Our Wedding Date Is Set — Why Not Have Sex Now?
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | - Welcome back to the Ask Pastor John podcast
00:00:06.480 | with longtime author and pastor John Piper.
00:00:09.640 | Thank you to everyone who sends in questions.
00:00:13.000 | We appreciate those emails.
00:00:14.320 | So we get to three of them a week,
00:00:16.220 | so we can't get to all of them.
00:00:17.880 | I wish we could.
00:00:19.440 | But the next email that we are able to address
00:00:21.960 | comes to us from a listener named Mary.
00:00:24.880 | Hello, Pastor John.
00:00:25.800 | This question is a follow-up to episode number 365.
00:00:29.600 | Will you marry a couple already living together?
00:00:33.520 | How would you respond to a group
00:00:34.800 | of professing Christian leaders who teach or who imply
00:00:38.600 | that it's okay for couples to move in together
00:00:40.840 | and to engage in sex
00:00:42.920 | as long as the wedding date is set in stone?
00:00:46.200 | - I would respond by recording an Ask Pastor John podcast
00:00:50.400 | to say how tragically wrong they are.
00:00:53.300 | That's how I would respond.
00:00:55.120 | It's not okay for couples to have sex
00:00:59.520 | outside the marriage covenant, engaged or not engaged,
00:01:02.960 | marriage date set or not.
00:01:04.780 | It's not okay to pretend that setting a marriage date
00:01:09.780 | is the same in God's eyes as making the marriage vows
00:01:15.280 | in the presence of God's people
00:01:17.920 | with the symbolic cultural sanctions of rings and vows
00:01:21.220 | and pronouncements and licenses.
00:01:24.960 | It's mere fleshly pragmatism
00:01:28.960 | to treat an intention to get married
00:01:32.640 | as the same as being married.
00:01:35.840 | Let me say that again.
00:01:36.960 | It is mere fleshly worldly pragmatism
00:01:42.960 | to treat an intention to get married
00:01:47.420 | the same as being married.
00:01:49.560 | They're not the same.
00:01:52.380 | Sexual relations are a sacred,
00:01:56.660 | physical, mental, spiritual consummation
00:02:01.660 | of awesomely sacred vows made before God
00:02:07.500 | in a moment when God himself really does join
00:02:12.700 | two people together in a one flesh union
00:02:18.260 | that he does not perform at random moments
00:02:21.980 | during engagement.
00:02:23.260 | I mean, people need to come to terms
00:02:25.700 | with what God has joined together.
00:02:28.940 | When does that happen?
00:02:30.200 | What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
00:02:35.260 | It happens in the formation of a decisive covenant vow
00:02:41.660 | which is permanent for better or for worse
00:02:47.900 | till death do us part.
00:02:50.300 | Those are not empty, meaningless words
00:02:53.220 | tacked on to sleeping together for six months.
00:02:56.160 | Let me give some biblical reasons for saying this.
00:02:59.940 | In Matthew 1, Mary and Joseph are betrothed.
00:03:04.380 | When Mary is found to be with child,
00:03:07.140 | Joseph has no doubt about what has happened.
00:03:10.500 | She's been with another man
00:03:12.740 | and he's gonna break off with her.
00:03:15.100 | And you see what it implies.
00:03:16.860 | It never entered his mind that the child might be his.
00:03:20.740 | They weren't sleeping together.
00:03:22.520 | You don't sleep together when you're betrothed
00:03:26.020 | and you're living in God's way
00:03:28.060 | from the Old Testament and the New.
00:03:30.300 | They were chased.
00:03:31.460 | They were not having sex.
00:03:33.600 | This was part of what it meant that Joseph was a just man.
00:03:37.980 | You're not a just man, young man.
00:03:39.980 | You're not a just man.
00:03:41.860 | If you cave into the worldly pragmatism
00:03:45.020 | of just saving money on rent and jumping in bed together,
00:03:50.020 | that's not a just man.
00:03:51.980 | That's a weak man with little biblical principle.
00:03:55.940 | This was the expectation of the Jewish community
00:03:58.860 | rooted in God's Word in the Old Testament
00:04:01.460 | where sexual relations was bound to marriage
00:04:05.500 | as the seventh commandment makes clear.
00:04:07.900 | So that's the first thing is Joseph and Mary's example.
00:04:11.020 | Here's the second observation.
00:04:12.700 | 1 Corinthians 7 is crucial.
00:04:15.740 | In verse 2 is pivotal along with verse 36.
00:04:19.980 | Paul said, "Because of the temptation to sexual immorality,"
00:04:24.980 | or you could translate it fornication,
00:04:27.420 | "each man should have his own wife,"
00:04:31.840 | not betrothed partner,
00:04:33.640 | "and each woman her own husband."
00:04:36.700 | In other words, Paul's remedy for sexual desire
00:04:41.300 | of a couple is not betrothal,
00:04:44.780 | sleeping together for months before marriage.
00:04:46.960 | His remedy is marriage.
00:04:49.900 | It's even clearer in verse 36.
00:04:52.300 | "If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly
00:04:57.300 | toward his betrothed," literally his virgin,
00:05:01.660 | "if his passions are strong and it has to be,
00:05:05.840 | let him do as he wishes, let them marry.
00:05:10.460 | It is no sin."
00:05:12.820 | Now, this is remarkably relevant to our day.
00:05:16.780 | Paul is dealing here with couples
00:05:19.620 | who are trying to be sexually proper
00:05:22.740 | and chaste without marriage.
