My Teen Is Sexually Active

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | A heartbroken dad writes in

00:00:06.080 | who has a rebellious 15-year-old daughter.

00:00:09.180 | She will not attend church with the family.

00:00:11.480 | We addressed that topic in episode 1421 live in Nashville.

00:00:16.480 | You might remember we covered that, episode 1421.

00:00:19.680 | This same heartbroken dad has a second question

00:00:21.920 | we have not addressed in the podcast, and it's this.

00:00:24.800 | Hello, Pastor John, and thank you for this podcast

00:00:26.400 | and for your books.

00:00:27.400 | I thank God for your ministry

00:00:29.080 | as it has touched my life and so many others.

00:00:32.120 | My wife and I recently became aware

00:00:33.840 | that our 15-year-old daughter is sexually active.

00:00:38.280 | She was raised in a Christian home,

00:00:40.640 | and we have done our best as Christian parents

00:00:42.360 | to instill in our children

00:00:44.200 | godly traits and characteristics.

00:00:47.360 | How would you approach this

00:00:48.960 | if she was your teenage daughter?

00:00:52.000 | There are very few things

00:00:55.980 | that can compare to the sorrow

00:00:59.040 | of the gut punch that takes your breath away

00:01:03.320 | when you find out that your own son or daughter

00:01:08.280 | is involved in beliefs or practices

00:01:12.960 | which not only go against what you've taught them,

00:01:17.560 | but could ruin both their earthly

00:01:22.440 | and their eternal lives.

00:01:25.120 | You feel helpless as a parent,

00:01:27.360 | angry, fearful, uncertain about what to do,

00:01:32.360 | and deep, deep sadness

00:01:36.000 | at what this could mean for your child.

00:01:39.320 | So I don't blame these parents for reaching out for help

00:01:41.860 | because I would do the same thing.

00:01:43.480 | I have done the same thing.

00:01:45.280 | I'm going to make a few assumptions now

00:01:48.740 | because I can't give any counsel

00:01:51.380 | without assuming some things.

00:01:53.760 | And if the assumptions are wrong,

00:01:56.580 | then you'll need to make the adjustments.

00:01:59.580 | But I hope what I have to say will point in helpful ways,

00:02:03.840 | even if some of my assumptions may not be accurate.

00:02:06.680 | I'm going to assume that your daughter has, at some point,

00:02:11.680 | made some kind of profession of faith in Jesus,

00:02:16.240 | whether she's a real believer or not.

00:02:19.440 | I'm going to assume that she's not so rebellious

00:02:24.280 | that she refuses to talk

00:02:27.320 | or is threatening to run away permanently.

00:02:30.840 | And I'm going to assume that my suggestion

00:02:34.920 | is not the only step I would take,

00:02:37.600 | but that you would make other steps

00:02:40.360 | and I would make other steps as well.

00:02:42.040 | For example, if you know who the boy is

00:02:44.680 | and even know who his parents are,

00:02:47.760 | this could create a situation

00:02:50.560 | that allows for more united involvement

00:02:55.000 | with the parents and the young people,

00:02:57.320 | depending on so many factors.

00:02:58.960 | But that would come after what I'm suggesting here.

00:03:03.720 | So here's what I think I would do.

00:03:05.080 | I'll just list it off to you.

00:03:07.040 | And what's helpful, use.

00:03:08.520 | What's not, ignore.

00:03:10.520 | First, I would weep alone, I'm sure,

00:03:14.200 | and then with my wife.

00:03:16.320 | She needs you, a husband, and you need each other.

00:03:20.240 | Second, I would cry out to God for wisdom and grace

00:03:25.240 | in myself, in my wife,

00:03:27.560 | and I would cry out for the miracle of repentance

00:03:31.240 | in my daughter.

00:03:32.080 | That's a gift of God, according to 2 Timothy 2.25.

00:03:35.880 | Third, I would take hold of several biblical promises

00:03:41.800 | and use them to establish my wobbly heart

00:03:46.360 | and give hope to my wife.

00:03:48.640 | For example, Jeremiah 32.17.

