How Do I Escape Regret over Hurt I’ve Caused?
00:00:00.000 | [Music]
00:00:04.000 | Well, we all hurt others.
00:00:06.800 | That's part of what it means to be a sinner.
00:00:09.500 | And we live with the memories of the ways that we have hurt others.
00:00:13.300 | And it leads to this really humble and sincere question that comes from a listener named Roy.
00:00:19.900 | "Dear Pastor John, I have been reflecting recently
00:00:22.700 | and was reminded of the hurts I have inflicted upon people whom I have crossed paths with in the past.
00:00:29.000 | As much as I would like to seek restoration, the means of doing so are no longer practically possible.
00:00:34.500 | While I believe that in Christ those past wrongs are forgiven,
00:00:38.000 | I can't help but feel a lingering sense of guilt and regret when I bring to mind those incidents.
00:00:44.200 | How do I reconcile the reality that I have been forgiven in Christ for the hurts that I have caused,
00:00:50.000 | of which restoration is no longer possible, and my lingering sense of regret?"
00:00:56.200 | I think the first thing I should say is that probably in this life,
00:01:04.000 | the things we have done wrong that hurt people in the past will always be remembered.
00:01:12.000 | If they are remembered, they'll always be remembered with a sense of regret.
00:01:17.100 | It seems to me it would be a sign of callousness
00:01:20.700 | if we felt no measure of sorrow for the wrongs we've done and the hurts we've caused.
00:01:27.100 | So I don't intend to tell Roy that while he lives in this world,
00:01:32.500 | he can get beyond those feelings of sorrow and regret.
00:01:37.800 | Those are signs of a tender heart, not an unforgiven soul.
00:01:43.500 | The key is this. Will his life be paralyzed by those memories and those feelings of regret,
00:01:51.000 | or will those very feelings empower him with a sense of greater grace,
00:01:59.200 | greater gratitude, greater joy at what he has in Jesus who forgives him?
00:02:06.500 | That's where the Scriptures do indeed help us tremendously.
00:02:11.000 | So Roy is right to be moved by the words of Jesus in Matthew 5, 23.
00:02:18.700 | "If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,"
00:02:23.800 | in other words, if you've really hurt him, "leave your gift at the altar and go,
00:02:28.000 | and first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."
00:02:32.100 | Yes, that's right. Make it right.
00:02:35.100 | If you've stolen something, give it back and apologize.
00:02:38.500 | All kinds of things need to be done to make things right,
00:02:41.000 | and if you're worshiping and brooding and holding a grudge against somebody because of what they did,
00:02:46.200 | then you need to go make that right.
00:02:48.500 | So wherever possible, we do this.
00:02:51.500 | If we've wronged anyone, we should seek to make it right.
00:02:55.000 | But as Roy is pointing out, that's not always possible.
00:03:00.500 | The person we wronged may have died.
00:03:03.300 | They may be utterly inaccessible in some way, in a coma or on the other side of the world.
00:03:09.300 | They may be unwilling to be reconciled.
00:03:11.800 | That's the worst kind of inaccessibility.
00:03:15.100 | Jesus knows all this, and he's not saying that our salvation or even our peace of mind
00:03:23.000 | depends on whether we have access to the people we need to be reconciled with
00:03:29.500 | or whose hurts we need to set right.
00:03:32.600 | The thief on the cross had no opportunity to restore anything that he had stolen for decades.
00:03:40.100 | I mean, he must have stolen from dozens and dozens of people since he is just called a thief.
00:03:46.100 | And yet Jesus said he's going to be in paradise.
00:03:49.200 | He never set one thing right, not one.
00:03:52.200 | Psalm 19 pleads for forgiveness for hidden faults.
00:03:56.000 | Why? Because we can't remember them.
00:03:58.400 | We don't even know what people we've hurt.
00:04:01.600 | And if we can remember some, we can't remember them all.
