Lecture 2: Marriage and Family Counseling

00:00:00.000 | We want to pick up from where we left off in our last class period together and we were

00:00:11.000 | talking about what is it that Satan knows?

00:00:15.800 | Because we had talked about the fact that the scripture tells us, it makes it very clear,

00:00:20.360 | that our real enemy in this war is Satan and as Ephesians 6 says, it tells us that we don't

00:00:29.680 | wrestle against flesh and blood, but we wrestle against the spiritual forces of darkness.

00:00:38.360 | We have an adversary, as Peter says there in 1 Peter 5, 8, and that Satan is very active.

00:00:49.240 | Satan has declared war on the family and focuses much of his attention on the family because

00:00:58.580 | he knows how important the family is.

00:01:01.320 | We said, first of all, that Satan knows that because the family is the basic building block

00:01:06.340 | of every other social unit or institution, that it is key to God's plan in our day and

00:01:14.640 | age and we also know that Satan knows because the command to multiply, replenish, and fill

00:01:22.280 | the earth was given to a family unit.

00:01:25.240 | How critical, there in Genesis 1 and verse 28, that information is to God's plan and

00:01:34.920 | his redemption.

00:01:35.920 | Thirdly, we know that Satan knows that because the family is unique and irreplaceable in

00:01:41.000 | God's program as well, he will bring along all kinds of opposition against the family.

00:01:50.200 | He will do everything he can to redefine the family, and then that brought us to one of

00:01:57.040 | the last points that we dealt with in our last section, that the family is of utmost

00:02:02.080 | importance to God's program because God starts his revelation to man with extended teaching

00:02:08.340 | about marriage and the family.

00:02:10.900 | He starts his revelation to man with extended teaching about marriage and the family.

00:02:16.240 | We can see this in Genesis chapter 1, Genesis chapter 2, Genesis chapter 3, Genesis chapter

00:02:23.480 | 4.

00:02:24.480 | The first four chapters of Genesis is all about one family, one husband and wife relationship

00:02:32.240 | with two children, two boys, Cain and Abel, Adam and Eve, one family, the first family.

00:02:44.040 | That's where God starts his revelation.

00:02:47.360 | Furthermore, Satan knows that the family is of utmost importance to God's program because

00:02:54.760 | everything else grows out of the family and is dependent upon the family.

00:03:01.640 | Everything grows out of the family and is dependent upon it.

00:03:05.320 | When you think about how many things in your life, the way that you live, right down to

00:03:16.520 | the things that you eat, the way that you dress, the attitudes you have about life,

00:03:23.860 | the older you grow, the more you realize how absolutely dependent upon your family you

00:03:30.040 | were in adopting those attitudes about life and about things.

00:03:36.680 | You find yourself saying the same thing your father said or your mother said.

00:03:40.640 | You say, "Oh my goodness, I'm being just like my mother, being just like my father.

00:03:48.320 | I can hear my father speaking through those words."

00:03:51.280 | Your whole attitude and your perspective on life is driven by that.

00:03:56.440 | They made a profound impact on you.

00:03:58.360 | But Satan understands that and if he can disrupt that particular process, he can do a lot to

00:04:05.640 | disrupt what God's plan is here on earth.

00:04:11.520 | F in your notes.

00:04:13.480 | He also knows that the family is of utmost importance to God's program because distortion

00:04:20.160 | and deficiencies in our families will produce distortions and deficiencies in every other

00:04:26.800 | human institution.

00:04:35.160 | My wife at this particular time is serving on a jury and I'm not allowed to say what

00:04:42.000 | the court case is about at this point, but it's a very, very serious court case and it

00:04:49.680 | has to do with a breakdown in a family, a breakdown in a family, a major breakdown in

00:04:58.320 | a family.

00:04:59.800 | And now this has affected society at large.

00:05:03.500 | When there's a breakdown in a family, it affects society, it affects the court system, it brings

00:05:07.800 | the law into play.

00:05:10.240 | Now judges are involved, lawyers are involved, other social institutions within the state

00:05:19.080 | and the federal government is involved.

00:05:21.640 | All of these things.

00:05:23.080 | When there's a breakdown in the family, there is a breakdown in society at large.

00:05:29.880 | There's an effect upon it.

00:05:31.760 | As the family goes, so goes society, we would say.

00:05:37.120 | And Satan understands that.

00:05:38.880 | And so if he can disrupt the family, he can also disrupt society as well.

00:05:44.880 | See in your notes, Satan also knows that the family is of utmost importance to God's program

00:05:49.400 | because God uses the family as a means of reflecting the communicable aspects of his

00:05:55.320 | nature.

00:05:56.320 | Whose nature?

00:05:58.040 | It's God's nature.

00:05:59.480 | The communicable aspects of his nature.

00:06:02.080 | Now, you know, you've talked about this in systematic theology before.

00:06:07.280 | In systematic theology, there are incommunicable aspects of God.

00:06:11.800 | In other words, there are things that, aspects of God and his personhood that we will never

00:06:16.320 | be.

00:06:17.320 | We will never be omniscient.

00:06:19.400 | Only God is omniscient.

00:06:20.880 | We will never be omnipresent.

00:06:22.740 | Only God is omnipresent.

00:06:25.560 | We will never be omnipotent.

00:06:27.520 | Only God is all powerful.

00:06:30.840 | We'll never be that way.

00:06:32.520 | Those are incommunicable attributes of God.

00:06:35.600 | But there are communicable attributes of God.

00:06:38.560 | God is holy, and to a degree, we are to be holy.

00:06:43.320 | We are to be holy like him.

00:06:45.320 | Now, while we walk this earth, we'll never be perfectly holy.

00:06:50.200 | But God is perfectly holy, and to some degree, while even in our sinful flesh, we can walk

00:06:57.000 | holy.

00:06:58.000 | The Bible expects us to.

00:07:00.640 | God is a God of love.

00:07:03.180 | He loves.

00:07:04.180 | That's part of his personhood.

00:07:06.560 | God is not the force of Star Wars out there in the universe.

00:07:10.040 | No, there are personal attributes to his character.

00:07:15.380 | He loves.

00:07:16.380 | A force doesn't love.

00:07:17.960 | God loves.

00:07:18.960 | And we can love.

00:07:19.960 | That's part of his communicable attributes.

00:07:22.600 | God is a jealous God.

00:07:25.260 | Only his jealousy is absolutely backed up with a pure holiness.

00:07:31.000 | Well, in a similar way, we can become jealous as well.

00:07:37.920 | Like God is jealous, hopefully in a good way, we're jealous for righteousness' sake in that

00:07:46.880 | way.

00:07:47.880 | Now, our own sinful depravity can twist that jealousy into a sinful form of jealousy, agreed,

00:07:53.200 | but that's one of the communicable attributes of God.

00:07:58.040 | Well, you can see this in several aspects, because like him, the Bible says, we have

00:08:09.800 | his image.

00:08:10.800 | In the image of God, he created man, male and female, he created them.

00:08:15.320 | That means both the man and the woman, in their gender distinctiveness, both possess

00:08:25.160 | the image of God.

00:08:27.360 | It's not a physical image, because God is not a physical God.

00:08:32.440 | God is spirit.

00:08:35.180 | But it is an image that has to do with personal attributes.

00:08:42.360 | The animals do not bear the image of God, even though there are some animals that are

00:08:47.480 | more intelligent than other animals.

00:08:49.180 | Man is not an animal, and the basic characteristic that separates him from the animal world and

00:08:55.600 | from the animal kingdom is the fact that man bears the image of God.

00:09:02.080 | Now, secular science would reject this.

00:09:05.600 | Good science, that is, science that's built upon what the scripture says, would back that

00:09:11.560 | up.

00:09:12.560 | So, we bear the image of God, Genesis 1.27.

00:09:15.600 | In fact, I want you to take your Bible and take a look at that for a moment, because

00:09:20.520 | there is actually in the Hebrew, behind the English here, in the Hebrew, a language, there

00:09:26.600 | is a play on singular and plural that happens in verse 26.

00:09:35.040 | It says, "Then God said, 'Let us (plural) make man singular in our (plural) image singular

00:09:43.080 | according to our (plural) likeness singular, and let them rule over the fish of the sea

00:09:48.080 | and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth and over every

00:09:51.960 | creeping thing that creeps on the earth.'

00:09:54.340 | God created man," verse 27, "in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and

00:10:01.280 | female he created them."

00:10:03.400 | Now, verse 27 gives that gender distinctiveness.

00:10:08.080 | And so, the genders were created to complement one another.

00:10:13.440 | Verse 26 tells us how, when it says, "Let us make man."

00:10:17.560 | It's not a reference to the angels, because the angels are not creating, only God is creating.

00:10:25.360 | Most theologians believe that this is actually a reference to, the earliest reference we

00:10:30.560 | have to the Trinity.

