Who Should Discipline the Kids — Mom or Dad?
00:00:00.000 | [Music]
00:00:05.000 | Today we have a question about disciplining children, and assumed here as a parent's
00:00:09.000 | biblical conviction for using physical discipline in the first place.
00:00:13.000 | And it's a question from Timothy, who has this conviction in place. He asks this,
00:00:17.000 | "Pastor John, as a husband, father, and leader of my household, I feel as though it is my
00:00:21.000 | primary responsibility to discipline the children. Is this biblically accurate,
00:00:25.000 | and what role should my wife play in the discipline process?"
00:00:29.000 | I like this question, too, because we've raised five kids now.
00:00:33.000 | Talitha's still at home. She's 18. She's her own person.
00:00:38.000 | There's not a lot of spanking going on here in the Fiverr household anymore,
00:00:42.000 | but once upon a time there was. Four sons.
00:00:46.000 | And so I think discipline is very positive and often laden with grace and with words.
00:00:53.000 | And it's also at times painful and negative and a swat on the behind.
00:00:58.000 | I used to joke as a family that the Lord made our boys real chubby so that they wouldn't be damaged.
00:01:03.000 | And they never were damaged. If you're damaged, you're not disciplining, you're abusing.
00:01:07.000 | And there's a huge difference between a sweet, warm, loving punishment from a father or a mom.
00:01:15.000 | So anyway, all that to say, we've done this.
00:01:19.000 | And I went downstairs when I read the question last night, before I gave some thought to it,
00:01:24.000 | to talk to Noel and to Talitha about this. And I'll go ahead and say what I'm going to say.
00:01:29.000 | And then I'll tell you what Noel said, if I can remember, because she had a thing or two to add.
00:01:35.000 | Here's my principle. The rule we followed in all of our upbringing,
00:01:40.000 | I'm going to say what it is and then I'll try to give a reason why I think it's biblical,
00:01:44.000 | is that in general, the parent whose word is most immediately disobeyed does the discipline,
00:01:59.000 | whether verbal or physical, except when both parents are present, then the father steps in and does it.
00:02:11.000 | That was our rule. So you disobey mommy, mommy's going to call you to account.
00:02:15.000 | You disobey daddy, daddy's going to call you to account.
00:02:17.000 | If you disobey mommy or daddy when daddy's around, daddy's going to call you to account.
00:02:23.000 | So, for example, if we're in the living room and the little child is there playing on the floor
00:02:28.000 | and Noel says, it's time to get ready for bed now. Run along, get your pajamas on and come down
00:02:34.000 | and we'll have devotions. And daddy's sitting there, she's sitting there,
00:02:41.000 | and this little child clearly heard the message and did not move.
00:02:46.000 | Okay. At that point, dad steps up to the plate and says, your mother said,
00:02:54.000 | you're supposed to go get your pajamas on. Did you hear that?
00:02:58.000 | And you make the call as to whether something needs to be done more than that.
00:03:02.000 | But dad's not passive at this point. So that's the principle that we have worked on.
00:03:10.000 | And that the qualification, before I give you the biblical foundation for it,
00:03:15.000 | the qualification Noel gave me last night, she said, you know, there are situations.
00:03:21.000 | Do you remember when we talked it over with our kid who were giving me a hard time at the store,
00:03:27.000 | taking advantage of me at the store, not obeying me because they know in public
00:03:31.000 | that they can't have the same consequence as at home.
00:03:34.000 | And we talked with them together and we said, look, if you do this again, I say, daddy says,
00:03:40.000 | if you do this again, if mommy tells me that you're giving her a hard time, you're going to reckon with me.
00:03:45.000 | So I don't think it's good to put make dad the bogeyman all the time saying daddy's going to deal with it.
00:03:51.000 | Daddy's going to deal with this. But there are times when some special instances means
00:03:57.000 | that dad is the one who mommy points to when things have gotten out of hand.
00:04:03.000 | So why do we have that that principle that both discipline when they are alone and dad disciplines when they're together?
00:04:14.000 | And the reason it's good to discipline that mom has the right to discipline is because the Bible says she does in Deuteronomy 21, 18,
00:04:22.000 | though they discipline him referring to mom and dad. But the big issue probably for most dads is why?
00:04:31.000 | Why do I say, come on, dad, step up to the plate, become the point man when mom and dad are together.
00:04:39.000 | And here are the reasons. The Bible pictures the husband as the head, the leader, the normal initiative taker,
00:04:48.000 | which would include the vision, the vision caster for the moral life of the family.
00:04:54.000 | So together with his wife, he's thinking through and developing a vision for the moral and spiritual life of the family.
