Does My Sex Life Affect My Prayer Life?
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | - Welcome back to a new week on the Ask Pastor John podcast
00:00:06.740 | with longtime author and pastor John Piper.
00:00:10.040 | And a listener named Matt writes in,
00:00:12.280 | Pastor John, 1 Corinthians chapter seven and verse five
00:00:16.120 | says that a husband and wife should quote,
00:00:18.360 | "Not deprive one another of sexual relations,
00:00:21.200 | "except perhaps by agreement for a limited time,
00:00:24.580 | "that you may devote yourselves to prayer."
00:00:27.920 | My question is how does our sex life interfere
00:00:31.640 | with our prayer life?
00:00:33.080 | And when should there be a time
00:00:34.600 | in which a couple takes a break
00:00:35.560 | so as to devote themselves to prayer?
00:00:38.360 | Is this like the principle of fasting
00:00:40.400 | where the desire for sexual relations
00:00:42.120 | is meant to put our focus back on the Lord
00:00:44.780 | to remind us that he is our ultimate joy
00:00:47.460 | and satisfaction above all else?
00:00:49.900 | Pastor John, what would you say to Matt?
00:00:52.260 | - Okay, let's get the whole verse in front of us.
00:00:56.400 | Matt leaves out the last half,
00:00:59.320 | which really creates a helpful paradox.
00:01:03.600 | At least I have loved it
00:01:05.640 | ever since I first struggled with it.
00:01:08.120 | Here's the whole verse.
00:01:10.720 | Do not deprive one another,
00:01:12.440 | except perhaps by agreement for a limited time.
00:01:15.960 | That means deprive one another from sexual relations.
00:01:18.440 | Do not deprive one another from sexual relations,
00:01:20.760 | except perhaps by agreement for a limited time,
00:01:24.000 | that you may devote yourselves to prayer.
00:01:25.560 | And that's where he stops.
00:01:26.380 | Here's the rest of it.
00:01:27.560 | But then come together again
00:01:29.760 | so that Satan may not tempt you
00:01:32.580 | because of your lack of self-control.
00:01:34.860 | Now, what's paradoxical about this
00:01:38.120 | is that on the one hand,
00:01:40.160 | Paul sees the suspension of sexual relations
00:01:44.720 | as a means of intensified devotion to prayer,
00:01:49.600 | presumably because the couple wants a breakthrough
00:01:53.520 | in some answer to prayer
00:01:54.780 | because the devil is doing something
00:01:56.640 | they don't want him to do,
00:01:57.600 | and they want to resist the devil,
00:01:59.040 | resist unrighteousness that he's promoting.
00:02:03.000 | And so abstaining from sexual relations for prayer
00:02:06.200 | is a way of making war on Satan.
00:02:10.500 | But then on the other hand,
00:02:12.360 | Paul says the married couple should come back together
00:02:16.080 | and continue to have sexual relations
00:02:19.000 | so that Satan may not tempt you,
00:02:21.660 | which means that the regular relations in marriage
00:02:26.660 | is a weapon against Satanic triumphs.
00:02:30.580 | So abstaining from sexual relations for prayer
00:02:34.800 | is a weapon against Satan,
00:02:36.360 | and carrying on regular sexual relations
00:02:39.600 | is a weapon against Satan, and that's the paradox.
00:02:43.280 | And I think this is really important to see
00:02:45.920 | because it means that in God's design
00:02:51.600 | of the world and of human life,
00:02:54.940 | his pattern for ordinary things like sleeping,
00:02:58.980 | exercising, eating, sexual relations in marriage,
00:03:03.820 | all have their place in maintaining
00:03:07.300 | appropriate spiritual equilibrium
00:03:10.820 | that keep us from being knocked off balance by Satan.
00:03:15.780 | For example, a sleepless person is more vulnerable
00:03:19.640 | to the Satanic attack of depression and impatience.
00:03:23.700 | A person who goes for a long time without food
00:03:26.580 | may be vulnerable to the temptations of gorging
00:03:29.820 | or stealing or irritability.
00:03:33.100 | In the ordinary course of life,
00:03:35.180 | God's design for the human body has spiritual implications
00:03:40.180 | as well as physical ones,
00:03:44.020 | which means that the first thing to say about our sex lives
00:03:48.500 | is not that it interferes with our prayer lives,
00:03:53.500 | but that it may provide protection from Satanic attack
00:03:56.700 | against our prayer lives.
00:03:58.560 | A satisfied sexual pattern in marriage
00:04:04.320 | may free the mind for prayer
00:04:08.120 | and triumph over temptations to adultery
00:04:12.120 | or other kinds of sexual sin.
00:04:15.920 | And of course, I should say in passing,
00:04:19.320 | he didn't ask this,
00:04:20.520 | that God has other strategies of purity
00:04:25.220 | and glorifying him for people
00:04:27.360 | with unsatisfactory sexual lives in marriage.
