ATHLLC3561713322

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:01.960 | - Hello, and welcome to another episode of All The Hacks,

00:00:04.720 | a show about upgrading your life, money, and travel.

00:00:07.400 | I'm Chris Hutchins, and I'm excited you're here

00:00:09.320 | because today we're gonna talk about confidence.

00:00:11.760 | It's a term I'm sure you're familiar with,

00:00:13.960 | but you might have trouble having it,

00:00:15.600 | building it, or using it.

00:00:17.280 | And here with me today is Dr. Aziz Gazipura,

00:00:19.960 | who's one of the world's leading confidence experts,

00:00:22.240 | and we're gonna talk about how you can use confidence

00:00:24.120 | to your advantage to become successful in your career,

00:00:26.560 | relationships, and life in general.

00:00:28.800 | Dr. Aziz has combined academic training

00:00:31.040 | in clinical psychology with real-world experiences

00:00:33.800 | to help us break free from the grip of social anxiety

00:00:36.600 | and unlock our true potential.

00:00:38.700 | We'll cover a range of topics,

00:00:40.320 | including the concept of social freedom

00:00:42.160 | and how one can benefit from it,

00:00:43.840 | how to be better at decision-making

00:00:45.280 | in a world of so many ways to optimize.

00:00:47.720 | We'll debunk myths around confidence and being nice,

00:00:50.280 | which is often driven by people-pleasing.

00:00:52.560 | And we'll also discuss how parents can teach their kids

00:00:55.160 | to become more self-confident

00:00:56.620 | and develop healthy social skills

00:00:58.480 | so they too can live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

00:01:01.600 | I am really excited about this one,

00:01:03.240 | so let's jump in right after this.

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00:02:19.520 | (upbeat music)

00:02:21.880 | - Aziz, thanks for being here.

00:02:23.460 | - I'm glad to be here.

00:02:24.300 | - Thank you, Chris.

00:02:25.140 | - I think most of us know what confidence is

00:02:27.160 | or what it feels like,

00:02:28.320 | but I think it'd be good to start this conversation off

00:02:30.940 | by just having you define it for us.

00:02:33.080 | - My favorite definition is going straight

00:02:34.920 | to the root in Latin, which is confides,

00:02:37.440 | which means with faith,

00:02:38.880 | which is pretty broad, with faith,

00:02:40.680 | but it's like faith in what?

00:02:42.400 | Well, you can have self-confidence.

00:02:43.920 | I believe in myself.

00:02:45.520 | That would be called self-efficacy in psychology.

00:02:48.400 | I believe I'm effective.

00:02:49.800 | I believe I can do that.

00:02:51.000 | If you've been a mechanic for a bunch of years,

00:02:53.160 | you have self-confidence that you can fix a car,

00:02:55.420 | but then there's also social confidence.

00:02:58.220 | Are you able to talk to people?

00:03:00.060 | Are you able to connect with them?

00:03:01.820 | And then we can also have confidence in our careers,

00:03:04.620 | in our romantic life, but in any area of your life,

00:03:07.260 | do you have faith in yourself?

00:03:09.000 | Do you have faith in possibly something beyond you

00:03:12.580 | in the future in which you can create?

00:03:15.060 | But that's really at its root what it is.

00:03:17.420 | It's really just a belief in you

00:03:19.540 | or in something going the way

00:03:20.780 | that you think you can create it.

00:03:22.060 | - And what do you think most people are getting wrong

00:03:24.000 | when they think about their own confidence?

00:03:25.960 | - Their confidence is very contextual

00:03:28.520 | based upon the circumstances of their life.

00:03:30.800 | They make money, the job goes well, the deal goes through.

00:03:34.060 | They feel more confident.

00:03:34.960 | The person likes you.

00:03:35.840 | You get the positive response on social media

00:03:37.960 | or someone's like, "I think your work is great,"

00:03:39.620 | or someone wants to go on a date with you,

00:03:41.080 | and you're like, "Yeah," and your confidence goes up.

00:03:43.040 | And then rejection, setback, bad day,

00:03:46.560 | challenge, confidence goes down.

00:03:48.340 | Most people are kind of riding that current up and down,

00:03:51.040 | and they fail to realize

00:03:52.160 | that confidence is actually an inside job.

00:03:55.080 | I mean, sure, we're affected by circumstances,

00:03:57.700 | but it doesn't have to be a buoy

00:03:59.680 | on the surface of the water.

00:04:00.920 | You can actually choose and practice tools and habits

00:04:05.680 | to sustain higher unconditional confidence

00:04:08.280 | that doesn't require your circumstances

00:04:10.080 | to be in your favor.

00:04:10.920 | How often are they always in our favor?

00:04:12.760 | We don't have control over that.

00:04:13.800 | - You've said you can cultivate, nurture,

00:04:15.440 | and grow these habits.

00:04:16.580 | How do we do that?

00:04:17.420 | - Well, you gotta first know what the habits are, right?

00:04:19.360 | What are the habits of confidence?

00:04:20.440 | There's a handful of them that are gonna be the ones

00:04:22.460 | that get you the biggest bang for your buck.

00:04:24.160 | A lot of people might have heard of a few of them,

00:04:26.960 | but are we practicing them,

00:04:28.780 | and do we really know how to do them?

00:04:30.500 | I'm gonna distill it down just to two,

00:04:31.960 | 'cause 10 is too many, just two.

00:04:34.280 | You do these, it's gonna change

00:04:36.000 | the lion's share of your confidence.

00:04:37.960 | One is inside at what you do,

00:04:40.080 | and one is what you practice in the world.

00:04:42.180 | On the inside, I call it being on your own side.

00:04:45.480 | That's a phrase that is basically how do you treat yourself

00:04:49.240 | and how do you relate to yourself?

00:04:50.560 | We all have a relationship with ourselves,

00:04:52.600 | as well as with your family, your friends,

00:04:54.160 | your spouse, your kids, whatever.

00:04:55.560 | Then there's you and you.

00:04:56.560 | You're with you 24/7,

00:04:58.000 | and if you look inside of most people's heads,

00:04:59.880 | if you were to peel it back and observe,

00:05:02.300 | most people, even successful people,

00:05:05.480 | have a negative or toxic relationship with themselves.

00:05:09.400 | If you were to observe two humans at a restaurant

00:05:12.680 | talking to each other the way that you talk to yourself,

00:05:15.660 | you'd probably be disturbed.

00:05:17.360 | You'd be like, "Do I have to sit here?

00:05:18.720 | "Can I move tables?"

00:05:19.880 | It's critical, it's negative, it's predicting the worst,

00:05:23.200 | it's harping on things, it's nitpicking.

00:05:25.840 | This isn't just horribly low confidence.

00:05:27.840 | Most people are trying to push through that and ignore it,

00:05:30.960 | but it's dead weight on your confidence.

00:05:32.880 | So, you have to change your relationship with yourself,

00:05:35.480 | and we can talk more about how to do that.

00:05:37.520 | That's the first habit, to be on your own side,

00:05:39.640 | to treat yourself like someone you actually love

00:05:42.040 | and to learn how to optimize the way you coach yourself.

00:05:44.920 | Most people are very bad at that.

00:05:46.580 | The second side is you have to consistently build

00:05:50.760 | the muscle of confidence,

00:05:52.460 | which is a byproduct of bold action.

00:05:54.960 | You take bold action in the world, you will grow muscle.

00:05:58.560 | Just like if you lift weights and push it to the edge,

00:06:01.040 | it's the same thing with confidence.

00:06:02.240 | If you do it scares you,

00:06:03.080 | then the byproduct of that is confidence.

00:06:05.280 | If you combine those two and practice those regularly,

00:06:07.680 | you can have high sustained confidence through any season.

00:06:10.280 | - Funny how so many of these big things in life

00:06:12.720 | seem to be able to be distilled into two things.

00:06:15.160 | We had a conversation with Vanessa Van Edwards on Charisma,

00:06:17.680 | and she's like,

00:06:18.520 | "It's a balance between warmth and competence."

00:06:20.720 | If you can master those two things

00:06:22.260 | and the balance between them.

00:06:23.260 | I wanna dig into this, right?

00:06:24.460 | Why is this not so obvious?

00:06:26.580 | Why are we all walking around beating ourselves up

00:06:29.340 | and not taking bold actions?

00:06:30.840 | Is it that people don't know that's what you need to do

00:06:33.340 | and that's your life's work?

00:06:34.700 | Or is it that it's actually really hard

00:06:36.620 | and there are easier ways to do it?

00:06:37.880 | Or maybe it's both.

00:06:38.720 | - Great question.

00:06:39.560 | I think a lot of people, if you ask them,

00:06:41.860 | "Are those things good to do?"

00:06:43.060 | They'd be like, "Oh yeah, just like eating my vegetables,

00:06:45.580 | working out every day, spending time slowing down,

00:06:47.980 | unplugging from my phone and connecting with my spouse.

00:06:50.060 | It's great."

00:06:50.900 | But are we doing all those things, right?

00:06:52.260 | And the reason we don't,

00:06:53.720 | just like we don't do all those other healthy habits,

00:06:55.680 | maybe some people do,

00:06:56.520 | but the reason it's a challenge to do something

00:06:58.740 | that sounds very simple

00:07:00.380 | is because there's an emotional driver

00:07:03.780 | underneath the surface.

00:07:05.520 | And each one has a payoff.

00:07:07.220 | I start with a bold action.

00:07:08.380 | There's a huge set of payoffs for not taking bold action.

00:07:12.180 | One of the payoffs is we get to avoid the thing

00:07:14.580 | that everyone by default is trying to avoid in life,

00:07:17.500 | which is pain.

00:07:18.340 | When we take a bold action,

00:07:19.500 | we're going to experience a variety of forms of pain.

00:07:22.140 | Some of it's just discomfort.

00:07:23.540 | To wake up, to focus, to take the action,

00:07:26.060 | to consistently follow up.

00:07:27.540 | There's a discomfort to that.

00:07:28.860 | And there's an emotional discomfort of

00:07:31.220 | what if they don't like my show?

00:07:33.280 | What if someone doesn't agree with me?

00:07:35.420 | What if someone criticizes?

00:07:36.540 | What if my work's not good enough?

00:07:38.340 | What if I'm rejected?

00:07:39.500 | It all comes down to that.

00:07:40.420 | Most people are so afraid of that

00:07:43.380 | and even unconsciously avoiding that,

00:07:45.520 | they push the action to later.

00:07:47.900 | They make it way smaller.

00:07:49.260 | They delay it.

00:07:50.100 | They hesitate.

00:07:50.920 | And they don't even necessarily know

00:07:52.580 | that's what we're doing, right?

00:07:53.660 | It's just like, no, I'm busy.

00:07:54.940 | But underneath, I'm scared.

00:07:57.060 | We want to look macho.

00:07:58.540 | We don't want to say we're scared.

00:07:59.820 | So, we say I'm stressed and I'm too busy.

00:08:01.640 | That's the payoff for the bold action.

00:08:03.860 | You might say, what is the payoff for treating yourself bad?

00:08:06.020 | Obviously, that's terrible.

00:08:07.420 | I would say that it actually serves the same master.

00:08:10.780 | When I tell myself, it's gonna fail.

00:08:13.400 | I'm not good.

00:08:14.240 | I didn't do that right.

00:08:15.200 | That's creating a fog, an amnesia.

00:08:18.000 | I forget my strengths.

00:08:19.620 | I'm sure you've done that.

00:08:20.460 | I've done that.

00:08:21.280 | It's two in the morning and the way you're seeing yourself

00:08:22.700 | is like this helpless, incompetent person.

00:08:25.440 | Wait a minute.

00:08:26.280 | That's weird.

00:08:27.100 | Why am I even believing this?

00:08:27.940 | Because the more we believe that,

00:08:29.620 | we stay in protective walls of this negative identity.

00:08:33.440 | I'm a nobody.

00:08:34.280 | Who am I?

00:08:35.100 | I'm a nobody who's nothing is even further

00:08:37.940 | from taking that bold action.

00:08:39.420 | All of this is under the umbrella

00:08:41.500 | of what I call your safety police,

00:08:43.420 | which is a mechanism in your psychology.

00:08:45.460 | Its purpose is single fold.

00:08:47.540 | It is to keep you safe.

00:08:48.900 | The safety police is a survival mechanism inside

00:08:51.340 | that's run amok.

00:08:52.180 | It's the dial is set too high.

00:08:53.660 | Safety means no pain, no rejection,

00:08:56.580 | no threat, no danger, no risk.

00:08:59.220 | You tell yourself you're a nobody and you avoid the action

00:09:02.340 | and you get to stay in that bubble,

00:09:04.500 | which feels safer in the moment.

00:09:06.900 | Of course, meanwhile, your life is passing you by.

00:09:09.140 | - Seems like both of those are a little bit

00:09:10.620 | like a voice in your head,

00:09:12.260 | this inner critic that is controlling you.

00:09:15.100 | Is that a fair assumption?

