Lecture 10: Marriage and Family Counseling

00:00:00.000 | All right, up to this particular point, we have been talking about more recently the

00:00:10.840 | process dynamics of marriage and the family counseling.

00:00:14.440 | We don't have that much further to go on this, but this is such an important section because

00:00:19.340 | it really breaks down the details on how to work with marriage and the family counseling

00:00:27.120 | issues in an organized way, in a thoughtful way, in a way that's going to draw out, as

00:00:33.040 | Proverbs chapter 20 and verse 5 says, the issues of a person's heart, as those issues

00:00:38.680 | or those plans or purposes that are part of the heart are like deep water, but a man of

00:00:42.160 | understanding is able to draw them out.

00:00:44.300 | So hopefully we're developing understanding through this process.

00:00:48.840 | So we're actually, in your notes there, we're on number nine.

00:00:52.440 | Number nine says, "As you seek to accurately analyze and assess, you will also want to

00:00:58.700 | identify why the family problems have developed and continued as they are."

00:01:04.640 | And we want to break down the answer to this four different ways or four different reasons.

00:01:10.120 | Why have these marriage and family problems occurred?

00:01:15.960 | Let's answer it from one perspective, first of all, and that is a lack of inspiration,

00:01:21.480 | we're going to say.

00:01:23.280 | What do we mean by that?

00:01:24.280 | And we mean by that, they really have no hope.

00:01:28.780 | Maybe they've read some books on marriage and the family.

00:01:31.600 | Maybe these books have been written by well-intentioned Christians.

00:01:35.840 | Maybe those books have actually been written by Christians who call themselves counselors

00:01:41.140 | or psychotherapists or psychologists, and they've tried to implement some of those things

00:01:46.120 | that are a part of those books and things have just gone from bad to worse.

00:01:51.000 | Or maybe they've heard seminars, or they've gone to marriage retreat weekends, and they've

00:01:55.260 | heard speakers speak on marriage and family issues, and it still hasn't helped them a

00:02:01.560 | whole lot.

00:02:02.560 | In fact, they've tried to go back and implement those things into their marriage, and for

00:02:06.800 | a while things got better, but then they find themselves right back in the same problems

00:02:10.760 | that they had before.

00:02:13.400 | The reason is maybe they've tried and failed, or they've not tried it God's way, or this

00:02:19.840 | particular problem really has basically gone on too long.

00:02:24.800 | And so that's the reason why they lack inspiration, they lack hope.

00:02:29.880 | They may actually come to you as a pastoral counselor, as a last resort.

00:02:36.960 | You hate it when that happens, I always do, when they come as a last resort, you would

00:02:42.760 | hope that they would come to you as a first resort, not as a last resort.

00:02:47.520 | But by this time the problems are so embedded, so deep, there's so much hopelessness that's

00:02:53.440 | going on.

00:02:55.480 | You look at it and you say, "Well, I know God is mighty and powerful, but this is going

00:02:59.040 | to be, it's going to take a while to dig out of this one."

00:03:06.400 | So what do we need to emphasize when something like this has occurred?

00:03:10.960 | Well, you have to, when there is a lack of hope.

00:03:17.120 | You have to minister hope.

00:03:20.640 | And I want to take you over to a few of these passages real quickly.

00:03:23.560 | Of course, the real common one there is 1 Corinthians 10 and verse 13.

00:03:28.840 | This is always a wonderful, wonderful passage of hope.

00:03:32.920 | And I want to give you an example of how this could be used.

00:03:36.080 | 1 Corinthians 10, 13, "No temptation has overtaken you, but such as is common to man, and God

00:03:45.760 | is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with

00:03:50.720 | the temptation, he will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure

00:03:56.840 | it."

00:03:59.720 | Now that says to me, often I will say to the counselees, that says to me that you're not

00:04:04.880 | the only person to have ever faced these problems.

00:04:08.480 | There have been other people down through history, other husbands, other wives, other

00:04:15.520 | parents who have faced these problems before, and they've been able to face them successfully.

00:04:24.160 | There's nothing that you're facing in your marriage or in your parenting that's unique

00:04:32.720 | here.

00:04:33.860 | You may think you're unique.

00:04:35.280 | You may think you're the only one to face this particular problem.

00:04:40.640 | Sometimes I call that the Elijah syndrome.

00:04:43.240 | That's what he thought.

00:04:44.240 | He thought he was the only one.

00:04:46.480 | He was the only one that was left.

00:04:48.000 | You may think you're the only one, but that's not true.

00:04:50.580 | There have been other people who have faced this particular problem, and they've been

00:04:54.220 | able to face it successfully.

00:04:56.480 | And we're also told here that God is faithful.

00:05:00.720 | He's not going to allow you to be tempted or tested here beyond what you're able to

00:05:10.280 | handle.

00:05:11.660 | That's part of the faithfulness of God.

00:05:13.880 | He knows your limits.

00:05:15.280 | Now you may have an idea about what your limits are, and God has a different idea about what

00:05:18.680 | your limits are.

00:05:19.800 | He may take you beyond what you think your limits are, but he's not going to take you

00:05:24.560 | beyond what the real limits are, and that's what he says your limits are.

00:05:30.400 | God will not take you beyond what you're able to handle.

00:05:35.400 | But with that temptation, he will also provide a way of escape.

00:05:40.120 | That doesn't mean, some counselees want to interpret that as escaping from my problems.

00:05:47.240 | That doesn't mean escaping from the problems, and in fact, that particular word escape is

00:05:53.800 | qualified by the next phrase so that you will be able to endure it.

00:05:58.080 | That escape means he gives you a method to deal with your problems.

00:06:03.640 | He doesn't necessarily get you out of the problem.

00:06:09.520 | You escape your hopelessness is the idea.

00:06:12.600 | You don't escape the problem.

00:06:15.800 | You now have something specific to be able to do about your problem, and he gives you

00:06:22.160 | the ability to be able to endure it.

00:06:25.760 | That's great.

00:06:28.120 | That begins to minister hope.

00:06:33.280 | The other passage that's there is Hebrews chapter 12 and verse 7.

00:06:39.200 | Hebrews chapter 12 verse 7.

00:06:41.400 | In fact, my son and I were just talking about this passage today because he's leading a

00:06:46.920 | high school Bible study here at Grace tonight, and this is what he's talking about.

00:06:52.120 | He's talking at the end of Hebrews 11 and then into Hebrews chapter 12, and verse 7

00:06:59.080 | says, "It is for discipline that you endure."

00:07:01.440 | Actually, one translation of this is really good.

00:07:06.440 | It talks about we are to endure hardship as discipline.

00:07:13.440 | That's really what this is saying.

00:07:15.520 | All hardship that we encounter in life, all difficulty that we encounter in life is to

00:07:20.040 | be endured as discipline.

00:07:22.920 | He's not using discipline in the sense here of punitive discipline.

00:07:27.080 | It's not the idea.

00:07:28.460 | It's not punitive discipline.

00:07:30.240 | It's discipline the way in which a coach would discipline a team, like a basketball coach

00:07:35.640 | would discipline a basketball team, or a football coach would discipline a football team, or

00:07:40.120 | a soccer coach would discipline a soccer team.

00:07:43.560 | In a similar way, God uses hardship to discipline us, and he says in verse 8, "But if you are

00:07:50.560 | without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children

00:07:54.040 | and not sons."

00:07:55.040 | Of course, he's writing to a group of Jewish Christians who are undergoing severe persecution

00:08:00.480 | for their faith, and some of them that were part of this assembly were thinking about

00:08:07.600 | renouncing Christ and returning to their Judaistic worship, and that would let up all the pressure.

00:08:13.280 | Verse 9, "Furthermore, we had earthly fathers who disciplined us, and we respected them.

00:08:23.200 | Shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of our spirits, and live?

00:08:29.080 | For they," speaking of our earthly fathers, "disciplined us for a short time as seemed

00:08:33.120 | best to them."

00:08:34.120 | It wasn't always best, but it seemed best to them.

00:08:37.920 | But he always disciplines us for our good that we may share in his holiness.

00:08:42.920 | In other words, all hardship that we encounter is always for our good.

00:08:47.560 | Wow, how about that?

00:08:50.280 | Everything we encounter in terms of hardship is for our good, that's right.

00:08:56.340 | Even when my husband or my wife is disagreeable, that's for my good, yes.

00:09:02.440 | Even when my kids are misbehaving and they're a handful, absolutely.

00:09:11.320 | Verse 11, "All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful," wow, all

00:09:17.280 | God's people can say a hearty amen to that, "yet to those who have been trained by it,"

00:09:23.960 | not punished for it, this is not punitive discipline, "they're trained by it, afterwards

00:09:29.600 | it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

00:09:33.000 | So the whole purpose is to develop holiness in our lives.

00:09:36.760 | Why am I going through these marital problems?

00:09:39.520 | Why am I going through these problems with my children?

00:09:45.200 | One of the big problems with that question is we assume that we don't deserve to go through

00:09:49.980 | problems.

00:09:50.980 | That's a big assumption and it's an erroneous assumption.

00:09:56.240 | But all right, if God is in sovereign control of all things that occur, including the fine

00:10:02.840 | details of my life and my marriage, then I must be going through these hardships as Hebrews

00:10:08.320 | 12 says, in order to produce greater holiness in my life, to train me in righteousness.

00:10:18.000 | Let me take you to one other passage that's a good hope passage.

00:10:25.480 | Let's go over to Romans.