00:03:51.560 | Oh, Lord God, it is you who have made the heavens

00:03:55.920 | and the earth by your great power,

00:03:58.200 | and nothing is too hard for you.

00:04:02.380 | Or Isaiah 41.10.

00:04:04.200 | Fear not, for I am with you.

00:04:06.600 | I will strengthen you.

00:04:08.220 | I will help you.

00:04:10.320 | I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

00:04:14.240 | Or Psalm 103.13.

00:04:16.760 | Just as a father has compassion on his children,

00:04:20.400 | so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.

00:04:25.320 | The fourth thing I would do is to make sure

00:04:27.560 | that I have the facts rather than hearsay.

00:04:31.680 | Those facts would best come from your daughter.

00:04:35.480 | What have you done?

00:04:37.000 | Tell me, who is the boy?

00:04:39.700 | How do you see the relationship?

00:04:42.160 | Who are his parents?

00:04:44.020 | How do you feel about what you did?

00:04:46.760 | What are you doing now, et cetera?

00:04:49.360 | You need facts.

00:04:51.200 | Fifth, I as her father would plan

00:04:54.800 | an overnight weekend getaway to another town

00:04:59.800 | with my daughter alone,

00:05:01.920 | and would rent an Airbnb or hotel with two bedrooms,

00:05:09.340 | and tell her that you plan to take her away

00:05:13.420 | for a couple of days, just the two of you.

00:05:15.960 | There would be no trickery here.

00:05:17.960 | You're not trying to sneak up on her at all.

00:05:20.580 | All is out in the open.

00:05:22.280 | This is about a father and a daughter dealing together

00:05:26.880 | with one of the most important issues they have ever faced.

00:05:30.540 | She should know that upfront.

00:05:32.500 | Sixth, without sharing details,

00:05:35.960 | I would ask two or three closest spiritually mature friends

00:05:40.960 | of mine or you of yours to pray for me in these days

00:05:47.020 | while I take her away and deal with the most difficult thing

00:05:53.860 | I've ever faced, perhaps.

00:05:56.260 | I wouldn't share the details about it with them,

00:05:58.320 | and they'd be the kind of person who wouldn't probe,

00:06:01.140 | but I want their prayer.

00:06:02.360 | Seventh, I would take whatever time is needed

00:06:06.660 | before that weekend to compose a letter to my daughter

00:06:10.780 | about what I want her to hear from my heart to hers.

00:06:14.760 | I would write this down,

00:06:16.340 | and I would plan to read it to her in person, face-to-face,

00:06:20.460 | in some private setting during our getaway.

00:06:24.860 | I would write it from my heart with all the truth

00:06:28.420 | and compassion and multi-layered concern that I feel.

00:06:33.420 | I would probably let my wife read it before I go.

00:06:37.460 | There would be another strategy for her involvement,

00:06:40.100 | which I won't talk about here.

00:06:42.440 | Eighth, the letter would go something like this,

00:06:46.120 | and I can't write the whole thing here.

00:06:48.300 | I'll get it started so that you can get the idea

00:06:50.900 | of the way I would go about it,

00:06:52.840 | because it would be much longer than I can read here,

00:06:55.940 | 'cause there's so many things that need to be touched on.

00:06:58.980 | Let's call her Janet.

00:07:00.220 | I don't know her name.

00:07:01.180 | I'm just making this up, Janet.

00:07:03.440 | Dear Janet, I'm sitting across the table from her

00:07:07.140 | or on a couch.

00:07:08.820 | Someday, Janet, you may be a mother

00:07:11.540 | and have teenagers of your own,

00:07:13.700 | and I am sure that you will love them

00:07:16.660 | with every ounce of your being,

00:07:19.060 | but you will never be a dad,

00:07:22.100 | and so you're gonna have to take my word for this,

00:07:25.420 | that the love of a father for his daughter is very deep.

00:07:30.420 | It's a powerful thing.

00:07:33.420 | You are bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh,

00:07:37.540 | not in a romantic way, like with your mother,

00:07:41.280 | but because you carry my very being

00:07:44.260 | in your body and your mind.