00:09:17.500 | - Yes.

00:09:18.320 | The inner critic you could think of

00:09:19.160 | as the mouthpiece of the safety police.

00:09:20.840 | It's the one who's narrating.

00:09:22.180 | The crazy thing is why do people believe it?

00:09:24.020 | It's almost because it's familiar

00:09:25.780 | and also because it has proximity.

00:09:28.780 | It's coming from in your head.

00:09:30.020 | It's closer than your closest friend.

00:09:31.880 | And so, okay, I guess that's true.

00:09:33.860 | I'll often do that with clients.

00:09:34.900 | I'm like, where is that voice coming from?

00:09:36.540 | And they're like, what do you mean?

00:09:37.380 | It's from my childhood.

00:09:38.260 | I'm like, no, right now.

00:09:39.140 | How are you even hearing that thing?

00:09:40.340 | And then it's like a confusing mindfulness question.

00:09:42.220 | They're like, I don't know, right?

00:09:44.220 | But it's close.

00:09:45.600 | And all of a sudden we assume because it's close

00:09:47.500 | and we've heard it a lot that it's true.

00:09:49.820 | This is one of the tools I help clients break free with.

00:09:51.900 | If you pay attention to its track record of predictions,

00:09:55.460 | it's really bad.

00:09:56.340 | Oh, you're going to fail at that meeting.

00:09:57.580 | No one's going to buy the thing.

00:09:58.820 | You go there and it goes okay and people buy the thing.

00:10:00.900 | That person would never go out with you.

00:10:02.340 | And the person goes out with you, right?

00:10:03.700 | Maybe not that one, but the next one.

00:10:05.420 | Think about that if you had like a financial advisor

00:10:07.940 | and they couldn't beat the market.

00:10:09.100 | They were wrong all the time.

00:10:10.860 | And you just keep going back to them.

00:10:12.180 | You're like, what do you think this time?

00:10:13.620 | They're just so certain that you keep going to it.

00:10:15.740 | And I think that's how we are with the inner critic.

00:10:17.500 | - So what do we do with both of these areas

00:10:19.580 | and what are the tactics?

00:10:20.540 | - Great question.

00:10:21.380 | A lot of people, when they discover this,

00:10:22.940 | they're like, how do I kill the critic, right?

00:10:24.300 | It's the enemy, slay the demon.

00:10:26.840 | I don't think it works that way.

00:10:28.340 | You can think of the parts of our psychology

00:10:30.380 | as that old show survivor.

00:10:32.100 | You can't vote them off the island.

00:10:34.180 | They actually are a part in there.

00:10:36.140 | The problem is not the survivor and the safety police.

00:10:38.680 | The problem is the dial.

00:10:40.060 | The setting is too high.

00:10:41.440 | You do need some survival skills.

00:10:43.380 | That prevents you from jumping off the 30 foot building

00:10:45.740 | and breaking your legs.

00:10:46.980 | You have a sense of risk and all that.

00:10:49.260 | The issue is that we need to turn the dial down.

00:10:51.900 | The first thing that people have to do

00:10:53.580 | is even know this conversation that we're having exists

00:10:56.180 | and say, wait a minute, it's not just me, Aziz,

00:10:58.420 | or you, Chris.

00:10:59.260 | There's a lot of parts inside.

00:11:00.220 | And one of the parts is this inner critic.

00:11:01.700 | The first thing I do with people is,

00:11:02.860 | can you know when your critic is talking?

00:11:04.500 | Do you know when it's you thinking versus the critic?

00:11:07.420 | Now, we don't have to get crazy.

00:11:08.740 | It's philosophical, like what is me, right?

00:11:11.620 | But are you seeing clearly?

00:11:14.580 | Are you having a distorted view of yourself

00:11:16.860 | as incapable and unlovable?

00:11:18.740 | You'll start to hear the critic and get better at it

00:11:21.500 | because it's languages and extremes.

00:11:23.540 | It's gonna go awful.

00:11:25.520 | Everyone's gonna think you're terrible.

00:11:27.420 | It magnifies, it's a fun house mirror.

00:11:30.380 | One is identify the critic and just get good at it.

00:11:32.940 | With clients, I'll have them do an awareness exercise

00:11:35.100 | usually for a week or two where they're noting it,

00:11:37.260 | tracking it.

00:11:38.100 | I'll have them name it too.

00:11:38.940 | Some people just call it the critic.

00:11:40.460 | Some people come up with these like pretty funny,

00:11:42.100 | creative, silly names just to break the pattern

00:11:45.340 | a little bit.

00:11:46.180 | You start to name it.

00:11:47.280 | Then the biggest technique you could call it

00:11:50.300 | is not some hack to know what to say.

00:11:52.940 | It actually is deeper than that.

00:11:54.760 | You have to make what I call the decision of a lifetime.

00:11:57.240 | I have a book called "On My Own Side,"

00:11:58.380 | which is guiding people through this.

00:11:59.540 | And you're aware of this critic.

00:12:01.160 | It's all the time.

00:12:02.000 | I can name it.

00:12:02.820 | I can see it now.

00:12:03.660 | Okay, great.

00:12:04.500 | Take a moment and really pay attention

00:12:06.420 | to what's happening here.

00:12:07.300 | Observe it for a while.

00:12:08.620 | Hopefully there's some part inside of you.

00:12:10.820 | Like when you watch a movie,

00:12:11.820 | what's that one with Leonardo DiCaprio

00:12:13.140 | and Robert De Niro from way back in the day?

00:12:15.440 | Some terrible, abusive stepfather.

00:12:17.160 | When you're watching that movie

00:12:18.340 | and you're identifying with the young character,

00:12:20.460 | every part of your body wants that young son

00:12:24.460 | or character to stand up to that tyrant

00:12:27.220 | and say, "This is effed up.

00:12:29.020 | I'm leaving your house.

00:12:30.220 | I'm out.

00:12:31.060 | I'm done."

00:12:31.880 | Basically, people have to have that moment

00:12:34.220 | inside of themselves.

00:12:35.200 | Because what happens is that the critic's beating them up

00:12:37.580 | and they're believing it.

00:12:38.740 | And they're like, "Okay, I caught it.

00:12:39.880 | Now what do I do?"

00:12:41.240 | But the energy is not there.

00:12:43.460 | You need to have a revolution inside.

00:12:46.380 | You need to usurp the power of the critic

00:12:48.680 | and take control of your inner self

00:12:50.860 | and be the captain of your ship, as I call it.

00:12:52.620 | That means the critic is the parent kicking you around.

00:12:55.380 | You need to become the parent.

00:12:56.540 | It's a decision.

00:12:57.380 | And the decision comes from reaching a threshold moment

00:12:59.860 | of really observing, "This is effed up.

00:13:01.660 | What is this?

00:13:02.500 | What am I doing to myself?"

00:13:03.500 | You gotta have this sense of almost outrage

00:13:05.620 | or disgust or revulsion or something.

00:13:07.740 | You say, "All right, that's it.

00:13:08.620 | I'm gonna take control here."

00:13:10.200 | Because otherwise, before that decision,

00:13:12.220 | it always goes like this.

00:13:13.980 | And I see this all the time.

00:13:14.860 | People go to cognitive therapy.

00:13:16.420 | They teach them how to deal with their negative thoughts,

00:13:18.060 | which is their critic.

00:13:18.900 | They'll write out the critical thoughts.

00:13:20.460 | "You're a loser or nobody likes you."

00:13:22.180 | And they're like, "Okay, what do I do?"

00:13:23.700 | The therapist is like, "Challenge the thought."

00:13:25.740 | And they're like, "Okay, I'm good.

00:13:28.100 | And many people do like me.

00:13:30.000 | Is that right?"

00:13:30.840 | It's got no power because they're still framed,

00:13:34.300 | still living within the reality created by their critic.

00:13:37.460 | They still see themselves that way.

00:13:39.060 | We have to shatter that

00:13:41.100 | and be willing to see what's really true.

00:13:42.980 | And I could go deeper and more granular, but I'll pause.

00:13:44.940 | - I'm curious how applicable this is to everyone.

00:13:48.740 | Or is this for people who found themselves so deep

00:13:51.420 | that they have no confidence?

00:13:52.700 | Because I imagine there's some people listening

00:13:54.700 | that don't necessarily feel

00:13:56.020 | like they don't have confidence.

00:13:57.220 | They're willing to go to a meeting

00:13:59.020 | and feel like they're gonna do a great job,

00:14:00.980 | but it could probably level up as well.

00:14:02.940 | I'm curious if you address some of the tactics

00:14:05.660 | you said make me feel like I'm not even sure

00:14:07.700 | I'm at that point yet.

00:14:09.020 | However, I have no doubt that there is something

00:14:12.140 | to be learned for everyone.

00:14:13.600 | So how does this calibrate for people?

00:14:15.340 | - This doesn't have to mean that you're impaired

00:14:17.820 | to the point where you can't go into that meeting.

00:14:19.540 | But a lot of people, the morning of the meeting,

00:14:21.640 | they're short with their spouse.

00:14:23.260 | They're stressed out.

00:14:24.100 | Like, I got that meeting.

00:14:25.380 | I think if you look at a lot of people,

00:14:26.740 | there's some fear underneath.

00:14:29.180 | And the fear is this has to go good or else.

00:14:32.100 | They might say, I'm gonna crush it.

00:14:33.340 | I'm gonna just nail it, maybe.

00:14:35.220 | Now that's great.

00:14:36.060 | Then you could observe what are you doing?

00:14:37.620 | You're probably reinforcing an identity,

00:14:40.360 | how you see yourself of capability.

00:14:42.140 | I got this, I can do this.

00:14:43.700 | And you know what that is?

00:14:44.700 | Their critic has been swapped out

00:14:46.660 | with what I would call an optimal self-coach.

00:14:48.680 | That's a process that you can observe.

00:14:50.200 | Even if your critic's not terrible,

00:14:52.020 | you gotta start listening to it.

00:14:53.260 | You could ask this question before a meeting.

00:14:54.980 | Am I nervous?

00:14:56.040 | What am I telling myself?

00:14:57.160 | This is a great question.

00:14:58.140 | Who's coaching me in my head right now?

00:14:59.940 | And you could say, what would an optimal coach say?

00:15:02.480 | Think back if you've ever had a sports coach

00:15:04.460 | when you were young or a life coach as you got older

00:15:06.980 | or someone who was a mentor or a guide

00:15:09.720 | who actually fulfilled that role for you.

00:15:11.900 | What would they say?

00:15:13.140 | How would they perceive this?

00:15:14.500 | And you can start to tap into that and draw on that.

00:15:17.820 | But I would say that there's still often

00:15:19.060 | a layer of fear underneath.

00:15:20.480 | And that fear is some level of,

00:15:22.860 | if this doesn't go well, then dot, dot, dot.

00:15:25.820 | I think the next level,

00:15:27.180 | if you wanna talk about extraordinary confidence,

00:15:29.500 | it's the people that are willing to face that

00:15:32.180 | and to go into any scenario of life,

00:15:35.460 | even the stuff that we would never want to occur,

00:15:38.140 | and to not say, oh great, I hope that happens,

00:15:40.740 | but to say, you know what?

00:15:41.660 | If that happens, I'll be okay too.

00:15:43.260 | I know I can handle anything.

00:15:44.520 | That's when you get to a certain level of confidence

00:15:46.760 | where you're able to move through life

00:15:48.160 | without that roller coaster of fear and up and down.

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00:18:28.300 | Whether you have no confidence or a lot of it,

00:18:30.100 | sounds like you could have more

00:18:31.260 | and the impact on your life of having more would be great.

00:18:33.780 | So you just need to confront

00:18:35.420 | and stand up to this inner critic.

00:18:37.380 | Are there more habits to build

00:18:39.580 | or types of coaching to keep it going?

00:18:41.700 | 'Cause it seems like it'd be easy one morning

00:18:43.300 | to be like, you know what, forget it.

00:18:44.300 | This is gonna be great,

00:18:45.180 | but that doesn't mean that it's gonna last forever.

00:18:47.140 | - Here's a simple one.

00:18:48.060 | I think it's helpful when you think about what habits to do,

00:18:50.100 | what's the outcome, what are we trying to do?

00:18:51.660 | And you say, I'm trying to build my confidence.

00:18:52.940 | Yes, but when your identity is expanded enough

00:18:56.860 | for whatever it is you're trying to do,

00:18:58.460 | you don't need to pep talk yourself.

00:19:00.100 | So I'm sure there's things

00:19:00.980 | that you can do something in your life.

00:19:02.740 | You don't have to think about it as confidence

00:19:03.900 | 'cause you've just done it so many times

00:19:05.740 | that it's no big deal.

00:19:06.860 | Is there anything in your life like a hobby or a work task?

00:19:09.420 | I know you do a lot of travel.

00:19:10.500 | For some people, travel is overwhelming.

00:19:12.300 | My God, where would I even go?

00:19:13.380 | I don't know if that even feels that way to you

00:19:14.780 | at this point.

