My Spouse Died Prematurely — Was It My Fault?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | Welcome back to the podcast.

00:00:05.780 | As you know, if you've been listening for a while,

00:00:08.060 | we get heartbreaking emails regularly,

00:00:10.300 | and that includes this one from an anonymous woman.

00:00:13.160 | "Pastor John, I am a new widow,

00:00:16.840 | "mother of two young boys in my mid-30s.

00:00:20.140 | "My husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly

00:00:22.360 | "from what we did not know at the time

00:00:23.700 | "was bacterial pneumonia,

00:00:25.160 | "which quickly became septic shock.

00:00:28.440 | "He also had an underlying heart condition.

00:00:30.640 | "He died one week before his 34th birthday.

00:00:33.740 | "He was normal one day and home with the Lord

00:00:37.460 | "in three days later.

00:00:39.980 | "My question relates to the issue of blame

00:00:41.740 | "and God's timing in his death.

00:00:43.860 | "We had thought his ailments were a flu bug or COVID

00:00:47.820 | "and didn't realize the severity of what was truly going on.

00:00:51.360 | "We had responded by following telephone guidance

00:00:53.480 | "from a Christian homeopathic provider

00:00:55.380 | "who had also assumed COVID,

00:00:57.520 | "someone we trusted but perhaps should not have.

00:01:00.380 | "As I grieve, I can't seem to stop blaming myself.

00:01:03.880 | "I desperately want reassurance to know

00:01:05.580 | "that I did not hurt my husband,

00:01:07.100 | "let him down, or by our actions, shorten his lifespan.

00:01:11.240 | "I tried to care for him and protect him as best as I could

00:01:13.700 | "based on the knowledge that I had at the time.

00:01:16.100 | "We didn't know we were wrong.

00:01:18.380 | "Once we were in the ER and discovered

00:01:19.980 | "he was facing septic shock,

00:01:21.460 | "I prayed fervently for the Lord to rescue and heal him.

00:01:25.300 | "I guess I'm left wondering

00:01:26.360 | "if I should continue to feel responsible.

00:01:29.040 | "I need help to trust God if he was responsible,

00:01:32.040 | "and if so, that he is still good despite taking my soulmate

00:01:35.760 | "and my best friend home at such a young

00:01:38.220 | "and difficult to understand time.

00:01:41.140 | "I would greatly appreciate any help you can offer me."

00:01:45.460 | - The reference to COVID makes me realize

00:01:48.800 | how recent and raw this loss is.

00:01:53.800 | This didn't happen five years ago.

00:01:55.860 | - Right.

00:01:56.760 | - So I want to be so careful.

00:02:00.120 | I think the fact that she is reaching out to us

00:02:03.680 | in this fairly public way is a good sign

00:02:08.480 | that she hasn't despaired of discovering new things

00:02:13.480 | in God's word that might ease the pain.

00:02:16.800 | And I think she's right in that.

00:02:20.040 | There are new things.

00:02:21.720 | I'm sure she hasn't yet seen that God wants her to see

00:02:25.340 | for her own help and comfort and hope.

00:02:29.220 | I think there will be new, fresh things, in fact,

00:02:34.980 | for her to see for the next 50 years.

00:02:37.540 | She will see things in God's word 50 years from now

00:02:43.500 | that will shed light on this heart-wrenching loss

00:02:49.580 | in such a way, even at that distance,

00:02:54.300 | to make the love of Christ

00:02:56.340 | and the memory of her husband even more precious.

00:02:59.580 | I am seeing things at age 76 that are shedding light

00:03:05.500 | on sorrows that I experienced 60 years ago.

00:03:09.700 | I still am getting new light on the meaning of those years.

00:03:14.700 | So I expect that for her.

00:03:18.020 | I think the way I would like to come at this

00:03:22.700 | is to raise the question, and it may sound surprising,

00:03:26.620 | what would you do, how would you think,

00:03:31.280 | if you knew that it was your fault that your husband died?

00:03:36.280 | Now, I'm not suggesting that it was at all.

00:03:42.860 | Clearly, it was not your fault.

00:03:46.300 | But I'm asking you to make an experiment in your mind.

00:03:52.380 | What if you had failed to put the emergency brake

00:03:56.420 | on the car and it had rolled over him

00:03:59.940 | and killed him while he was working on it?

00:04:03.860 | What if you were helping him clean one of his hunting guns

00:04:07.800 | and it accidentally went off and killed him?

00:04:10.060 | What if you fell asleep at the wheel and crashed

00:04:13.260 | and only he died in the wreck?

00:04:15.380 | What if you mixed up one of his medications?

00:04:19.860 | Or maybe instead just ask,

00:04:22.740 | how would you counsel somebody in that situation?

00:04:27.480 | Because there are thousands of people

00:04:30.360 | in that very situation.

