How Do I Know If I’m Loving My Wife Well?

00:00:00.000 | Well, with Christ's love for the church providing the typological pattern or the archetype for

00:00:10.040 | a man's love of his wife, it's no surprise that we get a lot of emails from husbands

00:00:14.940 | who don't know if they're on the right track here.

00:00:17.140 | What does Christ-like love look like in the life of a husband's daily life?

00:00:23.360 | It's the question today from a listener named Zachary.

00:00:25.640 | "Pastor John, this winter I will be married and I have little to no experience with men

00:00:30.560 | in my life leading their wives well.

00:00:33.660 | What are some general parameters for me and for all new husbands to know whether we are

00:00:36.760 | leading our brides in a way that honors and reflects Christ's love of the church?"

00:00:42.760 | Okay, Zachary, here it is in a nutshell.

00:00:47.360 | Make Ephesians 5, 25 to 33 your lifelong charter of how to love your wife and what it means

00:00:58.000 | to live in the covenant relationship which God designed in order to show the world the

00:01:06.000 | beauty of his own covenant love for the church.

00:01:09.080 | Make it your lifelong charter.

00:01:13.880 | It is an inexhaustible passage.

00:01:18.660 | It will break you down and then build you back up again and again as you discover more

00:01:27.560 | and more deeply the wonders of the mystery of marriage.

00:01:33.240 | Very few people in our day, even in the church, think of marriage as deeply and seriously

00:01:42.060 | and gloriously as God intends.

00:01:46.480 | We have by and large, it seems to me, absorbed the world's superficial views about marriage

00:01:52.740 | and its glories and we've utterly neglected what it is really about.

00:01:59.080 | And then add 1 Peter 3, 7, one verse, to this lifelong charter.

00:02:06.300 | So now you've got two pieces to the charter.

00:02:08.680 | Ephesians 5, 25 to 33 and 1 Peter 3, 7, where you have this phrase, "Fellow heirs of the

00:02:18.880 | grace of life."

00:02:21.080 | You will never get to the bottom of that phrase, ever.

00:02:26.200 | Not in this life, probably not in the next.

00:02:29.080 | Fellow heirs of the grace of life.

00:02:33.860 | Two people, a man and a woman, both of whom are utterly and totally sinful and therefore

00:02:40.480 | utterly and totally dependent on grace for this life and the next.

00:02:47.280 | What would that look like?

00:02:49.200 | What a glorious thing that would look like of two brokenhearted, saved, grace-dependent

00:02:57.520 | people living together.

00:03:00.160 | But now let me get specific, just a few specific questions because I'm sure that's what you

00:03:04.620 | want me to do.

00:03:06.440 | Ephesians 5, 25 to 33 is designed as the redemption of what was destroyed in Genesis 3.

00:03:15.740 | Let's start there.

00:03:16.740 | Just realize that connection.

00:03:18.800 | When Adam and Eve fell from the beautiful plan that God had for them, Ephesians 5, 25

00:03:25.600 | to 33 is the rebuilding of what was destroyed.

00:03:30.280 | Now let's read what was destroyed.

00:03:32.240 | You'll see it.

00:03:33.240 | You can see at least three terrible destructions.

00:03:37.240 | Then the eyes of both were opened.

00:03:38.520 | So Adam and Eve, they'd just eaten of the forbidden fruit.

00:03:41.260 | Then the eyes of both were opened and they saw, they knew that they were naked.

00:03:47.480 | And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.

00:03:52.380 | And they heard the sound of the Lord walking in the garden in the cool of the day.

00:03:55.320 | And the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees

00:04:00.520 | of the garden.

00:04:01.760 | But the Lord God called to the man, to the man, step up Adam.

00:04:06.300 | He called to the man and said to him, where are you?

00:04:11.680 | And he said, I heard the sound of you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked

00:04:17.200 | and I hid myself.

00:04:18.520 | And God said, who told you you were naked?

00:04:22.280 | Have you eaten of the tree, which I commanded you not to eat?

