How Do I Not Provoke My Children?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | Today we have a question every parent

00:00:06.280 | must answer for themselves.

00:00:08.760 | How do I not exasperate my children?

00:00:12.160 | It's today's question from a young dad,

00:00:13.840 | a new dad named Matt.

00:00:15.120 | He writes, "Hello Pastor Jon,

00:00:16.240 | "and thank you for taking my question today.

00:00:18.060 | "Colossians 3.21 warns fathers,

00:00:20.480 | "do not embitter your children."

00:00:23.280 | That's the NIV.

00:00:24.680 | "Or do not provoke your children."

00:00:27.120 | That's the ESV and King James Version.

00:00:29.800 | "Or do not exasperate your children."

00:00:32.640 | That's the Holman Bible.

00:00:34.440 | "We are to avoid embittering or provoking

00:00:37.520 | "or exasperating our children,

00:00:39.400 | "so they do not become discouraged."

00:00:42.020 | So what does it look like for a father

00:00:43.360 | to embitter his children?

00:00:45.920 | This text seems super important to me as a new dad,

00:00:48.840 | and at the same time, super abstract.

00:00:50.920 | What would this look like, Pastor Jon?

00:00:53.280 | - Well, I've given a lot of thought

00:00:54.880 | to this question recently

00:00:55.920 | because I've been working my way through Colossians

00:00:58.960 | and look at the book,

00:00:59.800 | and so let me see if I can hold down my enthusiasm

00:01:04.320 | for it to 10 minutes or so here.

00:01:06.760 | Let's put the text in front of us

00:01:09.720 | with enough context to make sure we can get this dad

00:01:14.720 | in the right frame of mind.

00:01:18.640 | Wives, I'm starting at verse 18 of Colossians 3.

00:01:21.720 | "Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord.

00:01:27.340 | "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

00:01:32.340 | "Children, obey your parents in everything,

00:01:35.560 | "for this pleases the Lord.

00:01:37.860 | "Fathers, do not provoke your children,"

00:01:41.580 | or embitter your children,

00:01:44.100 | "lest they become discouraged."

00:01:48.800 | Now, the reason I give that much context for verse 21,

00:01:53.660 | which says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children

00:01:55.860 | "lest they become discouraged,"

00:01:57.140 | is that I want fathers, I want Matt,

00:02:00.740 | to feel the amazing responsibility

00:02:03.860 | that God gives in a special way to fathers.

00:02:08.460 | And the reason I say special way

00:02:11.020 | is because verse 20 says that children

00:02:15.060 | are to be obedient to their parents,

00:02:18.880 | not just their fathers.

00:02:20.420 | Children, obey your parents in everything,

00:02:23.300 | for this pleases the Lord.

00:02:24.620 | But when it gets to verse 23,

00:02:26.900 | and the peculiar responsibility

00:02:29.180 | for the children's encouragement,

00:02:31.460 | he does not say, "Parents, do not provoke your children."

00:02:35.820 | He says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children."

00:02:39.940 | And of course, mothers shouldn't provoke their children

00:02:43.660 | and discourage them either,

00:02:45.420 | but he gives the fathers this peculiar responsibility

00:02:50.420 | in a special way.

00:02:53.000 | So, dad is the head of the family.

00:02:57.840 | And the reason I say that is because in verse 18,

00:03:02.480 | it says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands."

00:03:07.080 | So, if children are to be obedient to mom,

00:03:11.320 | and mom is to submit to dad,

00:03:15.640 | then there's a peculiar burden of responsibility

00:03:20.460 | that God places on dad to lead the family.

00:03:24.700 | And he is to lead it in a way that is first,

00:03:27.480 | not harsh with his wife,

00:03:29.720 | and second, not discouraging to his children.

00:03:33.960 | So, dad's call not to discourage his children

00:03:37.880 | is part of a larger fabric

00:03:40.600 | of his peculiar husbandly, fatherly responsibility.

00:03:45.600 | And I emphasize the word responsibility

00:03:49.660 | rather than rights,

00:03:52.160 | because that's the tone of the passage.

00:03:55.080 | That's the tone of reality.

00:03:56.960 | God gives to husbands and fathers

00:03:59.960 | a burden of responsibility.

00:04:02.560 | This isn't a place for the blustering

00:04:06.340 | of a man's rights as head.

00:04:08.440 | This is a place for bearing the peculiar burden

00:04:13.440 | of responsibility as husbands and fathers.

