Becoming An Adult With A Deep Life Structure | Deep Questions With Cal Newport

00:00:00.000 | All right, one last question, family and friend related, comes from Evend, who says, "How

00:00:07.840 | do you explain a shift to the deep life to friends and family?

00:00:12.640 | I am a law student from Norway, and your books and ideas have really helped me in answering

00:00:16.720 | some big questions regarding my life and career.

00:00:19.340 | My friends and family don't really seem to understand my shift in focus.

00:00:24.000 | I live with my three best friends, and they still enjoy the reckless responsibility-free

00:00:29.360 | lifestyle the early 20s are renowned for.

00:00:31.160 | I did too, but now me and my friends' ambitions don't align anymore.

00:00:35.240 | They plan a lot of activities during the day, which is when I want to work.

00:00:39.200 | I still hang out with them almost every evening, but when I now say no to their daytime activities

00:00:43.160 | or want to go read a book in the evening, they bug me about working too much, and I

00:00:47.240 | feel bad.

00:00:49.240 | Also my father expects me to just kind of hang out in the living room when I am home

00:00:53.760 | for Christmas and gets annoyed when I want to go for a walk on my own, reflect, or go

00:00:57.420 | to my room and create a small video for a couple of hours.

00:01:00.800 | As you've explained, the deep life is radical and demands that you are comfortable with

00:01:03.640 | missing out on other things.

00:01:04.640 | However, I'm finding it hard to steer my life in a different direction than my friends and

00:01:08.000 | family and to miss out on some of their experiences.

00:01:11.800 | Well I think you're going through a well-known developmental phrase right now, and I believe

00:01:20.400 | the Latin description of this developmental phrase is "you're growing the hell up."

00:01:27.620 | That's all that's happening here with your friends.

00:01:29.840 | You're growing up.

00:01:31.640 | They're still in that student mode.

00:01:34.260 | You are transitioning to more of an adult mode, where your identity is now largely separated

00:01:42.060 | from a group dynamic and is much more individuated.

00:01:46.580 | You have autonomy over your time as well as responsibility.

00:01:49.820 | Now it's kind of up to me to take care of myself and make money and pay the bills with

00:01:55.180 | responsibility, but you also have autonomy.

00:01:57.660 | Socializing becomes more something that is compartmentalized.

00:02:00.460 | I want to spend time with you.

00:02:01.540 | Let's make a time to do this.

00:02:02.620 | We're going to work out together.

00:02:04.100 | We're going to go to a movie together, but it becomes a much more scheduled, less of

00:02:08.700 | this sort of background ongoing hum that you would see in a group dynamic.

00:02:13.580 | You're becoming an adult.

00:02:15.740 | This happens at different times for different people.

00:02:18.660 | Just watch any Judd Apatow movie from 15 years ago and you will see for some people it comes

00:02:22.940 | kind of late.

00:02:23.940 | Other people, they get there earlier.

00:02:27.820 | You basically are the knocked up character after Katherine Heigl has the baby, not before.

00:02:32.840 | That's sort of what's happening here.

00:02:33.840 | And I think it's good.

00:02:34.840 | Everyone goes through this.

00:02:35.840 | You're just starting to go through it now.

00:02:36.840 | You got to focus on work, get a job with opportunities, be so good they can't ignore you, build rare

00:02:43.980 | and valuable skills, build up a little bit more income, have your own place, some more

00:02:49.620 | responsibility, gain some more sense of efficacy.

00:02:52.140 | This is the standard stuff of growing up in your twenties.

00:02:54.660 | Your relationship with your friends are going to change.

00:02:57.100 | Some of those friends are going to go away as you find more adult friends.

00:02:59.740 | Some of those friends will grow up and will remain your friends.

00:03:01.540 | That's just all natural.

00:03:03.580 | Your relationship with your family is going to change as you become more of an adult.

00:03:07.820 | It's not a father son relationship.

00:03:09.900 | It becomes more of a peer relationship.

00:03:11.260 | And then you realize, you know, if I'm home for a few days for Christmas, you know, I'm

00:03:15.140 | here to be around him and socialize with my family.

00:03:19.020 | I can do my deep work structured reflection on my own time.

00:03:26.260 | And maybe I cut my trip a little bit shorter, but what if I'm there, maybe I want to be

00:03:29.260 | there for, what does this guy need?

00:03:30.540 | Right now, suddenly it's a different relationship.

00:03:32.180 | You're interacting with peers.

00:03:33.180 | You're actually thinking, what does this person need from me?

00:03:35.580 | It's more maturity.

00:03:36.580 | Anyways, it's all great.

00:03:38.140 | I love being an adult.

00:03:39.980 | I was an adult early.

00:03:41.540 | I was impatient.

00:03:42.540 | I was about halfway through college where I was ready to be on my own and doing this

00:03:45.780 | type of thing.

00:03:46.780 | So it's good what you're going through.

00:03:49.140 | Live on your own, start building your own way in the world.

00:03:52.260 | Let the ideas of the deep life structure this pursuit from day one.

00:03:55.780 | That will keep you on the right track.

00:03:57.140 | But as you move farther down this track with structure to your forward momentum, life is

00:04:01.420 | going to get deeper and more interesting.

00:04:02.820 | So you're just starting event and it's going to get deeper and deeper.

00:04:07.700 | And yeah, it's painful at first.

00:04:09.060 | Your friends aren't there.

00:04:10.060 | They'll get there, but you're going to hell up.

00:04:11.060 | And I think that's a good thing.

00:04:11.180 | going to hell up.

00:04:12.180 | And I think that's a good thing.

00:04:12.180 | going to hell up.

00:04:13.180 | And I think that's a good thing.

00:04:13.180 | (upbeat music)

00:04:15.760 | ♪ ♪

Becoming An Adult With A Deep Life Structure | Deep Questions With Cal Newport

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