00:04:04.600 | So let me give a principle from Scripture that might help Roy,
00:04:07.900 | and then a closing illustration from my experience.
00:04:12.600 | 2 Corinthians 8, verses 10 to 12 is talking about a heart intention to be generous with our money
00:04:21.900 | versus the actual opportunity to do so.
00:04:25.100 | And then I'm going to apply this to reconciliation, and you'll see the application.
00:04:29.600 | Here's what he says. "A year ago, you started not only to do this, but also to desire to do it, generous giving.
00:04:38.100 | So now finish it as well, so that your readiness in desiring may be matched by your completing it out of what you have."
00:04:51.600 | And then Paul says this wonderful word of principle.
00:04:56.600 | He says, "For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have."
00:05:12.600 | In other words, if the readiness, if the willingness, in this case to give generously,
00:05:19.600 | but it also applies to willingness to be reconciled.
00:05:22.600 | If the readiness is there for reconciliation and for the repair of wrongs, it is acceptable.
00:05:30.600 | That readiness is acceptable according to the opportunities we have, not according to what we don't have.
00:05:40.600 | There's the principle. That's the rescue of us.
00:05:43.600 | That's what Roy needs to hear.
00:05:45.600 | In the case of money, if you have it, your willingness will be assessed by your giving.
00:05:51.600 | But if you don't have it, God knows your willingness, and he delights in it.
00:05:56.600 | Same thing with reconciliation.
00:05:58.600 | If there's an opportunity, do it.
00:06:01.600 | God will delight in that.
00:06:03.600 | But if there's no opportunity but a great willingness and readiness, God will delight in that.
00:06:12.600 | Now here's my illustration.
00:06:14.600 | I got a phone call years ago from a man who had had a heart attack and knew his life was hanging in the balance and that he could die any day.
00:06:24.600 | And he was calling everybody he could remember that he might have offended and making things right.
00:06:32.600 | And we had a good laugh together because I like this guy a lot, and we used to spar when I was a teacher in college, and we'd get into hot conversations.
00:06:42.600 | And he was worried that I was maybe holding a grudge, and I said, "No way.
00:06:47.600 | I love you. You're fine with me.
00:06:50.600 | Thanks for calling anyway."
00:06:53.600 | So I assured him no ill will.
00:06:56.600 | But that man's acceptance with God and peace with God did not depend on his getting through his list before he died.
00:07:07.600 | And I don't know if he got through his list because he did die.
00:07:10.600 | He did in the next few weeks.
00:07:12.600 | And it doesn't depend on him remembering everybody that should be on the list.
00:07:17.600 | For goodness sakes, how could he ever remember that?
00:07:20.600 | He was a pretty difficult guy to get along with.
00:07:23.600 | He probably made a lot of trouble.
00:07:25.600 | I liked him a lot, though.
00:07:26.600 | The beauty of his action was that it showed a good heart that wanted to make everything right and to hold no grudges and withhold no reconciliation.
00:07:39.600 | And that's what God wanted from him.
00:07:41.600 | That's what God wants from Roy, and that's what God wants from all of us—that kind of ready-to-be-reconciled heart.
00:07:49.600 | Man, what a story from your own life.
00:07:51.600 | Thank you, Pastor John.
00:07:52.600 | And, Roy, thanks for the humble and sincere question.
00:07:56.600 | If you have a question like this for us, go to DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn and send it to us via email.
00:08:04.600 | We respect your privacy, and in many of the most sensitive questions that we get, we keep them anonymous, of course, on the air.
00:08:12.600 | Well, Wednesday, we return to address another doozy of a question.
00:08:17.600 | When do we unfollow our Christian leaders?
00:08:21.600 | When does our loyalty to God override our loyalty to a certain local church?
00:08:27.600 | Wow, that's a big one.
00:08:29.600 | I am your host, Tony Ranke.
00:08:31.600 | Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast.
00:08:33.600 | We'll see you back here on Wednesday.
00:08:35.600 | [end]
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