Learning to Forgive Family

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - Good Monday, everyone,

00:00:05.640 | on this day before Independence Day

00:00:08.080 | here in the United States.

00:00:09.620 | Last time, last week, we addressed sibling rivalries,

00:00:13.520 | a common theme in the Bible

00:00:15.040 | and a concern we should have for our own homes today.

00:00:18.060 | Sibling rivalries was Thursday's theme in APJ 1954,

00:00:22.980 | was the episode number.

00:00:24.320 | And today we look at forgiving family members.

00:00:27.780 | The question is from a listener to the podcast,

00:00:29.560 | a young man who lives in Brazil.

00:00:31.360 | He writes this,

00:00:32.920 | hello, Pastor John, thank you for this podcast,

00:00:35.140 | which has been a huge resource God has used

00:00:37.340 | in my own sanctification.

00:00:39.260 | My question for you is this,

00:00:40.960 | my family struggles to forgive each other

00:00:43.420 | and it's been this way for years.

00:00:46.100 | They argue along the line

00:00:48.700 | that even Jesus was harsh with his enemies.

00:00:50.960 | So why should I forgive my enemies?

00:00:53.680 | How would you answer them in dealing with hurt in the past?

00:00:58.760 | What is the difference between Jesus dealing

00:01:00.820 | with his enemies like the Pharisees

00:01:02.620 | contrasted with what God expects from us

00:01:05.680 | in dealing with our own family members

00:01:08.760 | who have sinned against us?

00:01:10.240 | - This is utterly crucial.

00:01:14.140 | It's a matter of life and death,

00:01:16.340 | and I mean eternal life and death,

00:01:19.660 | as we will see in just a moment.

00:01:22.280 | So I take this question really seriously

00:01:25.100 | and I hope this family will take the issue seriously also.

00:01:30.100 | First, let's clarify what forgiveness is and isn't.

00:01:36.440 | That's a huge stumbling block for a lot of people

00:01:38.560 | when they start arguing about

00:01:40.400 | whether they should forgive or not,

00:01:41.920 | that they don't pause to define what it is and isn't.

00:01:44.560 | So let's do that.

00:01:45.400 | Number one, forgiveness is not thinking or saying

00:01:49.960 | or acting as though no great wrong was done.

00:01:54.120 | A great wrong may well have been done against you.

00:01:58.380 | Number two, forgiveness is not reestablishing

00:02:02.380 | a wonderful relationship.

00:02:05.060 | In Romans 12, 18, Paul said, "If possible,

00:02:08.520 | so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

00:02:13.380 | It may not be possible.

00:02:15.320 | He also said in Colossians 3, 13, "Bear with one another,

00:02:20.780 | and if one has a complaint against another,

00:02:23.420 | forgive each other."

00:02:25.100 | Now, bearing with one another

00:02:28.660 | means literally endure one another, forbear one another.

00:02:33.660 | In other words, there will be frustrating, annoying,

00:02:39.100 | even hurtful things about others

00:02:42.700 | that no amount of forgiveness will fix.

00:02:45.960 | And they must be endured.

00:02:49.440 | We must bear with them.

00:02:51.840 | You'll see why in a minute.

00:02:53.560 | Third, forgiveness does not mean

00:02:56.840 | that trust is immediately restored.

00:03:00.440 | This is crucial.

00:03:02.420 | So many think that to forgive is to restore trust,

00:03:08.520 | to give trust to someone who has betrayed you.

00:03:12.760 | But that assumes that the person has reformed

00:03:16.040 | and does not have those same untrustworthy patterns of life

00:03:19.880 | that made them do wrong.

00:03:21.280 | But in fact, they may be worse.

00:03:23.920 | They may be worse, not better.

00:03:26.360 | Forgiveness may lead to new and deeper trust.

00:03:29.480 | It may not.

00:03:30.680 | Number four, forgiveness can be real

00:03:36.240 | even if the other person does not accept it or want it.

00:03:41.240 | They may not think they did anything wrong.

00:03:45.880 | That's just a huge problem in marriage, for example.

00:03:50.600 | You want to forgive and they don't think they've wronged you.

00:03:53.800 | In those cases, the full transaction of repentance

00:03:57.320 | and forgiveness is not possible,

00:03:59.480 | but a forgiving spirit is still possible.

00:04:04.480 | And if that is all we can give,

00:04:07.560 | because they don't want our forgiveness,

00:04:10.800 | then the Lord counts that, that forgiving spirit,

00:04:15.800 | as our forgiveness.

00:04:18.360 | We've done it.

00:04:19.320 | We've done what we can do.

00:04:21.560 | We have shown that we are a forgiving person.

00:04:26.400 | You can love your enemy

00:04:28.500 | even while he remains your enemy, if he chooses.

00:04:33.480 | So then, if that's what forgiveness is not, what is it?

00:04:38.480 | Forgiveness is wanting the good,

00:04:42.680 | not the ruin of the one who wronged you.

00:04:47.960 | In spite of the wrong and then acting for their good.

00:04:52.640 | You won't let the wrong strangle your love.

00:04:58.760 | You won't let their sin make you sin.