00:04:25.920 | The man said, the woman, you gave to me.

00:04:31.800 | She gave me the fruit and I ate.

00:04:35.040 | Good night.

00:04:36.580 | Notice three catastrophic corruptions to this beautiful relationship.

00:04:41.720 | Number one, the man and the woman felt shame for their nakedness.

00:04:46.200 | They weren't safe with each other anymore.

00:04:48.840 | We've all tasted this, right?

00:04:50.440 | He or she may see me in my most vulnerable condition, naked, and they may say something

00:04:59.160 | utterly devastating about me that would wound this relationship for the rest of our lives.

00:05:06.440 | Number two, they hid themselves not just for each other, but from the Lord.

00:05:11.400 | They were afraid.

00:05:12.400 | I was afraid because I was naked.

00:05:15.200 | So the relationship horizontally and vertically was ruined.

00:05:21.800 | And what a universe of misery entered the world.

00:05:26.000 | Number three, the man's first reaction to this new ruined set of relationships is blame

00:05:34.040 | her and blame God who gave her to me.

00:05:38.520 | The woman you gave me, she gave me the fruit.

00:05:41.560 | So there's the tragic result that Ephesians 5 is intended to heal.

00:05:49.400 | Shame, fear, blame, guilt shifting.

00:05:54.960 | And what you know, Zachary, you know this as a Christian, Jesus Christ came into the

00:06:00.800 | world to save people from all that relational destruction.

00:06:04.480 | That's why he came.

00:06:06.040 | And his central, all-important way of saving us from shame and fear and blame and guilt

00:06:11.320 | shifting is to die, to die in our place and on our behalf.

00:06:17.760 | Rise from the dead, give us eternal hope.

00:06:20.920 | In other words, Jesus deals with our sin in such a way that fear and shame and blame and

00:06:27.240 | guilt shifting are destroyed in his redeemed family.

00:06:30.800 | And he does it by dying, dying.

00:06:36.440 | Now what this means for you as a husband who is called to be the head of your marriage

00:06:42.000 | and your family, Ephesians 5.23, you are the head, and to love your wife as Christ loved

00:06:49.040 | the church, Ephesians 5.25.

00:06:50.920 | What this means is that you now take the lead.

00:06:57.680 | That is, you feel a special responsibility to take initiatives for creating an atmosphere

00:07:09.280 | and putting in place the means of grace that replace shame with honor, 1 Peter 3.7 says,

00:07:16.760 | and fear with joyful confidence and blame or guilt shifting with forbearance and forgiveness.

00:07:23.360 | You feel a special responsibility for putting in place an atmosphere and means of grace

00:07:30.400 | that accomplish those glorious ends.

00:07:33.240 | In other words, you yourself first receive the redeeming work of Christ in your own brokenness

00:07:40.640 | and sinfulness.

00:07:41.640 | And then you bend it, you bend it outward after the model of Christ to show it to your

00:07:48.560 | wife and your children.

00:07:50.480 | But notice carefully, get this, tune in, you and your wife are fellow heirs of grace, 1

00:08:00.120 | Peter 3.7, which means that she is experiencing from the Lord Jesus directly by faith, not

00:08:09.140 | through you, the same redemption.

00:08:13.420 | And she too has a responsibility to bend it outwardly and horizontally toward you and

00:08:20.840 | the children.

00:08:22.480 | That's why I said as a head, as a leader, you have a special responsibility as the head

00:08:32.520 | to take initiatives for creating and sustaining a spiritual and emotional and physical atmosphere

00:08:42.960 | where your wife feels protected and safe, safe from verbal put downs and other wounding

00:08:51.320 | that might come from you or the children and where she feels provided for and where she

00:08:59.520 | feels that she doesn't have to push because you're already moving in the direction of

00:09:05.760 | establishing a gracious and godly atmosphere in the home.

00:09:12.120 | So Zachary, here's one little guideline, one little practical test to see if you are fulfilling

00:09:20.000 | your calling in this regard when you get there.

