How Can We Prioritize Our Marriage over Work and Kids?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | Happy Friday everyone,

00:00:05.700 | and happy birthday to you Pastor John,

00:00:08.520 | and happy birthday to the Ask Pastor John podcast.

00:00:11.880 | Today the podcast turns six,

00:00:14.240 | and Pastor John turns 73, milestones everywhere.

00:00:18.880 | And today we're turning our attention to marriage.

00:00:21.680 | We've been talking about Bible questions

00:00:23.080 | up until this point in the new year.

00:00:25.500 | We transition now and turn our attention to marriage.

00:00:28.680 | It's a question from a listener named Emily

00:00:30.560 | that comes into us.

00:00:31.800 | She writes this, "Hello Pastor John,

00:00:33.280 | my husband and I have been married for almost seven years,

00:00:36.800 | and we have small children.

00:00:38.400 | We both love the Lord and have recently become convicted

00:00:41.120 | by how our marriage has fallen in our priorities,

00:00:43.760 | losing out to work, keeping up with the details of life,

00:00:47.160 | and trying to muddle through parenting.

00:00:49.400 | In the spirit of New Year's resolutions,

00:00:51.320 | could you give us some practical advice and wisdom

00:00:53.480 | on how to keep our marriage

00:00:55.360 | the number one earthly relationship

00:00:57.920 | and restore it to its due place of prominence in our lives?"

00:01:01.760 | - Forgive me, Emily,

00:01:03.320 | if I make things a little more complicated.

00:01:05.600 | (both laughing)

00:01:07.480 | I love the question,

00:01:09.120 | how do you restore marriage

00:01:11.680 | to its due place of prominence in our lives?

00:01:15.960 | I'm not quite as happy with the question,

00:01:19.840 | how do we keep our marriage the number one earthly,

00:01:24.840 | and I know it's earthly, relationship.

00:01:27.560 | He's not competing with God here,

00:01:29.880 | the number one earthly relationship.

00:01:32.160 | Is marriage the number one earthly relationship?

00:01:36.360 | What gives me pause about saying yes

00:01:41.080 | is that Jesus is clear that marriage

00:01:43.480 | is not going to be an eternal relationship, Matthew 22, 30,

00:01:47.840 | "In the resurrection, they neither marry

00:01:49.800 | nor are given in marriage."

00:01:51.400 | While the family relationship among true believers

00:01:55.120 | is eternal, through faith in Christ,

00:01:58.360 | God makes us children of God,

00:02:00.800 | and if children, then heirs,

00:02:02.360 | heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ,

00:02:04.360 | that never, ever comes to an end.

00:02:07.400 | So relationship with fellow Christians

00:02:10.320 | as brothers and sisters is eternal.

00:02:14.760 | Relationship with husband or wife is not eternal.

00:02:19.440 | So is marriage the number one relationship?

00:02:22.720 | Now, I haven't answered the question yet.

00:02:24.360 | I'm just saying here's some stuff to consider.

00:02:26.920 | It's not an easy question.

00:02:28.400 | Consider this, in Titus 2, 3-5,

00:02:31.400 | Paul says older women in the church,

00:02:33.960 | older women are to train the younger women

00:02:37.320 | to love their husbands, et cetera.

00:02:39.080 | So the relationship in the church

00:02:41.720 | of older women to younger women

00:02:43.320 | has a kind of primacy because the teaching

00:02:48.000 | is flowing from the Christian community

00:02:51.680 | toward the marriage relationship.

00:02:54.320 | However, on the other hand,

00:02:57.240 | Paul says that the men in the church

00:03:00.400 | who serve as elders must manage their own household well,

00:03:05.400 | with all dignity, keeping their children submissive,

00:03:10.520 | for if someone doesn't know how to manage his household,

00:03:15.400 | how will he care for God's church?

00:03:18.520 | So here, the marriage seems to have a kind of primacy

00:03:23.520 | because it becomes the measure of whether one is fit

00:03:28.520 | to lead in the church.

00:03:30.960 | In other words, men learn how to love and lead at home,

00:03:35.400 | or you won't be fit to serve the wider family of God.

00:03:40.400 | So is marriage and home the number one earthly relationship?

00:03:45.480 | My answer is yes and no.

00:03:48.840 | Forgive me for making things complicated.

00:03:51.080 | It depends on how you are measuring it,

00:03:54.480 | but however you measure, it is,

00:03:57.480 | let's just agree with Emily here, massively important.

00:04:01.840 | And Emily's second question is crucial,

00:04:04.520 | namely, how do you restore marriage to its due place,

00:04:08.280 | or how do you preserve its due place

00:04:11.200 | of prominence in our lives?

00:04:13.080 | That's what she's really asking.

00:04:14.840 | She doesn't want me to mess it up with complications.

00:04:17.200 | That's the right and good question.

00:04:18.880 | So let me give six brief bullet-like suggestions.

00:04:23.880 | All of them probably should have a chapter behind them.

00:04:26.960 | And I'm speaking to Emily here,

00:04:29.520 | but not separate from her husband.

00:04:32.680 | So push pause, go get your husband.

00:04:37.000 | Like Jesus said, go get your husband.

00:04:38.840 | If she becomes the leader in these things

00:04:43.320 | that I'm gonna say now, and he's just drug along,

00:04:46.360 | that's not gonna work.

00:04:47.600 | That's gonna unravel in the end.

00:04:50.040 | Number one, embed your marriage in the church.

00:04:53.920 | And I base that on everything I've just been saying

00:04:55.800 | for the last five minutes or so.

00:04:57.280 | Don't rest until you have woven your marriage,

00:05:00.920 | your lives, into a wider family of mature saints

00:05:04.440 | who wanna go hard after God with you

00:05:06.440 | and make each other's marriages all they can be for God.

