Dealing with Negative Comments | AMA #3 - Ask Me Anything with Lex Fridman
00:00:00.000 | Amy asks, "What's your strategy to navigate openness
00:00:03.460 | to comments and criticism while also handling negative
00:00:06.500 | and destructive feedback appropriately?"
00:00:08.960 | There's so much to say about this,
00:00:12.480 | and my opinion and thinking about it,
00:00:14.940 | I think will change throughout my life
00:00:17.680 | as it does for a lot of people
00:00:20.280 | as we learn how to navigate the internet
00:00:22.720 | and how to have, as cheesy as it is to say,
00:00:26.100 | but healthy conversation, civil discourse on the internet.
00:00:30.120 | Because there's several models of this.
00:00:33.800 | There's the Joe Rogan model.
00:00:36.560 | Again, I look up to Joe in many ways,
00:00:40.080 | in the openness and genuineness
00:00:42.840 | and the purity of the way he does communication,
00:00:45.320 | conversation with people, the way just he is,
00:00:47.920 | no matter how much money he makes.
00:00:50.160 | But his idea is that you shouldn't read any of the comments.
00:00:54.840 | And for the most part, he actually sticks to that here,
00:00:57.560 | really does not read many comments,
00:01:01.200 | except to get a certain large aggregate sense
00:01:04.800 | of where the community is.
00:01:06.680 | For me, I tend to still, first of all, I'm not famous.
00:01:11.680 | So it's not like I have a huge amount of inflow of comments,
00:01:16.720 | but there's still so much to learn from the conversations.
00:01:21.880 | And I've been fortunate and blessed for the most part
00:01:24.600 | to be surrounded by people who are kind and thoughtful
00:01:29.600 | and just everything, compassionate, empathetic,
00:01:34.760 | brilliant in ways I'm not, even in disagreement,
00:01:38.040 | especially disagreement.
00:01:39.280 | I love disagreement.
00:01:40.660 | That's one of the tragic things to me about the internet,
00:01:44.200 | about certain types of discourse,
00:01:45.880 | especially political discourse,
00:01:47.440 | is how little artful disagreement there is.
00:01:53.440 | I believe disagreement is an art.
00:01:56.720 | It requires care, it requires skill,
00:02:00.240 | it requires compassion and respect.
00:02:02.920 | One of the key underlying things to me
00:02:05.520 | behind passionate disagreement is respect,
00:02:09.900 | even a love for the other person.
00:02:11.880 | And to me, there's a line between disagreement with intent
00:02:19.680 | that doesn't deeply respect the other person
00:02:23.120 | with an intent that almost, it's somewhere between apathy
00:02:28.120 | and derision and not even hatred
00:02:34.280 | 'cause it's a jealousy, it's a dismissal,
00:02:42.000 | it's a motivation that does not respect the other person
00:02:46.760 | in some way and almost dismisses the value
00:02:49.220 | of their significance in this universe.
00:02:53.060 | And that kind of disagreement is something
00:02:57.920 | I dislike very much and I'm not open to
00:03:01.340 | and I would like to, on the internet, move away from.
00:03:05.660 | But at the same time, disagreement and criticism
00:03:10.320 | and comments that are tense, that create turmoil,
00:03:15.080 | but have underlying deep respect and love,
00:03:17.840 | those are beautiful.
00:03:19.000 | Not, those aren't as often seen on the internet,
00:03:22.680 | unfortunately, they're more often seen in person.
00:03:26.280 | And I think that's what I love.
00:03:28.400 | That's sort of the most heated,
00:03:30.200 | again, I say this over and over,
00:03:31.400 | but I think it comes from the Russian culture.
00:03:33.280 | There's this heated debates, heated conversations
00:03:35.980 | where sometimes you take in a viewpoint in person
00:03:40.200 | that you don't even believe.
00:03:41.360 | Like I play devil's advocate all the time,
00:03:43.600 | especially in political discussions.
00:03:44.960 | Somebody says they're Bernie Sanders fan,
00:03:47.120 | I will immediately become an anti-democratic socialist.
00:03:51.600 | Or if you're an Andrew Yang fan,
00:03:53.040 | I will immediately become an anti-UBI person
00:03:55.800 | in that conversation just to see, just to bounce ideas,
00:03:59.680 | to sort of take a certain on viewpoint,
00:04:01.560 | to try it on for size and see.
00:04:03.600 | And when there's underlying respect,
00:04:05.560 | you get to play, there's humor, there's wit.
00:04:07.880 | Ultimately, you arrive at something profound as a result.
00:04:11.840 | Now, that's a dream for me and I've been trying
00:04:15.400 | to cultivate a community of that kind of discourse,
00:04:17.920 | of underlying respect and love,
00:04:19.360 | whether you agree or disagree.
00:04:21.240 | And that's my openness is grounded in the optimism
00:04:25.600 | that that's possible.
