My Boyfriend Is Spiritually Lethargic — Should I Still Marry Him?

00:00:00.000 | We address a lot of dating questions on the podcast, and those can be found in the podcast

00:00:08.640 | archive, all of them.

00:00:10.680 | Today we add another to the list.

00:00:12.440 | This question comes from a listener named Crystal, a not yet married woman with a question

00:00:16.320 | about her current boyfriend and what it means to be unequally yoked.

00:00:21.760 | Here's Crystal's email.

00:00:22.760 | "Dear Pastor John, thank you for your episodes.

00:00:25.000 | I look forward to them every week.

00:00:26.860 | I would like to ask about the topic of being unequally yoked.

00:00:29.600 | I am in a serious relationship that is headed towards marriage with a man who became a Christian,

00:00:34.980 | but he seems to take Christ a lot more casually than I do.

00:00:39.260 | I have shared with him my desire to build a Christ-centered family and have frequently

00:00:43.100 | tried to point him towards Christ.

00:00:45.260 | He agrees, but from his actions it doesn't appear that Christ is truly number one in

00:00:49.940 | his heart.

00:00:50.940 | I'm trying my best to encourage him to have greater reverence for God without coming off

00:00:55.040 | as judgmental, but I always have this nagging worry.

00:00:58.420 | Am I still obeying Christ by continuing this relationship when my boyfriend is less spiritually

00:01:03.900 | vibrant?

00:01:05.580 | Would that make us unequally yoked?

00:01:08.040 | In my circles, it seems like there are few single Christian men who are spiritually mature

00:01:12.900 | to choose from, and I suspect I'm not the only woman facing this dilemma."

00:01:17.300 | No, I suspect you're not.

00:01:20.460 | Let me rehearse what I just heard, because it's pretty bleak.

00:01:25.420 | One, this young woman is in a relationship headed for marriage.

00:01:29.620 | Two, she is dissatisfied with how casually her boyfriend takes Christ.

00:01:35.620 | Three, she thinks his actions don't show that Christ is number one in his heart.

00:01:40.780 | Four, she wishes he had greater reverence for God.

00:01:45.740 | Five, she sees him as not spiritually vibrant.

00:01:49.820 | So, it sounds to me like she's very much aware of Paul's admonition in 1 Corinthians 7.39

00:01:58.060 | that Christians are only supposed to marry in the Lord, that is, marry other Christians,

00:02:05.420 | and she is trying to discern whether that clear line in the sand also implies that a

00:02:13.760 | serious Christian woman should not marry a lackadaisical Christian man.

00:02:20.500 | Now, my short answer from the little I know of her case is, "No, she shouldn't."

00:02:27.980 | Now, let me give some reasons for why I would be so blunt and then back up with a slight

00:02:35.260 | qualification at the end.

00:02:37.300 | So, let's start with 2 Thessalonians 3, verse 6.

00:02:41.500 | "Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away

00:02:46.500 | from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that

00:02:52.200 | you received from us."

00:02:54.520 | So there was this problem in Thessalonica that some of the church members, perhaps because

00:02:59.560 | they thought that the day of the Lord was so near, were not supporting themselves by

00:03:04.540 | work and were becoming busybodies and moochers in the church.

00:03:11.380 | And Paul didn't jump to the conclusion that they were not Christians, not yet, but said—and

00:03:20.420 | he called it a command in the name of the Lord, no less, he strengthened it—that the

00:03:26.100 | other Christians in the church should keep away from the idlers, a kind of holy ostracism,

00:03:34.060 | in the hope that this might shame them and bring them to repentance and obedience.

00:03:41.220 | Now the analogy I'm drawing between the disobedience involved in laziness and idleness at Thessalonica

00:03:49.580 | on the one hand and the kind of apparent spiritual lethargy in Crystal's boyfriend on the other

00:03:56.620 | hand is that there's disobedience on both parts.

00:04:02.380 | He takes Christ and his word casually.

00:04:07.100 | Christ doesn't seem to be number one in his heart.

00:04:10.260 | He doesn't manifest serious reverence.

00:04:12.900 | He doesn't have spiritual vitality.

00:04:14.980 | Another word for that is disobedience.

00:04:17.340 | He's disobeying the command of 2 Peter 3.18 to grow in the knowledge and the grace of

00:04:23.780 | God.

00:04:24.780 | He's disobeying the command of Revelation 3.16 that we should not be lukewarm lest Jesus

00:04:30.700 | spit us out of his mouth.

00:04:32.340 | He's disobeying the command of Romans 12.11, "Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in

00:04:39.060 | spirit."

00:04:40.100 | He's disobeying the command to serve the Lord with gladness.