00:10:30.520 | I want to go to Romans chapter 15 and verse 4, "As you get your counselees into the Scriptures,

00:10:41.280 | let the Scriptures give them hope as well, for whatever is written in earlier times was

00:10:46.120 | written for our instruction, so that through perseverance," that is a faithful, loyal obedience

00:10:56.380 | of the Word, "and the encouragement of Scriptures," sometimes the Word is there like the people

00:11:04.040 | in Hebrews chapter 11 who faced all kinds of obstacles by faith, "through the encouragement

00:11:10.280 | of Scriptures, we might have," what?

00:11:14.320 | We might have hope, right?

00:11:18.560 | That's right.

00:11:19.560 | We face the encouragement that we might have hope.

00:11:25.880 | And then skip down to verse 13.

00:11:33.280 | It says, "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that

00:11:43.640 | you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

00:11:48.840 | So notice how God is described here in verse 13.

00:11:51.240 | He's described as the God of hope, and He's the one who fills you with all joy and peace.

00:11:57.580 | That doesn't mean your circumstances change immediately.

00:11:59.960 | In other words, some husbands and wives want to be able to say to you in counseling, "Well,

00:12:05.040 | you give me a different circumstance in my marriage, Lord, and I'll be happy."

00:12:11.160 | No, no, no, that's not the way it happens.

00:12:19.520 | Different circumstances are not going to make you happy if your heart's not happy, if your

00:12:23.840 | heart's not full of joy.

00:12:27.120 | The joy comes on the inside.

00:12:31.180 | Just yesterday, I was working with a woman in Texas who's getting her certification for

00:12:38.480 | counseling, and she's working with a woman in her church that is really unhappy in her

00:12:45.440 | marriage.

00:12:46.440 | She's unhappy, she's extremely dissatisfied with what's happening, and certainly her husband

00:12:51.320 | is no saint, there's no doubt about that.

00:12:56.340 | He's got his own problems.

00:13:00.000 | But her unhappiness in marriage goes way back.

00:13:06.000 | In fact, five years prior to this, the same woman had had an affair with the pastor of

00:13:13.040 | the church there, and of course, the pastor was removed from ministry, he's no longer

00:13:18.880 | in the ministry any longer.

00:13:20.680 | He was reconciled to his wife, and this woman was reconciled to her husband, but five years

00:13:25.680 | down the line, one of the interesting things about this is the very heart motivation that

00:13:31.600 | fueled her adultery in the past was still present.

00:13:37.220 | She stopped the external behavior of adultery, but the unhappiness and dissatisfaction in

00:13:41.840 | her marriage was still there because she defined her unhappiness as primarily being her husband.

00:13:50.400 | This is the reason why I'm unhappy.

00:13:52.200 | You change my husband, I have a better husband, I'll be a happy person.

00:13:57.960 | The Apostle Paul says, "Happiness does not come in a change of circumstances.

00:14:01.920 | Happiness comes as a result of the Holy Spirit bringing peace and joy to the heart."

00:14:09.780 | Same thing's true here.

00:14:11.380 | Verse 13 of Romans 15, "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy in believing."

00:14:19.320 | You see, we've got to believe the truth so that you will abound in hope by power of the

00:14:23.720 | Holy Spirit.

00:14:27.660 | This was the problem with the children of Israel.

00:14:29.160 | The children of Israel, wandering through the wilderness thought, "You change our circumstances,

00:14:33.040 | you change our surroundings, and we'll be happy.

00:14:35.240 | Put us in the promise land," and God says, "No, no, that's not it at all.

00:14:39.740 | Happiness begins in the heart.

00:14:40.960 | That's where it begins.

00:14:41.960 | I can still put you in the promise land, the land of milk and honey, and you could still

00:14:46.620 | be unhappy."

00:14:51.960 | So you're not going to go there.

00:14:53.560 | So they all died in the wilderness.

00:14:57.240 | They said, "Change our circumstances," or, "Change my wife," or, "Change my husband,

00:15:04.400 | and I'll be happy.

00:15:05.400 | I'll be a happy person."

00:15:08.520 | And God says, "No, you change your heart."

00:15:13.400 | That's what makes you a happy person, a joyful person, a person who's at peace.

00:15:18.200 | "Now, may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that you will

00:15:23.040 | abound in hope."

00:15:24.960 | How?

00:15:25.960 | "By the change of circumstances," He said.

00:15:27.960 | "No, no, no, no.

00:15:28.960 | By the power of the Holy Spirit."

00:15:32.440 | It's the Spirit of God who brings that in the inner man.

00:15:36.460 | You've got to be at peace with what God is doing in your life and not believe somehow

00:15:41.520 | you're living, in your marriage, God's second best for your life.

00:15:46.600 | You are not living God's second best.

00:15:52.640 | The only time you live God's second best is when you're not obeying Him.

00:15:55.840 | It's the only time you are.

00:15:58.840 | In fact, you're not even...that's not even God's second best.

00:16:04.240 | That's probably...when you're not obeying Him, you're living Satan's first best.

00:16:11.240 | So there's a lack of hope, and there are a lot of marriages that have a lack of hope.

00:16:16.200 | Secondly, second thing, there's also a lack of inclination.

00:16:20.040 | What do I mean by that?

00:16:21.560 | That is, there is an unwillingness to change.

00:16:24.760 | Why has there been no change?

00:16:28.000 | Some of that comes from the fact that there is no hope.

00:16:30.460 | Some of it comes from the fact that there is no willingness to change in their heart.

00:16:37.120 | Now why does that happen?

00:16:38.840 | Because they believe that the change is too costly.

00:16:43.360 | They have to give up something.

00:16:44.720 | Maybe it's freedom, or it's money, or it's their dreams.

00:16:49.000 | They have to give up something in order for this change to occur, and they think in the

00:16:54.640 | depths of their heart that that is far too costly for me.

00:16:58.360 | I can't do that.

00:17:08.600 | For example, do you know that some people become incredibly comfortable in their self-pity?

00:17:15.000 | It becomes their lifestyle.

00:17:16.520 | They live in self-pity, and they're very comfortable in living self-pity.

00:17:20.440 | And to give that self-pity up, it's not worth it for them.

00:17:27.520 | They would have to radically change to give that self-pity up.

00:17:35.080 | And they don't want to give that up.

00:17:37.540 | They want to feel sorry for themselves, and they want other people to feel sorry for them.

00:17:42.680 | They don't want to give it up.

00:17:46.720 | They wallow in their self-pity, and they go from person to person talking about all their

00:17:51.040 | problems and how difficult it is to live with so-and-so, with their particular spouse.

00:17:57.160 | You know how hard it is, and people say, "Oh, I feel so sorry for you."

00:18:01.360 | They're not helping them.

00:18:02.360 | They're encouraging them in their sinfulness by doing that.

00:18:07.940 | It's too costly.

00:18:11.380 | Grab your Bible just for a moment.

00:18:12.380 | Let's go over to Matthew chapter 19, and we're interested in verse 16.

00:18:19.420 | It's a great passage.

00:18:26.060 | This is the problem here with the rich young ruler.

00:18:30.380 | "And someone came to him and said, 'Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may inherit

00:18:37.280 | eternal life?'"

00:18:40.740 | Wow.

00:18:42.560 | Most people would have thought today, your average evangelical would say, "I can't believe

00:18:47.380 | somebody's coming and asking me how to be a Christian.

00:18:50.720 | That's wonderful.

00:18:51.720 | Let me give them the four spiritual laws and pronounce a benediction over them and lead

00:18:55.340 | them to Christ, and everything's going to be happy."

00:18:58.460 | Jesus saw through this.

00:19:00.100 | "And he said to them, 'Why are you asking me about what is good?

00:19:03.840 | There's only one who is good, but if you wish to enter life, keep the commandments.'

00:19:08.200 | And then he said to them, 'Which ones?'

00:19:09.520 | And Jesus said, 'You shall not commit murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not

00:19:12.800 | steal, you shall not bear false witness, honor your father and mother, and you shall love

00:19:17.040 | your neighbor as yourself.'"

00:19:20.720 | Love your neighbor as yourself.

00:19:22.140 | In other words, you're to love others as passionately as you already love yourself is the idea.

00:19:27.280 | "And the young man said to him, 'All these things I have kept, and I am still lacking.'"

00:19:32.080 | Well, number one, that's a lie.

00:19:34.480 | If he was really truly honest, he hasn't kept these things.

00:19:39.520 | But Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions, give

00:19:43.280 | it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.

00:19:45.680 | Come and follow me."

00:19:46.680 | Well, you know, that was pretty good because he opened up that last command, "If you love

00:19:50.680 | your neighbor as yourself," he said, "Well, you know what?

00:19:57.160 | I love my neighbor just as passionately as I love myself, so it's going to be very easy

00:20:01.040 | to give my money away and give it to the poor.

00:20:02.800 | It shouldn't be any problem."

00:20:03.800 | "When the young man heard the statement, he went away grieving, for he was one who owned

00:20:13.240 | much property."

00:20:18.800 | This guy loved himself way more than he loved his neighbor.

00:20:28.420 | No problem with his self-esteem, or as my kids used to say when they were little, "Selfish

00:20:34.240 | steam."

00:20:35.240 | There's no problem there.

00:20:41.600 | So what do you need to do here?

00:20:43.440 | The counseling emphasis here, you need to show them what is motivating their heart that

00:20:52.200 | is not of God.

00:20:55.360 | That's what Jesus does here in Matthew 19.

00:20:59.240 | What is motivating their heart that's not of God?

00:21:05.880 | Mark 14 and verse 25 says, "Now large crowds were going along with him," speaking of Jesus,

00:21:17.080 | "and he turned and said to them, 'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father

00:21:21.320 | and mother, wife, and children, and brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life, he cannot

00:21:27.560 | be my disciple.

00:21:29.360 | Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.'"

00:21:33.760 | Wow.

00:21:40.960 | Now Jesus was not saying that we need to go around literally hating, but our love for

00:21:47.040 | God should be so great that our love for everyone else should almost look like hate by comparison.

