Should My Spouse Talk to Others About Our Marriage Struggles?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - Brian writes in to ask this,

00:00:06.960 | Pastor John, I logged into my wife's Facebook account

00:00:09.600 | yesterday as I sometimes do in order to keep up

00:00:11.980 | with family and friends.

00:00:13.480 | I don't really use Facebook, I don't post.

00:00:15.920 | My wife was at home and also logged on

00:00:18.240 | and she was having a private chat with her best friend.

00:00:20.960 | The message feature pops up automatically

00:00:22.760 | in your show and the conversation, so I saw it.

00:00:25.240 | And they were talking about me.

00:00:27.000 | They were not speaking kindly at all.

00:00:29.240 | In fact, they were discussing my faults among comments

00:00:31.760 | about my personal struggles with depression.

00:00:34.560 | My wife messaged a few extremely private topics

00:00:37.380 | to this friend.

00:00:38.220 | I was heartbroken.

00:00:39.560 | How would you advise spouses on what they should

00:00:41.840 | and should not share with friends or family?

00:00:45.320 | - Here are five or six ideas or guidelines

00:00:49.320 | that have helped me.

00:00:50.440 | Noel and I have faced this and I've blown it a few times

00:00:53.480 | and I'll mention one of those to give you hope at the end.

00:00:59.220 | These ideas or guidelines are based on the assumption

00:01:04.220 | that the struggles a husband and wife have

00:01:08.940 | are normal hardships of getting along

00:01:12.440 | when expectations are different

00:01:14.200 | and there are more or less frequent disappointments in life.

00:01:17.960 | I'm not talking about illegal behaviors

00:01:22.300 | or life-threatening situations.

00:01:24.900 | So I just wanted to clear that from the beginning.

00:01:27.740 | So here's idea number one or principle number one.

00:01:30.820 | I think we should follow Matthew 18, 15,

00:01:34.340 | which says, "If you find your brother or sister

00:01:36.620 | sinning against you, taking the fall,

00:01:39.260 | you go to them first."

00:01:40.600 | In other words, there's a real effort not to gossip,

00:01:44.380 | the real effort not to tell anybody else

00:01:47.100 | what you've just seen or found in a person

00:01:49.260 | and how much more spouses, right?

00:01:51.180 | So I'm assuming that there have been serious efforts

00:01:55.540 | on the part of a husband or a wife

00:01:58.160 | to deal together privately with what their struggles are

00:02:01.920 | before these other principles kick into play.

00:02:06.860 | Number two, the words of Jesus that we do unto others,

00:02:11.520 | what we would have them do unto us

00:02:13.580 | is profoundly significant in marriage.

00:02:16.420 | And I feel warranted to say that and to apply that

00:02:20.300 | because of the way Paul, amazingly, in Ephesians 5,

00:02:24.520 | takes that command, do unto others,

00:02:26.940 | he would have them do unto you,

00:02:28.540 | and he applies it to a husband's love for his wife.

00:02:32.620 | He says, "In the same way,

00:02:34.700 | husbands should love their wives as their own bodies."

00:02:39.340 | It's like love your neighbor as yourself,

00:02:41.020 | applied to husband, "As your own bodies.

00:02:43.740 | He who loves his wife loves himself."

00:02:46.240 | So Paul draws out the implication,

00:02:49.660 | not only that we should measure our words and our actions

00:02:53.520 | by whether we would want our wives or husbands

00:02:56.940 | to treat us that way,

00:02:58.500 | but also that when we treat each other that way,

00:03:02.740 | we're really blessing ourselves.

00:03:04.780 | We're doing something really good for ourselves

00:03:07.340 | not to betray each other's trust.

00:03:11.860 | So the golden rule becomes hugely significant

00:03:16.100 | in whether that woman on Facebook

00:03:19.020 | is doing something she would want her husband

00:03:21.580 | to do with his friends about her.

00:03:23.680 | And if she doesn't want him to do that,

00:03:25.840 | she should shut her Facebook.

00:03:29.320 | Number three, the third goes like this.

00:03:32.160 | Wives should think long and hard

00:03:35.360 | about whether what they are saying to their husbands

00:03:39.260 | and about their husbands in public or in private

00:03:42.560 | is honoring or respecting their husbands

00:03:45.600 | because of Ephesians 5:33.

00:03:48.760 | "Let each one of you love his wife

00:03:50.960 | and let the wife," actually it says,

00:03:53.700 | "love his wife as himself,

00:03:56.060 | and let the wife see that she respects her husband,"

00:04:00.620 | reveres him.

00:04:02.600 | Is this behavior, are these words spoken this way

00:04:06.760 | in this time, in this place, a respectful behavior?

00:04:10.140 | Similarly, the husbands should think long and hard

00:04:14.400 | whether what they're saying about their wives

00:04:17.000 | in private or in public

00:04:19.540 | honors them as a fellow heir of the grace of life,

00:04:23.560 | the way Peter talks in 1 Peter 1, 7.

00:04:26.520 | So that's the third, the principle of respect

00:04:29.480 | and reverence and honor.

00:04:32.360 | And the fourth one is that we should seek permission

00:04:37.360 | from our spouses to share the problems of our marriage

00:04:41.960 | with one or two very trusted couples or friends

00:04:47.520 | that both of us agree on.

00:04:49.980 | This is so important.