00:09:23.680 | Pose this question, who in this family is saying, me or my wife, who in this family

00:09:31.440 | is saying let's most often in regard to establishing a healthy family pattern of life, prayer patterns,

00:09:42.360 | Bible reading patterns, church attendance patterns, patterns of moral guidance for the

00:09:46.760 | children, patterns of pace and schedule, patterns of how you handle the iPhones, patterns of

00:09:53.400 | financial responsibility in living within the budget and on and on.

00:09:58.320 | The husband as head should not leave a wife in a position where she feels like these things

00:10:06.720 | are being neglected and she must push on you in order to initiate the necessary conversations.

00:10:17.440 | Spiritual leadership from a husband who is a saved sinner, dependent on daily grace,

00:10:25.480 | readily confessing his own sins and flaws to her, to the kids, to his friends, such

00:10:32.480 | spiritual leadership does not mean one-sided decision making.

00:10:39.960 | It means saying let's.

00:10:43.000 | Let's talk about the budget, honey.

00:10:45.640 | Let's talk about the way we discipline our kids.

00:10:48.360 | Let's talk about the most helpful pattern of prayer and Bible reading for both of us.

00:10:52.620 | Let's talk about church and participation there.

00:10:56.320 | Let's talk about the moral vision we want to have for a family in this community.

00:11:01.120 | The reason you lead with let's instead of unilateral commands is because you're not

00:11:07.520 | Christ.

00:11:09.800 | You are only as Christ.

00:11:12.640 | Can you make that distinction?

00:11:15.120 | That as, lead her, love her as Christ loved the church, that as means you take into full

00:11:23.320 | account your own sinfulness and finitude and how a sinful finite leader creates the fullest

00:11:31.560 | joy and fruitfulness in the family.

00:11:35.080 | And you may find, you will find, I dare say, you may find in any of these cases that your

00:11:40.920 | wife has greater wisdom than you do, which is just fine.

00:11:45.700 | That doesn't mean she suddenly becomes the leader.

00:11:48.820 | She will be thrilled that in your initiative taking leadership, you are humble enough to

00:11:55.740 | receive a wise word when you hear it.

00:11:58.440 | No worthy leader, president of the United States, general of an army, no worthy leader

00:12:05.360 | assumes he has all the wisdom he needs.

00:12:09.000 | So Zachary, there is so much more and the Lord will show it to you if you make Ephesians

00:12:17.080 | five and first Peter three the lifelong charter for your calling as a husband.

00:12:24.760 | Yeah.

00:12:25.760 | And on behalf of all men who married smarter women, amen, Pastor John, thank you.

00:12:30.720 | And thank you for listening and making the podcast a part of your day and commute.

00:12:33.880 | Three times a week we publish and you can subscribe to our audio feeds and search our

00:12:37.540 | past episodes in our archive and even reach us by email with a question of your own, especially

00:12:42.160 | if you have a question about the very foundations of what we do on this podcast.

00:12:46.360 | If you want to ask about sort of the theological underpinnings that drive everything that we

00:12:50.360 | talk about, we love questions like that.

00:12:53.080 | Marriage questions as well.

00:12:54.560 | Send all of those to us through desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.

00:12:59.560 | You'll see a button there to submit your question via email.

00:13:04.720 | Well Wednesday we're going to talk about preaching.

00:13:07.280 | Specifically we're going to look at six subtle ways that preachers unwittingly undermine

00:13:12.720 | the authority of scripture in front of their congregations.

00:13:16.280 | You will not want to miss this one.

00:13:17.520 | I think it's going to be relevant for preachers and aspiring preachers and to congregants

00:13:22.280 | as well.

00:13:23.280 | I'm your host Tony Reinke and we'll see you then and have a wonderful Reformation 500

00:13:28.160 | celebration on Tuesday.

00:13:29.880 | We'll see you back here on Wednesday.

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How Do I Know If I’m Loving My Wife Well?

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