00:07:46.220 | I am one flesh with your mother by God's decree,

00:07:50.040 | but I am one flesh with you by God's design

00:07:53.900 | in the very way you came into being.

00:07:57.500 | Now, let me insert a parenthesis here,

00:07:59.780 | 'cause I have an adoptive daughter,

00:08:02.340 | and I've never had to write a letter like this, thank God.

00:08:05.220 | If I were writing to an adoptive daughter,

00:08:08.660 | I wouldn't say what I just said.

00:08:10.420 | I would say adoptive things that would be just as amazing

00:08:14.940 | and just as powerful because of my having chosen her

00:08:18.860 | like God chose me and lots of other glorious things

00:08:22.060 | about adoption that you can say,

00:08:23.860 | but I'm talking to a daughter here

00:08:26.260 | whose very DNA courses through our blood vessels.

00:08:31.020 | Okay, back to my letter.

00:08:32.880 | I have been placed by God as the one who is most accountable

00:08:37.880 | to provide for you in your youth and protect you

00:08:43.300 | and build into you patterns of life

00:08:46.460 | that will lead you to a joyful and fruitful,

00:08:50.900 | and we pray, eternal life.

00:08:54.700 | I have been your father now for 15 years,

00:08:57.820 | and I have rejoiced to watch God give you life

00:09:02.260 | and health and beauty and intelligence and grace.

00:09:06.580 | With every passing year

00:09:08.580 | and with every passing season of maturity,

00:09:11.700 | I have come to love you more and more.

00:09:14.680 | My concern in the matter of your sexual life

00:09:18.540 | is not mainly, Janet, for my reputation

00:09:22.260 | or the honor of our family or our name.

00:09:26.780 | Those things matter, but my concern, Janet, is you.

00:09:30.860 | I ask you to believe me and to hear what I have to say

00:09:36.580 | as the man who loves you more than any other man

00:09:41.580 | on this earth.

00:09:43.060 | I want your greatest earthly happiness and fruitfulness,

00:09:48.120 | and I want your greatest eternal joy

00:09:50.940 | in the presence of God because of Jesus.

00:09:53.500 | The most important person in this situation right now,

00:09:57.120 | Janet, is not me.

00:09:59.220 | It's not your mother, it's not your boyfriend,

00:10:02.200 | and it's not you.

00:10:03.880 | The main person right now is Jesus Christ.

00:10:07.420 | He is alive.

00:10:08.580 | He upholds the universe by the word of his power.

00:10:12.080 | He is here by his spirit.

00:10:14.200 | He suffered and died,

00:10:16.040 | not just to remove the guilt of our sin,

00:10:18.980 | but to keep us from sinning.

00:10:22.160 | And he has spoken with great love and seriousness

00:10:25.700 | about our sexuality.

00:10:27.900 | This is not about being old-fashioned or new-fashioned

00:10:31.360 | or churchy or non-churchy.

00:10:34.200 | It's about the most important thing in the world,

00:10:37.540 | our relationship to Jesus Christ

00:10:40.180 | and whether we embrace him as our treasure

00:10:43.260 | and submit to his wisdom.

00:10:45.360 | What he said is this, flee from sexual immorality.

00:10:50.160 | Do you not know?

00:10:52.460 | Hear this, Janet, spoken directly to you

00:10:54.660 | from the Lord who died for you.

00:10:56.500 | Do you not know that your body

00:10:59.140 | is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you

00:11:01.700 | whom you have from God?

00:11:03.160 | You're not your own.

00:11:04.780 | You were bought with a price.

00:11:07.360 | So glorify God in your body.

00:11:10.620 | You and I know, Janet,

00:11:12.620 | what that price was that he paid

00:11:16.620 | to keep you pure

00:11:18.640 | and to make you a beautiful reflection

00:11:20.820 | of his glory, his beauty.

00:11:22.420 | That price was the horrific suffering and death

00:11:27.600 | of the one who loved you and gave himself for you.

