My Girlfriend Affirms Homosexual Love — Is This a Deal-Breaker?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - Well, we get many questions from boyfriends

00:00:06.160 | and girlfriends who are trying to discern

00:00:07.960 | God's will in a spouse.

00:00:10.240 | What types of things are marriage deal breakers?

00:00:14.120 | And that's the theme of today's question,

00:00:16.060 | a really important one from a young man.

00:00:18.120 | Dear Pastor John, I have been with my girlfriend

00:00:20.380 | for eight months now, and I believe that she could be

00:00:22.680 | the one God has for me.

00:00:24.920 | She loves Jesus and shows it in many ways.

00:00:28.440 | The next step in our relationship is marriage.

00:00:31.040 | We both love each other dearly,

00:00:33.080 | and we would both be excited to be married together.

00:00:36.560 | However, there is only one thing that stops me.

00:00:40.200 | She has told me on several occasions

00:00:42.520 | she does not believe homosexuality is a sin.

00:00:46.760 | I point her to Romans 1, 26, 27,

00:00:49.880 | but she gives me no indication she will back down from this.

00:00:53.480 | Is this a deal breaker for our relationship?

00:00:57.980 | Yes, it is a deal breaker.

00:01:01.980 | Now, before I say why, remember,

00:01:08.860 | before you are married, you have an awesome privilege

00:01:13.560 | of marrying or not marrying.

00:01:16.700 | It's not a sin to break off an engagement

00:01:19.420 | for biblical, godly reasons, but once you are married,

00:01:24.580 | what she believes can't end the marriage.

00:01:29.420 | You're not free to put asunder what God has joined together.

00:01:34.420 | You make your vows, form a holy covenant,

00:01:39.400 | make promises for better or for worse,

00:01:43.300 | till death do us part, and that means for worse, beliefs.

00:01:48.300 | She may cease to believe in Jesus at all

00:01:52.380 | after you're married. She may become a Satanist.

00:01:55.840 | She may become a witch, a real witch.

00:01:59.220 | She's your wife by sacred covenant before God,

00:02:04.900 | and he's the one who created the union, not you.

00:02:07.460 | What God has joined together, let no one put asunder,

00:02:11.020 | but for now, you're not bound to her in this way,

00:02:15.440 | and I'm arguing you should not be.

00:02:18.740 | Now, why would I say that?

00:02:21.800 | Here's what you say.

00:02:22.800 | She has told me on several occasions

00:02:25.960 | she doesn't believe homosexuality is a sin.

00:02:29.780 | I assume you mean homosexual activity is a sin.

00:02:36.740 | I point her to Romans 1, 26 and 27,

00:02:43.140 | but she gives me no indication that she will back down.

00:02:47.600 | Now, I'm gonna give you five reasons

00:02:50.860 | why I think that's a deal breaker for marriage,

00:02:53.820 | and I'll put them in the order

00:02:56.120 | that I think is least important

00:02:58.820 | and end on the one that I think's most important.

00:03:01.800 | I might be wrong about the order,

00:03:03.260 | but each of them I think is valid.

00:03:05.580 | Number one, differences between you like this

00:03:10.000 | will create enormous pressures and tensions

00:03:12.420 | when it comes to teaching your children right and wrong.

00:03:15.220 | It's one thing to say, "Mommy likes coffee

00:03:19.180 | and Daddy doesn't."

00:03:21.100 | It is massively different to say,

00:03:24.260 | "Mommy believes two boys kissing and having sex is good

00:03:29.260 | and Daddy thinks it's evil."

00:03:31.300 | This will be incredibly disorienting to the children

00:03:36.620 | and make them baffled about how to form

00:03:39.700 | important moral convictions.

00:03:41.420 | And not only will it be morally damaging,

00:03:46.180 | I think to the children at that very point,

00:03:51.180 | it will be deeply aggravating between the two of you.

00:03:54.420 | I know from experience how differences between me and Noelle

00:03:58.620 | were magnified tenfold when it came to how we would

00:04:03.380 | influence the kids with those differences.

00:04:05.900 | Your way or my way.

00:04:09.260 | And we never had any disagreements coming close to this one.

00:04:13.100 | So that's number one, the kids.

00:04:14.940 | Number two, if you disagree on something so visceral,

00:04:19.940 | so explosive, so rooted in Christian history

00:04:23.460 | and in scripture, it is virtually certain

00:04:27.800 | you will have other serious clashes.

00:04:31.140 | It is almost impossible to imagine that such a disagreement

00:04:35.740 | could exist in isolation from others.

00:04:39.860 | If they haven't come out yet, they will.

00:04:43.680 | You may feel like you can stash this difference in a silo

00:04:48.680 | and segregate it from your daily interactions.

00:04:52.660 | I think that's incredibly naive.

00:04:56.420 | It won't stay in a silo.

00:04:59.000 | And even if it did, it will prove symptomatic

00:05:03.060 | of other deep differences that will eventually come out.

