How Can I Disagree with My Husband and Still Submit?
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | Today we have a marriage question on the table
00:00:07.560 | and it's from a listener named Mary.
00:00:09.840 | Hello Pastor John, I know that submission
00:00:12.320 | is the requirement of the wife
00:00:14.560 | and I've been working hard lately to hold my tongue
00:00:17.600 | and agree with my husband,
00:00:19.360 | even when I have a different opinion.
00:00:21.440 | Recently he bought a new car.
00:00:24.120 | I felt in my gut that this was unwise.
00:00:27.400 | I made one comment to him about it,
00:00:29.640 | but could see his mind was already made up.
00:00:31.720 | So it went along with his decision.
00:00:34.280 | And now it turns out that my gut instinct was right.
00:00:38.280 | The car purchase was unwise.
00:00:40.880 | We both know that now.
00:00:43.440 | And now I feel especially responsible
00:00:45.520 | for not trying harder to convince him in the first place.
00:00:48.720 | Am I at fault for not speaking up?
00:00:51.560 | I'd like to hear you address the concerns
00:00:53.160 | of a disagreeing wife who also wants to submit.
00:00:57.800 | - I think it's really crucial to step back
00:01:01.240 | with a question like this from the immediate question,
00:01:05.280 | like am I at fault for not speaking up more
00:01:09.640 | when my husband was about to make a foolish choice?
00:01:12.440 | That's the question, I'll get to it shortly.
00:01:14.720 | But step back and put the question against the backdrop
00:01:19.720 | of three larger perspectives.
00:01:23.520 | I'm always wanting to do this
00:01:25.240 | so that the discussion of complementarianism
00:01:28.160 | and manhood and womanhood, male and female,
00:01:30.680 | sexuality, relationships, roles,
00:01:33.880 | are kept in the bigger biblical picture
00:01:37.340 | out of which flow a kind of ethos and spirit,
00:01:41.440 | which is always more important
00:01:43.320 | than particular lists of do's and don'ts.
00:01:46.680 | So the first larger perspective
00:01:50.640 | would be to remind ourselves
00:01:52.520 | that all women and all men,
00:01:56.280 | all husbands and all wives,
00:01:58.680 | are fallen and sinful and selfish and foolish.
00:02:03.680 | And where these things are not being put to death
00:02:07.300 | by the spirit, Romans 8:13,
00:02:10.420 | men are fools and women are fools.
00:02:15.080 | And I think it's accurate and helpful
00:02:18.180 | to be reminded that men and women are equally sinful,
00:02:23.180 | equally corrupt, equally prone to selfishness
00:02:28.820 | and foolishness.
00:02:31.020 | Now, to be sure, there are different ways
00:02:36.020 | that manhood expresses its sinfulness.
00:02:40.640 | I mean, a person should give a good deal of thought
00:02:43.320 | to why it is that 93% of all incarcerated people
00:02:48.320 | in America are men.
00:02:51.820 | Let that sink in, 156,000 compared to 11,000.
00:02:56.820 | That has something to do not
00:03:00.320 | with greater levels of sinfulness,
00:03:03.600 | but greater levels of peculiar manlike sinfulness,
00:03:08.600 | which somebody should really think hard about.
00:03:12.700 | And there are different ways
00:03:14.440 | that womanhood expresses its sinfulness,
00:03:18.020 | but selfishness and foolishness
00:03:19.960 | are no respecter of sexuality,
00:03:23.460 | which means that this woman's question is not unusual.
00:03:28.460 | This is an everyday struggle, I dare say.
00:03:31.360 | At times, in every marriage,
00:03:33.000 | a husband who does not seek or welcome
00:03:36.500 | or concede to his wife's wisdom, like a fool.
00:03:41.660 | A wife who will not heed her husband's wise counsel
00:03:46.660 | about some of her ways, like a fool.
00:03:50.600 | The second larger perspective
00:03:52.480 | in which the question needs to be framed
00:03:56.180 | is the breadth and depth
00:03:59.780 | of the biblical teaching on submission.
00:04:02.700 | The Bible portrays godly children
00:04:06.960 | as submissive to parents,
00:04:08.560 | godly citizens as submissive to government,
00:04:12.000 | godly church members as submissive to their leaders,
00:04:15.660 | godly slaves as submissive to their masters,
00:04:18.940 | godly wives as submissive to their husbands.
00:04:22.160 | And lest we think that's the extent of it,
00:04:25.360 | like we gotta figure out every role
00:04:26.920 | and how everybody does the dance in these roles,
00:04:29.520 | lest we think that's the extent of it,
00:04:31.400 | Jesus said, "Whoever would be great must be your servant,
00:04:37.640 | "must be the servant of everyone."