00:04:32.220 | They don't just wonder if they could have done more

00:04:36.580 | to save their loved one.

00:04:37.860 | They know they caused the death accidentally.

00:04:41.940 | Now, I suppose I could join the chorus

00:04:45.980 | of everyone around you and say what is obvious,

00:04:50.380 | namely, you did all you could.

00:04:53.920 | Nobody is doubting your love

00:04:57.420 | and your care for your husband.

00:05:01.420 | Everybody knows you are not responsible for his death.

00:05:06.420 | And I do join that chorus.

00:05:11.260 | But I don't think you wrote to us

00:05:14.380 | just for me to say the obvious

00:05:17.820 | that everybody else is saying, it's not your fault.

00:05:20.380 | So what I want to say is,

00:05:23.760 | if the Bible has an answer

00:05:26.860 | for how you would press on in life

00:05:30.660 | with freedom and hope and usefulness

00:05:35.440 | and even eventually joy,

00:05:38.920 | even if you had caused his death,

00:05:42.680 | then how much more can you be assured

00:05:47.520 | that God will help you press on in life

00:05:49.780 | with freedom and hope and usefulness

00:05:54.080 | and eventually joy when you did not cause the death

00:05:59.080 | and were helpless to stop it?

00:06:01.860 | Most of the time,

00:06:05.260 | we turn to Genesis 50 verse 20

00:06:08.660 | to remind ourselves that all the bad things

00:06:12.140 | that happened to Joseph turned out for good

00:06:14.300 | by God's design, remember?

00:06:16.180 | He said, "As for you, you brothers, you rascal brothers

00:06:20.540 | "who caused all this trouble,

00:06:21.720 | "as for you, you meant evil against me,

00:06:25.740 | "but God meant it for good."

00:06:28.700 | So we usually focus on Joseph

00:06:32.540 | and all the bad things that happened to him,

00:06:34.380 | but very rarely do we ponder

00:06:37.820 | what that verse means for Joseph's brothers

00:06:41.620 | who really were guilty of multiple sins

00:06:46.580 | that caused Joseph's misery.

00:06:49.060 | And here's what Joseph says in the next verse

00:06:52.980 | to those brothers.

00:06:54.580 | "So do not fear.

00:06:57.180 | "I will provide for you and your little ones."

00:07:03.020 | Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.

00:07:08.020 | Wow.

00:07:09.820 | This does not mean they are not guilty.

00:07:13.700 | They are guilty.

00:07:14.780 | But it does mean that God has a future

00:07:19.620 | and a purpose for them, even though they were guilty.

00:07:23.240 | They were the guilty ones

00:07:25.740 | and they caused all that misery

00:07:28.820 | for 17 years of Joseph's life.

00:07:32.780 | And through one of them, amazingly, Judah,

00:07:36.500 | God would even bring a savior into the world.

00:07:39.380 | Now, Paul handled his own guilt as a murderer the same way.

00:07:46.380 | He saw that God had a merciful purpose in it

00:07:52.100 | for other guilty people.

00:07:54.740 | He said in 1 Timothy 1:16,

00:07:56.640 | "I received mercy for this reason,

00:08:01.140 | "that in me, as the foremost of sinners,

00:08:05.100 | "Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience

00:08:09.940 | "as an example to those who were to believe in him

00:08:12.420 | "for eternal life."

00:08:13.760 | In other words, somehow, Paul was able to transpose

00:08:19.820 | the horrible sounding guilt of persecution and killing

00:08:28.820 | at his own hands into the beautiful music of mercy

00:08:33.820 | through him to other guilty sinners

00:08:37.140 | to whom God would show amazing patience.

00:08:40.260 | Then change the focus just slightly

00:08:43.960 | from situations where someone really was guilty,

00:08:48.720 | but God made a future for them,

00:08:50.800 | from that to the man born blind in John 9.

00:08:57.220 | Now here, the apostles assume that someone must have sinned.

00:09:02.220 | They just must have sinned for this calamity

00:09:08.460 | to come upon this blind man.

00:09:10.020 | Like you, perhaps, from time to time, are tempted to think,

00:09:16.180 | "Did we do something wrong?

00:09:18.980 | "Can there be a catastrophic loss like this

00:09:23.960 | "without someone having done something sinful?"

00:09:27.180 | So they asked Jesus, "Rabbi, who sinned,

00:09:31.320 | "this man or his parents that he was born blind?"

00:09:35.300 | And Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned

00:09:42.000 | "or his parents, but that the works of God

00:09:46.480 | "might be displayed in him."

00:09:48.240 | Now that is an amazing answer,

00:09:52.400 | and surely it applies to your situation.

00:09:56.780 | Who sinned?

00:09:57.620 | Who was neglectful?

00:10:00.760 | Who put their trust in the wrong place?