00:04:18.600 | And you can see it is a daunting,

00:04:21.800 | and I would say even impossible,

00:04:25.880 | in one sense, responsibility to so deal with our children

00:04:30.880 | that they don't become dispirited,

00:04:33.940 | or discouraged, or lifeless.

00:04:36.740 | This involves a work of God, not just man.

00:04:40.960 | The translations include,

00:04:43.400 | don't exasperate your children,

00:04:45.700 | don't provoke them to anger,

00:04:47.940 | don't embitter them.

00:04:50.000 | Those are all the translations that you see

00:04:52.200 | in the versions that are out there.

00:04:54.080 | But the general idea is this.

00:04:57.440 | Since verse 20 says that children should obey

00:05:01.560 | the fathers and mothers,

00:05:03.420 | the father should not back away

00:05:08.180 | from requiring obedience

00:05:10.480 | just because a child tries to use pouting

00:05:17.520 | to coerce dad not to make him go to bed

00:05:20.540 | when it's time to go to bed.

00:05:22.540 | Verse 21, don't discourage your children,

00:05:26.100 | can't be used to nullify verse 20,

00:05:28.900 | which calls us to require obedience from our children.

00:05:32.380 | So children can't blackmail their parents

00:05:34.540 | into canceling out verse 20,

00:05:36.980 | because they say, look, dad,

00:05:38.120 | you're not supposed to discourage me.

00:05:39.580 | I'm feeling discouraged,

00:05:40.700 | and so you can't require that of me.

00:05:42.980 | You can't do that with the Bible.

00:05:45.000 | So verse 21 must be saying,

00:05:48.420 | there is a wrong or a counterproductive way

00:05:52.840 | to require obedience of your children,

00:05:55.620 | which only discourages.

00:05:58.280 | And there's a helpful way

00:05:59.460 | to require obedience of your children.

00:06:02.220 | And the command to dads

00:06:04.420 | not to provoke our children to discouragement

00:06:07.660 | can't be used to make the dad passive or lazy

00:06:10.500 | or indifferent to the children's misbehavior.

00:06:14.460 | So what I take Matt to be asking is this,

00:06:18.060 | what does it look like when you are requiring obedience,

00:06:23.060 | like verse 20 says you should,

00:06:26.680 | but doing it badly

00:06:29.380 | so that you're knocking the spirit out of your child?

00:06:32.660 | So let me direct Matt and the rest of us

00:06:36.900 | to these eight ways that I would describe

00:06:40.920 | for how not to require obedience of your children.

00:06:45.880 | So as I thought,

00:06:47.400 | how does ways of fathering

00:06:52.240 | knock the life out of a child,

00:06:55.040 | discourage a child, dispirit the child?

00:06:58.080 | And I've got eight of them.

00:06:59.040 | I'll just name them briefly.

00:07:01.120 | First, don't try to get obedience by nagging.

00:07:05.500 | The word nagging was invented

00:07:08.040 | because there is such a thing as a repetitive demand

00:07:12.440 | or repetitive requirement that are really annoying

00:07:16.360 | and exasperating because they are demeaning.

00:07:20.520 | Like you feel like I've heard you say that three times now,

00:07:23.760 | I'm going to do it in the timeframe you gave me.

00:07:26.420 | You don't need to keep telling me to do this.

00:07:29.240 | That's what the child might be feeling

00:07:30.720 | if he's not even saying it.

00:07:33.440 | So don't require obedience by nagging.

00:07:36.840 | Number two, don't try to get obedience

00:07:41.020 | by being the kind of dad that only demands.

00:07:45.320 | I mean, demand, demand, demand, demand.

00:07:48.960 | And he never has a conversation with child.

00:07:52.080 | He never gives a compliment to the child,

00:07:54.680 | he never celebrates anything with the child,

00:07:57.740 | he never explains anything to the child.

00:08:00.440 | All the child ever hears is do, do, do, do, do,

00:08:03.720 | demand, demand, demand, demand.

00:08:05.640 | So make your requirements part of the fabric

00:08:09.600 | of a much richer communication with your child

00:08:13.560 | so he knows you are more than a demander.

00:08:17.600 | Third, don't try to get obedience by setting the tone

00:08:22.600 | where every requirement sounds angry.

00:08:26.180 | Dad's always angry.

00:08:29.840 | He doesn't know how to give any cheerful requirements.

00:08:34.200 | He thinks that in order to get anything done,

00:08:37.320 | he has to sound harsh and mad.

00:08:41.320 | Well, dad, you don't.

00:08:42.940 | That's counterproductive, that's discouraging.

00:08:46.280 | Fourth, don't try to get obedience by always using blows.

