Bert Kreischer: Comedy, Drinking, Rogan, Segura, Churchill & Kim Jong Un

00:00:00.000 | You know who drank?

00:00:01.120 | It's Churchill.

00:00:02.160 | - That's my, hold on, that's my guy.

00:00:03.680 | - Yeah.

00:00:04.520 | - You know that's my guy, right?

00:00:05.340 | - So he did champagne.

00:00:07.040 | - Well, you don't have to tell me a thing

00:00:08.960 | about Winston Churchill.

00:00:10.840 | He, I found out about his daily routine.

00:00:13.360 | - Yeah.

00:00:14.180 | - So his daily routine was a big breakfast, cigar,

00:00:16.600 | coffee, eggs sunny side up, toast, bacon, sausage,

00:00:20.680 | tomato, beans, fruit, orange juice, soft scotch,

00:00:25.680 | cigar in bed, and he'd sit there for three hours.

00:00:28.000 | And then he'd get in the bathtub and drink champagne.

00:00:30.400 | And then he'd go to lunch and have some goose

00:00:32.800 | with more champagne.

00:00:34.400 | And then he'd take a nap.

00:00:35.360 | And like, I love that.

00:00:36.400 | So every year on the day of his death,

00:00:37.960 | I think it's January 24th,

00:00:39.360 | I celebrate Winston Churchill's life

00:00:41.040 | by living the way he did.

00:00:42.600 | And so I have breakfast in bed with a soft scotch

00:00:45.240 | and I just party all day.

00:00:46.440 | That would be the guy to drink with.

00:00:48.240 | - The following is a conversation with Bird Crusher,

00:00:53.840 | a standup comedian, podcaster, actor,

00:00:56.640 | and a man they call The Machine.

00:00:59.960 | I've been a fan of his comedy and podcasts for many years.

00:01:03.200 | And I highly recommend you watch him on BirdCast,

00:01:06.360 | Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura,

00:01:09.000 | his cooking show called Something Is Burning,

00:01:11.000 | and finally, the new movie that tells the story of the man,

00:01:15.360 | the legend, The Machine.

00:01:17.300 | This is the Lex Friedman Podcast.

00:01:20.080 | To support it, please check out our sponsors

00:01:22.200 | in the description.

00:01:23.600 | And now, dear friends, here's Bird Crusher.

00:01:27.120 | I read somewhere that you like Ernest Hemingway.

00:01:30.480 | - Love him.

00:01:31.440 | - There's a quote, "There's nothing to writing.

00:01:34.480 | "All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

00:01:37.880 | Do you agree with that?

00:01:38.720 | - I agree, I agree.

00:01:40.440 | Well, I agree with that with journaling.

00:01:41.680 | 'Cause I can't write standup, like I can't write a bit,

00:01:46.680 | but if I journal, I'll find something that I go just write.

00:01:50.440 | Kind of writing where the pen's moving faster

00:01:52.640 | than your brain and they're kind of like doing it together.

00:01:55.800 | The thing I liked about Ernest Hemingway,

00:01:57.600 | this is so stupid, I'm a little dyslexic

00:02:01.160 | and so I'm not a good reader.

00:02:02.280 | And so he wrote very simply.

00:02:04.640 | And it wasn't until after I read a bunch

00:02:06.320 | of Ernest Hemingway, I was working at Barnes & Noble,

00:02:09.440 | and this person said, "Don't you love his titles?"

00:02:11.520 | And I was like, "Yeah, Sun Also Rises."

00:02:13.480 | And they're like, "Yeah, but, no, the Sun Also Rises."

00:02:16.240 | And I was like, "Yeah, Sun Also Rises."

00:02:19.120 | And they're like, "No, the Sun Also Rises."

00:02:21.720 | And I went, "Oh, oh yeah, that is fucking badass, yeah."

00:02:26.720 | And then I'm always late to the party with anything.

00:02:30.440 | And then that night we were all doing Coke

00:02:32.560 | and it was like five in the morning

00:02:34.800 | and we ended up on the roof of my apartment

00:02:36.680 | in Greenwich Village.

00:02:38.100 | And I'm a sunset guy, I grew up in Florida,

00:02:43.980 | but sunrises in New York are electric blue,

00:02:47.080 | like electric blue.

00:02:49.840 | And I was like, "The Sun Also Rises."

00:02:52.640 | (laughing)

00:02:54.680 | - Yeah, he was so good with just a handful of words.

00:02:58.960 | - Yeah. - The simplicity,

00:03:00.520 | the choice of words, like basically his process

00:03:03.440 | is carving down. - Write drunk, edit sober.

00:03:06.440 | - Write drunk, edit sober. - Yeah.

00:03:08.160 | But he was good at like a small amount of words

00:03:12.400 | to get a point across, I'm the exact fucking opposite.

00:03:16.400 | - Well, he's also said, "The first draft of anything

00:03:19.880 | "is always shit."

00:03:21.000 | Is that true for you? - I think so.

00:03:24.640 | (laughing)

00:03:25.840 | It's the best one I have.

00:03:27.640 | - It goes downhill from there.

00:03:28.960 | So for you, editing is destroying the original genius.

00:03:32.240 | - The first time I tell it, it's perfect.

00:03:36.440 | It's perfect, it works.

00:03:38.880 | And then I go, "Great," and then I take it

00:03:40.440 | and I try to fix it and make it better and jazzier.

00:03:43.160 | I just joke and razzle dazzle about my daughters

00:03:45.520 | and I drive them past a deaf child sign.

00:03:48.400 | And I just told it on stage, it just happened.

00:03:51.600 | And Louis was in the audience.

00:03:53.200 | He goes, "I love that joke."

00:03:56.040 | I said, "Really?"

00:03:57.240 | He goes, "Yeah, and I just told it and I went, 'Done.'"

00:03:58.880 | Louis CK says he likes the joke, it's fucking,

00:04:01.520 | it's in the special.

00:04:02.680 | And I tried to fucking razzle dazzle that joke

00:04:06.920 | into like a 15 minute bit.

00:04:08.720 | It got to the point where it was so bad

00:04:12.040 | that I told him, I did a podcast with him,

00:04:14.600 | I said, "What did you like about that joke?"

00:04:16.880 | 'Cause I can't get it to work anymore.

00:04:18.720 | He goes, "It was just simple.

00:04:19.840 | "It was simple that your daughter didn't know

00:04:21.800 | "how they'd figure out where deaf kids lived."

00:04:24.440 | I went, "That's it?"

00:04:25.880 | He's like, "Yeah, nothing about gun control?"

00:04:27.720 | And he was like, "Huh?"

00:04:28.720 | I was like, "Oh, fuck, man.

00:04:30.140 | "I really fucked that joke up."

00:04:31.280 | And then I had to go back to the beginning of it.

00:04:33.120 | But that first time, that's when the joke

00:04:35.920 | comes out purest for me and then it's always chasing back

00:04:38.120 | to get that first telling.

00:04:40.180 | Some jokes are different, like the machine,

00:04:41.440 | obviously there's a much longer story

00:04:42.680 | and escape room for this one.

00:04:45.480 | The longer stories take a little work,

00:04:47.080 | but the simple ones, like the deaf child in pajamas,

00:04:51.920 | and those first times are perfect.

00:04:54.400 | - What do you think is it about the machine story

00:04:57.160 | that works that was so captivating for people?

00:05:00.400 | - I think it's a, I think, I don't know.

00:05:07.360 | I really wish, I don't know.

00:05:08.960 | I think it's a good story.

00:05:11.040 | I think it's a good story.

00:05:11.880 | I think everyone has something similar

00:05:13.960 | that happened in their life where they had a crazy night

00:05:17.600 | and that no one believed and they told their friends

00:05:20.280 | and their friends, or they experienced that

00:05:22.480 | with a friend like that.

00:05:23.680 | And I think, I think that's gotta be it.

00:05:28.400 | I really don't know.

00:05:29.520 | I think there's a part of, I think there's a part

00:05:31.520 | of the, like our community of comedy fans

00:05:34.760 | that were that early death squad that was fun

00:05:36.960 | to watch someone take something from the podcast

00:05:40.440 | and turn it into a bit on stage.

00:05:42.840 | I think there was a lot of that,

00:05:43.840 | but I think people identify with a wild, crazy night

00:05:48.760 | that got out of control that they've probably had too.

00:05:51.960 | I think, I don't fucking know.

00:05:53.880 | - Do you think Putin knows who you are

00:05:56.520 | because of that story?

00:05:57.640 | - I hope so.

00:05:58.960 | I fucking hope so.

00:06:00.760 | I hope so.

00:06:01.800 | But there's a part of me that you gotta understand

00:06:04.160 | is like, I'm not, I say stuff like that,

00:06:08.000 | I'm sure there's someone hears that and they go,

00:06:09.400 | who is this fucking narcissist?

00:06:11.040 | You're like, no, that's not it.

00:06:11.960 | I'm just telling you the truth.

00:06:13.560 | Like I understand what I'm supposed to say.

00:06:15.840 | Well, you know, I don't know.

00:06:17.000 | I, you know, I don't know, that's hard to say,

00:06:19.480 | but I don't fucking give a shit about that guy.

00:06:21.440 | I'm not that guy.

00:06:22.440 | I'm telling you everything that comes out of my mouth.

00:06:24.520 | The second it comes out, I'm gonna be 100% honest,

00:06:27.120 | I don't know any other way to live.

00:06:28.600 | I kind of hope so.

00:06:30.200 | That would be fucking cool.

00:06:31.560 | And I look, I know he's a bad, I guess he's a bad dude.

00:06:33.400 | I don't follow politics, Don, but it'd be cool

00:06:35.400 | if like one day someone's like, he's on his computer

00:06:38.800 | and some guy goes, (speaking in foreign language)

00:06:39.880 | And he's like, (speaking in foreign language)

00:06:42.120 | And he's like, (speaking in foreign language)

00:06:45.320 | And he's like, and he shows it to him.

00:06:46.720 | And then he's like, fucking this guy, huh?

00:06:50.480 | - It's not out of the realm of possibility

00:06:52.640 | that Putin has watched it.

00:06:54.360 | I mean, this podcast has kind of made me realize

00:06:56.720 | how like small the world is.

00:06:58.400 | I've gotten to meet some incredibly like interesting people.

00:07:03.400 | - Like that's, I mean, that's the thing where I go,

00:07:07.960 | it's gotten really crazy.

00:07:10.160 | The internet's really insane and Netflix is really insane.

00:07:12.600 | And the reach of like people that like,

00:07:15.800 | this is really simple, but like,

00:07:17.920 | I'm a big fan of the show "Drink Champs."

00:07:19.640 | I didn't think in a million years

00:07:20.840 | Nori would ever know who I was.

00:07:23.120 | And then he offered me to come to his podcast.

00:07:24.800 | And then when I got there, he told me he was a fan of mine.

00:07:26.720 | And I went, like, I remember moving to New York,

00:07:29.860 | listening to you and Capone.

00:07:32.000 | Like I'm sitting there going, wow.

00:07:35.600 | Like, and then the phone calls I've gotten

00:07:37.920 | since the movie came out and since "Razzle Dazzle" came out

00:07:41.840 | have been really insane when you realize

00:07:44.440 | as much as I know about people,

00:07:47.880 | and I like, there's people I'm fans of

00:07:49.640 | that don't know who I am.

00:07:50.880 | That are like, they're like some pitcher in fucking Florida

00:07:55.720 | that I follow the kids.

00:07:56.640 | I like, it's fun to watch them pitch.

00:07:58.520 | There was a softball player in Tempe

00:08:01.440 | that she's do catching drills.

00:08:02.960 | And I was really into softball with my daughter

00:08:04.600 | and we watched her catching drills.

00:08:05.840 | There's a girl, Dee Glazer, who me and my daughters

00:08:08.280 | will watch her dance videos.

00:08:10.260 | And then I hit her up.

00:08:11.100 | She's like, you know who I am?

00:08:11.920 | And you're like, oh yeah, that's the way the world works.

00:08:14.080 | - What world leader would you drink with if you could?

00:08:16.400 | So you mentioned Putin.

00:08:17.560 | So Putin doesn't drink much.

00:08:20.600 | - Yeah.

00:08:21.440 | - Zelensky drinks more, but also not much.

00:08:23.240 | - Boris Yeltsin would have been a good one.

00:08:25.000 | He would have been a fucking good one.

00:08:26.800 | I mean, like I go, Hitler was a pussy.

00:08:30.160 | Like he drank wine with a spoonful of sugar in it.

00:08:34.800 | - You know who he drank?

00:08:35.720 | - What?

00:08:36.560 | - Churchill.

00:08:37.400 | - That's my, hold on, that's my guy.

00:08:38.440 | - Yeah.

00:08:39.260 | - You know that's my guy, right?

00:08:40.100 | - No, I don't know that's your guy.

00:08:42.240 | So he did champagne.

00:08:44.080 | - Well, do you want to tell me a thing

00:08:46.040 | about Winston Churchill?

00:08:47.920 | He, I found out about his daily routine.

00:08:50.400 | - Yeah.

00:08:51.240 | - So his daily routine was a big breakfast, cigar, coffee,

00:08:54.320 | eggs sunny side up, toast, bacon, sausage, tomato, beans,

00:09:00.320 | fruit, orange juice, soft scotch, cigar in bed.

00:09:04.120 | And he'd sit there for three hours

00:09:05.760 | and he'd hold morning breakfast.

00:09:08.360 | And that's, they'd come in and he'd run through his day.

00:09:10.840 | And then he'd get in the bathtub for fucking an hour

00:09:13.240 | and drink champagne.

00:09:14.480 | And then he'd go to lunch and have some goose

00:09:16.780 | or whatever the fuck they ate back then

00:09:18.280 | with more champagne.

00:09:19.920 | And then, and then, I mean, and then he'd take a nap.

00:09:23.320 | And like, I love that.

00:09:24.380 | So every year on the day of his death,

00:09:25.960 | I think it's January 24th,

00:09:27.320 | I celebrate Winston Churchill's life

00:09:29.040 | by living the way he did.

00:09:30.600 | And so I have breakfast in bed with a soft scotch

00:09:33.240 | and I just party all fucking day.

00:09:34.840 | That would be the guy to drink with.

00:09:36.860 | That would be the guy,

00:09:38.380 | if you could pick anyone to drink with.

00:09:40.120 | - He drank every day throughout the day.

00:09:42.360 | - And lived like 94.

00:09:44.040 | - And was one of the most heroic figures in human history.

00:09:48.960 | Never, never surrender.

00:09:50.500 | I mean.

00:09:52.320 | - What a fucking badass thing.

00:09:53.480 | You know, he taught, he taught the queen.

00:09:54.720 | The queen was like a window licking idiot, right?