00:05:02.000 | You will lay it down and pray for their good

00:05:08.160 | and work for it.

00:05:09.860 | Okay, with those clarifications in mind,

00:05:13.720 | why do I say forgiveness is so crucial?

00:05:18.120 | Number one, you as a Christian have been forgiven

00:05:25.040 | an offense that is millions of times greater against God

00:05:30.080 | than any human has offended or sinned against you.

00:05:35.360 | Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be kind to one another,

00:05:38.040 | tenderhearted, forgiving one another,

00:05:40.820 | as God in Christ forgave you."

00:05:45.820 | The outrage of the way you have treated God

00:05:51.840 | in your sin and unbelief was so great,

00:05:58.360 | it cost God the death of his only divine son to forgive you.

00:06:03.360 | In other words, your debt was infinite.

00:06:08.880 | Nobody who has wronged you has ever come close

00:06:13.880 | to wronging you as badly as you have wronged God.

00:06:17.960 | And yet we are forgiven.

00:06:21.340 | You and I, Christian, are forgiven.

00:06:25.080 | What would it mean if we refused to forgive?

00:06:29.220 | Here's what it would mean.

00:06:32.160 | It would mean we think God is a fool to forgive us.

00:06:38.540 | He's acting like a fool because I'm not gonna act like that.

00:06:41.520 | I'm not gonna be stupid and foolish like that.

00:06:43.920 | So God must be foolish to forgive me

00:06:48.320 | since I'm not gonna forgive.

00:06:50.040 | That's pretty serious.

00:06:51.240 | Let that sink in.

00:06:52.080 | That's very serious to think God's a fool

00:06:55.280 | or act like he's a fool.

00:06:57.400 | Number two, our friend in Brazil says

00:06:59.880 | that his unforgiving relatives say,

00:07:02.340 | "Even Jesus was harsh with his enemies.

00:07:05.400 | Why should I forgive my enemies?"

00:07:07.540 | One answer is because Jesus forgave his enemies.

00:07:10.960 | Hanging on the cross to purchase our forgiveness,

00:07:14.640 | he said, "Father, forgive them.

00:07:17.620 | They know not what they do."

00:07:20.480 | Of course he was harsh with the Pharisees and scribes.

00:07:24.000 | Good grief.

00:07:25.160 | And the reason he was harsh with them

00:07:27.080 | is because they were so unforgiving.

00:07:29.000 | But while being harsh, he was on his way to die for them

00:07:36.000 | if they would only trust him.

00:07:38.780 | So Jesus forgave his enemies.

00:07:43.180 | Number three, Jesus said,

00:07:47.640 | "If we don't forgive, we won't be forgiven."

00:07:51.140 | Matthew 6, 14.

00:07:54.220 | "If you forgive others their trespasses,

00:07:56.860 | your heavenly Father also will forgive you.

00:08:00.100 | If you don't forgive others their trespasses,

00:08:02.380 | neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses."

00:08:05.940 | And then he told a parable to emphasize

00:08:09.060 | this shocking reality.

00:08:11.240 | The king forgave a slave who owed him zillions.

00:08:15.700 | And that's a pretty good translation

00:08:17.780 | because the amount is like 20,000 years wages.

00:08:22.660 | I mean, it is supposed to sound like zillions.

00:08:26.140 | They owed him zillions of dollars.

00:08:29.660 | Then the slave went out and wrung the neck

00:08:33.660 | of a fellow slave who owed him $10.

00:08:36.980 | And the king said, "Throw him in prison

00:08:39.620 | till he pays everything," which means forever.

00:08:43.660 | Why?

00:08:44.500 | Because in relationship with God,

00:08:49.260 | forgiveness must go both ways.

00:08:52.220 | God gives and we receive.

00:08:54.940 | That slave did not receive the king's forgiveness.

00:09:01.340 | He despised it.

00:09:03.180 | He mocked it.

00:09:04.500 | He scorned it.

00:09:06.140 | He trembled it in the dirt.

00:09:08.420 | When you won't forgive someone else their debt

00:09:13.680 | while claiming to love the God who forgave yours,

00:09:17.520 | it's just pure hypocrisy.

00:09:19.800 | You're acting like God was a fool for forgiving you.

00:09:24.300 | And so if you keep on thinking God is a fool,

00:09:27.700 | you will perish and not be forgiven.

00:09:31.320 | Number four, when forgiveness seems hard,

00:09:35.300 | think about the reward.

00:09:37.700 | That's what Jesus said in Matthew 5, 12.

00:09:41.140 | "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you

00:09:44.500 | and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely

00:09:47.520 | on my account.

00:09:48.900 | Rejoice and be glad for your reward is great in heaven."

00:09:53.900 | So when the hurt you have received seems so great

00:09:58.980 | you can't rejoice and forgive,

00:10:02.960 | Jesus says, "Remember your reward.

00:10:05.720 | Remember your reward.

00:10:07.060 | It will be very great."

00:10:08.700 | One more suggestion from Romans 12, 19 and 20.

00:10:15.660 | One of the reasons we stumble over the command to forgive

00:10:19.440 | those who've hurt us is the sense

00:10:23.560 | that if we don't punish them in some way,

00:10:28.700 | they're gonna get away with a great wrong.