00:21:55.040 | Our love for God trumps, our love for our Lord trumps every other human relationship,

00:22:04.120 | everything else.

00:22:09.640 | It's a much higher priority, and in fact, it's actually our love for God that helps

00:22:14.520 | us to understand how we should love our husbands and our wives and our children and our friends

00:22:20.240 | and our neighbors properly, and loving ourselves less, not more, less.

00:22:30.080 | So we've got to speak to heart issues, show them the idols of their heart.

00:22:39.880 | So there could be a lack of hope.

00:22:43.080 | There could be a lack of willingness to change.

00:22:49.160 | And then thirdly, there could also be, why are they not changing when it comes to counseling?

00:22:54.920 | A lack of information, meaning they think it's unnecessary to change because they don't

00:23:02.320 | see the problem.

00:23:04.560 | They can be blind to the hurts and the needs of their husband or wife, or they do not see

00:23:09.440 | the harmful consequences of refusing to change, somehow they don't see it.

00:23:16.760 | They don't have the proper information to see it.

00:23:23.480 | They refuse to change the status quo.

00:23:29.880 | What's the reason behind that?

00:23:31.920 | Well, this has to do with willful or passive ignorance.

00:23:39.080 | They do not see the need to work on their marriage because of this ignorance.

00:23:48.000 | Willful ignorance is they have the opportunity to learn and study the Word of God and sit

00:23:53.440 | under good teaching and preaching, and they refuse to do it.

00:23:59.680 | Passive ignorance is maybe they are in a church that they're not taught well, and because

00:24:05.640 | they're not taught well, they just don't know.

00:24:10.920 | They think they know, but they don't.

00:24:14.880 | Passive ignorance.

00:24:17.760 | And so, they don't see the real need to work on their marriage.

00:24:20.520 | There's something else that's more important in their life than that.

00:24:25.920 | What's the counseling emphasis then?

00:24:27.760 | Then you need to help them see their problems from a biblical perspective, challenge their

00:24:33.800 | pride, encourage the need for a teachable spirit.

00:24:40.120 | They may think they know, and they really don't.

00:24:49.360 | Hebrews chapter 5 and verse 11, here the writer of Hebrews says, "Concerning him we have much

00:24:59.060 | to say that is of Christ, and it's hard to explain since you have become dull of hearing,

00:25:04.020 | for though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need again for someone to teach you the

00:25:08.220 | elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid

00:25:13.140 | food for everyone who partakes only of milk, is not accustomed to the word of righteousness,

00:25:20.260 | for he is an infant, but solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their

00:25:25.880 | senses trained to discern good and evil."

00:25:32.320 | Now the idea here is that if this is a willful ignorance, then like the early Hebrew Christians

00:25:47.160 | who have become dull of hearing, they need to be challenged to turn around and to seek

00:25:54.040 | solid food, more in depth teaching from the word of God about their marriage and how to

00:26:00.320 | deal with their problems.

00:26:03.920 | Or we could also go over to James chapter 4 and verse 6, "But he gives a greater grace,

00:26:17.160 | therefore it says God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble, submit therefore

00:26:21.900 | to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you, draw near to God and he will draw

00:26:25.560 | near to you, cleanse your hands, you sinners," that's the outer man, "and purify your hearts,

00:26:31.360 | you double-minded," that's the inner man, "be miserable and mourn and weep, let your

00:26:35.600 | laughter be turned into mourning and joy to gloom, humble yourselves in the presence of

00:26:39.960 | the Lord and he will exalt you."

00:26:45.600 | So there has to be a certain amount of humility in order to be teachable, and that's what

00:26:52.100 | they need.

00:26:53.100 | They need to be humble, they need to be teachable, they need to change outwardly and inwardly.

00:27:03.020 | So there can be a lack of hope, there can be an unwillingness to change, there can be

00:27:08.240 | an issue of ignorance that goes on and that's the reason why they're not changing.

00:27:14.180 | Or fourth and last of all, there could also be a lack of skill, an awful lot of Christians

00:27:19.500 | are in this camp and they don't realize they're in this camp.

00:27:24.300 | What do I mean by that?

00:27:25.580 | They don't know how to communicate and solve problems, forgiveness, they don't know the

00:27:30.660 | forgiveness process for reconciliation.

00:27:33.660 | They don't even know how to, in a sense, exegete their own heart and what's going on in terms

00:27:39.480 | of bitterness and resentment and anger and all those sinful things that tend to swirl

00:27:49.180 | in the cauldron of the heart.

00:27:54.740 | So they don't know how to do that, and you may have to spend time in counseling showing

00:27:59.820 | them how to do that.

00:28:00.820 | We'll talk about that a little bit later on in this class.

00:28:05.900 | The reason, there's poor biblical training usually, preaching that's unrelated to life

00:28:16.220 | or they're in a good church but they've refused to apply the truth.

00:28:24.140 | That's the whole point behind the little parable that Jesus uses at the end of the Sermon on

00:28:28.460 | the Mount there in Matthew chapter 7 when he talks about

00:28:39.860 | the parable of the man who builds his house upon the rock and the man who builds his house

00:28:44.300 | upon the sand.

00:28:48.980 | He says, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and acts upon them may be compared

00:28:54.180 | to a wise man that built his house upon a rock, who hears it and acts upon it.

00:29:00.180 | And the rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and slammed against the house

00:29:04.660 | yet it did not fall for it had been founded upon a rock.

00:29:08.660 | Everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act upon them will be like a foolish

00:29:12.720 | man who built his house upon the sand.

00:29:14.820 | The rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and slammed against the house and

00:29:19.860 | it fell and it great was its fall."

00:29:24.140 | Sometimes I'll do it like this, I have a whiteboard when I'm counseling and up on that whiteboard

00:29:30.300 | I'll just draw a little illustration of this.

00:29:41.380 | That's a house, okay?

00:29:51.700 | And that's a house.

00:29:54.700 | We're going to call this house number 1 and we're going to call this house number 2.

00:30:03.060 | And I'll put up here your life.

00:30:08.340 | Which one is your life?

00:30:10.820 | Now on the surface what is the difference between these two houses?

00:30:14.620 | Nothing, there's no difference.

00:30:18.500 | There are a lot of people who come to church that are like that.

00:30:21.540 | You can't tell the difference between a person who is really being faithful to the Lord and

00:30:27.060 | one who is not being faithful to the Lord because they both look the same on the surface.

00:30:33.340 | Well how do we know the difference between the two of them?

00:30:36.660 | Well the answer is it's what's below the surface that's going on here.

00:30:40.900 | Because they both have houses that seem to be solid and probably you've heard of that

00:30:53.700 | little children's song, "Oh the wise man build his house upon the rock, foolish man build

00:30:58.860 | his house upon the sand" and so on and so on.

00:31:00.620 | I'm not going to sing that for you.

00:31:03.780 | The problem with the song is it misses the whole key to the parable and we need to write

00:31:09.400 | a whole new verse to the song.

00:31:11.180 | It's a bad song because it misses the whole point.

00:31:13.780 | The whole key to the parable is not the house, it's not the whole key to it.

00:31:19.620 | The whole key to the parable actually is not the rock, that's not his point.

00:31:25.860 | By the way, what is the rock?

00:31:31.180 | Jesus Christ, be a little bit more precise.

00:31:34.160 | All right, the teaching of Christ within context is teaching, right?

00:31:42.620 | So that's the rock and the point is house number one has what?

00:31:59.060 | That anchors it to the rock.

00:32:01.180 | Yeah, absolutely, a foundation.

00:32:10.740 | House number two has no foundation whatsoever.

00:32:16.540 | Now the critical thing about the little parable is what is the foundation?

00:32:24.380 | What is it?

00:32:25.380 | Sand?

00:32:26.380 | Well, I mean, what is the foundation of house number one?

00:32:31.660 | Pardon me?

00:32:34.580 | No, the rock's not the foundation.

00:32:40.060 | What's the foundation of house number one?

00:32:49.340 | Yes, the hearing and acting.

00:32:55.340 | The practice of the truth.

00:33:04.500 | What's that?

00:33:08.700 | The practice of the truth.

00:33:10.740 | In other words, I hear the truth, this person hears the truth, but they don't put it into

00:33:16.980 | practice.

00:33:17.980 | This person puts it into practice.

00:33:19.060 | This person obeys it.

00:33:23.220 | Now how do we find out the difference between these two houses?

00:33:26.520 | The answer is when the difficulties and storms of life come in and start to beat upon the

00:33:33.300 | house.

00:33:36.620 | And what happens when the storms of life come?

00:33:42.420 | Actually, the Luke passage in Luke 6 is very specific about it.

00:33:49.900 | The moment, it says, the storm strikes the house, it falls and its destruction is complete.

00:33:59.940 | In other words, it is a mess.

00:34:03.860 | It falls apart like a house of cards.

00:34:08.140 | Why?

00:34:09.820 | Because they heard the word, but they did not put it into practice.

00:34:16.780 | And there are an awful lot of marriages that are like that.

00:34:18.960 | They hear the word of God and they may be, they sit under great teaching, great preaching,

00:34:25.660 | but they refuse to put it into practice.

00:34:28.620 | It doesn't change them as husbands, it doesn't change them as wives, doesn't change them

00:34:34.100 | as parents, doesn't change them as children, none of that is affected.

00:34:40.540 | And the question is here, for our counselee is, which is your life?

00:34:48.820 | Because right now, your life looks like this, they've come with all their marital problems

00:34:53.500 | and all their struggles and all the difficulties, that's the storm.

00:34:58.880 | And right now, everything is in a heap and rubble.

00:35:02.100 | Why?

00:35:03.100 | What's the difference?

