Lecture 3: Marriage and Family Counseling

00:00:00.000 | Let's go over to Genesis chapter 2 and verse 24.

00:00:10.840 | We're interested here in Genesis 2.24.

00:00:19.080 | After God has created both Adam and Eve then he gives us a little brief commentary on the

00:00:25.480 | husband and wife relationship.

00:00:27.520 | But even though it's brief, it's jam-packed with all kinds of significance and importance.

00:00:33.200 | He says in verse 24, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined

00:00:38.600 | to his wife and they shall become one flesh."

00:00:43.660 | So there is three critical elements that are listed here in verse 24.

00:00:48.200 | There's the element of leaving, there's the element of being joined to, or some translations

00:00:54.660 | say cleaving, and then there's the element of becoming one flesh.

00:01:01.280 | Just for the sake of sound, some have translated this leaving, cleaving, and weaving together.

00:01:08.880 | But those are the three critical elements.

00:01:11.600 | And you can see that God ordained from the very beginning that the parent-child relationship

00:01:18.840 | is to be a temporary relationship.

00:01:22.640 | The parent-child relationship is to be a temporary relationship.

00:01:26.900 | And a little bit later on in the class I'm going to elaborate more on that because I

00:01:30.920 | think this is such a critical passage.

00:01:34.280 | But what should take precedence over the parent-child relationship is the husband and wife relationship.

00:01:44.120 | That is the most important priority, the husband and wife relationship.

00:01:55.080 | That's the thing that takes precedence over every other relationship.

00:02:00.560 | So from this verse we learn that in the family the husband and wife relationship takes precedence

00:02:10.620 | over every other human relationship.

00:02:13.680 | So there's our three elements.

00:02:15.340 | There is the leaving.

00:02:16.680 | So in that sense, parents should make it easy for their children to leave the home, not

00:02:23.160 | make it hard.

00:02:24.480 | Maybe you've seen families that are like that, parents who hold on to their kids as if they

00:02:28.240 | are going to have them for the rest of their lives.

00:02:32.540 | And they don't do their children a favor by doing that.

00:02:36.740 | Children are to be reared to leave the home, not stay in the home.

00:02:41.920 | I think this is vital, and even though all children have a responsibility to honor their

00:02:49.280 | parents, the Bible is saying here that as children grow older they should no longer

00:02:58.280 | be kept in that home.

00:03:01.300 | They need to be graduated out of the home because the husband and wife relationship

00:03:05.560 | is a much higher priority.

00:03:10.600 | And then the husband and wife should cleave to one another, or as the New American Standard

00:03:16.520 | translates this, be joined to one another.

00:03:23.620 | This is a commitment that exceeds any other human relationship or commitment.

00:03:32.320 | And in fact, later on in Proverbs 2, in verse 17, in Malachi 2, in verse 14, God even refers

00:03:43.880 | to the marital relationship as a covenant.

00:03:49.120 | It's a covenant relationship.

00:03:54.440 | And the husband and wife relationship is, actually the word for cleave is the word that

00:04:01.960 | means to weld together or to be glued together in that sense.

00:04:07.760 | So the husband and wife relationship should be glued together.

00:04:13.640 | Back in ancient times, if they would have had the word super glue, I'm sure that would

00:04:17.320 | have been used here.

00:04:19.840 | They need to be super glued together.

00:04:21.640 | So to pull that relationship apart, you'd have to take skin with it, which would be

00:04:27.720 | very painful.

00:04:31.360 | So they should be glued together.

00:04:34.120 | And God later calls it a covenant, a beret, which shows how sacred that commitment is.

00:04:47.200 | The basis of the relationship is not some kind of primarily an emotional romantic relationship.

00:04:54.320 | That's not the basis of the relationship.

00:04:56.360 | Now that can be the outgrowth of the right kind of commitment.

00:05:00.160 | But the basis of the relationship is being welded together, is that commitment, that

00:05:06.280 | covenant together, that sacred promise.

00:05:09.080 | That is the thing that bonds that husband and wife together.

00:05:12.960 | There is a sacred vow that they have made before God that they consider to be unbreakable.

00:05:22.000 | Nothing on the earth should break that vow.

00:05:27.200 | Third, then there is one flesh, and this is more than just involving a physical relationship

00:05:39.520 | in marriage.

00:05:40.520 | I think that it obviously includes that, but the idea here is that they comprehensively

00:05:45.880 | share their life together.

00:05:50.720 | They comprehensively share their life together.

00:06:00.000 | As part of becoming one flesh, you know it's really interesting to watch couples as they

00:06:04.320 | grow older and they've had a mutually satisfying marital relationship, they start to look like

00:06:09.120 | each other.

00:06:10.520 | They start to talk like each other.

00:06:14.040 | One of them starts a sentence and the other one finishes a sentence.

00:06:21.040 | They look alike, they talk alike, they eat the same things, they are so used to being

00:06:30.000 | together all the time.

00:06:34.760 | That is a couple that comprehensively shares their lives together.

00:06:40.520 | Modern feminism today hates that.

00:06:45.480 | You should never lose your individuality in a relationship.

00:06:51.580 | The reason why they say that is because some of that is self-protective because when a

00:06:55.360 | divorce does occur, it makes it even more painful.

00:06:58.240 | You, in a sense, always keep yourself as an individual or you keep some distance with

00:07:03.680 | that other individual no matter how close you may feel to them.

00:07:08.360 | If something does happen tragically and that relationship ends, you're not hurt as bad

00:07:13.480 | is the implication.

00:07:15.720 | But that's not God's idea at all.

00:07:17.760 | Steven?

00:07:18.760 | If you're setting yourself up to where you're preparing for a possible divorce, doesn't

00:07:24.680 | that heighten the possibility of a divorce?

00:07:27.800 | Well I would think so.

00:07:28.800 | I mean, let me repeat a statement.

00:07:31.240 | If you're setting yourself up for the possibility of divorce, doesn't that heighten the probability

00:07:35.400 | of divorce?

00:07:36.600 | I would think it would.

00:07:38.480 | I mean, rather than planning to live together for an entire lifetime, rather than doing

00:07:48.720 | that, you're actually planning contingency plans in case you get out, you know, or you

00:07:55.960 | feel that you have to divorce the other individual.

00:07:59.120 | No, that should be, divorce should only occur, and we'll talk about this a little bit later

00:08:06.200 | as well, should only occur for two reasons.

00:08:10.760 | Number one, unrepentant adultery, that's what Jesus talks about in Matthew chapter 19.

00:08:15.720 | And I realize that there are popular Bible speakers all over America today that take

00:08:20.000 | exception to that and rule that out only because they say that it's referring to only the espousal

00:08:25.200 | period of the Jewish law.

00:08:28.480 | But that is very unconvincing to me because I don't believe it's a true scholarly approach

00:08:34.960 | to what's going on in Matthew.

00:08:36.680 | If that's the case, then Jesus would have been very much more clearer with his words

00:08:42.440 | that this is only referring to the espousal period.

00:08:45.240 | But unrepentant adultery is one of them, and the other one is the abandonment of an unbelieving

00:08:50.640 | wife, that's 1 Corinthians 7.

00:08:55.120 | So those two exceptions, if an unbelieving wife, husband or wife, partner, abandons you

00:09:04.920 | then, can you get a divorce?

00:09:08.120 | Should you remain locked perpetually in this relationship even though they are no longer

00:09:13.320 | being a husband or wife to you?

00:09:16.040 | No.

00:09:17.040 | No.

00:09:18.040 | God in his mercy and grace enables you to get out of that and by implication, especially

00:09:23.680 | it's clear in 1 Corinthians 7, that you can remarry, you can do that.

00:09:30.200 | But all these other things that people set up, joint bank accounts, or not joint bank,

00:09:37.400 | separate bank accounts in order in case there's a separation ever in the future so I can protect

00:09:44.560 | my own resources and there's numerous other steps, prenuptial agreements, which is planning

00:09:52.300 | for failure.