00:09:58.000 | Like she was, she had a third grade education.

00:10:00.920 | So like her dad dies and she's like 10 or 12 or whatever.

00:10:05.480 | The first thing they do is they pull her out of school.

00:10:06.960 | They're like, you're done learning.

00:10:07.800 | You're just gonna be the queen.

00:10:09.080 | You gotta know, this is what you need to learn.

00:10:10.880 | Don't make, let people make eye contact with you.

00:10:13.300 | Put your hand out like this.

00:10:14.520 | Don't let people touch you.

00:10:15.700 | So she like, she had like a really, I saw the,

00:10:17.920 | by the way, I didn't do this research.

00:10:20.080 | I just watched the crown, okay?

00:10:22.000 | And Winston Churchill kind of taught her

00:10:23.760 | about world politics and was like,

00:10:25.880 | they like come in and she'd be like,

00:10:27.360 | Winston, what did we do in Africa?

00:10:29.760 | And he's like, this is gonna be a tough one.

00:10:32.120 | And so, yeah, so, but Winston Churchill's the badass.

00:10:35.220 | But if I had to drink with someone living, like drink,

00:10:37.640 | and there's like, there's a two obvious ones.

00:10:39.120 | Like, obviously it's fucking Kim Jong-un, right?

00:10:41.920 | You kind of want to.

00:10:42.760 | - He drinks.

00:10:43.600 | - No, he does.

00:10:44.760 | (laughing)

00:10:46.840 | You think my IVs are good in the morning?

00:10:48.840 | You know, Kim Jong-un's IVs are next.

00:10:51.520 | You're like, I feel up.

00:10:52.440 | And he's like, it's amphetamine.

00:10:54.400 | He would be a badass to drink with.

00:10:55.240 | - I think he drinks hard liquor.

00:10:57.720 | - I think it's scotch, Johnny Walker blue.

00:11:00.280 | That's what I've heard.

00:11:02.040 | - I don't know where you heard this, but I like this.

00:11:04.400 | - Okay, so I say things like that, but then I'm sure,

00:11:07.000 | I don't know if you've ever partied with someone

00:11:09.720 | who just parties a little different than you,

00:11:11.040 | and then you notice like, sometimes celebrities,

00:11:13.360 | like athletes, and then like you're at a strip club,

00:11:16.280 | and then they talk weird to a woman.

00:11:18.440 | You're like, oh, that's not me, I'm so sorry.

00:11:20.240 | So that'd be the thing,

00:11:21.080 | the atrocities would be hard to get past with them.

00:11:22.880 | - Not just the atrocity, but the way of being.

00:11:24.840 | I agree with you.

00:11:25.680 | I actually don't like drinking with rich

00:11:29.560 | and powerful people often.

00:11:31.440 | There's something weird about them.

00:11:33.120 | - Yeah. - Not all of them.

00:11:35.120 | - And I don't like a drinking meeting.

00:11:37.960 | Like when someone goes-- (laughing)

00:11:39.440 | - What's a drinking meeting?

00:11:40.720 | - Like when people go like,

00:11:42.800 | hey, I'm taking you out tonight, we're drinking.

00:11:45.600 | - Yeah. - And then I go,

00:11:46.440 | oh, that's not the way I like to do it.

00:11:47.880 | It gives me anxiety.

00:11:50.880 | Our lives are very different.

00:11:52.480 | - You and I? - Yeah.

00:11:53.880 | We're in a fraternity?

00:11:55.200 | - No. (laughing)

00:11:56.920 | We could start there, no, it was not.

00:11:58.760 | - Okay. (laughing)

00:12:01.840 | - And the differences continue from there, I'm sure.

00:12:03.800 | - So when you get your pledge of pen,

00:12:06.160 | they take you out and their whole thing is,

00:12:08.080 | we're getting you fucked up.

00:12:09.640 | That energy is not my energy.

00:12:11.120 | I don't like that.

00:12:12.440 | I just go, why don't we just get drunk

00:12:13.840 | and feel really good about ourselves?

00:12:15.720 | Like I never took mushrooms to see Jesus.

00:12:18.280 | I just wanted to enjoy Rain X on a windshield.

00:12:21.400 | So that for me is one of my things.

00:12:26.160 | So if Kim Jong-un flew me to North Korea to drink with him,

00:12:29.840 | I'd be like, I'd have to start really getting blackout drunk

00:12:31.680 | on the plane to enjoy drinking with him that day.

00:12:34.280 | - What's your favorite, like different occasions,

00:12:38.400 | what's your favorite drink?

00:12:39.440 | What's your favorite way of drinking?

00:12:41.520 | - I've got, it varies.

00:12:45.800 | - So what are the different contexts here?

00:12:47.080 | Like one-on-one.

00:12:49.520 | - One-on-one?

00:12:50.440 | - Like you sit down with, I don't know,

00:12:53.000 | Rogan invites you like it's a godfather to sit down

00:12:56.000 | and finally have a talk about something.

00:12:57.600 | - It's gonna be whiskey.

00:12:59.120 | It's gonna be like a nice whiskey.

00:13:00.360 | - Neat?

00:13:01.200 | - No, I like it on the rocks.

00:13:02.400 | I like lots of rocks.

00:13:03.960 | It won't be something expensive 'cause Rogan is not,

00:13:07.000 | he's not a fancy boy, you know?

00:13:08.720 | Like he's a real regular, he's a really regular dude.

00:13:12.320 | He's gotten less regular the more millions of dollars

00:13:14.640 | he has.

00:13:15.480 | (laughing)

00:13:16.320 | There's parts of him where you're like,

00:13:17.920 | like where you're like, oh wow, we can do this?

00:13:20.640 | - Yeah.

00:13:22.080 | - But he's a regular, he'd be like Jack on the Rocks

00:13:24.280 | or like probably Buffalo Trace or one of the,

00:13:26.040 | maybe a little whiskey he's buying.

00:13:27.560 | Rogan would be whiskey, rocks, and then like,

00:13:31.520 | that's a good, I haven't hung out with Joe by ourselves.

00:13:34.320 | I take that back, I was with him the other night.

00:13:35.800 | But like, it would be cool, my times with Joe's

00:13:38.000 | are always on podcasts.

00:13:40.120 | - Yeah.

00:13:40.960 | - And his, I miss the times where it was,

00:13:42.320 | where you just have you and him at the store late night.

00:13:45.480 | - Yeah, I'm okay with podcasts.

00:13:47.680 | Like I used to think this is like performative

00:13:50.400 | or something like this, but it's not really.

00:13:51.920 | - No.

00:13:52.760 | - It's just a chance to really sit down.

00:13:53.920 | - I enjoy it because of the people

00:13:55.120 | I could never sit down with.

00:13:56.800 | - Ah.

00:13:57.640 | - Like David Cross, I would never sit down with David Cross

00:14:00.440 | 'cause we don't run in the same circles,

00:14:02.520 | but it's nice, he has something to promote,

00:14:04.320 | and then he comes to my house and then we can sit down

00:14:07.240 | for an hour and talk, and then, or Kevin Smith.

00:14:10.240 | Like people I would never really hang out with.

00:14:12.640 | Tom, I enjoy being alone with Tom more.

00:14:17.640 | - Off mic, Tom Segura.

00:14:20.440 | - Yeah, we have a lot of history.

00:14:23.160 | There's a lot of things, secrets we know about each other,

00:14:25.840 | and there's a lot of secrets going on in each other's lives

00:14:28.680 | that I would never share on podcasts

00:14:30.520 | that I can talk to him about.

00:14:32.120 | And I really appreciate his, and I know this isn't

00:14:35.160 | on brand of us beating each other up,

00:14:37.080 | but like I really appreciate his insight as a dad

00:14:40.920 | and as a dude and as a son,

00:14:43.280 | but he makes me giggle harder than anyone,

00:14:45.640 | so doing a podcast is fun.

00:14:47.120 | - So there's something on a podcast that's performative

00:14:49.200 | for you with him, and then there's a part--

00:14:51.760 | - With me and him, 'cause we're trying

00:14:53.320 | to make each other laugh.

00:14:54.640 | But I'll tell you, if we're going back to drinks,

00:14:56.240 | I'll tell you, like a great afternoon drink

00:15:01.240 | is a Campari Spritz, it's one of my favorite drinks

00:15:04.000 | in the world.

00:15:04.840 | - I don't even know what that is, Campari Spritz.

00:15:06.960 | - Campari is an interesting alcohol

00:15:09.680 | because I think it's a bitter, or it's a liqueur,

00:15:12.400 | and it's got a weird, rooty, earthy taste.

00:15:15.160 | It's red, so it looks like Kool-Aid,

00:15:16.640 | that's why I got into it.

00:15:18.080 | I thought Campari on Ice would be oh so nice,

00:15:20.320 | it was an old commercial, but man,

00:15:22.000 | it's fucking like sucking the green giant's dick.

00:15:25.000 | It is earthy.

00:15:26.640 | - What's earthy?

00:15:27.480 | - It's like, it tastes like roots.

00:15:29.080 | It's just-- - Oh, nice.

00:15:30.160 | - It's not, it's not, there's a bitterness,

00:15:32.240 | and like a, it's just not great.

00:15:34.880 | And then someone introduced me to a Negroni,

00:15:37.000 | which is Campari and gin, and a little soda water,

00:15:40.440 | and then Campari Spritz.

00:15:42.600 | Campari Spritz is Campari, Prosecco, and soda water,

00:15:47.480 | in like a wine glass, and it is so enjoyable.

00:15:52.480 | It's got so many different profiles to it,

00:15:55.400 | where you get the bitterness,

00:15:56.880 | but the sweetness of the Prosecco,

00:15:58.400 | and then it flattens it out with the soda water,

00:16:00.120 | and it looks like Kool-Aid, so I love it.

00:16:02.920 | That's one of my favorite drinks.

00:16:04.040 | - To share in what context?

00:16:05.640 | Oh, you're in Italy, and you've been walking around Venice,

00:16:10.280 | and everyone went their own ways,

00:16:12.000 | and the whole family comes back together,

00:16:14.240 | and you meet at a statue, and your wife's sweating,

00:16:17.840 | and she's uncomfortable, and your daughters are 16 and 18,

00:16:21.160 | and they're like, "Oh, what are we doing

00:16:23.520 | "with the rest of the day?"

00:16:24.800 | And you go, "Hey guys, it's Europe.

00:16:27.200 | "Does anyone want a Campari Spritz?"

00:16:28.880 | And everyone goes, "I don't know what that is."

00:16:30.120 | And you go, "Four Campari Spritz."

00:16:32.320 | It's a minor in alcohol, so it's not gonna light them up,

00:16:34.640 | but it gives them a little bit of a buzz,

00:16:36.120 | where they're like, "Dad, these are nice.

00:16:38.160 | "Isla didn't drink hers, so I drank hers.

00:16:40.160 | "Georgia had hers, Leanne had hers,

00:16:42.160 | "and we ordered another round.

00:16:43.320 | "I ordered an," and they're fucking refreshing,

00:16:48.320 | and the buzz is perfect.

00:16:50.880 | It's not too much, 'cause it's just a little bit

00:16:52.920 | of champagne and some Campari.

00:16:54.880 | The buzz is perfect, and then a couple of them,

00:16:57.320 | and then they kinda disappear,

00:16:58.840 | and then you're just walking around again.

00:17:00.840 | That's a great fucking drink.

00:17:02.440 | - You ever drink alone?

00:17:04.600 | (laughing)

00:17:07.160 | - So there's two kinds of alone.

00:17:09.760 | One is alone at a bar.

00:17:12.640 | There's other people, but they're strangers, right?

00:17:14.880 | They're kinda like out there.

00:17:16.280 | - Okay, I've done that.

00:17:17.560 | Keep going.

00:17:18.400 | Keep going, don't walk me through all the alones,

00:17:20.600 | and then I'll tell you the rest.

00:17:21.440 | - There's all kinds of, there's alone on a train,

00:17:25.760 | like transporting someone.

00:17:26.600 | - I've drank alone on a train, yeah.

00:17:27.440 | - A train, plane, and then there's just alone

00:17:30.600 | in an empty home.

00:17:33.280 | - Or a hotel room.

00:17:34.120 | - Hotel, or hotel room.

00:17:34.960 | - And it's Sunday night.

00:17:36.000 | - Sunday night.

00:17:36.840 | - And you're packing your bag,

00:17:38.520 | and you got a flight at 6 a.m.,

00:17:41.040 | but Roadhouse is on, and you're like, shit.

00:17:44.500 | So you get out of the front desk and go,

00:17:46.480 | "Is the bar still open?"

00:17:47.600 | And they go, "Yeah, can I order some to take to my room?"

00:17:49.360 | "Sure, how about six Heinekens?"

00:17:51.100 | "Six Heinekens?"

00:17:52.080 | "Yeah, my wife wanted one too."

00:17:53.520 | "She's not up there."

00:17:55.440 | You murdered her.

00:17:56.600 | And you just say to yourself, "I'm just getting six,

00:17:58.520 | "so that if I have four, I just know I have two extra ones."

00:18:01.760 | And then you go through six, and you're like,

00:18:03.360 | "Oh man, I'm not done yet."

00:18:05.000 | Dude, I've drank in every alone scenario

00:18:07.280 | you can possibly think of.

00:18:09.000 | I've drank alone in a helicopter with a dude

00:18:13.880 | who didn't know I was drinking.

00:18:16.040 | He was like, "Can I drink in here?"

00:18:16.880 | And he was like, "Absolutely not."

00:18:18.200 | And then I poured it into a flask,

00:18:19.680 | and I opened it and drank it, and he's like,

00:18:21.040 | "Dude, we're in a fucking helicopter.

00:18:22.800 | "You don't think I'd smell that?"

00:18:24.480 | The best alone drinking you can ever do, in my opinion,

00:18:27.920 | now we're getting into the weeds on it,

00:18:29.560 | is alone behind someone's back.

00:18:31.560 | - What do you mean?

00:18:33.480 | - Like when they don't know you're drinking,

00:18:35.160 | but you're drinking.

00:18:36.160 | Like Christmas shopping.

00:18:39.920 | And your wife says, "All right, let's all split up."

00:18:44.400 | And you go, "Cool."

00:18:45.480 | And it's like 11 o'clock on a Sunday,

00:18:48.080 | and they just opened that bar by the elevator

00:18:50.000 | in the Beverly Center, and you just sneak over,

00:18:52.320 | and you go, "Hey man, can I get a double Jack

00:18:54.600 | "on the Ross Oxford Rots?"

00:18:55.480 | And they're like, "Sure."

00:18:56.320 | And you just have it, and you just go, "Let's just..."