00:35:05.280 | The difference is they have not obeyed the truth.

00:35:08.580 | They've heard the truth both here, they hear it, but this one puts it into practice.

00:35:16.080 | This one obeys it.

00:35:19.280 | There's the difference.

00:35:21.680 | When there's a lack of skill, they have to be challenged to obey the truth.

00:35:27.120 | So what do you want to emphasize in counseling?

00:35:29.060 | You want to emphasize good training, biblical communication, conflict resolution, roles,

00:35:34.840 | parenting skills.

00:35:36.040 | You want to help them understand this from Scripture, help them identify what is it in

00:35:42.320 | their heart that tends to rule and reign that's not of God.

00:35:49.720 | Those are heart idols, and we'll talk about those heart idols later.

00:35:57.760 | What's going on in those people's lives?

00:36:00.040 | So why are they not changing?

00:36:02.520 | Why are they not growing?

00:36:05.720 | Well, that's part of the reason, yes, Roger.

00:36:13.320 | >> In their life, it's not as if, well, I just haven't been taught, it's that they haven't

00:36:18.640 | acted on the teaching?

00:36:21.120 | >> Well, if they've had poor biblical training, they're still culpable because they can still

00:36:28.840 | study the Scriptures on their own and learn it.

00:36:32.520 | And for some reason, they haven't.

00:36:33.760 | So I believe that there's still culpability even though they may be in a very poor or

00:36:37.640 | weak church, and they've got to renounce that.

00:36:41.440 | And usually, you'll find even if they've been in a weak church, even what they have learned

00:36:47.400 | that is good hasn't been put into practice.

00:36:51.200 | So there's a certain element of culpability there as well.

00:36:54.200 | Yeah.

00:36:55.200 | >> If there's a point where you find out, "Hey, they're not receiving good teaching,"

00:37:05.280 | do you think it's, if you're counseling them either on behalf of another church or maybe

00:37:08.680 | through the Master's College, something like that, is there a point where you recommend

00:37:12.240 | them to a good church?

00:37:13.240 | And at what point does that principle come into play so it's not just sheep stealing

00:37:14.240 | and that sort of thing?

00:37:15.240 | But it's a legitimate benefit if you would do that.

00:37:16.240 | >> Yeah.

00:37:23.240 | John asked the question, "If you're counseling someone that's not of your church in a different

00:37:31.000 | kind of context, and you find out that they're going to a church that's really not teaching

00:37:34.280 | the Word of God well, what do you do?

00:37:35.800 | How do you handle that?"

00:37:38.880 | Well, first of all, I want to find out whether or not the church is willing to accept its

00:37:44.840 | responsibility to shepherd these people.

00:37:47.580 | If they are and they're teachable, then I'll invite them, even if I'm a, and I used to

00:37:52.040 | do this as a pastor in my own church, I would invite a leader or a pastor of that church

00:37:57.080 | to come and sit in on the counseling so that they could learn how to do this.

00:38:01.120 | And then eventually take our counseling class if necessary.

00:38:03.120 | And if they're willing to do that, that's great.

00:38:05.400 | But if they're not willing to do that and they're not willing to sit in, then it communicates

00:38:09.280 | to me that not only do they have poor teaching, but they're not even interested in changing

00:38:13.000 | and growing themselves as a church.

00:38:15.360 | So I'm going to say to them, "Listen, get out of that church and you find a church that's

00:38:18.840 | serious."

00:38:19.840 | On paper, on paper, their doctrinal statement may be really good, but they don't practice

00:38:25.760 | it and they don't live by it.

00:38:27.320 | So you get out of that church, you get to a church that practices their doctrinal statement.

00:38:33.200 | They do it.

00:38:34.360 | And I've asked, you know, I've suggested or counseled counselees that have gotten out

00:38:41.920 | of pretty decent evangelical churches because they're not interested in practicing the truth.

00:38:46.920 | Get into a church that's serious about your growth into holiness and Christ-likeness and

00:38:52.520 | it'll change you.

00:38:54.860 | So yeah, I don't hesitate to tell them to do that because for their welfare, if that

00:39:02.640 | church is not teaching them and emphasizing their growth in Christ, then what good is

00:39:11.080 | it that they're there?

00:39:14.480 | That's probably one of the things, it's a contributing factor, it's not the sole reason

00:39:17.520 | for their marital problems, but it certainly is a contributing factor to their marital

00:39:22.040 | problems.

00:39:23.040 | All right, we've just covered four areas.

00:39:27.440 | Why is it that people are not changing and growing through counseling situations?

00:39:32.360 | And we said one of the reasons is that they have no hope.

00:39:35.760 | Another reason is because there is an unwillingness for them to change.

00:39:39.780 | Another reason is they don't see the necessity of changing.

00:39:43.320 | And then the last reason is because they really don't know how to.

00:39:47.080 | They've never developed the skill, the ability to be able to do it.

00:39:50.560 | And so you need to teach them how.

00:39:52.480 | And that's the reason why we emphasized practicing the truth, putting the word into active obedience

00:39:59.700 | in a person's life.

00:40:00.920 | Now, this brings us to number 10.

00:40:03.500 | Number 10, as you interact with the people and reflect upon the data that you're gathering,

00:40:08.000 | you will have to decide on the best way to approach these people, all right?

00:40:12.120 | How do you approach them?

00:40:14.300 | And there's a couple of passages I want you to take a look at just real quickly.

00:40:17.620 | One is 1 Thessalonians chapter 5, verse 14.

00:40:20.600 | 1 Thessalonians 5, verse 14, which really presents to us the question, "What kind of

00:40:27.920 | person am I dealing with here?"

00:40:36.160 | Paul says, "We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly."

00:40:39.400 | So the first group is the unruly people.

00:40:44.000 | These are the type of people who are undisciplined in their life or they lack self-control in

00:40:50.800 | their life.

00:40:52.440 | "Encourage the fainthearted."

00:40:56.320 | So there's something different we do with fainthearted.

00:40:58.480 | "Help the weak.

00:41:00.440 | Be patient with every man."

00:41:01.640 | Of course, you don't want to help the unruly or encourage the unruly.

00:41:05.960 | No, no, no.

00:41:08.360 | You need to admonish them.

00:41:10.020 | And that word "admonish" is our word that we've talked about before, "nuthetao,"

00:41:14.520 | which is that combined word in the Greek of a noun and a verb.

00:41:21.760 | "Nus" is mind, "tithemi" is the verb, which means to place or to put into the mind.

00:41:28.880 | And so the idea is when you admonish, you're actually placing or putting sense into the

00:41:33.300 | mind.

00:41:34.300 | That's the reason why it's a real good word to translate it, "counsel."

00:41:37.540 | You counsel the unruly.

00:41:38.780 | You place sense into the mind of the unruly and the undisciplined.

00:41:41.840 | You encourage the fainthearted.

00:41:44.140 | You help the weak.

00:41:45.140 | You're patient with everyone.

00:41:49.120 | So you have to decide, "What do I need to do?

00:41:51.700 | Should I admonish them?

00:41:52.920 | Should I encourage them?

00:41:53.920 | Should I help them?"

00:41:54.920 | In order to do that, you've got to know who you're dealing with.

00:41:57.620 | And, of course, then he says, "Be patient with everyone, all people, whoever they are,

00:42:03.360 | whether they're unruly or fainthearted or weak.

00:42:06.820 | Be patient with them."

00:42:09.320 | That's true of all, everybody that you counsel.

00:42:13.340 | Then let's go back to the Old Testament.

00:42:14.940 | Let's go back to Proverbs 9, verse 7.

00:42:22.240 | Here Solomon is talking about actually wisdom in chapter 9, and he's talking about lady

00:42:29.780 | wisdom in contrast to lady folly.

00:42:34.660 | And lady wisdom offers an invitation to her feast, and lady folly does the same thing

00:42:43.820 | beginning in verse 13.

00:42:46.420 | But back in verse 7, it says, "He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, and he

00:42:54.380 | who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself.

00:42:58.340 | Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you.

00:43:01.900 | Reprove a wise man, and he will love you.

00:43:05.220 | Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser.

00:43:08.060 | Teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning.

00:43:11.140 | The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."

00:43:15.780 | So what are we dealing with?

00:43:16.780 | Are we dealing with a fool, a scoffer, or are we dealing with a wise man?

00:43:22.260 | What kind of a person are we dealing with?

00:43:24.000 | Because that affects how we approach them.

00:43:25.740 | How are you going to deal with these people?

00:43:28.540 | Yes, Ruben.

00:43:29.540 | >> Actually, today I was talking with some friends about this verse, and we would like

00:43:35.980 | to know what the proverbs mean by a scoffer.

00:43:43.100 | >> Someone who mocks God or His Word.

00:43:47.100 | >> So somebody who...

00:43:49.540 | >> In behavior or in language.

00:43:51.860 | >> Obviously a Christian can do that.

00:43:56.100 | >> No, I think there's a time where a Christian can do that.

00:43:59.420 | A Christian can scoff God.

00:44:02.780 | I think that Peter does that when he rebukes Jesus for saying that he must suffer and that

00:44:13.020 | he's going to be rejected by the scribes and the Pharisees.

00:44:15.620 | Jesus, in a sense, Peter rebukes him for that.

00:44:21.000 | He scoffs at that idea.

00:44:23.220 | And that's where Jesus turns and says to him, "Get thee behind me, Satan."

00:44:26.780 | Well, that's right after Peter's just made this declaration, "Oh, by the way, you are

00:44:32.300 | the Christ."

00:44:33.300 | All right, right after he makes that declaration, then Jesus says, "Yes, that's right.

00:44:39.100 | I'm the Christ, and the Christ, the Messiah, must suffer rejection at the hands of men.