00:04:26.920 | And the few criticisms or negativity that doesn't have that,
00:04:31.920 | that's really grounded in mockery
00:04:35.160 | and a complete lack of respect,
00:04:36.940 | that's just part of it.
00:04:40.160 | Sometimes you walk on a sidewalk
00:04:44.320 | and you step in dog poop.
00:04:48.120 | (laughs)
00:04:50.480 | There's gotta be a better example than that.
00:04:52.840 | But anyway, that's just life.
00:04:54.880 | This is like Forrest Gump says,
00:04:56.920 | "Shit happens," or he had the smile, whatever.
00:04:59.980 | There's other forms like, I don't know what's the,
00:05:06.320 | what's the right term for it,
00:05:07.520 | but busting each other's chops.
00:05:08.800 | I mean, that could be just a guy thing.
00:05:10.800 | It could be an everybody thing, but I love it.
00:05:13.520 | You sort of make fun of each other.
00:05:15.040 | You tease each other.
00:05:15.880 | Some of my closest friends make fun of me all the time.
00:05:18.480 | Some of the closest people, I know that that's,
00:05:22.080 | that's how we show love.
00:05:23.960 | I don't know, is you make fun of each other.
00:05:26.520 | But a lot of people get confused.
00:05:29.720 | You have to earn that.
00:05:32.080 | You have to, again, it's that love and respect.
00:05:34.500 | If you're just busting chops without having respect
00:05:38.560 | or a friendship or love, then it turns into mockery.
00:05:43.460 | And one of the fundamental problems of the internet
00:05:46.440 | is the mechanisms of social media reward you for mockery,
00:05:50.080 | whether you have the respect or not.
00:05:51.920 | It's interesting because there's a humor to it
00:05:54.540 | that everybody can, as an observer, can appreciate,
00:05:57.000 | but the people in the arena don't appreciate it
00:06:00.600 | when there's not an underlying respect.
00:06:02.240 | And so I very much see that line.
00:06:04.760 | If respect is missing, then you busting my chops
00:06:07.640 | or you disagreeing is something that I have no patience for.
00:06:11.960 | If there is an underlying respect and love
00:06:15.240 | and appreciation for each other as human beings,
00:06:17.520 | then disagreement and busting chops is a beautiful thing.
00:06:21.540 | So in general, when I take criticism,
00:06:24.780 | whether it's the harsh kind, the disrespectful kind,
00:06:28.980 | or the one that is grounded in respect,
00:06:31.120 | I kind of take it as a,
00:06:36.120 | as any kind of pain in this world.
00:06:40.500 | So I can give a stupid analogy, I guess,
00:06:42.740 | of just touching a hot stove.
00:06:44.860 | I've recently did that.
00:06:48.180 | That's why it pops to mind.
00:06:50.780 | And you kind of, what I do is I observe it,
00:06:55.780 | observe the criticism,
00:06:57.200 | observe the moment of me touching the hot stove,
00:07:00.180 | and I take a step outside of myself
00:07:02.500 | as like a third-person observer,
00:07:03.900 | just sort of breathe and take it in,
00:07:07.260 | and really just kind of take in the full richness
00:07:10.300 | of that experience.
00:07:11.380 | Then once sort of the pain of it settles,
00:07:16.980 | the sort of the shock of it,
00:07:18.140 | and it can be shocking when somebody criticizes you,
00:07:22.220 | is you see what is the lesson I can learn from this?
00:07:26.980 | That's fundamentally the, what, you know,
00:07:29.380 | strip away the meanness, the mockery,
00:07:32.000 | whatever that might be there,
00:07:33.380 | or if it's respect or disagreement,
00:07:35.340 | the biting fact that somebody disagrees,
00:07:40.080 | and just see what's the insight here that I can take away,
00:07:43.600 | what's the lesson I can learn that I can grow from?
00:07:47.760 | So in touching the hot stove,
00:07:50.640 | the reason I got burnt is I was checking if it's hot,
00:07:54.440 | if it's working, 'cause it didn't look like it was working.
00:07:57.560 | And so I guess the lesson I can learn from that
00:08:00.440 | is that you don't have to actually touch the stove
00:08:02.740 | to figure out that it's working.
00:08:04.200 | You can just hover your hand above it,
00:08:06.320 | and you can sense the heat, right?
00:08:08.480 | Okay, perhaps a stupid analogy,
00:08:10.520 | but it's a lesson I can learn moving forward.
00:08:13.720 | I can do better next time, I can grow from.
00:08:16.040 | Criticism, the same thing.
00:08:17.680 | I mean, there's a lot of people that criticize
00:08:19.920 | little things about the way I communicate.
00:08:24.400 | I really put myself out there, I make myself fragile.
00:08:27.520 | I make myself vulnerable to criticism.