00:09:54.480 | That's what you're planning to do.

00:09:58.640 | So the point however here is that the husband and wife relationship is first priority.

00:10:07.800 | I believe that if you talk with any of our four children growing up, they will tell you

00:10:13.040 | that my priority was first to their mother and then to them.

00:10:20.040 | And if you were to talk about my wife, they would say her priority was first to me and

00:10:25.960 | then to the kids.

00:10:28.920 | And what that does is, that doesn't mean that I love my children any less than you do, but

00:10:34.040 | that enables them to leave the home.

00:10:38.480 | You rear them to leave, not stay.

00:10:42.540 | You rear them with this idea.

00:10:44.600 | They're only there temporarily, 18-20 years maybe, 25 years, 30 for some of them, but

00:10:52.760 | they're only there temporarily and then they go.

00:10:59.040 | That's what God intended from the very beginning.

00:11:03.240 | Alright, third.

00:11:08.200 | The third thing that we need to see here is that the Bible teaches that the family is

00:11:14.200 | to be a place where people are shown respect, where people are honored.

00:11:20.840 | Now if there ever was an important principle here in our day and age, this is such a key

00:11:25.220 | one because oftentimes the family has so deteriorated to the point where if you wanna be disrespected

00:11:33.680 | and dishonored, it happens in the family.

00:11:36.600 | That's a terrible thing.

00:11:38.520 | Even for many Christian homes, Christian families.

00:11:43.360 | Deuteronomy chapter 5 verse 16 talks about honor your father and your mother.

00:11:48.480 | Honor your father and your mother.

00:11:53.000 | This verse is repeated on several occasions in exact form in the Bible.

00:11:59.280 | For example, you can see this in Mark chapter 7 and verse 10, Ephesians chapter 6 and verse

00:12:03.600 | 2, honor your father and your mother.

00:12:05.600 | This is something that God has always intended his children to do, honor their parents.

00:12:14.840 | And I realize that may not, as a person grows older and becomes an adult on their own, that

00:12:19.880 | may not always mean obeying them.

00:12:23.360 | In fact, to obey them, if that would mean to dishonor God, then the most honorable thing

00:12:34.880 | that you can do for your parents is honor God first and disobey them.

00:12:40.920 | But the point is, you must honor your parents, honor your father and your mother.

00:12:48.920 | Also you find this emphasis on children honoring their parents presented in several different

00:12:54.120 | ways in Scripture.

00:12:55.520 | You can see this in Proverbs chapter 19 verse 26 and Proverbs chapter 20 and verse 20, Proverbs

00:13:01.080 | 23 and 22, Proverbs 30 and verse 17.

00:13:06.640 | Those are several different passages that focus upon a child's responsibility to honor

00:13:13.080 | their parents.

00:13:20.800 | Now there are also plenty of other verses in the Bible that talk about the way that

00:13:27.700 | children are to honor and treat their parents.

00:13:32.960 | They're commanded to honor father and mother, however, there are other verses that make

00:13:36.700 | it clear that a family is a place where every family member receives appropriate honor and

00:13:41.680 | respect.

00:13:42.680 | For example, we can see this in 1 Peter 3, 7 and Ephesians 5, 33.

00:13:48.320 | Wives are said in Ephesians 5, 33, are told to respect their husband.

00:13:53.760 | And the word respect there is the word phobos, which is often translated fear, but it doesn't

00:13:58.280 | mean fear as in terror, but to reverence them or highly respect them.

00:14:01.880 | Wives are told to do that with their husbands.

00:14:03.800 | First Peter 3, 7, husbands are told to live in the understanding way or in a knowledgeable

00:14:10.720 | way.

00:14:11.720 | The word there in the Greek language is gnosis.

00:14:15.920 | Live in a knowledgeable way with your wife and treat her with respect as a weaker vessel

00:14:28.200 | and as an heir with you of the gracious gift of life.

00:14:32.680 | So you are supposed to treat her with respect and honor her and treat her like a, we'll

00:14:38.920 | talk about this later, that little phrase, a piece of fine China is the idea.

00:14:46.820 | So husbands are to respect and honor their wives.

00:14:50.880 | Wives have a responsibility to respect their husbands.

00:14:53.840 | In 1 Timothy 3 and verse 4, fathers relate to their children in such a way that they

00:14:57.840 | elicit respect from their children.

00:15:02.920 | Here is qualification of overseers in the church and there Paul talks about the fact

00:15:09.360 | that part of the qualification of an overseer is that a child must respect his father.

00:15:21.920 | Then you have Colossians chapter 3 and verse 21, Ephesians 6, 4.

00:15:27.120 | One of the ways that parents can exasperate and provoke their children to a wrathful lifestyle

00:15:32.520 | or to a lifestyle of anger is by treating your children with disrespect.

00:15:42.560 | When you disrespect a child, you bring up that child in a very angry lifestyle.

00:15:49.640 | Treat them with disrespect.

00:15:51.640 | 1 Peter chapter 2 and verse 17, honor all men would certainly include family members.

00:16:01.780 | Paul talks about honoring all men.

00:16:04.960 | 1 Timothy chapter 5 and verse 4, piety must begin at home.

00:16:16.200 | In context here, piety is especially related to the way that a person treats other family

00:16:22.280 | members.

00:16:25.480 | Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 32 exhorts us to be kind and tenderhearted to our enemies.

00:16:30.960 | Now if that is true of our enemies, how much more should it be of the way that parents

00:16:34.480 | treat their children and vice versa, the way that children treat their parents.

00:16:43.720 | So in dealing with the question, you can see at the top of the screen, what is the family?

00:16:47.620 | The family really is a place where every family member is to be respected and honored.

00:16:57.160 | Husbands need to respect and honor their wives, wives need to respect and honor their husbands,

00:17:01.920 | parents need to respect and honor their children, children need to respect and honor their parents.

00:17:08.680 | That's the way the home should be.

00:17:09.840 | Boy, but that's not the condition of most homes, is it?

00:17:15.600 | You see a lot of homes that are, there's constant turmoil and strife and anger and bitterness.

00:17:24.280 | Back ten years ago when my wife and I moved to California, the first year we were here

00:17:31.640 | we stayed in a condo.

00:17:35.680 | I'm gonna try desperately never to do that ever again in my life, but we stayed in this

00:17:40.360 | condo.

00:17:41.360 | And it was up on a second floor in this compact condo area while we were looking for a permanent

00:17:50.240 | place to live and stay.

00:17:54.680 | And of course, the windows of our condo, when they were open during the summertime and a

00:17:59.840 | beautiful breeze would come through, the condos near us, their windows weren't that far away.

00:18:06.000 | And we could sit there at the dinner table and listen to what was going on in the other

00:18:09.400 | homes around us that were relatively close.

00:18:12.840 | And we were horrified.

00:18:15.480 | You could hear fights and quarrels and arguments and people getting angry at one another and

00:18:22.920 | cursing and swearing and both of us looked at each other and said, "My goodness, if this

00:18:28.000 | is the condition of the family in America today, we are in deep trouble."

00:18:34.880 | We could hear it on the right side of the condo and on the left side of the condo.

00:18:39.760 | This was terrible stuff.

00:18:42.400 | The angry stuff that was going on.

00:18:46.080 | And I know, I've been in counseling long enough to know that this happens in so-called Christian

00:18:51.800 | homes as well.

00:18:53.520 | People who profess to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, those kind of things

00:18:56.480 | are going on all the time.

00:19:01.520 | So the family is supposed to be a place where every member is respected, every member is

00:19:08.320 | honored.

00:19:10.680 | That's the way the family is to be.

00:19:15.280 | When you get someone in the family that for one reason or another, whatever their motivation

00:19:19.600 | may be, is physically or sexually abusing someone, another member of the family, that

00:19:27.520 | is the height of dishonor, disrespect.

00:19:37.680 | God never intended that to be the case.

