How Far Is Too Far Before Marriage, Spiritually and Emotionally?
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00:00:04.000 | We have an email from Sarah in Fort Wayne, Indiana. She writes, "Hi Pastor John, in
00:00:09.480 | the previous episode, 'How Far is Too Far Before Marriage?'" which was episode 73,
00:00:13.480 | "you answered questions about sexual boundaries before marriage. I'd also like
00:00:17.680 | to know how far is too far emotionally and spiritually before marriage. I've
00:00:21.640 | heard from several people that praying together and reading scripture together
00:00:24.400 | can be dangerous to do as a couple before marriage. What are your thoughts?"
00:00:29.080 | Physical sexual intercourse is the natural, appropriate, longed-for completion
00:00:40.440 | and consummation of emotional and spiritual union. I'm starting with that
00:00:47.680 | conviction. That's why it is so wounding and tragic for men and women to have
00:00:56.640 | purely physical one-night stands or experimental sexual encounters or serial
00:01:03.040 | relationships. Women are made to long for the man she gives herself to to know her
00:01:12.360 | and love her for who she is more than merely her body. A woman feels used and
00:01:23.440 | abused, even in marriage I would say, if she believes this intercourse is just
00:01:32.240 | this man's animal appetite rather than the suitable consummation of a profound
00:01:43.360 | affection bonding, a soul bonding, a personal bonding. And men are made by God
00:01:52.880 | to wield their strength gently and harness their appetites and make them
00:02:00.480 | serve higher and greater things, like deep love for this woman as a
00:02:07.760 | person and a rich union of souls and minds. So sexual union is meant to be the
00:02:18.400 | completion, the climax, the consummation of personal, emotional, spiritual union. It
00:02:27.480 | should be an event in the body. The sexual intercourse should be an event in
00:02:31.280 | the body that corresponds to an event in the soul, in the heart, in the mind. It
00:02:39.720 | doesn't become less physical. I don't give the impression that I'm
00:02:42.080 | over-spiritualizing sexual intercourse, but I believe with all my heart. I've
00:02:46.280 | experienced, I think I could warrant it from the nature of human beings
00:02:51.080 | and from aspects of one fleshness in the Bible. It doesn't become less
00:02:56.120 | physical when you think of it this way. I would say it becomes more physical by
00:03:02.880 | being an organic connection with the totality of personhood. That's the goal,
00:03:07.960 | which is why adultery and fornication and one-night stands and serial
00:03:12.920 | relationships are just so heartbreaking and tragic and damaging and wounding to
00:03:17.720 | the souls of men and women. So now here's the question. What are the
00:03:21.520 | implications of that for soul bonding before marriage? That's what the
00:03:27.080 | question is as I understand it. Here's my answer. A man especially
00:03:30.840 | needs to stay awake to what's happening emotionally and spiritually and
00:03:35.720 | personally in the relationship. Don't take yourself, man or a woman, into a
00:03:43.740 | depth of spiritual emotional bonding that will not consummate in marriage and
00:03:48.920 | sexual union. Be alert that every step deeper into emotional and spiritual
00:03:56.560 | union with a woman's soul is a step toward physical union, that is towards
00:04:02.440 | marriage. Don't take her there. Don't go with her there if this is not moving
00:04:10.000 | towards marriage relationship. It will deeply wound her and you if you
00:04:17.040 | awaken depths of oneness with each other emotionally and then try to just walk
00:04:22.320 | away, walk away from it. Those depths are meant to lead somewhere, namely sexual
00:04:29.200 | intercourse in marriage. So that's why I think, Tony, casual dating, serial dating
00:04:37.840 | is either frustratingly superficial or emotionally painful as each one is
00:04:44.560 | awakened and then the heart is dropped and the thing is broken. So my
00:04:49.800 | advice is once you're on a path of sharing your soul with a future soul
00:04:55.000 | mate and both are realistically moving toward marriage and the consummation in
00:05:02.400 | sexual intercourse, that's where you're heading, a growing soul union towards
00:05:09.880 | sexual relations in marriage, I don't think there are any emotional or
00:05:14.680 | spiritual limits for the engaged couple. In fact, I think it would be a sign
00:05:21.960 | of danger if either said during engagement, "There are things about me or
00:05:29.280 | emotions that I experience that I can't let you know now." That I think would be a
00:05:35.920 | sign of mistrust and a sign of hiddenness which should give them pause.
00:05:42.960 | But here's the thing that needs stressing. I am distinguishing the
00:05:48.400 | physical display of emotion from the emotion itself, and the guideline then
00:05:54.920 | would be don't awaken in each other desires for union beyond what you can
00:06:03.920 | control. This is different from hiding things. You're not hiding anything. This
00:06:09.160 | is a wise, mature, sober judgment about locations and situations that you know
00:06:18.200 | are too explosive for you and your emotions because they could destroy your
00:06:23.200 | restraints and then defile the very purity of the gift that you both want to
00:06:28.960 | give each other on your wedding night. So my answer is no, I don't think there are
00:06:35.520 | emotional, spiritual limits, provided a couple is on their way in growing
00:06:45.120 | commitment toward a wedding and a physical union, and they know the limits
00:06:53.560 | of where they can go with themselves before the emotion takes control and
00:06:58.720 | forces them into bed with each other. Thank you, Pastor John, and thank you for
00:07:03.280 | listening to this podcast. Please email your questions to us at
00:07:06.000 | askpastorjohn@desiringgod.org. At desiringgod.org you will find thousands of
00:07:10.200 | other free resources from John Piper. I'm your host Tony Ranke. Thanks for
00:07:14.160 | listening!
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