Explaining Adoption to Your Adopted Child
00:00:00.000 | A podcast listener named Chris writes in to ask this, "Dear Pastor John, my wife and I
00:00:09.760 | adopted our youngest son from Ethiopia just over a year ago.
00:00:13.360 | What a gift he's been to us.
00:00:14.680 | He's a toddler now and beautiful differences in our skin color and hair type will stand
00:00:19.400 | out to him soon, if not already.
00:00:22.240 | The question we wrestle with is how soon do we start the discussion of his adoption with
00:00:26.720 | him?"
00:00:27.720 | Great question.
00:00:28.720 | I'm glad it was asked and I pulled Noel and Talitha together last night to ask them this
00:00:34.480 | question.
00:00:35.480 | My wife and daughter, Talitha's adopted.
00:00:37.480 | She's 18 now.
00:00:38.740 | She remembers a lot of how we did this and so we asked her how she felt about it.
00:00:43.320 | And so what I'm about to say is coming with both of their input, not just me.
00:00:50.520 | In fact, Talitha said that the things she appreciated and values and remembers might
00:00:59.800 | not always work with all her friends that she knows who are adopted.
00:01:03.280 | So I don't want anybody to say we've got the last word here.
00:01:06.400 | Every family is the same.
00:01:07.400 | It's not.
00:01:08.560 | Our conviction is that from the very beginning, I mean, as soon as this kid can hear you talk,
00:01:17.400 | adoption should be a reality spoken of the way birth and eating and playing and sleeping
00:01:25.800 | and all other ordinary realities of life are talked about.
00:01:29.720 | So you just talk about it.
00:01:31.000 | There's adoption.
00:01:32.160 | So your two year old hears you talking about children being adopted and children being
00:01:37.440 | born.
00:01:38.440 | And he doesn't know what either of those mean.
00:01:39.880 | He doesn't know the word adopted.
00:01:41.280 | He doesn't know the word born yet.
00:01:43.280 | He's just hearing you talk about it.
00:01:46.960 | But little by little, understanding dawns.
00:01:51.000 | And with every new perceived growth in understanding, mom and dad fill in more and more of the missing
00:01:58.040 | pieces.
00:01:59.040 | In other words, you are never hiding from this kid that he's adopted and you're never
00:02:03.160 | hiding the concept of adoption and they grow organically together.
00:02:09.240 | Get good children's picture books.
00:02:12.280 | I'm talking about a picture book that a kid eats.
00:02:15.240 | You know, the board kind that they don't know what they know what you're doing.
00:02:18.080 | They just chew it.
00:02:19.240 | Well, get those.
00:02:20.400 | And when they're six months old, nine months old, 18 months old, whatever will work.
00:02:25.400 | Set those books in front of them with kids of different color.
00:02:30.040 | And these books are about adoption or non adoption.
00:02:33.680 | They're about the whole range of kids going up together and transracial adoptions.
00:02:38.320 | There are a lot of good books out there for this.
00:02:41.120 | Find them and make sure you're just reading about it and talking about it.
00:02:44.720 | Right apart from applying it to your own kid.
00:02:47.600 | This is reality.
00:02:48.960 | So the books grow with the child and the board books at the beginning that they chew on and
00:02:53.520 | then more sophisticated books.
00:02:57.000 | And very soon this kid's going to have some questions and then you're just going to answer
00:03:01.080 | those questions.
00:03:02.080 | Talitha remembers from very early a book about hair.
00:03:08.200 | It was just about hair and the African-American experience of hair.
00:03:14.560 | And she didn't have any self-conscious at the time being African-American at all.
00:03:18.680 | But she says she can remember this.
00:03:20.800 | So she was probably what three maybe.
00:03:22.560 | I don't know.
00:03:23.560 | I have a little different kinds of hair, which which was helpful.
00:03:27.800 | You don't wait until a magic moment to say you were adopted.
00:03:34.620 | This is spoken from the beginning.
00:03:37.120 | Like like you have five toes and you have eyes and some kids have brown eyes and some
00:03:42.360 | have blue eyes.
00:03:43.360 | You have brown eyes.
00:03:44.360 | Some kids are adopted.
00:03:45.360 | Some kids come another way.
00:03:47.880 | You came by adoption.
00:03:50.320 | And they don't they won't even they'll be so confused.
00:03:53.920 | But they're happy.
00:03:54.920 | You know they're happy.
00:03:56.480 | You're talking about things and I'll know what you're talking about someday.
00:03:59.720 | Now here's an event.
00:04:01.220 | Here's an illustration.
00:04:03.080 | Talitha was what I don't know how old she was two or three.