00:19:15.620 | - I don't stress out.

00:19:16.940 | We're taking this trip we talked about

00:19:18.260 | right before we started in a couple of weeks.

00:19:19.980 | And we have no idea where we're going.

00:19:21.660 | I know a lot of people will be very overwhelmed

00:19:23.620 | going on a trip for a week.

00:19:24.900 | In two weeks, we have no idea what we're doing.

00:19:26.620 | I just know that we're gonna be able to find a great trip.

00:19:29.260 | It doesn't even bother me.

00:19:30.340 | My wife's like, well, I might need to buy some clothes

00:19:32.260 | if it's gonna be cold or warm.

00:19:33.660 | So it'd be good to know on more than a day's notice.

00:19:35.860 | But for me, I'm like, I have warm clothes,

00:19:37.420 | I have cold clothes.

00:19:38.260 | I'm pretty confident we'll have a good trip.

00:19:39.940 | - You can hear there's like a relaxed sense of certainty

00:19:42.540 | around that.

00:19:43.380 | A lot of people wouldn't have that.

00:19:44.540 | I don't travel.

00:19:45.380 | I used to travel a lot when I was younger.

00:19:46.380 | I haven't traveled that much in the last seven, eight years.

00:19:48.300 | For me, I don't know if I'd be overstressed about it,

00:19:50.500 | but it would be more than you.

00:19:51.980 | 'Cause there's something different there.

00:19:53.380 | What's the differentiating factor there?

00:19:55.540 | My sense is you probably traveled a lot.

00:19:57.100 | You do a show that involves travel, right?

00:19:59.220 | So you've expanded your identity.

00:20:01.460 | Chris includes travel.

00:20:04.620 | How did you expand the identity to include that?

00:20:07.060 | You weren't born that way.

00:20:08.580 | Did you grow up with world traveler parents?

00:20:10.660 | - A little bit, yeah.

00:20:11.500 | My grandparents traveled a lot.

00:20:13.100 | My parents traveled, we went places.

00:20:15.300 | So yes.

00:20:16.220 | - You had this exposure, practice,

00:20:18.900 | and it becomes familiar and normal

00:20:21.140 | for you to do that kind of thing.

00:20:22.300 | So now we're gonna go on a trip in a couple of weeks.

00:20:24.420 | No big deal.

00:20:25.340 | I had a buddy when I was young who was like

00:20:26.900 | straight out of a movie, Hacker Nerd Kids.

00:20:29.100 | And this was '97 or something, '95.

00:20:32.060 | Everything was simpler in a way.

00:20:33.820 | Computer systems, the internet.

00:20:35.100 | He could just furiously type

00:20:36.380 | and literally at the school library,

00:20:37.940 | be like in the administrator section of the school.

00:20:40.980 | I'm like, what are you doing?

00:20:42.660 | Right?

00:20:43.500 | Because he grew up on computers.

00:20:45.060 | He just knew how to do that stuff.

00:20:46.220 | What does all this have to do with confidence at work

00:20:48.380 | in our lives and that sort of thing

00:20:49.540 | is that we need to expand our identity

00:20:52.060 | so that we see ourselves as like, this is no big deal.

00:20:54.580 | This is normal for me.

00:20:55.900 | Otherwise it's always a, oh my God,

00:20:58.100 | am I gonna pull this off?

00:20:59.340 | I don't know.

00:21:00.340 | That whole, I don't know.

00:21:02.300 | That's a reflection that you don't see

00:21:04.340 | as a part of your normal identity yet.

00:21:06.700 | We want to expand our identity.

00:21:08.340 | The habits have to be expanding our identity to include that.

00:21:11.060 | One thing we can do is to do the thing, right?

00:21:13.100 | Start getting exposure to it.

00:21:14.540 | That sounds so simple, but if we're not great at it yet

00:21:17.340 | or it causes stress for us, we slow the process down.

00:21:20.780 | We're like, I'll get to that next month.

00:21:22.220 | I'll do it once in a while.

00:21:23.900 | The biggest change is gonna go on offense,

00:21:26.140 | I like to call it.

00:21:26.980 | Let's say you do okay at work meetings,

00:21:28.660 | but you want to own the room.

00:21:29.860 | You want to be a powerful force of leadership,

00:21:32.220 | speaking up and authority.

00:21:33.700 | So then you say, okay, I'm gonna have a commitment.

00:21:35.180 | Every single meeting, I'm gonna intentionally speak up

00:21:37.780 | and I'm gonna intentionally steer at once.

00:21:39.300 | I'm gonna intentionally ask a question.

00:21:40.740 | You start to build that.

00:21:41.940 | That's the action side.

00:21:43.100 | Now the habit that really strengthens that,

00:21:45.180 | it serves multiple purposes.

00:21:46.380 | It neutralizes the critic and it builds your optimal coach.

00:21:49.020 | And this one is right after the meeting is done,

00:21:51.100 | force yourself, don't just do it in your head,

00:21:52.940 | force yourself to do it on a note file on your phone

00:21:55.460 | or on a sheet of paper if you want to do it old school,

00:21:57.420 | where you write down three wins

00:21:59.500 | from the meeting right afterwards.

00:22:00.940 | What are three things that you did that went well?

00:22:02.540 | This is gonna really encode it into your identity.

00:22:05.100 | They say, well, I spoke up there, I did this.

00:22:06.940 | And it doesn't matter what you write down.

00:22:08.860 | It matters that you're training your brain to say,

00:22:11.260 | hey, when I go into these situations, I'm competent.

00:22:13.620 | Remember you were talking about Vanessa Van Edwards,

00:22:15.660 | competence and warmth, right?

00:22:16.780 | You say, I know I'm competent.

00:22:18.360 | Not all of you knows that all of the time.

00:22:20.460 | What this is doing is linking your brain.

00:22:21.940 | I'll do this with clients where I'll say,

00:22:23.020 | okay, write down three things like that a day.

00:22:25.060 | There was a man I worked with

00:22:25.900 | who is already very successful.

00:22:27.340 | He ran multiple companies,

00:22:28.420 | but he basically felt like

00:22:29.420 | he wasn't never successful enough.

00:22:31.020 | We started to do this because in his mind,

00:22:33.580 | at the end of the day,

00:22:34.420 | he cataloged all the things he didn't do well enough,

00:22:37.140 | even though he was successfully running three companies.

00:22:39.940 | With this practice, he started to simply write down

00:22:42.460 | three things at the end of each day that he did well.

00:22:44.660 | And within three weeks, a big shift happened.

00:22:46.780 | He's like, I was talking with my wife

00:22:48.260 | and in an offhand manner,

00:22:49.780 | I referred to myself as successful.

00:22:51.760 | And for him, this guy who runs three companies,

00:22:54.020 | multi-millionaire, for him,

00:22:55.260 | the moment that he knew he was a success

00:22:56.820 | was when he casually told his wife something

00:22:58.700 | implying he was successful.

00:23:00.100 | That's the power of upgrading your identity.

00:23:02.020 | - And is that making a point to speak up in a meeting

00:23:05.300 | or take charge?

00:23:06.460 | Is that the bold side of the two habits you wanted to build

00:23:10.060 | or is that something different?

00:23:11.340 | - Yes, that would be an example.

00:23:12.820 | For a number of people, that might be a challenge.

00:23:15.460 | Whatever the bold action, how do you know what it is?

00:23:17.720 | It's whatever makes you uncomfortable or scares you a lot.

00:23:20.760 | Generally, if it freaks you out,

00:23:22.900 | you probably have to work up to it.

00:23:24.300 | Think of it as weight training.

00:23:25.820 | You're not gonna just bench press 300 pounds

00:23:27.980 | if you can't bench press 150.

00:23:30.620 | Practice and repetition of the smaller amounts,

00:23:33.420 | that would be an example of bold action.

00:23:35.300 | - We went to a birthday party

00:23:36.220 | for a three-year-old this weekend

00:23:37.420 | and one of the parents said,

00:23:38.380 | "Oh, have you traveled with your kids?"

00:23:40.180 | And I was like, "Yeah, we went to London and Paris."

00:23:42.140 | And they're like, "Whoa, we could never do that."

00:23:44.900 | I was like, "Okay, then why don't you go for a weekend?"

00:23:46.860 | I was just trying to tell them,

00:23:47.940 | they're not gonna ever feel like

00:23:49.140 | they could travel with their kids as much as they want

00:23:50.940 | until they just do it.

00:23:51.940 | So I assume that is a little bit of what you have to do.

00:23:54.660 | You don't have to take an international trip right away,

00:23:57.320 | but maybe you just go somewhere for a night,

00:23:59.460 | go somewhere for a weekend.

00:24:00.540 | - Most people, in their mind,

00:24:02.060 | it's the hundred pound weight or nothing.

00:24:03.540 | Ah, we're gonna go international.

00:24:04.580 | We'll do it when they're teenagers.

00:24:05.940 | But what about the overnight?

00:24:07.060 | Ah, that's not enough.

00:24:08.260 | Ah, I don't know.

00:24:09.100 | And we all do this with the small stuff.

00:24:10.700 | Ah, I don't know.

00:24:11.540 | But really, that's the only way to get that confidence.

00:24:14.540 | - And when it comes to the inner critic,

00:24:15.700 | can you talk to me about what the difference is

00:24:17.820 | between planning for the worst

00:24:19.980 | and feeling like the worst is gonna happen?

00:24:21.860 | I think sometimes my wife and I have these debates

00:24:24.260 | where I'm like, "Everything's gonna be great."

00:24:26.020 | And she's like, "What if this happens?

00:24:27.400 | What if this happens?"

00:24:28.520 | And I don't actually think she's necessarily saying

00:24:30.920 | it's going to happen.

00:24:32.360 | She's just like, "We should be prepared

00:24:34.360 | because if something does go wrong,

00:24:36.120 | we wanna make sure that we have a contingency, a plan,

00:24:38.640 | enough diapers, enough extra snacks."

00:24:40.600 | And I'm like, "Well, if the kids are hungry,

00:24:42.160 | we'll go find a store and buy some stuff and it'll be okay."

00:24:44.740 | I think we both realize that we balance each other out well

00:24:47.400 | 'cause I'm like, "Nothing's gonna go wrong.

00:24:48.920 | Everything's gonna be perfect."

00:24:50.000 | I wouldn't say she says, "Everything's gonna go wrong."

00:24:52.280 | She just wants to make sure we're prepared if it does.

00:24:54.520 | - Not making this about my wife per se,

00:24:56.380 | but is that a self-critic or is that a preparedness

00:24:59.380 | or is there a blurry line between the two?

00:25:01.500 | - That's a great question.

00:25:02.860 | Also, similar dynamics between me and my wife.

00:25:05.740 | I don't know if that's roles or personality styles

00:25:09.460 | or male/female energy, but it's definitely like,

00:25:13.040 | "What do we need?

00:25:13.900 | Whatever, let's just grab, let's go."

00:25:15.900 | We've definitely been on hikes with my boys

00:25:19.180 | where we ran out of water and stuff.

00:25:20.740 | And I'm like, "Well, we survived."

00:25:21.980 | I think you're highlighting a great point here.

00:25:23.900 | It all comes back to risk and our willingness to take risk.

00:25:27.660 | Each person has a different level of risk tolerance.

00:25:30.620 | If someone's risk tolerance is a little lower,

00:25:32.580 | it doesn't mean it's bad.

00:25:33.740 | It might mean they're prepared, right?

00:25:35.540 | I'm not gonna take the risk of bringing nothing.

00:25:37.300 | Let's bring these three things

00:25:38.740 | so that we have some supplies.

00:25:40.340 | There's a downside to that.

00:25:41.380 | You gotta think of the things,

00:25:42.220 | you gotta carry them around, right?

00:25:43.620 | We all find our balance there.

00:25:45.260 | In day-to-day life, as you're describing,

00:25:47.260 | probably not too significant of an impact.

00:25:49.220 | I'd say the problem can come in

00:25:51.380 | when people start becoming less willing

00:25:54.460 | or even unwilling to tolerate risk.

00:25:57.120 | That would be your wife saying,

00:25:58.960 | "I can't go until I have three backpacks,

00:26:02.580 | diapers, foods, disaster supplies."

00:26:05.340 | You know, it starts to become really extreme.

00:26:07.100 | You might say, "Well, that's over the top."

00:26:08.600 | But people do that in their lives.

00:26:10.020 | I'm not gonna start my business

00:26:11.540 | until I have this lined up and I've achieved that.

00:26:14.740 | And I have X amount of money in the bank

00:26:16.460 | and this and that, and the kids are older,

00:26:17.980 | and now the business has never started.

00:26:19.660 | I'm not gonna have children until I got A, and B,

00:26:22.260 | and C, and D all lined up.

00:26:23.740 | And then they don't have children, right?

00:26:24.780 | People will avoid significant positive risks in their lives

00:26:28.700 | because they are unwilling to tolerate.

00:26:31.540 | And that's the key thing.

