How Can I Learn to Receive Criticism?
00:00:00.000 | [Music]
00:00:04.000 | Well, it's no secret that God has designed this world and he has designed us
00:00:09.000 | that we can improve as we listen to the criticism of others.
00:00:14.000 | Just look at the theme of rebuke in the book of Proverbs for one example.
00:00:19.000 | Rebuke is essential to our lives, clearly.
00:00:22.000 | But receiving critique from others means overcoming the fear of criticism.
00:00:26.000 | It means overcoming the condemnation of criticism.
00:00:30.000 | It means discerning the truthfulness of criticism.
00:00:34.000 | Knowing how to benefit from criticism requires a high degree of skill,
00:00:39.000 | skills that every Christian needs to develop.
00:00:43.000 | And that leads us to today's question from an anonymous young woman who lives in Munich, Germany.
00:00:47.000 | She wants to overcome her fear of others. Here's what she writes.
00:00:51.000 | Pastor John, thank you for this outlet to ask my question. I'll get right to it.
00:00:56.000 | I think too much about what people think of me.
00:01:00.000 | In particular, when people criticize me, I really take it to heart.
00:01:04.000 | I know I should focus on Jesus, but I fail.
00:01:07.000 | Sometimes I cannot sleep as I think about what people have said about me.
00:01:11.000 | It is worst at work. I really take my office job to heart and cannot deal with it
00:01:17.000 | when my boss criticizes anything about what I do.
00:01:20.000 | I might look cool and stay calm and polite, but I wilt inside.
00:01:25.000 | What can I do to overcome this feeling of hurt?
00:01:29.000 | How can I focus on Jesus instead of myself?
00:01:33.000 | Sometimes it helps in a situation like this, I find, whether it's in myself or others,
00:01:40.000 | to break the problem down into parts.
00:01:44.000 | So let's try to do that.
00:01:46.000 | It seems to me that there are four kinds of criticism that our German friend might get at any given time.
00:02:00.000 | First, there is criticism that is deserved and is given in kindness and goodwill.
00:02:08.000 | Second, there is criticism that is deserved and is given in harsh and demeaning ways.
00:02:17.000 | Third, there's criticism that is not deserved and is given in kindness and goodwill.
00:02:25.000 | It's a real mistake. It's an honest mistake.
00:02:28.000 | And fourth, there is criticism that is undeserved and is given in harsh and demeaning ways
00:02:38.000 | and may have real ill will behind it.
00:02:42.000 | Now, we could break it down further. Those aren't the only categories.
00:02:47.000 | I mean, it makes a difference whether the person who speaks in a harsh and demeaning way
00:02:53.000 | does that because he or she really wants to hurt you, that's really abusive,
00:02:58.000 | or there may be extenuating circumstances like a bad day at home or personality issues
00:03:06.000 | and the harsh person doesn't really mean to hurt you at all.
00:03:11.000 | But let's keep it simple for now. We'll just stay with these four categories of criticism.
00:03:17.000 | The first suggestion is simply that our friend think about these categories
00:03:24.000 | and not just about her own hurt feelings.
00:03:30.000 | And I'm not suggesting that if the criticism she gets is deserved or delivered with kindness,
00:03:40.000 | that it doesn't hurt.
00:03:42.000 | I mean, all four of these categories can hurt because we don't like to be told.
00:03:48.000 | I don't like to be told that the job I just did isn't as good as it should have been.
00:03:55.000 | You should have done better, Piper. That was not a good way to do it.
00:04:00.000 | That's never a pleasant thing to hear, right?
00:04:04.000 | So hurt is sometimes huge, sometimes little,
00:04:08.000 | but any of those four categories can make us uncomfortable or angry or hurt.
00:04:15.000 | But I'm saying it would make a significant difference if our friend does not go first and foremost
00:04:25.000 | to her hurt feelings, but rather she goes first to the issue of truth.
00:04:32.000 | This is what I'm suggesting on this first idea, that it helps to not first feel the hurt and linger there,
00:04:42.000 | but switch around the focus of your mind to what is true.