00:04:51.340 | This was so important, is so important for Noel and me.

00:04:55.480 | We've walked through this numerous times,

00:04:57.520 | talked it through numerous times,

00:04:59.960 | namely to agree on one couple or one guy or two

00:05:04.960 | that I ask her, "May I share with David and John,

00:05:10.740 | may I share with them what we talk about?

00:05:15.180 | May I share with them what is so frustrating?

00:05:17.460 | May I basically share with them anything

00:05:20.940 | in our relationship that I think would be,

00:05:23.820 | would enable them to help me love you better?"

00:05:26.340 | Which is so different than gossip and venting.

00:05:29.500 | So we do that.

00:05:30.980 | Noel can say whatever she wants to X

00:05:34.380 | and I can say whatever I want to Y,

00:05:36.960 | and we have entrusted each other to those friends.

00:05:40.980 | It's a huge thing.

00:05:42.420 | You don't do that unless you've got some very close friends.

00:05:47.340 | So I can speak freely, she can speak freely

00:05:50.060 | 'cause we've agreed.

00:05:51.140 | And I would frankly encourage all couples

00:05:54.940 | to have those kinds of friends.

00:05:56.460 | Do you have friends like that,

00:05:58.780 | that you could actually entrust your personal lives to,

00:06:03.260 | to know that it will not go beyond them

00:06:05.400 | and it will not come back and be used against you?

00:06:10.140 | So get permission.

00:06:12.680 | I blew that.

00:06:13.660 | I really blew that one time.

00:06:15.780 | I can remember so clearly mentioning something

00:06:18.740 | in public at church and Noel was so angry with me

00:06:21.420 | when I got home because I hadn't talked to her about it.

00:06:24.220 | And I was, she was so right about that.

00:06:26.560 | And we got that, we got that healed,

00:06:29.000 | but I wanted you to be encouraged.

00:06:32.300 | There is one more.

00:06:33.660 | I would say finally that even if you have permission

00:06:38.620 | to share specific family issues,

00:06:41.540 | you should do it with the greatest of care.

00:06:45.620 | Things easily degenerate

00:06:47.700 | into simply venting our frustrations.

00:06:50.980 | And a wise friend will call us out on that.

00:06:55.100 | They'll just call us out.

00:06:56.500 | No, you're not speaking in an edifying way here.

00:06:59.320 | You're not seeking help out of love here.

00:07:00.900 | You just are dumping and this is not helpful.

00:07:04.940 | You need to love her better than this

00:07:06.380 | or love him better than this

00:07:08.100 | and turn towards something more edifying.

00:07:11.580 | We should ask whether we are,

00:07:15.900 | ask ourselves whether we are sharing

00:07:18.180 | the right amount of detail or is it too much?

00:07:22.180 | It could get very unseemly.

00:07:25.520 | Whether we are sharing it in the right tone,

00:07:28.620 | whether we're using the right medium.

00:07:30.700 | Like I doubt that Facebook is ever the right medium.

00:07:33.780 | Good grief.

00:07:34.700 | Any kind of media that would run the risk

00:07:38.360 | of someone else listening in on what is meant

00:07:41.920 | for one person, we would avoid that at all costs.

00:07:46.700 | So I have a lot of sympathy for this concern.

00:07:50.160 | All of those, it seems to me, should be taken into account.

00:07:52.640 | Even when we're talking with somebody

00:07:54.340 | we've both agreed on, we can trust.

00:07:57.640 | And of course, I'm assuming that all of this

00:08:00.360 | will be in the context of praying for and with our spouse

00:08:05.120 | and reading Scripture with our spouse

00:08:08.640 | so that we seek help from God who alone can keep us married

00:08:12.880 | and bring this relationship

00:08:15.180 | to a God-honoring, satisfying situation.

00:08:18.320 | And some of these things I've had to learn

00:08:20.840 | in a very hard way, as I said.

00:08:22.600 | And I just want to close on the note of hope

00:08:25.240 | that if some breach of trust has happened,

00:08:30.240 | there is a way forward.

00:08:33.480 | There can be repentance and forgiveness.

00:08:36.040 | I know that from personal experience.

00:08:38.000 | Noel and I are in a really good place after 46 years,

00:08:41.080 | and we've really blown it more than once.

00:08:44.880 | That is hope-giving for all of us married couples.

00:08:47.120 | Thank you, Pastor John,

00:08:48.120 | and thank you for your openness here today.

00:08:50.320 | We are closing in on the weekend,

00:08:52.960 | and we're closing in on 700 episodes

00:08:55.200 | in the Ask Pastor John podcast archive

00:08:57.000 | now at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.

00:09:01.600 | There you can listen to our most popular episodes,

00:09:03.680 | and you can search all the episodes we have.

00:09:06.360 | You can also send in a question.

00:09:07.840 | You can download the apps for the Apple and Android devices,

00:09:11.000 | and you can subscribe to the podcast feed.

00:09:12.920 | You can do all of that from our landing page.

00:09:15.720 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:09:16.600 | John Piper and I return on Monday

00:09:18.320 | to talk about whether or not Christians need to learn

00:09:20.800 | to forgive ourselves.

00:09:22.400 | We'll see you then.

00:09:23.600 | (upbeat music)

00:09:26.200 | (upbeat music)

00:09:28.800 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Should My Spouse Talk to Others About Our Marriage Struggles?

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