00:04:32.220 | We got a question, I know, in this recent batch
00:04:36.720 | from a man who said, "We haven't had sex for five years."
00:04:44.280 | Well, that God has a special grace for,
00:04:49.160 | and single people who must read this text and say,
00:04:52.640 | "Well, that's not helpful.
00:04:54.160 | A regular pattern of sexual relations
00:04:56.080 | protect you from the devil, I'd like that."
00:04:58.560 | Well, God has other glorious gifts
00:05:02.520 | for people who don't have this particular gift.
00:05:06.080 | So what about Matt's question?
00:05:08.160 | His question was, "My question is,
00:05:10.720 | how do our sex lives interfere with our prayer lives?"
00:05:15.280 | And you can see that that's not the way
00:05:17.040 | I would ask the question,
00:05:18.280 | but it is an understandable way of putting the question
00:05:22.200 | since Paul says, "Do not deprive one another,
00:05:25.960 | except perhaps by agreement for a limited time,
00:05:28.380 | that you may devote yourselves to prayer."
00:05:31.460 | So I think Matt is on the right track
00:05:34.040 | in suggesting that Paul sees this as a kind of fasting,
00:05:38.720 | not from food, but from the ordinary pleasures of sex.
00:05:43.720 | And the point of fasting is to say
00:05:47.760 | in a more intensified way with our bodies,
00:05:51.880 | that we as a couple, a married couple,
00:05:54.920 | are deeply earnest in what we are seeking God for
00:05:59.920 | in our prayer.
00:06:02.160 | In essence, we're saying,
00:06:03.360 | we abstain from sexual pleasures of sex for a season
00:06:08.000 | in order to pray and to show with our body's denial
00:06:12.680 | how desperate we are for an answer to this prayer.
00:06:16.740 | I think that's where Matt was going
00:06:18.740 | in his suggested solution, and I think he's right.
00:06:22.560 | Or there's another take on it.
00:06:25.520 | The abstinence may be less planned than that,
00:06:30.520 | and simply a response to some terrible news that we get.
00:06:36.620 | For example, you and your spouse may be planning
00:06:39.780 | a special evening that might climax in sexual relations,
00:06:44.780 | and you're looking forward to it,
00:06:47.620 | and you get a phone call about the injury of your child
00:06:52.460 | in another state, say a college student,
00:06:54.940 | or some deep marital difficulty in some friend.
00:06:59.620 | You get a call, a desperate call,
00:07:02.260 | and you just don't have the emotional and physical
00:07:05.300 | wherewithal to pursue intimacy that night.
00:07:09.380 | You just give yourself to prayer for your child
00:07:13.860 | or for your friend.
00:07:16.100 | Either way, planned or unplanned,
00:07:19.540 | the point is not that sex is evil
00:07:22.740 | or that it is a hindrance to the ordinary life of prayer.
00:07:27.060 | The point is that every legitimate pleasure we enjoy
00:07:32.060 | may be given up for a season to underline
00:07:36.340 | our intensity of desire for answered prayer
00:07:39.900 | or to show our emotional empathy
00:07:43.540 | for someone who is suffering.
00:07:45.740 | - Yeah, interesting paradox and very helpful.
00:07:48.860 | Thank you, Pastor John, and thanks for the question, Matt.
00:07:52.660 | Of course, for all of you who are listening,
00:07:54.100 | thank you for listening to the podcast
00:07:55.500 | we publish three times a week,
00:07:57.540 | and you can subscribe to our audio feeds
00:07:59.500 | to keep up with what we're talking about,
00:08:01.160 | and you can search our episode archive
00:08:02.780 | and even reach us by email with a question you may have
00:08:05.580 | about how a particular passage
00:08:07.740 | relates to everyday life and marriage.
00:08:10.060 | You can do all of that through our online home
00:08:12.700 | at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.
00:08:17.300 | Tomorrow we hear from an older believer
00:08:19.500 | who trusts in Christ,
00:08:20.700 | but whose life feels entirely pointless
00:08:23.220 | at this stage of his life.
00:08:25.580 | So what word does Pastor John have to a man
00:08:27.300 | who feels like he's just passing time in this life?
00:08:30.900 | Well, that's what we're gonna talk about next.
00:08:32.980 | I'm your host, Tony Renke.
00:08:34.160 | Thanks for listening to the podcast.
00:08:35.600 | I know there's a lot of regular listeners out there
00:08:38.120 | listening in.
00:08:38.960 | Thank you for joining us.
00:08:40.440 | We'll see you all on Wednesday.
00:08:42.300 | (upbeat music)
00:08:44.880 | (upbeat music)
00:08:47.460 | [BLANK_AUDIO]