00:26:32.820 | To lean into the risk,

00:26:34.100 | we have to be able to tolerate uncertainty.

00:26:37.460 | The I don't know what's gonna happen.

00:26:39.460 | And the boogeyman that stops us from doing that

00:26:42.320 | is the mind says, "We don't know."

00:26:43.860 | Could be awesome, could be fun, could be spontaneous.

00:26:46.700 | It could be death.

00:26:48.460 | It could be the terrible thing, right?

00:26:50.380 | And because of the human prediction machine

00:26:52.820 | that is our brain,

00:26:53.660 | it can, within a quarter of a second,

00:26:56.020 | imagine, see, and even feel like the death of your child

00:26:59.860 | or a financial ruin, which is pretty intense.

00:27:02.620 | You're sitting there eating your cereal

00:27:03.780 | and all of a sudden you go, "Ah, financial ruin," right?

00:27:05.820 | That's a significant emotional impact.

00:27:07.980 | What do you do with that?

00:27:09.060 | People that have anxiety or catastrophizing,

00:27:11.900 | we can really live in that place

00:27:13.980 | and start to imagine that's gonna happen.

00:27:16.700 | The key there is to take a step back.

00:27:19.640 | I would say, start with your nervous system.

00:27:22.060 | Are you ramped up?

00:27:24.180 | Are you breathing really rapidly?

00:27:25.780 | Are you shoveling junk food in your face?

00:27:27.700 | Take a moment, as simple as it might sound,

00:27:30.520 | take three breaths, slowly breathe in,

00:27:32.700 | and count to where you're breathing out

00:27:34.660 | longer than you're breathing in.

00:27:36.180 | And ask yourself, what kind of risk am I afraid of?

00:27:38.780 | What's the line here?

00:27:39.820 | Usually we can see there's a certain line that makes sense.

00:27:42.980 | At some point, we have to be willing to go into the what if

00:27:45.700 | and say, "You know what?

00:27:46.540 | The odds are very, very low that would happen,

00:27:48.780 | but if that would happen, let's face that."

00:27:51.260 | And I'm not saying you're really gonna have a kid die

00:27:52.940 | or something, but I mean like in that moment,

00:27:54.640 | you emotionally face it

00:27:56.260 | 'cause the fear feeds on avoidance and flight.

00:27:59.900 | If you turn to face it, face the fear for just a moment,

00:28:02.780 | what you'll notice is that it gets really intense,

00:28:05.900 | but if you just let it rip through you

00:28:07.980 | without needing to do anything,

00:28:09.420 | the moment will pass, the storm will pass,

00:28:11.300 | and you're okay to take the step forward.

00:28:12.960 | The problem most people make is they're like,

00:28:14.580 | "But what if it leads to that?"

00:28:16.180 | And then they just stop.

00:28:17.340 | It's like getting to the edge of the cliff

00:28:19.020 | and not even looking down.

00:28:20.340 | What you need to do is become really mindful of the edge.

00:28:22.260 | And if you look at every catastrophic thought,

00:28:24.580 | it's all about loss, pain, and survival stuff.

00:28:28.080 | Underneath, we all know that this is impermanent.

00:28:31.380 | None of this stuff, we don't have control.

00:28:33.540 | We don't really know what's gonna happen.

00:28:35.160 | The people that we love, it's extraordinary

00:28:37.420 | and our hearts are bonded,

00:28:38.340 | but something could happen to anyone.

00:28:39.660 | Our lifestyles, everything is in flux and change.

00:28:42.380 | It might be steady for decades and then it might change.

00:28:44.460 | We know that.

00:28:45.300 | We're facing our catastrophic thoughts.

00:28:47.260 | We're facing impermanence.

00:28:48.580 | The problem is not that things are gonna change

00:28:50.220 | or that something "bad" could happen.

00:28:51.980 | The problem is that you are fighting it,

00:28:54.340 | racing against it, and unwilling.

00:28:56.420 | You're saying, "No, I do not sign that contract with life.

00:28:59.900 | "I will not accept that something unpleasant

00:29:02.160 | "could happen to me."

00:29:03.060 | And you clench everything inside.

00:29:04.500 | You get anxious and it doesn't do anything.

00:29:06.740 | It's not like the universe is like,

00:29:07.900 | "He's really tight in his bowels.

00:29:09.400 | "Let's give him what he wants."

00:29:11.080 | The only thing to do, the only sanity,

00:29:13.580 | is to practice having a practice of surrender

00:29:16.460 | and letting go and saying, "Look, if that happens,

00:29:19.060 | (exhales)

00:29:21.860 | "I will face that then."

00:29:23.180 | It's not a verbal thing.

00:29:24.260 | It's in your body.

00:29:25.260 | It's a physiologically softening and letting go.

00:29:28.820 | - An interesting takeaway for me is

00:29:30.180 | confidence doesn't have to be optimism.

00:29:32.060 | It sounds like confidence can be acceptance

00:29:34.900 | that it might not be the optimal.

00:29:36.460 | I think in my mind, it was always,

00:29:37.980 | "I think this is gonna go well

00:29:39.560 | "so I can be confident going into it."

00:29:40.940 | But you can also be confident going into it

00:29:42.260 | and say, "It might not go well.

00:29:43.420 | "I'm just confident that whatever happens,

00:29:45.020 | "I can deal with."

00:29:45.860 | - The underpinning of confidence.

00:29:47.140 | The other one's not bad.

00:29:48.440 | The other one, you could think of it as optimism

00:29:49.860 | or positive anticipation.

00:29:51.380 | And that will tilt the scales in your favor.

00:29:53.780 | If you go into a social interaction being like,

00:29:55.880 | "People are gonna like me.

00:29:56.720 | "This is gonna be great.

00:29:57.540 | "We're gonna have fun."

00:29:58.380 | You tilt it in your favor versus going in and be like,

00:29:59.680 | "This is gonna suck.

00:30:00.520 | "I don't even like people already."

00:30:01.900 | Right, of course, that's gonna tilt it the other way.

00:30:03.660 | Now you can go and be like, "Oh, this is gonna be fun."

00:30:05.260 | Let's say you're meeting a friend of a friend

00:30:06.940 | at this party and, "Oh, we're gonna connect.

00:30:08.380 | "I've been wanting to meet this person for so long."

00:30:10.140 | You can get there and the person's standoffish.

00:30:12.100 | You don't have control.

00:30:12.980 | So we have to say, "Look, it's probably gonna go well.

00:30:15.180 | "I am capable.

00:30:16.280 | "I can talk to anybody."

00:30:17.540 | That's the identity piece

00:30:18.980 | that sets you up for positive anticipation.

00:30:21.280 | But then you remove the background fear.

00:30:23.180 | "But what if it doesn't?"

00:30:24.500 | "Well, I'll be okay."

00:30:25.800 | And that is the sentence that I think captures

00:30:28.080 | the most unconditional confidence is,

00:30:29.980 | "Either way, I'll be okay."

00:30:32.180 | - So quick recap.

00:30:33.100 | There's these two big habits.

00:30:34.580 | One of them is you wanna be on your own side

00:30:37.540 | and you just gotta stand up to the self-critic.

00:30:40.080 | And the other is that you need to put yourself out there

00:30:43.440 | and take some bold actions.

00:30:44.480 | Any other kind of bold discomfort practice

00:30:47.540 | that people can do, exercises?

00:30:49.340 | - Yeah, my favorite one is a visceral.

00:30:52.020 | It's not with the mind at all and it's a cold plunge.

00:30:54.180 | If you don't have a cold plunge, you can do a cold shower.

00:30:55.820 | Maybe that's come up on your show.

00:30:56.820 | I don't know if it's a big hack,

00:30:58.240 | but from a psychological perspective,

00:31:00.340 | there's physiological benefits too.

00:31:01.720 | But facing every morning before I go into the cold plunge,

00:31:04.960 | there is a voice in my head that says, "I don't want to."

00:31:08.880 | Like every morning, it doesn't matter how long I've done it.

00:31:10.880 | So I get to practice.

00:31:12.320 | I'm going to override this because it's for my benefit.

00:31:15.160 | I'll even sometimes say to myself, "I don't want to."

00:31:17.320 | And I'm like, "I do want to."

00:31:19.020 | Because when I face what's uncomfortable,

00:31:21.660 | my life is better for it.

00:31:22.720 | And of course, the cool thing about the cold plunge

00:31:24.920 | is that you get an immediate payoff.

00:31:26.760 | It's not even when you get out.

00:31:27.820 | For me, the first four seconds of getting in

00:31:30.220 | is submerging my head and then when I'm sitting in it,

00:31:33.420 | it's uncomfortable but intense and fun and weird.

00:31:36.020 | I think I'm in an altered state almost.

00:31:37.620 | The hard part was getting in.

00:31:38.980 | Hard part's getting in.

00:31:39.820 | And that's a great metaphor

00:31:40.760 | 'cause that's the same thing for whatever it might be.

00:31:43.420 | The hardest part of the risk is jumping.

00:31:45.580 | It's walking towards those people you don't know

00:31:47.380 | and want to create a business connection with, right?

00:31:49.060 | It's calling the person up.

00:31:50.220 | It's starting the thing.

00:31:51.560 | It's initiating.

00:31:52.820 | 'Cause then once you're in it, you're in the moment, right?

00:31:54.980 | You're talking to the person.

00:31:56.260 | Now it's off to the races.

00:31:57.520 | So I think that's a really powerful practice

00:31:59.980 | is the cold plunge.

00:32:01.460 | On the physical side, I like to do those as well

00:32:03.160 | 'cause I think they transmit a message

00:32:04.820 | that's not just us talking to ourselves.

00:32:07.460 | Another physical thing for anyone

00:32:08.760 | could be some sort of athletic pursuit

00:32:10.680 | where you have a practice of doing something consistently

00:32:13.980 | that's uncomfortable even though you don't want to sometimes

00:32:16.560 | whatever it is for you.

00:32:17.880 | But I think that and the cold plunge

00:32:19.180 | are really foundational things

00:32:21.520 | that you might not think be related

00:32:22.560 | to your confidence at all,

00:32:24.160 | but they're very much related to the psychology

00:32:26.360 | of being able to go into discomfort

00:32:28.480 | because going into discomfort equals freedom.

00:32:30.520 | Oh man, talk about rejection practice and other things.

00:32:32.780 | Those are on the social side.

00:32:34.220 | Those are truly liberating as well.

00:32:35.860 | - Just talk a little bit about that exercise.

00:32:38.160 | - Okay, this is for fear of rejection.

00:32:40.960 | A lot of people might say,

00:32:41.780 | "I don't have a fear of rejection."

00:32:42.880 | Okay, try these exercises and see if that's true or not.

00:32:46.280 | Here's a great one.

00:32:47.320 | Basically, you walk up to someone and ask a question

00:32:49.620 | that you are 100% certain you're gonna get a no for.

00:32:52.220 | One of the simplest ones for that is can I have $100?

00:32:54.620 | Or whatever the currency of your choice is,

00:32:56.380 | that's equivalent to a large amount of money.

00:32:58.380 | Do it in a friendly, warm way.

00:33:00.220 | That's where it makes it fun.

00:33:01.160 | It's like you're asking them, "What time is it?"

00:33:03.100 | Or, "Do you know a restaurant?"

00:33:04.260 | But you're saying, "Hey, can I have $100?"

00:33:06.900 | And it confuses people 'cause you're not begging.

00:33:09.220 | You're not like, "Yeah, poor me."

00:33:10.500 | You're just like, "Hey, I have $100."

00:33:11.900 | You get all kinds of fun reactions,

00:33:14.180 | but you'd be surprised.

00:33:15.780 | Your heart might be pounding before you go do it.

00:33:18.540 | Why is your heart pounding?

00:33:19.820 | 'Cause you're in fight or flight.

00:33:21.020 | Why?

00:33:21.940 | Because it could be the rejection.

00:33:23.900 | It could also be that you're breaking social norm.

00:33:27.540 | You're disturbing.

00:33:28.700 | This is a whole topic we can dive into,

00:33:30.540 | what I would call the cultural field.

00:33:32.020 | There's an invisible field, just like gravity is invisible.

00:33:35.340 | The cultural field is affecting you right now.

00:33:38.340 | Even in this interview, it's affecting us.

00:33:39.900 | How I talk, how I use my face.

00:33:42.120 | You know, why I'm not, for those who are watching,

00:33:44.300 | why am I not going like this?

00:33:45.300 | Like, "Me!"

00:33:46.140 | I just did it.

00:33:48.020 | But it's cultural.

00:33:49.660 | If you were to do that in a work meeting,

00:33:51.280 | people would be like, "Does he have a condition?

00:33:53.700 | "Is this okay?"

00:33:54.700 | It's unusual.

00:33:56.300 | But social freedom, which is part of confidence,

00:33:59.460 | as long as you're not hurting somebody or being aggressive,

00:34:02.020 | but just to be free to wear what you want,

00:34:04.140 | say what you want, laugh out loud,

00:34:06.020 | ask whatever you want of anybody,

00:34:08.100 | that requires this kind of bold action of getting rejected.