00:04:40.880 | Okay, go add that to the submission mix.
00:04:44.520 | And he said, "Bless those who curse you,
00:04:47.660 | "pray for those who abuse you.
00:04:49.680 | "If someone strikes you on the cheek,
00:04:51.640 | "turn to him the other also.
00:04:53.320 | "If someone demands that you go one mile, go with him too.
00:04:57.080 | "If they take your coat, give him your shirt also."
00:05:01.280 | And Paul said, "We should count everyone,
00:05:03.720 | "everyone more significant than ourselves.
00:05:07.080 | "And don't just look to your own interest,
00:05:08.520 | "but look to the interests of others."
00:05:09.920 | In other words, humility, servanthood,
00:05:13.560 | submission are not a sidebar.
00:05:16.520 | Goodness, they're not a sidebar in the New Testament.
00:05:19.600 | They are pervasive and foundational.
00:05:22.680 | It is, Paul says in Philippians 2, 5 to 8,
00:05:25.600 | the mind of Christ.
00:05:27.680 | This entire emphasis of the New Testament
00:05:30.600 | is as prominent as it is, I believe,
00:05:34.660 | because God intends for Christ to be exalted
00:05:39.660 | usually and normatively,
00:05:44.320 | I'm choosing my words carefully here,
00:05:47.560 | by attitudes and actions that show others
00:05:52.260 | that we are so content and so secure in Christ
00:05:56.960 | that we don't need to be vengeful
00:05:59.000 | or dominating or self-exalting.
00:06:02.280 | That's what's behind that whole motif.
00:06:05.020 | Our security, our contentment, our identity
00:06:09.220 | is in being the blood-bought,
00:06:11.620 | universe-inheriting children of God.
00:06:16.140 | And what a freedom that brings into all relationships.
00:06:21.140 | And that bigger perspective has two effects,
00:06:26.340 | at least on the unique ways of existence
00:06:30.500 | called male and female, manhood and womanhood.
00:06:33.880 | One effect is to keep in front of our eyes
00:06:37.740 | that the point of humility and servanthood and submission
00:06:42.740 | is the display of the universal lordship of Jesus Christ
00:06:47.820 | over all his people, all the time, in every way,
00:06:52.660 | so that every dimension of our relational behavior
00:06:56.260 | makes him look glorious and all-satisfying
00:07:01.140 | and makes ourselves look dependent on him.
00:07:05.140 | That's the point of every relationship.
00:07:08.820 | And the other effect of this perspective
00:07:11.500 | is to remind us that the universal servanthood
00:07:16.500 | and humility and submission of all Christians
00:07:20.260 | does not nullify the God-given
00:07:24.700 | creational differences between male and female,
00:07:29.060 | but rather sets us on a quest
00:07:32.180 | to discern the peculiar ways, the special ways,
00:07:36.900 | in which a man's headship and leadership displays
00:07:40.700 | his humility and servanthood,
00:07:42.820 | and the peculiar ways in which a woman responds
00:07:47.500 | to that leadership, humbly, submissively, servant-like.
00:07:53.980 | Here's the third perspective that we need to keep in view,
00:07:58.980 | namely, that in marriage, the aim is to dramatize
00:08:04.180 | the covenant-keeping relationship
00:08:06.060 | between Christ and the church.
00:08:07.940 | That's the main purpose of marriage, as God created it,
00:08:11.820 | with the husband taking his cues primarily from Christ
00:08:15.140 | and the wife taking her cues primarily from the church,
00:08:19.580 | as Paul describes it in Ephesians 5.
00:08:22.980 | And this parable of Christ and the church
00:08:26.900 | does not become meaningless,
00:08:29.980 | even though husbands, unlike Christ,
00:08:34.180 | are sinful, selfish, finite, and foolish.
00:08:38.480 | Christ is none of those things.
00:08:42.060 | So just like manhood and womanhood
00:08:45.540 | in their creaturely natural reality remain relevant
00:08:50.380 | for how humility and servanthood express themselves,
00:08:54.300 | so also Christ and the church,
00:08:57.860 | as models of the marriage drama, remain relevant,
00:09:02.620 | even though the husband is so unlike Christ
00:09:06.320 | in significant ways.
00:09:08.540 | Now, those are the three larger perspectives
00:09:12.580 | that need to be kept in view, I think,
00:09:14.580 | meditated on as we ask this wife's particular question.