00:18:58.200 | And then you're off, and then you're like, "Yeah."

00:19:00.640 | And then you just, little sneak one, sneak it, sneak it.

00:19:03.160 | And then you're-- - And you're buzzed

00:19:04.520 | and nobody knows.

00:19:05.360 | - And then your wife's like, "Wait, have you been drinking?"

00:19:06.560 | You're like, "Do I?"

00:19:07.960 | Yeah, I'm drinking by myself in a fucking mall on Christmas.

00:19:11.760 | How sad do you think I am?

00:19:13.200 | And then you go, "Yeah, I am."

00:19:15.360 | - What about mood?

00:19:16.920 | Do you ever drink in a dark place?

00:19:19.240 | - So I broke, I had a chick break up,

00:19:21.280 | or a chick cheat on me when I came back from Russia,

00:19:25.080 | and she slept with my best friend,

00:19:27.200 | and I didn't know how to deal with the emotions I had,

00:19:29.120 | and my buddy, Mike Osborne, said, "I can tell you this.

00:19:31.960 | "If you drink, they go away."

00:19:34.200 | And I went, "Okay."

00:19:35.680 | And that was the first and kind of last time

00:19:38.520 | I ever did that, because I did it, I've done it,

00:19:42.880 | I've done it a couple times, but I try to avoid,

00:19:46.720 | I try to avoid if there's emotion going to alcohol.

00:19:49.280 | Like, meaning, not when it's anxiety, but like depression.

00:19:53.400 | I kind of sit in the depression, or anxiety.

00:19:56.240 | I lean towards alcohol, like anxiety, like about flying,

00:19:59.040 | or just like getting worked up over something.

00:20:03.420 | But with depression, I try to avoid alcohol

00:20:05.760 | and just sit in it, because I've gone there before.

00:20:10.760 | But anxiety, I land all the time.

00:20:14.400 | - But depression, heartbreak, all that,

00:20:16.280 | you just sit in the feeling.

00:20:18.260 | - Yeah.

00:20:19.400 | Heartbreak's a weird one for me.

00:20:20.480 | So like the last time I got my heart broken,

00:20:22.240 | Leanne dumped me.

00:20:23.760 | We were dating for like four months,

00:20:25.120 | and she broke up with me.

00:20:26.640 | And my instinct was to have a drink.

00:20:28.280 | My friends went to this Middle Eastern restaurant,

00:20:32.120 | and I told them what was going on,

00:20:33.280 | and my buddy Cory was like, "Let's get a cocktail."

00:20:34.680 | And I was like, "I don't want one.

00:20:36.320 | "I gotta figure this out, 'cause I want this chick.

00:20:39.300 | "And if I start drinking, I'll be like, 'Ah, fuck it.'"

00:20:42.340 | So I gotta figure it out.

00:20:43.500 | Like I wonder, I'm gonna find out my dad dies one day,

00:20:46.980 | or my mom, but my dad will be the rough one.

00:20:48.920 | My mom will be equally as rough.

00:20:50.880 | My dad and I were really close.

00:20:53.040 | And I wonder if, I've thought about this a lot,

00:20:56.520 | if I'll have a drink dealing with that.

00:21:00.320 | Like I think about that a lot.

00:21:02.160 | I keep saying everything I get with my dad is extra.

00:21:06.360 | My dad had a 100% blockage in his Widowmaker twice.

00:21:10.520 | And both times they saved his life.

00:21:12.200 | And he got a stint, I think 12 or 13 years ago,

00:21:15.560 | and then he just got a stint this last year.

00:21:19.840 | But so everything I get to do, I feel like is extra.

00:21:22.800 | And so he was just at the premiere of my movie,

00:21:25.360 | and he got to see that,

00:21:26.200 | and he had a very emotional response.

00:21:28.440 | And I got that from him.

00:21:30.240 | And I was like, "That's a little icing on the cake."

00:21:32.600 | I did, the arena in Tampa was the first time

00:21:34.960 | he ever saw me do standup.

00:21:36.040 | That was like a little extra.

00:21:37.960 | So all these things I'm getting with him are all extra.

00:21:39.920 | So I have, I think 74.

00:21:42.880 | So yeah, that'll be a tough one.

00:21:47.760 | - Well, at the premiere, he was what, proud?

00:21:49.960 | - Yeah, he came out, he was sobbing, crying.

00:21:52.600 | And he goes, "I've underestimated you your whole life."

00:21:55.400 | And I was like, "What?"

00:21:56.240 | And he was shaking.

00:21:58.280 | He goes, "I just underestimated you.

00:21:59.520 | "I didn't know you were this, whatever."

00:22:03.760 | It was really hard to understand him, to be honest with you.

00:22:06.520 | I don't know totally what he said.

00:22:07.960 | He might've just not liked the movie.

00:22:09.400 | (both laughing)

00:22:12.060 | - I think you were hearing what you wanted to hear.

00:22:16.120 | What'd you learn about life from your father?

00:22:21.800 | - It's not gonna make sense.

00:22:23.640 | I wanna feel like sometimes

00:22:24.640 | I'm like a professional fucking wrestler.

00:22:26.760 | 'Cause all I care about is you come and see me do standup.

00:22:29.080 | So whatever I gotta do to get you there.

00:22:30.480 | But the number one thing,

00:22:32.680 | my one takeaway from that man's humility.

00:22:35.000 | And I've applied it in different ways throughout my career.

00:22:39.300 | On my 26th birthday, he gave me a really aggressive speech.

00:22:45.280 | I was hungover and I just thought he was gonna say,

00:22:50.320 | "Happy birthday."

00:22:51.360 | So I picked up the phone and I was like, "Hey."

00:22:53.880 | And he was like, "You are a tremendous piece of shit."

00:22:57.600 | And he broke me off.

00:22:58.720 | You have no humility, you have no this,

00:23:00.140 | you've never succeeded at anything.

00:23:01.520 | You're lying to yourself,

00:23:03.320 | you're lying to everyone around you.

00:23:04.520 | You're not doing what you're going after your dream.

00:23:06.600 | I broke you, I failed you as a father, this and that.

00:23:08.600 | I was like, "I thought you were gonna wish me

00:23:09.520 | "happy birthday."

00:23:10.520 | And so in that speech, he told me if I wanted something,

00:23:16.520 | I had to go at it and I had to go after it

00:23:18.880 | as hard as I could.

00:23:20.840 | And I had to do whatever I could do to achieve that.

00:23:24.600 | In this case, it was offering to do anything

00:23:26.740 | at the comedy club to get on stage.

00:23:28.540 | I told him, "That's not how it works."

00:23:31.480 | And he said, "No, that's how it works

00:23:32.960 | "for some poor kid from Harlem

00:23:34.520 | "because that kid needs it."

00:23:37.240 | He goes, "You've grown up with privilege your whole life,

00:23:38.740 | "you don't need it.

00:23:39.680 | "You think you're gonna be fine."

00:23:41.720 | And so I went and I ended up getting a job at the door,

00:23:45.460 | but it's humbling.

00:23:50.680 | It made me feel uncomfortable.

00:23:52.560 | And so that humility, it's the first time

00:23:56.440 | I really understood humility and I've applied that

00:23:59.480 | in many respects in getting to be a paid regular

00:24:04.000 | at the comedy store that happened late in life for me.

00:24:06.320 | And which I think most people would give up

00:24:07.960 | and be like, "Fuck that, I'm already a touring comic,

00:24:10.040 | "I'm on TV, I don't need that."

00:24:11.760 | But it's something I wanted and I knew I wanted,

00:24:14.160 | so I just humbly went after it.

00:24:17.440 | And then I think I still apply it

00:24:19.320 | when it comes to selling tickets

00:24:22.400 | or selling a project to the fans.

00:24:25.560 | Or even to doing podcasts, I try to be as honest as I can

00:24:30.200 | about whatever I'm going through,

00:24:31.440 | whatever I'm dealing with.

00:24:32.460 | But when it comes to selling things,

00:24:34.240 | I don't have a problem trying to make fun of myself

00:24:38.940 | or get in front of people so that they know

00:24:42.920 | that I have a show 'cause the thing I'm good at,

00:24:46.100 | the one thing I know I'm good at is stand up.

00:24:48.700 | And I say that humbly, but I want them to come there.

00:24:52.240 | So I've heard people make fun of me before,

00:24:54.880 | they're like, "Yeah, I'm not some clown in a Speedo

00:24:57.720 | "who's gonna, I'm a real comic."

00:24:59.640 | And I go, "Okay, but I want them at my shows

00:25:03.800 | "and you can be that guy and I'll be this guy."

00:25:05.720 | - Yeah, the clown in the Speedo.

00:25:07.800 | - Yeah, it's like, "What are you gonna do?"

00:25:10.000 | Funny people make fun of me for taking my shirt off,

00:25:12.160 | like I guess behind my back, no one ever does it to me.

00:25:14.840 | Like no one would ever.

00:25:17.200 | Comics aren't that manly.

00:25:20.140 | - Yeah, yeah.

00:25:23.740 | - But I always go like, "What do you care?

00:25:26.340 | "What do you care?"

00:25:29.240 | - And you love taking your shirt off?

00:25:31.180 | - More than anything.

00:25:32.960 | - You know, when something becomes meme

00:25:34.660 | and becomes super popular, it becomes easy

00:25:39.020 | to not love the thing anymore, to get tired of it.

00:25:41.780 | You still love it?

00:25:42.620 | - Well, more than anything.

00:25:44.540 | I like being shirtless more than having a shirt.

00:25:49.100 | I'm very uncomfortable in a shirt.

00:25:51.060 | Like right now, and I have tactile issues,

00:25:53.140 | like I have legit tactile issues.

00:25:55.440 | I'm most comfortable in stretchy jeans

00:25:59.740 | with a loose-fitting belt and then these shirts exactly,

00:26:03.140 | but I like more like a V-neck.

00:26:05.640 | I can feel this on my neck right now

00:26:07.260 | and I can feel it on my arms.

00:26:08.900 | And so I'll sit a certain way 'cause it just rubs me wrong

00:26:14.820 | but yeah, I'm more comfortable shirtless.

00:26:17.020 | I can never wear what you're wearing.

00:26:18.780 | - Yeah, well, this is my shirtless.

00:26:22.580 | Each of us have to find our place in this world

00:26:25.180 | in terms of fashion.

00:26:26.020 | - I would love to be able to wear what you wear

00:26:28.180 | 'cause it looks good.

00:26:31.020 | - It feels like an escape from convention.

00:26:33.120 | - What, you or me?

00:26:35.380 | - Both of us.

00:26:36.220 | - Yeah.

00:26:37.060 | - 'Cause nobody wears this

00:26:38.500 | unless you work security for somebody.

00:26:41.980 | - Yeah, but it looks good on you.

00:26:43.460 | - Does it?

00:26:44.300 | I don't know.

00:26:45.140 | - I think people think,

00:26:47.120 | I don't know, they would say like,

00:26:49.780 | "What if you lose weight?

00:26:51.700 | "You can't take your shirt off anymore?"

00:26:52.980 | I go, "No, I can't fucking take my shirt off.

00:26:55.180 | "You're fucking out of your mind.

00:26:56.020 | "I'm gonna take my shirt off all the time."

00:26:58.300 | - You mentioned early on heartbreak after the Russia trip

00:27:02.300 | with a girl who slept with your friend.

00:27:04.300 | Let's go back to Hemingway quotes.

00:27:07.220 | The best way to find out if you can trust somebody

00:27:10.660 | is to trust them.

00:27:12.180 | So to go all in with the trust.

00:27:13.860 | I love Hemingway so much.

00:27:16.840 | Have you been betrayed in your life?

00:27:21.340 | - Yeah.

00:27:22.620 | - What do you think about trust?

00:27:24.220 | - That's an interesting question.

00:27:27.420 | I've been betrayed in my professional life a couple of times

00:27:32.320 | by really close friends.

00:27:34.780 | And I'm not someone who can't,

00:27:39.780 | I have a mantra that, I don't know if people

00:27:44.020 | have heard it or not, and I hate sharing it,

00:27:46.540 | but it's true.

00:27:48.500 | The mantra is, "So you think I'm weak."

00:27:50.580 | That's my thing, 'cause I feel like people

00:27:54.820 | take advantage of me, and I go, "So you think I'm weak."

00:27:58.220 | You forget, everyone that,

00:27:59.980 | like when I name the people that have betrayed me,

00:28:03.260 | I'm a larger man than all of them.

00:28:05.220 | And so that's what really fucks with me,

00:28:07.460 | is I go, "So you think I'm weak?"

00:28:09.740 | Like where I grew up, when you do stuff,

00:28:12.180 | there was physical consequences.

00:28:13.620 | I grew up in Florida, I've been beaten up a bunch.

00:28:16.740 | I'm not saying I can fight, but I'm not scared

00:28:19.020 | of getting beaten up.

00:28:20.740 | And the times that I've been betrayed,

00:28:22.740 | and I know even by Ari, which people see that

00:28:27.740 | drugging as a betrayal, and I did for a period,

00:28:30.020 | but it was only because it was Ari,

00:28:32.220 | and he was one of my best friends.

00:28:33.900 | And me and him had to work through that,

00:28:35.580 | 'cause I couldn't not love him.

00:28:37.980 | Like I couldn't not have him in my life.

00:28:40.340 | He means a lot to me, he really does.

00:28:42.540 | He's a great friend to have, but he's also,

00:28:46.420 | I don't know what was going on with him at that time,

00:28:48.220 | but he made a bad decision, and I had to forgive him

00:28:49.860 | for that, because I knew he knew my mantra.

00:28:52.060 | I think I'm harder to trust people now.

00:28:55.740 | I'm not as apt to trust people at all.

00:28:58.840 | But there was a moment, I don't know if I've ever

00:29:01.980 | shared this, and I don't know how this will sound,

00:29:04.260 | but there was a moment that information got leaked

00:29:06.140 | out of thing, and all my managers and agents,

00:29:09.300 | both Tom and our managers and agents would like

00:29:15.300 | to either separate us, or one of them get both of us.

00:29:20.300 | It's just more lucrative for them.

00:29:23.060 | So they have always kind of pitted us against each other,

00:29:26.300 | a little bit, and they do it subtly.

00:29:28.240 | They'll do it to me, and my team, and then his team

00:29:32.940 | will do it to me, and then my team will do it to him,

00:29:34.820 | and his team will do it to him.

00:29:36.820 | And there was a moment where information got leaked

00:29:38.460 | about this thing I was doing, and my team was like,

00:29:41.980 | just so you know, your boy Tommy is the rat.

00:29:46.540 | And I had to, it was the one time, and Leanne said,

00:29:51.140 | "Do you think Tom would do that?"

00:29:53.220 | I said, "I don't know how faith works.