00:10:33.480 | So God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, we've seen earlier where the Spirit

00:10:39.880 | of God in verse 2 of Genesis 1 is moving upon the surface of the water, and so we have God

00:10:45.840 | the Father and God the Spirit involved here, but there's the Trinity, later on we find

00:10:50.280 | out in Hebrews 1 and verse 2 that Jesus Christ was a part of the creation of the world, we

00:10:58.240 | understand that, so the Trinity was involved here, God the Father, God the Son, God the

00:11:02.920 | Holy Spirit.

00:11:03.920 | "Let us," plural, God is three persons and yet one God, three persons, co-equal, co-eternal,

00:11:16.880 | and yet one God.

00:11:19.000 | "Let us make man," man here is singular, singular form, "in our," plural, image singular.

00:11:29.400 | So there is a plurality to God and yet we as Christians are still monotheistic according

00:11:41.800 | to our likeness.

00:11:42.800 | So we could say something like this, that God in relationship creates man in relationship

00:11:49.400 | with gender distinctiveness, male and female, essentially brought together as one, we know

00:11:57.360 | that later on in Genesis 2 and verse 24, "they shall become one flesh," the scripture says,

00:12:09.520 | brought together as one, and yet two different genders, a male gender and a female gender.

00:12:17.600 | So there is God in relationship creating man in relationship, male and female He creates

00:12:25.560 | them in His own image, wow, in the image of God He creates them.

00:12:33.880 | Now Satan understands this, man bears the image of God and that image is no better reflected

00:12:43.840 | than in the plurality of heterosexuality and yet the central unity of marriage.

00:12:54.360 | The relationship of marriage no better reflects the unity and plurality of the Godhead than

00:13:03.000 | anything else and Satan understands that.

00:13:06.080 | If he can disrupt that relationship and destroy it, the picture that God has intended for

00:13:15.440 | of Himself is now distorted and it is now destroyed in the eyes of man.

00:13:23.640 | God in relationship creates man in relationship, male and female He creates them and if Satan

00:13:31.400 | can destroy that relationship in terms of the image of God, then he distorts the picture

00:13:38.160 | of who God is.

00:13:40.880 | There is then within this Godhead an essential unity and yet diversity in a similar way in

00:13:49.920 | the marital relationship there is an essential unity and yet there is a diversity of gender

00:13:59.720 | and that is good.

00:14:03.240 | Third, there is also an independence and interdependence.

00:14:12.200 | All three persons of the Godhead are distinctive, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy

00:14:21.000 | Spirit and yet there is an interdependence among them which sometimes in systematic theology

00:14:28.560 | is called the economical aspect of the Trinity where Jesus submits Himself to the Father

00:14:39.320 | and the Spirit submits Himself to the bidding of Jesus Christ so there is a functional subordination

00:14:46.480 | within the Godhead and hence an interdependence between them and yet there is a distinctiveness

00:14:54.140 | of personhood.

00:14:55.760 | In a similar way in marriage there is an independence, male and female, and yet there is an interdependence

00:15:09.280 | for the procreation and propagation of the human race that has to be there.

00:15:18.760 | Homosexual and lesbian relationships will never ever express the unity and diversity

00:15:26.480 | or the independence and interdependence of the heterosexual relationship.

00:15:32.000 | It is not reflective of the Godhead and it destroys that picture.

00:15:39.480 | Fourth, there is an equality and subordination as I've already alluded to.

00:15:46.600 | Just as there are within the Trinity so there is within man.

00:15:50.120 | You can see this reflected not only in the marital relationship of on the one hand there

00:15:55.520 | is an essential equality between the male and female, on the other hand there is a functional

00:16:00.080 | subordination and it's funny how even homosexual and lesbian relationships reflect this because

00:16:06.600 | there is usually a male or leader in a homosexual relationship and someone who of the same sex

00:16:13.640 | who takes on the female role who is more subordinate.

00:16:17.440 | Same thing is true in lesbian relationships.

00:16:19.200 | There is someone who takes on the male role and there is someone who takes on the female

00:16:22.640 | role in those particular relationships.

00:16:25.160 | Someone who is more dominant and someone who is a little bit less dominant and more passive

00:16:30.200 | in the relationship.

00:16:31.680 | So even in that distortion of what God intended to be, they are still reflecting God's original

00:16:41.120 | order.

00:16:42.120 | There is an equality and there is a subordination in the Trinity and there is an equality and

00:16:49.000 | subordination within the husband and wife relationship and marriage as well.

00:16:53.880 | You can see this in parents' relationship to children.

00:16:57.640 | Parents or children are not somehow more equal to each other but the parents have the authority

00:17:02.640 | in the relationship.

00:17:04.360 | You can see this in elders in relationship to the church.

00:17:08.420 | Elders are not more important than anybody else at church and yet the rest of the church

00:17:12.600 | is supposed to have a submissive role in following the leadership of biblically appointed elders

00:17:22.640 | So, in the human domain, there is this equality and subordination as reflected in the Godhead

00:17:31.760 | as well.

00:17:33.000 | Furthermore, in that distinctive relationship, you also have creativity.

00:17:39.360 | "Let us make man" There is that creativity.

00:17:46.080 | Genesis 1.26 "Let us make man"

00:17:51.520 | I list for you here in your notes John chapter 1 and verse 3 and there you remember this

00:17:58.760 | is talking about the main focus is Jesus who has become flesh but it says there in the

00:18:05.600 | gospel of John "All things came into being through him and apart from him nothing came

00:18:10.120 | into being that has come into being."

00:18:12.200 | In other words, who is it talking about?

00:18:15.480 | That is, the Word being Christ.

00:18:22.320 | The Word was with God and the Word was God.

00:18:24.560 | Verse 14 says, "The Word became flesh and dwelt among us and we saw his glory, the glory

00:18:29.200 | as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth."

00:18:32.680 | So it is Jesus Christ who is a part of creating this world.

00:18:43.280 | God is creative.

00:18:44.520 | In the same way when you have a husband and wife relationship and their gender distinctiveness

00:18:48.560 | coming together then that usually results in creative propagation of progeny, children.

00:18:58.920 | So there is an essential creativity that occurs in the husband and wife relationship.

00:19:04.640 | Satan understands that as well.

00:19:06.640 | Furthermore, there is fellowship.

00:19:09.360 | This is what God said in Genesis 2 and verse 18, "It was not good that man be alone.

00:19:16.320 | I will make a helper suitable for him."

00:19:21.440 | The primary reason that Eve was created was not to be a baby factory.

00:19:28.040 | The primary reason that Eve was created was because Adam was alone.

00:19:34.220 | So there is intentionality of fellowship that is supposed to go on there.

00:19:42.040 | We can see the same thing reflected in John 17, 20, and 21.

00:19:47.480 | So Satan understands that the family is of utmost importance to God's program because

00:19:54.040 | God uses the family as a means of reflecting the communicable attributes of his nature.

00:20:03.640 | We understand God better when we view the proper Christian family.

00:20:17.360 | It communicates to us significant parts of his attributes.

00:20:25.200 | Now that's not all that Satan understands.

00:20:28.200 | Satan also understands in this battle, in this warfare, that the family is of utmost

00:20:33.520 | importance to God's program because God uses the family as a means of reflecting the nature

00:20:39.360 | of his relationship with his people.

00:20:43.760 | In fact, God calls himself the husband of Israel.

00:20:49.200 | We can see this in Hosea.

00:20:55.840 | Here is the prophet Hosea and his wife Gomer.

00:21:01.640 | It is the husband and wife relationship that depicts God's relationship with his people.

00:21:08.120 | Hosea is representing God in this sense.

00:21:10.440 | His wife Gomer is representing the people of Israel.

00:21:13.720 | His wife Gomer is an adulteress.

00:21:16.560 | She is selling herself out as a prostitute in much the same way that the people of Israel

00:21:22.720 | were selling themselves out as a prostitute.

00:21:25.480 | God says to Hosea, "I want you to go and be a husband to her."

00:21:31.400 | So God now depicts himself as a husband in relationship with his people.

00:21:36.560 | We understand God better, and we understand that relationship better, and we understand

00:21:41.440 | what happens with God as a grieving husband with a rebellious wife.

00:21:49.320 | We understand what is going on there because the people of Israel were so rebellious.

00:21:55.520 | We can also see that in the New Testament as well.

00:22:00.000 | There in Ephesians 5, verses 22-33, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the

00:22:08.440 | church.

00:22:09.440 | Christ is the husband, and the church is the bride.

00:22:14.240 | Husbands are supposed to love their wives in a similar way.

00:22:16.480 | We can see that in Revelation 19, verse 9.

00:22:21.800 | The marriage supper of the Lamb, where the bride, which is the church, comes together

00:22:29.440 | with the husband, which is Jesus Christ, finally wedded together.

00:22:39.400 | We can also see this in the father-child relationship.

00:22:43.240 | There's another depiction.

00:22:45.760 | This is carried through with God referring to himself as the father, and the people of

00:22:51.700 | Israel as his children, the children of Israel.