00:05:00.000 | And he's leading the family in living this out by example and by explanation.
00:05:07.000 | He's taking the initiatives to see that that happens.
00:05:09.000 | And that means that the most natural person for taking the initiative in discipline is the leader of the family.
00:05:15.000 | He leads. He goes ahead. He steps up. He's not passive. He's not waiting to see if mom acts. He moves.
00:05:23.000 | The child learns the valuable lesson that men are not passive. They're not waiting around for mom to deal with things.
00:05:30.000 | They take initiative for the good of the family. They follow through with what they taught.
00:05:36.000 | The family believes in the family does. There's no thought here that mama is a pushover.
00:05:42.000 | I don't mean to imply that she's not a pushover. He knows that these kids know that good and well.
00:05:48.000 | They're there with her most of the time and she's no pushover.
00:05:52.000 | But they want I want them to learn. We wanted them to learn that they don't tangle not only with either of us,
00:05:58.000 | that they don't tangle with with mom while dad's present, especially because a special respect is being shown there to mom by dad, by his stepping in.
00:06:06.000 | So that's reason number one. He's the head leader initiative taker.
00:06:10.000 | Reason number two is that that the husband bears this special responsibility because the Bible presents him as protector.
00:06:18.000 | Ephesians five shows that Christ is is rescuing his bride. He's saving his bride from destruction.
00:06:23.000 | And that's what husbands are to do, like Christ. And by implication, they're rescuing the children.
00:06:29.000 | And that's what discipline is. Discipline is mainly protection, protection from a kid's own selfishness, protection from a future tragedies and lawlessness.
00:06:38.000 | It's going to get the kid in trouble if he lives a life of insubordination and and selfishness.
00:06:43.000 | And the father bears a special responsibility for protecting the kids.
00:06:48.000 | That's what it means to be a man. I protect my family.
00:06:50.000 | And he protects them from the future miseries of disobedience to mom.
00:06:55.000 | Third, the husband bears this responsibility, especially to step in because the Bible presents him as a supporter and nurturer of mom.
00:07:06.000 | Ephesians five describes his tender nurture of of the bride, Christ's nurture of the bride.
00:07:13.000 | And so a husband is a a nurturer and a caregiver.
00:07:17.000 | He steps in to lift this burden from mom.
00:07:21.000 | This mom in many households anyway, has been with these kids hours on end carrying the burden of discipline.
00:07:29.000 | So when dad is around, he should pick it up, you know, lift that burden from mom and give her some relief so that she doesn't have to follow through with everything she tells these kids to do.
00:07:40.000 | These kids know when dad is present, dad's a bookstopper.
00:07:44.000 | And the last the last reason I would give for why the dads bear this special responsibility is that he is most immediately the image the child has of his heavenly father.
00:07:57.000 | The wife has a crucial role to play to fill this out.
00:08:01.000 | God is not male.
00:08:02.000 | And so women and men together are displaying things about God the kids need to know.
00:08:08.000 | But God is revealed in the Bible mainly as a father, not a mother.
00:08:13.000 | This means that a father's role is centrally important in giving a child a sense of what good fatherhood is like.
00:08:21.000 | And that includes fatherly discipline, because Hebrews 12 says the Lord disciplines those whom he loves and chastises every son whom he receives.
00:08:30.000 | So God is treating you as as sons.
00:08:33.000 | So the principle is this.
00:08:35.000 | Just end it with this.
00:08:37.000 | Both parents discipline kids.
00:08:39.000 | The mother when she's alone with the children, the father when he's alone with the children, and the father as a normal rule.
00:08:46.000 | These aren't absolutes for every single imaginable situation, but as a normal rule, when both parents are present, dad steps up.
00:08:54.000 | Yeah, good. Excellent.
00:08:56.000 | Thank you, Pastor John.
00:08:57.000 | I apologize for the annoying audio drops you may have noticed in our conversation.
00:09:00.000 | We'll get those fixed as soon as possible.
00:09:02.000 | I don't know if I'm allowed to have a favorite APJ episode, but if so, this conversation reminds me of one of my favorites, episode 45, which is titled, "How do I know if I'm being disciplined by God?"
00:09:12.000 | This one is about adults being disciplined by God, and there Pastor John shares a moving story of a time when he was disciplined by God with a kiss.
00:09:20.000 | Yes, a kiss.
00:09:22.000 | Again, that's episode 45, and you'll find it in the archive.
00:09:25.000 | Friday, we'll be back to address the important topic of feminine beauty from Scripture.
00:09:29.000 | Until then, I'm your host Tony Ranke. See you tomorrow.
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