00:29:56.720 | "I'm not a super religious person, but I will tell you

00:30:00.180 | "that I believe in Tom, and I don't think he did it,

00:30:02.960 | "and I will stand by that ignorantly,

00:30:05.940 | "and I will ride or die with him,

00:30:08.940 | "because I cannot live in a world where I don't trust him.

00:30:12.140 | "If I don't trust him, then I am so fucked."

00:30:16.340 | And it wasn't him.

00:30:18.260 | It wasn't him, and it's a cool feeling to know

00:30:21.260 | that you could blindly trust someone,

00:30:24.460 | blindly have faith in someone, know that they have

00:30:26.820 | your best interest at heart.

00:30:28.940 | But yeah, it took me a while to get there.

00:30:30.180 | Rogan helped me get there, 'cause I wasn't trusting him,

00:30:32.620 | or Joey, or Tommy, or anyone.

00:30:33.940 | I wasn't trusting anyone.

00:30:34.820 | I'd gotten in a bad thing,

00:30:36.600 | and I just wasn't trusting anybody.

00:30:38.820 | And Rogan was like, "Yo, man, we're trying

00:30:41.300 | "to be your fucking friend."

00:30:42.540 | And I was like, "Yeah, I don't need friends."

00:30:44.880 | I couldn't understand why Rogan was interested in me,

00:30:48.460 | and I said to someone, I was like, "Is he gay?

00:30:51.260 | "What the fuck?"

00:30:52.700 | And then he was just a nice guy.

00:30:54.460 | He was just a nice guy.

00:30:56.160 | (laughing)

00:30:57.740 | - That'd be hilarious if Joe was sexually attracted to you

00:31:00.220 | this whole time.

00:31:01.220 | This whole time is the reason he keeps inviting you back.

00:31:03.740 | - I would be more excited, I would be more excited

00:31:06.540 | if just if he tried to kiss me on the lips once.

00:31:08.940 | Just in a Scotty J way from "Boogie Nights,"

00:31:13.140 | where he's like, "What, do you like my car?"

00:31:14.780 | - Yeah, you know nobody would believe that story.

00:31:17.260 | - No one.

00:31:18.340 | If I was Joe, I would kiss dudes all the time,

00:31:21.340 | and then when they didn't kiss back,

00:31:23.300 | oh, you know no one will ever believe you.

00:31:25.300 | - Yeah, when you trust people like that,

00:31:28.460 | and they fuck you over, that can really, really, really hurt.

00:31:32.140 | - You end up on a treadmill in a hotel room

00:31:35.820 | fighting with them.

00:31:36.660 | You fight with them all the time.

00:31:37.980 | You fight with them all the time.

00:31:40.380 | You fight with them constantly.

00:31:43.420 | And I have this thing where I ruminate on an idea,

00:31:47.620 | and I can't get it out of my head,

00:31:48.980 | and I hear the words they say, and I--

00:31:52.180 | - So all in your head, on a treadmill, in your head,

00:31:54.780 | just fighting.

00:31:55.620 | - Just fucking fighting, and then, yeah.

00:31:58.780 | And then one day you get past it.

00:32:02.220 | Like one day you just go, "Eh, fuck 'em.

00:32:05.300 | "I'm not gonna let him give 'em real estate."

00:32:06.900 | And then you just forget about 'em,

00:32:08.420 | and then they reach out,

00:32:09.460 | and they'll try to be a dick or a bully,

00:32:11.260 | 'cause they're bullies.

00:32:12.100 | They're bullies is what they are.

00:32:13.100 | Don't ever forget it.

00:32:14.020 | They're fucking bullies.

00:32:14.900 | And they got bullied.

00:32:15.980 | It's not their fault they got bullied.

00:32:17.880 | And then they try to bully you,

00:32:20.140 | and you don't have any connection anymore,

00:32:21.940 | and you're like, "Oh, you can go fuck yourself.

00:32:23.500 | "You can actually go fuck yourself.

00:32:24.820 | "You're not my boss.

00:32:26.020 | "You're not my wife.

00:32:26.860 | "You don't fuck me, you don't pay me.

00:32:28.020 | "Get the fuck out of my life."

00:32:30.220 | - But this kind of mantra of the, "You're not weak,"

00:32:33.220 | you still wanna be able to be fragile to the world

00:32:35.460 | and appear weak almost.

00:32:37.220 | - Well, I am, I am.

00:32:38.060 | I mean, that's the problem,

00:32:38.900 | is I think I am pretty fucking weak.

00:32:40.700 | Like, I'm not the strongest dude out there.

00:32:43.740 | I have really thin skin.

00:32:44.820 | My feelings hurt all the time.

00:32:46.940 | - Yeah.

00:32:47.780 | - And so, but it sucks when you watch your friend

00:32:53.740 | see something in you that you go,

00:32:56.820 | where they go, "Ah, fuck him.

00:32:58.060 | "He's not paying attention.

00:32:59.800 | "Fuck him.

00:33:00.640 | "Let's just fuck him.

00:33:01.460 | "Let's take his money.

00:33:02.460 | "You know what, fuck him.

00:33:03.860 | "He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

00:33:05.180 | "Look at him, he's a drunk alcoholic."

00:33:06.340 | And you go, "Oh, no, bitch, I pay attention.

00:33:08.100 | "Like, I'm wide awake.

00:33:09.420 | "I'm here, I'm working my ass off.

00:33:11.760 | "You're not gonna fucking."

00:33:14.060 | - Well, that's the tough thing about, like,

00:33:15.540 | you and Tom Segura.

00:33:16.460 | You're at the top of your game and on top of the world,

00:33:19.020 | some of the most famous comics in the world,

00:33:20.860 | and you could see money start to creep in,

00:33:24.900 | like business decisions.

00:33:26.860 | - Yeah.

00:33:27.700 | - I don't know, it's a tough place.

00:33:30.660 | - It's really tough.

00:33:31.500 | It's really tough, you know, especially as we're growing.

00:33:34.860 | And I'll tell you what,

00:33:39.860 | I don't know how much I'm allowed to say,

00:33:43.660 | but I can tell you this.

00:33:44.860 | We had a business deal

00:33:49.340 | where feelings were getting involved

00:33:52.260 | and money was involved in that,

00:33:53.580 | and the money was causing the feelings.

00:33:55.540 | And one of us said to the other person,

00:34:00.380 | "Our feelings are more important than the money,

00:34:02.960 | "so let's just split the money."

00:34:04.620 | And it was really like a solid moment

00:34:10.420 | where both of us were like,

00:34:13.280 | "That is how we should run this."

00:34:14.860 | - Yeah.

00:34:16.020 | That's the interesting things, like with bands,

00:34:18.540 | you have like popular bands that split and even.

00:34:22.620 | - Yeah.

00:34:23.460 | - Even though it's clear that the contribution is not even.

00:34:26.860 | It's like, there's a front man and all that kind of stuff,

00:34:29.420 | but it's ultimately the right thing to do,

00:34:31.260 | to say, "Fuck you," to the money, for the most part,

00:34:35.380 | and prioritize the feelings.

00:34:36.860 | - Yeah, especially because like,

00:34:39.500 | I couldn't do it without him, he couldn't do it without me.

00:34:42.380 | We do it separately, we'll have guest bears on.

00:34:44.540 | Some will blow up, some won't.

00:34:46.500 | You can never figure it out,

00:34:47.380 | but when we're together, it does well.

00:34:49.460 | And so we need each other for it to work.

00:34:51.580 | And we've, like I said,

00:34:53.660 | we're on a handshake deal with two bears,

00:34:56.020 | and no one likes that.

00:34:58.340 | But we're like, "Hey."

00:34:59.460 | To the point where he'll call me and go,

00:35:03.140 | "Yo, we have a deal to do this for X amount, are you in?"

00:35:06.580 | And I go, "Yeah."

00:35:08.180 | I don't check the books, I don't need to.

00:35:09.500 | I know him, I just know him.

00:35:11.820 | - Yeah.

00:35:12.820 | What do you love most about Tom Segura?

00:35:16.020 | - We saw a gay couple one time.

00:35:20.020 | - Mm-hmm, it was a good start.

00:35:21.580 | - And there was one guy who was in khakis,

00:35:23.500 | and one guy was in jean shorts

00:35:25.260 | with a python around his neck.

00:35:26.660 | - Yeah.

00:35:27.780 | - And Tom goes, "If we were gay, which one would you be?"

00:35:29.940 | I said, "I'm fucking python."

00:35:32.500 | And he was like, "Yeah, I'm khaki."

00:35:33.900 | And I go, "Really?"

00:35:34.740 | And he goes, "Yeah, that's why we work."

00:35:36.060 | And he goes, "All relationships are for pythons and khakis."

00:35:38.220 | And I went, "Really?"

00:35:39.060 | And he goes, "Look at you and Leanne.

00:35:39.900 | "Who do you think you are?"

00:35:40.740 | I go, "I'm python."

00:35:42.180 | And he goes, "She's khaki."

00:35:43.740 | And he goes, "Me and Push?"

00:35:45.060 | I go, "Oh, she's python."

00:35:45.900 | And he goes, "And I'm khaki."

00:35:47.140 | He goes, "I'll always be khaki."

00:35:48.660 | And sometimes I'll have a relationship around the python,

00:35:51.460 | but I'm usually a khaki.

00:35:53.140 | - Yeah.

00:35:53.980 | - And I was like, "Yeah, I am a little bit of a lunatic."

00:35:56.780 | I'll tell you, a moment that explains

00:36:01.780 | me and him, the world will never see,

00:36:04.220 | it was just a great moment.

00:36:05.140 | We got stem cells with Rogan one weekend.

00:36:07.300 | - Yep.

00:36:08.140 | - And one day, and I'd had surgery in my arm,

00:36:10.540 | and I didn't wanna do it.

00:36:11.500 | I was terrified.

00:36:12.340 | And Tom just said, "Just come out and meet up with us.

00:36:13.620 | 'Cause Tom knew he was gonna make me get them."

00:36:15.780 | And so I got them, and he, you know,

00:36:20.580 | Joe's there, and so we're just all talking.

00:36:22.380 | Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:23.460 | And Tom can see that I'm spinning out a little bit.

00:36:26.380 | And I get in the car, and Tom's got a Porsche,

00:36:29.860 | so we're like right next to each other.

00:36:31.940 | And I just wanna feel if it's swollen.

00:36:34.820 | And it is a little swollen, 'cause I just got an injection.

00:36:37.940 | And then, and Tom's driving,

00:36:39.660 | and he's got his hand on the thing.

00:36:40.980 | He just puts his hand on my arm, and he goes, "You're okay."

00:36:44.260 | He's just, he's watching, he knows me so well

00:36:47.180 | that he knows that I'm spinning out of control.

00:36:50.060 | He's like, "You're okay."

00:36:51.700 | And then I was like, and I felt okay.

00:36:53.420 | I was like, "You're right, I'm okay.

00:36:54.620 | What the fuck am I doing?

00:36:55.620 | My brain's that brain."

00:36:56.780 | - Man, that guy got so much love in him.

00:37:00.980 | - Dude, he does.

00:37:01.820 | He has, you know, he had a fantastic relationship

00:37:07.580 | with his dad, and I think whatever that dude did

00:37:12.580 | to create that dude, he hit it out of the fucking park.

00:37:17.060 | 'Cause he has so much love

00:37:19.820 | that he doesn't need reciprocated at all.

00:37:25.340 | Like he can just love, and then it feels good

00:37:28.660 | for him to give and to take care of someone.

00:37:31.780 | And he started the whole birthday gift thing,

00:37:34.340 | and he didn't need to.

00:37:35.460 | He just was like, "Hey man, I had this bike.

00:37:37.140 | I thought you'd like it."

00:37:38.740 | And then of course I've turned it into a fucking bit.

00:37:41.780 | And now we're upside down, I'm 120 upside down

00:37:43.780 | on a fucking race car that we can't make our money back on.

00:37:46.180 | - I love it.

00:37:47.260 | What do you love most about Joe Rogan?

00:37:50.740 | - Oh, that dude.

00:37:53.100 | I could go on and on about Joe Rogan.

00:37:55.340 | Joe Rogan is the most selfless individual I've ever met.

00:38:00.140 | He doesn't care if he has you on the podcast.

00:38:03.700 | He wants you to be the funniest person in the room.

00:38:06.980 | He wants you to be the smartest person in the room.

00:38:09.740 | Let me tell you something, Joe Rogan is 10 times smarter

00:38:11.780 | and funnier than me.

00:38:13.020 | He wants you to shine.

00:38:14.820 | He wants to put you over to his fans.

00:38:17.940 | That shit did not exist before he started doing his podcast.

00:38:21.340 | People didn't share you with their fans.

00:38:23.220 | No one was like, "Hey man, come on on the road with me."

00:38:25.260 | They brought you on the road 'cause they wanted you to suck.

00:38:27.540 | And they put you in bad scenarios.

00:38:28.780 | Joe Rogan wanted you to shine.

00:38:31.260 | He gave so many people beautiful careers,

00:38:35.660 | gave them careers, gave them.

00:38:38.380 | Joe could have looked at his podcast as his thing.

00:38:41.700 | This is my thing.

00:38:43.060 | I bring on these guys,

00:38:44.380 | I'm gonna be the funniest guy in the fucking room.

00:38:45.900 | I know some guys that have done that.

00:38:47.860 | It might be me.

00:38:49.340 | Might be time I talk over people

00:38:50.620 | and not listen really well.

00:38:51.940 | Joe did the opposite.

00:38:53.140 | Now look, I've tried to learn from Joe on my podcast

00:38:55.380 | and do the same.

00:38:56.500 | That guy, when you think about it,

00:38:58.180 | you name 10 of his friends,

00:38:59.460 | I bet eight of them are doing arenas right now.

00:39:02.580 | They're all doing theaters.

00:39:03.500 | All his friends do theaters.

00:39:04.740 | He is just, and he won't accept this compliment.

00:39:09.740 | I tried paying it to him in Austin,

00:39:18.260 | when I was in Austin last night.

00:39:19.420 | - He's not good at accepting compliments.

00:39:21.180 | - I gave him a gift too.

00:39:22.100 | And I said, "Hey, I need to show you.

00:39:24.540 | "I can't just tell you this

00:39:25.580 | "'cause it's gonna fall on deaf ears.

00:39:26.660 | "I need to give you a minute so you have something

00:39:29.100 | "so you know that I think about you

00:39:31.940 | "and I'm grateful for having you in my life a lot.

00:39:34.380 | "For many reasons, I have more friends in my life

00:39:37.180 | "because of you."

00:39:38.260 | He taught me how to trust people again.

00:39:40.140 | I have a career because of you.