00:22:54.240 | That's where that phrase comes from.

00:22:56.640 | For Jesus himself being a father-like figure to the people that are a part of his church,

00:23:11.440 | Romans 8, 12-17, 2 Corinthians 6, 18, John 1, 12, 1 John 3, 16.

00:23:19.080 | We can see that father-child relationship.

00:23:21.280 | So the family now is used as a picture of God's relationship to his people.

00:23:29.840 | Satan understands that.

00:23:31.840 | Satan knows that.

00:23:33.960 | Furthermore, Satan also understands that the family is of utmost importance to God's program

00:23:39.040 | because of the Bible's teaching about the negative impact that an ungodly family member

00:23:44.120 | can have on other family members.

00:23:49.360 | You can see this in several different situations in Scripture, or examples that are given in

00:23:56.840 | Scripture, real life examples.

00:24:03.620 | Let's grab our Bible for a moment and let's go over to Exodus 20 in verse 5.

00:24:15.400 | Here we have the Decalogue, or the Ten Commandments, and in verse 5 it says, "You shall not worship

00:24:21.880 | them.

00:24:22.880 | You shall not serve them.

00:24:23.880 | For I am the Lord your God, and I am a jealous God, visiting iniquities of the fathers, on

00:24:27.560 | their children, on the third and fourth generation of those who hate me."

00:24:32.400 | Those who hate me.

00:24:36.440 | It's a negative impact.

00:24:37.600 | You can see that there.

00:24:39.360 | Or if you go to Joshua 7, there's the example of Achan, and how Achan stole, he directly

00:24:47.920 | disobeyed God.

00:24:49.200 | He hid what he stole underneath his tent, the floor of his tent, supposedly so that

00:24:58.920 | people wouldn't find it, but God understood and God knew, and he judged him, and his whole

00:25:04.400 | family was brought into this betrayal, and as a result of that his whole family was judged.

00:25:13.520 | The negative impact that one member of a family can have upon another member.

00:25:19.100 | We can go over to Proverbs chapter 21 and verse 9, "It is better to live in the corner

00:25:30.120 | of a roof than in the house shared with a contentious woman."

00:25:34.400 | So a woman who decides to be very contentious in her marriage, in her household, makes life

00:25:40.400 | extremely miserable for people to live.

00:25:45.920 | That's hard to live with such a person.

00:25:51.240 | The shoe could be easily put on the other foot too.

00:25:53.840 | A contentious man can be a very difficult person to live with and make life every day

00:26:00.560 | almost unbearable.

00:26:04.400 | Or look down at verse 19, same chapter, where he says, "It is better to live in a desert

00:26:11.720 | land than live with a contentious and vexing woman."

00:26:17.760 | Better to live in a desert land than to live that way.

00:26:21.360 | Have you ever been in the desert?

00:26:22.520 | A couple of years ago we were in Israel and we went down the Negev and the bus driver

00:26:27.920 | stopped for a little while and let us get out.

00:26:31.160 | Our tour guide, one of the profs of IBEX, took us out a little hike into the desert

00:26:37.480 | and we sat there in the scorching heat and a little bit of shade, but it was beastly

00:26:42.760 | hot out there.

00:26:45.080 | And after a little while we were all craving the air conditioning of the bus.

00:26:50.120 | And all that kept going through my mind was, "The people of Israel spent 40 years out here,

00:26:57.960 | and it's hard for me to bear 45 minutes, much less 40 years, my land."

00:27:08.000 | That certainly would test you, but God called that a testing ground for them.

00:27:11.720 | And they grumbled and they complained and they tested God and they tested His patience.

00:27:20.080 | Wow, I probably would have been one of the first to grumble and complain.

00:27:26.080 | I hope not, but after just 45 minutes in the desert, well, here living with a very contentious

00:27:35.840 | and vexing woman is very similar to that.

00:27:38.320 | It's just miserable to live that way.

00:27:42.480 | Or you could, again, put the shoe on the other foot and say the same thing about a contentious

00:27:46.360 | and vexing man.

00:27:47.360 | I know of a lot of guys who are very, very vexing.

00:27:54.560 | I've had to counsel a lot of Christian wives who have to live with some pretty horrible

00:27:57.960 | husbands in a similar way.

00:28:01.940 | So the negative impact that an ungodly family member can have on another family member is

00:28:06.360 | huge, it's just huge.

00:28:10.000 | Well, furthermore, we've got Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 4.

00:28:18.400 | You remember that particular passage because that deals with a father in relationship to

00:28:23.640 | his children, Ephesians 6 verse 4, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but

00:28:35.560 | bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

00:28:46.040 | The word for anger is parogizomai, which is a word that means to make angry.

00:28:53.120 | In fact, it's used in the present active imperative that is a father who, in a sense, brings his

00:29:03.340 | child along to a deep-seated anger, brings his child along to a deep-seated anger.

00:29:16.000 | In fact, there's a preposition that's used here in compound here with this, so it indicates

00:29:26.000 | an ongoing type of direction.

00:29:30.440 | This is the way this treatment is.

00:29:32.260 | It's an ongoing treatment of a man towards his children, and the negative with the present

00:29:41.600 | imperative says, "Don't bring your child up in this angry," or we could translate it,

00:29:51.000 | "exasperated type of lifestyle."

00:29:54.600 | So it's to prevent a habitual action.

00:29:59.960 | Maybe you've seen fathers that are that way, where they're constantly poking at their kids,

00:30:07.380 | maybe not physically or verbally, maybe they're doing it verbally.

00:30:13.780 | They always say hurtful little things that are meant to sound funny, but, "Wow, you're

00:30:23.020 | really stupid, aren't you?

00:30:25.900 | You're dumb.

00:30:28.080 | You're an idiot.

00:30:29.980 | You're the most clumsy person I've ever seen in my life."

00:30:33.700 | When a kid grows up with that kind of thing, where he's getting all kinds of verbal jabs,

00:30:39.700 | that's bringing your child up in an angry, exasperated lifestyle.

00:30:46.560 | It provokes anger in the child, and so that child lives with a constant subset of anger

00:30:53.400 | in his heart towards that father, and he hates it, and later on, turns on his father or causes

00:31:01.620 | him to...

00:31:02.620 | Now, some fathers twist this in the back of their head.

00:31:05.140 | They think, "I'm just teaching my kid to grow up tough," which is a real twisted thing.

00:31:11.180 | Well, that kid's gonna be tough, but that kid's gonna be wicked tough, not righteously

00:31:17.620 | tough.

00:31:20.400 | That kid's gonna explode in anger.

00:31:23.480 | This is the type of kid that will purposely go around and hurt other people.

00:31:27.240 | You bring up a kid with that way, present active imperative, you're constantly making

00:31:33.140 | him angry by the things that you do or the words that you say, then there's gonna be

00:31:43.160 | a reaction at some particular point.

00:31:47.680 | You can see the same thing in Colossians 3, in verse 21.

00:31:53.000 | Let's go over to Colossians 3, 21.

00:31:55.480 | It says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children," there it is, "so that they will

00:32:01.480 | not lose heart."

00:32:05.880 | The word here, to lose heart, means that they've given up hope.

00:32:11.600 | They've lost hope that anything is ever going to change in life.

00:32:22.600 | They have been the type of kids who have had their hopes removed and dispelled.

00:32:35.400 | They are sad kids who are given to depression, or it may result in overt rebellion, or it

00:32:55.120 | may result in a passive form of rebellion.

00:33:01.400 | But there's that exasperated lifestyle, Colossians 3, 21, a child who's lost heart.

00:33:10.000 | There's nothing left.

00:33:11.560 | For him, life is nothing but emptiness because the father has done nothing but irritate that

00:33:17.240 | child for years.

00:33:24.200 | Maybe some of you grew up in households like that.

00:33:26.800 | Maybe your father was that way.

00:33:32.080 | You grew up with a father who was not a believer and he provoked you all the time, or maybe

00:33:45.520 | your father was a professing believer and he still provoked you.

00:33:51.480 | That is a miserable way to grow up; it's a horrible way to grow up.

00:33:57.600 | Well, Satan understands that.

00:34:00.680 | He understands that certain family members can have negative impacts.

00:34:06.960 | There can be ungodly husbands, or ungodly wives, or ungodly children, or ungodly parents

00:34:14.200 | that can have negative impacts upon other people's lives that affect them.

00:34:19.160 | We also see this in Proverbs 14, in verse 1.

00:34:27.040 | Here it talks about, this is again a reference to a woman and the way she directs her house.

00:34:36.900 | The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.

00:34:44.640 | Over in chapter 12, in verse 4, an excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she

00:34:49.980 | who shames him is like rottenness to his bones.

00:34:56.800 | A woman has a huge impact upon the disposition of her household, huge.

00:35:06.040 | You've heard that old saying, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

00:35:09.600 | Well, that's sort of what this is saying.

00:35:15.840 | If mama is an unhappy, angry person who is always attacking other people and tearing

00:35:25.540 | them down, the Bible calls that type of woman a foolish woman.

