Make War on Your Urge to Sulk
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | - Make war on the urge to sulk when you don't get your way.
00:00:09.360 | This is such an important topic
00:00:11.400 | and I'm glad we can get to it today.
00:00:12.840 | Pastor John, thank you for joining us
00:00:15.600 | over the telephone today.
00:00:16.680 | The topic comes up in an email question
00:00:18.640 | from a podcast listener named Christopher
00:00:20.660 | in Seattle, Washington.
00:00:22.400 | Pastor John, thank you for this podcast.
00:00:24.120 | When I get angry in my home, I have a tendency to shut down.
00:00:28.800 | I don't lash out in anger or cuss, I sulk.
00:00:33.000 | I give my wife the silent treatment
00:00:35.440 | and I know this is wrong.
00:00:37.040 | Please help me better understand how to communicate
00:00:39.000 | in my home in or shortly after conflict flares up.
00:00:43.520 | I wanna lead well and reflect Christ more in my home.
00:00:47.000 | And as a leader of your home,
00:00:48.480 | what have you learned over the years?
00:00:51.240 | - Seven years ago, I took a leave of absence,
00:00:55.040 | specifically about eight months in fact,
00:00:58.600 | specifically to do a self-assessment of my own soul
00:01:03.600 | and my family and my ministry.
00:01:06.520 | I was still preaching and pastoring at the time.
00:01:09.360 | I came back from that leave having put my finger
00:01:14.000 | on five besetting sin of John Piper
00:01:19.000 | that I more or less count as corrupt,
00:01:23.920 | fallen personality traits,
00:01:27.620 | which means no excuse.
00:01:30.040 | They're just part of me.
00:01:32.280 | And I've seen them for decades
00:01:34.480 | and it was just good to get a name on them,
00:01:36.920 | isolate them, understand them, confess them.
00:01:39.940 | And here they are, selfishness, anger,
00:01:46.280 | self-pity, quickness to blame and sullenness.
00:01:51.760 | And I mentioned this because when Christopher said sulking
00:01:57.000 | was one of his problems,
00:01:59.680 | I think he means what I mean by sullenness.
00:02:03.780 | So perhaps the most helpful thing I can do
00:02:07.500 | is to walk Christopher through my process
00:02:11.800 | of self-understanding and how the Lord has helped me
00:02:16.800 | at least make some war on these protracted sins.
00:02:25.220 | So let me name them and just put a sentence
00:02:29.220 | of description on each one
00:02:31.260 | so that we just let the ugliness,
00:02:34.780 | it's so easy to describe our sins
00:02:36.780 | in a kind of self-excusing way,
00:02:38.340 | but if you name your sins and then define them,
00:02:41.880 | it starts to look pretty bad.
00:02:44.660 | So here's what I mean by the first one, selfishness.
00:02:49.020 | And I got five things that characterize my selfishness.
00:02:52.140 | My selfishness is a reflex to expect to be served.
00:02:57.140 | My selfishness is a reflex to feel that I am owed.
00:03:03.180 | My selfishness is a reflex to want praise.
00:03:09.300 | My selfishness is a reflex to expect things to go my way.
00:03:14.300 | And my selfishness is a reflex to feel that I have the right
00:03:21.380 | to react negatively to being crossed.
00:03:26.180 | And the reason I'm using the word reflex
00:03:29.660 | to describe selfishness is because
00:03:31.980 | there is zero premeditation.
00:03:34.820 | I don't have to decide to be selfish.
00:03:38.580 | When these responses happen,
00:03:40.100 | they're coming from my old nature, not from reflection.
00:03:45.100 | They are the marks of original sin in my life
00:03:50.380 | and I am guilty for them.
00:03:52.500 | Now, what happens when this selfishness is crossed?
00:03:56.780 | Here's where the other sins come in.
00:03:59.300 | Anger, the strong emotional opposition
00:04:03.940 | to the obstacle in my way.
00:04:07.300 | I tighten up, I wanna strike out verbally or physically.
00:04:11.760 | Next, self-pity, a desire that feels like I'm wounded
00:04:17.660 | and others can recognize in me that I want to be admired
00:04:22.660 | or pitied for my sense of being wounded,
00:04:26.900 | being mistreated by someone.
00:04:28.620 | I want others to know it and recognize it,
00:04:31.220 | feel sorry for me.
00:04:33.060 | Quickness to blame.
00:04:35.200 | This is a reflex to attribute to others
00:04:39.220 | the cause of the frustrating situation I'm in.
00:04:44.020 | Others can feel it in a tone of voice,
00:04:46.260 | a look on the face, a sideways query,
00:04:49.140 | an outright accusation.
