My Friend Claims She’s Gay — What Do I Say?
00:00:00.000 | Today's question comes from a podcast listener named Kathy.
00:00:07.240 | "Hello Pastor John.
00:00:08.840 | You recently came to speak at my church in South Carolina and wow, what a blessing it
00:00:13.080 | was to me and to our entire church.
00:00:15.320 | Thank you for your faithful ministry.
00:00:17.640 | I write because my best friend just told me that she has been wrestling with homosexual
00:00:22.180 | desires for years and will now give in to them.
00:00:26.000 | She recently said this to me, "I'm going to date a girl.
00:00:29.480 | I just am.
00:00:30.480 | It just feels more right and I just have to try it.
00:00:34.360 | I've agonized over this for years.
00:00:36.440 | I didn't ask for this and I'm not guilty or ashamed anymore.
00:00:39.680 | I've prayed and prayed and prayed and studied and I don't really feel condemnation from
00:00:43.800 | God.
00:00:44.800 | I just feel it from people.
00:00:46.320 | I feel fine about it, free, unconvicted, and not scared anymore."
00:00:54.040 | Those are her words.
00:00:55.260 | My friend clearly professes faith and has come to the conclusion that it is okay to
00:00:59.920 | pursue this lifestyle, but a strong defensiveness makes me unsure how to best voice my disagreement.
00:01:06.720 | Pastor John, what would you say to Kathy?
00:01:09.760 | Kathy, my suggestion is that you go back and review what you know because seeing it in
00:01:20.200 | black and white in God's Word strengthens us, gives us guidance for what to do.
00:01:28.440 | I have in mind Romans 1, 22 to 28.
00:01:32.720 | All of it's important, but here's the sentence that is most immediately relevant.
00:01:39.160 | Verse 26, Romans 1, "God gave them up to dishonorable passions for their women exchanged natural
00:01:51.920 | relations for those that are contrary to nature."
00:01:56.480 | That's the most important sentence right now for you and your friend.
00:02:01.820 | This is very frightening because she is your best friend, you said.
00:02:09.680 | And it seems to me from what you say that God is doing this very thing in her life,
00:02:17.760 | giving her up to passions, a terrifying prospect that should make her tremble and you for her.
00:02:26.400 | So notice two levels of activity in this verse, 26 of Romans 1.
00:02:32.260 | One level is that God is giving her up to dishonorable passions.
00:02:37.900 | God gave them up to dishonorable passions, these women.
00:02:42.520 | There are three implications for your friend here.
00:02:46.400 | One, God ordinarily restrains sin for millions of people.
00:02:51.720 | He restrains sin, but sometimes in just judgment for their resistance, he stops restraining.
00:03:01.000 | And this is called giving them up or handing them over to their desires.
00:03:06.460 | So he's just pulled back on your friend's passions for sin, and he's letting her go.
00:03:16.200 | Second, instead of God being the dominant restraining force now, passions take complete
00:03:24.040 | control.
00:03:25.680 | I hear this over and over in the way you describe the state of her heart.
00:03:30.720 | Quote is what you say, "I'm going to date a girl.
00:03:34.080 | I just am.
00:03:35.760 | It just feels more right.
00:03:38.600 | I just have to try it.
00:03:41.000 | I don't feel guilty or ashamed anymore.
00:03:44.600 | I don't really feel condemnation from God.
00:03:47.800 | I just feel it from people.
00:03:50.480 | I feel just fine about it."
00:03:53.560 | That's the language of a person who has been given up to feelings, or what Paul calls passions,
00:04:02.120 | dishonorable passions.
00:04:03.340 | They are her new God.
00:04:05.960 | Once the power of feelings and passions had a governor in God's restraining grace.
00:04:11.960 | Now these passions are like a tsunami.
00:04:16.000 | They are knocking down every tower of truth, every sign of warning, every barrier to destruction.
00:04:25.240 | And she is now, it seems, enslaved to her feelings, her passions.
00:04:32.940 | And there is no slave master in the world that feels more freeing than this one.
00:04:41.680 | But he's very cruel.
00:04:43.720 | Here's the third implication of this level one in verse 26.
00:04:48.320 | This new God that she has, called the passions, Paul says is dishonorable.
00:04:56.280 | She is in the bondage of dishonorable passions.
00:05:01.080 | Not only do these passions lead to utterly unnatural and pathetic substitutes for the
00:05:07.560 | way God created women, but they turn friends into enemies.