00:35:36.360 | If she shames her husband, does shameful, disgraceful things, she is like rottenness

00:35:44.160 | to his bones.

00:35:45.200 | But an excellent wife is like a crown to her husband.

00:35:51.040 | That's like saying, some of you guys have favorite hats you like to wear because you

00:35:55.200 | just think you look really good in that hat.

00:35:58.000 | Well, in the same way, a really God-honoring, loving wife is like a great hat.

00:36:08.760 | You want to display that wife everywhere.

00:36:12.200 | You want to show her off to other people because she honors you.

00:36:19.240 | You love that.

00:36:20.600 | That's why you take her to class.

00:36:22.600 | You want to show her off, there you go.

00:36:26.760 | That's good.

00:36:27.760 | You get credit for that there.

00:36:32.360 | That's right.

00:36:35.520 | So a godly woman is like that.

00:36:39.160 | And a wise woman, rather than tearing her family members down, does everything she can

00:36:43.920 | in order to build them up.

00:36:45.040 | Now, this is not a self-esteem verse.

00:36:47.240 | It's not the idea where you're trying to build up somebody's self-esteem.

00:36:50.320 | The idea is you're doing that which is beneficial to their long-term spiritual welfare.

00:36:56.080 | That's what you're doing.

00:36:57.080 | A godly woman does that.

00:36:58.080 | A wise woman does that.

00:37:00.120 | She does that which is beneficial to their long-term spiritual welfare.

00:37:04.720 | This is not building up some kind of sinful self-esteem thing.

00:37:09.280 | That's not the idea.

00:37:10.280 | All right.

00:37:11.280 | So Satan understands this.

00:37:12.280 | Satan also knows that the family is of utmost importance to God's program because of the

00:37:15.880 | Bible's teaching about the important functions that the family is to fulfill in the lives

00:37:20.160 | of its members.

00:37:22.240 | Everybody has a function, an important function there.

00:37:26.480 | We can see that in Ephesians chapter 5 verses 25 through 27 where Paul talks about husbands

00:37:35.800 | loving your wives just as Christ loved the church.

00:37:39.640 | Later on in verse 27, "That he may present her to himself in all of her glory, having

00:37:43.660 | no spot or wrinkle or such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless."

00:37:53.040 | In other words, a husband is supposed to be a benefit to his wife so that his relationship

00:37:58.000 | to her builds her up in holiness and blamelessness.

00:38:05.000 | It builds her up in the right way.

00:38:07.440 | That's the way a husband should be.

00:38:08.440 | Genesis 2, 18, "It's not good for a man to be alone, but I will make a helper suitable

00:38:12.360 | for him."

00:38:13.360 | Proverbs 31, you've got the virtuous woman and the characteristics of the virtuous woman.

00:38:18.760 | Proverbs 14, we already saw where the wise man builds her house up, but the foolish woman

00:38:24.640 | tears it down.

00:38:26.520 | And Proverbs 12, 4 talks about the woman who is a crown to her husband, but then the one

00:38:31.880 | who is disgraceful or shameful is rottenness to his bone.

00:38:35.080 | When you see the same thing in the illustrations that are used in Psalm 127 and 128 and Psalm

00:38:40.600 | 112, as well as Proverbs 14, 26, and 27, there's all examples.

00:38:49.320 | So Satan understands this, and he also understands that the family is of utmost importance to

00:38:55.360 | God's program because of the important roles that the family life is given among the requirements

00:38:59.920 | for leadership in the church.

00:39:01.480 | In fact, you can't be a leader in the church without having your relationship to your wife

00:39:07.640 | and your children right.

00:39:09.640 | That's at the top of that qualification.

00:39:11.800 | First Timothy 3, you can see the same thing in First Timothy 5, 10.

00:39:17.040 | A man has a responsibility to support his household.

00:39:24.640 | Satan also knows that the family is of utmost importance to God's program because of the

00:39:27.840 | way that God connects family relationships to our relationship with Him.

00:39:33.600 | We can see this in Ephesians 5, 18, where it says, "Don't be drunk with wine," which

00:39:39.440 | leads to debauchery, but be filled with the Holy Spirit, and then a direct outgrowth of

00:39:45.760 | that is the relationship of the husband and the wife has to do with interpersonal relationships

00:39:51.960 | there.

00:39:52.960 | You can see that in 1 Peter 3, 1-6, where Peter talks to women who are married to unbelieving

00:40:00.240 | husbands or at least husbands who act like unbelievers, that the way that you win them

00:40:07.320 | over is without words by the behavior of their wives.

00:40:09.880 | We're going to talk about that more later.

00:40:13.120 | First Peter 3-7, Peter talks to Christian husbands married to unbelieving wives.

00:40:20.400 | How are you supposed to relate to the unbelieving wives, especially the wife who brings suffering

00:40:25.280 | into your life?

00:40:27.240 | It's that Proverbs 12, 4 woman who brings rottenness to your bones.

00:40:31.840 | How are you supposed to live with that kind of a woman who does that kind of thing?

00:40:38.340 | So Satan understands that.

00:40:40.520 | Furthermore, Satan understands that the family is of utmost importance to God's program because

00:40:44.600 | the Bible teaches that the family demands top loyalty next to God and His kingdom.

00:40:51.840 | We can see that in Ephesians 5, 22-23.

00:40:55.960 | Our first relationship is to God, then it is to our husband or our wife and our children.

00:41:01.600 | We can see that in 1 Timothy 5, 8, Colossians 3, 17-19, 1 Peter 3, 1-7.

00:41:10.040 | So our relationship to God is first, then comes our relationship to our husband or wife

00:41:21.680 | or our kids.

00:41:22.680 | In fact, that is the very thing that sets the tone for our relationship to our husbands

00:41:28.520 | or to our wives or to our children.

00:41:31.840 | So I say again, the answer to the question that we started in our last class period,

00:41:37.320 | "What is the family?" is tremendously important for all the reasons that we have talked about,

00:41:45.320 | but especially for this one, that Satan is opposed to the biblical concept of the family

00:41:52.280 | because of the important role that the family plays in the program of God.

00:41:59.000 | Satan is opposed to it.

00:42:01.840 | If we resist Satan, then part of that resistance of Satan is having godly families.

00:42:08.360 | As pastors, helping our flock or shepherding them in such a way that they understand what

00:42:15.240 | it means to be a godly husband, they understand what it means to be a godly wife, they understand

00:42:18.960 | what it means to be godly parents, they understand what it means to be godly children, shepherding

00:42:25.600 | them in that way.

00:42:28.920 | And now, having emphasized the importance of this question, we're going to turn to the

00:42:35.640 | actual question itself.

00:42:38.320 | What does the Bible say is the definition of the family?

00:42:46.240 | Let's pick up and talk about what is the family.

00:42:50.280 | We left off with this question, and we've talked about how important this particular

00:42:57.760 | question is, but we need to define it biblically.

00:43:00.680 | If we look at this from a biblical standpoint, the first and primary thing we have to look

00:43:05.520 | at is what the Bible calls "spiritual family."

00:43:12.960 | There are really two kinds of family described in the Bible, and the first is a spiritual

00:43:19.600 | family.

00:43:21.760 | Now, what are we talking about here?

00:43:25.760 | Well, according to 1 Timothy, chapter 3, verse 15, Ephesians 2, verse 19, 3.15, John 1.12,

00:43:40.440 | and Galatians 3, there are several verses here in the scripture that refer to Christians

00:43:46.800 | as the family of God, or as sons or children of God.

00:43:55.760 | So in eternity, we belong to a family, and for us as believers, it's all the same family.

00:44:09.040 | God is the Father, we are His kids, and He directs all the affairs of the family.

00:44:19.520 | Now that's not the only spiritual family that's out there.

00:44:23.840 | The Bible also talks about another spiritual family, and it does so in John 8, verses 38-44,

00:44:35.680 | and here, Jesus refers to this other spiritual family in His interaction with a group of

00:44:41.240 | people.

00:44:42.640 | He does the same thing in Matthew, chapter 13, verse 38, and He talks about the children

00:44:51.160 | of the wicked one, or the children of the devil.

00:44:57.000 | The children of the wicked one, or the children of the devil, that's a second type of spiritual

00:45:01.960 | family.

00:45:04.560 | Now these are believers, and in verse 39 of Matthew 13, He identifies the wicked one

00:45:12.480 | as the devil.

00:45:15.220 | In Acts 13.10, there's another reference to this other spiritual family, and Paul confronts

00:45:25.640 | the man by the name of Elimeas, and he refers to him as a child of the devil.

00:45:38.240 | First John chapter 3, verse 10, tells us that all who are not children of God are children

00:45:44.200 | of the devil.

00:45:46.920 | All who are not children of God are children of the devil.

00:45:52.120 | So the Bible talks about spiritual families.