00:19:43.300 | God never wanted people in the family, never designed the family to be a place where people

00:19:50.240 | objectified one another and dishonored the Lord Jesus Christ by using and abusing people

00:19:57.000 | for your own interests or your own pleasures.

00:20:01.760 | That was never to be the case.

00:20:10.560 | I'm helping to supervise a counselor right now, and this particular counselor is this

00:20:15.520 | woman who is a wonderful gal.

00:20:18.960 | She graduated from our Master of Arts in Biblical Counseling program there at the college, and

00:20:24.320 | she's working in a church, and she's working on her NANC certification right now.

00:20:28.580 | So I'm supervising her through some of her counseling, and she is counseling a woman

00:20:34.680 | and her daughter, this little girl who's about 11 years old, and about a year ago, an extended

00:20:40.920 | family member sexually abused her repeatedly, repeatedly.

00:20:49.020 | Of course, this little girl, they didn't even know that it happened, and the way they discovered

00:20:53.320 | it was the little girl was having pretty serious stomach problems, and they took her to the

00:20:57.240 | doctor, and the doctor diagnosed her with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and usually that

00:21:01.920 | occurs in older people, but it doesn't occur in adults, I mean, in young children, I mean.

00:21:10.000 | It doesn't occur in young children, especially this little girl who's under the age of 12.

00:21:16.780 | Why would a little girl have Irritable Bowel Syndrome?

00:21:19.280 | Well, they began to probe, and they found out that this had happened, and here she had

00:21:23.680 | taken all that occurred and stored it on the inside.

00:21:26.080 | She had stuffed it on the inside, and as a result, she was having bad dreams.

00:21:31.200 | She wasn't sleeping well at night.

00:21:34.280 | All these consequences had occurred.

00:21:36.360 | Now, formally, this particular person had been a trusted family member, extended family

00:21:42.480 | member, not a part of the immediate family, but obviously, after they found this out,

00:21:48.960 | this person was no longer a trusted family member, and now is having to face consequences,

00:21:55.960 | legal consequences, as a result of this.

00:22:05.400 | The point is this.

00:22:08.240 | These kind of things, both these families, by the way, both claim to be Christians.

00:22:14.700 | Where the sexual abuse occurred in the extended family member's home, that family claimed

00:22:18.440 | to be Christians.

00:22:19.440 | They went to church together.

00:22:21.440 | Where the home, the actual little girl is, their family is a Christian.

00:22:28.600 | So there is serious breakdown in the Christian home when these kinds of things are happening.

00:22:41.800 | God never intended that to be the case here.

00:22:45.200 | The home was to be a place where you sought refuge, you found safety, where you were respected,

00:22:55.680 | where you were honored.

00:22:57.040 | It's not a place where somebody who is bigger, stronger than you are, takes advantage of

00:23:03.640 | you.

00:23:04.640 | It was never supposed to be the home, and yet, in our sinful depravity, you're going

00:23:11.480 | to find yourself, as pastoral counselors, having to deal with this, I'm afraid, more

00:23:16.700 | often than you'd like.

00:23:20.880 | How do you deal with that?

00:23:21.880 | How do you handle that kind of thing?

00:23:26.800 | Which now brings us to number four.

00:23:28.960 | Number four is the Bible now teaches us that the family is a classroom in which the most

00:23:33.480 | important lessons of life are taught and learned.

00:23:45.400 | Back several years ago, Edith Schaefer, who was the wife of Francis Schaefer, the famous

00:23:50.600 | Christian philosopher, a graduate of Westminster Seminary, she wrote a book on the family,

00:24:00.400 | and she talked about the family.

00:24:01.800 | She said, "We ought to think of our family as a relay race in which we, as parents, are

00:24:05.720 | passing a baton of God's truth to them."

00:24:10.920 | And then she went on to point out the fact that every parent is passing something on

00:24:13.960 | to their children.

00:24:14.960 | In every family, some flag or baton is being passed to the next generation.

00:24:20.800 | Every child is being taught something in his family, and unfortunately, the flag or the

00:24:27.520 | baton that is being passed in many cases, if not most families, is not the truth of

00:24:35.760 | the Word of God, but some distortion of the Word of God or something that's opposite the

00:24:43.920 | Word of God or opposed to the Word of God.

00:24:46.880 | Well, that was not God's intention for the family and should not be the case in the homes

00:24:55.080 | of those of us who claim to be Christians.

00:24:57.120 | God intended the family to be a classroom or a relay race where truth, not error, is

00:25:03.400 | passed on from generation to generation.

00:25:07.120 | So you could say that there is a sense in which the family is analogous to a relay race.

00:25:19.720 | You can see this reflected in Deuteronomy 4, verses 9 and 10.

00:25:24.320 | The responsibility to pass on what they've learned to the next generation.

00:25:31.720 | You can see also the same thing in Deuteronomy 6, verses 6 through 25, how God intended them

00:25:37.800 | to pass these things on.

00:25:44.320 | Also Joshua 4, verses 21 through 24, is the same.

00:25:53.160 | In fact, that probably is a good place to touch down there in the Old Testament.

00:25:57.800 | So grab your Bible just for a moment, let's go over to Joshua 4, verse 21.

00:26:07.080 | Joshua 4, verse 21, "He said to the sons of Israel, 'When your children ask their fathers

00:26:16.080 | in time to come, saying, "What are these stones?"

00:26:19.640 | Then you shall inform your children, saying, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.

00:26:23.160 | For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan before you until they had crossed,

00:26:27.640 | just as the Lord your God had done to the Red Sea, which he dried up before us until

00:26:33.760 | we had crossed, that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is

00:26:37.720 | mighty, so that you may fear the Lord your God forever.'"

00:26:41.360 | So, again, their responsibility was to pass from one generation to the next generation

00:26:50.320 | the truths of what God had done, the great events.

00:26:57.160 | Psalm, verse 78, verses 2 through 7, is another passage that really emphasizes the home being

00:27:05.200 | a classroom or a relay race.

00:27:10.080 | Grab your Bible again, let's go over there to Psalm 78, verse 2.

00:27:22.600 | This is a Psalm of Asaph, he says, "I will open my mouth in a parable, I will utter dark

00:27:28.320 | sayings of old, which we have heard and known and our fathers have told us.

00:27:33.080 | We will not conceal them from their children, but tell them to generation to come the praises

00:27:40.400 | of the Lord and his strength and his wondrous works that he has done.

00:27:45.360 | For he established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded

00:27:50.240 | our fathers that they should teach them to their children, that the generation to come

00:27:55.040 | might know even the children yet to be born, that they may arise and tell them to their

00:28:00.400 | children that they should put their confidence in God and not forget the works of God, but

00:28:05.320 | to keep his commandments."

00:28:08.920 | So God takes this passing of the truth of the word from one generation to another generation

00:28:16.520 | as a critical, critical responsibility.

00:28:25.440 | Joel chapter 1, verses 2 and 3, God says, "Hear this, O elders, and listen, all inhabitants

00:28:33.760 | of the land, tell your sons about it, and tell your sons to tell their sons and their

00:28:38.840 | sons the next generation."

00:28:44.160 | So that's why we say the family is a classroom.

00:28:49.520 | Or you've got the entire book of Proverbs from chapter 1 all the way to chapter 31.

00:28:59.840 | Most of that book is a father and mother passing on wisdom to their son.

00:29:06.520 | That's a responsibility, a father and mother passing on their wisdom to their son.

00:29:14.640 | And of course, the concept that parents should be supervising the education of their children

00:29:21.320 | must stand out here.

00:29:24.100 | That doesn't mean necessarily that the parents should always do all of the education of their

00:29:30.360 | children.

00:29:33.760 | Even Jesus went to the temple.

00:29:37.940 | But it does mean that the parents should supervise all of it.

00:29:42.920 | Again, Edith Schaefer states that the family should be an educational control center, and

00:29:49.880 | by that she means that the parents should supervise the whole educational process of

00:29:53.560 | their kids.