00:34:10.580 | Asking for $100 is a great one.

00:34:12.220 | And I have some fun stories of at my events,

00:34:13.980 | people will go out and ask for all kinds of things.

00:34:16.580 | Shockingly, they actually end up getting yeses

00:34:18.780 | more than you'd think,

00:34:20.060 | for stuff that would almost certainly seem to be a no.

00:34:22.780 | - You gotta give a couple examples there.

00:34:24.300 | - Okay, this one, you can see.

00:34:26.020 | Someone walks up to someone at a restaurant,

00:34:27.620 | they have chips and guacamole,

00:34:28.820 | "Can I have one of your chips

00:34:29.660 | "and dip it in your guacamole?"

00:34:30.860 | They say, "Okay."

00:34:32.340 | Yeah, you might say, "That's not crazy."

00:34:33.740 | Here's another one that I was really surprised by.

00:34:35.580 | A man walks up to a woman

00:34:36.780 | who's outside at a Mexican restaurant,

00:34:38.660 | and she's eating a burrito.

00:34:39.820 | And he says, "Excuse me."

00:34:41.180 | She says, "What?"

00:34:42.020 | "No preamble, excuse me."

00:34:43.880 | "Yes?"

00:34:44.860 | "Can I have a bite of your burrito?"

00:34:46.380 | And she's like, "Okay,"

00:34:48.220 | and gives him a bite of her burrito.

00:34:50.060 | Another one, someone says,

00:34:51.080 | "Hey, can I take your bicycle?"

00:34:52.780 | The guy's on a bike.

00:34:53.840 | "Can I take your bike for a spin around the block?"

00:34:56.460 | Guy says, "Yes."

00:34:57.440 | This is my favorite one.

00:34:58.780 | A woman goes up to someone who's got a dog,

00:35:00.740 | and she says, "Hey, can I take your dog for a walk?"

00:35:04.260 | "No preamble."

00:35:05.620 | And the woman's like, "Okay."

00:35:07.780 | And then this person who's participating at the event,

00:35:09.900 | their goal is to rack up rejection.

00:35:11.240 | She doesn't wanna sit there and walk someone's dog,

00:35:12.860 | so she's like, "Actually, I don't want to."

00:35:15.740 | She walks away.

00:35:16.940 | The person's like, "What?"

00:35:19.340 | So, there you go, social freedom.

00:35:21.120 | - Let's talk for a second about social freedom.

00:35:22.640 | Until I was reading up on your work,

00:35:24.460 | it's not even something I'd heard of.

00:35:25.820 | What does it mean,

00:35:26.660 | and what can it do for your life by having more of it?

00:35:28.940 | - As far as I know,

00:35:29.780 | I haven't heard that term anywhere else.

00:35:30.900 | I just came up with it 'cause I was thinking,

00:35:32.260 | what's the opposite of social anxiety, right?

00:35:34.820 | I was like, "It's social confidence,"

00:35:36.340 | but actually, it's like social freedom.

00:35:38.020 | The idea is you're free to be 100% you

00:35:42.460 | and do what you want in the world

00:35:44.220 | and not be restricted by the cultural field.

00:35:47.580 | Obviously, you have constraints.

00:35:49.260 | There's laws.

00:35:50.140 | There's things that don't feel good

00:35:51.180 | to your own personal ethics.

00:35:52.580 | But most people are in a cage that's much tighter than that.

00:35:56.660 | It's not the laws.

00:35:57.780 | It's my mom told me I was bothering people when I was young,

00:36:00.620 | so I don't wanna bother people.

00:36:01.700 | Oh, I learned when I was in junior high

00:36:03.440 | that if I look too interested, then I'm desperate.

00:36:06.220 | Okay, I'm gonna look cool, right?

00:36:07.500 | We have hundreds of little conclusions

00:36:10.780 | and if-then statements of how we should be

00:36:13.260 | in order to be good, lovable,

00:36:17.380 | worthwhile, attractive, all these things.

00:36:19.860 | We're operating in this cage

00:36:21.940 | that ultimately, though, it's not really you.

00:36:24.020 | The kicker is you're actually more attractive,

00:36:27.140 | more lovable when you step outside of that cage

00:36:30.100 | and you let your natural, enthusiastic,

00:36:32.660 | funny, quirky, weird self,

00:36:34.100 | all the things that you were connected to

00:36:35.820 | when you were 10 years old, you bring them back in.

00:36:38.620 | And that's something that we actually

00:36:39.460 | have to consciously do.

00:36:40.620 | I've seen people who are powerhouses in business.

00:36:43.260 | They're so confident and they seem like

00:36:45.500 | they have no issues with this

00:36:46.340 | and to go walk down a street

00:36:48.180 | and say hi to 15 or 20 strangers,

00:36:50.960 | it makes them nervous because,

00:36:52.340 | oh, I'm confident in this role as a business person,

00:36:55.700 | but the social freedom of I get to be

00:36:57.500 | whoever I want around people scares them.

00:36:59.900 | That's just another place that we wanna practice

00:37:01.660 | those two things, right?

00:37:03.180 | Changing the way you talk to yourself,

00:37:04.320 | being on your own side and doing the bold things

00:37:06.820 | that make you uncomfortable

00:37:08.220 | so you can free yourself socially.

00:37:09.920 | - I feel like I might be late to the game with this,

00:37:13.260 | but I'll share it anyways.

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00:40:10.920 | (air whooshing)

00:40:11.760 | I just wanna thank you, Quik,

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00:40:29.400 | Social freedom, we've got confidence.

00:40:31.280 | Are there other byproducts or ways to use these two habits

00:40:34.560 | to increase our happiness,

00:40:36.560 | our satisfaction in life, or anything?

00:40:38.660 | I don't know if you can officially claim this one

00:40:40.640 | on internet marketing,

00:40:41.480 | but I have an internal phrase that I say,

00:40:42.980 | which is double your confidence, double your income.

00:40:45.080 | I truly believe, and I've seen this in people,

00:40:47.480 | that as you grow in your confidence,

00:40:49.320 | if you're willing to take bold action,

00:40:51.740 | which it's not just saying hi to a stranger

00:40:54.280 | or getting a date or something,

00:40:55.440 | a bold action is to ask for something,

00:40:58.240 | to ask directly, to ask unapologetically.

00:41:01.320 | There are hundreds of examples of if you're willing to ask,

00:41:04.040 | life can give you what you want.

00:41:05.840 | I've seen people who ask for promotions,

00:41:08.100 | who renegotiate salaries,

00:41:09.440 | who've been at companies for years and have never done that.

00:41:12.440 | And they're waiting for the employer to be like,

00:41:14.200 | "Oh, here you go."

00:41:15.520 | And maybe that happens,

00:41:17.000 | but often you gotta kinda advocate for it.

00:41:19.240 | All of a sudden, they do it and they're expecting,

00:41:21.720 | "How dare you, you ingrateful, horrible person,

00:41:24.920 | "you're fired," or whatever.

00:41:26.160 | The negotiator's like, sometimes like,

00:41:27.720 | "Yes, okay, here you go."

00:41:29.680 | Other times it's, "Not now."

00:41:32.140 | And then I coach them instead of being like,

00:41:33.600 | "Okay, fine, sorry."

00:41:35.080 | They're like, "Okay, can you tell me more

00:41:36.760 | "about when that might be, or what I do

00:41:39.300 | "that might warrant that kind of promotion or pay increase?"

00:41:42.380 | Being in that direct contact with their employer,

00:41:45.460 | with coworkers.

00:41:46.500 | Running a business is all about asking people

00:41:50.340 | to promote you, to work with you,

00:41:52.140 | to buy your products or services.

00:41:54.140 | And I can't tell you how many people

00:41:55.780 | are not as successful in their own businesses

00:41:57.620 | because they're afraid to boldly ask people

00:42:00.180 | to buy their stuff through the form of marketing.

00:42:03.380 | For me, it would be like,

00:42:04.220 | "I'm gonna put a lot of free teachings out there."

00:42:05.900 | And then maybe if you wanna buy something,

00:42:07.800 | you'll just do it, I guess.

00:42:08.960 | And I learned I had to actually be able to say,

00:42:10.520 | "Hey, if you're enjoying this

00:42:11.700 | "and you're benefiting from this,

00:42:12.940 | "go check out this program.

00:42:14.440 | "Here's why you want it."

00:42:16.080 | Being able to ask boldly.

00:42:17.400 | So if you do those things,

00:42:18.840 | plus you keep expanding your identity

00:42:20.680 | to see yourself as successful and capable,

00:42:23.080 | I've seen people change jobs, start businesses,

00:42:25.360 | grow businesses, and definitely increase their income

00:42:28.520 | from just these two habits as well.

00:42:31.200 | - I got an email the other day that said,

00:42:33.180 | "Hi, I work for this company

00:42:34.600 | "and we have a client who wants to understand more

00:42:37.160 | "about the automated investment advisory space.

00:42:39.960 | "Would you be up to do a one-hour call?"

00:42:41.560 | I do a two-minute call with this guy.

00:42:43.080 | He's like, "Yeah, right now the rate is $300 an hour."

00:42:45.840 | I was thinking $1,000 an hour.

00:42:47.520 | It's one hour, it's not a long-term commitment.

00:42:49.400 | It felt like an opportunity to just see what happens.

00:42:51.400 | And he's like, "I think we could do that."

00:42:53.000 | And I was like, (laughs)

00:42:55.120 | that was more than three X for just a response.

00:42:58.360 | - Double your confidence, triple your income.

00:42:59.720 | Doesn't have the same alliterative flow,

00:43:01.440 | but you know, look at that, double your income or more.

00:43:03.820 | And that's the crazy thing, right?

00:43:05.620 | You are bold enough to ask,

00:43:07.380 | and you could have gotten a no or a negotiation or whatever,

00:43:09.760 | but so many people, myself included,

00:43:12.540 | we just won't ask, why?

00:43:15.620 | Because it's uncomfortable and it's unconscious.

00:43:17.740 | Oh, I don't know, I don't know.

00:43:19.260 | But that moment right there is no different

00:43:21.100 | than getting into the cold plunge, right?

00:43:22.460 | That's exciting.

00:43:23.300 | And then once that happens though, what kind of cascade?

00:43:25.820 | - That's my new rate, by the way.

00:43:27.340 | - Exactly, right?

00:43:28.980 | It sets up a cascade where you're like,

00:43:31.800 | hey, this is what I do.

00:43:32.840 | People pay me $1,000 per hour, which is true.

00:43:35.640 | Now, you could even say that, right?

00:43:37.280 | And this person's like, "Well, how much do you charge?"

00:43:38.840 | We were thinking 300.

00:43:40.080 | Well, people typically pay me 1,000,

00:43:42.040 | so that's what I'd be willing to do.

00:43:43.120 | If you want to do some sort of longer term thing,

00:43:44.820 | we might be able to negotiate something different,

00:43:46.560 | but for a one-off, it's 1,000.

00:43:47.920 | That's your identity has expanded.

00:43:49.500 | That's just normal for you now.

00:43:50.880 | - I think that one was hard for me,

00:43:52.120 | and it took some practice over some time.

00:43:54.120 | So we've talked a bunch about the inner critic and the fear.

00:43:56.560 | One of the places I face that the most

00:43:59.380 | is when I'm trying to make some decision,

00:44:02.220 | usually in an area I'm actually more confident in,

00:44:05.360 | so it's saving money or it's booking travel.

00:44:07.860 | I have this fear that I could be making

00:44:10.020 | a more optimal decision.

00:44:11.580 | It could be as silly as I'm buying groceries online

00:44:14.540 | and I'm trying to make sure that I get the best deal

00:44:16.420 | of the basket of goods, or I'm trying to pick a hotel

00:44:19.500 | and I want to get the best hotel.

00:44:21.100 | This critic is telling me,

00:44:22.420 | "Maybe if you just do a little bit more research,

00:44:24.260 | you'll come to this optimal answer."

00:44:26.360 | Can I use these habits in that situation,

00:44:28.540 | or is there something about that fear

00:44:30.660 | that I need to recognize that I won't make the best choice?

00:44:33.660 | - Well, I think that would be

00:44:34.500 | the interesting question to look at.

00:44:35.780 | Maybe that's true.

00:44:37.380 | Maybe you could find a hotel that is cheaper

00:44:40.600 | or has better bang for your buck

00:44:43.020 | based upon whatever things you're looking for.

00:44:44.880 | Let's just say that that's true.

00:44:46.520 | There's a part of you that's like, "No!"

00:44:48.720 | I guess we want to investigate that.

00:44:51.460 | Why is that so unacceptable?

00:44:53.580 | That's the part that we would want to go into.

00:44:55.860 | My sense is if we don't get the best thing,

00:44:58.700 | something bad is happening.

00:45:00.400 | Is that what it is for you?