00:04:06.960 | But anyway we were at a pro-life march.
00:04:09.480 | OK.
00:04:10.480 | Every year we march in with several thousand people.
00:04:13.040 | And they've got these big pictures of these babies.
00:04:15.000 | And of course some of them are horrible pictures.
00:04:17.440 | And you probably shield your little one from from that.
00:04:19.680 | But beautiful pictures of babies.
00:04:21.600 | And she said to Noel, "Baby, baby was born.
00:04:27.240 | Baby was born."
00:04:28.240 | Or something like that.
00:04:29.240 | And Talitha said, "Yes.
00:04:32.000 | And you were born."
00:04:33.620 | And Talitha said, "No.
00:04:35.320 | I wasn't born.
00:04:36.520 | I was adopted."
00:04:38.640 | So up until that time she was hearing the language.
00:04:43.160 | And some are born and some are adopted.
00:04:46.040 | And that's the way she had put it together.
00:04:47.760 | I'm the adopted kind.
00:04:51.000 | And so over the next half hour by the time that was done she, Noel, had made a little
00:04:56.600 | progress in sorting out.
00:04:58.280 | No, no.
00:04:59.280 | Adopted kids are also born kids.
00:05:02.520 | And now that of course is going to raise a whole slew of questions of did I come from
00:05:07.240 | you or somebody else?
00:05:10.060 | But you know kids ask questions very early before they're ready for answers.
00:05:15.360 | And the Lord gives you wisdom to know the kind of helpful thing to say that gives them
00:05:22.240 | just enough of what they need to run off and be happy with their friends before you give
00:05:28.320 | them a big lecture that they weren't even intending to ask about.
00:05:32.520 | Of course you need answers ready when the hard questions come.
00:05:37.600 | Why did my mommy give me away?
00:05:41.560 | You need an answer for that.
00:05:43.920 | Who is my daddy?
00:05:45.840 | Why didn't he stay around?
00:05:48.120 | Why don't we know who he is?
00:05:50.720 | Did he not care about me?
00:05:53.320 | Those are the questions for which there are Christian answers.
00:05:59.480 | And mainly you try to discern at those moments where the child is and what they really want
00:06:05.360 | to know.
00:06:06.360 | And you massively affirm that you have chosen them.
00:06:11.760 | You care for them.
00:06:13.480 | You are mommy and daddy.
00:06:15.320 | They are loved by you.
00:06:17.200 | And then you provide them whatever you can about the hardship that mom and dad were going
00:06:23.580 | through that made it very hard for them to love you the way they wanted to and you know
00:06:29.560 | something like that.
00:06:31.040 | So the principle is adoption is normal and wonderful and a perfectly natural process
00:06:38.660 | of life.
00:06:39.660 | Speak of it that way from the very beginning.
00:06:42.240 | God adopted us.
00:06:43.600 | Lots of kids and children are adopted.
00:06:45.200 | There are a lot of adopted families.
00:06:48.840 | We chose you.
00:06:49.960 | We wanted you.
00:06:51.340 | You are very precious to us.
00:06:53.200 | You are here and I am your daddy and I will always be here for you.
00:06:57.000 | You're safe.
00:06:58.000 | Thank you for your example, Pastor John.
00:07:00.280 | And thank you, Noel and Talitha for your input in this episode.
00:07:03.320 | I'm sure it's going to help a lot of people.
00:07:05.440 | So thank you for that.
00:07:06.440 | This is the third and final part of a little series of episodes on adoption.
00:07:10.240 | Be sure to check out the two previous episodes, number 349 and 350 for more if you haven't
00:07:14.920 | heard those.
00:07:15.920 | Well, adoption is a joy to talk about and it's so wonderful to see happen.
00:07:20.800 | But there are subjects on this podcast that we address that are neither joyful to talk
00:07:24.480 | about nor wonderful to see happen.
00:07:27.060 | And that will be the case tomorrow when we address the subject of suicide and salvation.
00:07:31.920 | It's a question that has hit home for Pastor John over the years.
00:07:35.440 | It's a very personal question for him.
00:07:37.880 | And we'll talk about that with him tomorrow.
00:07:39.840 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.
00:07:41.000 | Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast.
00:07:43.360 | [END]
00:07:43.860 | 1.
00:07:44.860 | Is there a reason why people don't talk about suicide?
00:07:45.860 | 2.
00:07:46.860 | Is there a reason why people don't talk about suicide?
00:07:47.860 | 3.
00:07:48.860 | Is there a reason why people don't talk about suicide?
00:07:49.860 | 4.
00:07:50.860 | Is there a reason why people don't talk about suicide?
00:07:51.860 | 5.