Should I Date a Godly Girl I Do Not Find Attractive?
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | - Welcome back to the Ask Pastor John podcast.
00:00:08.080 | Today we finish up our 2015 conference
00:00:10.540 | for pastors here in Minneapolis.
00:00:12.940 | The conference festivities this morning
00:00:14.640 | will be streamed online and you can go to
00:00:16.640 | DesiringGod.org/live for the schedule of events
00:00:20.800 | and to find the video stream.
00:00:24.620 | On the podcast today we're joined again by a man
00:00:26.920 | who once ventured into a Minneapolis winter
00:00:29.660 | for one of our pastors conference
00:00:31.200 | and who vowed to never do it again, Matt Chandler,
00:00:34.200 | the lead pastor at the Village Church.
00:00:35.960 | He joins us by phone from the warmth of Dallas.
00:00:38.500 | Matt is the author of the new book,
00:00:40.200 | "The Mingling of Souls,
00:00:41.840 | God's Design for Love, Marriage, Sex, and Redemption."
00:00:45.000 | And we're working through 10 questions on relationships
00:00:47.360 | and we're moving on to question number five, Matt.
00:00:49.800 | This is a very common question from single men that we get.
00:00:53.600 | If I'm not physically attracted to a godly woman,
00:00:56.920 | should I still try to romantically pursue her
00:00:59.640 | in order to cultivate those feelings?
00:01:02.120 | If so, for how long until it becomes unwise or even hurtful?
00:01:07.120 | - Yeah, I don't encourage a young man
00:01:12.600 | to pursue a godly woman romantically
00:01:16.840 | that he doesn't feel he's physically attracted to at the time
00:01:21.840 | but what I do adamantly encourage young single men to do
00:01:26.780 | is to pursue godly women for friendships
00:01:31.380 | in the hopes that it does grow into more.
00:01:34.500 | And so there are, in fact, I did a wedding this past year
00:01:37.740 | of one of the guys that kind of spent time at my house
00:01:40.860 | and had been around Lauren and I a ton
00:01:43.900 | and just really saw this young woman at our church
00:01:47.620 | that they were so faithful to serve the Lord
00:01:50.020 | and such a godly woman,
00:01:51.540 | but just that physical piece wasn't there,
00:01:53.940 | but he loved hanging out with her, loved.
00:01:55.980 | And so, man, I just encouraged him,
00:01:57.460 | hey man, just stay in proximity, grow in your friendship,
00:02:01.660 | and let's hope that something grows from there.
00:02:06.580 | And so I wouldn't want him, for her sake, to just go,
00:02:11.420 | hey, I'm gonna romantically pursue you
00:02:13.600 | in the hopes that one day I am physically attracted to you
00:02:16.580 | because I just believe, I keep saying it,
00:02:19.100 | that godliness is sexy to godly people.
00:02:22.900 | And so if you get in proximity
00:02:24.900 | and you see the godliness and character of a woman,
00:02:29.340 | or you begin to take more serious compatibility
00:02:34.340 | and godliness and gospel partnership
00:02:37.860 | than just physical attraction,
00:02:41.180 | and in the first part of mingling,
00:02:42.620 | I really address attraction as a good thing,
00:02:45.740 | but not at the level to where our culture has put it,
00:02:50.380 | because gravity always wins.
00:02:51.940 | I mean, you can be physically attracted to someone,
00:02:54.580 | but we're all wrinkling, we're all, you know,
00:02:57.900 | the nose and the ears never quit growing.
00:02:59.900 | I mean, it's only a matter of time
00:03:01.700 | till that little component that we're basing so much on
00:03:06.220 | starts to vanish and is replaced by an attraction
00:03:09.660 | founded on character and covenant.
00:03:11.980 | And so a way that I've tried to help people understand this
00:03:16.580 | is when I got cancer,
00:03:18.140 | everything that was sexy about me vanished.
00:03:20.780 | My strength, my vibrancy, my sense of humor,
00:03:24.460 | my creative romantic pursuit of Lauren,
00:03:27.300 | all of that was gone for two years.
00:03:30.420 | And my hair's out, and I just become a shriveled up version
00:03:35.420 | of what I was before the cancer.
00:03:38.420 | And thank God that Lauren's not going, "Man,
00:03:41.900 | "I'm just not physically attracted to him right now."
00:03:44.920 | But she entered into covenant with me,
00:03:47.660 | loved the character that God had formed in my heart,
00:03:51.120 | and now my character, my godliness,
00:03:54.340 | are what fuel her attraction to me physically.
00:03:58.860 | And so I think we've got it backwards.
00:04:00.660 | I think we've been discipled by the culture
00:04:03.160 | that physical sexual attraction is first,
00:04:06.220 | then once that's there,
00:04:07.880 | then let's see if character, godliness,
00:04:10.540 | and compatibility is there.
00:04:12.020 | And I think it's backwards.
00:04:13.100 | I think character, compatibility, godliness,
00:04:18.380 | once those are there, I think those fuel attraction
00:04:22.600 | in the way that would please God
00:04:25.160 | and is much safer for our souls.
00:04:27.280 | But at the same time, I wanna protect the heart,
00:04:29.440 | particularly of young women,
00:04:31.720 | from godly men teasing them with pursuit.
00:04:36.160 | And so I wanna be careful answering this question.
00:04:41.840 | So I say pursue 'em as friends
00:04:43.680 | and hope that it grows into more
00:04:45.080 | and want it to grow into more.
00:04:47.540 | And I'm confident that over time,
00:04:50.120 | character and godliness win the day.
00:04:52.260 | - Thank you for that wisdom.
00:04:55.080 | That's Matt Chandler, the lead pastor
00:04:56.800 | at the Village Church in Dallas,
00:04:58.460 | and tomorrow we'll return.
00:04:59.880 | I'll ask whether or not a boyfriend
00:05:02.120 | should lead his girlfriend.
00:05:04.160 | If so, how and when and where?
00:05:06.920 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.
00:05:07.920 | Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast.
00:05:10.540 | (silence)
00:05:12.700 | (silence)
00:05:14.860 | (silence)
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