00:45:01.780 | - Maybe it's I could have gotten a better deal/experience,

00:45:05.960 | but I think I've heard you even say something

00:45:08.540 | along the lines of even the optimal outcome

00:45:11.700 | still has some negative possibility.

00:45:14.840 | There is no optimal outcome, I guess, is the real answer.

00:45:17.480 | - Well, you're choosing a circumstance,

00:45:20.240 | and every circumstance in our life,

00:45:22.120 | every hotel, every trip, every date,

00:45:24.860 | every day of your life is going to have a mixture

00:45:29.420 | of good and bad, pleasure, discomfort, pain.

00:45:32.200 | There is 100% no day that's avoidable of that.

00:45:34.820 | And if you have the greatest day of your life,

00:45:36.500 | it's all orchestrated and all the activities are fun,

00:45:38.860 | you'll have challenge with your emotional state.

00:45:40.780 | You'll be like bummed out or anxious

00:45:42.340 | for whatever reason, you don't know why.

00:45:43.820 | So we cannot control it all.

00:45:45.380 | I think that's helpful 'cause the allure

00:45:47.180 | of the maximizing pattern is if I could just nail

00:45:50.860 | the right combo of external factors out there,

00:45:53.700 | I'm gonna get the perfect day, the perfect trip,

00:45:56.380 | the perfect experience.

00:45:57.420 | That unconsciously is thinking perfect means

00:46:00.940 | all pleasure, no pain, all good times,

00:46:03.140 | no frustrating moments.

00:46:04.500 | And when you say, you know what?

00:46:05.960 | This amazing hotel is gonna have

00:46:07.460 | some great things about it.

00:46:08.460 | There's gonna be something at this hotel that I don't like,

00:46:11.460 | even if it's the best price, best deal, best everything.

00:46:14.140 | And this one also over here is gonna have

00:46:16.740 | some great things and some things that I don't like.

00:46:18.580 | So I would put a cap on it.

00:46:19.980 | I'm gonna do 10 minutes of research

00:46:21.540 | to make sure I'm not going to some total dump.

00:46:23.860 | But then look, these things,

00:46:25.620 | they're basically gonna give me the same.

00:46:27.300 | Every path is gonna be a mixture.

00:46:29.060 | When you see that, when you really get that,

00:46:31.200 | all of a sudden the back and forth

00:46:32.660 | doesn't have the same urgency because ultimately,

00:46:35.540 | it's all gonna be a basket of pleasure and pain.

00:46:37.740 | You might say, but if I pick the right one,

00:46:39.140 | it'll have a higher percentage of pleasure over pain.

00:46:42.560 | Yes, maybe, but you generally don't have the data

00:46:46.900 | to know that.

00:46:47.740 | - I almost think it's trying to avoid the pain

00:46:49.740 | of making the wrong choice

00:46:51.420 | than have the joy of making the right choice.

00:46:54.460 | - Interesting.

00:46:55.460 | And how do you know it's the wrong choice?

00:46:57.540 | - That's probably why it takes so long to make a decision

00:46:59.340 | 'cause there's no criteria to know that.

00:47:01.340 | - I think the wrong choice would be

00:47:02.660 | you're in that future moment

00:47:04.180 | and something happens that's unpleasant.

00:47:06.380 | And you say, ah, you see, I made the wrong choice.

00:47:08.540 | It's this fantasy world where if I chose the other one,

00:47:11.780 | I would have nothing unpleasant happen.

00:47:13.780 | But then no matter where you go,

00:47:15.380 | you have unpleasant stuff happen.

00:47:17.540 | And then it's like, I need to decide harder next time.

00:47:21.020 | And so, when you really embrace that mixture of stuff,

00:47:23.780 | it's so relaxing, it's so relieving

00:47:26.060 | 'cause we're trying to avoid these inevitables of life.

00:47:29.060 | All it takes, I think, is just to observe that pattern

00:47:31.260 | from start to finish.

00:47:32.140 | I'm maximizing on the hotel thing.

00:47:33.660 | Let me just pick one.

00:47:34.540 | This is where bold action comes in.

00:47:35.940 | For the maximizing habit,

00:47:37.260 | the bold action is to set a cap

00:47:39.820 | and decide within the reasonable amount of time.

00:47:41.940 | A trip or something like that, pretty quick.

00:47:43.940 | It could be deciding on where we wanna go

00:47:45.980 | from just one conversation.

00:47:47.500 | One feeling.

00:47:48.340 | And then picking the accommodations,

00:47:49.700 | maybe you set aside an hour and just bang 'em all out.

00:47:52.260 | Here's the funny thing.

00:47:53.100 | Let's say you get someplace that really sucks.

00:47:54.700 | I was down in San Diego.

00:47:55.940 | My wife was getting some medical thing done down there.

00:47:58.100 | And we were there for, we was like,

00:47:59.500 | oh, we'll spend a week down there at the same time.

00:48:01.300 | We get this Airbnb.

00:48:02.540 | I pick the Airbnb.

00:48:03.660 | I do no maximizing, which is a problem.

00:48:07.380 | So we go there and they had it listed as a beach view.

00:48:10.540 | There was no beach view, so that was a misrepresentation.

00:48:13.260 | But we get there and the place is just real tiny

00:48:16.060 | and cramped and dirty and some things

00:48:17.860 | that I could not have predicted.

00:48:18.980 | It got real, real fast.

00:48:20.100 | My first time on Airbnb experience

00:48:21.460 | where we messaged the person who was hosting

00:48:23.620 | and she got real aggressive and crazy

00:48:25.980 | and just started saying these threatening things.

00:48:27.580 | I had to get Airbnb support involved.

00:48:29.420 | And there's this illusion that Airbnb is this company

00:48:31.860 | that's gonna take care of you.

00:48:32.980 | It's just like some support dude in India

00:48:34.660 | who's like, let's see what I can do.

00:48:36.340 | Anyway, we ended up having to leave dramatically.

00:48:38.220 | We had to get out within 15 minutes to not be charged.

00:48:40.940 | So we're hustling out of there.

00:48:41.860 | She's sending these threatening texts and then we leave.

00:48:44.620 | And you might say, wow, what a terrible experience.

00:48:47.460 | It ended up that we found another place

00:48:49.820 | that the guy was amazing.

00:48:51.660 | The spot was way better and it was cheaper.

00:48:54.140 | And so I think that's a really helpful thing

00:48:55.700 | to remember as well.

00:48:56.860 | What if this happens?

00:48:58.180 | Well, what if that does happen?

00:48:59.540 | And then it leads to something extraordinary

00:49:01.740 | and you wouldn't get the extraordinary

00:49:03.340 | if that challenge didn't happen.

00:49:04.780 | - It's funny 'cause my example of this

00:49:06.380 | is the exact same example, which is when we went to London,

00:49:09.780 | we had this horrible Airbnb and the host,

00:49:12.340 | we had problems and we surfaced the problems

00:49:14.540 | and they told us we have to leave.

00:49:16.020 | We got Airbnb support, literally the exact same thing.

00:49:18.900 | Where it deviated was Airbnb support was incredibly helpful

00:49:22.380 | and booked us a place that costs twice as much,

00:49:24.900 | but didn't charge us any extra.

00:49:26.860 | - Ooh.

00:49:27.700 | - We ended up staying at this ridiculously amazing place

00:49:31.140 | that I still think about because they had this kid's room.

00:49:35.020 | There was a Harry Potter themed room with a train bed

00:49:37.620 | and a little tree reading nook.

00:49:39.980 | They turned the radiator into a castle and it was crazy.

00:49:42.780 | - Wow. - But it was really awesome.

00:49:43.980 | - And that experience wouldn't have happened

00:49:46.460 | had we not picked the crappy Airbnb.

00:49:49.940 | - What if you really internalize that?

00:49:51.940 | It's like talking to yourself.

00:49:52.860 | Hey, the unexpected, the problems

00:49:56.300 | can actually lead to extraordinary.

00:49:58.940 | Now we're talking about something that

00:50:00.780 | if we were to go way back to the beginning

00:50:01.940 | of this conversation, how do you define confidence?

00:50:04.540 | So I've been doing this for like 20 years now.

00:50:06.020 | I started my own self-confidence at age 20, I'm 40 now.

00:50:08.560 | There's confidence for yourself.

00:50:09.960 | I can handle whatever happens,

00:50:11.220 | but I discovered that there's a cap on that.

00:50:13.100 | How joyful and awesome our lives can be,

00:50:16.100 | there's a ceiling on self-confidence.

00:50:17.980 | And to go higher into really thriving in life,

00:50:20.740 | I think we need to have confidence

00:50:22.020 | in something beyond ourselves.

00:50:23.920 | Whatever you wanna put in that box, I don't care.

00:50:26.420 | But that's the kind of belief that's tapped into that.

00:50:29.260 | Even out of the challenging experience,

00:50:30.940 | something extraordinary is gonna come.

00:50:32.680 | And that's a beautiful example of that.

00:50:34.060 | And you have that memory for the rest of your life, right?

00:50:35.780 | It's a little reminder so that the next time

00:50:38.460 | you're sitting down to book something

00:50:39.420 | and you're like, "Ugh," just like, "Whoa, I'm maximizing.

00:50:42.040 | "I'm gonna give myself three minutes, pick a thing,

00:50:44.580 | "and who knows, it's gonna lead to extraordinary."

00:50:46.780 | - I love it.

00:50:47.620 | I've been thinking,

00:50:48.440 | ever since we stopped talking about social freedom,

00:50:50.060 | there's something that's been resonating in my mind.

00:50:52.460 | All of these kind of social obligations

00:50:54.660 | that my wife and I always look at each other like,

00:50:56.220 | "Gosh, I don't wanna do that thing."

00:50:57.260 | And she's like, "Yeah, I don't wanna do that thing,

00:50:58.680 | "but because this friend invited us this thing

00:51:01.560 | "or this family member said we have to go,

00:51:03.560 | "we have to do it and we don't wanna do it."

00:51:06.420 | Does that play in there?

00:51:07.580 | Is social freedom truly being able to tell your friend

00:51:09.980 | or your family, "Hey, we don't actually wanna hang out

00:51:11.920 | "with you."

00:51:12.760 | - I know you've written a book called "Not Nice."

00:51:13.980 | - Yes.

00:51:14.820 | - How does this all come together in situations like this

00:51:17.420 | to be able to actually do the things we want with our lives

00:51:20.300 | and be happy, but not make everyone around us

00:51:23.340 | think we're assholes?

00:51:25.140 | - Definitely tell 'em just like that.

00:51:26.620 | I just don't wanna hang out with you, period, full stop.

00:51:29.420 | No, I think there is really tuning in and asking yourself,

00:51:34.080 | what do I, or in the case, maybe you and your wife,

00:51:35.680 | what do we really want?

00:51:36.620 | Or maybe it's what do I want, what do you want?

00:51:37.980 | Let's really get clear on that.

00:51:39.460 | And a lot of people don't even let themselves

00:51:41.040 | discover that, because that's bad to not wanna go

00:51:43.380 | to your uncle's friends reunions thing, right?

00:51:45.660 | How bad of me, what a bad nephew and son I am.

00:51:48.020 | But just in the safety of your own brain

00:51:50.740 | and maybe with your partner, it's like,

00:51:51.900 | "Hey, what do I really want?

00:51:53.760 | "I don't wanna go to that thing."

00:51:54.820 | And just give space to that.

00:51:55.980 | That sounds so simple, but most people don't.

00:51:57.500 | And they're just an override, override.

00:51:59.260 | Sometimes just airing it and hearing that part of you

00:52:01.820 | feels good.

00:52:02.740 | Then you actually have a choice there.

00:52:04.520 | It's like the cold plunge.

00:52:06.260 | "I don't wanna go to the cold plunge,

00:52:08.100 | "but I do because here's why."

00:52:10.380 | And just tune in, is that true in this situation?

00:52:13.380 | So Christmas time, we go visit my wife's side of the family.

00:52:16.620 | I love her side of the family.

00:52:17.980 | When it's travel and this and that,

00:52:19.860 | and driving there and packing everything up

00:52:21.860 | and then staying in their place.

00:52:23.260 | Some part of me is like, "Nah, that's a lot of work.

00:52:25.080 | "I don't wanna, just go without me.

00:52:26.500 | "I'll just stay home, that's fine."

00:52:28.020 | But then I tune in.

00:52:28.940 | Yes, there's a part of me, it's like, "It's easier,

00:52:30.620 | "but what do I really want?

00:52:32.320 | "Oh, I really want to be apart and connected

00:52:35.300 | "with my wife, with family.

00:52:37.280 | "I'm gonna endure some of the discomforts

00:52:39.760 | "because I ultimately value and prioritizing

00:52:42.700 | "or optimizing for connection and deep relationships.

00:52:46.200 | "That doesn't mean I go to everything,

00:52:47.660 | "every function, every person's thing.

00:52:49.380 | "We have to have that choice of what are the relationships

00:52:52.740 | "that I want to really nourish and invest in?"

