What Will Submission to My Husband Look Like?
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | - We have a lot of young listeners
00:00:06.420 | who are heading into marriage
00:00:07.500 | without a lot of examples in their lives to learn from,
00:00:10.400 | and they are asking some really good questions
00:00:13.180 | about the basics of marriage.
00:00:14.980 | One such listener is Cassie, who writes in to ask this,
00:00:18.340 | "Hello, Pastor John, I'm engaged and need practical advice.
00:00:22.220 | "What does it mean and look like
00:00:24.020 | "for me to submit to my husband?"
00:00:29.140 | - God loves his people, God loves Cassie,
00:00:33.180 | and does not command us things that are bad for us.
00:00:37.660 | That's just so basic in this issue.
00:00:40.060 | God is a good father.
00:00:42.560 | He knows manhood, he knows womanhood, he knows them deeply,
00:00:47.560 | and he knows how deeply life can be beautiful together
00:00:52.140 | when these things are lived out
00:00:54.220 | according to his good purposes.
00:00:56.700 | He has given us, he's given to you, Cassie,
00:01:00.740 | amazing gifts of sexuality,
00:01:03.940 | and amazing gifts of difference between manhood and womanhood
00:01:07.980 | that go deeper than sexual organs.
00:01:10.300 | We are male and female all the way down,
00:01:14.020 | and this is so great and so precious and so pervasive
00:01:17.540 | and so profound and so powerful
00:01:21.420 | that I think we would be foolish to experiment
00:01:26.540 | with it from generation to generation the way the world does.
00:01:31.060 | Like, let's just make something new out of what women are.
00:01:33.300 | Let's just make something new out of what men are.
00:01:35.620 | We would be wise with only one life to live,
00:01:40.620 | to listen to our maker, our designer,
00:01:45.380 | our father, our friend, our redeemer,
00:01:49.300 | and bring our manhood and womanhood into line
00:01:53.260 | with what he has revealed.
00:01:56.660 | So we only have time here for a few comments,
00:01:59.640 | but I've written a whole book on marriage
00:02:02.220 | that I would point you to,
00:02:03.480 | and I've written "What's the Difference
00:02:05.660 | of Manhood and Womanhood,"
00:02:07.020 | and I've edited a big blue book on this issue,
00:02:09.700 | so if this feels inadequate, it's because it is inadequate.
00:02:14.700 | Never, ever stop learning and growing.
00:02:19.140 | I'm not gonna do any exegesis, for example,
00:02:22.580 | any Bible interpretation in this.
00:02:25.220 | I'm just gonna apply things I've studied,
00:02:27.700 | but if you wanna study,
00:02:28.540 | I'm taking it almost all from Genesis 1 to 3,
00:02:31.460 | Ephesians 5, 21 to 33, 1 Peter 3, 1 to 7,
00:02:34.980 | 2 Timothy 2, 8 to 15, 1 Corinthians 11, 1 to 16,
00:02:39.980 | and the way the New Testament shows Christ
00:02:42.380 | and his church interacting.
00:02:43.500 | So here are what?
00:02:44.980 | I think I wrote down three things, maybe.
00:02:49.020 | The first is this,
00:02:51.060 | about the meaning of wife's biblical submission.
00:02:56.440 | Namely, it is a happy response
00:03:00.260 | to a husband's biblical leadership,
00:03:03.980 | or as Ephesians 5 calls it, headship.
00:03:08.100 | And the point of starting here
00:03:10.940 | is that when men are doing what God calls men to do
00:03:16.720 | in a relationship and they're doing it rightly, biblically,
00:03:20.920 | most women love it
00:03:23.420 | and are happy to respond to it supportively.
00:03:27.980 | So my main effort in ministry
00:03:30.760 | is to help your fiance.
00:03:34.260 | But he's not, you didn't ask about him, you ask about you,
00:03:39.800 | so I will try to say something directly to you,
00:03:44.240 | but really, this is so important.
00:03:46.760 | Be sure you marry a man who understands his role
00:03:51.760 | and has the maturity and the humility
00:03:55.940 | to grow in the rest of his life into this role,
00:04:00.120 | into this leadership and headship.
00:04:02.240 | It will be very difficult for you
00:04:04.960 | to live out your life of godly submissiveness
00:04:09.100 | if he's not a godly leader.
00:04:10.880 | It's not impossible, and the Bible talks about that,
00:04:13.120 | but it will be harder, and you don't wanna choose that
00:04:16.040 | at the front end of your relationships.
00:04:18.200 | Here's the second thing.
00:04:19.920 | I would say that submission means
00:04:23.760 | an intelligent, happy, wise support
00:04:28.760 | for the leadership of your husband,
00:04:33.880 | and that means a few key things from him.