00:05:13.160 | She says she only feels condemnation from people.
00:05:19.640 | Feelings are not God.
00:05:21.720 | It doesn't matter whether the friends really are condemning her.
00:05:27.840 | All that matters is what she feels.
00:05:31.040 | That's the way this God enslaves its victims.
00:05:34.600 | Reality doesn't matter anymore.
00:05:36.960 | Being condemned is all that matters.
00:05:39.280 | Whether you love her doesn't matter to her.
00:05:41.640 | If she feels condemned by what you say, feelings are God.
00:05:47.120 | Self-justification is right at the heart of these dishonorable passions.
00:05:53.140 | They are morally superior.
00:05:55.800 | They feel morally superior to her than all the people around her who are now judgmental.
00:06:04.540 | So they are dishonorable passions in that they take friends speaking truth in love and
00:06:10.840 | turn them into enemies.
00:06:13.720 | I said there are two levels in this verse.
00:06:16.080 | That was one of them.
00:06:17.240 | God gave them up to dishonorable passions.
00:06:19.720 | Here's the other one.
00:06:21.280 | For their women exchange natural relations for those that are contrary to nature.
00:06:29.400 | So first comes the dishonorable passions, the bondage to the God of feelings, and then
00:06:35.840 | comes the action.
00:06:38.720 | First there's dating, then touching, then kissing, then who knows what pathetic, utterly
00:06:48.920 | hopeless attempts to make the unnatural feel natural.
00:06:56.480 | The cruel God of feeling will let her succeed for a while, but the end of verse 27 will
00:07:03.960 | sooner or later explode with misery.
00:07:08.000 | It says, "Committing shameless acts and receiving in themselves," she and her girlfriend, "receiving
00:07:16.480 | in themselves the due penalty for their error."
00:07:21.140 | You can say if you quote that to her, that she feels condemned by you.
00:07:27.680 | Just realize that feeling is bondage to her new God, and you need to speak.
00:07:35.680 | God only knows in the short run what that penalty will be.
00:07:41.000 | All that from Romans 1 is what you would do well to remind yourself of, and it seems to
00:07:45.960 | me, Kathy, that perhaps the best thing you can do is somehow draw your friend's attention
00:07:53.120 | to the powerful role that feelings play in her life right now, that are all out of proportion
00:08:03.160 | to the truth and authority of Scripture.
00:08:06.480 | I'm just going to date this girl.
00:08:08.160 | I just am.
00:08:09.560 | It just feels more right.
00:08:11.760 | I just have to try it.
00:08:13.480 | I don't feel guilty.
00:08:15.120 | I don't feel ashamed.
00:08:16.840 | I don't really feel condemned by God.
00:08:20.200 | I just feel condemned by people.
00:08:23.000 | I feel just fine about it.
00:08:25.280 | Feel, feel, feel, feel, feel.
00:08:28.480 | If there's truly a vestige of submission to the Lordship of Jesus in her, perhaps she
00:08:36.080 | will see that this is code language for the God of self.
00:08:43.880 | Perhaps it is not too late for you to sound a wake-up call.
00:08:49.640 | Don't be afraid of being condemned by her as being judgmental.
00:08:54.680 | It may be the price you will have to pay for loving her well.
00:08:59.200 | Amen.
00:09:00.200 | Straightforward word that we all need to find our confidence in the revealed Word of God
00:09:05.160 | as an act of love towards others.
00:09:07.880 | Thank you, Pastor John, and thank you for the very honest question, Kathy.
00:09:11.560 | Appreciate that.
00:09:12.560 | Thanks for listening to the podcast.
00:09:14.240 | Over at our online home, you can explore all of our episodes in our archive of about 1,300
00:09:18.840 | to date.
00:09:19.840 | There you can see a list of our most popular episodes, read full transcripts, and submit
00:09:23.640 | a question you might be wrestling with yourself.
00:09:26.840 | For all of that, go to DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.
00:09:31.320 | Also be sure to subscribe in your favorite podcast app.
00:09:35.840 | We end the week with an email from a 20-something young man whose health prospect is very bad
00:09:40.280 | and it seems that his life will be shortened.
00:09:43.120 | How does he come to terms with his approaching mortality and not become jaded toward God's
00:09:47.800 | sovereign goodness?
00:09:49.520 | That is the question on Friday.
00:09:51.280 | Thanks for listening to this podcast with longtime author and pastor John Piper.
00:09:56.400 | We'll see you on Friday.
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