00:04:51.500 | And then lastly, sullenness or sulking,
00:04:55.320 | the sinking discouragement, the moodiness,
00:04:57.980 | the hopelessness, the unresponsiveness,
00:05:00.220 | the withdrawn deadness of emotion.
00:05:03.800 | And of course, the effect on marriage
00:05:07.940 | is that my wife feels blamed and disapproved of
00:05:12.940 | rather than cherished and cared for.
00:05:15.820 | Tender emotions start to die, hope is depleted,
00:05:19.220 | strength to carry on in the hardships of ministry wanes.
00:05:24.220 | So that's my diagnosis.
00:05:26.620 | Now, when Charles Wesley taught us to sing,
00:05:30.500 | "He Breaks the Power of Cancelled Sin,"
00:05:34.100 | he was teaching the fundamental truth
00:05:38.900 | about how the cross of Christ
00:05:41.660 | relates to our battle with our own sin.
00:05:44.180 | The cross cancels sins by faith
00:05:49.180 | for all who believe in Jesus.
00:05:52.140 | And then on the basis of that cancellation of our sins,
00:05:57.140 | the power of our actual sinning is broken.
00:06:02.380 | It's not the other way around.
00:06:04.220 | There would be no gospel and no music
00:06:09.220 | if we tried to sing,
00:06:11.200 | "He cancels the guilt of our conquered sins."
00:06:15.400 | That's not gospel.
00:06:16.560 | First, the cancellation, then the conquering,
00:06:20.160 | which means that the link between the cross
00:06:24.080 | and my conquered sin is a Holy Spirit-empowered willing.
00:06:29.080 | It works a willing in me.
00:06:34.960 | Listen to these texts.
00:06:36.120 | Romans 7, 6, "We died to that which held us captive
00:06:40.480 | so that we might serve in the new way of the Spirit."
00:06:44.920 | So I serve by the Spirit because I died on the cross.
00:06:49.920 | Or Romans 8, 13, "By the Spirit,
00:06:54.000 | you put to death the deeds of the body."
00:06:57.280 | So I put to death by the Spirit.
00:06:59.720 | Or Galatians 2, 20, "I have been crucified with Christ.
00:07:04.720 | It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me,
00:07:07.600 | and the life which I now live in the flesh.
00:07:11.760 | I live by the faith of the Son of God."
00:07:14.280 | So I am living because I died and Christ is alive
00:07:18.920 | and a new I, which trusts Him, is alive.
00:07:21.520 | And the most important one is Philippians 2, 12, and 13.
00:07:26.520 | At least in my experience, it proved to be most important.
00:07:30.320 | "Beloved, as you've always obeyed,
00:07:32.600 | so not only in my presence, but much more in my absence,
00:07:36.500 | work out," or literally produce, bring about, effect,
00:07:40.840 | "your own salvation with fear and trembling,
00:07:42.920 | for God is the one who is at work in you
00:07:46.120 | to will and to work for His good pleasure."
00:07:48.920 | In every single case of these texts,
00:07:51.720 | especially that last one, I'm working, I'm expending effort,
00:07:56.560 | I'm willing, I'm serving, I'm putting sin to death.
00:08:00.280 | My will is engaged.
00:08:02.840 | But in every case, my will is empowered
00:08:05.920 | by the will of another.
00:08:08.400 | So let me close with an illustration
00:08:11.120 | of how this has been working over, say,
00:08:14.740 | the past seven, eight years of my life
00:08:17.440 | in a more effective way.
00:08:19.040 | And I really do feel that even today,
00:08:21.560 | seven years on from some of these key discoveries,
00:08:25.000 | God has given Noel and me fresh and new victories.
00:08:31.220 | It was a Sunday evening, this was years ago
00:08:33.340 | while I was still in the ministry,
00:08:34.420 | about, what, I don't know, seven, eight years ago,
00:08:37.620 | when I was making these discoveries
00:08:39.020 | and trying to apply these things in a fresh way.
00:08:41.660 | It was a Sunday evening, it was cozy, snowy outside.
00:08:45.340 | Noel and Talitha and I were at home alone,
00:08:47.880 | and I was looking forward to something we could do together.
00:08:51.300 | I had this expectation, and you know,
00:08:53.660 | discouragements and anger come from shattered expectations.
00:08:59.540 | Talitha comes in from the dining room and says,
00:09:02.620 | "Mommy and I are gonna watch 'Supernanny' on the computer."
00:09:06.280 | And they set it up on the stool,
00:09:09.300 | they sit in the love seat together,
00:09:10.860 | and they start watching it.
00:09:11.860 | They don't even say anything to me.