00:04:38.240 | This simply means you love it when he leads,
00:04:43.240 | and by leading, here comes the qualification
00:04:46.320 | so you know what you're aiming at,
00:04:48.640 | by leading, I don't mean he makes unilateral decisions
00:04:53.300 | without talking to you and caring what you think.
00:04:56.720 | That would contradict your role
00:04:59.640 | as a fellow heir of the grace of life.
00:05:02.220 | It would contradict his role as a fallible follower of Jesus.
00:05:07.120 | He's not Jesus.
00:05:08.760 | He's not your ultimate Lord.
00:05:11.280 | Jesus is, and he knows that, and he wants to honor that
00:05:16.000 | and encourage you in your personal submission to
00:05:20.000 | and following of Jesus, so he doesn't put himself
00:05:23.320 | in the place of your all-controlling Lord.
00:05:26.880 | He knows Jesus alone holds that,
00:05:29.320 | so what I mean by his leadership
00:05:31.760 | is that he takes initiative.
00:05:34.360 | He says, "Let's," most often.
00:05:37.760 | That's sometimes a little thing I say to a couple.
00:05:40.720 | I say, "Who says, 'Let's,' most often in this relationship?"
00:05:44.920 | And if she's the one who has to constantly say,
00:05:47.360 | "Let's do this and let's do this and let's do this
00:05:49.160 | "and let's do this," and he's just a slough off,
00:05:52.280 | then that's a problem.
00:05:53.920 | He should be taking initiative in family devotions.
00:05:58.920 | He should be taking initiative
00:06:00.680 | in the discipline of the children.
00:06:02.600 | He should be taking initiative in financial responsibility.
00:06:06.520 | He should be taking initiative
00:06:08.240 | in the moral standards of the home,
00:06:11.680 | in patterns of giving, in church life,
00:06:15.880 | and on and on and on.
00:06:17.360 | When I say he takes initiative,
00:06:20.880 | I don't mean that he takes charge in any detailed way,
00:06:25.880 | as if he should run everything.
00:06:28.920 | Well, he shouldn't run everything.
00:06:31.040 | Here's an example.
00:06:32.080 | Let me try to make it concrete.
00:06:34.240 | If I say, "Take initiative in finances, man.
00:06:38.480 | "Don't drag your feet with regard to how the money is made,
00:06:42.320 | "how the money is saved, how the money is invested,
00:06:45.000 | "how the money is spent, how the money is given.
00:06:47.520 | "Don't drag your feet here and expect your wife
00:06:49.480 | "to solve all these problems.
00:06:50.940 | "You are the one that should take initiative."
00:06:53.800 | And what I mean by initiative is, he says things like,
00:06:57.080 | "Can we talk about our finances
00:07:00.040 | "to make sure that we're living in our means
00:07:04.000 | "and honoring the Lord with our money?"
00:07:06.920 | And then he might say, "You know,
00:07:08.500 | "I'm not very good with these numbers,
00:07:10.920 | "and you were a math major,
00:07:12.680 | "so how about you keep the checkbook
00:07:16.560 | "and write the checks for the utilities and so on?"
00:07:19.580 | In other words, leadership doesn't mean doing it all.
00:07:24.580 | Leadership means sitting down at the table,
00:07:28.000 | taking the initiative to put things in motion
00:07:31.120 | that solve problems.
00:07:32.520 | Women love to have their husbands take initiative
00:07:35.720 | to put things in motion to get problems solved.
00:07:38.120 | Of course, they want to be part of the solution
00:07:39.800 | and ought to be a part of the solution,
00:07:41.800 | but oh, how sad it is when they have to drag their husbands
00:07:46.240 | to the table to get something going like that.
00:07:49.840 | In other words, a good wife, a submissive wife,
00:07:53.000 | may have more competency than her husband
00:07:57.440 | in lots of areas.
00:07:58.880 | She might.
00:07:59.700 | They both recognize that,
00:08:02.640 | and they set up the management of the home
00:08:05.920 | in various ways that show that.
00:08:09.760 | Leadership doesn't mean superior competencies.
00:08:14.680 | Good night.
00:08:15.520 | You know, I'm a pastor.
00:08:16.480 | I was surrounded by people with superior competencies
00:08:19.800 | than I was, but I was leader.
00:08:22.080 | It was my job, maximize those competencies,
00:08:25.760 | figure out a way to solve the problems here
00:08:28.240 | and set the tone here and cast a vision here
00:08:30.920 | that releases those competencies.
00:08:34.280 | So submission wants a husband to lead.