00:52:55.040 | And it does involve saying no

00:52:57.280 | to a good percentage of things.

00:53:00.200 | And doing so in a warm and loving way.

00:53:04.340 | "Thank you for letting me know.

00:53:06.140 | "I'm not gonna be able to make it to that."

00:53:07.880 | You don't have to give a ton of reasons.

00:53:08.720 | "I've got to take the kids to the dentist."

00:53:10.280 | No, I'm not available.

00:53:11.120 | I'm not gonna be able to make that.

00:53:12.100 | Thank you so much for thinking of me.

00:53:13.220 | I believe you have a great time.

00:53:14.060 | But do know there's a social currency

00:53:17.480 | that if you have a friend who's always inviting you

00:53:19.540 | to things and you always say, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no."

00:53:21.780 | Then when you invite them, they might not be a yes.

00:53:24.340 | There's a certain investment.

00:53:27.260 | But the question is,

00:53:28.100 | where do you want to put that investment?

00:53:29.480 | Some friends you want to invest a lot with.

00:53:31.600 | Some you're like, "Oh, I'll see him once in a while."

00:53:34.540 | And some, honestly, if it's mainly obligation,

00:53:38.680 | "It's time to let it go."

00:53:40.160 | - I think sometimes I've already let it go.

00:53:42.460 | There's people that just keep asking,

00:53:44.260 | "What's the polite way to say,

00:53:46.320 | "I don't want to go to this

00:53:47.240 | "and feel free to not invite me ever again."

00:53:49.760 | I haven't figured out the nice way to do that.

00:53:51.280 | - Well, I think just a simple,

00:53:52.320 | "Thanks for the invite, I'm not available."

00:53:54.100 | If you do that, I mean, first of all,

00:53:55.680 | some point it'll extinguish, I'd imagine.

00:53:58.040 | Continually, no.

00:53:59.880 | At some point, they'll be like, "He's not available."

00:54:01.640 | The next level, that would be kind of like

00:54:03.000 | just being more direct.

00:54:04.200 | I always tell people life is a choose-your-own-adventure.

00:54:06.320 | You might say, "I can't be that guy.

00:54:07.420 | "That's an asshole thing to do."

00:54:08.860 | Maybe it's not.

00:54:09.700 | - I mean, just go back to what you said about being bold.

00:54:11.560 | There are times where I think it took me a while

00:54:13.920 | to get the courage to tell people

00:54:15.160 | that I don't have time in my life to do a thing.

00:54:17.360 | Especially with work obligations and responding emails.

00:54:19.820 | I was having a conversation,

00:54:21.160 | or maybe I was preparing for a conversation

00:54:22.800 | with Derek Sivers, who had said,

00:54:24.860 | "I like to tell people I don't have time."

00:54:26.640 | And when I got his email at one point where he was like,

00:54:28.300 | "I might not respond to this.

00:54:29.860 | "There's a lot of stuff going on in my life

00:54:31.100 | "and I'm really trying to focus on the things

00:54:32.520 | "that are the most important.

00:54:33.360 | "And right now, spending time with my kids

00:54:34.960 | "is most important."

00:54:35.800 | I was like, "I'm not mad that you told me

00:54:37.120 | "you can't reply to my email.

00:54:38.320 | "I'm actually jealous it had this effect."

00:54:40.340 | Maybe the answer to use the same set of habits here

00:54:44.000 | is you might think you're being an asshole by saying that,

00:54:46.020 | but maybe you're not.

00:54:47.220 | Maybe it won't actually be interpreted in that way.

00:54:50.020 | - Right, here's the thing.

00:54:51.300 | Yes, it sounds like he communicated

00:54:52.800 | with some vulnerability or transparency.

00:54:55.140 | It wasn't just like, "Fuck off.

00:54:55.980 | "I don't have time for you," right?

00:54:57.220 | It was like, "Hey, this is what's going on for me."

00:54:59.060 | That's a great way to do it.

00:55:00.020 | It's sort of the technique or the communication style.

00:55:02.720 | But here's the thing.

00:55:03.560 | I think this is the biggest part of social freedom.

00:55:05.800 | Are you an asshole or not?

00:55:07.520 | It's in the eye of the beholder.

00:55:08.860 | If you're bad in your mind, that's the biggest problem.

00:55:11.760 | If you're not allowed, it goes against your,

00:55:13.800 | I call this your personal bill of rights.

00:55:15.480 | You might not have a right to say,

00:55:16.960 | "No, I'm not available for that."

00:55:18.760 | You might not have a right to not respond to all the emails.

00:55:21.640 | As long as you don't have that right

00:55:23.440 | 'cause you haven't claimed it,

00:55:24.980 | you're gonna feel guilty, you're gonna feel stressed,

00:55:26.880 | you may even feel irritated at them.

00:55:28.080 | "How dare you ask me?"

00:55:29.240 | In my personal bill of rights,

00:55:30.160 | I have a right to not respond to all emails.

00:55:33.280 | Because in this day and age,

00:55:34.300 | if you feel pressure to reply to all your emails,

00:55:36.440 | good God, the more emails you reply to,

00:55:38.360 | the more emails they are.

00:55:39.600 | It's like they multiply.

00:55:40.840 | I'll reply to some of the emails of my clients.

00:55:44.000 | I'll try to get back to a lot of them,

00:55:45.080 | but not everybody, not all the time.

00:55:46.640 | Someone out there sometimes might think he's an asshole

00:55:50.360 | 'cause he didn't do X for me.

00:55:52.400 | And you know what?

00:55:53.840 | That's okay.

00:55:54.800 | If we're operating in life

00:55:56.680 | where no one must ever think that of me,

00:55:59.360 | then you're gonna be in a pretzel position

00:56:01.280 | faster than you can imagine.

00:56:02.600 | It's unsustainable.

00:56:03.840 | It's not you.

00:56:04.660 | So really finding that permission

00:56:06.320 | to not do the things that you truly don't wanna do.

00:56:09.720 | And that's certainly bold action, by the way.

00:56:11.580 | - Let's go back to this bill of rights

00:56:12.640 | because when I talked to Ramit Sethi about money,

00:56:15.920 | he has Ramit's money rules.

00:56:17.480 | They just really simplify his decision-making about things

00:56:20.280 | 'cause he just took the uncertainty out of it.

00:56:22.400 | He says, "If someone is raising money for charity,

00:56:25.480 | "I always give money.

00:56:26.700 | "If I fly for more than five hours or whatever the number is,

00:56:29.640 | "I always fly business class."

00:56:30.880 | And it just makes it super simple

00:56:32.320 | 'cause he's thought about the decision abstractly

00:56:35.240 | from actually having to make it.

00:56:37.000 | Like I always buy books.

00:56:38.640 | If I wanna learn something

00:56:39.720 | and a book might have the answer, I always buy it.

00:56:41.720 | I never stress out if it's $10 or $12 or 20,

00:56:43.880 | I just always buy it.

00:56:44.880 | Talk about this bill of rights

00:56:45.840 | 'cause it seems like something that I

00:56:47.720 | and maybe everyone listening would benefit from having.

00:56:50.000 | - Yes, we all have one.

00:56:51.760 | It might be a very short list of rights

00:56:54.240 | or it might be a long list of rights.

00:56:56.000 | The more socially not free you are,

00:56:58.200 | the more you're in the cage,

00:56:59.620 | the shorter your bill of rights.

00:57:01.240 | A bill of rights is just a statement of permissions.

00:57:04.400 | I'm allowed to, I have a right to.

00:57:06.680 | And you'll know what's in your bill of rights

00:57:08.800 | based on how you feel and what you do.

00:57:11.080 | Do I have a right to say no to that person

00:57:13.080 | requesting I come to their thing?

00:57:14.880 | Did you say yes when you didn't wanna go?

00:57:17.480 | Then you might not have a right

00:57:18.320 | that says I get to say no to people's requests,

00:57:21.320 | to people's invitations.

00:57:22.480 | Or you might say, I have a right to repeatedly say no

00:57:26.440 | to someone's requests.

00:57:27.800 | That's a different thing.

00:57:28.900 | Here's some core ones that I encourage people to adopt

00:57:31.600 | and make sure they have on their bill of rights.

00:57:33.280 | I have a right to ask for what I want.

00:57:35.680 | I have a right to say no.

00:57:38.040 | I have a right to approach anyone,

00:57:41.160 | whether that's virtually or in person.

00:57:43.840 | Doesn't mean they wanna talk to you.

00:57:45.500 | If you stop yourself before you even allow

00:57:48.600 | the opening or the approach,

00:57:51.340 | you're gonna limit your life significantly.

00:57:53.240 | And people have all kinds of stories.

00:57:54.360 | I'm gonna bother them.

00:57:55.200 | Maybe they'll be bothered, maybe they won't.

00:57:56.480 | Let's find out.

00:57:57.320 | You know, in the case of the person

00:57:58.680 | wanting to hire you for your services,

00:57:59.880 | I have a right to ask for whatever fee I want

00:58:02.640 | for my services, whatever feels right.

00:58:04.080 | Actually, it's an exercise.

00:58:05.080 | It's very much worth doing.

00:58:06.320 | And I do it with clients.

00:58:07.440 | Like have them sit down and like, well, write it out.

00:58:09.920 | It doesn't have to be perfect.

00:58:11.160 | What would feel empowering to you?

00:58:13.440 | As you write it, you're nodding your head,

00:58:15.040 | like, yeah, all right.

00:58:17.000 | Just come up with a list of five, 10,

00:58:19.340 | like a nation that has a bill of rights for its people.

00:58:22.240 | This is your bill of rights for you.

00:58:24.000 | Those must first be written

00:58:25.760 | and then they have to be practiced.

00:58:27.280 | Otherwise, they're just flowery language on paper

00:58:30.280 | if you're not actually doing them.

00:58:31.200 | - Are there a few more examples you can give

00:58:32.640 | to inspire people as they're hopefully thinking

00:58:34.920 | about what would be on theirs?

00:58:36.160 | - Yeah, I mean, I think one thing to break it down

00:58:37.720 | is just think of the different areas of your life.

00:58:39.320 | Think about in your relationship, your romantic relationship.

00:58:42.800 | I have a right to tell my partner

00:58:46.640 | when something's bothering me.

00:58:47.800 | That might sound real simple, but a lot of people shy away.

00:58:50.960 | I don't wanna upset them.

00:58:51.920 | I don't wanna bother them.

00:58:53.080 | This one I had to add to my bill of rights.

00:58:54.600 | It's a doozy.

00:58:55.840 | I have a right to disappoint people.

00:58:57.940 | Particularly, I have a right to disappoint my partner.

00:59:00.000 | I would be running around in my whole life

00:59:01.960 | trying not to disappoint anybody.

00:59:03.440 | I don't wanna have anyone be let down.

00:59:05.560 | Look, it's great to be connected with your spouse

00:59:08.080 | and not constantly not give a crap

00:59:10.760 | and disappoint them all over the place, sure.

00:59:12.560 | But no matter how loving you're trying to be,

00:59:16.060 | how generous you're trying to be,

00:59:18.000 | if you're being authentic and true to what you really want,

00:59:20.960 | sometimes you're gonna disappoint 'em.

00:59:23.000 | They want you to go to that thing and you don't wanna go.

00:59:24.720 | They wanna have time to connect with you,

00:59:26.760 | but you are unavailable for whatever reason.

00:59:29.120 | Being able to say no

00:59:32.640 | and then withstand that discomfort

00:59:36.060 | of someone is disappointed in me.

00:59:37.720 | The reason I created that bill of right for myself

00:59:39.280 | is 'cause I lived with this kind of

00:59:40.320 | chronic background anxiety that someone somewhere

00:59:43.160 | was gonna be disappointed with me.

00:59:44.320 | And so yeah, sometimes people are disappointed with me

00:59:46.500 | and I have a right to do that.

00:59:47.420 | And really resting on that, that's what it feels like.

00:59:49.580 | It feels like you can rest on your bill of rights

00:59:51.780 | and like all is well.

00:59:52.820 | Like I'm allowed to do that.

00:59:54.060 | And it's almost like teaching a child,

00:59:55.720 | like hey, you're allowed to do this,

00:59:57.020 | but we kinda have to do that for our own selves now.

00:59:58.860 | So you can look at that relationship life,

01:00:00.500 | look at inside of your career and your work,

01:00:02.180 | you know, unique to your thing.

01:00:03.260 | I have a right to ask a question in a meeting.

01:00:06.920 | I have a right to disagree with somebody.

01:00:08.740 | That's a big one.

01:00:09.680 | You can think about it socially too, right?

01:00:11.340 | Like this is a great one.

01:00:12.840 | I have a right to change the subject of a conversation.

01:00:15.600 | Nice people can get trapped on the rails.

01:00:18.700 | Oh, we're talking about their thing.

01:00:20.060 | I don't wanna talk.

01:00:20.900 | How do I get out of this?

01:00:21.940 | And they pause for a minute.