00:10:32.240 | They're gonna get away with a real injustice.

00:10:36.380 | So there's a sense in which our very proper love for justice

00:10:41.380 | makes us hesitant to let the offense or the hurt go.

00:10:48.060 | Just let it go.

00:10:49.460 | We feel that if we let it go,

00:10:51.820 | justice will simply not be done.

00:10:55.660 | And that would be wrong.

00:10:56.840 | So we justify our vengeance.

00:10:59.700 | But the problem with that way of thinking

00:11:02.340 | is that God has told us precisely that justice will be done

00:11:06.340 | and that he will do it.

00:11:09.440 | He will do it far better than we could ever do it.

00:11:12.760 | And here's what he says in Romans 12,

00:11:15.520 | "Beloved, never avenge yourselves.

00:11:18.140 | Leave it to the wrath of God."

00:11:20.480 | Now that leaving to God to deal with it

00:11:24.940 | is part of what goes into forgiveness.

00:11:26.980 | You leave it.

00:11:28.380 | "For it is written, vengeance is mine.

00:11:30.380 | I will repay.

00:11:32.540 | Justice will be done.

00:11:35.100 | To the contrary, if your enemy's hungry, feed him.

00:11:37.300 | If he's thirsty, give him something to drink.

00:11:39.300 | For by so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head.

00:11:43.020 | Do not be overcome by evil.

00:11:44.900 | Overcome evil with good."

00:11:47.220 | Now, the amazing thing about this promise,

00:11:49.740 | I will repay,

00:11:52.540 | is that it is true for all the wrongs

00:11:55.580 | unbelievers do against us

00:11:59.060 | and all the wrongs believers do against us.

00:12:02.420 | If a person wrongs us and never turns to Christ

00:12:08.480 | and remains an unbeliever till they die,

00:12:12.060 | they will go to hell.

00:12:13.380 | And all the wrongs that they have ever done

00:12:18.100 | will be duly repaid.

00:12:21.660 | Indeed, repaid more terribly

00:12:25.060 | than anything we could ever do here.

00:12:28.120 | So we don't need to do it.

00:12:30.460 | We don't need payback.

00:12:33.060 | If the person who wrongs us is a true Christian

00:12:38.260 | or becomes a Christian in their lifetime,

00:12:42.020 | having wronged us,

00:12:44.420 | if they trust Christ,

00:12:46.620 | then the wrong that they did to us

00:12:50.780 | with all their other sins

00:12:53.060 | was punished in the suffering of Christ.

00:12:56.700 | Christ bore the punishment

00:12:59.900 | for the sins they committed against us.

00:13:02.900 | Let me say that sentence again

00:13:05.300 | because I just think it would have such a vast impact

00:13:09.520 | on the way we treat each other.

00:13:11.380 | Christ bore the punishment

00:13:14.060 | for the sins that they committed against us.

00:13:18.940 | Think what that means if we are unwilling

00:13:22.020 | to forgive their wrong against us.

00:13:24.060 | It means we are acting as if the sufferings of Christ

00:13:27.020 | were not enough.

00:13:27.940 | We are making light of the horrors he endured

00:13:33.300 | to bear the guilt of that wrong committed against us.

00:13:38.500 | We do not want to be found in that horrible attitude.

00:13:42.980 | We don't.

00:13:43.820 | That's a dangerous attitude to think

00:13:45.540 | that Christ's sufferings are inadequate.

00:13:49.740 | So dear friend in Brazil,

00:13:52.420 | I will pray for your family and for you

00:13:57.420 | that they would see the seriousness

00:14:00.220 | of what's at stake in not forgiving

00:14:02.260 | and that you would seek to be a beautiful example

00:14:06.620 | to them of what forgiveness looks like.

00:14:10.220 | I will pray for you.

00:14:11.940 | I hope you will for me as well.

00:14:13.940 | - Thank you, Pastor John.

00:14:15.340 | And if forgiving others is a big hurdle in your life,

00:14:18.020 | especially if a family member has sinned against you

00:14:21.060 | but refuses to repent of that sin against you,

00:14:24.380 | see also an episode titled

00:14:26.180 | The Major Obstacle in Forgiving Others.

00:14:28.900 | Major Obstacle in Forgiving Others.

00:14:31.700 | That's ABJ 717, ABJ 717, a key episode.

00:14:36.460 | Thank you for joining us today.

00:14:39.400 | If you want to ask Pastor John, email us your question.

00:14:42.700 | Go to our online home at askpastorjohn.com.

00:14:45.380 | Well, what does it mean to serve God?

00:14:50.560 | And when we do serve God, what do we give him?

00:14:54.200 | Two exceptionally important questions

00:14:57.020 | that we need to ask and answer coming up

00:14:58.820 | in the week ahead of us.

00:15:00.180 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:15:01.100 | Have a wonderful Independence Day tomorrow,

00:15:03.820 | and we will see you again on Thursday.

00:15:06.500 | (upbeat music)

00:15:09.080 | (upbeat music)

00:15:11.660 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Learning to Forgive Family

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