00:44:44.700 | The Pharisees, the scribes, chief priests are going to reject me."

00:44:51.140 | Peter says, "No, Lord, that can't be.

00:44:54.100 | That's not my view of the Messiah."

00:44:56.740 | So on one hand, Peter's giving this wonderful...he's acclaiming Christ to be the Christ, and on

00:45:06.820 | the other hand, he turns right around and mocks Jesus and says, "That can't be.

00:45:12.640 | You got it all wrong."

00:45:13.640 | >> When Peter said that, Jesus somehow corrected him, right?

00:45:22.140 | He said, "Get behind me, Satan."

00:45:24.500 | >> Oh, yes.

00:45:25.500 | He did correct him at that particular time.

00:45:27.500 | >> So how could we understand that like Proverbs 9, 7, when it says they want to correct a

00:45:33.100 | scoffer?

00:45:34.100 | >> Because it's like Proverbs 13, 15 says, "The way of the transgressor is hard."

00:45:38.820 | In other words, there will be a time where even a believer can, I believe, transgress

00:45:46.020 | and actually be a scoffer.

00:45:47.980 | Now, mostly, I agree with what you're saying, mostly the people that are going to scoff

00:45:53.060 | God are going to be unbelievers.

00:45:55.260 | But is it possible for a time that a believer can act like an unbeliever?

00:45:58.940 | Yes.

00:45:59.940 | >> What I meant was more like in Proverbs 9, it seems like it is worthless to correct

00:46:05.620 | a scoffer, right?

00:46:07.300 | >> Yes.

00:46:08.300 | Because they're not teachable.

00:46:10.300 | That's right.

00:46:11.300 | Only a wise person is going to be teachable.

00:46:13.100 | It's worthless to correct a scoffer because they're not teachable.

00:46:16.900 | Michael.

00:46:17.900 | >> So what would the proper response be like to a scoffer, knowing that they're not teachable?

00:46:27.140 | >> One of the things that I love to do is take them back to Proverbs 1, and beginning

00:46:32.020 | in verse...

00:46:34.480 | One of the ways you deal with a scoffer is you take them over to Proverbs 1, and beginning

00:46:39.860 | in verse 24, he says, "Because I called you and you refused to stretch out my hand and

00:46:47.700 | no one paid attention, you neglected all my counsel, you did not want my reproof."

00:46:52.900 | So earlier, the scoffer scoffs at God, then God says, "I will also laugh at your calamity,

00:46:59.380 | I will mock when your dread comes, when your dread comes like a storm and your calamity

00:47:03.180 | comes like whirlwind, when distress and anguish come upon you, then they will call on me,

00:47:07.740 | but I will not answer.

00:47:08.740 | They will seek me diligently, but they will not find me."

00:47:11.620 | What's God saying?

00:47:12.620 | "I'm going to let you suffer the consequences of your sin.

00:47:16.340 | I'm going to let you suffer that.

00:47:19.420 | You're going to scoff my counsel, then..."

00:47:23.540 | In fact, he talks about the scoffer up in verse 22, "You're going to do that?

00:47:28.340 | You're going to scoff my counsel?

00:47:29.340 | Then I'm going to let you suffer the consequences of your sin."

00:47:32.100 | That's why later on, Proverbs 13, 15, the way of the transgressor is hard.

00:47:36.180 | Proverbs 13, 21, adversity pursues sinners.

00:47:41.580 | Now generally, I'm in full agreement with what Reuben's saying.

00:47:45.260 | The person who's really the overall scoffer is an unbeliever.

00:47:48.340 | It's true.

00:47:49.580 | That's exactly right.

00:47:50.740 | Now, for a time, can a Christian act like an unbeliever?

00:47:54.420 | Yes.

00:47:55.420 | Can he even scoff at the things of God?

00:47:57.460 | Yes.

00:47:58.460 | He can do that, but it'll only be for a time.

00:48:00.780 | Then he's going to repent and turn around, especially, well, you get an example of that

00:48:07.420 | like in 1 Corinthians 5, you've got the man who committed adultery with his stepmother,

00:48:15.020 | and he refused to be admonished for it.

00:48:19.020 | He scoffed at the admonishment, and Paul says, in a sense, excommunicate him, put him out

00:48:25.420 | of the church, turn him over to Satan, he says, for the destruction of the flesh that

00:48:29.380 | his soul might be saved.

00:48:33.020 | And then by the time we get to 2 Corinthians 2, the guy repents.

00:48:39.060 | He eventually shows himself to be a believer, but there was a time when he was committing

00:48:48.400 | this adultery or fornication with his stepmother where he did not act like he was a believer.

00:48:57.220 | Later on, he repents, he turns around, he changes.

00:49:03.180 | So here in Proverbs 9, verses 7 through 10, we've got an example of a person who's a scoffer,

00:49:14.860 | and it sets in contrast the difference between the scoffer and the wise man.

00:49:19.660 | By the way, Proverbs 9 is a key passage because it sets up, of all the chapters in the entire

00:49:27.180 | book of Proverbs, it sets up the entire book, because it illustrates what a life of wisdom

00:49:33.660 | is like, and it illustrates what a life of foolishness is like, and a contrast between

00:49:37.820 | the two, and it actually sets up the entire rest of the book.

00:49:42.420 | Proverbs 9 is key there.

00:49:44.700 | Proverbs 2 explains to us what wisdom and understanding is, but Proverbs 9 sets up the

00:49:50.700 | contrast between the two lifestyles.

00:49:54.700 | So number 11, "Then as you interact with people and reflect upon the data that you're gathering,

00:50:00.620 | you will have to decide on the best way to see these people."

00:50:05.640 | How are you going to deal with this?

00:50:07.500 | And this becomes a question, especially in marriage and family counseling, because you

00:50:11.820 | can counsel them individually, or sometimes we refer to that as concurrently.

00:50:21.740 | When would you want to do that?

00:50:23.340 | Well, if a marriage has gotten to the point where it's so brutal, and it's so bad between

00:50:30.420 | them, and probably some of you that have been in ministry long enough by now have seen that

00:50:35.300 | kind of thing happen, and they're attacking each other, and that's their only way of interacting.

00:50:44.060 | The only way they know how to interact with one another is just by attacking each other.

00:50:49.180 | And getting them together is not the right thing to do here at first.

00:50:53.940 | You're going to have to work with them individually at first and then put them back together again.

00:50:59.860 | Or another reason you would want to meet with them individually, if one spouse fears the

00:51:04.220 | other spouse for one reason or another.

00:51:07.620 | Maybe a physical fear, it may be a financial fear, it may be something like that that's

00:51:12.840 | out there, and there's just an inordinate fear of somebody has something on somebody,

00:51:20.260 | or threatens somebody with some kind of harm.

00:51:26.580 | You may not be able to meet together.

00:51:28.900 | Maybe a wife is fearful of her husband because he's a big brute, or maybe a husband is fearful

00:51:37.540 | of a wife because she's threatened to have him thrown in jail.

00:51:46.020 | And the more you put them together, the worse it gets right now.

00:51:49.740 | So you first have to meet with them separately, work on their attitudes towards God, their

00:51:56.340 | relationship to God, then their attitudes towards one another, their relationship with

00:51:59.940 | one another.

00:52:01.980 | That has to happen first.

00:52:04.260 | Or maybe there's one of the spouses that practices monopolizing all the time, and essentially

00:52:16.100 | excludes the other spouse from interacting.

00:52:21.620 | I've seen husbands do that with wives, and I've seen wives do that with husbands.

00:52:26.420 | Just a couple years ago, I had a, well, at least in my thinking, an infamous occasion

00:52:31.660 | of this where every time a husband opened his mouth to share anything in counseling,

00:52:35.740 | his wife would always revise it.

00:52:37.820 | She would always revise it.

00:52:41.420 | She'd say stuff like, "Well, you know what he means.

00:52:43.380 | He means this."

00:52:45.980 | Or if he said something that she didn't like, she would act like it was really a stupid

00:52:50.940 | comment.

00:52:51.940 | "Well, that's stupid.

00:52:52.940 | That's a dumb.

00:52:55.020 | That's dumb."

00:52:56.020 | So every time he opened his mouth, he was demeaned or revised.

00:53:01.340 | And I talked about this earlier.

00:53:03.740 | This is the type of, actually, this particular couple had come in because they weren't communicating

00:53:09.340 | well.

00:53:11.860 | She was complaining that her husband wouldn't communicate with her.

00:53:16.340 | Well, I know why, because every time he said something, it was always wrong.

00:53:23.620 | That's the reason why he's not communicating.

00:53:27.740 | Well, why would you meet with them individually?

00:53:32.180 | Well, sometimes, some spouses can be overly sensitive or timid about what the other spouse

00:53:39.060 | says or does.

00:53:43.140 | And temporarily, you may have to meet with them separately.

00:53:46.340 | They're overly sensitive or they're timid.

00:53:50.180 | Or sometimes, there's a refusal to see the other side or to change with the other person

00:53:56.500 | present.

00:54:00.020 | You may have to meet with them individually.

00:54:04.880 | Or sometimes, there's a personal problem that they're unwilling to discuss in front of their

00:54:10.700 | spouse.

00:54:14.100 | Maybe it's something of shame, and if they were to admit this in front of their spouse,

00:54:19.040 | it would be they would think that the world would come to an end.

00:54:22.980 | This would be too shameful.

00:54:24.180 | I can't handle this.

00:54:30.100 | Or sometimes, there's been a misuse of information or instruction that is given concerning their

00:54:37.660 | spouse.

00:54:43.100 | Maybe they've taken information that they've learned in counsel and they've gone out and

00:54:46.140 | shared it with other members of the family or extended members of the family or their

00:54:50.300 | father or mother, and it's now become detrimental to the counseling process.