00:11:30.620 | When Jesus died, Janet, he bought us,

00:11:33.980 | meaning he paid a ransom to free us from the devil

00:11:38.220 | and from sin and from destruction.

00:11:40.620 | It cost him his life.

00:11:42.620 | That's how much he loves you.

00:11:44.980 | That's how much I love you.

00:11:47.360 | I would die for you, Janet.

00:11:48.720 | And Jesus did die for you.

00:11:53.000 | Therefore, he owns you.

00:11:54.600 | You belong to him.

00:11:56.860 | You don't belong primarily to me or your mother

00:12:00.820 | or your boyfriend or yourself.

00:12:03.980 | You belong, body and soul, to Jesus.

00:12:08.380 | And the reason he bought you from sin

00:12:10.620 | was to make known the glory of God's grace

00:12:13.580 | in satisfying your soul forever.

00:12:16.900 | Now, I can't finish this letter.

00:12:18.740 | It would go on for several more pages,

00:12:21.940 | but let me give you the bullet points

00:12:23.780 | of what it would include.

00:12:24.700 | Number one, Janet, it's not too late.

00:12:28.140 | There's forgiveness and cleansing.

00:12:29.420 | Number two, God is able to give you self-control.

00:12:32.940 | Number three, if your boyfriend really loves you

00:12:35.860 | and has character that you can trust,

00:12:39.420 | he'll protect you and keep you.

00:12:41.780 | Never have sex with you again outside marriage.

00:12:45.380 | That's how you can know what kind of man he is.

00:12:47.640 | Number four, sex is beautiful in marriage.

00:12:51.260 | Knitting two souls together very deeply

00:12:53.640 | in permanent covenant.

00:12:54.620 | It's not a vulgar thing.

00:12:55.760 | It's beautiful in marriage.

00:12:57.980 | Five, but outside marriage, you're playing with fire, Janet,

00:13:02.040 | both for spiritual reasons, which are most important,

00:13:04.660 | but also physical disease reasons

00:13:06.740 | and pregnancy reasons and many more.

00:13:09.060 | Six, you're very young.

00:13:11.260 | Desires are very strong,

00:13:13.060 | but those desires are not always the best guide

00:13:15.340 | for your life.

00:13:16.360 | God has given you parents to help you have a longer view,

00:13:21.000 | a wiser view than you can have at 15.

00:13:24.460 | Seven, will you trust us?

00:13:27.500 | And then you'd pray with her,

00:13:29.340 | and how she responds to that letter

00:13:31.020 | will shape what you do next.

00:13:33.560 | But that would be how I would start.

00:13:36.700 | - Heavy.

00:13:37.540 | Thank you, Pastor John,

00:13:38.360 | for walking us through all these options

00:13:39.620 | to illustrate the urgency of this situation.

00:13:42.260 | You can just feel the urgency.

00:13:43.740 | I appreciate it.

00:13:44.820 | We are going to break for the weekend now,

00:13:46.740 | and when we return,

00:13:47.860 | we're gonna hear from a listener

00:13:48.980 | to the podcast named Matthew.

00:13:50.140 | Matthew was saved in college

00:13:52.020 | through a faithful preaching ministry

00:13:53.700 | on his college campus.

00:13:55.140 | He's now graduated and is looking for a new home church

00:13:58.020 | and is being asked about whether or not he's been baptized.

00:14:01.620 | He hasn't been baptized.

00:14:02.940 | He plans to do it.

00:14:04.020 | But first, Matthew wants to know

00:14:05.340 | why are we baptized in the first place?

00:14:07.500 | Why is baptism important?

00:14:10.260 | On the podcast, we haven't addressed this yet.

00:14:11.860 | We will on Monday.

00:14:13.340 | I'm Tony Reinke.

00:14:14.180 | Thank you for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast

00:14:16.460 | with longtime pastor and author and dad, John Piper.

00:14:21.340 | We'll see you on Monday.

00:14:22.540 | (upbeat music)

00:14:25.120 | (upbeat music)

00:14:27.700 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

My Teen Is Sexually Active — What Can I Do?

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