00:05:25.620 | And then he recognizes that in some cases,
00:05:28.160 | this sexual desire makes that highly unlikely.
00:05:32.700 | And he concedes and says, "Go ahead, marry.
00:05:37.080 | Don't compromise this.
00:05:38.700 | Don't sleep together.
00:05:40.220 | Marry."
00:05:41.460 | It is not sin to marry.
00:05:44.740 | The assumption behind the whole chapter
00:05:47.460 | is that sexual relations during betrothal is sin.
00:05:51.380 | That's the assumption of the chapter.
00:05:54.020 | Marriage is not engagement.
00:05:57.100 | The sacred entrance into the one flesh union
00:06:00.920 | that God has established is marriage.
00:06:04.180 | Sexual relations is the consummation
00:06:07.100 | of that marriage commitment.
00:06:10.020 | That's what God designed it to be.
00:06:13.220 | Sex is not a relief valve for desire
00:06:18.220 | or a mere pleasure with a devoted lover.
00:06:22.140 | Sex is, and I'm gonna say this as strongly as I know how,
00:06:25.660 | sex is, this is the meaning, this is the definition,
00:06:28.920 | this is the reality of human sexual relations.
00:06:33.240 | Sex is, by God's design,
00:06:36.400 | sex is the consummation of the sacred covenant
00:06:41.400 | of God in marriage.
00:06:45.640 | All other sex is a prostitution of God's creation.
00:06:50.640 | God joins a couple and he joins them in marriage.
00:06:57.680 | Part of that joining is the sacred vow
00:07:02.040 | of establishing the covenant relationship,
00:07:04.680 | and part of it is the subsequent consummation
00:07:07.560 | in sexual union.
00:07:10.000 | The Bible does not recognize a legitimate use
00:07:13.480 | of sexual relations except as an expression
00:07:17.760 | of the covenant of marriage,
00:07:19.640 | no matter how crazy our modern world has become,
00:07:24.160 | and almost all media and entertainment have shown.
00:07:29.160 | And I would just add very briefly
00:07:31.600 | that marriage is a public reality.
00:07:35.040 | That is, a married man is to be known as a married man
00:07:40.040 | and a married woman is to be known as a married woman.
00:07:44.240 | This is true because marriage changes forever
00:07:49.120 | how the man relates to other women
00:07:51.760 | and how the woman relates to other men,
00:07:53.840 | and therefore it needs to be known.
00:07:55.600 | And it's true because in every culture
00:07:59.360 | there are unavoidable legal implications of marriage.
00:08:03.680 | For example, parental rights, property rights,
00:08:08.240 | inheritances, and therefore the act
00:08:11.320 | of entering a marital state is a public act.
00:08:15.880 | That is, it needs legal and public recognition.
00:08:20.240 | Different cultures handle it in different ways.
00:08:22.520 | I'm not quibbling about how different cultures do it.
00:08:26.720 | And a humble Christian couple,
00:08:28.560 | this is relevant for our culture,
00:08:30.400 | a humble Christian couple who wants to be biblical
00:08:35.400 | should be eager to use the cultural
00:08:39.520 | and legally appointed ways of solemnizing
00:08:44.360 | and legalizing their covenant union.
00:08:48.640 | The essence of this event is the promise,
00:08:51.960 | the vows before God to be a faithful wife
00:08:55.920 | and a faithful husband till death do us part.
00:09:00.120 | And in view of all of this,
00:09:02.040 | the last thing a Christian couple will want to do
00:09:06.040 | is isolate sex from its beautiful covenant place
00:09:11.040 | and meaning at the heart of the marriage covenant.
00:09:17.720 | They won't want to do it.
00:09:20.040 | They won't want to strip it out and isolate it.
00:09:23.520 | They will treat every act of sexual self-control
00:09:28.520 | before marriage,
00:09:30.160 | every act of sexual self-control during their engagement
00:09:34.440 | as an exaltation of the preciousness and the beauty
00:09:39.440 | and the meaning of this act
00:09:42.320 | as the consummation of covenant commitment in marriage.
00:09:47.080 | They will be jealous to set a beautiful example
00:09:51.040 | to their peers and to the children
00:09:53.280 | that are watching and the teenagers around them
00:09:56.560 | that are all watching them,
00:09:57.800 | knowing what they do,
00:09:59.520 | that sexual relations belongs in marriage.
00:10:04.040 | They will want to witness with their lives
00:10:08.480 | that God created this beautiful gift
00:10:12.400 | and placed it precisely where he knew it should be,
00:10:16.320 | the most satisfying, most fruitful, most beautiful,
00:10:19.120 | most God-honoring place in marriage.
00:10:22.440 | Therefore, Christians do not sleep together
00:10:26.160 | before their wedding night.
00:10:28.400 | - Amen, thank you for this call for discretion, Pastor John,
00:10:33.640 | and thanks for listening to this podcast.
00:10:36.520 | We publish three times a week
00:10:38.160 | and you can subscribe to our audio feeds to keep up
00:10:41.360 | and you can search our episode archive to look back
00:10:44.280 | and you can even reach us by email.
00:10:45.840 | With a follow-up question that a previous episode
00:10:48.100 | may have raised in your own mind,
00:10:49.720 | like this question today from Mary,
00:10:51.800 | you can do all of that through our online home
00:10:53.840 | at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.
00:10:58.360 | Well, I'm not sure what's on the docket for Wednesday,
00:11:00.760 | but Lord willing, we will be back.
00:11:02.720 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke, and we will see you then.
00:11:05.880 | (upbeat music)
00:11:08.460 | (upbeat music)
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