00:04:48.000 | What kind of criticism is it? Was it deserved or not? Was it partially true or not?
00:04:55.000 | Is it true that the way the criticism was given was kind? Was it harsh?
00:05:00.000 | The very asking of these questions is a partial deliverance from self.
00:05:09.000 | And that's a victory. That's a partial victory.
00:05:13.000 | Concerning yourself with truth,
00:05:16.000 | concerning yourself with truth outside of you and your feelings is a wonderful habit to form,
00:05:24.000 | a habit of freedom, a habit from bondage to hurt feelings,
00:05:29.000 | feelings that we all have. We do. We all have them.
00:05:33.000 | And she's asking how, how can I be less controlled by them?
00:05:37.000 | And I'm suggesting that a focus on truth and analyzing a little bit of the situation to get at the truth
00:05:46.000 | would be a partial deliverance right off the bat.
00:05:50.000 | What happens with this focus on truth or reality outside of you is that you realize
00:05:57.000 | that different feelings are appropriate in each of these four situations, different feelings.
00:06:06.000 | And that helps you differentiate your own soul.
00:06:09.000 | So you're not controlled completely by this overwhelming sense,
00:06:13.000 | but rather you're getting at the truth of your own feelings by differentiating them.
00:06:19.000 | All of them may involve hurt or discomfort, but the intensity and the nature of the feelings are going to be different
00:06:30.000 | when they are informed by the truth about whether the criticism is deserved or not,
00:06:37.000 | whether it was harsh or not.
00:06:39.000 | Forming the habit of measuring your feelings by the truth will have a very maturing effect on your soul.
00:06:48.000 | And you will feel wiser and freer, having a greater measure of self-control,
00:06:56.000 | which the Bible says is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit when we are acting in faith.
00:07:02.000 | Now, if the criticism, say, is deserved, if you could have and should have done better,
00:07:13.000 | then you preach to yourself like this.
00:07:15.000 | "I know I should do everything to the glory of God," 1 Corinthians 10.31.
00:07:21.000 | "I know that he has promised me grace to do that," 2 Corinthians 9.8.
00:07:28.000 | In other words, you put things through a Bible grid.
00:07:31.000 | And that means at least using God's gifts to me for the best job I can.
00:07:39.000 | And so I will let these criticisms spur me on to do my job better, and I will thank him,
00:07:49.000 | I will thank God, maybe even my critic, for these criticisms, as painful or hurtful as it is,
00:07:58.000 | and I will do all I can to grow by this legitimate criticism.
00:08:05.000 | Now, if the criticism is not deserved, and you think the critic misunderstood or was misinformed,
00:08:15.000 | then in a professional setting, a job setting, it's right and good with humility
00:08:24.000 | to go to the person and give them whatever evidence you have that there was a mistake,
00:08:29.000 | there was a miscommunication, something went haywire here,
00:08:32.000 | because what you just said isn't even true about what I did or what I said.
00:08:37.000 | It's possible that peace could be restored and appreciation and admiration could be restored
00:08:43.000 | because it was just an honest mistake.
00:08:45.000 | Or if there's real ill will involved, and you've been intentionally maligned,
00:08:55.000 | then you may for a season overlook the fault as you seek to win the goodwill of the person
00:09:05.000 | by returning good for evil, like the Bible says.
00:09:08.000 | But in a professional setting where much larger issues are at stake than just your own feelings,
00:09:16.000 | you may need to confront the critic with the hope of reconciliation,
00:09:22.000 | and if not, then through proper grievance procedures,
00:09:27.000 | seek the good of the whole corporate culture by exposing the dishonesty or the dysfunction.
00:09:34.000 | The deeper question in all of this, and I think this may be what she's really getting at,
00:09:41.000 | the deeper question in all of this is how to keep our hurt feelings,
00:09:46.000 | which all of us have from time to time, from dominating us, controlling us,
00:09:51.000 | causing us to either become melancholy or depressed,
00:09:55.000 | or how to keep them from making us bitter, angry, so that we're miserable to be around.