00:45:56.340 | In a sense, this is the greater reality, and when you read psych textbooks on marriage

00:46:05.240 | and the family, or sociology textbooks on marriage and the family, nothing is talked

00:46:10.000 | about in regards to spiritual families.

00:46:13.680 | Even in a lot of integrational family material, there's nothing talked about in terms of spiritual

00:46:17.180 | families.

00:46:18.540 | But here, the Bible gives a lot of information on spiritual families, and it's almost totally

00:46:22.920 | neglected.

00:46:24.660 | But it's an important aspect.

00:46:26.340 | You get some aspect of the spiritual family within the local church because you are brothers

00:46:31.820 | and sisters in the local church, and you get a little foretaste of what heaven is supposed

00:46:37.600 | to be like when the church is functioning in a holy and God-honoring way.

00:46:44.160 | Spiritual taste of heaven, brothers and sisters interacting, caring for one another, loving

00:46:48.600 | one another, praying for one another, supporting one another, encouraging one another, edifying

00:46:53.900 | one another, building one another up.

00:46:56.780 | That's what the church should be doing.

00:47:01.040 | That's the spiritual family.

00:47:03.660 | Long after your husband or your wife passes away, you still have a spiritual family.

00:47:14.500 | That's an important family.

00:47:20.060 | And when you die and go to heaven, or if Christ returns first, you will join up with your

00:47:28.860 | eternal family.

00:47:31.580 | That's the broader context of what the family is supposed to be.

00:47:40.080 | Now that's not the only kind of family the Bible talks about.

00:47:42.900 | The Bible also talks about a second type of family.

00:47:47.380 | In this particular case, it's talking about what we would refer to as biological families

00:47:53.560 | or physical families.

00:48:00.220 | And here, even in physical families, we have two distinct kinds of physical families.

00:48:11.420 | The Bible refers to extended families.

00:48:17.700 | This is the family that is described today as the extended family and would include grandparents

00:48:22.740 | and uncles and aunts and cousins and great grandparents and so on.

00:48:31.340 | First cousins, second cousins, depending on where you come from, aunts or aunts, and uncles.

00:48:49.180 | So there's this extended family.

00:48:51.620 | You can see this in Judges 6.15 and Genesis 10.5 and following, Luke 2.4, 1 Timothy 5,

00:48:59.300 | Mark 7, extended families that go beyond just a husband and wife relationship.

00:49:08.400 | But there is another type of family as well that the Bible recognizes that is described

00:49:15.740 | today as the nuclear family.

00:49:21.860 | This unit is the traditional nuclear family consisting of a husband and his wife along

00:49:30.120 | with unmarried children who are living with them and for whom they bear important child-rearing

00:49:36.100 | responsibilities.

00:49:40.940 | That's the family units that are talked about in Genesis 2.24, Psalm 128 verses 1-4, Ephesians

00:49:47.900 | 5.22-6.4, Colossians 3.18-21, 1 Peter 3.7, all of those.

00:49:59.340 | So broadly, we would say this, the Bible divides family and the concept of the family down

00:50:04.020 | into two broad categories.

00:50:05.580 | There are spiritual families and there are physical families.

00:50:08.820 | And within both of those, there are two categories.

00:50:12.540 | One is the family of God and the other one is the family of Satan and the spiritual family.

00:50:17.620 | In the physical family, there are extended family members and then there are immediate

00:50:22.100 | family members or the traditional nuclear family of a husband and wife and children.

00:50:30.300 | You don't have to have children in order to have a family unit or home in the Bible.

00:50:39.920 | But that is what is referred to as the family.

00:50:46.480 | So we could say this, that our first answer to the question here, what is the family?

00:50:55.560 | What is the Biblical concept of the family, would be that from God's perspective, there

00:51:01.200 | are basically only two kinds of families.

00:51:04.160 | Spiritual families as well as physical families.

00:51:08.640 | Two broad types of family.

00:51:13.040 | And you belong to both types of family.

00:51:16.160 | Whether you're a Christian or not, you either belong to the family of God or the family

00:51:21.920 | of Satan.

00:51:29.400 | If you are born into the world and you grew up with people, whether they were your biological

00:51:37.000 | parents or not, you have a family relationship there and you usually have also extended family

00:51:47.560 | members that you may not be biologically related to, but they are nonetheless a part of the

00:51:55.240 | family.

00:51:56.560 | Now, there are also several more specific facts about what the family is and what it

00:52:04.760 | should be from God's perspective.

00:52:08.400 | What the family is and what it should be from God's perspective.

00:52:13.360 | What is it?

00:52:15.000 | What should it be?

00:52:17.880 | Well, first, the Bible teaches that the family is God's antidote to loneliness.

00:52:27.280 | It's a place where the deepest kind of friendships are formed and experienced.

00:52:34.440 | The family is God's antidote for loneliness.

00:52:45.620 | We can see this in Genesis chapter 2 and verse 18.

00:52:50.400 | I want you to grab your Bible and let's go back there.

00:52:54.640 | And we're going to actually elaborate on this verse a little bit more later on in our class.

00:53:03.200 | But let's at least get familiar with this now.

00:53:08.120 | "Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone.

00:53:12.360 | I will make him a helper suitable for him.'"

00:53:19.400 | So after God created Adam, he said it's not good for Adam to be alone and this is the

00:53:27.160 | occasion or the setting we would say, or the rationale behind giving Adam a gender complement.

00:53:38.960 | That is Eve.

00:53:40.680 | Why?

00:53:41.840 | Because Adam was alone.

00:53:44.720 | He needed fellowship.

00:53:48.580 | He needed someone to interact with and this is made much more poignant in the verses following

00:53:56.080 | verse 18.

00:53:57.080 | We can see this in verses 19 and 20.

00:53:59.120 | It says, "Out of the ground, the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every

00:54:03.080 | bird of the sky and brought them to the man to see what he would call them.

00:54:06.720 | And whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name.

00:54:11.760 | The man gave names to all the cattle and to the birds of the sky and to every beast of

00:54:15.040 | the field.

00:54:16.040 | But for Adam, there was not found a helper suitable for him."

00:54:20.980 | Now the Hebrew word for helper suitable is the word ezer kanigno, actually a compound

00:54:26.760 | word.

00:54:27.760 | Ezer kanigno, a suitable helper, a fitting completer, an ezer kanigno.

00:54:33.720 | For several years, I used to call my wife my little ezer kanigno.

00:54:37.640 | Some people who didn't know Hebrew thought I was cursing at her.

00:54:39.840 | I wasn't.

00:54:40.840 | It was a term of endearment.

00:54:42.400 | In other words, she was a fitting help.

00:54:47.440 | One who completed me.

00:54:51.040 | That's who she was.

00:54:52.040 | She was someone ideally suited for me.

00:54:57.240 | You can see here within context, he acknowledges in verse 18, there's no suitable helper, there's

00:55:02.760 | no ezer kanigno for Adam.

00:55:04.960 | In verse 20, he comes back to the fact there is no ezer kanigno for Adam.

00:55:09.560 | And in between this, Adam spends all of his time naming the animals.

00:55:13.800 | Which by the way, shows you the incredible intelligence of Adam, far more intelligent

00:55:19.040 | than Einstein or anyone else that the world has produced.

00:55:26.160 | Because to be able to name all the animals on the planet, and to remember and not repeat

00:55:34.960 | any of those names, and if he named them based upon common semantic ways that they would

00:55:45.480 | name their children, or name creatures, he probably named the animals based upon the

00:55:51.960 | most common characteristic of that animal.

00:55:55.320 | But he was able to remember all of that and do that all in one day, and there are a whole

00:56:01.360 | species of animals that are passed out of existence since the time of Adam, and even

00:56:06.320 | a lot of the species that are still alive on earth today, or there are species that

00:56:10.240 | are still alive on earth today, that we have never named yet.

00:56:14.080 | We're still finding them.

00:56:15.880 | I love to watch all those history and science channels on the TV, and they're always talking

00:56:20.280 | about all these new types of animals that they're finding in the outer reaches of the

00:56:27.840 | Amazon jungle, or Honduras, way up in the mountains.

00:56:35.960 | Some new kind of species of rat, or rock badger, or in the depths of the sea, some new species

00:56:44.520 | of fish.

00:56:46.240 | Well, Adam was able to name all the animals, and remember all those names, and he was able

00:56:55.600 | to do that in one day.

00:56:57.360 | You understand the intelligence that it took for Adam to do that kind of thing.

00:57:01.880 | Now, why does God say there was no Azirconigno for Adam, and then he has him name all the

00:57:10.000 | animals?

00:57:15.000 | What does he do that?

00:57:17.280 | Well, because at the end of the day, Adam realized, after seeing Mr. and Mrs. Giraffe,

00:57:25.000 | and Mr. and Mrs. Hippopotamus, and Mr. and Mrs. Skunk going by all day long, after seeing

00:57:30.920 | all of that, Adam realized, even though the animal was teeming with life, he was still

00:57:36.000 | alone.

00:57:37.000 | He understood that.

