Should I Let Unmarried Couples Stay in My House?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - Carolyn from Derbyshire, England writes in to ask this,

00:00:08.240 | Dear Pastor John, how should I handle friends or family

00:00:10.920 | visiting overnight who are non-Christians

00:00:13.800 | and who are sinfully living together

00:00:15.720 | or who are living in same-sex relationships?

00:00:19.520 | Likewise, Wayne writes in to ask,

00:00:21.240 | Pastor John, how far should I go to impose my values

00:00:24.400 | on non-Christians or even nominal Christians

00:00:26.600 | when they stay in my home?

00:00:28.240 | For instance, if an unmarried couple wants to share a bed

00:00:31.120 | when spending the night in our home,

00:00:32.880 | should I insist that they not share a bed

00:00:34.960 | even at the risk of destroying the relationship?

00:00:37.840 | - I don't find this question easy, first of all.

00:00:42.780 | Some might think it's a no-brainer, but I don't.

00:00:46.700 | Because I agree that in general,

00:00:52.080 | we're not responsible for the sins of unbelievers.

00:00:56.360 | In the church, among believers,

00:00:58.680 | we seek to admonish each other and encourage each other

00:01:01.760 | to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord,

00:01:03.520 | and we discipline those who are unrepentant

00:01:06.560 | in flagrant sin.

00:01:09.480 | But what about those outside?

00:01:12.360 | So here's the key passage.

00:01:13.800 | One of our elders preached on this a couple Sundays ago.

00:01:17.560 | Paul says in 1 Corinthians 5, 9,

00:01:20.400 | I wrote to you in my letter

00:01:22.040 | not to associate with the sexually immoral people,

00:01:25.440 | not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world,

00:01:29.760 | for what have I to do with judging outsiders?

00:01:33.480 | Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?

00:01:41.140 | God judges those outside.

00:01:44.500 | So I feel the concern that Caroline and Wayne express

00:01:51.200 | in not wanting to police the bedrooms of unbelievers,

00:01:56.200 | and not to let such a policing drive people away

00:02:01.600 | when you were hoping that a friendship

00:02:03.620 | might lead them to Christ.

00:02:05.960 | But what makes it difficult is that there's another thing

00:02:11.900 | we want to avoid besides undermining the relationship.

00:02:15.840 | Namely, we want to avoid communicating the message

00:02:21.360 | that we are indifferent to their sinful behavior.

00:02:25.320 | Behavior in fact that Paul says will bring them to ruin,

00:02:30.160 | will bring the wrath of God on them, Colossians 3, 6.

00:02:33.180 | Add to that the concern

00:02:35.960 | that a common cultural expectation in our culture

00:02:42.840 | is that guests generally conform to the expectations

00:02:49.360 | of the host without feeling controlled or policed.

00:02:53.800 | And add, here's a third thing that makes it difficult.

00:02:57.920 | The possible application of Romans 13, 14.

00:03:03.500 | It says, "Put on the Lord Jesus Christ

00:03:06.400 | "and make no provision for the flesh

00:03:09.440 | "to gratify its desires."

00:03:11.720 | Make no provision for the flesh to gratify its desires.

00:03:14.800 | Now, I know that this applies first and foremost

00:03:18.440 | to our own behavior.

00:03:19.760 | Don't make provision for your own fleshly sin.

00:03:24.760 | Don't make it easy, don't plan for it,

00:03:26.720 | don't put anything out there

00:03:27.960 | as a base of operations for it.

00:03:30.920 | But might it not also have implications

00:03:34.360 | for our participation in other people's flesh?

00:03:39.360 | We're not called to police the private sins of unbelievers,

00:03:44.960 | but neither are we called to make provision for them

00:03:49.720 | in our own home.

00:03:51.720 | So my answer is a non-absolute encouragement,

00:03:56.720 | this is what seems to me to be wise,

00:04:02.560 | given all those factors,

00:04:04.240 | a non-absolute encouragement to live the kind of life

00:04:09.240 | and speak the kind of robust faith upfront,

00:04:13.560 | upfront, at work, in the relationship, at school,

00:04:16.880 | so that people know we are Christians

00:04:19.520 | with standards drawn from scriptures.

00:04:21.600 | It's not a shock if we bring something up.

00:04:25.320 | And then we seek to delicately and humbly,

00:04:29.600 | I spoke this, I told Noelle about this question,

00:04:32.720 | my wife and daughter, and got their input.

00:04:35.440 | And Noelle is always wise when I bring these up to her.

00:04:39.360 | And she said, "You know, how you talk about it

00:04:41.520 | "is gonna make all the difference."

00:04:43.280 | And that's right.

00:04:44.720 | And so humbly and delicately,

00:04:46.640 | you say maybe something like this.

00:04:49.320 | You know, as a Christian,

00:04:51.440 | I think sleeping together is something

00:04:55.160 | that God reserves for marriage.

00:04:57.760 | I think that's what he taught us in the Bible.

00:05:00.080 | I know you don't see things that way,

00:05:03.100 | and I don't want that to drive a wedge between us,

00:05:08.100 | but it would make me feel better

00:05:12.440 | if in my home, you would stay in different rooms tonight.

00:05:17.440 | And my daughter added, she said,

00:05:21.860 | "Anytime anybody that I go visit

00:05:24.320 | "gives up their bedroom for me, I feel honored."

00:05:27.180 | 'Cause it probably would cost that, right?

00:05:29.360 | You don't have that many bedrooms to go around.

00:05:30.840 | Somebody's sleeping on the couch,

00:05:32.360 | and it would be awkward for you

00:05:34.160 | to put one of them on the couch,

00:05:35.360 | because then they're gonna feel like,

00:05:36.320 | "Oh, well, they made it difficult."

00:05:38.680 | But you give them your bedroom,

00:05:40.320 | the guest room to one, your room to the other,

00:05:42.080 | and you go to the couch.

00:05:43.360 | She thought that would possibly have an impact for good.

00:05:47.560 | What that simple statement says

00:05:50.720 | is a desire for the relationship to continue,

00:05:54.260 | sends the signal that you have firm convictions,

00:05:56.960 | different from the surrounding culture,

00:05:59.360 | which is what the world really expects

00:06:01.960 | from serious Christians.

00:06:03.800 | It will be far less confusing for them

00:06:07.680 | when you talk someday about what it means

00:06:10.880 | to follow Jesus.

00:06:12.600 | It would prove awkward if they said,

00:06:15.740 | "Oh, I didn't know you had a problem

00:06:18.340 | "with us sleeping together, since we did it at your house."

00:06:21.920 | So that's my estimate of the situation.

00:06:25.720 | Communicate both a desire for the relationship

00:06:29.320 | and a firm conviction about sexual abstinence

00:06:34.320 | outside marriage.

00:06:36.920 | - Thank you, Pastor John,

00:06:37.760 | and thank you, Carolyn and Wayne,

00:06:39.040 | for the very practical questions.

00:06:40.440 | Keep them coming in.

00:06:41.880 | On a related note, see episode number 365

00:06:44.560 | in this podcast series where I ask Pastor John,

00:06:46.840 | will you marry a couple already living together?

00:06:50.200 | That's episode number 365.

00:06:52.560 | Tomorrow we'll be back to talk more about God's will,

00:06:55.080 | specifically how God can be sovereign

00:06:57.520 | over what he finds to be morally objectionable.

00:07:01.440 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:07:02.280 | We'll see you tomorrow.

00:07:03.380 | (upbeat music)

00:07:05.960 | (upbeat music)

00:07:08.540 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Should I Let Unmarried Couples Stay in My House?

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