01:00:23.500 | And because you don't have a right to change the subject,

01:00:25.740 | instead of changing the subject,

01:00:26.820 | and then the conversation keeps going and you're trapped,

01:00:29.340 | right?

01:00:30.180 | I lived in that one for a long time.

01:00:31.000 | So I have a right to change the subject.

01:00:32.020 | Ooh, here's a good one.

01:00:32.980 | I have a right to interrupt people.

01:00:34.260 | 'Cause sometimes you're talking to someone

01:00:35.500 | and they're going on and on and on.

01:00:37.220 | And you say, hey, I wanna ask you something.

01:00:39.600 | That's a great technique for interrupting by the way,

01:00:41.460 | as if it just came to you.

01:00:42.900 | Hey, right in the middle of their sentence.

01:00:45.260 | Blah, blah, blah.

01:00:46.100 | Hey, I just thought of something.

01:00:47.420 | I wanted to ask you something.

01:00:48.660 | And then boom, you can steer it a new direction.

01:00:50.900 | - Wow, so many things.

01:00:52.380 | Last thing, you talked about relationships.

01:00:54.980 | You have kids, I have younger kids.

01:00:57.940 | I feel like what I've taken away from this

01:01:00.380 | is that there's virtually no reason

01:01:02.580 | that confidence wouldn't be a skill to improve for anyone.

01:01:05.600 | How as parents should we think about this

01:01:08.140 | and helping our kids have confidence?

01:01:09.680 | - The biggest transmission to children, bar none,

01:01:12.380 | is modeling.

01:01:13.460 | They're going to observe you all the time.

01:01:17.020 | They're gonna replicate your style of speaking,

01:01:20.780 | your belief systems, your attitudes toward the world.

01:01:24.140 | Later on, they'll rebel and they'll create their own views.

01:01:27.240 | But as young, they're gonna really model you.

01:01:29.300 | Show them is much bigger than telling them.

01:01:31.940 | You might say, I just go out there and do it.

01:01:33.380 | What are you afraid of?

01:01:34.540 | There's no monsters in your room.

01:01:35.880 | But are you boldly approaching the things in your life?

01:01:39.540 | You might say, well, they don't see me at work.

01:01:41.140 | Doesn't matter, they pick up on you

01:01:42.660 | and your essence in the world.

01:01:43.900 | So practice these things yourself.

01:01:46.060 | I love to look for little opportunities

01:01:48.160 | to teach them through games and practice.

01:01:50.380 | So we live out in the country and down our road,

01:01:52.980 | there's this big plot of land that was clear cut.

01:01:55.160 | And there's a trail that goes through.

01:01:56.420 | It ends at this creek and then the trail continues,

01:01:59.460 | but you have to jaunt onto someone's property briefly.

01:02:02.300 | Every time I go down there, I'm like,

01:02:03.440 | I wonder where that trail goes.

01:02:04.940 | But going on people's land randomly out here,

01:02:07.360 | I don't know if that's one of the social freedoms

01:02:09.940 | I want to break.

01:02:10.780 | So I'm there with my son, he's seven.

01:02:12.540 | And I'm like, let's go to the guy's house

01:02:14.360 | and ask him if we can just walk on the edge of his property

01:02:17.020 | and keep going on the trail.

01:02:18.260 | And my seven-year-old's like, no, I don't wanna, I'm scared.

01:02:22.340 | Here's what I do, and this is intentional.

01:02:24.120 | We're walking side by side on our way

01:02:25.740 | to where we would ask the guy and I hold his hand.

01:02:28.180 | So I'm transmitting a message of safety.

01:02:30.340 | We're okay, we're together.

01:02:32.360 | And that's what we would do with the part inside of us

01:02:34.420 | before the action that's like, ah, I'm freaking out.

01:02:36.780 | You like, you don't tell yourself like,

01:02:38.300 | stop being a coward, you suck.

01:02:40.200 | No, we're treating yourself like someone you love,

01:02:43.100 | almost, on my own side.

01:02:44.740 | And so I grab his hand and I'm like, oh, are you afraid?

01:02:48.740 | And he's like, yeah.

01:02:49.920 | And then this really struck me.

01:02:51.080 | He's like, wait, isn't this what you do for work, dad?

01:02:54.020 | Help people that are afraid.

01:02:55.740 | And I was like, as a matter of fact, it is what I do.

01:02:57.960 | Here's what we do.

01:02:58.800 | How about we ask them?

01:02:59.940 | And the worst that he could say is no.

01:03:01.500 | So I'm just modeling for him to bold action.

01:03:03.700 | Then I let him change the level of weight.

01:03:06.060 | He starts getting more scared.

01:03:07.220 | He's like, I don't want to ask.

01:03:08.300 | I was like, well, how about I go to the front door

01:03:10.380 | and you just stay back and you can watch me,

01:03:13.240 | but you don't have to be there.

01:03:14.800 | And he's like, okay.

01:03:15.640 | I titrated it for him as opposed to like forcing him.

01:03:17.920 | 'Cause if you try to force them

01:03:18.940 | to do what they're scared of,

01:03:20.200 | that doesn't build the confidence

01:03:22.340 | 'cause they're not taking the efficacy.

01:03:23.940 | So I let him hang back, but modeling, watch me.

01:03:27.260 | So I knock on this guy's door, this old man opens the door.

01:03:29.660 | It's already going bad when he opens the door.

01:03:32.060 | He's like, can I help you?

01:03:35.140 | And I was like, just on the edge of your trail.

01:03:36.900 | Can we own the land?

01:03:37.740 | And he's like, no, that's our land back there too.

01:03:40.800 | We like to keep it private.

01:03:42.580 | And then I said, okay,

01:03:44.420 | but even if we just go right along the edge,

01:03:46.700 | would that be okay?

01:03:47.820 | And he's like, no, we want to keep it private.

01:03:49.380 | I was like, all right, that's fine.

01:03:50.260 | And then, so we walk away.

01:03:51.340 | We're walking back and my seven-year-old was like,

01:03:53.540 | why did you ask him again?

01:03:55.280 | And I said, you always want to ask twice,

01:03:57.720 | just in case you miss something.

01:04:00.020 | Maybe you could offer a new idea.

01:04:02.240 | And he said, he's like, but he said no twice.

01:04:04.220 | And I was like, yeah, well, that's what happens.

01:04:06.340 | If you get a no, you can always ask one more time

01:04:08.560 | 'cause maybe they'll change their mind.

01:04:09.740 | So that's a little bit of like teaching and modeling.

01:04:11.860 | I'm playing a long game on this.

01:04:13.060 | This doesn't mean tomorrow he goes and applies all this.

01:04:16.260 | He's shy, both of them are,

01:04:17.540 | especially him as a little new people.

01:04:19.620 | And I don't push him, like you got to do it.

01:04:21.640 | It's more just like creating this spacious,

01:04:24.260 | really long game modeling and knowing that over time,

01:04:28.820 | he'll find his confidence and highlighting his strength.

01:04:32.340 | One last thing I'll say,

01:04:33.220 | which yours are kind of young, so they might not,

01:04:35.320 | this language might not mean a lot to them,

01:04:36.820 | but my kids age seven and nine,

01:04:38.540 | telling them that you're proud of them,

01:04:40.900 | not only when they like score the goal and get the A,

01:04:43.620 | but just like we're sitting there eating breakfast

01:04:45.820 | and I just put my arm around one of them and was like,

01:04:47.100 | hey, I love you, I'm proud of you.

01:04:49.300 | I don't have to explain why.

01:04:50.340 | And you just see them, they're just like their top button,

01:04:52.180 | like, you know, they feel 10 feet tall.

01:04:56.300 | Why am I doing that?

01:04:57.260 | Because we just have this negative toxic critic

01:05:01.020 | in most of us where maybe it's not tearing you down

01:05:03.540 | to the bottom of confidence,

01:05:05.180 | but it's doing a little bit of who do you think you are?

01:05:07.700 | You haven't done enough yet.

01:05:08.880 | And just letting them know that they can feel proud

01:05:11.220 | of themselves without even achieving,

01:05:13.340 | you know, going to the moon or not,

01:05:15.340 | can really build this core sense of I'm on my own side

01:05:18.580 | and I'm worthy.

01:05:19.420 | - I love it.

01:05:20.260 | One-year-old's not really learning a lot of these lessons.

01:05:22.820 | But at three, she was trying to climb this ladder

01:05:25.420 | at this birthday party.

01:05:26.700 | I have a different approach

01:05:27.620 | to how I might've taken that now

01:05:29.180 | than trying to tell her she could do it.

01:05:30.680 | I knew she could do it, but she didn't.

01:05:32.820 | And I have some new ideas that I'll take there.

01:05:35.260 | - Well, one thing is like,

01:05:36.100 | you want me to hold your hand while you do it?

01:05:38.300 | Is there any way that I could be an aid

01:05:40.640 | in getting you to do it yourself?

01:05:42.300 | - That's what we do on the slide.

01:05:43.340 | When there were some steep slides,

01:05:44.640 | she was like, "I don't want to do it."

01:05:45.480 | I was like, "Do you want to hold hands?"

01:05:46.300 | "No."

01:05:47.140 | "Do you want me to come up and go with you?"

01:05:47.980 | - Did you find one that clicked?

01:05:49.200 | - Yes.

01:05:50.040 | And now she's like, "I don't want your hand."

01:05:51.100 | - Aha, there you go.

01:05:52.620 | Make sure that if you encourage them to do the thing though

01:05:54.900 | and they don't, that you yell shame at them

01:05:57.460 | until they're crying.

01:05:58.420 | I'm just kidding.

01:05:59.260 | One last thing I'll say, for your kids age one and three

01:06:01.200 | and anyone you're listening,

01:06:02.040 | even at this age, seven and nine that I have,

01:06:03.760 | but one and three, man,

01:06:05.360 | I just say, give yourself a lot of credit.

01:06:07.320 | You're spending time with them.

01:06:08.800 | You're being on the playground with the slide.

01:06:12.120 | I remember when my kids were that year,

01:06:13.160 | part of me loved it.

01:06:14.320 | And part of me was like, "This day is going on forever."

01:06:18.300 | I'm so bored, you know?

01:06:20.440 | Giving space for that and knowing that at that age,

01:06:23.880 | the most powerful transmission you can do is I see you

01:06:28.000 | and you matter.

01:06:28.840 | You're not saying that a thousand times a day,

01:06:30.100 | but just your energy, your attention on them.

01:06:31.820 | And I know in this day and age

01:06:33.140 | where we're all overstimulated and stressed,

01:06:34.820 | just like slowing down, this doesn't mean 24/7,

01:06:36.980 | but just, you know, you're there

01:06:37.820 | a certain amount of hours every day.

01:06:39.060 | Hey, I see you, I'm with you.

01:06:40.380 | It sets this foundation also of I'm worthy of attention.

01:06:43.180 | That's really healthy too for confidence.

01:06:45.600 | - I didn't necessarily feel unconfident coming into this,

01:06:47.760 | but I still want to go and work on a lot of this

01:06:49.740 | and kind of level it up.

01:06:51.180 | So thank you so much.

01:06:52.620 | Where can people go get more from you

01:06:55.460 | if they're interested?

01:06:56.700 | - Go to my website, draziz.com.

01:06:58.640 | That's D-R-A-Z-I-Z.com.

01:07:01.120 | There's a free mini course

01:07:03.080 | about the five steps to build confidence.

01:07:05.680 | And again, you don't have to be in the gutter.

01:07:07.280 | As Chris is pointing out, right, this is about optimizing.

01:07:09.440 | So in there, you'll learn key strategies for free.

01:07:11.640 | I also have a podcast called Strength for the Shy Guy,

01:07:13.760 | YouTube channel.

01:07:14.920 | You can look me up there too,

01:07:15.960 | but just lots of free content to take it further.

01:07:19.000 | Anything else you want to learn about my events

01:07:20.640 | or other things are on the website as well.

01:07:22.280 | - Thank you so much.

01:07:23.200 | You also got books, lots of stuff.

01:07:25.360 | So thanks for being here.

01:07:26.480 | I really appreciate it.

01:07:27.320 | - Thanks, Chris.

01:07:28.620 | - Wow, I really enjoyed this episode.

01:07:30.660 | I hope you did too.

01:07:31.840 | In fact, it was so good, I'm quite confident

01:07:34.560 | that if you're still listening, you enjoyed it as well.

01:07:36.600 | So many good takeaways

01:07:37.720 | that I hope you can put to use in your life.

01:07:39.360 | I know I will.

01:07:40.600 | If you want to get in touch, podcast@allthehacks.com.

01:07:43.680 | And if you know anyone you think

01:07:44.960 | might like hearing this episode, please pass it along.

01:07:47.480 | There is no higher praise

01:07:49.040 | than sending a new listener our way.

01:07:51.240 | That's it for this week.

01:07:52.320 | See you next week.

01:07:53.340 | (upbeat music)

01:07:55.920 | (whooshing)

01:07:58.260 | (whooshing)

01:08:00.600 | (birds chirping)