00:39:41.900 | I have a major motion picture because of you.

00:39:44.380 | I do arenas because of you.

00:39:46.500 | Without you in my life,

00:39:47.900 | a lot of these things maybe never would have happened.

00:39:50.260 | I never would have told the machine on stage.

00:39:51.900 | I wouldn't have gotten,

00:39:53.020 | I would have never started a podcast.

00:39:54.500 | I wouldn't have three podcasts.

00:39:56.180 | Like, I mean, all these things are things he not just,

00:40:00.180 | he didn't just take me to the water one time

00:40:02.580 | and give me a drink.

00:40:03.420 | He gave me a machete and he said,

00:40:04.980 | "This is how I get to the water.

00:40:06.260 | "You gotta put your own path,

00:40:07.820 | "but just give me a heads up.

00:40:09.380 | "You can also use my path whenever you want."

00:40:11.740 | I mean, he is the most selfless individual.

00:40:14.820 | He will go down in history

00:40:16.900 | as one of the 10 most important people in standup comedy,

00:40:19.740 | without a doubt.

00:40:20.580 | He changed the game.

00:40:21.920 | It didn't exist like this before him.

00:40:24.020 | And he won't accept that compliment.

00:40:26.300 | - What was the gift you gave him?

00:40:27.420 | - I can't tell you.

00:40:28.380 | - Is it a dildo?

00:40:29.220 | - It was a dildo.

00:40:30.060 | It was a double-sided dildo.

00:40:31.340 | I go, "Hey, when you get free time,

00:40:32.620 | "can we scissor fuck each other?"

00:40:35.020 | - You're happily married for 19 years.

00:40:40.060 | So I think you're a good man to ask,

00:40:42.100 | how do you find love?

00:40:43.420 | How do you find, how do you date

00:40:45.020 | in order to find a love of your life, of a lifetime?

00:40:47.900 | - This is gonna sound off.

00:40:51.180 | But don't tie yourself down.

00:40:57.180 | Meaning like, don't spend time

00:41:01.740 | fucking with those little mini shrimp

00:41:03.380 | and peeling them every night

00:41:04.780 | when you know you're looking for a lobster.

00:41:06.940 | - Yeah.

00:41:07.780 | - And so I think what happens to a lot of guys,

00:41:09.540 | they're so busy and just getting pussy

00:41:12.620 | and going from here to here to here.

00:41:14.100 | I was never that guy.

00:41:15.100 | I always wanted to find someone who understood me.

00:41:18.460 | I always wanted that.

00:41:20.020 | And so, granted, I haven't had sex with a lot of chicks,

00:41:23.500 | but that's, and it's not by choice.

00:41:26.140 | I'm saying maybe there was times I would have done it,

00:41:28.140 | but I know that I was always looking for someone

00:41:30.740 | to figure out, to get me.

00:41:32.900 | And then I will say this, when you know, you know.

00:41:36.580 | When you know, you know.

00:41:39.060 | When you think there's,

00:41:40.420 | I can't imagine a life without this person.

00:41:43.740 | That happened to me, and I can only say my experiences.

00:41:47.300 | I had Leanne, I loved her, and I didn't even realize it.

00:41:52.100 | And the second she dumped me, I went, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

00:41:55.460 | Oh, I don't get to live a great life without her.

00:41:58.220 | She's the thing that's gonna give me a great life.

00:42:00.620 | I knew it, undisputed.

00:42:02.580 | I went for a run, and she dumped me.

00:42:05.260 | I went to my shower, I cried.

00:42:07.060 | I went to Barnes & Noble.

00:42:07.900 | I bought men are from Venus, women are from Mars.

00:42:09.620 | I watched Fight Club in my closet.

00:42:11.340 | I didn't drink.

00:42:12.180 | I drank a lot of NyQuil to sleep.

00:42:14.780 | And then I went for a hike in Runyon Canyon.

00:42:17.420 | I was running back down Outpost by Benaflex House,

00:42:19.860 | and the sun was setting, and I just said,

00:42:23.980 | God, if you're listening, just give me this chick back.

00:42:28.780 | I'll never fuck it up.

00:42:30.380 | This is the one.

00:42:31.300 | I won't fuck it up.

00:42:32.580 | I won't cheat.

00:42:33.580 | I'm not gonna be a bad dude.

00:42:35.180 | I won't have kids with her.

00:42:36.660 | I'll be there.

00:42:37.500 | I'll be a great fucking dude.

00:42:39.300 | I'll take her out on dates.

00:42:40.820 | Like, I'll love this chick.

00:42:43.020 | And I got home, and she was in my room in a sundress.

00:42:46.660 | And I was like, oh, fuck you.

00:42:48.100 | I didn't know he was real.

00:42:49.580 | I was like, shit, man, give me like one more night.

00:42:51.700 | Let me get some strange tail real quick

00:42:54.420 | before I commit forever.

00:42:55.580 | But I think when you know, you know.

00:42:57.780 | This is so silly, but I follow that in business.

00:43:00.660 | Like, when you know, you know,

00:43:02.260 | and like my assistant's with us,

00:43:04.500 | and someone goes, how do you find a good assistant?

00:43:06.260 | I go, when you know, you know.

00:43:07.460 | Like, people will show you who they are.

00:43:10.220 | I can tell you when I fell in love with my assistant.

00:43:13.380 | We were doing a TV show, and we worked past dinner,

00:43:16.660 | and all the dinner places were closed.

00:43:18.660 | And he just said, hey, I got like four meals.

00:43:20.380 | I didn't know which one you'd want,

00:43:21.220 | so I got four different meals for you.

00:43:23.260 | I ordered them, they're up in your room,

00:43:24.820 | and just let me know whichever you want,

00:43:25.980 | and I'll take care of the rest of them.

00:43:27.500 | And I was like, oh, that dude thinks

00:43:29.020 | about other people before himself.

00:43:30.820 | He didn't even get himself dinner.

00:43:32.460 | He just got me four dinners, and I was like, fuck.

00:43:35.980 | I did the same thing with my social media manager.

00:43:39.100 | The way she was operating was, I was like,

00:43:40.660 | I feel like she's thinking about me.

00:43:43.140 | And we connected on so many levels,

00:43:44.700 | on so many levels, I could talk to her

00:43:46.020 | about things and ideas I had,

00:43:48.060 | and then I was like, okay, I want her, I want him.

00:43:49.620 | I want, I think it's gotta be that thing,

00:43:52.620 | when you know, you know.

00:43:53.500 | And it can be so simple as like,

00:43:57.180 | like a personal trainer, or like a jujitsu class,

00:44:00.460 | or like, just where you go, oh, I'm connecting right now.

00:44:03.620 | - But you have to allow yourself to notice that person.

00:44:06.340 | - You, I think you do.

00:44:07.700 | I mean, I think you have to put yourself out there,

00:44:09.620 | and you have to be available for it, you know?

00:44:12.500 | That's the hardest part, is just being available for it.

00:44:15.780 | 'Cause so many people just wanna be busy just dating.

00:44:19.740 | I just wanna have someone in my life,

00:44:20.780 | I don't wanna be bored, I don't wanna,

00:44:21.860 | what if I die alone?

00:44:23.220 | I don't wanna, I like, just be available for it.

00:44:26.380 | - What is it you said, peeling the baby shrimp?

00:44:28.780 | - Yeah.

00:44:29.620 | - When you could be having a lobster?

00:44:31.380 | Lobster's still a lot of work, I have to say.

00:44:34.540 | - Yeah, but, well, yeah, but it's lobster.

00:44:37.380 | If this is a fucking baby shrimp, or like,

00:44:39.700 | you ever get the ones in Brazil,

00:44:41.220 | where you just go, fuck it, I'll eat the shell.

00:44:42.620 | I don't care anymore.

00:44:44.180 | Like, I'm so fucking hungry,

00:44:45.180 | and you just handful a lobster like it's popcorn,

00:44:46.780 | or baby shrimp like it's popcorn.

00:44:48.540 | I've done that in Vietnam, I've done that,

00:44:51.300 | where I just go, it's too much work.

00:44:53.660 | - So when you're in it,

00:44:54.660 | what's the secret to a successful marriage?

00:44:57.540 | What do women want, Burk Reischer?

00:45:00.700 | - Oh, fuck, I'm the wrong guy to answer that.

00:45:03.540 | I think--

00:45:04.380 | - How to make love to a woman, by Burk Reischer.

00:45:06.620 | - How do you make love to a woman?

00:45:07.900 | I'll tell you how I do it.

00:45:09.260 | - Meh.

00:45:10.100 | - I go down on her first.

00:45:13.340 | Make sure she has an orgasm.

00:45:16.740 | - Yeah.

00:45:17.580 | - And then I get my turn, and that's over pretty quick.

00:45:20.700 | It's like, your ears pierce,

00:45:22.540 | and you feel a little prick, and it's over.

00:45:24.180 | - Yeah.

00:45:25.020 | - I don't know if I've done a great job keeping her happy.

00:45:32.140 | I think I keep her interested.

00:45:35.060 | Like, I think I keep her occupied.

00:45:40.060 | I'm like a little bit of a rodeo clown.

00:45:42.580 | Like, I don't know, I mean,

00:45:44.340 | I know we're happy right now, I know we're really happy,

00:45:47.860 | but I don't know if I ever did as good a job as she did.

00:45:52.860 | Like, she's always been a gangster.

00:45:58.700 | Like, did everything, just does everything.

00:46:00.500 | She does it all, she does everything.

00:46:02.420 | Like, fucking everything, and she loves it,

00:46:04.020 | she just does it.

00:46:05.260 | And then she shows love for you by taking care of you.

00:46:08.580 | And so, like, I have a lot of times just been this,

00:46:10.820 | like, almost like step and repeat husband,

00:46:13.300 | where it's like I come in to take a picture,

00:46:16.580 | like, "Hey, Monday, Tuesday, all right,

00:46:18.700 | "I'm on the road Wednesday, take care, guys."

00:46:20.700 | Or like, travel channel, I'd leave for two weeks at a time.

00:46:22.820 | I left for the movie for three months.

00:46:24.540 | So like, I don't know that I've ever done a bang up job.

00:46:29.540 | I buy it, like, I go, I remember one time I was just like,

00:46:33.700 | I don't cheat on her, I don't hit her, I don't yell at her.

00:46:37.020 | I'm a pretty good fighter, I'm a really good fighter.

00:46:38.980 | Like, I'm good at like, going like,

00:46:41.700 | "Hey, we're on the same team."

00:46:43.660 | - Oh, you mean de-escalation.

00:46:45.260 | - I'm really good at like, I'm very self,

00:46:47.300 | I'm very accountable, I'm very self-correcting.

00:46:50.700 | Like, if we're in a fight and she points something out

00:46:53.140 | and I go, "Oh, you're right."

00:46:54.420 | I go, "Fuck, you're right about that, you're right,

00:46:55.900 | "you're totally right."

00:46:56.740 | - Oh, in the moment.

00:46:57.580 | - In the moment, I'm really good at that.

00:46:59.500 | And my wife's not, she's not a good apologizer.

00:47:01.660 | Like, she needs to sleep on an apology

00:47:04.100 | and then she can do it.

00:47:04.940 | I can apologize in the moment if I realize I'm wrong.

00:47:07.860 | And I'm really quick to find my fault.

00:47:11.060 | - Yeah.

00:47:11.900 | - I look for my fault, 'cause I go,

00:47:12.740 | "Tell me what I did."

00:47:14.820 | Adversely, as a parent, I have pulled my daughters aside

00:47:19.300 | and been like, "Yo, that wasn't you, that was mom."

00:47:23.500 | - Yeah.

00:47:24.340 | - "I'm giving you a heads up."

00:47:25.300 | 'Cause I don't want, 'cause I got really confused as a kid

00:47:27.740 | 'cause my dad always made sure I knew I was wrong.

00:47:31.180 | And sometimes I wasn't.

00:47:32.460 | - Yeah.

00:47:33.300 | - And then as a kid, you're kind of fucked up.

00:47:34.140 | And you're like, "Well, how do I know if I'm wrong?"

00:47:35.220 | And I think that raises, so I was really good

00:47:37.180 | with my girls going like, "Yo."

00:47:39.180 | And then, and then parenting Georgia taught me a lot

00:47:41.540 | about self-correcting.

00:47:42.740 | - Self-correcting was that?

00:47:43.900 | - Yeah, self-correcting was my oldest.

00:47:46.300 | I'd only, I parented like my dad parented.

00:47:50.060 | Like, just like, "Raise your voice, get up to here.

00:47:52.420 | "That's it, no, that does it, fuck this.

00:47:54.580 | "How come the dogs don't have goddamn leashes

00:47:55.980 | "or collars on their necks?"

00:47:57.980 | And so with Georgia, I had to learn through therapy

00:48:00.700 | that if the consequence is here

00:48:05.700 | and the highest it goes is here,

00:48:08.700 | then why the fuck wouldn't they lie and do everything?

00:48:10.340 | 'Cause they go, "Well, I know what it's like to hear,

00:48:12.900 | "you know, the consequence with a child

00:48:14.980 | "and find some conversation in it."

00:48:18.500 | Then all of a sudden they're like, "Well, fuck.

00:48:21.220 | "Well, I don't wanna lie 'cause this does suck.

00:48:23.460 | "I like this, I like where we talk."

00:48:25.180 | And he says, "Write a thousand words

00:48:26.820 | "on why driving around your kids in a car is bad."

00:48:30.780 | - So threaten extreme violence every once in a while,

00:48:32.940 | just to--

00:48:34.140 | - Yeah, let 'em know the dog can fucking bite.

00:48:36.500 | The dog can bark, the dog can bite,

00:48:38.500 | but if you pet him on his belly, he'll wag its tail.

00:48:41.100 | - Yeah.

00:48:42.940 | Do you worry about being away too much?

00:48:45.780 | I mean, you're one of the most creative content pushers

00:48:50.340 | and creators out there.

00:48:51.700 | You're just constantly innovating,

00:48:52.940 | constantly putting stuff out there,

00:48:54.100 | but do you worry that pulls you away

00:48:56.180 | from the mundane experience of life

00:48:59.820 | that can bring contentment and happiness?

00:49:01.740 | - Yeah, I feel like sometimes it cannibalizes your real life

00:49:04.940 | where you start going, you start thinking in promo videos,

00:49:08.380 | or you start looking at a vacation as a bit.

00:49:10.940 | We should go ziplining.

00:49:12.340 | Well, Ida, why don't you do, what shoes are you wearing?

00:49:17.340 | It can definitely cannibalize your life.

00:49:20.220 | My wife's really good at going like, "No."

00:49:25.220 | Like, "No phones."

00:49:27.020 | The girls are really good.