00:29:55.880 | That means they must make sure that the children are taught the right things through family

00:30:01.520 | Bible study, the family should provide good reading material, make sure that you attend

00:30:08.160 | a good church, make sure there are good opportunities in Sunday school and youth groups, and these

00:30:17.200 | are places that don't just entertain children, but they teach children the Word of God.

00:30:29.440 | This also means you must know that their children are being taught what they're being taught

00:30:33.920 | in school.

00:30:36.240 | Who are your children hanging out with?

00:30:38.980 | What television shows are they watching?

00:30:40.520 | What movies are they watching?

00:30:41.720 | What are their reading material?

00:30:44.960 | It doesn't mean that we eliminate all non-Christian reading.

00:30:48.840 | We can read and interact with the world.

00:30:52.180 | It does mean we ought to know what reading, what they are reading, what they are watching,

00:30:58.320 | and to discuss those things with them.

00:31:00.800 | Teach them how to think, how to evaluate those things Biblically.

00:31:10.200 | So what is the family?

00:31:11.200 | Well, according to God's Word, the family is a classroom par excellence in which the

00:31:15.720 | most important truth of life is to be taught.

00:31:22.720 | That's the family.

00:31:26.640 | Let's pick up with number five.

00:31:30.620 | Not only here as we were just talking about, the family is a classroom in which the most

00:31:42.840 | important truths about life are taught, but the fifth area is that the family, the Bible

00:31:48.680 | teaches, is really a place of safety, of refuge in the time of storm.

00:31:59.760 | In fact, there are going to be some stormy times in our lives.

00:32:05.960 | That's just part of living on this earth.

00:32:09.680 | Some of you have already had some pretty stormy times in your life, but you're going to also

00:32:13.880 | have to counsel people who have some fairly stormy times in their lives too.

00:32:23.240 | You can see this in John chapter 16 and verse 33, John chapter 16 and verse 33.

00:32:42.400 | Jesus says, "These things I have spoken to you so that in me you might have peace, in

00:32:47.600 | the world you will have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world."

00:32:53.400 | So Jesus says there is a place where you have to realize that in this world there's going

00:33:00.000 | to be hardship and turmoil, especially if you want to live the Christian life consistently.

00:33:08.480 | Psalms chapter 90 and verse 10, "As for the days of our lives, they contain seventy years,

00:33:15.040 | or if due to strength, eighty years, yet their pride is but labor and sorrow, for soon it

00:33:21.800 | is gone and we fly away."

00:33:24.520 | So life is going to be full of labor and life is going to be full of sorrow.

00:33:32.120 | I can just feel myself becoming depressed as I read these passages.

00:33:38.000 | But the Bible is being very realistic.

00:33:41.480 | Also Genesis chapter 47 verses 8 and 9, "Here Pharaoh said to Jacob, 'How many years have

00:33:47.920 | you lived?'

00:33:48.920 | So Jacob said to Pharaoh, 'The years of my sojourning are one hundred and thirty.

00:33:53.280 | Few and unpleasant have been the years of my life, nor have they obtained the years

00:33:58.160 | that my fathers lived during the days of their sojourning.'"

00:34:04.200 | So Joseph says that his life has been unpleasant and relatively short, at least compared to

00:34:16.400 | his forefathers before him.

00:34:20.400 | Then there's Job chapter 14 and verse 1, "Man," Job says, "who is born of woman is short-lived

00:34:31.920 | and full of turmoil."

00:34:36.100 | Short-lived and full of turmoil, that's the way life is.

00:34:41.140 | So life is going to be full of all kinds of storms.

00:34:45.520 | Some of them are going to be expected storms and some of them are going to be unexpected

00:34:51.200 | storms.

00:34:56.000 | And those storms can come in various forms.

00:35:01.020 | For example, family members can experience social rejection or even ridicule because

00:35:11.360 | of maybe your Christianity or there just may be something that another person just doesn't

00:35:19.800 | like about you.

00:35:22.600 | They blame it on the fact that you have incompatible personalities or there's something that somebody

00:35:29.840 | doesn't like about a member of your family.

00:35:36.920 | I remember several years ago, our oldest daughter, Christa, when she was in about second grade,

00:35:44.900 | she had another girl who was a year or two older than her who just decided to make Christa's

00:35:50.680 | life miserable.

00:35:53.800 | And so when Christa would get on the bus in the morning to go to school, there was this

00:35:58.160 | girl and she would trip her and she would knock her books out of her arms and she would

00:36:04.280 | take her homework and write all over it and scribble all over it.

00:36:09.160 | And Christa was always rather tall for her age and she was taller than this girl.

00:36:18.040 | I knew this girl.

00:36:19.040 | She lived a couple blocks up the street from us.

00:36:21.760 | And as a human father, I wanted to say to Christa, "Christa, just turn around and just

00:36:26.360 | one time and that'll settle the whole issue, all right?

00:36:29.600 | She won't do it anymore."

00:36:33.200 | But in our family Bible study together, we had been studying Romans 12 and my wife says,

00:36:38.280 | "Why don't we put Romans 12 into practice?

00:36:43.400 | Don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

00:36:46.000 | Yes, that's what we need to do.

00:36:52.300 | And so my wife and Christa decided on a plan that they'd spend the evening making up big

00:37:01.120 | chocolate chip cookies.

00:37:03.220 | My wife has got this to-die-for chocolate chip cookie recipe.

00:37:07.800 | It's really good.

00:37:09.600 | Maybe before the end of the semester, you'll get to experience some.

00:37:13.600 | Yes, I think you need to.

00:37:17.240 | Just really, really good.

00:37:19.280 | And so they made a big mound of chocolate chip cookies, nice, warm, and hot, and covered

00:37:28.160 | them over with aluminum foil.

00:37:29.720 | And Christa and I walked two blocks up the street to Rachel's house.

00:37:35.120 | And I stood on the sidewalk and Christa walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

00:37:40.560 | And lo and behold, of all the people in the family, Rachel came to the door.

00:37:43.320 | She was shocked to see Christa standing there.

00:37:45.400 | Christa said, "My family and I were making some chocolate chip cookies and thought you

00:37:49.140 | and your family would like these here."

00:37:52.000 | And she set them in Rachel's hands and Rachel's looking at them like they're a bomb.

00:37:59.160 | You know, like this.

00:38:01.640 | And Rachel doesn't say a word.

00:38:03.880 | And Christa says, "Well, have a good evening."

00:38:05.880 | And she turns around and walks back to the sidewalk with me and then we walk home.

00:38:11.360 | So on the way home, I'm saying to Christa, "You know, nothing may ever happen from this,

00:38:15.000 | but what you've done today, you've really pleased God in this."

00:38:18.400 | Well, to make a long story short, eventually Rachel became Christa's really good friend.

00:38:26.340 | And Rachel started coming to church with Christa.

00:38:29.900 | And as a result of Rachel coming to church, then her whole family started coming to church

00:38:33.000 | and her mom and dad became believers.

00:38:36.600 | And eventually Rachel and her family moved up to Wisconsin.

00:38:40.200 | And Christa, for years after that, would get letters from Rachel.

00:38:43.880 | This is long before emails.

00:38:46.360 | Letters from Rachel saying, and she would always sign it, "Your best friend, Rachel."

00:38:53.540 | And it all started over chocolate chip cookies.

00:38:57.940 | Overcoming evil with good.

00:39:01.520 | Well, there are going to be times in which the members of your family are going to face

00:39:08.560 | social rejection and ridicule.

00:39:11.960 | The family should be a place of refuge from that.

00:39:15.200 | A safety place.

00:39:17.200 | A place where they're not going to be criticized.

00:39:21.640 | Furthermore, secondly, people are going to place unrealistic expectations on them.

00:39:30.120 | In other words, for children, they may not get the grades that they want in school.