00:04:43.660 | He's disobeying the command to be strong in the Lord and the strength of his might.

00:04:48.120 | He's disobeying the command to love God with all his heart and all his soul and all his

00:04:52.220 | strength and all his mind, and the list could go on and on.

00:04:56.980 | I cannot imagine Paul saying to the young women at Thessalonica, "Now, I'm calling the

00:05:03.460 | whole church to stand clear of Christian men who walk in idleness, but it's okay if you

00:05:09.860 | fall in love with one and marry him."

00:05:13.680 | You need to spend some serious time and see whether or not some changes come about to

00:05:19.380 | prove another kind of character.

00:05:22.660 | Then consider what marriage actually is designed by God to be.

00:05:28.020 | A man shall leave his mother and his father and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall

00:05:32.460 | become one flesh, Genesis 2.24.

00:05:35.860 | Something very profound is meant by the term "one flesh."

00:05:41.140 | That bodily union in sexual intercourse is the physical expression of a much deeper union

00:05:52.460 | of heart and soul pointing to the covenant relationship between Christ and the church.

00:05:58.180 | Paul quotes that very text, Genesis 2.24, and then he says in Ephesians 5, "This mystery

00:06:04.900 | is profound, and I am saying it refers to Christ and the church."

00:06:11.580 | There isn't anything in human relationships comparable to the depth of the union of persons

00:06:21.100 | between a husband and a wife in covenant relation as they seek to reflect Christ and the church.

00:06:30.260 | It's the profoundest of human relationships.

00:06:33.860 | Therefore, a woman or a man contemplating marriage should take stock with the greatest

00:06:41.300 | seriousness, "Will I be able to pursue such a profound union of heart and mind and body

00:06:48.860 | with this other person?"

00:06:51.300 | And the last thing I would draw attention to is this.

00:06:55.900 | A woman should be asking herself whether the man she is thinking about marrying is growing

00:07:03.740 | into the kind of maturity and character that will make him a responsible, Christlike spiritual

00:07:11.500 | leader in the home.

00:07:15.020 | Women are not called in marriage to lead their poor, benighted husbands.

00:07:21.660 | The Bible says that the husband is to be the head of his wife and their family.

00:07:28.580 | There is a spiritual maturity, a strength of character that precedes this leadership.

00:07:35.580 | That's what she should be looking for.

00:07:37.620 | Here's where I said at the beginning I would give a slight qualification to my statement

00:07:44.140 | that Crystal should not pursue marriage with this man.

00:07:49.780 | The qualification is this.

00:07:51.540 | It is quite possible that a man who is a newer believer may not yet have the biblical foundations

00:08:00.700 | or teaching that will enable him to grow into the kind of mature, responsible spiritual

00:08:07.180 | leader for which he's destined.

00:08:11.300 | That means that a woman considering marriage to such a spiritually untried man must be

00:08:20.460 | very discerning concerning the kind of character traits she sees emerging in him, which may

00:08:30.540 | signal that he is or is not on his way to the wisdom and knowledge and strength and

00:08:38.340 | humility required for biblical headship in his family.

00:08:43.780 | And here's the test I would encourage her to make.

00:08:48.100 | Is he humbly eager and growing, or is he half-hearted and unresponsive, or is he resistant and defensive?

00:08:57.940 | I can see those three possibilities.

00:09:00.580 | Humbly eager and growing, or half-hearted and unresponsive, or resistant and defensive.

00:09:08.100 | Those are the three responses that I can see a young convert having as a Christian leader,

00:09:15.340 | like a pastor tries to help him, or Christian books are given to him, or a Christian girlfriend

00:09:21.900 | points him toward biblical maturity.

00:09:24.860 | I think it's possible for a spiritually wise woman to see emerging character traits of

00:09:33.500 | leadership and maturity and wisdom and humility and grace and strength as she watches him

00:09:39.980 | respond.

00:09:41.060 | How does he respond to all the Christian input that he should be seeking and getting?

00:09:49.460 | If she sees eagerness and receptivity and responsiveness and growth, she may be encouraged

00:09:56.340 | to keep moving forward.

00:09:59.400 | But if she sees unresponsiveness and laziness and lack of interest, lack of zeal, or worse,

00:10:05.780 | resistance and defensiveness, it seems to me she would be asking for a lifetime of frustration

00:10:12.620 | to move forward in that situation.

00:10:14.820 | So, Crystal, may the Lord give you great wisdom and courage in this relationship.

00:10:23.460 | Don't doubt God's good and wise and loving providence in your life if you should think

00:10:31.060 | it wise to put the brakes on this relationship.

00:10:34.620 | God is for you as you walk in his will.