00:10:03.000 | Neither of those responses to criticism shows the sufficiency of Jesus.
00:10:09.000 | So Jesus and Paul, just to take a couple of examples,
00:10:14.000 | team up to give us two ways to combat the negative effects of hurt feelings.
00:10:23.000 | Jesus does this by directing our gaze forward to a great reward,
00:10:30.000 | and Paul does it, in the text I'm thinking about,
00:10:34.000 | by directing our gaze backward to the work of Christ.
00:10:38.000 | So here's what I mean.
00:10:40.000 | Jesus' counsel, when we're criticized, even unjustly, Matthew 5, 11 and 12, goes like this.
00:10:49.000 | "Blessed are you when others revile you," now that's serious criticism,
00:10:55.000 | "and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil," there's really more serious criticism,
00:11:02.000 | "evil against you falsely on my account."
00:11:05.000 | So he's dealing with a real situation of criticism.
00:11:09.000 | And he says, "Rejoice and be glad, for great is your reward in heaven,
00:11:17.000 | for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
00:11:21.000 | So, what do we do? We preach this to ourselves.
00:11:26.000 | We preach it from as many texts as we can think of.
00:11:30.000 | We keep a journal. If we're prone to this kind of hurt,
00:11:34.000 | we keep a journal as we read the Bible, a text like this.
00:11:38.000 | "How inexpressibly great is your future," Jesus says.
00:11:42.000 | "Dwell on it, think on it."
00:11:44.000 | If we could really see how long and glorious and happy heaven will be,
00:11:49.000 | and how short the criticisms of this life really are, it would lighten our load.
00:11:56.000 | Jesus says it will take enough sting out of the reviling and the criticism
00:12:03.000 | that you can actually rejoice.
00:12:05.000 | Maybe it's a sorrowful rejoicing, but it's a real rejoicing.
00:12:09.000 | It enables you to keep on doing your job and keep on returning good for evil.
00:12:15.000 | Then Paul directs our attention backward to the work of Christ.
00:12:21.000 | He says this, this is Colossians 3.13, "Bear with one another."
00:12:26.000 | Now that means somebody has done something to you that's hard to deal with, right?
00:12:30.000 | "Bear with one another."
00:12:31.000 | I'm having to endure you because you've just said something that really hurts me
00:12:36.000 | or angers me or makes me want to get back at you.
00:12:40.000 | If anyone has a complaint against another, like being criticized,
00:12:47.000 | forgive each other as the Lord has forgiven you.
00:12:51.000 | So there's the pointing backwards, as the Lord has forgiven you.
00:12:54.000 | So we should not be overwhelmed by the criticism.
00:13:00.000 | We should be overwhelmed not only with the greatness of our reward,
00:13:05.000 | but with the love of Christ who died for us in spite of all of our ill-advised words
00:13:12.000 | towards others, towards him.
00:13:14.000 | So, dear friend in Germany, you're not alone.
00:13:20.000 | Jesus knew, Paul knew, we all know this is a battle we will fight
00:13:27.000 | until the end of our days on earth.
00:13:30.000 | Concern yourself with truth.
00:13:33.000 | Let it measure and shape your feelings.
00:13:38.000 | And then when you're criticized, look to the greatness of Christ's forgiveness
00:13:46.000 | and the greatness of your future with him.
00:13:50.000 | Thank you, Pastor John, and thank you for this question.
00:13:53.000 | All the way from Munich, Germany, we appreciate it.
00:13:55.000 | No matter where in the world you live, send your question into us.
00:13:58.000 | You can do that at AskPastorJohn.com.
00:14:03.000 | Well, next week we are going to look at the sobering topic of making shipwreck of the faith.
00:14:09.000 | What does it look like to make shipwreck of the faith?
00:14:12.000 | And what are some personal examples of faith failing?
00:14:16.000 | And why does it happen?
00:14:18.000 | It's a very common question in our inbox and is on the table after the weekend.
00:14:22.000 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke, and Pastor John and I will see you back here on Monday.
00:14:26.000 | [End]
00:14:29.000 | www.askpastorjohn.com
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