00:08:29.920 | And you know, you say things like,
00:08:33.680 | I'm too philosophical, or I get too in the weeds
00:08:38.640 | about something without covering
00:08:40.560 | some other fundamental part, if we're having a conversation.
00:08:43.880 | Or I have a monotone voice, not enough emotion,
00:08:46.600 | not enough personality.
00:08:48.160 | All those kinds of things that have
00:08:49.520 | an inkling of truth to them.
00:08:51.240 | Some things that can't really help,
00:08:53.520 | some things I can work on.
00:08:54.800 | It might be a long-term thing.
00:08:56.960 | People say I mumble, I need to articulate better.
00:09:00.560 | That's something I'm cognizant of, and I try to work on.
00:09:05.560 | Some people say I don't make enough eye contact.
00:09:08.360 | All those kinds of things.
00:09:09.320 | I mean, there's truth in them,
00:09:11.640 | even if they come with meanness.
00:09:13.760 | Some people say I ask too many stupid questions.
00:09:17.600 | And you take criticism, you think about that.
00:09:21.480 | Is there some deep insight there that's useful?
00:09:24.280 | And like the stupid question one,
00:09:28.760 | I can now, the process is I empathize,
00:09:33.560 | where did that person's criticism come from?
00:09:36.400 | What is their worldview from which
00:09:37.920 | they come to that criticism?
00:09:39.520 | Because for me, in conversation, for example,
00:09:42.440 | when somebody says that I came off,
00:09:44.560 | I asked a stupid question, I came off as stupid,
00:09:47.120 | or I got outclassed in conversation,
00:09:49.480 | to me that means that was a success.
00:09:51.960 | Because my role in these conversations,
00:09:54.120 | my goal is to be, is to have no ego,
00:09:58.600 | to let the other person shine.
00:10:00.680 | And asking the simplest possible question,
00:10:04.720 | almost naive kinds of questions,
00:10:07.240 | get to the fundamental core of ideas
00:10:09.280 | that I think could potentially be beautiful.
00:10:12.040 | If the other person comes there
00:10:14.680 | and is willing to accept the dance
00:10:17.120 | of the sort of, the silly Russian asking the silly question,
00:10:24.760 | accept the chance to answer that silly question
00:10:28.720 | with something beautiful and profound.
00:10:30.200 | I think that's the goal.
00:10:31.960 | And yeah, from your perspective,
00:10:33.640 | that might come off, if not done well,
00:10:36.160 | or if the other person doesn't accept the dance,
00:10:38.540 | it can come off as I'm asking really dumb questions
00:10:43.280 | that have no useful, no use in conversation.
00:10:48.280 | If it's really successful and done beautifully,
00:10:51.440 | and some of that is luck,
00:10:54.520 | and then it works out and nobody notices it,
00:10:56.440 | and then it's, nobody notices how dumb the question was.
00:10:59.540 | And in terms of being outclassed,
00:11:03.680 | I got so many comments that, like Jim Keller,
00:11:06.920 | for example, somebody I deeply admire
00:11:09.480 | and a brilliant guy, totally outclassed me in conversation.
00:11:13.040 | To me, that's a success.
00:11:14.400 | This isn't a competition to me.
00:11:17.120 | To me, it's a way to let Jim's ideas shine.
00:11:20.200 | I did wanna push back enough, but that's the beauty of it.
00:11:23.400 | I wanna push back and disagree
00:11:25.480 | so that it leads to something productive,
00:11:28.240 | and ultimately, they can shine with something profound.
00:11:31.880 | I don't want to articulate my disagreement
00:11:34.160 | to a point where it becomes awkward and too tense and so on.
00:11:38.480 | Just like in dancing, I love, for example,
00:11:44.040 | I get so much shit for saying "Sentimental Woman"
00:11:46.840 | is a good movie, but I do like the tango.
00:11:49.280 | I do like certain types of dances.
00:11:51.040 | Tango's probably my favorite.
00:11:53.440 | And there's a lead and there's a follow,
00:11:55.600 | and that's true in dance.
00:11:59.480 | That's, I think, true in conversation.
00:12:02.380 | Those can switch, of course, in conversation,
00:12:04.160 | but there's an art to it.
00:12:05.600 | And the people that criticize certain aspects of that
00:12:09.060 | have a lot of kernels of truth that I pick on
00:12:12.280 | and I pick from and learn from.
00:12:16.120 | And so it's a gift.
00:12:17.200 | I see it as a beautiful gift,
00:12:20.520 | but it burns, especially if it lacks the respect,
00:12:25.040 | if it has those elements of mockery and derision,
00:12:29.440 | like I mentioned.
00:12:30.680 | One of the things I do next after I think about the lesson
00:12:34.380 | is I kind of imagine them in my head,
00:12:39.380 | and I send love to them.
00:12:44.160 | I forgive them.