00:08:51.280 | There is a world of difference between a thoughtfully

00:08:56.620 | and firmly and lovingly applied discipline

00:09:01.160 | of spanking after defiance,

00:09:04.840 | but a slap-happy dad always seems to be swatting

00:09:10.800 | as his children.

00:09:12.220 | Don't accompany your requirements of obedience

00:09:16.400 | with hitting the child.

00:09:18.860 | Spankings are fitting and hopefully, carefully

00:09:23.400 | and soberly and patiently and lovingly applied

00:09:27.400 | so that the child himself knows

00:09:29.680 | that the reason he's being disciplined is clear,

00:09:32.960 | he knows what he's done

00:09:34.880 | and he deserves this measure of discipline,

00:09:39.320 | but don't make slapping or swatting or blows

00:09:43.880 | a normal accompaniment of your requirement of obedience.

00:09:48.880 | Fifth, don't try to get obedience by embarrassing the child,

00:09:54.320 | perhaps by asking him to do something in front of people

00:09:58.080 | that is so obvious he's gonna do it anyway.

00:10:02.680 | Seek ways to make your commands respectful,

00:10:07.560 | showing that you expect intelligent obedience.

00:10:11.720 | Sixth, don't require obedience by belittling your child.

00:10:16.400 | For example, don't call him names.

00:10:19.080 | Don't speak in a way that he feels contempt

00:10:23.000 | coming from his father.

00:10:24.840 | Don't ask him to do something

00:10:26.260 | the way you would ask a three-year-old

00:10:28.200 | if he's a nine-year-old.

00:10:30.360 | Seven, don't demand things that are impossible

00:10:34.840 | for the child to do at his age.

00:10:37.240 | Don't set him up for automatic failure.

00:10:40.360 | Don't say, "I want you back here in 30 seconds."

00:10:43.320 | When you know that's not even possible,

00:10:46.480 | you're asking the child to fail, which is discouraging.

00:10:51.220 | And eighth, perhaps most important,

00:10:54.060 | but they're all important, I think,

00:10:55.840 | but this is probably most important,

00:10:58.280 | don't try to get obedience without creating an atmosphere

00:11:03.280 | of gospel forgiveness.

00:11:06.820 | So many dads and moms fail to teach a child early

00:11:11.820 | that Jesus has provided a way to get relief

00:11:19.280 | for their guilt after doing bad things,

00:11:25.040 | a way to be forgiven.

00:11:27.400 | Without this, the child doesn't know what to do

00:11:31.020 | with his own sins, which he knows he commits.

00:11:34.320 | Every kid knows he does bad things.

00:11:39.000 | So every command starts to feel like a potential digging

00:11:43.420 | of a deeper hole of guilt.

00:11:46.220 | Without a pattern of confession and forgiveness,

00:11:50.220 | the child will probably become secretive and deceitful.

00:11:54.400 | So dad, you must speak the gospel, teach the gospel,

00:11:59.400 | so that the child understands how the blood of Jesus

00:12:03.040 | gives forgiveness and life and relief.

00:12:07.440 | And you must embody the gospel in your own confession

00:12:11.000 | of sin and your own offer of forgiveness.

00:12:14.560 | So Matt, take heart.

00:12:17.640 | You have a heavenly father that has modeled all of this

00:12:22.760 | for you and toward you.

00:12:25.400 | And there is hope, therefore, that you can be a father

00:12:30.400 | with children who are both obedient and encouraged.

00:12:35.720 | - Thank you, Pastor John.

00:12:37.680 | That's a great question, Matt.

00:12:38.600 | We appreciate it, and thank you for joining us today.

00:12:41.440 | You can ask a parenting question of your own like Matt did,

00:12:43.880 | or search our huge archive of over 1,800 episodes,

00:12:47.560 | or subscribe to the podcast and get our latest releases.

00:12:50.400 | You can do all of that at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.

00:12:55.400 | Well, is it sinful to fall short of excellence in our work?

00:13:01.100 | This is a great question, relevant for businessmen,

00:13:03.760 | for stay-at-home wives, for volunteers,

00:13:05.960 | for students, for all of us.

00:13:08.480 | And that's the question on the table Monday.

00:13:10.000 | Is it sinful to fall short of excellence at work?

00:13:14.200 | I'm your host Tony Rehnke, and Pastor John and I

00:13:15.720 | will see you on Monday for that.

00:13:17.240 | Have a great weekend.

00:13:18.280 | (upbeat music)

00:13:20.860 | (upbeat music)

00:13:23.440 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

How Do I Not Provoke My Children?

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