00:39:37.080 | They may not make it on the basketball team or the football team.

00:39:40.680 | They may not make it on the cheerleading squad or in the music group that they want to be

00:39:44.840 | in or in the theatrical thespian group that they want to be in.

00:39:52.120 | For husbands, wives, it may come in the form of a loss of a job or some kind of major financial

00:40:02.280 | setback or through a child's radical disobedience, unexpected, but somehow there may be unrealized

00:40:18.880 | expectations that occurred in the family.

00:40:21.720 | When that happens, the family should be a place of comfort.

00:40:27.360 | A place of safety.

00:40:30.880 | During those times of storm.

00:40:35.080 | Or there may be unrealistic, unreasonable expectations or demands placed upon people.

00:40:45.800 | There may be a teacher or a coach that may expect certain things of your child that your

00:40:53.800 | child is not able to produce or if you are counseling a husband whose boss expects him

00:41:05.560 | to perform and make sales that he is incapable of really doing, this boss is putting unrealistic

00:41:14.000 | expectations or demands on him.

00:41:18.360 | He wants him to make more money for the company.

00:41:24.160 | So sometimes that will happen.

00:41:26.520 | That will cause major storms in a home and a family.

00:41:29.080 | Or there can be major financial setbacks.

00:41:32.160 | The car breaks down at always the most inopportune time.

00:41:38.560 | Or somebody gets sick or ill or they have to go to the hospital.

00:41:43.920 | I can remember when our twin boys were born, this was over 22 years ago, when they were

00:41:49.400 | first born, they were placed in the neonatal intensive care unit of the hospital, NICU.

00:41:56.000 | And each day that they were in the hospital, it cost $1,000 a day per child.

00:42:05.240 | When I got the hospital bill, which did not include the doctor's bill, that was in addition

00:42:11.200 | to that, it was more than I paid for my home.

00:42:21.560 | The neonatal intensive care unit of the hospital.

00:42:24.760 | And they had only been in there a week.

00:42:29.360 | It was over $65,000 for a week.

00:42:34.620 | And that was back in 1987.

00:42:39.600 | I can't imagine what it would be today.

00:42:41.880 | That was a huge amount of money.

00:42:44.720 | I had only paid $60,000 for a house.

00:42:49.120 | Back then I thought that was a lot of money.

00:42:50.360 | It sounds really cheap today.

00:42:54.440 | But after one week in neonatal intensive care unit of the hospital, $65,000 they're charging

00:43:00.080 | me plus the doctor bills.

00:43:05.480 | Financial setbacks.

00:43:08.300 | We belonged to this pastor's insurance company in the state of Ohio.

00:43:12.480 | And our case was used as a case that illustrated why they were going into financial bankruptcy.

00:43:22.120 | Our case was used as an illustration.

00:43:25.500 | We couldn't help that.

00:43:29.000 | First when my wife got pregnant, we had no idea that she had twins.

00:43:33.700 | And then that those twins were going to be born a month premature and have to spend a

00:43:38.260 | week in the neonatal intensive care unit of the hospital.

00:43:41.520 | None of that was our choice.

00:43:43.280 | It was totally in God's hands.

00:43:46.860 | He knew.

00:43:49.060 | It did bankrupt that care system, which was kind of sad.

00:43:55.820 | We weren't the only one.

00:43:56.820 | There were other major claims to that system, too.

00:44:00.920 | So sometimes there's financial setbacks that occur in homes, in families.

00:44:05.860 | And sometimes there's physical illnesses and disease that come on people.

00:44:14.980 | Several years ago, my father was diagnosed with leukemia, a particular type of it called

00:44:19.720 | myelodiplastic syndrome.

00:44:22.600 | And that sort of came on him out of nowhere.

00:44:27.820 | And he was a rather healthy guy and went downhill very quickly.

00:44:34.900 | Just out of nowhere.

00:44:39.180 | So health problems.

00:44:40.780 | I'm sure if you can probably share many examples or stories that come out of your family or

00:44:46.340 | background where those kinds of things have happened.

00:44:49.460 | That's a major storm that comes into a family.

00:44:52.860 | Well then there are spiritual challenges, weaknesses, or a time where you believe that

00:44:57.380 | God seems so distant, so far away.

00:45:01.900 | Maybe it happens with you as a parent.

00:45:03.500 | Maybe it happens with your spouse.

00:45:04.880 | Maybe it happens with one of your children.

00:45:09.340 | That's a major storm in life.

00:45:10.780 | How are they going to handle that?

00:45:18.580 | Well the family should be a place where there's security, there's peace there, there's comfort

00:45:24.400 | there.

00:45:25.780 | It's a place of refuge for a person who's facing spiritual challenges, weaknesses.

00:45:34.820 | Our kids have had that.

00:45:37.620 | One of our kids back about four or five years ago went through a very serious time of questioning

00:45:45.380 | everything about his walk with God and about Christianity and about the Bible.

00:45:51.260 | And my wife and I prayed intently and worked with that kid over and over and over again.

00:46:00.000 | And there were times where we thought that that kid was not going to come out of it.

00:46:06.120 | But they eventually did.

00:46:07.600 | Praise God.

00:46:08.600 | And if I were to bring that kid in front of you, he'd talk about his love for the Lord.

00:46:13.500 | That's good.

00:46:15.040 | But I'll tell you, until those things get ironed out, it's a major storm in the family.

00:46:21.920 | There's challenges, there's weaknesses.

00:46:26.240 | God is distant.

00:46:27.240 | In a class this size, you guys that have kids, I dare say that at some particular point there's

00:46:33.240 | some of you that are going to go through some really hard times spiritually with those kids.

00:46:39.280 | And you have to patiently and lovingly and faithfully work with those kids until they

00:46:48.120 | see their way through biblically through this dark valley in time.

00:46:56.920 | Well, then you can see here, see, the family is to be a place of safety and a place of

00:47:02.440 | refuge as well.

00:47:04.600 | A place of safety and refuge.

00:47:07.080 | You can see this in Proverbs chapter 14 and verse 26, "And the fear of the Lord is strong

00:47:11.280 | confidence and his children will have refuge."

00:47:17.760 | His children will have refuge.

00:47:22.120 | So you can see, at least in the family of God, he is his children's refuge.

00:47:31.520 | Psalm 103 and verse 13, "The responsibility of the father here is to show mercy and compassion

00:47:41.200 | to his children."

00:47:44.400 | Not to be harsh and demanding and order his kids around, but to be merciful and compassionate.

00:47:52.640 | That doesn't mean he isn't firm.

00:47:55.080 | He can be very firm, but he can be merciful and compassionate in his firmness.

00:48:01.360 | And then there's Proverbs chapter 31, verses 11 and 12, that indicates that a wife should

00:48:06.160 | relate to her husband in such a way that the heart of her husband may safely trust in her.

00:48:12.880 | Should relate to him in such a way that he will never have to seek dishonest spoil.

00:48:18.720 | Proverbs chapter 14 and verse 1 talks about a wise woman is one who builds up her family.

00:48:24.560 | She doesn't tear it down.

00:48:27.240 | Proverbs 31, verses 26 through 28, "This woman opens her mouth with wisdom.

00:48:31.800 | The law of kindness is upon her lips.

00:48:35.200 | She looks well to the ways of her household.

00:48:36.960 | Her husband and her children rise up and praise her."

00:48:41.720 | Ephesians 5:33, "She's the type of woman that esteems and values and admires her husband.

00:48:48.400 | She highly respects him."

00:48:51.400 | And Ephesians 5, verse 33 says, "She reverences him."

00:48:57.280 | Psalm 128, verse 3, "She is to be a fruitful vine in her home."

00:49:02.480 | And Titus 2, "She is supposed to be busy at home for her family's sake."

00:49:06.800 | Genesis 2, verse 18, "She is supposed to be a suitable helper."

00:49:11.840 | Is the idea.