00:49:27.980 | The girls, when I started Instagramming stuff,

00:49:29.620 | they started saying stuff like, "Dad hits mom."

00:49:32.940 | And I'm like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys."

00:49:34.220 | They're like, "No, put your phone away."

00:49:35.740 | Dad and Les boys, and I'm like,

00:49:37.260 | "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop."

00:49:38.900 | - Yeah, what are some secrets,

00:49:43.020 | words of wisdom you can say for how to be successful online

00:49:46.340 | and everything you've learned?

00:49:48.300 | You're kind of like the Mr. Beast of comedy,

00:49:51.060 | just innovating constantly in terms of how to promote stuff,

00:49:55.940 | in terms of how to present stuff

00:49:57.620 | across the different social media,

00:49:59.500 | across YouTube, podcasts, all that stuff.

00:50:02.260 | - I think the number one thing is don't be afraid to suck.

00:50:07.220 | No one sees the shit that sucks.

00:50:09.620 | Doesn't get views.

00:50:10.780 | - It just gets forgotten.

00:50:11.780 | - Yeah, it gets forgotten.

00:50:13.100 | The good stuff, they remember,

00:50:14.060 | and then that's all they bring up.

00:50:15.740 | The stuff that sucks just goes away,

00:50:17.100 | and they're like, "Oh yeah, did you do that?

00:50:18.540 | "I don't even think I saw that.

00:50:20.780 | "Fuck it, who cares?"

00:50:22.380 | You know, it's like I watched,

00:50:24.420 | one of my favorite stories about this

00:50:25.740 | is a guy named Sean Patton.

00:50:30.180 | I was explaining Instagram stories

00:50:31.660 | to him and Ari and Mark Norman,

00:50:33.140 | and I was explaining that you can now sell tickets

00:50:35.900 | on Instagram stories.

00:50:36.900 | It was back when they swiped up,

00:50:38.260 | instead of tap the button, swipe up.

00:50:40.300 | And they didn't understand it.

00:50:41.340 | And I said, "Let me show you."

00:50:42.380 | And I put up tickets for sale,

00:50:44.740 | and I said, "Hey guys, swipe up."

00:50:46.460 | And then I just showed him in 10 minutes,

00:50:47.660 | look, this is how many people swiped up.

00:50:48.900 | It was 145 people.

00:50:50.420 | That's a lot of people to buy tickets

00:50:51.400 | for a fucking comedy club.

00:50:52.460 | And they were like, "Whoa."

00:50:54.460 | And they're like, "What do you do stories about?"

00:50:55.820 | I go, "Fucking anything, who gives a shit?

00:50:57.460 | "Just anything, and some things work, some things don't."

00:51:00.420 | And I watched Sean Patton, shout out to Sean Patton,

00:51:03.820 | try for about 15 minutes to do an Instagram story

00:51:06.940 | about his cup of tea.

00:51:09.620 | He was making a cup of tea, and he was making,

00:51:11.900 | and he kept going, "Hey, okay, hold on, hold on."

00:51:15.100 | I was filming him from the couch.

00:51:16.700 | I was filming all these attempts.

00:51:17.540 | - The whole thing, yeah.

00:51:18.380 | - I filmed every single one of them.

00:51:19.220 | I have like 15 different stories of him trying to do that.

00:51:21.980 | I had 145,000 views on each story.

00:51:25.140 | He never posted it.

00:51:26.140 | He never posted it.

00:51:27.980 | And I was like, "Man, if he had just posted that one."

00:51:30.900 | He never posted anything in his stories.

00:51:32.700 | That one, 145,000, 5,000 people would have gone

00:51:34.700 | to his story to see that cup of tea being made

00:51:37.420 | and see which one he finally went with.

00:51:39.260 | And so sometimes I think the biggest mistake you can make

00:51:41.780 | is just not doing it.

00:51:43.380 | Just do it, just post it.

00:51:44.960 | Turn the camera on, the idea will show up.

00:51:46.860 | And that's the number one thing.

00:51:48.820 | Just turn the camera on and it'll come up.

00:51:50.420 | You'll figure it out.

00:51:51.420 | - Do you do multiple takes or no?

00:51:53.060 | - Maybe I do three.

00:51:54.140 | Like, and I'm talking even like in the dance video I did,

00:51:57.300 | where I did the hip hop dance, I did two takes on that.

00:52:01.140 | When I had the marching band come to my house,

00:52:02.980 | I did two takes on that.

00:52:04.280 | Once you start doing more takes,

00:52:06.860 | you lose the fun of it, I think.

00:52:09.340 | And then the fun ones, I mean, my favorite one I've ever done

00:52:14.780 | without a doubt, my favorite promo I've ever done is

00:52:19.460 | I needed, they added a second show in some city.

00:52:23.820 | And they added a second show like Friday and Saturday,

00:52:28.420 | and our third show.

00:52:29.860 | And I said, they just told me, I was like,

00:52:31.180 | fuck, I'm leaving like tomorrow, I need to sell tickets.

00:52:33.700 | So I said, real quick, girls, meet me outside.

00:52:35.420 | And Leanne's like, girls are doing homework,

00:52:36.540 | I gotta go take five seconds.

00:52:37.980 | I put on a Speedo, I got the American flag.

00:52:40.260 | I gave Isla the hose, I gave Leanne the leaf blower,

00:52:42.980 | and I gave Georgia the drone.

00:52:45.020 | And I just had Georgia drone it back to reveal

00:52:48.940 | the leaf blower and the mist you were seeing

00:52:51.260 | was coming from Isla and Leanne.

00:52:53.900 | I'm in a Speedo with the American flag.

00:52:55.580 | I have Bob Seger playing, rambling, grambling man.

00:52:58.600 | - Yeah.

00:52:59.440 | - And that night, Larry the cable guy texted me,

00:53:03.520 | and he goes, this is fucking genius.

00:53:05.880 | And I was like, it was just like,

00:53:07.520 | yo, let's just shoot something, who gives a fuck?

00:53:10.760 | Like just shoot something, just say something.

00:53:14.480 | And put a little, just do a little movement into it.

00:53:17.440 | And those are my, back in the, I used to be,

00:53:20.400 | I watched a bunch of my promo clips from back in the day.

00:53:23.040 | I used to be really good.

00:53:23.940 | Now it's like, I'm promoting so fucking many things.

00:53:27.500 | I'm just like, I'm almost like,

00:53:28.780 | I'm exhausted about my promotions.

00:53:30.480 | - Yeah, because the well can dry up in terms of ideas.

00:53:34.880 | - Yeah, and it's like, how many times

00:53:35.880 | am I gonna show a picture of my ass?

00:53:37.040 | My ass sells really good.

00:53:38.720 | Whatever my ass is on Instagram,

00:53:40.800 | fucking million views guaranteed, a million views.

00:53:43.780 | - Your ass.

00:53:44.620 | - And it's an active post.

00:53:47.800 | Like people are like, I did the best one

00:53:49.600 | I did the other day was where I superimposed

00:53:51.600 | my ass on my front, and it just looked beautiful.

00:53:54.520 | - Yeah. - No views.

00:53:56.880 | - Oh, so you-- - I think I reported.

00:53:58.720 | - Oh, I see. - It looked like

00:53:59.560 | a front vagina.

00:54:00.880 | - Oh, is that what it was?

00:54:01.920 | - Yeah, I think so.

00:54:02.760 | But like, but yeah, my ass.

00:54:05.120 | - Ass sells. - Like I'm at a place

00:54:06.840 | right now where I am promoting,

00:54:08.360 | I'll be promoting this movie,

00:54:11.680 | I'll be promoting this movie until it goes to a streamer.

00:54:14.960 | I'll be promoting it shamelessly.

00:54:17.480 | I am proud of it.

00:54:18.300 | I had a great time shooting it.

00:54:20.120 | It's in theaters.

00:54:21.560 | It'll be on video on demand.

00:54:23.120 | It'll be on a streamer, I'm sure.

00:54:24.480 | I don't know, but I'm sure.

00:54:26.480 | I'm promoting "Fully Loaded," my summer festival

00:54:28.600 | with 19 different comics.

00:54:29.640 | I'm promoting the "Tops Off" world tour

00:54:32.040 | that starts again this fall.

00:54:33.640 | I'm promoting my cruise, the "Fully Loaded" cruise.

00:54:36.200 | I'm promoting "Red Rocks."

00:54:37.840 | I'm promoting so many things

00:54:40.120 | that today was the very first time in my career

00:54:43.800 | where I said, in January, I'm gonna take a break.

00:54:46.760 | I'm gonna take a break and go like,

00:54:48.920 | hey man, let's get your resting heart rate down.

00:54:52.240 | Let's get some sleep.

00:54:54.160 | Let's maybe take off like three months from drinking.

00:54:57.360 | Like, let's just really slow it down.

00:54:59.960 | And also not think, when you're thinking

00:55:02.920 | in promo all the time, it can be a little exhausting.

00:55:06.640 | I mean, you think it's exhausting to look at my feed.

00:55:09.080 | It's exhausting to be my feed.

00:55:10.600 | I'm my feed.

00:55:11.500 | - And sometimes less is more.

00:55:15.200 | One of the things that-- - Nope, nope, nope.

00:55:18.520 | - One of the things that inspires me about "Rogan,"

00:55:21.240 | for example, is he almost never does this kind of stuff.

00:55:26.240 | - Yeah, yeah, and how seldomly he does his podcast.

00:55:29.960 | 'Cause you're right, less is more.

00:55:30.920 | How often does he do it?

00:55:31.760 | Like once a month?

00:55:32.800 | No, he does it three times a fucking week.

00:55:34.800 | More is perfect.

00:55:37.320 | - But for example, when he does like a story

00:55:39.120 | or something like this, he does one take.

00:55:42.240 | It's kind of shitty.

00:55:43.700 | - It's the same take.

00:55:46.120 | It's Elk with a bunch of jalapenos,

00:55:48.800 | a knife that he had sent to him by a fucking knife maker,

00:55:52.000 | and him going, "Look at this.

00:55:53.520 | "Look at this Traeger smoker.

00:55:55.380 | "I reverse seared this.

00:55:56.760 | "This is what's great.

00:55:57.600 | "Look at this.

00:55:58.420 | "I'm about to put it in the butter.

00:55:59.260 | "This is grass-fed butter.

00:56:00.580 | "This elk really raises my testosterone."

00:56:02.760 | Rogan is, you're right, with guys like Rogan,

00:56:06.160 | when he does do a story, they're a little precious.

00:56:08.800 | - Yeah, and I don't think he's ever done a second take

00:56:13.800 | at any of those stories.

00:56:15.800 | - No.

00:56:17.640 | You have to really admire that.

00:56:19.640 | If the shot is framed poorly, if the audio sucks,

00:56:22.360 | doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

00:56:23.800 | - Do you remember when he, this is like,

00:56:26.480 | I can get in the weeds on Rogan,

00:56:27.960 | and especially when it's Instagram.

00:56:29.840 | Do you remember when he got his polar plunge

00:56:31.480 | and he couldn't sit in it in a minute?

00:56:33.320 | And then the next day, and then he must have gotten it

00:56:35.680 | on the internet bad.

00:56:37.440 | He must have gotten it bad.

00:56:39.280 | The next day, he sat in it for 20 minutes

00:56:42.360 | and he lowered his core temperature by like two degrees,

00:56:44.800 | and it took him like a month to get that back.

00:56:47.320 | That is that fucking man.

00:56:49.040 | What an interesting, you know, I told you at the beginning,

00:56:51.800 | we were just talking, I really enjoy,

00:56:55.200 | I draw inspiration from men I'm not like.

00:56:57.280 | You, David Goggins, Cam Haines.

00:57:02.200 | - Andrew Huberman.

00:57:04.560 | - Huberman I love.

00:57:05.800 | Fucking, I mean, there's so many guys like that, Rogan,

00:57:11.000 | Tim Kennedy, there are a lot of guys

00:57:14.680 | that are just very different men than me,

00:57:17.200 | and I love Jocko Wilnick.

00:57:19.280 | Like I love reading their stuff

00:57:23.680 | or listening to their audio books

00:57:25.040 | or listening to their podcasts

00:57:26.800 | because I'm so not like that.

00:57:29.000 | But that for me, when I add a little bit of that in my life,

00:57:31.360 | like I remember you went, I don't know what you were doing,

00:57:34.480 | but you were walking us through your day.

00:57:37.160 | And it was so fascinating.

00:57:40.720 | It was like, I ran eight miles today.

00:57:45.000 | I listened to an audio book, I was running eight miles.

00:57:47.240 | And then I came and I worked

00:57:48.720 | for about three hours straight on AI stuff.

00:57:51.160 | And I'm like, and I was like, wait, you sat at a desk?

00:57:54.960 | Like you like sat at a desk and like,

00:57:56.280 | and I actually, I wouldn't even know what to do.

00:58:00.200 | I would start doing crafts.

00:58:01.360 | Like I wouldn't, like that you went,

00:58:04.120 | I was like, is your computer like.

00:58:05.840 | - Yeah, have you sat for like four hours

00:58:09.600 | focused on a single task?

00:58:12.480 | - Me?

00:58:13.320 | - Yeah.

00:58:14.160 | (laughing)

00:58:15.560 | - Oh, I have a hard time sleeping for four hours.

00:58:18.000 | - Yeah.

00:58:18.840 | - Like I don't have that, I don't have a brain that like,

00:58:22.920 | I really admired it when I listened to you do it.

00:58:25.840 | 'Cause then you were like, you were fasting at the time,

00:58:28.720 | you were doing your fast.

00:58:29.760 | And then you talk about what you ate.

00:58:31.840 | And I was jealous, I wanted to be able to be like that.

00:58:35.120 | And I think at that time we started,

00:58:36.200 | I think you were doing maybe bone broth or something.

00:58:38.840 | And we started doing bone broth pretty religiously

00:58:41.960 | and adding that into a fast 'cause I was like,

00:58:44.920 | it does, for someone like me,

00:58:46.240 | it does feel cool to add a little bit of control into life.

00:58:49.320 | - So you, so integrating a little bit of a way of being

00:58:53.320 | from another person that you're not like.

00:58:55.040 | - Yeah, like so David Goggins

00:58:58.240 | is consistently pushing himself.

00:59:01.200 | I love, I did it over the pandemic more,

00:59:04.840 | but I loved going, today I'm running a marathon.

00:59:07.880 | I'm gonna get on the treadmill

00:59:09.080 | and it's not gonna be all at once,

00:59:10.800 | but I'm gonna get through a marathon today.

00:59:13.240 | So let's get up, get a six-ounce of coffee

00:59:15.760 | and let's see if we can do like five miles

00:59:17.040 | and then know that we started there.

