To a Spouse Considering Divorce
00:00:00.000 | [Music]
00:00:06.000 | Pastor John, what hope would you offer to a listener right now who is a stressed wife
00:00:11.240 | or a stressed husband, who is disappointed in their spouse, they are frustrated with
00:00:16.000 | their marriage, and they're now considering a divorce as a way of escape out of the frustrations?
00:00:23.000 | Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is that more pain is experienced in marriage
00:00:30.320 | and parenting than anywhere else in the world.
00:00:36.880 | This is the cost of covenant making and covenant keeping love.
00:00:42.920 | It cost Jesus his life to be in that kind of relationship.
00:00:49.600 | So I'm not making light ever of the kind of pain that can be sustained in a parenting
00:00:58.080 | or a marriage relationship.
00:01:00.320 | And the first thing I'd say is that the path to hope is not the path of divorce.
00:01:10.200 | God can rescue sinners from the disaster of a divorce, but he warns, "Let us not sin that
00:01:21.600 | grace may abound."
00:01:23.040 | Planned sin is not accompanied by any promises of hope.
00:01:29.080 | Jesus said, Mark 10, 9, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."
00:01:39.120 | And the deepest reason for that prohibition of breaking a marriage is that marriage was
00:01:46.600 | created by God from the beginning as a picture or an expression of the covenant-keeping love
00:01:54.800 | of Christ and his church, Ephesians 5:22 following.
00:02:00.760 | So my word of hope begins with a plea.
00:02:06.240 | I've given it countless times to women and men.
00:02:09.600 | Put divorce out of your mind as a remedy.
00:02:14.480 | Don't consider it.
00:02:16.000 | Say to yourself in the truth of Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit, this is not
00:02:22.560 | an option.
00:02:23.560 | I'm not going to pursue this.
00:02:25.520 | It may be forced upon me, but I'm not going to pursue it.
00:02:31.640 | Don't want it.
00:02:32.960 | Pray and work in the other direction.
00:02:36.640 | You might have sinned your way into this marriage.
00:02:40.320 | Lots of people say, "Well, I just blew it at the front end.
00:02:43.880 | I made all kinds of stupid judgments about this man.
00:02:47.800 | I wasn't acting in a mature, biblical way."
00:02:50.360 | And that's true.
00:02:51.640 | You may have sinned your way into this relationship, but now that you're married, this man, this
00:02:58.320 | man is God's man for you.
00:03:02.840 | That is an amazing truth.
00:03:04.840 | He is God's choice for you.
00:03:07.240 | Yes, he is, no matter how you may wish that you could do it all over again.
00:03:13.320 | So I would say, look to Jesus as the one who satisfies in measure now and immeasurably
00:03:21.640 | later.
00:03:23.480 | Believe that the path of lost dreams in this life is the path of greatest joy overall.
00:03:33.360 | Know this, maximizing your earthly happiness is not the goal of life or marriage.
00:03:44.440 | Maximizing your eternal happiness is, because God said, this is really crucial, I think,
00:03:50.560 | for marriage, Romans 5, verse 3 following, "Rejoice in tribulation, because tribulation
00:04:00.960 | works patience, and patience works approvedness, and approvedness works hope, and this hope
00:04:06.680 | does not disappoint."
00:04:09.000 | In other words, marriage may disappoint with a thousand tribulations, but hope-filled obedience
00:04:16.960 | to God will never, never disappoint us.
00:04:21.400 | God says so.
00:04:22.680 | Hope does not disappoint.
00:04:25.320 | But escaping tribulation, the tribulation that obedience calls for, escaping tribulation,
00:04:32.920 | that is not hope-promised, hope-filled.
00:04:37.200 | It's not the path to greatest hope or greatest joy.
00:04:40.720 | It is good and it is right to want things to change now.
00:04:46.040 | Oh yes, we all do, don't we?
00:04:48.240 | We want things about our spouses and ourselves to change now.
00:04:53.880 | And I think that's why Peter wrote 1 Peter 3, 1-7 for wives in particular, because these
00:04:59.000 | words are meant to help a woman know how to think about changing her husband, in this
00:05:04.360 | case an unbelieving husband.
