Is Oral Sex Okay?

00:00:00.000 | It's episode number 400, and such a milestone should be marked with an epic episode.

00:00:11.200 | And you ask the questions, I offer them to Pastor John, and he answers them.

00:00:14.720 | That's how it works on the Ask Pastor John podcast.

00:00:16.800 | And we get a lot of questions about relationships and dating and marriage, and of course, a

00:00:21.800 | lot of questions about sex.

00:00:23.840 | And that leads to episodes that may not be suitable for all listeners and are really

00:00:27.400 | designed to be listened to by married couples, and that's the case today.

00:00:32.080 | In the last month, 10 questions have arrived on the question of oral sex.

00:00:36.720 | The question is all the same, Pastor John, is this a practice that's permissible in a

00:00:40.920 | Christian marriage, or is this always sinful?

00:00:45.120 | Questions relating to sexual intimacy should, I think, be handled with what you might call

00:00:53.860 | verbal modesty rather than shocking or crass words.

00:01:02.040 | I think dressing and talking in the immodest ways are both wrong.

00:01:10.000 | So that's kind of governing some of my language now.

00:01:15.080 | These are real concerns.

00:01:17.120 | I'm okay with this question.

00:01:18.320 | It's a little bit, you know, difficult and sensitive, but it's okay.

00:01:23.300 | People want biblical guidance, and so here's my effort at biblical wisdom.

00:01:31.440 | First of all, I'm assuming the question is only relating to people who are married.

00:01:37.320 | When I give this counsel, I think it is wrong outside marriage.

00:01:43.040 | And we could talk about that another time more extensively, but here's the short answer

00:01:46.620 | why.

00:01:48.240 | Oral sex is even more intimate and delicate, it seems, than copulation.

00:01:57.720 | And we know this because even married couples are wondering if they should go there.

00:02:04.040 | It's as if it's a stage of intimacy that may not even be proper for married people.

00:02:10.220 | And so to think it can be an innocent substitute for copulation so people can obey the letter

00:02:16.960 | of the law outside marriage is a mirage.

00:02:21.240 | That's the first observation.

00:02:23.880 | In marriage, here's what I would say.

00:02:27.000 | If oral sex is wrong, I can think of four possible reasons it would be wrong.

00:02:35.280 | I'll name them, and then I'll ask this question.

00:02:37.960 | Do those four things exist?

00:02:41.280 | Number one, it would be wrong if it were prohibited in the Bible.

00:02:45.480 | Number two, it would be wrong if it were unnatural.

00:02:50.680 | Number three, it would be wrong if it were unhealthy, or that is, harmful.

00:02:56.180 | Number four, it would be wrong if it were unkind.

00:02:59.960 | So let's take those one at a time.

00:03:01.480 | Number one, I don't think oral sex is explicitly prohibited in any biblical command.

00:03:09.360 | If the Bible proscribes it, it would have to be by principle and not by an explicit

00:03:16.280 | command.

00:03:17.280 | Number two, is it unnatural?

00:03:20.800 | This is a tricky one.

00:03:23.560 | The male and female genitals are so clearly made for each other that there is a natural

00:03:31.440 | fitness or beauty to it.

00:03:34.920 | What about oral sex?

00:03:36.920 | Now you might jump to the conclusion and say, "Nope, that's not natural."

00:03:42.520 | But I'm slow to go there because of what the Proverbs and the Song of Solomon say about

00:03:52.440 | a wife's breasts.

00:03:54.400 | This is kind of an analogy, so consider this.

00:03:58.720 | It seems to me nothing is more natural than a baby snuggling in his mother's arms, drinking

00:04:06.160 | at her breast.

00:04:08.120 | That's what breasts are.

00:04:10.080 | They're designed to feed babies.

00:04:13.320 | So is there anything physically natural about a husband's fascination with his wife's breasts?

00:04:22.760 | Well, you might say, "No, that's not what breasts are for."

00:04:29.560 | But Proverbs 5.19 says, "Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight, be intoxicated

00:04:38.600 | always with her love."

00:04:41.400 | And Song of Solomon 7, 7 and 8 are even more explicit.

00:04:46.800 | Speaking of the woman, "Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its

00:04:52.960 | clusters.

00:04:53.960 | I say, I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit.

00:05:00.880 | Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine."

00:05:05.680 | Well, even though there is very little anatomical correlation between a man's hands or his

00:05:16.520 | lips and his wife's breasts, it surely seems to be "natural" in another way, namely a built-in

00:05:27.600 | delight and desire that God, in his Word, seems to commend for our marital enjoyment.

00:05:38.880 | So I ask, well, might there be similar desires for oral sex or other kinds of sex?

00:05:47.560 | So I doubt that we should put a limit on a married couple based on the claim of it being

00:05:54.840 | "unnatural."

00:05:55.840 | That's risky, but that's where I come down on the naturalness of it.

00:06:02.440 | Here's number three.

00:06:03.440 | Is it unhealthy or harmful?

00:06:05.440 | Well, it certainly might be if there are any sexually transmitted diseases present, and

00:06:11.960 | it could be performed in harmful ways.

00:06:14.600 | And so the couple needs to be very honest and caring by not taking risks that would

00:06:20.240 | be unloving, which leads to the last one, number four.

00:06:24.720 | Is it unkind?

00:06:26.840 | Now I think this one is probably the one that touches the rawest nerve and the one that

00:06:34.760 | has the greatest impact.

00:06:37.880 | Will you pressure your spouse for oral sex if he or she finds it unpleasant?

00:06:48.560 | If so, then you are unkind.

00:06:53.120 | It's a sin to be unkind.

00:06:56.520 | Ephesians 4, 2, "Be kind to one another."

00:07:00.440 | But the key word here is "pressure."

00:07:04.360 | I know that 1 Corinthians 7, 4 says, "The wife does not have authority over her own

00:07:10.920 | body, but the husband does.

00:07:13.160 | Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."

00:07:19.120 | And the context there is sex.

00:07:21.720 | So what does that mean practically?

00:07:24.040 | Well, it means that both the husband and the wife have the right to say to the other, "I

00:07:31.520 | would like to blank."

00:07:34.280 | And both of them have the right to say, "I would rather not blank."

00:07:39.720 | And in a good marriage, the biblically beautiful marriage, both of them seek to outdo the other

00:07:48.320 | in showing kindness.

00:07:51.880 | So those are my principles, Tony, that would guide, I think, the Christian couple in this

00:07:58.280 | matter of oral sex.

00:08:02.400 | All right, thank you, Pastor John.

00:08:03.680 | That was episode number 400.

00:08:05.280 | I think it was epic.

00:08:06.880 | Episode number 300 was epic.

00:08:08.200 | 200 was epic.

00:08:09.400 | How epic, you can find out for yourself in the Ask Pastor John podcast archive, easily

00:08:13.000 | found in the app for the iPhone and the Android.

00:08:16.280 | And biblical discernment is a good thing.

00:08:18.560 | It's a great thing, as long as it's handled rightly.

00:08:21.520 | But there's a wrong kind of discernment, and we're going to talk about that tomorrow.

00:08:25.320 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:08:26.400 | Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast.

00:08:28.760 | [end]

00:08:29.260 | 1.

00:08:30.260 | Is there a difference between a Christian and a non-Christian?

00:08:31.260 | 2.

00:08:32.260 | Is there a difference between a Christian and a non-Christian?

00:08:33.260 | 3.

00:08:34.260 | Is there a difference between a Christian and a non-Christian?

00:08:34.260 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Is Oral Sex Okay?

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