00:59:19.160 | And that was really fun to like,

00:59:22.840 | Cam Haines does that too, where he goes like,

00:59:25.760 | he almost just sets the limit and then achieves that.

00:59:29.000 | His son Truett is really fascinating

00:59:31.480 | 'cause his son Truett right now is trying to get the,

00:59:33.680 | and like, I bet people would never think

00:59:35.200 | that this is who I watch,

00:59:36.560 | but I get real inspiration from those people

00:59:39.400 | because I showed Jocko, I showed a clip to Jocko,

00:59:42.880 | to Isla, 'cause Isla's like me,

00:59:44.720 | like a person of her fluids, impulse.

00:59:49.720 | I walked in on her one time,

00:59:52.200 | she was in the pantry in a bathrobe in the dark

00:59:57.160 | drinking a root beer.

00:59:58.440 | - Yeah.

00:59:59.280 | - And I opened the door and she went,

01:00:01.720 | I said, "What?"

01:00:02.560 | She goes, "I thought you were mom, shut the door."

01:00:04.320 | And I shut the door to let her finish the root beer.

01:00:07.600 | She has a hard time waking up.

01:00:08.720 | So I go, "Isla, come in here.

01:00:10.320 | "I want you to see this clip from Jocko."

01:00:12.080 | She goes, "Who's Jocko?"

01:00:13.880 | I say, "He's a Navy SEAL."

01:00:14.880 | She goes, "He works at the zoo?"

01:00:15.960 | I went, "No."

01:00:16.800 | (laughing)

01:00:18.000 | I said, "He's a Navy fucking SEAL."

01:00:19.720 | I go, "It's a badass job."

01:00:20.880 | She goes, "It's a silly name."

01:00:21.960 | And I went, "No, it's not, it isn't a silly name.

01:00:24.040 | "These guys are the toughest dudes in the world."

01:00:26.360 | She goes--

01:00:27.200 | - She's kind of right though about the silly name.

01:00:28.400 | I never even realized that.

01:00:29.480 | - Well, yeah, you talk to a child.

01:00:30.880 | - Yeah.

01:00:31.720 | - And so I go, "Watch this, what he says about waking up."

01:00:33.600 | So I hit the thing and Jocko goes,

01:00:36.080 | "First thing you do when you hear that alarm clock,

01:00:38.680 | "you could roll over, you could go back to bed,

01:00:40.380 | "you could snooze, but you get out of bed

01:00:42.560 | "and that's your first victory."

01:00:44.040 | And Isla hits pause and she goes,

01:00:46.360 | "How great is that nap right after you hit snooze though?"

01:00:49.440 | I went, "It is pretty fun."

01:00:50.840 | I go, "Hang on, you're missing the point.

01:00:52.300 | "You can listen to this whole speech."

01:00:54.000 | He's with Casey Neistat when he's telling this speech.

01:00:56.040 | He's with Casey Neistat.

01:00:57.760 | And so I hit it and then he goes,

01:00:59.400 | "And then you've got a victory under your belt.

01:01:00.680 | "Then you go to the gym and you work out."

01:01:02.440 | And I go, "Are you listening to this, Isla?"

01:01:03.280 | And she goes, "Yeah."

01:01:04.480 | And he goes, "And then when you go to the work,

01:01:05.680 | "now you've got two victories.

01:01:06.640 | "You've worked out and you've woken up on time.

01:01:08.460 | "You didn't hit that snooze button.

01:01:09.860 | "So when you go into that break room and you see donuts,"

01:01:12.240 | and she hits pause, she goes,

01:01:13.900 | "If he's about to say no to donuts, I'm done listening."

01:01:16.840 | I go, "He's definitely gonna say no to donuts."

01:01:19.200 | "Do you think he's gonna have a donut?"

01:01:20.120 | And she goes, "You like this guy?"

01:01:22.120 | I go, "I fucking love him."

01:01:23.120 | And she goes, "Do you think he'd like you?"

01:01:25.480 | And I go, "What do you mean?"

01:01:26.760 | She goes, "Dad, you hit snooze, you skip working out

01:01:29.340 | "and you love donuts."

01:01:30.320 | And I'm like, "Yeah, you're making a good fucking point."

01:01:32.520 | I go, "But I do love that,

01:01:35.940 | "I love to watch that brain work and go,

01:01:39.500 | "I don't hit snooze.

01:01:43.000 | "I don't hit snooze now."

01:01:44.560 | I go, "Fuck it, 'cause I'm up."

01:01:46.600 | And then I go to the gym every single morning.

01:01:49.920 | I go to the gym every single morning.

01:01:51.500 | And today is National Donut Day.

01:01:53.080 | I didn't have a donut.

01:01:54.720 | And so I try to apply these a little bit,

01:01:57.480 | 'cause I mean, the other side of me is like,

01:01:59.400 | tonight after we do this, I'll do another podcast

01:02:02.400 | and then I'm gonna call Leanne and go,

01:02:03.840 | "Yo, we're in Beverly Hills, meet me out here.

01:02:06.040 | "Let's go have drinks.

01:02:06.880 | "Let's go have fucking couple Campari Spritz.

01:02:09.520 | "Ida's over at her friend's house in Oberlin,

01:02:12.220 | "let's get some edibles

01:02:13.060 | "and let's fucking have a night about it.

01:02:14.420 | "Get some sushi, go have sex in the hot tub.

01:02:16.800 | "And I gotta work out at fucking 10 in the morning."

01:02:19.100 | - I gotta tell you, that nap when you press snooze.

01:02:23.480 | - Is the sweetest.

01:02:24.880 | - That's my victory, first victory is pressing snooze

01:02:28.960 | and getting the nap out of the belt.

01:02:30.760 | - Have you ever had, I had,

01:02:32.760 | so this morning I didn't work out.

01:02:35.040 | I'd press at like five in the morning until about six.

01:02:39.280 | - You're going hard right now.

01:02:40.480 | - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:41.600 | And then I had a podcast.

01:02:42.440 | - I saw you flew to Austin.

01:02:44.240 | I was like, what?

01:02:45.080 | Just run around theaters and now you're back.

01:02:50.440 | - Yeah, run around theaters to promote the movie

01:02:53.300 | and then, look, you only get one shot at these movies,

01:02:55.840 | so you might as well do,

01:02:56.680 | and look, it's really hard to get people

01:02:58.000 | to go into a movie theater right now.

01:02:59.640 | And so I woke up at like six,

01:03:02.600 | did five or six to seven, did press,

01:03:05.520 | and then I went and I said,

01:03:09.440 | and I'm really into history podcasts right now,

01:03:13.640 | and I was listening to this one about the conquistadors

01:03:15.840 | and I was like, when I woke up,

01:03:19.160 | I was like, I wouldn't mind going back to that.

01:03:20.680 | And I said, I'll tell you what,

01:03:22.360 | I'm gonna take a little nap and go.

01:03:24.680 | Now I slept good last night.

01:03:26.000 | I slept like seven hours last night.

01:03:28.560 | Boy, that 30 minute nap, it felt like five hours.

01:03:33.000 | And I woke up going, I gotta readjust my sleep score.

01:03:36.560 | That has to be in the 97.

01:03:37.760 | That was the best fucking nap.

01:03:38.840 | Those little snooze naps are monsters.

01:03:42.440 | - You know, there's, I don't care.

01:03:43.880 | That's probably for me,

01:03:46.040 | one of the peak experiences of life is those naps.

01:03:50.260 | I don't know what that is.

01:03:51.400 | - Have you ever slept in a tour bus?

01:03:54.760 | - A tour bus versus a regular bus?

01:03:56.880 | - Like a tour bus, like meaning like in a bunk.

01:04:00.720 | - No.

01:04:01.560 | I've taken a lot of buses in my life though.

01:04:04.720 | - Like you mean like just like a Greyhound?

01:04:07.160 | Those are very different.

01:04:08.120 | - And public transit.

01:04:10.640 | Listen, they,

01:04:11.960 | that's just part of life in a Greyhound.

01:04:16.240 | - I was on a Greyhound one time,

01:04:17.080 | I was on a Greyhound one time, right,

01:04:18.760 | when Notorious B.I.G.'s album came out in college

01:04:22.520 | and I was going from Tallahassee down to Tampa

01:04:24.840 | and the dude got on the tour bus,

01:04:27.800 | got on the bus next to me, black dude,

01:04:30.440 | and he sat down, he said,

01:04:33.000 | "Where you headed?"

01:04:33.840 | And I said, "Tampa."

01:04:34.660 | He said, "You grew up in Tampa?"

01:04:35.500 | I said, "Yeah."

01:04:36.340 | He said, "You?"

01:04:37.160 | And he goes, "Yeah."

01:04:38.000 | I said, "You go to school with Fam?"

01:04:38.840 | And he goes, "Fam, you and Floris,

01:04:39.680 | "they're the two schools, one's black, one's white."

01:04:42.000 | And he goes, "No, I just got out of prison."

01:04:43.880 | I said, "You got out of prison?"

01:04:44.960 | And he goes, "Yeah."

01:04:46.480 | Yeah, man, I got out of prison.

01:04:47.640 | I stabbed a dude and I've been in prison.

01:04:50.560 | I just got out today.

01:04:51.400 | He goes, "What are you listening to?"

01:04:53.000 | I said, "Notorious B.I.G."

01:04:54.680 | And he goes, "Oh, shit, that's out?"

01:04:57.880 | And I went, "Yeah."

01:04:58.720 | And he goes, "I wanna hear it, can I hear it?"

01:05:00.560 | And I was like, "Yeah."

01:05:01.920 | And he used my headset to the whole bus ride to Tampa.

01:05:04.880 | I didn't have the, I was like, "He's stabbed a man,

01:05:06.160 | "they're yours now, I guess."

01:05:07.240 | And then I just sat next to him and I was like,

01:05:09.520 | "Is he, are you enjoying it?"

01:05:10.520 | He's like, "This is good."

01:05:12.280 | No, tour bus naps.

01:05:13.840 | - Yeah.

01:05:15.280 | - When you're in a bunk, it's ice cold,

01:05:18.200 | bus isn't moving, five o'clock,

01:05:20.520 | like we work out from like up until like five o'clock,

01:05:23.200 | 5.30, show starts at seven,

01:05:24.920 | but that five o'clock to six, 6.30 nap,

01:05:27.360 | it's pitch black, it's like a coffin.

01:05:32.000 | And it is ice cold and you got all your pillows

01:05:34.520 | and blankets in there.

01:05:35.520 | And you put a little history podcast on in the corner

01:05:38.600 | and you just listen to like Kurt Mombashi

01:05:42.320 | or like, oh my God.

01:05:45.120 | - So you're talking about like 5.00, 6.00 p.m.

01:05:47.120 | for a 7.00 p.m. show.

01:05:48.400 | - Oh, it's the best nap you'll ever have.

01:05:50.240 | You wake up so refreshed.

01:05:52.800 | - Yeah.

01:05:53.640 | - Like I've woken up from naps,

01:05:54.720 | like where I'm like, fuck yeah.

01:05:57.080 | Like those tour bus naps are the best naps.

01:05:59.880 | - Yeah, I think having a full productive day

01:06:03.120 | and then like 5.00, 6.00 p.m. to get a nap

01:06:07.640 | and then you do something really stressful after that,

01:06:10.440 | like really hyper, like a show.

01:06:13.280 | But if I do, like I really like doing podcasts

01:06:15.960 | like late at night after a nap.

01:06:18.400 | I think I fucked up my podcast rhythm

01:06:20.800 | 'cause we're doing them in the day.

01:06:22.680 | And so sometimes I'm just like,

01:06:24.360 | like if I work out in the morning, I'm good on a podcast,

01:06:26.240 | but if I don't work out, I suck on a podcast.

01:06:28.480 | I'm just like, uh-huh, yeah.

01:06:31.360 | - Yeah.

01:06:32.200 | - That's cool.

01:06:33.480 | No, my favorite is, I used to do this a lot,

01:06:38.480 | I haven't done it in a while, is a full busy day,

01:06:43.320 | nap at home, box of wine on the treadmill

01:06:47.720 | and do that until like midnight.

01:06:49.680 | Watching TV, box of wine.

01:06:51.400 | - Box of wine on a treadmill.

01:06:53.680 | - It's the best.

01:06:54.520 | - How are you sipping it, Jake?

01:06:56.320 | - You have a glass, but you have a box.

01:06:57.720 | The box fits on the corner on the treadmill.

01:06:59.560 | So you just got a little spigot

01:07:01.200 | and you just sit there and just put on

01:07:03.160 | like guys' grocery games or like just something.

01:07:05.440 | It's like a--

01:07:06.280 | - You walking or are you running?

01:07:07.160 | - I walk, I walk at like a 3.5.

01:07:09.360 | So what'll happen is if you start at three,

01:07:10.880 | start at three, casual walk, 20 minutes,

01:07:13.280 | you're gonna mile in and then you're gonna feel loose.

01:07:16.120 | You get up to a 3.5, you can do seven miles on these things

01:07:19.560 | and you're just enjoying your night.

01:07:21.720 | Especially like my wife, back in the day

01:07:23.640 | when we lived in our old house,

01:07:24.680 | my wife would come into the man cave

01:07:25.920 | and she'd sit on the couch and we'd watch TV together

01:07:28.200 | and like watch Game of Thrones.

01:07:29.840 | And you just like for an hour

01:07:30.840 | and you just get on the treadmill and do it.

01:07:32.160 | Oh man, I loved.

01:07:34.720 | Haven't done that as much lately.

01:07:36.760 | That was the fucking best.

01:07:37.600 | - So you can lose yourself, you can forget yourself.

01:07:39.720 | - You forget you're on a treadmill

01:07:41.000 | and you just are like walking and you're sweating

01:07:43.280 | and you're having wine.

01:07:44.920 | And then at certain points you're like,

01:07:47.080 | like you start jogging, especially like we were watching,

01:07:52.320 | not all quiet on the Western front.

01:07:54.840 | What's the one where they've gotta get the message

01:07:58.360 | to the front line?

01:08:00.040 | I would run like I was in World War II.

01:08:02.240 | I would run when they would run

01:08:03.640 | and it was fucking awesome.

01:08:04.920 | And I would be like, 'cause they were doing drinks.

01:08:07.160 | They'd be like, "Take a drink, you gotta run up there."

01:08:08.520 | And I'd be like, "Okay."

01:08:09.920 | Yeah, I'm really into history podcasts right now.

01:08:13.080 | I've been in them for a while.

01:08:14.960 | - 20th century or everything?

01:08:17.000 | - Everything, everything.

01:08:17.960 | I listened to, was it Marcus Aurelius and Cleopatra?

01:08:22.960 | Today.