00:49:16.160 | So then we also have Proverbs chapter 5, verses 15 through 20 that says, "The husband should

00:49:21.440 | rejoice with his wife.

00:49:23.400 | He should refresh his wife.

00:49:25.600 | He should use his abilities to bring satisfaction to his wife.

00:49:29.100 | He should bless his wife.

00:49:30.720 | He should be enthusiastic about his wife, and he should be enthusiastic with his wife."

00:49:39.680 | That's his responsibility.

00:49:42.520 | Deuteronomy chapter 24, verse 5, "Responsibility of the husband is here to spend time with

00:49:48.960 | his wife and to make her his priority, bringing her happiness.

00:49:59.480 | You show me a wife that is the priority of her husband, and I will show you a very happy

00:50:04.960 | woman."

00:50:08.960 | Victoria just pointed to herself, a very happy woman.

00:50:17.880 | Ephesians chapter 5, verses 28 and 29, "A husband has a responsibility to nourish and

00:50:23.280 | cherish his wife."

00:50:26.080 | That is, meet her needs.

00:50:30.120 | Build her up in ways that she needs to be built up.

00:50:32.480 | We're not talking about artificially building up self-esteem.

00:50:36.020 | That's not what it's talking about.

00:50:37.560 | It's talking about encouraging her in her strengths and helping her in her weaknesses.

00:50:44.440 | That's what it's dealing with.

00:50:49.560 | That's building her up.

00:50:54.420 | So that's Ephesians 5, 28 and 29.

00:50:57.740 | First Peter 3, 7, "He is to dwell with his wife according to knowledge and treat her

00:51:06.040 | with respect as a weaker vessel and as an heir with him of the gracious gift of life."

00:51:14.800 | First Timothy chapter 5 and verse 8 talks about if any man doesn't provide for a family,

00:51:21.440 | and I think providing includes more than just financial support, but there also needs to

00:51:27.880 | be the "emotional support" that needs to be there.

00:51:32.960 | When they have problems, it's his problem.

00:51:36.640 | When they have struggles, they know that they can bring it to him.

00:51:41.880 | That's what a family is supposed to do.

00:51:47.240 | And there are a lot of verses in the way that a child should minister to their parents.

00:51:52.560 | Psalm 128 and verse 3, "Like olive branches," is the way that a child should be to their

00:51:58.920 | parents.

00:51:59.920 | An olive branch yielded olives that were good to eat, supplied oil for lamps, very useful

00:52:09.960 | little fruit.

00:52:12.920 | The book of Proverbs makes it clear that in God's kind of family, children are concerned

00:52:17.240 | about the well-being of their parents.

00:52:19.360 | They seek to bring joy to their parents.

00:52:22.360 | And a wise son, Proverbs 15, 20 says, "makes his father's heart glad."

00:52:27.120 | A wise son makes his father's heart glad.

00:52:33.920 | Sometimes I talk with young people about the fact that it's their responsibility.

00:52:39.440 | They are the ones who are responsible for their parents' disposition.

00:52:44.620 | They can make their parents very happy, or they can make their parents very sad.

00:52:50.440 | So there you have at least a partial description of what a family is intended to be.

00:52:55.120 | It is the antidote to loneliness.

00:52:58.000 | The family is a place where a husband and wife make their relationship to each other

00:53:02.160 | a priority issue.

00:53:14.320 | And then the family is also a place where people are shown respect, where people are

00:53:21.120 | honored, and the family is supposed to be a place of safety, of refuge, during the stormy

00:53:30.800 | times of life.

00:53:33.440 | That's what the family ought to be according to scripture.

00:53:39.880 | So that answers our question, what is the family?

00:53:46.200 | But let's move on.

00:53:49.360 | What type should the church provide when it comes to counseling a family?

00:54:00.680 | What type of counsel, in other words, should a church provide?

00:54:07.960 | Part of the answer to that question is ongoing counsel.

00:54:12.000 | Through the regular teaching ministries of the church, in order to be an asset to that

00:54:18.960 | family, the church should be teaching.

00:54:26.320 | How?

00:54:28.800 | Well through the preaching services, both formally and informally.

00:54:35.280 | When I was still functioning as a senior pastor, once a year we would have a family enrichment

00:54:40.520 | conference.

00:54:41.520 | The family enrichment conference was always in January.

00:54:45.160 | In January, all of our attention turned to family-oriented issues.

00:54:49.640 | I'd break away from my normal sermon schedule, and we'd spend the entire month of January

00:54:54.760 | focusing on family things.

00:54:57.960 | And it's interesting, over the 15 years I was pastor there, we charted out our growth

00:55:02.640 | spurts as a church.

00:55:04.360 | And there were two times of the year we had growth spurts.

00:55:06.800 | One was in August and September, when new people were moving into the air, and new people

00:55:11.720 | came to our church, starting school again, getting adjusted into school.

00:55:15.680 | That was our first growth spurt.

00:55:17.560 | The second growth spurt was always in January, and the only thing that we could attribute

00:55:22.000 | it to was the family enrichment conference, where people in the community got excited

00:55:26.280 | about the fact, and the word began to spread, that this church is really interested in families,

00:55:32.440 | and seeing good families, and godly families, and so people started coming.

00:55:37.400 | So preaching, both formally and informally, on family issues is vitally important for

00:55:45.200 | the church.

00:55:47.320 | Secondly, there has to be classes, like in Sunday school, or special elective classes

00:55:53.240 | that deal with family issues.

00:55:54.520 | Here at Grace, we have those all the time, that are going on.

00:56:00.320 | Parenting classes, marital classes, pre-marital classes, are all going on.

00:56:07.840 | Special Bible study groups, for young families, or middle-aged families, or elderly couples,

00:56:15.520 | are vitally important as well.

00:56:17.480 | Or special seminars, and marriage conferences.

00:56:20.960 | But you've got to be careful of the national marriage conferences, and weekends, that tend

00:56:25.680 | to be heavily psychological.

00:56:27.960 | A lot of these very prominent national marriage conferences that claim to be Christians, be

00:56:35.240 | very, very cautious of those, as a pastor.

00:56:43.240 | Some of those conferences are really not biblical at all, and you could actually do more harm

00:56:49.360 | to the couples in your church, by sending them to those conferences, or having your

00:56:53.840 | church attend them, and you spend the next five years just repairing the damage that

00:57:00.280 | some of those conferences do.

00:57:04.960 | There are weekend retreats, and single church group, or groups of churches, that you can

00:57:13.360 | theme on marriage and family issues.

00:57:15.480 | There's also discussion groups, for couples and parents, that you can provide.

00:57:21.920 | Usually every time here at Grace, when we have some kind of emphasis, or stress that's

00:57:27.800 | laid upon parenting, or marital issues, the area that's picked to present this is usually

00:57:34.920 | packed out, because people are interested in hearing, what does the Bible have to say

00:57:39.460 | about these things?

00:57:41.800 | Also, I think a church, as pastoral students, you need to understand that a church also

00:57:48.280 | needs to make sure that good resources are available.

00:57:51.280 | Let me explain why.

00:57:53.080 | Because a lot of the resources in your average Christian bookstore is really bad, and sometimes

00:58:00.400 | you have to warn families in your church, stay away from that stuff.

00:58:05.840 | Sometimes I've told families, as a pastor, I would rather you read the secular literature

00:58:10.080 | than read the supposed Christian literature on it.

00:58:13.440 | The reason why is, because the Christian literature purports that it's biblical.

00:58:18.880 | And so, when they read it in a book, and they think that it's biblical, when in reality

00:58:23.040 | it's not, it's some kind of psychological notion, then they believe it more, because

00:58:28.280 | they think it's biblical.

00:58:30.980 | At least their guard is up when they're reading the secular literature.

00:58:35.040 | So you need to make good resources available, good books and literatures for loaning and

00:58:39.320 | borrowing, encouraging Christians to buy good books, book reviews and church newsletters

00:58:44.220 | and websites and bulletin boards and evening services, talking about that, making sure

00:58:51.280 | that you're reading ahead and you understand what they are, and then sharing them with

00:58:58.120 | your congregation.