00:05:07.960 | And she should pray earnestly for him and for the whole situation.
00:05:13.520 | That's why those verses are there.
00:05:14.760 | I would recommend that she pray over them long and hard, but don't stake your greatest
00:05:23.160 | happiness on his change.
00:05:26.280 | If you do that, you'll probably become demanding and nagging and angry, all of which will be
00:05:32.600 | self-defeating.
00:05:33.600 | So, focus your main heart energies not on fixing his failures, but on deepening your
00:05:43.840 | own godly responses to those failures.
00:05:49.280 | That's what God expects from you.
00:05:51.000 | God does not hold you accountable for your husband's sins, but he does hold you accountable
00:05:59.920 | for the godliness of your responses to those sins.
00:06:05.240 | There will be a thousand acts of grace that your husband will not reward or perhaps not
00:06:13.600 | even notice, and you will feel so alone in your sorrow.
00:06:19.920 | But hold fast to this truth.
00:06:22.800 | God sees in secret.
00:06:25.320 | That's Matthew 6, 3 and 4.
00:06:27.880 | God sees every tiny expression of your patience and mercy and respect.
00:06:34.080 | He sees them all, and he writes them down.
00:06:37.520 | Your quiet sorrows are never wasted.
00:06:43.040 | You will be repaid at the last day, and perhaps, perhaps in this life, more than you could
00:06:50.680 | ever imagine.
00:06:52.840 | In the decades that have gone by, God might work a miracle in that man, and you might
00:06:58.400 | end in a way that you never dreamed.
00:07:00.280 | Let me close with one illustration.
00:07:01.880 | A woman came to me one Sunday, about 30 years into my ministry.
00:07:07.840 | I remember it so clearly.
00:07:09.000 | It was at our South Campus, and she reminded me that when she was about to leave her husband
00:07:15.240 | 20 years ago, she came to me, and I pleaded with her, "Don't do it."
00:07:21.280 | And she gave me all the reasons why he was just totally unresponsive, unaffectionate,
00:07:26.440 | traveled all the time, didn't pay any attention, didn't care for the kids, every reason that
00:07:30.480 | he was just not there.
00:07:32.720 | And she told me now, at this point, 20 years after that, having stayed in the marriage,
00:07:38.900 | she said, "He's building a room on our house for my mother to stay with us in her final
00:07:47.360 | years, which is the most wonderful, sacrificial act of love he could possibly have done for
00:07:55.160 | me."
00:07:56.280 | He had become a kind and thoughtful and very different man, and she just thanked me and
00:08:03.540 | said, "That's what I'd be missing today."
00:08:07.400 | That's a wonderful testimony to end on.
00:08:09.120 | Thank you, Pastor John.
00:08:10.120 | And it's worth mentioning another episode where Pastor John addresses divorce, which
00:08:13.560 | is episode number 165.
00:08:15.880 | It's titled, "Is My Husband's Porn a Marriage Deal Breaker?"
00:08:20.040 | Also one of our most popular episodes on marriage is episode number 144 of this podcast.
00:08:24.560 | It's titled, "What Advice Would You Give Newly Married John Piper?"
00:08:28.800 | These episodes can be found in the Ask Pastor John app for the iPhone and the Android.
00:08:32.160 | Well, we are Christian hedonists.
00:08:34.320 | We believe that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.
00:08:37.660 | But do Christian hedonists confuse joy and faith?
00:08:41.520 | I'll ask Pastor John that very question tomorrow.
00:08:44.200 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.
00:08:45.200 | Thanks for listening.
00:08:45.700 | [END]
00:08:46.200 | 1.
00:08:47.200 | What Advice Would You Give Newly Married John Piper?
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00:08:48.200 | What Advice Would You Give Newly Married John Piper?
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00:08:49.200 | What Advice Would You Give Newly Married John Piper?
00:08:49.200 | 4.
00:08:50.200 | What Advice Would You Give Newly Married John Piper?
00:08:50.200 | 5.
00:08:51.200 | What Advice Would You Give Newly Married John Piper?
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