00:05:06.620 | Number three, the reason for this inability

00:05:11.220 | to silo this difference, the reason is that convictions

00:05:16.220 | like this, one way or the other, don't float

00:05:21.040 | in your mind like clouds.

00:05:23.320 | They have roots.

00:05:25.880 | They come from somewhere.

00:05:28.160 | These roots include deep spiritual

00:05:31.060 | and moral instincts and inclinations.

00:05:35.360 | And the fact that she can affirm homosexual activity

00:05:39.380 | and you can't signal deep, deep differences

00:05:44.380 | in what your most basic moral spiritual instincts are.

00:05:50.440 | The spiritual roots of her and your convictions

00:05:55.280 | are very different.

00:05:57.920 | And roots do not just bear one branch.

00:06:01.520 | They bear all kinds of branches and fruit.

00:06:04.060 | When the roots of spiritual instincts

00:06:07.720 | and inclinations are different,

00:06:10.020 | there is no predicting what the fruit differences might be.

00:06:15.020 | Number four, close to the most important issue

00:06:20.140 | is biblical authority and clarity in your lives.

00:06:25.060 | She may or may not give assent

00:06:28.460 | to the infallibility of scripture.

00:06:31.880 | And she may say that it has final authority

00:06:35.580 | in all her decisions and convictions,

00:06:38.640 | but all of that is for naught if there's a deep resistance

00:06:43.640 | to what the Bible teaches, so that she finds ways

00:06:47.660 | of making the Bible mean something

00:06:49.480 | that it just doesn't mean.

00:06:51.780 | Or simply ignoring the Bible and going with a vague sense

00:06:55.940 | of what love is.

00:06:57.340 | In other words, I cannot imagine that you

00:07:01.580 | and your girlfriend have the same deep, heartfelt conviction

00:07:06.580 | about the authority and preciousness of the Bible,

00:07:10.380 | and about its practical place in governing your thoughts

00:07:13.980 | and feelings and actions.

00:07:16.020 | That's a deal breaker if you love the word of God

00:07:19.720 | for what it really is, and submit to it

00:07:22.500 | as the guide of all of your life, when she doesn't.

00:07:26.660 | Finally, even more important than that authority

00:07:31.660 | of scripture is what this authority says, what it teaches.

00:07:38.500 | And what it teaches is not just

00:07:41.300 | that homosexual activity is wrong,

00:07:44.580 | but that it signals you're headed for eternal destruction.

00:07:48.500 | Here's 1 Corinthians 6, 9.

00:07:50.580 | Do you not know that the unrighteous

00:07:52.900 | will not inherit the kingdom of God?

00:07:55.500 | Do not be deceived.

00:07:57.420 | Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters,

00:08:02.380 | nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,

00:08:07.280 | nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards,

00:08:12.000 | nor revilers, nor swindlers,

00:08:15.180 | will inherit the kingdom of God.

00:08:17.580 | What this means is that your girlfriend is wrong,

00:08:21.020 | not just about the rightness of an act,

00:08:24.980 | but about whether the pattern of those acts

00:08:27.940 | forms the path that leads to hell.

00:08:30.780 | Paul says that the gospel is given

00:08:34.060 | so that people can escape that path of destruction.

00:08:38.220 | The next verse says, "Such were some of you."

00:08:41.420 | In other words, you were active participants

00:08:43.700 | in a life of homosexuality, but you're not anymore.

00:08:46.860 | Such were some of you, but you were washed,

00:08:49.980 | you were sanctified, you were justified

00:08:52.260 | in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ

00:08:54.280 | and by the Spirit of our God.

00:08:56.460 | But to approve of the very pattern of life

00:09:01.220 | that the gospel is designed to save you from

00:09:05.340 | is to oppose the gospel and promote destruction.

00:09:10.340 | I don't see how you can believe this

00:09:15.500 | and move forward with the deepest

00:09:18.500 | and most precious union of souls and bodies

00:09:21.940 | that exist on the planet among human beings.

00:09:25.460 | It's a deal breaker.

00:09:26.740 | - Indeed, thank you, Pastor John.

00:09:30.300 | Speaking of God's will and finding it,

00:09:32.700 | if the disciples flipped a coin to hear God's will,

00:09:36.100 | can we do the same thing when we are faced

00:09:38.260 | with a big life decision?

00:09:39.740 | That's the question over casting lots.

00:09:42.260 | It's a good one, and it's up next on Wednesday

00:09:44.220 | when we return to listen to our over 1,300 past episodes.

00:09:48.100 | Now today, go to our online home

00:09:49.760 | at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.

00:09:54.220 | I'm your host Tony Reinhke.

00:09:55.180 | We'll see you back here on Wednesday.

00:09:57.020 | (upbeat music)

00:09:59.600 | (upbeat music)

00:10:02.180 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

My Girlfriend Affirms Homosexual Love — Is This a Deal-Breaker?

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