00:58:59.280 | Or making audio recordings and videos available for loan or purchase, or providing good family

00:59:04.880 | devotional material.

00:59:07.000 | And since there is a multitude of very harmful and misleading material in the Christian market,

00:59:12.800 | providing this good material is very imperative.

00:59:15.100 | You know the material that you're recommending is good, that it's vitally important that

00:59:20.240 | you understand it, you've got to make sure it's good before you share it with your congregation.

00:59:29.960 | And you can provide warnings concerning harmful or misleading material in order to help the

00:59:33.800 | body of Christ gain some kind of discernment as well.

00:59:38.600 | So there is a sense in which you are the sieve as a pastor in which either good or bad material

00:59:52.440 | is going to pass through and get to your flock.

00:59:55.200 | Now I realize your flock has a lot of voices talking at them on Christian radio, on Christian

01:00:01.600 | television, in the area of Christian bookstores and the books that they read.

01:00:07.920 | So you're not the only voice in their life.

01:00:10.960 | But you should be the primary influential voice other than the scripture itself.

01:00:18.880 | And if that's the case then they should respect your recommendation on what is good and what

01:00:24.080 | is right, what's going to be helpful for a good marital relationship, what's going to

01:00:29.480 | be helpful in my parenting, what's going to encourage me to be more godly in the way that

01:00:37.600 | I treat my husband or my wife, what is that literature that's going to do that?

01:00:48.040 | And then there is third, encouraging family development through the way that the church

01:00:54.120 | activities are scheduled as well.

01:00:58.000 | The church should make sure that it plans its programs and activities in such a way

01:01:02.160 | that it gives people time to be at home together.

01:01:07.040 | You know there are some churches that have so many activities, people aren't able to

01:01:10.720 | be at home together.

01:01:12.800 | There's always something.

01:01:13.960 | On Monday night there's church visitation and on Tuesday night there's a board meeting

01:01:19.040 | and on Wednesday night there's a Juana and on Thursday night there's Bible clubs and

01:01:24.980 | on Friday night there is family Bible studies and it ends up the family has no time together.

01:01:37.320 | That's not good.

01:01:38.360 | We shouldn't schedule so many things that are going on in the church that the family

01:01:46.680 | doesn't have an opportunity to really be together.

01:01:55.160 | That shouldn't be happening.

01:01:59.940 | So we have to be careful there.

01:02:02.860 | Yes?

01:02:03.860 | >> I know there's a lot of discussion going on right now with people all the way to extremes

01:02:24.280 | like Bodie Baucham and others who would say don't do separate ministries so the family

01:02:25.280 | can be together.

01:02:26.280 | I mean obviously there's a balance to be struck.

01:02:27.280 | What do you see is the guiding principle that the church should use?

01:02:30.280 | >> Wow, that's a really good question.

01:02:31.960 | Because he's really asking a question about there are some voices out there in Christianity

01:02:35.960 | that go to the other extreme and say that the church is really doing the wrong thing

01:02:39.600 | when we have anything that takes a person away from the family.

01:02:44.760 | And that's essentially some of those voices.

01:02:48.660 | Well, I think that there are some of those voices that are saying almost idealizes or

01:02:58.600 | they turn the family into an idolatry item.

01:03:04.720 | I mean, it's almost as if they worship the family and that the family is the only institution.

01:03:13.180 | It's not.

01:03:14.180 | The church is too.

01:03:15.180 | Now, I agree.

01:03:16.180 | We can go to one extreme and overschedule a family where they can't meet together.

01:03:20.200 | But I think we can also go to the other extreme and what usually happens in your average Christian

01:03:26.040 | home is if there is not good Bible studies going on in the church, good opportunities

01:03:36.840 | for service going on in the church, then those families are going to gravitate to a ministry

01:03:41.080 | where there is.

01:03:42.920 | Because they know it helps them in the family, it complements what the family is doing.

01:03:47.080 | So I think that there's going to be a balance between complementary ministries that sometimes

01:03:52.880 | take people out of the home without overdoing it.

01:03:58.400 | And at the same time, we give them an opportunity to also be at home together.

01:04:05.120 | Now, we also have another thing going on in our American culture that hinders this.

01:04:11.680 | And part of me sometimes, at least I understand the argument of families being so busy and

01:04:17.200 | out of the home.

01:04:19.480 | And that is, I think we'll talk about this later when it comes to parenting here in the

01:04:26.440 | class.

01:04:27.440 | But a lot of parents get their kids involved in every conceivable thing.

01:04:34.120 | Karate, swimming lessons, ice skating, hockey.

01:04:41.640 | I mean, it's unbelievable.

01:04:44.660 | So mom and dad in the evenings after school are running all of creation.

01:04:51.280 | That's just as harmful as the church overscheduling things for the home and family.

01:05:01.000 | Swimming lessons, football, ballet lessons, gymnastics, on and on.

01:05:14.280 | This list grows higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher.

01:05:19.040 | And the kids are never home.

01:05:21.560 | They're always running somewhere.

01:05:24.080 | And that is even, I believe, more detrimental than the church overscheduling long run, long

01:05:37.240 | term for the family.

01:05:39.320 | Every parent thinks that their kid's going to be some super duper ballet ballerina or

01:05:47.880 | super duper soccer player or unbelievably fantastically talented violinist.

01:05:59.920 | Every parent thinks that and thinks that their kid's going to just really excel.

01:06:04.840 | And it's really devastating when you learn that your kid is just really average.

01:06:09.400 | All right.

01:06:12.040 | And there's nothing wrong with average.

01:06:16.360 | So we don't want to go from one extreme to the other.

01:06:20.440 | We don't want to turn the family into an idol.

01:06:26.100 | And on the other hand, we don't want to ignore the church either.

01:06:31.960 | Because long after those kids are out of your family, they'll still have the church.

01:06:36.040 | And it's important that they have that kind of link for the church.

01:06:39.880 | Well, in addition to this, more than that, it should be encouraged that married couples

01:06:47.600 | to date regularly, urge them to have a weekly family night.

01:06:51.560 | Now, one of the reasons why we're saying that is because, remember, it is the husband and

01:06:56.800 | wife relationship that takes priority over the kid's relationship.

01:07:01.080 | Mom and dad need a time away.

01:07:03.440 | They need a time together.

01:07:06.400 | All their time should not be centered around the kids.

01:07:11.240 | Not long after our twins were born, several weeks after we had spent so much time with

01:07:15.800 | those kids, making sure that they were healthy and growing normally and everything was okay

01:07:20.860 | with them, not long after that happened, I eventually said to my wife, "We got to get

01:07:26.240 | away and get you away from these kids."

01:07:28.080 | You know how hard it was to get her away from those kids?

01:07:32.680 | Because she had really centered her life around those twins because they were such little

01:07:38.440 | babies to begin with, but they began growing pretty rapidly.

01:07:42.920 | But it was hard to pull her away.

01:07:44.600 | We've got to get away.

01:07:45.600 | We've got to go on a retreat or get away for a weekend.

01:07:50.640 | And then after I finally got her away and we spent the weekend together and came back,

01:07:55.000 | she said, "Wow, this is the best thing we've ever done."

01:07:58.240 | But trying to get her away from the kids was really hard.

01:08:04.060 | So then another way you can do this is through the modeling of the church leaders themselves.

01:08:11.200 | It should be evident that their marriage and family is a priority too.

01:08:14.800 | The pastors, the pastoral staff, the elders of the church, and their wives all should

01:08:20.980 | model this as a priority, that the family is a priority.

01:08:27.120 | That's the reason why in most of our church policy, most of our ministry or church policy

01:08:36.360 | was if you're an elder, you can only do one or two things besides being an elder.

01:08:42.360 | If you get yourself in any more ministries than that, then that's an over-commitment

01:08:46.560 | and it's going to pull you out of the family way too often.