00:08:38.360 | She wants him to make things happen,
00:08:42.860 | put things in motion, take initiative.
00:08:45.200 | Here's the last thing.
00:08:46.680 | I would say that besides being an intelligent,
00:08:50.200 | happy, wise support for the leadership of the husband,
00:08:53.680 | that way, submission means that in principle,
00:08:58.160 | in the rare cases where the two of you,
00:09:01.440 | after arguing four days about what should be done,
00:09:06.440 | it's a draw and you haven't persuaded him
00:09:10.960 | and he hasn't persuaded you,
00:09:13.360 | the submissive wife says to the husband,
00:09:17.400 | "I'm going to trust you to do what's right here."
00:09:19.480 | And she may disagree with which way he's going,
00:09:22.360 | but she is going to, in those,
00:09:24.520 | and I think they're very rare,
00:09:26.080 | those situations are probably very rare,
00:09:28.480 | she's going to yield in principle to whatever he says.
00:09:32.280 | And the reason I say in principle
00:09:33.840 | is because a good husband at that moment
00:09:37.520 | might use that privilege to go her way.
00:09:41.720 | He may love her, he may want to be gracious to her,
00:09:44.960 | he may not want to take that authority here
00:09:48.200 | and wield it in a direction she doesn't want to go
00:09:50.520 | because he loves her.
00:09:51.760 | And so he may just say, "No, we'll do it your way."
00:09:55.000 | But she has sent the message loud and clear to him,
00:09:59.280 | "I will not put my foot down and say,
00:10:02.240 | "you must do it my way.
00:10:03.380 | "We're going to go your way
00:10:05.080 | "and I'm going to trust you to do what's right."
00:10:08.280 | And I would just end by qualifying that two ways.
00:10:11.120 | One, a good husband will sometimes yield,
00:10:15.320 | even though she has given him the privilege,
00:10:17.160 | so she yields.
00:10:18.000 | And the second qualification is
00:10:20.160 | a wife never follows her husband into sin.
00:10:23.640 | So the headship of the husband is not ultimate headship,
00:10:27.440 | Christ is the ultimate headship,
00:10:29.200 | and she will always seek to do the right thing
00:10:33.940 | and not sin if her husband calls her
00:10:37.320 | to follow him into sin.
00:10:39.280 | So here's my summary for Cassie.
00:10:43.040 | Number one, God knows what's best for us
00:10:46.800 | and his way of submission and headship is the path of joy.
00:10:51.480 | Number two, be sure to marry a man mature enough
00:10:54.760 | and humble enough to lead biblically.
00:10:56.480 | Number three, submission is mainly an intelligent,
00:11:00.120 | happy, wise support for that leadership.
00:11:04.240 | Four, which means that submission is a responsiveness
00:11:09.080 | to his initiative taking,
00:11:10.880 | which is not comprehensive control,
00:11:13.240 | but involves you in the planning of the family life.
00:11:15.720 | Five, submission means that in a draw,
00:11:19.520 | you say, "I trust you to do what's best."
00:11:22.820 | And six, submission means ultimately submission to Jesus
00:11:27.080 | so that you never follow your husband into sin.
00:11:30.060 | - Very helpful outline, thank you, Pastor John.
00:11:33.760 | And thank you, Cassie, for the great question.
00:11:35.720 | If you have a question,
00:11:36.560 | please send it in to us via email
00:11:38.600 | at AskPastorJohn@DesiringGod.org,
00:11:41.120 | and you've probably learned by now,
00:11:42.640 | great questions are essential to what we do,
00:11:44.860 | so please keep sending them in to us.
00:11:47.680 | In this episode, Pastor John mentioned three books.
00:11:49.820 | All of them can be downloaded and read for free
00:11:52.420 | from DesiringGod.org,
00:11:54.280 | and when we say that you can download and read them for free
00:11:56.480 | we always mean you can download the entire book for free,
00:11:59.600 | not just a chapter or an excerpt, but the whole thing.
00:12:03.260 | Those titles are these,
00:12:04.520 | This Momentary Marriage, What's the Difference?
00:12:08.480 | and Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.
00:12:11.280 | This Momentary Marriage, What's the Difference?
00:12:14.320 | and Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.
00:12:16.880 | You can download each of those three books
00:12:18.840 | for free from our site, DesiringGod.org.
00:12:21.600 | Click on the Books tab.
00:12:23.600 | Tomorrow is Friday, and we have a question about prayer
00:12:25.980 | inspired from our series we did with Tim Keller.
00:12:28.920 | I'm your host Tony Renke.
00:12:29.760 | Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast.
00:12:32.400 | (silence)
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00:12:36.720 | (silence)
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