00:55:03.460 | Or you may meet with them individually as a prevention of their spouse from proper interaction.

00:55:10.740 | Or they're the ones, I should say, that actually prevent their spouse from proper interaction.

00:55:16.500 | So you want to temporarily now pull them out of the equation.

00:55:23.080 | Or there's a fragility of relationship that runs a great risk if you were to counsel them

00:55:28.100 | together.

00:55:29.100 | Just things are so fragile.

00:55:31.520 | I mean, it's almost as if this marriage is in intensive care, emergency room of the hospital,

00:55:43.880 | and the heart of this marriage, the chest of this marriage is cracked open, and the

00:55:47.880 | surgeon is massaging the heart to keep it going.

00:55:52.960 | And one spouse is being brutal or uncaring, and the relationship is so fragile, it's ready

00:56:01.920 | to fall apart.

00:56:04.640 | You may want to meet with them individually.

00:56:07.360 | But again, let me emphasize that when you do that, you're stressing the fact that this

00:56:12.200 | is only temporary because long-term, meeting with them individually, they just get used

00:56:21.640 | to that.

00:56:22.640 | They don't get to solve their problems together, and they have to learn how to do that using

00:56:27.120 | the Word of God.

00:56:28.120 | >> [inaudible]

00:56:29.120 | >> Oh, yeah.

00:56:30.120 | There's one spouse, a husband or a wife, that prevents their spouse from proper interaction.

00:56:41.000 | Okay?

00:56:42.000 | That's what's happening.

00:56:46.400 | And number eight.

00:56:48.520 | All right, you may say, "Okay, let's meet with them together."

00:56:58.600 | Instead of concurrently, you would meet conjointly.

00:57:02.960 | This is where the couple comes together.

00:57:05.480 | Now, this is better, and this is much more preferable in counseling.

00:57:09.240 | This is what we're aiming at because when you meet with them together, it prevents gossip

00:57:14.680 | or a counselor's misinterpretation, misunderstanding.

00:57:19.120 | In fact, it helps to correct any misconceptions you may have as a counselor.

00:57:25.940 | You're getting both views.

00:57:27.080 | You're getting both sides at the same time.

00:57:33.640 | It helps to encourage accuracy and fullness of details of their marital interactions.

00:57:40.720 | One spouse will remember something that occurred in more detail than the other spouse will.

00:57:47.440 | And so, that helps you to get a more fuller picture of what's happening.

00:57:54.360 | When they meet together, you also get an insight into how they interact or react to one another.

00:58:04.880 | And as I said before, every marriage, everyone has a pattern of behavior, habits that they

00:58:15.920 | fall into.

00:58:17.000 | Sometimes they're good habits.

00:58:18.560 | Sometimes they're bad habits.

00:58:21.480 | And you get to observe that when you're meeting with both of them together.

00:58:26.840 | What kind of pattern of interacting have they formed?

00:58:31.440 | Fourthly, the counselor example can be used in the counseling context when you're meeting

00:58:37.680 | together, especially if you're married.

00:58:40.920 | If you're married and you can use your own example, this is the way my wife would respond

00:58:48.320 | to me if I were to say something like this.

00:58:50.760 | So, you can help the wife.

00:58:53.360 | This is the way I should respond to my wife when this particular topic comes up.

00:59:01.980 | You can use your own marriage as an example.

00:59:04.280 | It also decreases the counselor's manipulation by one party because some people are really

00:59:09.880 | good at manipulation.

00:59:14.440 | This is something they've practiced most of their life with their father or their mother

00:59:19.520 | or their friends or other people that they tend to know.

00:59:23.880 | They're really good at manipulation.

00:59:26.920 | And they may try to manipulate you, and you may be fooled by it.

00:59:30.240 | I've been fooled by people many a times.

00:59:32.200 | I tell them, "Listen, you can fool me, but you can't fool God."

00:59:36.720 | God sees everything that's going on.

00:59:39.960 | Furthermore, meeting with them together is an opportunity to practice good communication

00:59:44.480 | principles, the opportunity for them to use the Word of God, and you now, or they become

00:59:54.320 | accountable to you in how well they're using those good communication principles.

01:00:00.840 | A little bit later on in the class, we're going to talk about four rules of communication.

01:00:05.080 | You teach couples, get them interacting and practicing good communication.

01:00:09.160 | Number seven, there's an immediate problem solving under the supervision of the counselor.

01:00:16.680 | Instead of allowing problems to fester and just get worse, you can actually begin to

01:00:21.640 | take steps to solving those problems right there immediately in front of both of them.

01:00:25.520 | Number eight, it stresses unity and working on a common goal together.

01:00:29.360 | That may be the first time in their marriage they've ever really done that.

01:00:34.520 | Maybe it's been a hostile marriage.

01:00:38.400 | Maybe it's been the kind of a marriage where it's been very competitive, but now they have

01:00:45.040 | to work as a team, not as combatants.

01:00:52.240 | Or number nine, teaching, it becomes a teaching forum on how God-intended couples should honor

01:00:59.800 | Him through biblical problem-solving, how should they as a couple best honor God through

01:01:12.640 | biblical problem-solving.

01:01:15.600 | So when you meet with them together, there's plenty of advantages.

01:01:21.360 | It's just that in some circumstances, you may have to meet with them separately

01:01:36.400 | because the relationship is too fragile, because it's too volatile, and you've got to get them

01:01:47.000 | focused on pleasing God regardless of how their mate responds to them or fails to respond

01:01:55.760 | to them.

01:01:57.820 | And then you put them back together again so they're thinking all the right things and

01:02:00.760 | doing all the right things, expecting all the right things.

01:02:05.960 | All right, which brings us to then principle number 12 here that we want to highlight.

01:02:18.600 | As you interact with people and reflect upon the data that you're gathering, you will have

01:02:22.560 | to decide what to do if only one person is strongly committed and willing to work on

01:02:28.520 | their marriage.

01:02:29.520 | What are you going to do if only one person is really strongly committed to working on

01:02:35.480 | this?

01:02:37.000 | Well, you have to discern the reason for each spouse's response.

01:02:46.600 | Discern the reason for each spouse's response.

01:02:50.560 | Maybe they think it's the other person's problem, they are mostly the innocent party, that maybe

01:02:57.600 | they're thinking.

01:02:58.600 | I'm mostly an innocent party.

01:03:01.360 | It's what they've done.

01:03:02.360 | It's what they've said.

01:03:03.360 | You don't understand what they've done, they'll say to you as a counselor.

01:03:11.760 | That's the reason why they're not really willing to change because they don't think that they

01:03:16.840 | need to change at all.

01:03:19.000 | Fix my spouse.

01:03:20.280 | That's what you need to do.

01:03:21.800 | Fix my spouse.

01:03:22.800 | That's the reason why I'm here.

01:03:23.800 | I want you to fix my spouse.

01:03:24.800 | Well, I usually say to them, "Listen, you've been married for how long now?

01:03:27.960 | 15 years?"

01:03:28.960 | "Yeah."

01:03:29.960 | "Have you been trying to change your spouse?"

01:03:31.280 | "Oh, yes."

01:03:32.280 | "Has it worked?"

01:03:33.280 | "No."

01:03:34.280 | "Then don't expect me to try to change them either."

01:03:35.280 | "I can't do that.

01:03:37.280 | You've been trying to do it for 15 years and it hasn't worked.

01:03:41.580 | But there's one thing we can do, we can get you to change you.

01:03:46.320 | You can change."

01:03:47.320 | "Oh, well."

01:03:53.680 | Or they think it's no use, there's no amount of counseling that's really going to change

01:03:56.880 | things.

01:03:57.880 | And this is a person who's absolutely, totally lost all hope, which really calls into question

01:04:05.440 | the omnipotence of God.

01:04:09.560 | God can't change things in my marriage.

01:04:14.440 | Calls into question the sufficiency of the Word of God as well.

01:04:19.840 | And as a believer, that's dangerous.

01:04:22.800 | Or they want an excuse for getting out of the marriage and they will often sabotage

01:04:28.420 | the efforts made in counseling.

01:04:32.720 | You will have people do this to you.

01:04:36.880 | They'll come to marriage, but everything you...or they'll come to marriage counseling and everything

01:04:40.820 | that they do, in a sense, sabotages what you're attempting to do in counseling.

01:04:46.760 | I remember years ago, at one point I was working with a couple and I sat back and I thought

01:04:51.060 | to myself, "Why is this not working?"

01:04:54.300 | In every other normal situation, this marital counseling should be working.

01:05:00.020 | And it dawned on me, it was like God gave me special revelation.

01:05:06.020 | He didn't, but it was just like God turned the floodlights on, boom.

01:05:12.760 | This husband was coming to counseling because before he even ever entered counseling, he

01:05:18.860 | had decided to get out of this marriage and the only reason he was coming was because

01:05:23.820 | he wanted to be able to tell his family that he tried and it didn't work.

01:05:31.220 | He wanted to save face after the divorce.

01:05:36.620 | When that dawned on me, I'm going, "Whoosh, I know why he's here and I know why he's sabotaging

01:05:44.980 | everything.

01:05:46.040 | He doesn't want it to work.

01:05:49.000 | His mind, his life is already way past this."

01:05:55.020 | You say, "Well, did you confront him on it?"

01:05:57.220 | "Oh, yes, I did.

01:05:59.660 | I certainly did."

01:06:02.100 | And when I confronted him on it, both he and his wife were stunned.

01:06:09.840 | They were stunned that I said anything about it, but everything added up in that direction.

01:06:17.140 | And that was a turning point in the marriage counseling.

01:06:22.060 | He hung his head in that counseling session and he said, "That's right, that's right.

01:06:31.380 | I've already planned to divorce her.

