How to Argue with Your Spouse

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - Happy Friday everyone.

00:00:06.660 | We're back with Francis Chan,

00:00:07.920 | who joins us again from San Francisco.

00:00:10.280 | Francis and his wife Lisa are the authors of the new book,

00:00:12.920 | "You and Me Forever, Marriage in Light of Eternity."

00:00:17.200 | Francis, how do you and Lisa argue like Christians?

00:00:20.760 | I think some readers of the book will be surprised

00:00:22.720 | that you and Lisa have conflict,

00:00:24.140 | but of course married couples won't be surprised at all.

00:00:26.720 | We all do at some point.

00:00:28.060 | So when it comes to verbal conflicts and disagreements,

00:00:31.560 | what is a core lesson that you have learned

00:00:34.080 | about how to argue with your spouse

00:00:35.920 | in a way that honors Christ?

00:00:38.160 | - Yes, Lisa and I argue.

00:00:40.480 | Honestly, we don't argue that much

00:00:43.960 | because we realize we don't have time for this.

00:00:48.960 | We're on a mission.

00:00:51.040 | She describes it like there's a TV show

00:00:53.520 | called "The Amazing Race"

00:00:55.440 | where couples are racing to get to this finish line

00:00:59.380 | and they're competing with other couples.

00:01:01.960 | But you see certain ones fight

00:01:03.740 | and they start losing ground

00:01:05.580 | and they argue with each other and they lose the race.

00:01:08.540 | And we look at our lives very much like that.

00:01:10.460 | Like there are things for us to do.

00:01:13.040 | And if we, we're here to seek his kingdom,

00:01:16.580 | we're here to make disciples.

00:01:17.780 | And if we spend our time just fighting with each other,

00:01:20.660 | it's gonna keep us from his mission.

00:01:22.880 | And so one of the ways we fight is always realizing,

00:01:25.820 | okay, divorce isn't an option.

00:01:28.220 | And also we don't have a lot of time

00:01:30.820 | to argue about petty things

00:01:32.420 | because we're dealing with eternal things.

00:01:34.820 | And so we keep that in our minds.

00:01:38.020 | Another thing that we keep in mind,

00:01:39.980 | for me, 1 Peter 3 comes to mind

00:01:42.500 | where it tells us husbands to live with our wives

00:01:45.820 | in this understanding way,

00:01:47.580 | to treat her as a fellow heir of the grace of life

00:01:50.880 | so that our prayers may not be hindered.

00:01:53.500 | Okay, if I don't do this right,

00:01:55.060 | God's not gonna listen to my prayers

00:01:56.740 | and I gotta have him hear my prayers.

00:01:59.060 | That's the most important thing in my life.

00:02:01.220 | And so I need to treat her as a daughter of God.

00:02:04.980 | I need to honor her as we speak.

00:02:08.040 | And again, I mean, the biggest word I could say is humility.

00:02:12.020 | I mean, that's what causes all this, right?

00:02:13.860 | A lack of humility.

00:02:16.060 | The goal is becoming like Jesus.

00:02:20.100 | The goal is not winning an argument.

00:02:21.840 | It is pleasing Christ, becoming like Christ.

00:02:24.780 | Most of the time, the person who quote unquote wins

00:02:28.020 | the argument is usually the one who acts least like Jesus.

00:02:31.100 | And so we keep that in mind that,

00:02:33.460 | okay, God opposes the proud.

00:02:36.180 | And so I could win this argument in a sense,

00:02:39.800 | but if I do it in arrogance,

00:02:41.120 | now suddenly I've got God opposing me.

00:02:44.260 | So what did I win?

00:02:46.420 | You know, I'm a loser at that point.

00:02:48.520 | So it's like, okay, humble myself,

00:02:51.620 | treat her like God's daughter,

00:02:53.460 | and remember that, okay, we've got things to do

00:02:57.300 | for the kingdom.

00:02:58.140 | We cannot waste our time arguing about things

00:03:00.980 | that are not eternal.

00:03:02.340 | So let me humble myself.

00:03:03.780 | If it's not a big deal, then just let it go.

00:03:06.380 | Let her have her way.

00:03:08.160 | There's more important things to focus on.

00:03:10.260 | - Thank you, Francis.

00:03:12.460 | We're gonna pick up our conversation next week

00:03:14.260 | because I have two more questions

00:03:15.500 | I'd love to get your thoughts on.

00:03:16.780 | Specifically, how do you manage the time

00:03:19.380 | that your kids have with digital devices?

00:03:22.400 | But next time I wanna hear from you

00:03:23.880 | about the growing trend of couples

00:03:26.100 | who are marrying later and later in life.

00:03:28.840 | What do you think is the cause

00:03:29.960 | and what are the consequences of this trend?

00:03:32.620 | We'll tackle that one on Monday.

00:03:34.400 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:03:35.720 | Have a wonderful weekend.

00:03:37.120 | (upbeat music)

00:03:39.700 | (upbeat music)

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How to Argue with Your Spouse

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