I Caught My Husband Checking Out Another Woman
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | - A podcast listener named Laura writes in to ask this.
00:00:09.080 | Dear Pastor John, my husband and I were out shopping
00:00:11.880 | and I saw him check out this very nice looking woman
00:00:14.900 | who was rather scantily dressed.
00:00:16.980 | We are seniors and I thank God for the way
00:00:18.820 | that I look at 70, even though I'm more concerned
00:00:21.060 | about how much I resemble my savior and Lord.
00:00:24.160 | We walked out of the store and he practically ran
00:00:26.300 | with a cart to get a better look at this much younger woman.
00:00:29.340 | It broke my heart because I have no interest
00:00:32.020 | in anyone but him.
00:00:33.680 | My question is how do I deal with this?
00:00:35.940 | I know in my heart he committed adultery
00:00:38.020 | according to God's word.
00:00:39.540 | Is this typical of older men?
00:00:41.600 | Will it get worse?
00:00:42.900 | Will he lose his desire for me?
00:00:45.100 | Is it just him or is it me?
00:00:47.860 | So Pastor John, what would you say to Laura
00:00:49.500 | or to any wife who feels like she is competing
00:00:51.580 | with other women for her husband's attention?
00:00:54.340 | - Well, Tony, I've got to say something to the man first.
00:00:57.620 | I know you and she are asking for me to counsel her
00:01:02.620 | and I will in just a minute, but I've got to address
00:01:06.100 | this man just in case he or other men.
00:01:08.900 | I'm 68, I know what she's talking about.
00:01:11.620 | And so let me say something to him.
00:01:14.660 | And here in brief is what I'm gonna say to him.
00:01:16.660 | Put the desire for the flesh of another woman
00:01:20.620 | in sight or in hand.
00:01:22.300 | Isn't it interesting that Jesus said,
00:01:24.500 | "If your eye calls you to sin
00:01:25.980 | "or if your hand calls you to sin,
00:01:28.300 | "gouge it out, cut it off."
00:01:29.860 | Whether it's sight or hand,
00:01:32.300 | like a man in a nursing home that reaches out
00:01:34.540 | and pets a behind of a nurse.
00:01:36.580 | I mean, I'm talking, yes, this sort of thing happens.
00:01:39.900 | Put that to death, man, by the spirit
00:01:45.700 | as soon as it raises its head.
00:01:47.580 | Tear your eye out, renounce the lure and turn away.
00:01:52.220 | Don't dignify the bait of the flesh by biting on it.
00:01:57.220 | It's all shiny like a fishing lure,
00:02:00.860 | but it's got hooks in it and they will make you look stupid
00:02:05.460 | when they pull your jaw apart.
00:02:07.940 | So let me, another word to the husband.
00:02:10.100 | You are old enough, fella, to know that there are deeper,
00:02:14.900 | wider, longer, greater pleasures in life
00:02:18.700 | than the titillation of skin.
00:02:20.340 | Come on, this is adolescent of you.
00:02:23.340 | It is mere animal.
00:02:25.020 | A 70-year-old man acting like a dog in heat
00:02:28.740 | is not only silly, it's tragic.
00:02:31.380 | It's a tragic witness to 70 wasted years
00:02:35.060 | for getting a wise heart.
00:02:37.180 | One last word to Mr. Man.
00:02:39.260 | One aspect of that wisdom, old sage,
00:02:43.420 | is the value of your wife.
00:02:46.620 | The 70-something sage says, okay, this is the sage,
00:02:51.420 | the real man who's learned 70 years worth of wisdom.
00:02:54.500 | He says, "This is my woman.
00:02:57.340 | "Saggy, blotchy skin, gray hair, wrinkled face,
00:03:02.340 | "decreased or absent libido.
00:03:06.060 | "This is my woman, my treasure, my jewel,
00:03:11.060 | "my gift from heaven, my covenant one,
00:03:14.580 | "my intimate flesh, my own body, myself.
00:03:19.180 | "To be faithful to her with my eyes and my hands
00:03:23.060 | "is a satisfaction deeper and higher and sweeter
00:03:27.020 | "than any glimpse or any touch
00:03:29.280 | "of any other woman in the world."
00:03:32.580 | That's what the 70-something sage says.
00:03:36.940 | Okay, now, Laura, you asked about your own heart,
00:03:40.940 | and here's my word to you.
00:03:42.420 | Number one, in a moment of solitude with your husband,
00:03:47.420 | I mean, nobody else around, when things are good,
00:03:51.560 | it is permissible and fitting to say with affection
00:03:55.820 | something like this.
00:03:57.460 | Can I share my heart with you about something?
00:04:00.300 | I could be wrong in how seriously to take it, honey,
00:04:03.980 | but it seemed to me that you tried pretty hard
00:04:08.220 | to look at a young woman this morning
00:04:10.440 | who was kind of scantily clad.