00:12:45.560 | It sounds silly, not that they ask for my forgiveness,
00:12:48.160 | but in my mind, I kind of,
00:12:49.780 | I forgive the roughness of their message.
00:12:55.080 | And I also like to imagine meeting them in person
00:13:00.080 | and shaking their hand
00:13:02.520 | and sort of having a laugh about something silly.
00:13:06.100 | 'Cause I think I kind of imagine,
00:13:09.120 | or I have an optimistic view of it
00:13:10.760 | that a lot of it is just miscommunication
00:13:13.080 | or perhaps my misinterpretation
00:13:14.920 | of where they were coming from,
00:13:16.880 | but in person, a lot of those things fade away
00:13:18.960 | and you just focus,
00:13:20.140 | you don't sweat the small stuff,
00:13:24.040 | and it's all small stuff, right?
00:13:27.280 | You just kind of laugh at the,
00:13:29.880 | you become quick friends, I think.
00:13:31.520 | That's the optimism I have
00:13:32.680 | about most interactions on the internet
00:13:34.640 | is that if you actually met in person,
00:13:36.300 | you get along just great.
00:13:38.600 | And on social media, if there is disrespect,
00:13:42.400 | I do, at least at this time,
00:13:44.960 | if I see that there's not an underlying respect
00:13:49.960 | and love and appreciation for each other,
00:13:52.880 | I reach my hand out, I try to patch it up,
00:13:57.280 | but if that doesn't work,
00:13:58.600 | I usually sort of,
00:13:59.520 | whatever the mechanism social media provides
00:14:02.120 | of blocking, of muting, of limiting,
00:14:04.400 | somehow I do it.
00:14:06.560 | And it's, again, not because of some kind of anger
00:14:11.720 | and any kind of negative ill feeling,
00:14:15.600 | it's just about that I don't see the,
00:14:18.080 | that medium doesn't seem to be one
00:14:21.200 | where we would be able to find a mutual respect,
00:14:25.040 | or one of us wouldn't be able to find a respect.
00:14:27.640 | So I'll reach out my hand,
00:14:28.800 | but if it gets slapped down,
00:14:30.200 | I'll block, mute, whatever the mechanism allows,
00:14:35.880 | and then just wait until we meet in person.
00:14:38.240 | And maybe then, instead of a handshake,
00:14:40.220 | I'll go straight in for the hug.
00:14:42.160 | So I think even with the roughest interactions,
00:14:47.160 | if we met in person, it would go along great.
00:14:50.560 | And I just then don't see social media
00:14:52.400 | as a great place for it.
00:14:53.480 | But again, I first take in whatever the commentary
00:14:57.000 | they make and try to find the insight in it.
00:15:01.540 | And after that, it can burn, it can burn,
00:15:06.000 | and I just forget it, put it behind me,
00:15:07.920 | and go on with a smile.
00:15:09.520 | Again, forgive them, send love their way,
00:15:12.160 | and then move on after the lesson has been learned.
00:15:15.880 | That's my approach to,
00:15:17.500 | that's my general approach to criticism.
00:15:20.280 | And overall, I've been so fortunate
00:15:24.600 | to have so much positive feedback
00:15:29.600 | and interesting, profound conversations.
00:15:34.800 | I was challenged in a lot of interesting ways.
00:15:37.680 | I've been shown to be wrong in a lot of interesting ways
00:15:40.120 | from people that sandwich that all in a lot of respect
00:15:44.920 | and admiration and mutual admiration.
00:15:48.400 | So I've been really fortunate.
00:15:49.440 | So for the most part, it's been a lot of positive energy,
00:15:52.260 | and I appreciate that.
00:15:54.060 | And I think,
00:15:57.060 | I mean, sometimes I feel like
00:16:01.040 | I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
00:16:02.260 | So all I can do is read comments
00:16:04.320 | and read the little bit of criticism there is,
00:16:07.000 | learn from it, grow from it,
00:16:08.120 | and continue being part of this community.
00:16:11.440 | So this is kind of a new AMA thing.
00:16:13.600 | I tried to do a longer response.
00:16:15.360 | I'm trying to see if the five minutes is better,
00:16:18.080 | one minute is better, 20 minutes is better,
00:16:21.520 | or if it's better, then I just shut up and don't do these.
00:16:24.880 | So I don't know.
00:16:25.720 | But again, Amy, thank you so much.
00:16:27.360 | That was a great question.
00:16:29.160 | I think like all of us,
00:16:31.680 | I will continue to evolve in the way I take in the feedback.
00:16:36.080 | It's possible eventually I'll converge
00:16:38.280 | towards the Joe Rogan model,
00:16:39.840 | but for now, my heart, my mind, my eyes
00:16:43.720 | are open to criticism on the internet,
00:16:47.320 | not just in person.
00:16:49.400 | Thanks for the great question.
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