00:09:19.740 | And what she asked was,
00:09:20.980 | am I at fault for not speaking up
00:09:24.100 | when my husband was about to make a decision
00:09:26.980 | I thought was foolish,
00:09:28.180 | or at least not speaking up more persistently?
00:09:30.980 | And my answer to this question is,
00:09:33.820 | in her particular case, I don't know.
00:09:36.780 | And a brief explanation for why I don't know
00:09:40.700 | will, I think, help her answer the question
00:09:43.180 | for herself biblically.
00:09:45.440 | The reason I don't know
00:09:47.460 | is not because it's always right or always wrong
00:09:52.460 | for a woman to share her wisdom with her husband
00:09:57.460 | about actions he's about to take.
00:10:00.060 | It's not always wrong, and it's not always right.
00:10:04.060 | It's not always wrong
00:10:06.260 | because even in the church's relationship to Christ,
00:10:10.980 | we, the church, let our will, our desires,
00:10:14.500 | our wants be known.
00:10:16.720 | What we think is wise be known in prayer.
00:10:19.780 | That's what prayer is,
00:10:21.180 | and telling God what we would like him to do.
00:10:24.740 | And since Christ, being perfect,
00:10:27.380 | does not need our counsel at all, thank you very much,
00:10:30.900 | he doesn't need our prayers
00:10:32.580 | to tell him how to run the world,
00:10:34.220 | but welcomes it,
00:10:36.140 | how much more is it fitting for a wife
00:10:39.460 | to let her requests be made known
00:10:42.340 | concerning what's about to happen in the marriage?
00:10:45.980 | And there are numerous other reasons
00:10:48.360 | why it would not always be wrong
00:10:51.220 | for a wife to register her concern
00:10:53.900 | and her wisdom about the decision
00:10:56.120 | the husband is about to make.
00:10:58.940 | But I say it's not always right either
00:11:02.700 | because the rightness of it
00:11:06.440 | depends on, in part, timing,
00:11:10.160 | demeanor, tone of voice,
00:11:13.360 | a choice of language,
00:11:15.440 | a history of the husband's chronic stupidity
00:11:18.880 | or a wife's chronic nagging.
00:11:21.480 | There are just way, way too many factors
00:11:25.160 | that I don't know about in this case
00:11:27.720 | to say whether her mentioning it once was exactly right
00:11:32.480 | or whether she should have leaned in more.
00:11:35.080 | I just would have to know so much more
00:11:38.400 | in order to make any judgment call
00:11:40.520 | about whether she did exactly the right thing
00:11:42.920 | or maybe she should have done more.
00:11:45.840 | But in general, I would say,
00:11:48.880 | in a healthy, biblical marriage,
00:11:52.800 | a husband would quite ordinarily seek,
00:11:56.000 | very normally seek and welcome his wife's wisdom
00:12:01.000 | and the wife would have the maturity and wisdom and grace
00:12:06.080 | to give that wisdom without dishonoring her husband
00:12:10.180 | or communicating that he's an unworthy leader of the home.
00:12:14.340 | What I hope is obvious in all of this
00:12:17.720 | is that biblical manhood and womanhood
00:12:22.120 | in the relationship of marriage
00:12:24.200 | does not consist in a mere list
00:12:28.360 | of things you may or may not say,
00:12:31.080 | things you may or may not do,
00:12:33.680 | but rather in a biblically informed,
00:12:38.160 | spirit-shaped disposition and demeanor
00:12:43.160 | that reflects a man's unique calling
00:12:47.980 | to be the head of the home and a woman's unique calling
00:12:51.860 | to gladly support that calling of the man
00:12:55.140 | by coming alongside him
00:12:57.180 | with her unique, indispensable, womanly gifts.
00:13:02.180 | - Good word.
00:13:03.560 | Thank you for walking through all of that for us,
00:13:05.580 | Pastor John.
00:13:06.740 | And thanks for joining us today on the podcast
00:13:08.740 | for our feed, our archive,
00:13:10.400 | or to send us a question of your own,
00:13:11.880 | go online to desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.
00:13:16.440 | Next time we're going to look at the love of money
00:13:20.400 | and ask what is its opposite?
00:13:22.720 | What's the converse to the love of money?
00:13:26.040 | Such a huge and important question
00:13:27.740 | and we have to answer it right.
00:13:30.200 | I hope you won't miss it.
00:13:31.080 | That's up next time.
00:13:32.620 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.
00:13:33.740 | We'll see you back here on Wednesday.
00:13:35.940 | Thanks for joining us today.
00:13:37.340 | (upbeat music)
00:13:39.920 | (upbeat music)
00:13:42.500 | [BLANK_AUDIO]