00:04:12.980 | I know that such a sight will always catch a man's eye.
00:04:18.500 | She knows it, too.
00:04:19.780 | That's her whole point.
00:04:21.980 | I don't blame you for that glance.
00:04:24.700 | You're a man.
00:04:26.020 | But I think it was Billy Graham who said,
00:04:28.460 | "It's the second look that's the trouble."
00:04:32.020 | And whether he's right about that or not,
00:04:34.380 | it made me feel bad.
00:04:37.460 | It made me feel less loved, less valued.
00:04:40.340 | I know you didn't mean that, probably.
00:04:43.240 | I love you.
00:04:44.360 | I don't want to feel like I'm losing your heart
00:04:47.880 | or even your eyes.
00:04:51.440 | And then you pray that God will take that conversation
00:04:54.560 | in a healing direction.
00:04:55.980 | So I just wanna give you permission to go ahead.
00:04:58.740 | That's not insubordination or inappropriate at all
00:05:02.700 | to go to him that way.
00:05:04.620 | Here's the second thing I'd say.
00:05:06.220 | No, it is not inevitable that older men
00:05:09.780 | need to pursue younger women with their eyes
00:05:12.560 | because their wives are aging.
00:05:14.300 | No.
00:05:15.400 | A man can mature and love his wife
00:05:18.780 | for all that she has been and is and will be,
00:05:23.060 | including delicious memories of young bodies
00:05:26.860 | and deep pleasures of present and seasoned faithfulness.
00:05:31.060 | If a man insists on being a playboy at age 70,
00:05:35.460 | he should realize that he indeed is playing the part
00:05:39.840 | of a boy and not a man, and he should be ashamed.
00:05:44.200 | And the third thing I would say, Laura,
00:05:46.500 | is don't dwell on this to the point of imagining things
00:05:50.320 | that may not be true of him.
00:05:52.040 | You may be wrong.
00:05:53.140 | The longer you brood over it,
00:05:55.340 | the more the devil will use it
00:05:56.920 | to sow seeds of distrust and anger.
00:06:00.580 | Speak to him, yes, and then pray for him
00:06:04.100 | and hand him over to God.
00:06:05.380 | God holds you accountable for your responses, not his sins.
00:06:10.380 | And fourth, find your deepest joy
00:06:14.700 | in God's presence and promises.
00:06:16.620 | He delights in the inner beauty of your faith
00:06:19.680 | and fearlessness and humility and quiet peacefulness.
00:06:24.580 | And God gives himself to you for your fellowship
00:06:27.900 | and your enjoyment.
00:06:29.100 | Fear not for I am with you.
00:06:30.760 | I will never leave you.
00:06:31.840 | I'll never forsake you.
00:06:33.220 | In my presence is fullness of joy.
00:06:35.460 | At my right hand are pleasures forevermore.
00:06:37.780 | And the last thing I would say is give your husband
00:06:41.220 | as much joy as you can every day,
00:06:43.420 | and know, as Paul writes in another context,
00:06:46.500 | but I think it applies, that in doing so,
00:06:49.540 | in serving your husband,
00:06:51.300 | you are serving your heavenly husband
00:06:53.660 | who is infinitely worthy,
00:06:55.620 | even when your earthly husband
00:06:57.380 | at any given moment may not be.
00:07:00.100 | - Thank you, Pastor John, and thank you, Laura,
00:07:01.700 | for reaching out and sending the email question into us.
00:07:04.500 | This podcast really benefits from well-articulated
00:07:07.300 | and honest questions like this one from Laura,
00:07:09.460 | so please keep emailing them into us
00:07:11.140 | at askpastorjohn@desiringgod.org.
00:07:13.980 | Due to the volume of emails,
00:07:15.140 | we simply cannot respond to each of them,
00:07:17.420 | but we do read them and we get them, so thank you.
00:07:20.260 | And I should note that if you request
00:07:21.980 | that your name remain anonymous,
00:07:23.520 | we always respect that request.
00:07:26.140 | Two other related episodes in this podcast series
00:07:28.700 | include episode number 149,
00:07:31.500 | My Husband Likes Movies with Nudity, But I Hate It,
00:07:34.820 | and also episode number 368,
00:07:36.780 | Should Christians Watch Game of Thrones?
00:07:40.000 | Well, we all know we should pray for things,
00:07:41.780 | but when should we stop praying for something?
00:07:45.020 | That's the question on the table tomorrow
00:07:46.580 | on the Ask Pastor John podcast.
00:07:48.180 | I'm your host, Tony Ranke.
00:07:49.020 | We'll see you then.
00:07:49.940 | (upbeat music)
00:07:52.520 | (upbeat music)
00:07:55.100 | [BLANK_AUDIO]