Are We Too Financially Unstable to Get Married?
00:00:00.000 | Ryan writes in to ask this, "Pastor John, is a tight budget a sufficient reason in and
00:00:10.200 | of itself to delay a young dating couple from getting married and prolonging their engagement
00:00:15.160 | for a significant amount of time?
00:00:17.340 | This question assumes all of the factors are a go.
00:00:20.120 | Both love Christ, the local church approves of the match, parents approve of the relationship,
00:00:24.640 | and emotional and sexual purity has been honored."
00:00:28.360 | Pastor John, what would you say to this couple?
00:00:30.760 | Well, in general, I would say I'm in favor of trusting God for His willingness and ability
00:00:42.960 | to help a young couple make it in such circumstances.
00:00:46.640 | In other words, I'm probably going to lean toward, "Go ahead, take the risk, get married."
00:00:54.280 | But here's some questions I would ask.
00:00:57.360 | Does the guy have the ability to support himself and his wife?
00:01:03.280 | Now, I think he should want to do that, and he should try to do that.
00:01:09.320 | I think part is calling his head and provider and his male masculine role.
00:01:16.880 | But there may be good reasons why he can't.
00:01:20.800 | For example, there may be a disability.
00:01:22.900 | He might be a veteran, say, who was wounded, comes home, and the job he used to do, made
00:01:27.880 | a good living, can't do it anymore, and he's got to find another way.
00:01:32.960 | Now that may be temporary, and a young wife might step up and bring them through a season
00:01:38.760 | with her own employment, or it may be permanent.
00:01:43.920 | And she marries him knowing, for whatever reason, good reason, he will not be able to
00:01:50.360 | do all that he would love to do in supporting the family.
00:01:54.280 | And she will honor his manhood in other ways, and he will take his unique responsibility
00:02:00.160 | as head in other ways, and she will probably make more money than he does in that kind
00:02:06.960 | of situation, and they will partner to make this marriage work.
00:02:12.240 | And we should—it would be good to remind ourselves that in former centuries, especially
00:02:18.080 | in agrarian societies, most societies, it was built into the roles of marriage that
00:02:25.680 | it was a kind of shared, productive business partnership.
00:02:29.200 | The farm worked because he and she and the children and the hired hands did their chores.
00:02:37.220 | If anybody shirked, the business failed.
00:02:41.440 | Everybody worked.
00:02:42.440 | It wasn't like she was just watching soaps.
00:02:45.680 | I know that's anachronistic, but she was fully engaged in the domestic dimension of this
00:02:52.200 | business called the farm, and it was necessary that she be a part of that.
00:03:01.620 | The woman should ask, I think, the young woman in this scenario we're talking about, "Does
00:03:07.920 | my fiancé have character traits that are holding him back from finding the kind of
00:03:15.060 | employment that can support us?"
00:03:18.040 | Like is he lazy?
00:03:20.100 | Is he fearful?
00:03:21.960 | Is he distracted?
00:03:23.920 | Is he totally into sports and not yet grown up?
00:03:27.400 | Is he irresponsible with money?
00:03:29.540 | What is it that has us stuck at this place?
00:03:33.880 | And if she finds that this is in fact the reason they wouldn't be able to make it financially,
00:03:42.640 | then if I were her, I'd pull back from the relationship and let him know that she needs
00:03:50.140 | to see significant maturity before she could move forward with marriage.
00:03:56.120 | Now, see, that's a different kind of failure than a disability or some other reason that
00:04:02.220 | might be hindering it.
00:04:03.420 | She should be aware that there are often character traits that keep a man from stepping up and
00:04:08.480 | making a life for him and his wife.
00:04:12.240 | And the last thing I would say is where I started.
00:04:17.980 | If there is maturity, if there is deep love, if there is a community and family support,
00:04:25.500 | I'd probably say go for it.
00:04:28.500 | Two can live more cheaply together than apart, and marriage at its best is to help us through
00:04:34.580 | tough times, not just be rejected because there are tough times.
00:04:39.220 | And so, boy, I remember how it was with me and Noelle, and I was ready to marry far quicker
00:04:45.780 | than we did get married.
00:04:47.620 | And if I had to do over except for Noelle's dad, who wanted her to finish college before
00:04:54.060 | we married, I would have married her a year earlier, and we would have made it.
00:04:58.260 | We were both in college, but we would have figured it out.
00:05:00.680 | So I'm inclined to say there are downsides to being deeply in love, being ready to marry
00:05:07.500 | in every way but that financial one.
00:05:09.460 | There are downsides not to moving forward.
00:05:12.780 | And a huge sexual temptation is one of them, as well as living a life of great frustration.
00:05:19.260 | I think God calls couples to really enjoy fighting this fight together if they're mature.
00:05:25.260 | Thank you, Pastor John.
00:05:27.380 | And for couples considering marriage, we have a free e-book we developed specifically for
00:05:30.620 | you, and it includes one of the most popular resources we have online by Pastor John, simply
00:05:35.460 | titled, "Questions to Ask When Preparing for Marriage."
00:05:38.980 | That list of questions has been packaged together with other helpful related resources from
00:05:43.060 | John Piper and published as the e-book we've titled, "Preparing for Marriage, Help for
00:05:48.020 | Christian Couples."
00:05:49.420 | And you can download the e-book free of charge right now on a variety of formats by going
00:05:53.860 | to our website, DesiringGod.org.
00:05:56.220 | Click on the tab that says "Books" and then scan for the title, "Preparing for Marriage,
00:06:00.340 | Help for Christian Couples."
00:06:01.980 | I'm your host, Tony Ranke.
00:06:02.980 | We'll see you tomorrow.
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