00:57:39.480 | This becomes a gigantic object lesson for Adam.

00:57:44.640 | It's huge.

00:57:46.720 | And so, this is where God now creates Eve, verse 21, "For the Lord God caused a deep

00:57:57.740 | sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept, and he took one of the ribs and closed up

00:58:02.040 | the flesh at that place."

00:58:05.200 | So God creates Eve.

00:58:07.600 | Now Adam has a complement.

00:58:10.080 | None of the animals in the world complemented him.

00:58:14.000 | Eve does.

00:58:15.000 | She is his perfect Azirconigno.

00:58:17.720 | She is his perfect gender complement.

00:58:21.480 | She is exactly what he needed.

00:58:25.080 | Wow.

00:58:26.740 | This is what Adam wanted.

00:58:29.560 | So the point is that Adam was alone, even though the whole earth was teeming with life,

00:58:35.640 | with animals.

00:58:36.640 | You know, we have that saying that the dog is man's best friend.

00:58:40.800 | Well, that's not true.

00:58:44.600 | The woman is man's best friend, according to the Bible, not the dog.

00:58:51.000 | And the two are not the same thing.

00:58:54.160 | You don't pet her.

00:58:57.040 | No, not the same thing.

00:59:00.080 | She is his gender complement.

00:59:04.720 | Now, grab your Bible and let's go over to another passage.

00:59:09.480 | Let's go over to Psalm 68 and verse 6.

00:59:14.640 | Here's an interesting little passage.

00:59:22.760 | It's a Psalm of David and he says, "God makes a home for the lonely.

00:59:32.640 | He leads out the prisoners into prosperity.

00:59:36.520 | Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land."

00:59:40.560 | In other words, the marriage relationship was made for lonely people.

00:59:48.400 | The home was designed for lonely people.

00:59:55.320 | The home is God's antidote for loneliness.

01:00:01.920 | It's the place of fellowship.

01:00:05.440 | It's a place of intimacy.

01:00:08.380 | It's a place where a husband and a wife can be themselves and not fear any judgment or

01:00:17.140 | reprisal.

01:00:19.300 | And it is a sorry state that a lot of homes get into, an ungodly state where they dread

01:00:25.540 | being around one another and they hate one another and they criticize one another.

01:00:30.780 | That's not the way the home is supposed to be.

01:00:32.540 | The home is supposed to be a place for the lonely.

01:00:36.660 | That's a good thing.

01:00:41.340 | When you're single for a long time and you desire to be married, you understand that

01:00:49.260 | loneliness.

01:00:50.580 | Or all you have to do as a pastor is talk to the widows or widowers in your congregation.

01:00:57.180 | You want to talk about loneliness?

01:00:59.460 | These are people who probably have had great marriages for several years and they've lost

01:01:04.860 | their lifelong spouse and they have this far off look in their eye like "I don't know what

01:01:14.400 | my place in this world is anymore.

01:01:18.540 | I don't know where I belong."

01:01:22.700 | They're gone.

01:01:25.860 | That's a sad situation.

01:01:30.620 | God has a place for the lonely and the place is the home and the family.

01:01:39.820 | >> I've got a question with a man in our ministry now who is a divorced man and he keeps talking

01:02:02.700 | about how he's lonely, so lonely.

01:02:03.700 | He's longing for that companionship, which is a good thing.

01:02:04.700 | But how do you balance that good desire for a companion, a spouse, and that relationship

01:02:05.700 | with trusting in God, finding your satisfaction in God, especially at that stage of life?

01:02:12.040 | >> That's a really good question.

01:02:13.040 | Let me see if I can repeat it.

01:02:15.720 | You're asking the question about a divorced man in your church who expresses the fact

01:02:20.580 | that he has this deep sense of loneliness now.

01:02:24.340 | And how do you balance that with the fact that that deep sense of loneliness with, well,

01:02:32.600 | how did you express that with?

01:02:36.020 | >> How do you balance that loneliness with finding satisfaction in God?

01:02:40.300 | >> Oh, finding satisfaction in God, yeah.

01:02:43.780 | And it's good that you put it that way because that's really going to be the struggle because

01:02:49.700 | if his desire to be married overrules his desire to be God's kind of man, then that

01:02:55.820 | becomes an idolatrous desire and it becomes an ungodly desire.

01:03:00.880 | His first desire has got to be I want to be God's kind of man, whatever he chooses, whatever

01:03:04.980 | God chooses to bring into my life.

01:03:07.060 | If that means a life without a wife, then that's what that means.

01:03:12.140 | And I've learned to be satisfied in him.

01:03:15.640 | But is it wrong for him to have a desire to be married?

01:03:19.660 | No it's not.

01:03:20.660 | It's not wrong.

01:03:22.020 | But he's got to keep that desire in check by being God's kind of man first and foremost

01:03:29.540 | in his desire to be married.

01:03:32.100 | In other words, if he gets married just on the basis of that desire, it would be a very

01:03:39.340 | selfish marriage.

01:03:41.340 | Because he would be getting married with that desire, that is, desire to get married, to

01:03:47.980 | overcome his loneliness, would be based upon the fact that I'm marrying this woman so she

01:03:53.700 | can keep me happy.

01:03:55.820 | I don't feel alone anymore.

01:03:57.820 | Well, that's the wrong ultimate reason to be married.

01:04:03.940 | The ultimate reason to be married is I'm going to marry her so that I can serve her.

01:04:07.740 | And by the way, she's going to be a companion to me.

01:04:10.900 | But I'm going to serve her.

01:04:12.740 | So if he doesn't keep his priorities right by being God's kind of man first and only

01:04:16.900 | secondly desiring to be married, then if he does get married, he's going to marry for

01:04:22.540 | all the wrong reasons.

01:04:25.620 | So he's got to keep that, and you as a pastor need to help him understand that because he's

01:04:31.500 | setting himself up for a disaster.

01:04:33.340 | God could send along somebody for him to get married, and then he marries for the wrong

01:04:37.500 | reason.

01:04:38.500 | It becomes a very selfish marriage and becomes very evident to his wife that he married her

01:04:43.300 | for what she can do for him, not for what he can do for her.

01:04:49.420 | So I think that keeping that in perspective will help him a lot.

01:04:55.100 | That's a good question though because in my ministry in the past as a pastor, I can remember

01:05:01.220 | situations like that.

01:05:03.140 | Now most of them that stand out in my mind are people who are widowed or widowers.

01:05:07.580 | Those are the ones where I think if they've had really good marriages that are part of

01:05:13.140 | the past, I mean, you can see the loneliness in their eyes.

01:05:17.940 | You can see it.

01:05:18.940 | And they'll honestly say to you as a pastor, "You know, I'm not suicidal or anything like

01:05:24.580 | that, but I really long for heaven," because they miss that companionship, and they don't

01:05:30.260 | have it anymore.

01:05:33.740 | And as a pastor, I just say, "Hey, I agree with you.

01:05:37.580 | I understand.

01:05:38.580 | I fully...

01:05:39.580 | I'm there."

01:05:40.580 | In the meantime, let the body of Christ minister to you as much as possible, and do what you

01:05:46.500 | can.

01:05:47.500 | There's obviously a reason that God has you here on earth after your spouse is gone.

01:05:51.060 | So let's make the most of that for this particular time.

01:05:54.020 | Don't dwell in self-pity because I don't have a companion anymore.

01:05:59.260 | Self-pity becomes an excuse for sin.

01:06:02.860 | Don't dwell in that.

01:06:04.460 | And you can help them.

01:06:05.460 | You can coach them along in that way, but I fully understand what you're talking about

01:06:11.700 | there.

01:06:12.700 | Well, let's see if we can go to another passage here.

01:06:16.180 | Grave Revival, let's go over to Proverbs, Proverbs 2, and verse 17.

01:06:23.020 | And you notice, here's a word, a reference to marriage that refers to marriage as a covenant.

01:06:31.460 | Verse 17 says, it talks about this strange woman who is the adulteress, and verse 17

01:06:37.500 | says, "that leaves the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God."

01:06:44.340 | So marriage here is referred to as a covenant.

01:06:48.960 | Now I know that there are a lot of people out there in the Christian realm that want

01:06:52.220 | to extend that covenant relationship out into the engagement period.

01:06:56.820 | Boy, I resist that intensely.

01:07:00.060 | When you're engaged, you're not making a covenant, not in an official miracle sense.

01:07:06.040 | That's not what's going on.

01:07:07.840 | Only when you get married at a wedding ceremony are you making that.

01:07:11.860 | If you're making that covenant when you agree to get engaged, then why do you even have

01:07:16.500 | to go through a marital wedding?

01:07:19.140 | You shouldn't have to go through it, because you've already made the covenant, it's supposed

01:07:22.460 | to be a lifetime.

01:07:23.460 | No, no, no.

01:07:24.460 | The engagement period of time is intended as a time to see, all right, we're gonna seriously

01:07:31.240 | talk about marriage and putting our lives together, is this going to work?