01:06:36.460 | My girlfriend's waiting until this happens.

01:06:38.380 | We plan on getting married, ta-da, ta-da, ta-da, ta-da."

01:06:43.780 | So the only reason you're here is because you want to save face in front of your family.

01:06:47.700 | Is that it?

01:06:48.700 | Yeah.

01:06:49.700 | Do you realize how wicked that is?

01:06:51.700 | You're a liar.

01:06:53.700 | By coming here, you were saying to me, "I want to work on my marriage," but that's not

01:06:58.420 | what you really came for.

01:07:01.180 | You came to get an excuse.

01:07:06.940 | And that guy broke into tears.

01:07:12.940 | Because I think it was the first time that all of his wickedness, of his sinful inclinations

01:07:17.900 | and purposes and plans were all laid out on the table.

01:07:22.540 | And of course, his wife was devastated because she was hoping with all of her heart that

01:07:28.180 | they were really going to work on their marriage.

01:07:30.540 | And now to hear that he was there with ulterior motives changed the whole dynamic.

01:07:39.460 | But then when he began to repent, then it became really sweet.

01:07:47.300 | But you have people do this to you.

01:07:51.180 | They want to get out of their marriage and they'll sabotage every effort you make and

01:07:55.340 | you'll say to yourself, "Why is this not working?

01:07:57.820 | I don't understand why this is not working."

01:08:00.660 | Because somewhere, someone's not really been honest.

01:08:04.340 | If I'm not sure about it, sometimes I'll say this.

01:08:06.340 | You know, I'll say, "Tom, Mary, you know what?

01:08:10.700 | One of you acts to me like you want to get out of this marriage and you're only playing

01:08:15.220 | the game right now.

01:08:18.060 | Tell me if I'm wrong."

01:08:23.940 | And they look like deer that have been caught in headlights, right?

01:08:33.020 | Why is this not working?

01:08:34.260 | Look, we've tried this and we've worked on this, we've worked on this.

01:08:38.100 | From every biblical perspective I know of, this should be working but it's not.

01:08:42.540 | So the problem is not in the truth of the Word of God, the problem is not in the counsel,

01:08:46.780 | the problem has got to be in you.

01:08:48.340 | So what is the obstacle here?

01:08:50.660 | Why is this not working?

01:08:54.820 | You have to find that out.

01:08:57.540 | Or here is another thing.

01:08:59.540 | They've already decided on a divorce and they've gone to counseling in order to save face in

01:09:03.220 | front of the family.

01:09:04.220 | Well, that's what I was just talking about.

01:09:06.220 | I didn't click it yet.

01:09:09.180 | Or they've been involved in an affair whether declared or not and counseling is just a formality.

01:09:18.420 | Or they've been involved in a power struggle with their spouse and they're not interested

01:09:22.780 | in giving an inch.

01:09:27.100 | To save face means I stand where I stand and I'm not going to give an inch on this, which

01:09:34.860 | is an incredibly prideful position and certainly is not putting others before yourself, it's

01:09:40.220 | putting yourself up first and all has to go my way or it's not going to go any way.

01:09:47.340 | It's that whole philosophy, it's my way or the highway.

01:09:52.580 | And when people take hard and fast positions like that, you have good reason to begin to

01:09:57.180 | question whether or not these people are genuine believers.

01:10:03.260 | When they take these hard and fast positions, it's my way or the highway.

01:10:08.660 | I've got to have my way or nothing else is going to work and we've got major problems.

01:10:15.460 | Well, when only one spouse is willing to work on their problem, then what should your counseling

01:10:28.300 | emphasis or focus be?

01:10:32.420 | What should happen when that occurs?

01:10:35.580 | Well, if they think it's entirely the other person's problem, then you need to seek and

01:10:40.980 | illuminate the unwilling spouse.

01:10:45.440 | Matthew 7, 1 through 6 has to do with the log and the splinter, remember?

01:10:51.660 | Jesus says there in the Sermon on the Mount, He talks about judging other people and it's

01:10:59.300 | very easy to pick the splinter or the speck out of the other person's eye.

01:11:04.820 | It's not the Greek word really for splinter.

01:11:07.060 | They only use splinter because of the term log that's used there.

01:11:10.300 | It's actually speck.

01:11:12.300 | I really think it's a reference to floaties.

01:11:14.620 | You know, have you ever had a floaty in your eye?

01:11:16.940 | A little piece of dust get in there and you can see it go across there.

01:11:20.960 | Imagine if I came to you and said, "Here, let me pick that little floaty out of your

01:11:23.860 | eye."

01:11:24.860 | You'd say, "Get away from me."

01:11:26.420 | And all along, I have this gigantic log hanging out of my eye.

01:11:29.540 | I mean, is that hyperbole or what?

01:11:33.400 | That is pure hyperbole.

01:11:34.580 | Jesus is really stretching the analogy to the point that really makes a great point.

01:11:44.420 | And that is we're really good at judging other people minutely, but we use a very, very loose

01:11:51.740 | judgment on ourselves.

01:11:55.740 | So you need to find out why this has happened, and of course, Romans 12, 17 through 21 deals

01:12:01.740 | with the issue of don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

01:12:08.920 | That's our responsibility.

01:12:11.860 | Furthermore, if they're hopeless, if both are Christians, then you must help them see

01:12:20.180 | that there is no marriage problems beyond God's help.

01:12:23.860 | There's no marriage problems beyond God's help.

01:12:26.740 | I think I've used this analogy before, but, you know, you need to help them to see, "Listen,

01:12:31.020 | this problem looks like a gigantic mountain in front of them, but they've got to be able

01:12:34.460 | to lift their eyes behind and above this mountain stands God.

01:12:39.900 | This problem is not bigger than God.

01:12:42.580 | It looks like a mountain.

01:12:44.860 | It looks like it's almost insurmountable, but God who is there is their God, their Lord

01:12:52.140 | is bigger than this problem."

01:12:54.960 | This is that 1 Corinthians 10, 13 issue, "There is no temptation taking you except for what

01:12:59.540 | is common to man, and God is faithful.

01:13:01.420 | He will not allow you to be tempted above what you're able."

01:13:07.060 | Or if they want an excuse, or if they've decided on a divorce, then explain biblical reasons

01:13:11.960 | for divorce, "All other divorce is willful sin," and let them know that how dangerous

01:13:19.540 | presumptuous willful sin is.

01:13:24.720 | It's one thing to sin inadvertently.

01:13:27.060 | That's a sin, and it's wrong before God, and something that need to be repented.

01:13:30.300 | I'm not minimizing that at all.

01:13:32.260 | However, the Bible does say that willful presumptuous sin has a special quality to it.

01:13:38.020 | Let me illustrate it by taking you over to Psalm 19.

01:13:44.580 | David here talks about presumptuous sin in verse 13.

01:13:54.060 | He talks about inadvertent sin in verse 12, but presumptuous sin in verse 13, he says,

01:13:58.820 | "Also, keep back your servant from presumptuous sin."

01:14:01.400 | Those are very willful sins that people commit.

01:14:05.880 | He says then, the very next phrase, "Let them not rule over me."

01:14:11.420 | Presumptuous sins have an unusual enslaving quality to them.

01:14:17.780 | The same thing is what God said to Cain in Genesis chapter 4 and verse 7, "Why are you

01:14:25.980 | angry?

01:14:26.980 | Why is your face downcast?

01:14:28.100 | If you do what is right, will not your countenance be lifted up?

01:14:31.060 | But if you don't do what is right, sin is crouching at your door.

01:14:34.420 | It desires to have you."

01:14:36.020 | The idea is it desires to master you, but you must master it.

01:14:41.020 | Willful presumptuous sin has a mastering quality to it, an enslaving quality to it.

01:14:49.380 | This is something that is going to dominate them and destroy their life.

01:14:55.660 | If I see a spouse that is willing to walk out of counseling and go about and still get

01:15:01.300 | a divorce and practice willful sin, before they leave counseling, I'll at least repeat

01:15:07.260 | Proverbs 13, 15 a half dozen times, if not more.

01:15:10.660 | By the way, Tom, do you know the way of the transgressor is hard?

01:15:14.220 | Then I'll talk and counsel for a while, and then I'll say, "By the way, Tom, did you know

01:15:17.940 | the Bible says the way of the transgressor is hard?"

01:15:20.780 | And you know, Tom, later on, the way of the transgressor is hard, I want that ringing

01:15:25.580 | in Tom's conscience as he goes out of there, so that later on when he goes about to sin,

01:15:31.140 | you know what he's going to remember?

01:15:32.740 | He's going to remember my voice saying, "Tom, the way of the transgressor is hard."

01:15:42.700 | And when times get tough in his life, he's going to remember, "The way of the transgressor

01:15:46.900 | is hard," or verse 21, "Adversity pursues sinners."

01:15:52.100 | Tom, things are going to get tough from here.

01:15:55.980 | Do you know that I've had counselees come back to me five years after counseling, and

01:16:00.780 | they finally repented, changed their life, and things got really bad for them after they

01:16:05.460 | went out and participated in their sin?

01:16:08.620 | And they'll say to me, "Hey, you know, that last counseling, you remember that last counseling?"

01:16:11.700 | "Oh, yeah, I remember it."

01:16:14.420 | We had, "Well, did you know that I hated what you said to me?"

01:16:16.980 | I said, "Oh, yeah, it was pretty evident."

01:16:22.100 | But you know, that's the thing that worked on my conscience over the past five years.

01:16:28.420 | That's why I'm back.

01:16:31.280 | The way of the transgressor is hard.

01:16:34.700 | It's hard.

01:16:36.620 | It's going to get tough.

01:16:37.620 | Life's going to get tough, and that's what they'll remember every time life gets tough.