00:10:03.700 | Who reacted too slowly?

00:10:07.360 | Who failed to see the symptoms?

00:10:09.240 | Who's guilty here?

00:10:10.600 | Where's the sin?

00:10:11.740 | There's gotta be sin here.

00:10:14.120 | To which Jesus answers, "It was not that you

00:10:20.640 | "or your homeopathic advisor, or your doctors,

00:10:25.640 | "or your husband sinned, or were neglectful,

00:10:29.720 | "or put your trust in the wrong place,

00:10:31.300 | "or reacted too slowly, or failed to see the symptoms.

00:10:34.300 | "Rather, it was that the works of God

00:10:38.180 | "might be displayed in him."

00:10:40.100 | To which you ask, "What works?"

00:10:44.480 | Well, for starters, your persevering faith

00:10:49.240 | in the reality, and power, and wisdom,

00:10:51.160 | and goodness of God.

00:10:52.400 | That is a miraculous work of God.

00:10:56.180 | But it might be helpful for you to think on this.

00:11:01.360 | When your husband died, God set in motion

00:11:07.680 | 10,000 effects that you can't see.

00:11:13.160 | Some of them will become manifest in a year or two,

00:11:18.200 | and some of them in 50 years.

00:11:20.500 | Your husband's death did not take God off guard,

00:11:25.840 | nor was it meaningless, or absurd,

00:11:29.280 | or without profound purpose.

00:11:32.460 | A holy purpose, a sacred, precious purpose,

00:11:37.460 | precious in the sight of the Lord,

00:11:40.020 | is the death of his saints.

00:11:43.440 | Psalm 113 and 116, "Your eyes, O God,

00:11:46.740 | "saw my husband's unformed substance

00:11:49.580 | "while he was being knit together in his mother's womb.

00:11:52.560 | "In your book were written every one of them,

00:11:57.840 | "the days that were formed for him,

00:12:02.320 | "when as yet there was none of them.

00:12:05.880 | "His days were written down with divine wisdom,

00:12:10.020 | "and the 10,000 ripple effects

00:12:13.700 | "that flow out from his life and his death

00:12:18.660 | "will not be in vain.

00:12:21.540 | "Some of them you will know in this life,

00:12:24.360 | "most of them you won't."

00:12:26.180 | You are being tested.

00:12:28.700 | But God has promised not to test you beyond your strength.

00:12:34.640 | 1 Corinthians 10, 13, "God is faithful.

00:12:38.280 | "He will not let you be tested beyond your ability,

00:12:42.360 | "but with the test, he will also provide the way of escape

00:12:46.880 | "that you may be able to endure it."

00:12:51.560 | Jesus promised his disciples

00:12:55.200 | that they would have trouble in the world,

00:12:59.240 | and he also promised peace in the midst of it.

00:13:02.600 | John 16, 33, "I have said these things to you

00:13:07.000 | "that in me you may have peace.

00:13:11.240 | "In the world you will have trouble.

00:13:14.360 | "Take heart, I have overcome the world."

00:13:17.800 | So that's what I want to leave you with,

00:13:21.160 | the promise of peace, Christ's own peace.

00:13:25.540 | John 14, 27, "Peace I leave with you.

00:13:29.740 | "My peace I give to you.

00:13:32.660 | "Not as the world gives do I give to you.

00:13:37.480 | "Let not your heart be troubled.

00:13:41.260 | "Neither let it be afraid.

00:13:42.880 | "There is a future and a hope.

00:13:46.340 | "No suffering of God's loved ones is in vain."

00:13:51.940 | - Thank you for that hopeful word, Pastor John,

00:13:55.260 | and thank you for the raw email.

00:13:56.820 | It takes courage to write it out, and we appreciate it,

00:13:59.540 | and we're humbled that you would send it to us.

00:14:01.780 | Thank you for joining us today.

00:14:02.860 | You can ask a question of your own.

00:14:04.400 | Search our growing archive,

00:14:05.420 | or subscribe to the podcast all at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.

00:14:09.100 | Speaking of heavy topics,

00:14:12.820 | should we break a friendship over a gospel disagreement,

00:14:17.200 | a disagreement about what constitutes gospel truth?

00:14:20.780 | Yes, Pastor John says, we should be willing to do that,

00:14:23.140 | and he will explain why and when

00:14:24.700 | that dramatic step is needed on Monday.

00:14:27.100 | I'm your host, Tony Renke.

00:14:28.060 | We'll see you back here on the other side of the weekend.

00:14:30.740 | Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast.

00:14:33.940 | We'll see you then.

00:14:34.900 | (upbeat music)

00:14:37.480 | (upbeat music)

00:14:40.060 | (upbeat music)

00:14:42.640 | (Thanks for watching)

My Spouse Died Prematurely — Was It My Fault?

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