01:08:50.520 | Your ministry as an elder is going to be demanding enough, let alone teaching a Sunday school

01:08:55.040 | class or helping out in Iwana, there's going to be a whole, you're not going to have a

01:09:04.720 | whole lot of time with your family.

01:09:08.280 | Or B, how they interact with each other is also important.

01:09:14.560 | That is, the way in which staff families, elders' families interact, husbands and wives,

01:09:20.200 | the way they talk to each other, the way they refer to one another, whether or not they

01:09:23.960 | really respect one another and love one another is really critical for modeling for the rest

01:09:28.440 | of the church.

01:09:30.120 | And then churches need to make sure that their relationship is not, well, by giving other

01:09:39.040 | couples and families opportunities to spend time with their families through hospitality.

01:09:49.640 | They're not so busy that they have no time to spend with their spouse or family.

01:09:57.560 | And that's why I think for church leadership there needs to be some kind of policy that

01:10:01.360 | you only can be involved in a very limited number of ministries, otherwise it will really

01:10:08.240 | affect your family.

01:10:15.840 | Which really brings us to our next point, and that is really restricted service involvement.

01:10:22.280 | So churches really need a policy that sets limits on the number of service opportunities

01:10:29.240 | that a member can fulfill to keep marriage and family a priority.

01:10:34.320 | For example, if he's an elder and a Sunday school teacher, then he's not permitted to

01:10:41.000 | sing in the choir or to work in the children's ministry, he's not permitted to do that.

01:10:48.040 | If he's an elder or a Sunday school teacher, then he's not permitted to sing in the choir

01:10:54.040 | or work in the children's ministry, because no matter how dedicated he may be and how

01:11:00.680 | faithful he is to the church, it's going to hurt his family.

01:11:04.680 | Yes, Jenny?

01:11:05.680 | Wouldn't it be a policy for the whole church, not necessarily just for elders, but for church

01:11:13.840 | members?

01:11:14.840 | Yeah, it can be a policy for everybody in the church, yeah.

01:11:20.960 | Now, we had some exceptions, though.

01:11:23.760 | We had single people who didn't have family responsibilities, and they could be involved

01:11:27.520 | in far more activities than the people who are married.

01:11:36.080 | And you know, it's very interesting.

01:11:37.860 | I think that the Apostle Paul speaks to that very issue a little sort of indirectly, but

01:11:43.320 | nevertheless, it's there.

01:11:45.360 | Grab your Bible just for a moment.

01:11:46.360 | Let's go over to 1 Corinthians 7.

01:11:52.400 | And 1 Corinthians 7, he says, verse 32, he says, "But I want you to be free from concern.

01:12:07.800 | One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the

01:12:11.480 | Lord.

01:12:13.620 | But one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please

01:12:17.080 | his wife, and his interests are divided.

01:12:19.860 | The woman who is unmarried and a virgin is concerned about things of the Lord, that she

01:12:24.860 | may be holy both in body and spirit.

01:12:28.280 | But one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please

01:12:31.400 | her husband."

01:12:34.000 | And then he says, "This I say for your own benefit, not to put a restraint upon you,

01:12:38.140 | but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord."

01:12:42.740 | So the implication here, Jenny, is that single people don't have the responsibilities that

01:12:51.320 | married people do.

01:12:53.900 | And so they can more wholeheartedly give themselves over to the Lord.

01:12:58.200 | So you don't want to make this such a general policy in the church that single people can't

01:13:04.620 | get more involved than married people.

01:13:12.280 | That's really critical, I think.

01:13:15.780 | Then in addition to this, there are also spontaneous efforts of fellow Christians.

01:13:21.760 | For example, you've got the passage like Hebrews chapter 3, verses 12 and 13, it says, "Take

01:13:29.600 | care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls

01:13:34.040 | away from the living God, but encourage one another day after day as long as it is still

01:13:38.400 | called the day, so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."

01:13:43.460 | Now you notice, it is the church's responsibility to look out among itself to make sure there's

01:13:49.600 | not someone among them that has a sinful or evil, unbelieving heart.

01:13:56.420 | And then later on in Hebrews 10, 24 and 25, he says, "And let us consider how to stimulate

01:14:01.800 | one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit

01:14:07.500 | of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see a day drawing near."

01:14:13.600 | That is the day of Christ's return.

01:14:18.920 | So there are these spontaneous efforts of fellow Christians also that can be an encouragement

01:14:28.320 | and a help to families, to marriages.

01:14:37.480 | We're dealing with how the church can be an asset with a family.

01:14:40.820 | That's what we're dealing with.

01:14:42.900 | What type of ministry should that church provide family members?

01:14:49.720 | So so far we've said ongoing counsel.

01:14:54.880 | B, there's also special care counseling through structured counseling.

01:15:06.260 | Sometimes this can be in the form of preventative or preparatory nature, special care counseling.

01:15:19.020 | We can see examples of that.

01:15:20.720 | The Apostle Paul there with the Ephesian elders in Acts 20, verses 28 through 31, especially

01:15:27.620 | in verse 31 where the Apostle Paul says, "How I did not cease to admonish you for three

01:15:32.980 | years night and day with tears," he says.

01:15:39.100 | So he was admonishing them to remain faithful to the word.

01:15:45.500 | And then sometimes your counseling takes on remedial or corrective nature.

01:15:50.660 | This is when a family has gotten into trouble, when a marriage is beginning to fall apart,

01:15:55.220 | or when a home is breaking down and there's broken relationships and maybe one family

01:16:03.420 | member has been abusive to other people within the family, physically or sexually.

01:16:11.500 | And then Escalation 6.1 says we're supposed to be called alongside in a restorative type

01:16:17.020 | of way to help a brother who has fallen into any kind of trespass, or actually the word

01:16:23.500 | there in the Greek is pro lombano, is overtaken in any kind of a, or I think the English sometimes

01:16:32.980 | translates it caught in any trespass.

01:16:36.220 | But the idea is that they've been overtaken in it.

01:16:39.940 | So we're supposed to come along and restore them, fit them back so that they are functioning

01:16:47.700 | better as a marriage and as a home and as a family.

01:16:52.820 | That's our responsibility.

01:16:57.600 | And it's up to you as a pastor who desires to have a church with godly families that

01:17:10.100 | are interested in glorifying the Lord, it's up to you to make sure that these kinds of

01:17:14.540 | ministries are going on to supplement that family, especially if the family begins to

01:17:19.340 | get into trouble.

01:17:20.340 | What are you going to do?

01:17:22.580 | Most pastors choose to punt.

01:17:26.040 | They'll send their hurting families out to some neighborhood psychologist or psychiatrist,

01:17:34.780 | and even though that psychologist or psychiatrist may mean well, and even though that psychologist

01:17:40.660 | or psychiatrist may even call themselves a Christian, does not mean that they are going

01:17:45.700 | to deal with their problems biblically.

01:17:48.180 | In fact, given their training and background, nine chances out of ten, they're not going

01:17:53.820 | to deal with it biblically.

01:17:55.740 | In fact, they'll do more harm than good to the marriage and do more harm than good to

01:18:00.340 | the family.

01:18:00.940 | [End of Audio]

01:18:01.440 | 1.5.1 The Church's Response to the Church's Disaster 1.5.1 The Church's Response to the

01:18:02.440 | Church's Disaster 1.5.1 The Church's Response to the Church's

01:18:03.440 | Disaster 1.5.1 The Church's Response to the Church's

01:18:04.440 | Disaster 1.5.1 The Church's Response to the Church's

01:18:05.440 | Disaster 1.5.1 The Church's Response to the Church's

01:18:06.440 | Disaster 1.5.1 The Church's Response to the Church's

01:18:07.440 | Disaster 1.5.1 The Church's Response to the Church's

Lecture 3: Marriage and Family Counseling - Dr. John D. Street

Chapters