00:09:14.020 | They don't ask, they don't explain,
00:09:16.500 | they don't propose anything else or later,
00:09:19.420 | and I feel, poor little John Piper,
00:09:22.420 | I feel shut out, ignored.
00:09:26.020 | Now, at that moment, the old John Piper
00:09:29.620 | feels an enormous temptation to anger, self-pity,
00:09:33.940 | blaming, sullenness, and that temptation, I think,
00:09:38.620 | is as dangerous for me, as big for me,
00:09:40.660 | as some big sexual temptation.
00:09:43.380 | So I immediately said in my heart,
00:09:47.420 | because I had Philippians 2, 12 and 13 in my mind,
00:09:50.820 | that I'm supposed to work out my salvation here,
00:09:52.420 | I'm supposed to bring about victory over these sins,
00:09:56.380 | I immediately said, I said it, no,
00:09:59.540 | I said no to those rising temptations.
00:10:03.540 | And I quietly, in the power of that no,
00:10:07.220 | which I, by the Holy Spirit, said to those temptations,
00:10:10.860 | I said no, I went upstairs without any flair of woundedness,
00:10:15.700 | I didn't like, in a poor, wimpy, wounded way,
00:10:18.900 | make them try to feel bad,
00:10:20.580 | I just quietly went upstairs to my study,
00:10:22.940 | and that's not unusual, and I made war.
00:10:27.380 | I turned my mind and my heart,
00:10:31.180 | by the power of God in His Spirit,
00:10:33.980 | toward the promises of God, and the surety of the cross,
00:10:37.620 | and the love of my Father, and the wealth of my inheritance,
00:10:41.020 | and the blessing of that Lord's day,
00:10:43.380 | which He had poured out earlier that morning,
00:10:45.620 | and the patience of Christ,
00:10:47.220 | and the fact that my wife and daughter,
00:10:49.220 | in their own minds, were not snubbing me,
00:10:52.980 | and I held those truths before my eyes,
00:10:56.620 | and I beat down the anger, and self-pity,
00:11:00.220 | and blaming, and sullen, I beat it down,
00:11:02.620 | and beat it down, until it died.
00:11:07.260 | And later that night, I went downstairs,
00:11:10.340 | and I mentioned to Noel,
00:11:12.100 | in a way I never would have been able to before,
00:11:15.180 | without any, you know, subtle innuendo,
00:11:18.180 | I mentioned to Noel, in a non-condemning tone,
00:11:22.500 | which was a miracle, that I was surprised
00:11:26.580 | that we didn't do anything together,
00:11:28.580 | and we just quietly worked it out,
00:11:31.420 | and compared to the way things used to go,
00:11:33.780 | it was an amazing victory.
00:11:38.500 | And yes, yes, yes, it would be far better
00:11:41.860 | if there were no war in John Piper's soul at all,
00:11:47.860 | against such rising selfishness, and self-pity,
00:11:52.860 | and anger, and sulking, and sullenness.
00:11:57.020 | Yes, that would be better.
00:11:58.420 | It will be that way in heaven someday,
00:12:01.020 | but oh, how I thank God
00:12:05.100 | that He breaks the power of canceled sin,
00:12:09.700 | and He does it sometimes through our spirit-empowered battle
00:12:16.380 | with our own temptation in fear and trembling,
00:12:20.260 | because God Himself is at work in us.
00:12:23.460 | So that's what I pray for Christopher in his marriage,
00:12:27.060 | and his battle with sullenness.
00:12:29.500 | Christopher, I pray that you would reckon
00:12:32.500 | your sin canceled, and then you would carry it
00:12:36.260 | into a room somewhere, and you would hammer on it
00:12:38.780 | for an hour by the promises of God.
00:12:42.100 | - Amen, that's an incredibly helpful word, first of all.
00:12:44.540 | Pastor John, thank you for this sobering glimpse
00:12:46.820 | into the warfare that you make
00:12:48.980 | on your own daily struggles with sin.
00:12:50.740 | I appreciate your self-disclosure in the podcast.
00:12:53.820 | Thank you all for listening to the podcast.
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00:13:11.020 | podcast in your favorite podcast app.
00:13:14.020 | Well, how much joy can we really expect
00:13:15.820 | to experience in this life?
00:13:17.820 | It's one of those questions that Christian hedonists
00:13:19.980 | have to answer, and John Piper will
00:13:22.760 | when we return on Wednesday.
00:13:24.100 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.
00:13:24.980 | Thanks for listening to the podcast.
00:13:26.340 | We'll see you then.
00:13:27.240 | (upbeat music)
00:13:29.820 | (upbeat music)
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