01:07:34.460 | And it's a time to back out if it's not going to work.

01:07:38.200 | It's a time to implement discernment, judgment, and wisdom.

01:07:42.500 | You don't extend that covenant over the engagement period.

01:07:49.060 | The covenant begins at marriage.

01:07:51.960 | The Bible's very clear about that.

01:07:54.160 | And you understand that the Hebrew word for covenant is the word "burrit," and it is,

01:07:59.440 | it's not burrito, that's Mexican, but it's burrit, okay?

01:08:03.720 | And it means, the idea is to cut a covenant.

01:08:07.560 | And back in ancient times, when they made agreements, they didn't sign papers.

01:08:13.940 | They would take an animal, and they would slaughter the animal, and they would slice

01:08:19.400 | that animal down in half, and the two parties making the agreement would walk between the

01:08:25.080 | two halves of that animal, and in that way, they were making a covenant before God, saying,

01:08:30.600 | if we were to break this covenant, may God do to us what has been done to this animal.

01:08:36.600 | May God split us in half, or me personally in half.

01:08:41.840 | That's the agreement.

01:08:42.840 | That's a very graphic thing, to take a sheep or a lamb and to split that thing in half,

01:08:50.040 | and to walk between the two halves of that, was a very memorable covenant.

01:08:56.720 | And that's where the idea of cutting a covenant comes from.

01:09:00.240 | So it's a very sacred thing, okay, which meant the taking of a life, in this case, the life

01:09:06.920 | of an animal.

01:09:08.480 | So the implication is, if we were to ever break this covenant, may God take our life.

01:09:15.960 | May God do the same thing to me.

01:09:19.900 | So here, marriage is referred to as a covenant.

01:09:23.880 | And notice how it talks about the fact that when a woman commits adultery, or a man for

01:09:29.040 | that matter, what they have done is they have left the companion of their youth, verse 17.

01:09:38.120 | You see the emphasis here is upon companionship, right?

01:09:43.720 | That's the emphasis.

01:09:45.160 | So marriage is not primarily, the purpose of marriage is not primarily here to have

01:09:51.560 | children.

01:09:52.800 | That's one of the blessings of marriage, but that's not the purpose of marriage.

01:09:57.320 | In Genesis 1, 28, talks about, "Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth and subdue it."

01:10:03.360 | God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful, multiply."

01:10:06.360 | That's the blessing of marriage.

01:10:07.840 | The purpose of marriage is companionship.

01:10:10.500 | It's the antidote for loneliness, is the implication.

01:10:14.460 | Same thing's true in Malachi, all right?

01:10:17.040 | Let's go over to Malachi, Malachi chapter 2, and in verse 14, Malachi chapter 2.

01:10:28.880 | I used to have a guy who was on staff at our church when I was a pastor.

01:10:36.080 | He was Italian, and he always talked about Malachi being the only Italian book in the

01:10:41.040 | Bible.

01:10:42.660 | It's Malachi.

01:10:44.120 | That's the way he would pronounce it.

01:10:45.760 | Malachi chapter 2 and verse 14, all right?

01:10:50.440 | "Yet you say, 'For what reason?'

01:10:54.120 | Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom

01:10:57.320 | you have dealt treacherously, though she is," notice this, "your companion and your wife

01:11:04.800 | by covenant."

01:11:06.280 | There's brit, companion and covenant.

01:11:09.800 | The covenant is a reflection of the promise that they made before God that was a sacred

01:11:13.160 | promise, and the companionship is a description of what they are to mean to one another.

01:11:21.080 | What do they mean to one another?

01:11:22.200 | They're companions to one another.

01:11:24.280 | They're companions for a lifetime for one another.

01:11:28.120 | They walk through thick and thin with one another.

01:11:32.360 | That's the idea.

01:11:36.600 | I cannot stand to be away from my wife for a long period of time.

01:11:42.800 | I can't do that.

01:11:44.040 | I've always got to drag her with me.

01:11:47.900 | I love being around her, and she loves being around me.

01:11:50.240 | It's a good thing, except for when I drag her all over the planet, and she has lots

01:11:56.960 | of stuff to do at home.

01:11:58.320 | That becomes a problem, but we love being together.

01:12:02.600 | That's a good thing because we're companions.

01:12:04.720 | We share everything in life.

01:12:07.480 | She knows more about me than I know about myself.

01:12:12.680 | I know an awful lot about her as well.

01:12:16.400 | That's a good thing.

01:12:17.520 | That's the way God intended it.

01:12:19.540 | The family is really God's antidote for loneliness.

01:12:22.760 | I can't imagine life.

01:12:24.240 | I can really, as a pastor, sympathize with widows and widowers.

01:12:29.160 | What are you going to do after you lose your spouse where you've had a wonderful, not perfect

01:12:38.040 | on this human earth, but a wonderful, mutually satisfying marriage?

01:12:42.680 | What are you going to do if you lose your companion?

01:12:49.080 | We learn that the family is a place where people experience friendship.

01:12:56.820 | They experience companionship.

01:13:00.540 | They experience intimacy.

01:13:03.660 | It's a place where people are supposed to be themselves, not as if they're fakes out

01:13:11.420 | in public, but they don't have to be afraid of people criticizing them or demeaning them.

01:13:18.860 | I'm sorry to say that that's not the way some families are, and even Christian families.

01:13:23.660 | They're critical of one another.

01:13:24.800 | They're hateful with one another.

01:13:26.060 | They're mean with one another.

01:13:27.260 | They're sharp-tongued with one another.

01:13:30.180 | God never intended the family to be that way, never.

01:13:39.620 | So this has huge implications.

01:13:48.060 | It has tremendous implications for every family member, husbands, wives, parents, children.

01:13:55.060 | The word "companion" that we saw there in Proverbs 2.17, Malachi 2.14, literally means

01:14:01.360 | one who accompanies.

01:14:06.820 | It refers to spending time with someone, doing things together, being interested in what

01:14:19.580 | interests other people in the family.

01:14:25.140 | This is what ought to be happening in families.

01:14:34.660 | Your kids should enjoy being around you.

01:14:40.940 | Our kids do.

01:14:43.340 | They enjoy being around us, and we love being around them, and we're constantly teasing

01:14:47.780 | them how they like to be around a couple of old fuddy-duddies, all right?

01:14:56.700 | Proverbs 17, verse 17, and 27.10, that involves being a true friend, being loyal, faithful,

01:15:07.620 | concerned, committed, helpful, unselfish, protective, defending the other person, willing

01:15:19.660 | to sacrifice for the other person.

01:15:23.880 | You can see this in Jonathan and David's relationship, 1 Samuel 18.

01:15:31.200 | Now that's the kind of thing that should be happening in the family relationship, where

01:15:38.620 | people do that.

01:15:41.600 | They're around one another, and they enjoy being around one another.

01:15:46.640 | They love that.

01:15:53.520 | They're protective of one another.

01:16:01.960 | Sometimes that can extend to sinful deeds, but there is a sense in which you watch over

01:16:12.680 | your family.

01:16:17.320 | I grew up with two younger sisters.

01:16:20.720 | My mother tells a story that we lived in a house that was sort of on a hill, and coming

01:16:25.940 | from our grade school to the house, we had a road behind the house that went up towards

01:16:32.640 | the house, and my mother would stand and do dishes and look out the window and watch us

01:16:40.120 | coming home from school.

01:16:41.800 | She still tells the story about one day she looked out the window as she was washing dishes,

01:16:48.920 | and I had some kid by the nap of the neck and was ready to clobber him, and what had

01:16:55.240 | happened was he had come along and taken school papers of my sister and had torn them up,

01:17:03.520 | and so I'm ready to defend my sister.

01:17:05.800 | Now every other time I'd tease her mercilessly, but here I'm defending her, okay?

01:17:13.320 | And she stepped out the back door and yelled at me, "Johnny, you get home right now!"

01:17:22.280 | So now that was a sinful reaction on my part, but there is a sense in which, as Proverbs

01:17:29.080 | 17, 17, Proverbs 27, 10 talks about, that's part of being loyal and protected to a family

01:17:34.160 | member.

01:17:35.160 | If you see somebody doing something that's unjust, you need to step in and help that

01:17:40.280 | family member.

01:17:41.280 | That's a good thing.

01:17:42.280 | That's what families are for.

01:17:43.280 | It's not wrong.

01:17:45.680 | God as the Father protects His family, His children.

01:17:49.440 | He did that with Israel over and over again.

01:17:55.500 | He provided for them.

01:17:56.500 | I mean, they're the crossing of the Red Sea.

01:17:59.360 | What does He do?

01:18:00.560 | There's an army bearing down upon them.

01:18:04.080 | He protects His children, and He destroys the enemy of His children.

01:18:09.560 | So that's the example that God the Father uses.

01:18:14.040 | That's not a bad thing.

01:18:15.040 | That's a good thing, as long as we're careful not to let sinful desires to step in there.