00:05:10.360 | Number two, read a few solid biblical books on marriage,

00:05:15.040 | not fluffy ones with mere pop psychology.

00:05:18.560 | And here's my suggestion, read them out loud together.

00:05:23.000 | Sit on the couch and read them out loud together.

00:05:25.880 | Take turns reading back and forth,

00:05:28.220 | or whoever reads best can just read it out loud.

00:05:31.520 | Put the children to bed by 7.30.

00:05:34.360 | If you're objecting, "Well, we got kids.

00:05:36.200 | "Don't you know we got kids?"

00:05:37.320 | No, I do know you have kids.

00:05:39.040 | It can be done.

00:05:40.320 | Harold, hey, world, hey, young parents,

00:05:43.680 | children can be put to bed at 7.30, and they will do it.

00:05:48.240 | They will do it.

00:05:49.080 | You can make them do it.

00:05:49.900 | They'll get used to it.

00:05:50.840 | Then you have two hours to do important things

00:05:54.880 | like sit on the couch and read

00:05:57.280 | and pray together about marriage, not wasted on television.

00:06:02.160 | Number three, husband, take responsibility for all of this.

00:06:07.160 | Now, taking responsibility doesn't mean doing

00:06:11.200 | all that needs to be done to make a marriage

00:06:13.600 | what it ought to be.

00:06:14.680 | That's not gonna work.

00:06:15.960 | Rather, taking responsibility means owning the challenge

00:06:20.840 | that when something is broken,

00:06:23.760 | your calling is not figuring out whether it's her fault.

00:06:28.760 | Your calling is to overcome your frustration,

00:06:34.000 | your self-pity, your anger, and your withdrawal,

00:06:38.040 | and do all you can to move things forward.

00:06:42.560 | And keep on doing this until one of you is dead.

00:06:47.160 | You never get a pass on Christ-like burden bearing.

00:06:52.960 | That's what headship is.

00:06:55.520 | You never get a pass.

00:06:56.600 | You never say, "I'm sick of this.

00:06:58.320 | "There's no response to it.

00:06:59.500 | "No way, no pass.

00:07:00.900 | "One of you dies, then you're free."

00:07:02.960 | This is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

00:07:07.220 | That's why God gave it to you, man.

00:07:09.840 | Not because she can't do it.

00:07:11.640 | Of course she can.

00:07:12.720 | But because Christ-modeling men want to lift

00:07:17.440 | this burden for her.

00:07:20.840 | Number four, husbands, plan a weekly date

00:07:25.040 | that is at least partly a state of the marriage conversation.

00:07:28.800 | Draw her out, find out what she's seeing and feeling

00:07:33.800 | about the state of the marriage.

00:07:36.120 | Talk through steps to make things better,

00:07:38.580 | better schedule, better discipline of the kids,

00:07:41.140 | better sex, better hospitality,

00:07:44.060 | better financial stewardship.

00:07:45.540 | Talk it through, bring it up.

00:07:47.220 | Draw her out once a week, state of the marriage lunch.

00:07:51.780 | Number five, Emily, wives, encourage him

00:07:56.500 | in every fruitful way in all the efforts

00:08:00.260 | of this kind of initiative taking.

00:08:02.500 | Find out what energizes his spiritual leadership

00:08:06.500 | and invest in it.

00:08:09.300 | And finally, number six, pray together every day.

00:08:13.120 | Not just the two of you at dinner with the kids,

00:08:16.260 | not just at meals or in a family relationship.

00:08:20.880 | Here's the amazing summary of husbands and wives together

00:08:25.880 | according to Peter, 1 Peter 3, 7.

00:08:30.180 | Husbands, live with your wives according to knowledge,

00:08:35.180 | showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel

00:08:39.500 | since they are heirs with you of the grace of life

00:08:44.120 | so that your prayers may not be hindered.

00:08:49.120 | God is the key to your marriage

00:08:54.240 | and its proper and due place of prominence.

00:08:58.400 | Seek him together.

00:09:00.880 | Amen, thank you for the counsel,

00:09:02.120 | biblical and seasoned with age, Pastor John.

00:09:05.240 | And I hope you enjoy that large Butterfinger blister

00:09:09.400 | that you're gonna enjoy today.

00:09:11.280 | And six years now, six years for the podcast now,

00:09:14.820 | we're entering our seventh year.

00:09:16.280 | In that time, we've produced over 1,300 total episodes,

00:09:19.560 | including the very first episode

00:09:21.280 | which launched on John Piper's 67th birthday back in 2013.

00:09:26.160 | Thanks for all your interests and questions

00:09:27.640 | over the past six years.

00:09:29.560 | You can search all those episodes,

00:09:31.040 | you can read full transcripts and send us your own questions

00:09:33.600 | all at our online home at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.

00:09:38.600 | Well, on Monday, a question about Calvinism comes up,

00:09:41.560 | specifically if Romans 9 speaks of the election

00:09:43.600 | of the saved in terms of being not of works.

00:09:47.360 | Why do Calvinists so often speak of reprobation,

00:09:50.160 | of non-believers based on sinful works?

00:09:53.860 | Why make election unconditional and conditional?

00:09:57.360 | That's on Monday, interesting question.

00:09:58.800 | I'm your host Tony Rienke.

00:09:59.640 | Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast

00:10:02.120 | with longtime author and pastor John Piper.

00:10:05.200 | See you then.

00:10:06.040 | (upbeat music)

00:10:08.620 | (upbeat music)

00:10:11.200 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

How Can We Prioritize Our Marriage over Work and Kids?

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