00:10:37.980 | That's good.

00:10:38.980 | So it seems it's better to remain unmarried than to marry a nominal, spiritually lethargic

00:10:44.420 | man, right?

00:10:45.420 | Yeah, absolutely.

00:10:46.420 | I would say that.

00:10:47.420 | And, you know, if we're going to talk about that in any detail, I would spend a good bit

00:10:51.500 | of time exalting the virtues and possibilities of singleness.

00:10:55.980 | Because I think not enough has been made in the church with regard to helping single people

00:11:02.260 | get a vision for their life while they're single.

00:11:04.600 | And that singleness may last a lifetime.

00:11:06.500 | I mean, I can point to two or three remarkable older single women at Bethlehem over the years

00:11:16.500 | whose lives were absolutely stunning in their exemplary usefulness at every level—in families,

00:11:24.780 | among children, in Bible studies and Bible teaching and service and overseas.

00:11:30.340 | And if a woman, or a man for that matter, gets a hold of the calling that Paul really

00:11:37.420 | envisioned for his own singleness, I don't think they would view the absence of marriage

00:11:43.260 | as the catastrophe that some believe it is.

00:11:47.100 | But I mean, I love marriage.

00:11:48.100 | I think marriage is God's ordinary way forward for the human race, but not for everybody.

00:11:54.380 | So yeah, the answer to that question in my mind is better to be a godly, fruitful, obedient,

00:12:02.020 | devoted single than a person who's constantly regretting that my partner just doesn't seem

00:12:11.500 | to get it spiritually, and they remain a kind of nominal spiritual dud all their lives.

00:12:20.080 | Another thing to say that we shouldn't be taking this much time to say, but another

00:12:25.060 | thing to say is, if your marriage is such a person, you should be.

00:12:29.940 | I mean, people ask me, "How do you know if you're married to the right person?"

00:12:32.380 | The answer is, look at the name on the marriage certificate.

00:12:35.380 | That's the answer.

00:12:36.500 | God doesn't encourage divorce because one partner is an unbeliever or a dud, nominal

00:12:43.420 | believer.

00:12:44.420 | You learn to grow in grace with what God has given you.

00:12:49.820 | And there's an urgent call here too for men, single men, to be discipled and to be ready

00:12:54.820 | for marriage, and that's a whole other topic.

00:12:56.940 | Oh my.

00:12:57.940 | It is a whole other topic, and I hope any young men, single men listening would not

00:13:03.460 | mainly feel beat up on or discouraged, but rather say, "Okay, I've got a job description."

00:13:11.420 | If I am to think in terms of marriage long term, the Bible says think in terms of growing

00:13:18.620 | into the humble, Christlike, wise, strong, discerning, mature man that could lead a godly,

00:13:28.700 | mature, courageous, strong, articulate woman.

00:13:33.380 | But that really is the way to think about life, I think.

00:13:36.760 | If they're not devoted to singleness, the only kind of man a woman wants is a mature

00:13:42.860 | and godly man, and the only kind of woman a man wants is a mature and godly woman, and

00:13:47.980 | therefore the man has to press on to be her head.

00:13:54.940 | And I would just qualify one thing here.

00:13:57.220 | That may make some men think like, "Oh, I have to have as high an IQ, or I have to have

00:14:02.780 | the same grades in class."

00:14:04.380 | Well, that's not true.

00:14:05.380 | That is not true.

00:14:06.620 | You can be a godly, initiative-taking, loving, burden-bearing, protecting, providing leader

00:14:15.260 | with a wife who's a lot smarter than you are.

00:14:17.140 | Yes, you can, and we could talk about that forever.

00:14:19.340 | All right, let's shut this one down.

00:14:21.620 | Thanks, Pastor John.

00:14:22.620 | Speaking of this topic, in the marriage context, back in APJ 1549, we addressed this question,

00:14:28.700 | "My wife is more spiritual.

00:14:30.340 | How do I lead her?"

00:14:32.340 | The outstanding episode that I remember off the top of my head, APJ 1549, that is in our

00:14:37.820 | podcast archive online at DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.

00:14:43.900 | And speaking of marriage, from the first year of this podcast, we decided to address mature

00:14:47.460 | topics and awkward questions.

00:14:50.220 | No apologies about that.

00:14:52.060 | If you're comfortable asking it, we will address it.

00:14:54.500 | Needless to say, Monday's question is a mature one for married couples, and I am your host,

00:14:59.460 | Tony Reinke.

00:15:00.460 | We'll see you back here on Monday for that.

00:15:02.180 | Until then, have a great weekend.

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My Boyfriend Is Spiritually Lethargic — Should I Still Marry Him?

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