01:16:42.900 | They think they're running from their problems when in reality, they're carrying all their

01:16:45.900 | problems inside in a neat little package called a wicked heart.

01:16:50.680 | That's where all their problems is.

01:16:52.340 | They think they're getting away from their problems by getting out of that marriage,

01:16:55.740 | when in reality, they're carrying all their problems with them into that whatever that

01:17:00.340 | new relationship is.

01:17:05.760 | The seeds of the destruction of future relationships is already there and sown in their heart.

01:17:11.280 | Well number four, if number five above, that is, they've been involved in an affair, repentance

01:17:16.020 | and recommitment to making their marriage work for Christ's sake has got to be the key

01:17:20.180 | here.

01:17:23.300 | That is, if their spouse will take them back, and if their spouse is willing to forgive

01:17:29.420 | them, then they should take them back.

01:17:35.280 | Forgiveness entails reconciliation.

01:17:38.900 | In fact, forgiveness is actually the first step in the broader reconciliation process.

01:17:46.060 | So if they're willing to forgive, they will take them back.

01:17:53.480 | Number five, then if number six above, that mean they've been involved in a power struggle

01:17:58.500 | in the relationship, then submission to Christ will resolve in repentance and a humble spirit

01:18:03.540 | towards their spouse.

01:18:09.940 | Submission to Christ will result in a humble spirit towards their spouse.

01:18:31.820 | Now, if then in counseling you have done everything that you can do to get your unwilling person

01:18:48.900 | involved in the counseling process and they still resist, then the following principles

01:18:57.580 | are true.

01:18:59.060 | Grab your Bible, let's go over to Matthew chapter 10 and verse 34.

01:19:14.860 | Jesus says, "Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth.

01:19:19.140 | I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.

01:19:22.500 | For I came to set man against father, daughter against mother, daughter-in-law against her

01:19:27.500 | mother-in-law, a man's enemies will be members of his own household.

01:19:32.860 | He who loves father and mother more than me is not worthy of me.

01:19:36.200 | He who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

01:19:39.540 | He who does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me.

01:19:44.220 | He who has found his life will lose it and he who has lost his life for my sake will

01:19:50.180 | find it."

01:19:51.180 | In fact, if one spouse determines to live for the Lord and it alienates the other spouse,

01:19:58.420 | this is what Jesus is talking about, then you can't help it.

01:20:04.460 | Sometimes that's going to occur.

01:20:08.860 | Let's go over to Romans 12, Matthew 10, 34 through 39, in Romans 12, we're interested

01:20:16.980 | in verse 18, "So the spouse that is the honorable spouse, the one that stays and wants to make

01:20:25.580 | the marriage work, the one that wants to do things God's way, no matter what, they need

01:20:31.540 | to practice this with the spouse who's unwilling to reconcile."

01:20:35.860 | Verse 18, "If possible, so far as it depends upon you, be at peace with all men."

01:20:42.220 | Sometimes it is possible, sometimes it's not, but he says if it is possible.

01:20:46.980 | "So far as it depends upon you," sometimes it doesn't depend upon you, but as far as

01:20:53.180 | it does, "be at peace with all men.

01:20:57.340 | Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is

01:21:01.460 | written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay.'

01:21:04.900 | But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he's thirsty, give him a drink, for in doing

01:21:08.780 | so you will heap burning coals on his head,'" which was ancient warfare terminology.

01:21:14.420 | What does that mean?

01:21:15.420 | Verse 21, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

01:21:19.260 | In other words, instead of heaping on coals, you're heaping on good to that person.

01:21:27.360 | You're heaping on good.

01:21:33.100 | And then, of course, there's the principle there in 1 Peter chapter 3, verses 1 through

01:21:36.740 | 9.

01:21:37.740 | We're going to talk about this a little bit later in the class, but 1 Peter 3 is actually

01:21:44.180 | written to Christian spouses who are married primarily to unbelieving spouses.

01:21:51.340 | In verse 1, it refers to wives married to unbelieving husbands, or at least husbands

01:21:56.580 | who act like unbelievers.

01:21:59.460 | In verse 7, it's written to Christian husbands that are married to unbelieving wives within

01:22:07.220 | context that are bringing hardship into their lives.

01:22:11.100 | So within this context, you take a look at verses 8 and 9, then it says, "To sum up,"

01:22:16.820 | after addressing the husband and wife, he says, "All of you," all husbands and wives,

01:22:21.340 | "be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit, not returning evil for

01:22:27.140 | evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead, for you were called for the very

01:22:31.660 | purpose that you might inherit a blessing."

01:22:34.140 | Now, this is what you say to the spouse who's willing to work on this.

01:22:38.780 | "Then I always have them memorize 1 Peter 4.19, 'Therefore, those who suffer according

01:22:46.460 | to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right.'"

01:22:54.820 | That becomes their marching orders.

01:22:57.580 | "Those who suffer according to the will of God should commit themselves or entrust their

01:23:04.620 | souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right."

01:23:10.740 | That's what should be happening.

01:23:14.260 | So that is, if you've done everything you can in order to get the unwilling person involved

01:23:18.300 | and they still resist, then you need to confront the unwilling person with Matthew 10 and then

01:23:23.940 | help the willing spouse with Romans 12 and 1 Peter 3, 1 through 9, to teach them how

01:23:30.820 | to live and respond to their spouse that's not willing to handle things God's way.

01:23:36.780 | Now, number 13, "Then as you interact with people and reflect upon the data that you're

01:23:42.100 | gathering, you will have to decide what to do if only one person is strongly committed

01:23:46.500 | and willing to come to counseling."

01:23:50.740 | What are you going to do?

01:23:51.740 | Well, don't assume when that happens that you always hear the full story.

01:23:56.580 | You're only getting one side of the story.

01:23:58.380 | According to Proverbs 18, 17, that's kind of dangerous.

01:24:01.260 | So always assume there's more to the story than what they're telling you, no matter how

01:24:04.900 | well-intended that spouse may be.

01:24:10.460 | Ask the willing person why their spouse thinks that it's the other person's fault.

01:24:16.820 | That's a good way to get a little bit of information from the other perspective.

01:24:22.100 | Ask them why their spouse hasn't been available for biblical counseling.

01:24:25.580 | Why is that?

01:24:28.340 | Ask them why they think it's no use to make the effort of counseling.

01:24:33.280 | Why is there no use to make the effort for counseling?

01:24:39.060 | Ask them why they've been involved in the affair outside of marriage.

01:24:45.900 | Did you drive them into the arms of another man or woman by your attitudes, by your actions?

01:24:55.580 | Ask them why they've been in a power struggle with their mate.

01:25:02.340 | Why have they been in a power struggle with their mate?

01:25:04.700 | Which reflects on all the things that we just talked about earlier.

01:25:20.760 | Why has that gone on?

01:25:27.700 | So you need to gather data.

01:25:30.860 | If you don't have the other spouse there, then there are other ways that you could probably

01:25:34.180 | get at some of this data and have a more full view of it.

01:25:42.560 | Furthermore, you need to write, call, email, instant message the spouse that refuses to

01:25:53.340 | attend.

01:25:54.660 | Let them know that they are welcome anytime.

01:26:01.660 | Make sure they know they are welcome anytime to be a part of this process.

01:26:09.820 | And then, you're supposed to work with the person that will come.

01:26:16.620 | And one of the things that you can do indirectly is to encourage the counselee to share, you

01:26:24.060 | got to be careful with the teaching part, but share what they have learned with their

01:26:29.060 | spouse.

01:26:30.100 | If the spouse is open and receptive to hear and sometimes these spouses are very curious

01:26:35.980 | because they haven't been there.

01:26:36.980 | They're very curious about what's happened in the counseling.

01:26:41.620 | And counseling is not there to run down the spouse that's not present.

01:26:47.620 | Counseling is there to work on the spouse that is there, is present, to work on their

01:26:53.620 | attitudes and actions.

01:26:56.020 | That's what counseling is about.

01:26:59.580 | Now, I've done this before in the past.

01:27:03.540 | You can also tape your sessions and send them home as an assignment.

01:27:08.980 | You can actually videotape it and the spouse's assignment is to go home and put the DVD in

01:27:18.660 | the player and watch it on the television.

01:27:21.560 | And the other spouse that's usually moving through the house or gets curious and plops

01:27:25.300 | down the chair and they end up sitting down listening to the counseling session.

01:27:29.680 | Sometimes that's helpful.

01:27:30.680 | There are certain ways that you can do this.

01:27:38.340 | And there are other ways that you can secure also involvement of the person who won't come

01:27:43.580 | through personal contact.

01:27:45.340 | Maybe you could ask them, give them an assignment and ask the spouse that is willing to come,

01:27:53.020 | "Will you take this to your husband or wife and will you ask them to fill out eight or

01:28:00.060 | ten areas that they think are the most important areas that need to be worked on in the marriage?"

01:28:07.020 | That'll give you a lot of data.

01:28:13.460 | And prioritize those things.

01:28:19.620 | They don't want to go through the process of counseling, we can at least solicit their

01:28:26.420 | input sometimes indirectly in counseling.

01:28:35.520 | Of course, when you do that, you don't want to make it too difficult or too hard because

01:28:41.180 | the spouse is unwilling to come to begin with.

01:28:43.420 | They're not going to want to do a really difficult assignment.

01:28:49.600 | But if it's an assignment explaining all the problems with the spouse that is willing to

01:28:55.060 | come, then they may be willing to fill out a lengthy sheet.

01:28:59.440 | Let me tell you what's wrong with them.

01:29:04.740 | Counseling.

01:29:04.780 | Counseling.

01:29:05.280 | Counseling.

Lecture 10: Marriage and Family Counseling - Dr. John D. Street

Chapters