01:18:23.980 | Because of our sinfulness, we are not perfectly like God.

01:18:27.600 | Well, in addition to that, we've got Proverbs 29, 5, and Proverbs 27, 5 and 6.

01:18:33.320 | Being a true friend means that you will avoid flattery and that you're not afraid to rebuke

01:18:38.320 | gently as well.

01:18:41.060 | In the family, you can tell people hard things because they know that you mean it in love.

01:18:51.640 | There's a place for open rebuke.

01:18:57.720 | That's a type of rebuke that's said in love, but it's honest and faithful.

01:19:03.520 | First Kings chapter 1, you can see that David, verse 6, never rebuked his son Adonijah, and

01:19:16.560 | it caused Adonijah his life.

01:19:25.240 | The Hebrew there says that David never caused his son pain.

01:19:33.280 | First Kings 1, verse 6.

01:19:36.140 | So in that sense, David was a negligent father.

01:19:40.360 | He never caused Adonijah pain, and he should have.

01:19:46.720 | He should have lowered Adonijah's self-esteem.

01:19:48.960 | That's what he should have done, because Adonijah, he thought he was pretty hot stuff, and he

01:19:58.760 | grew up thinking he was pretty hot stuff.

01:20:02.800 | David never checked that.

01:20:05.200 | David's family was not functioning in the way that God wants families to function.

01:20:09.280 | So in this respect, David was not being a true father to his son.

01:20:17.640 | God's plan for the family is that family members should be companions, friends, and part of

01:20:22.720 | being a true friend means being lovingly honest with other family members.

01:20:30.240 | David should have been that way.

01:20:31.440 | He should have said, "Adonijah, what you're doing is wrong and it's sinful.

01:20:36.960 | You're a prideful young man, and I'm going to cause you some pain because of your pride.

01:20:44.800 | I'm going to apply the Board of Education to the seat of irresponsibility.

01:20:51.080 | That's what I'm going to do."

01:20:56.000 | That's what David should have said.

01:21:00.680 | Now Proverbs chapter 12 and verse 26, here being a true friend involves being concerned

01:21:05.720 | about being a positive influence, too.

01:21:10.840 | It's interesting the way the New International English version translates this.

01:21:15.120 | It says it is cautious in friendship.

01:21:19.800 | The New American Standard version says it's a guide to his neighbor.

01:21:28.360 | So being a good friend involves being a good influence rather than an evil influence in

01:21:33.720 | the life of another person.

01:21:36.400 | So if you're going to be a good family member, then the implication is you're going to be

01:21:41.400 | a good influence and influence people positively, not an evil influence.

01:21:51.160 | You're not going to bring out the worst in people.

01:21:54.600 | Husbands are not going to bring out the worst in wives.

01:21:56.440 | They're not going to bring out the worst in husbands.

01:21:58.640 | Parents are not going to bring out the worst in their children.

01:22:00.600 | Children are not going to bring out the worst in one another or their parents.

01:22:06.360 | That's being a true friend.

01:22:08.840 | Then Proverbs 27, verse 14.

01:22:12.000 | Now here being a true friend means that you will be sensitive to the likes and dislikes

01:22:16.520 | of others.

01:22:18.040 | You can also see Proverbs 25.20 and Proverbs 25.17.

01:22:28.000 | Being a true friend means you're going to be sensitive to the likes and dislikes of

01:22:31.080 | the other person.

01:22:32.080 | In other words, you'll be a blessing to your friend.

01:22:38.920 | But when you're a blessing, you'll do it at the appropriate time.

01:22:44.920 | Because Proverbs says, "He who blesses a friend with a loud voice early in the morning, that

01:22:49.360 | kind of person is a fool."

01:22:50.920 | It's like getting up early in the morning and running around and being loud.

01:22:59.760 | "Hey, how you guys doing?

01:23:03.120 | What?

01:23:04.120 | What is that?"

01:23:05.120 | That's not being a true friend.

01:23:06.120 | You're not caring for the other person.

01:23:07.640 | You're getting amusement out of their misery.

01:23:19.040 | Or grab your Bible just for a moment and go over to Proverbs 26 and verse 18.

01:23:25.600 | A person also understands, a good friend in this case and a family, also understands the

01:23:31.640 | wisdom of Proverbs 26.18.

01:23:45.960 | So a person like this knows when a joke has gone too far.

01:23:53.060 | You know those kind of people who love to play practical jokes that humiliate you.

01:24:02.600 | You hate that.

01:24:04.320 | And they laugh and they say, "Oh, I was just joking.

01:24:06.320 | I was just joking.

01:24:07.920 | Made you feel like an idiot or a fool."

01:24:11.660 | They know when a joke's gone too far.

01:24:15.160 | It's like Proverbs compares them to a madman who just indiscriminately takes bow and arrows

01:24:20.180 | and shoots them into the air.

01:24:22.440 | Well eventually those arrows are going to come back down and hurt somebody.

01:24:26.720 | Maybe cool to shoot that off in the air, but it has consequences.

01:24:29.200 | It's going to come back to earth.

01:24:33.920 | Or throws firebrands in the air.

01:24:41.680 | Eventually those things are going to come back.

01:24:42.800 | They're going to come back and get that person.

01:24:45.700 | So a person knows when a joke has gone too far.

01:24:50.760 | When you're really tearing a person down, you're not building them up.

01:24:55.560 | Proverbs 27 and verse 9, being a true friend involves encouraging others, cheering them

01:25:00.040 | up.

01:25:02.040 | A man's counsel is sweet to his friend.

01:25:06.980 | So a true friend will add sweetness to another person's life through his help, advice, counsel,

01:25:18.760 | and encouragement.

01:25:21.040 | It's always amazing to me on a college campus to watch new freshmen come in and some of

01:25:28.800 | those new freshmen have brothers and sisters that are older than they are, that have been

01:25:35.920 | there at college for a few years, and to watch those brothers and sisters come in and help

01:25:41.680 | their sisters and brothers out, adjusting to college, their feeling of loneliness, being

01:25:49.320 | away from home for the first time for a long period of time.

01:25:53.640 | They're there to help them out.

01:25:54.840 | They're there to encourage them and help them.

01:25:57.520 | That's exactly what should be going on.

01:26:00.480 | Encouraging the other person, cheering them up.

01:26:03.160 | That's what should be going on in the family, in the home.

01:26:06.240 | Proverbs 27, 17, being a true friend involves shaping the other person's countenance or

01:26:10.920 | sharpening, I should say, the other person's countenance.

01:26:18.200 | As iron sharpens iron implies that a true friend, friends are unselfish, a true friend

01:26:24.840 | is aware when the other person gets dull, is discouraged or down or perplexed or confused

01:26:30.480 | or hurting, or when the other person is weary or lonely or fearful or anxious or overreacting

01:26:37.840 | or blowing things out of proportion or practicing tunnel vision or overgeneralizing or exaggerating

01:26:46.560 | or being lonely or feeling blue or forsaken or useless.

01:26:52.000 | And so that person does what they can to lift up the other person's spirit, to help them

01:27:00.040 | see things more clearly, gain new insights.

01:27:07.480 | You're sharpening the other person as iron sharpens iron.

01:27:11.840 | You're sharpening them.

01:27:16.480 | That's what should be happening.

01:27:18.600 | Furthermore, John chapter 15, verses 13 through 15, you're willing to sacrifice doing what

01:27:25.760 | others desire, sharing yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your concerns.

01:27:33.880 | Being a true friend involves doing things that the other person wants you to do unless

01:27:39.000 | to do so would violate a command of God or would be sinful.

01:27:46.640 | It involves sharing your thoughts and your feelings and your concerns with the other

01:27:50.880 | person on a deep level, sharing any information with the other person that would not hurt

01:27:55.940 | them or anyone else and that would be helpful for them.

01:27:59.080 | It involves open communication, especially involves sharing what God is teaching you

01:28:03.720 | with them.

01:28:11.840 | Jesus talked about that with his disciples.

01:28:14.240 | He says, "I've called you my friends for all the things that my Father has shared with

01:28:18.520 | me, I've shared with you."

01:28:20.540 | Being a true friend does that.

01:28:23.240 | You share these good things.

01:28:25.720 | That's what the family does.

01:28:28.840 | A family helps one another through those kind of sharing type of experiences.

01:28:36.520 | Now, all of that is part of God's antidote for loneliness.

01:28:47.040 | It involves being a true companion, being a true friend.

01:28:58.000 | So this has tremendous implications for every family member, husbands, wives, parents, children.

01:29:04.480 | Being a companion, being loyal, avoiding flattery, being positive influence, being sensitive

01:29:12.220 | to likes and dislikes, being encouraging, sharpening the other person, sharing of yourself

01:29:18.680 | and willing to sacrifice for the other person, that's what should be going on in the Christian

01:29:23.720 | home.

01:29:25.140 | That's what should be happening.

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Lecture 2: Marriage and Family Counseling - Dr. John D. Street

Chapters