01:08:26.440 | In the middle of the podcast, they're like,

01:08:29.160 | "Just so you know, Cleopatra wasn't as hot

01:08:30.680 | "as everyone says."

01:08:31.520 | I was like, "Why are you saying that?"

01:08:32.960 | Yeah, tell me she's a six, she looks like Snooki.

01:08:35.160 | Like, let me dream that she looks like Kim Kardashian.

01:08:39.320 | And then I listened to that one today.

01:08:42.680 | I listened to World War II a lot.

01:08:44.400 | A lot of books on World War II, a lot of podcasts about it.

01:08:48.000 | - What's your favorite theater?

01:08:50.080 | The Pacific or European?

01:08:52.200 | - No, European.

01:08:54.360 | Pacific, well, because my family,

01:08:56.360 | so much of it has died in that theater.

01:08:58.320 | So, it's personal.

01:08:59.320 | - So much of it.

01:09:00.160 | - I hate to sound cliche, like a Marlon Schwartz thing

01:09:03.000 | in an '80s movie, but it's personal.

01:09:05.080 | - Well, you know what I find funny about that?

01:09:06.720 | - Yeah.

01:09:07.560 | - Is Lennon, it was Lennon, right?

01:09:10.960 | - John Lennon?

01:09:11.800 | - John Lennon.

01:09:12.720 | - Lennon was World War II, right?

01:09:15.000 | Or was it Stalin?

01:09:15.840 | - Stalin.

01:09:16.760 | - Stalin.

01:09:17.600 | Stalin thought him and Hitler would be friends.

01:09:21.000 | I think that's so cute that he was like,

01:09:22.880 | "We're gonna be buddies."

01:09:24.480 | Like, "We're boys."

01:09:25.880 | And then Hitler's like, "Oh, fuck you.

01:09:27.840 | "I'm Hitler, bro.

01:09:28.760 | "This is what I do."

01:09:29.680 | - Well, at first he was like, "Fuck yeah.

01:09:31.720 | "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll be friends."

01:09:33.200 | - Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

01:09:34.040 | And then, "Call me, call me.

01:09:36.040 | "Better yet, I'll show up in winter."

01:09:37.480 | How's that sound?

01:09:38.320 | (laughing)

01:09:39.160 | - Yeah.

01:09:40.000 | - And I find all of that so fascinating.

01:09:45.000 | When I was a kid, I had a hard time understanding how,

01:09:46.960 | 'cause we were always at war with Russia when I was a kid,

01:09:50.200 | and I had a hard time understanding

01:09:51.520 | how we could be on the same team as Russia in World War II.

01:09:54.960 | And I was like, "Wait, how did that turn south?"

01:09:56.640 | And then you listen to podcasts.

01:09:58.640 | Yeah, all of that, all of the World War II,

01:10:06.440 | I got really into the Pacific shit for a while,

01:10:10.160 | but I'm really deep in the whole,

01:10:15.160 | we went to Normandy from the Cliffs of Dover,

01:10:19.080 | and to think, "So that's the fucking beach.

01:10:21.960 | "That's the fucking beach.

01:10:24.720 | "Oh shit, this is cold as fuck.

01:10:26.520 | "These dudes jumped in ice cold water.

01:10:29.440 | "And this isn't like a cool beach.

01:10:31.100 | "This is, and it's just so insane."

01:10:35.640 | And then to see the, it's pretty intense.

01:10:39.800 | I don't know why I got into history late in life.

01:10:41.600 | I was kind of into it, but I'm really into it now.

01:10:44.960 | And I love just learning a little something about,

01:10:48.160 | today I listened to the, Noiser has a great history stuff.

01:10:53.160 | It's like history for dummies, I think.

01:10:55.160 | I can't listen to the really smart stuff.

01:10:58.860 | It starts losing me.

01:10:59.700 | Too many names and I'm gone.

01:11:01.200 | - Yeah, but Dan Carlin's always the best.

01:11:04.640 | Your podcast with Dan Carlin was so fucking good.

01:11:08.600 | I only know about Martin Luther because of Dan Carlin.

01:11:14.920 | I only know.

01:11:16.960 | I made a joke about some Lutheran the other day,

01:11:20.060 | and everyone laughed, and I was like,

01:11:21.520 | "Did you guys listen to the same podcast I did?"

01:11:23.120 | Because I just am quoting Dan Carlin.

01:11:25.120 | His podcast, we all quoted the same shit about Genghis Khan

01:11:32.880 | about how he could shoot a dove off a horseback,

01:11:36.480 | but we knew that all four hoofs had to be off the ground

01:11:40.800 | at the same time they shot.

01:11:43.100 | They would sometimes take their meat

01:11:45.400 | and stick it under their saddles.

01:11:47.560 | And that, I mean, Dan Carlin is, he is the motherfucker.

01:11:51.760 | - Yeah.

01:11:52.600 | - God, those were, man,

01:11:53.520 | discovering podcasts was the coolest time of my life.

01:11:57.840 | - And the interesting thing about him is it's audio.

01:12:01.680 | And so it's the voice.

01:12:03.560 | So for me, I mean, everybody has a story

01:12:05.360 | with a prostitute in a motel.

01:12:07.720 | Dan Carlin was my prostitute in the motel.

01:12:10.520 | I invited him to a motel.

01:12:11.840 | I don't even remember, in the middle of nowhere,

01:12:13.800 | he shows up with that voice, and the rest is history.

01:12:17.640 | - So good.

01:12:18.480 | - Things that we'll never know what happened.

01:12:19.920 | - 'Cause he liked you.

01:12:20.760 | - Oh boy, did he like, no, I'm just kidding.

01:12:23.360 | I'm really running with it.

01:12:24.520 | (laughing)

01:12:25.760 | Yes, we did, we got along really.

01:12:27.160 | I mean, he's an incredibly kind and thoughtful person,

01:12:29.960 | constantly self-critical,

01:12:31.120 | thinking he's not good enough.

01:12:32.320 | He just works on those episodes forever.

01:12:35.640 | - Forever.

01:12:36.960 | - And he just thinks that there's these,

01:12:39.460 | just like with Goggins,

01:12:40.520 | there's these other historians that I think weigh on him,

01:12:45.520 | like they're going to judge him or something like this.

01:12:47.600 | - Really? - In his mind.

01:12:48.600 | - I talked to him about Daniel Batali,

01:12:52.400 | and I guess his thing is,

01:12:55.560 | I guess his hangup is, Carlin's is,

01:12:59.640 | he's not like this,

01:13:01.320 | he doesn't feel like he's a real historian, but he is.

01:13:05.880 | I mean, the way he shares the story,

01:13:08.360 | look, we had a history teacher in seventh grade

01:13:10.400 | who was a con artist,

01:13:11.940 | and he came and taught our seventh grade,

01:13:14.080 | and it was a total con artist.

01:13:15.920 | All he taught us about was barnstorming,

01:13:17.680 | barnstorming and the JFK assassination.

01:13:20.480 | I walked away having such an appreciation

01:13:22.680 | for barnstorming, a very small blip on Americana,

01:13:26.520 | but I know a lot about barnstorming because of this guy,

01:13:28.760 | and because he was passionate about barnstorming.

01:13:31.200 | It was the funnest seventh grade history class

01:13:32.800 | I'll ever take in my entire life.

01:13:34.440 | - You mentioned tour bus,

01:13:37.440 | what's the best road trip you've been on?

01:13:39.920 | Have you driven across the country, just you?

01:13:42.160 | - No.

01:13:43.000 | We had one road trip in college

01:13:48.120 | where a bar had burned down,

01:13:50.880 | and we found out that the alcohol was still in the bar.

01:13:54.520 | So we took my Jetta over to the bar,

01:13:57.600 | and we emptied out the bar of all the burnt up liquor.

01:14:00.480 | We didn't know what anything was.

01:14:03.000 | We threw it into the trunk with no clothes,

01:14:04.800 | like no clothes, and we said, "Let's just start driving."

01:14:08.200 | And we drove from Tallahassee

01:14:12.080 | and ended up in West Virginia, and just drove.

01:14:15.840 | Just drove, it was like five dudes.

01:14:18.580 | We drank, one person drove.

01:14:19.840 | I wasn't a big drinker, and this sounds crazy,

01:14:22.400 | I wasn't a big drinker in college until I went to Russia.

01:14:25.600 | And so I drove the majority of the way,

01:14:26.880 | and then we'd get somewhere,

01:14:28.400 | and we'd get a hotel room.

01:14:32.120 | And it was one of the most epic fucking weekends

01:14:35.480 | of just debauchery and chaos.

01:14:38.400 | And I think we took mushrooms,

01:14:40.640 | and we went down a river in tubes.

01:14:45.440 | - So it's most about the bond between the five people.

01:14:47.480 | - Five dudes.

01:14:48.320 | - Versus throwing yourself into meeting strangers

01:14:51.520 | and this kind of stuff.

01:14:52.480 | - Yeah, and it was when I was trying

01:14:54.640 | to be a poet at that time.

01:14:55.880 | And so we were-- - Actual poetry?

01:14:57.680 | - Yeah, it was a really bad part of my life.

01:15:00.120 | - Well, music is there too somewhere.

01:15:02.800 | - Yeah, I tried to be in a band too.

01:15:04.280 | That didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

01:15:06.280 | I just was never, I always was,

01:15:07.840 | I was never the, I'm not a good serious person.

01:15:10.680 | Like I'm a good funny person.

01:15:11.900 | I'm good to be the fool, but I'm not good,

01:15:14.120 | when I try to be serious, it looks foolish.

01:15:16.880 | And so even like, someone showed me

01:15:20.440 | throwing out the first pitch the other day at something,

01:15:22.920 | and all I could see is my gut flying everywhere,

01:15:24.800 | and I was like, that's why it went viral.

01:15:26.880 | I was like, fuck, I thought it was my throwing style.

01:15:29.720 | That was a pretty epic one.

01:15:30.720 | The best road trips I ever took was during the pandemic.

01:15:33.760 | During the pandemic when we were,

01:15:35.640 | when we were doing that drive-in movie theater tour.

01:15:39.080 | I created a drive-in movie theater tour

01:15:41.500 | when no one was working.

01:15:43.080 | And the very first one, we all,

01:15:47.360 | no one had left their houses.

01:15:48.560 | We all went to my house, we got my tour bus.

01:15:50.960 | We had just wrapped, the day the tour bus showed up,

01:15:53.360 | we just wrapped the cabin,

01:15:55.360 | just wrapped doing the cabin on Netflix.

01:15:58.560 | And we got COVID tested.

01:16:00.880 | We got in the tour bus and we said,

01:16:02.120 | let's create our bubble and stay safe.

01:16:04.080 | And that night we drove, I think just outside Gallup,

01:16:08.520 | and we stayed in a, and no one had been outside.

01:16:13.400 | And we stayed at a KOA, camp on arrival,

01:16:18.040 | and we watched thunderstorms come in on a lake.

01:16:21.360 | And we were all smoking cigars and drinking IPAs.

01:16:24.640 | And it was fucking mad.

01:16:27.120 | And that whole road trip,

01:16:28.680 | we road tripped across the country to start the tours.

01:16:31.880 | And then we just, and we were outside for the first time.

01:16:34.240 | And we were, and it was that period of my life.

01:16:37.400 | I'm so grateful.

01:16:38.300 | I didn't make a ton of money 'cause we had a big crew

01:16:40.400 | and I made sure, I was trying to make sure everyone,

01:16:42.920 | 'cause no one had paid bills in a while.

01:16:45.120 | But that fucking tour was the funnest.

01:16:48.880 | We took up pickleball, we took up disc golf,

01:16:52.680 | everything was wide open.

01:16:53.760 | In the middle of the country, you could do things,

01:16:55.120 | but we were still in our bubble.

01:16:56.720 | And we lived in that tour bus.

01:16:58.080 | And at night, we'd just get back in the tour bus by ourselves

01:17:01.520 | and get fucking wasted.

01:17:03.600 | And I mean, that fucking run,

01:17:07.680 | it'll, nothing will ever be like that.

01:17:09.080 | - Yeah, because you like rediscovered the humanity,

01:17:12.160 | the camaraderie, because the pandemic kind of killed that.

01:17:15.560 | They suffocated us from like the basic connection.

01:17:18.360 | - Yeah, and there was this,

01:17:20.800 | you always had an anxiety attack halfway through

01:17:24.840 | that you got COVID, and this is when COVID

01:17:26.440 | was killing people.

01:17:27.520 | And you were like, "I know I've got COVID."

01:17:29.480 | And then we'd come in to Sedona.

01:17:32.960 | And this is also why I didn't make a ton of money.

01:17:34.640 | We'd come into Sedona and we'd get a house in Sedona

01:17:37.040 | for five days, an Airbnb, and we'd all isolate there

01:17:40.640 | before we went home to our families.

01:17:42.400 | - Yeah.

01:17:43.240 | - I remember the first time we did it, we didn't isolate.

01:17:46.440 | We just pulled back into LA

01:17:47.680 | and all our families were freaked out.

01:17:49.320 | So I had to stay, live on the tour bus

01:17:51.000 | in at a different house.

01:17:53.600 | And it was 4th of July, and I came in

01:17:56.600 | and they were doing an egg toss.

01:17:58.200 | And they're like, "Well, you can do an egg toss."

01:17:59.800 | Then this is how bad my anxiety gets.

01:18:01.520 | "You can do an egg toss with your daughter, Isla."

01:18:03.000 | So Isla and I did an egg toss,

01:18:04.360 | and we fucking got it to like legit,

01:18:07.880 | like 40 fucking feet where I was throwing overhand,

01:18:11.320 | lobbing them to her.

01:18:13.120 | And the egg cracked in her hands and it broke over her face.

01:18:16.000 | And I got in bed that night, high on,

01:18:17.560 | weed, fucking drunk.

01:18:19.600 | And I went, "What if I gave my daughter COVID

01:18:21.840 | "from an egg toss?"

01:18:23.480 | I go, "That would be the most horrific way

01:18:25.280 | "to kill a child."

01:18:27.040 | And she got it from an egg toss.

01:18:28.200 | It broke in her face.

01:18:29.040 | Her dad did COVID, yeah.

01:18:31.320 | - I mean, that's the scariest thing about COVID,

01:18:34.700 | I think, is not you dying,

01:18:36.880 | but because of you, somebody else dies.

01:18:40.120 | - Oh, I got it.

01:18:40.960 | - That's the fear I think that really

01:18:44.480 | like took hold on people.

01:18:46.080 | That's why they were way more cautious

01:18:48.840 | than perhaps they needed to be.

01:18:50.320 | It's just like, I don't wanna be the guy

01:18:51.920 | that's responsible for killing somebody I love

01:18:54.440 | or somebody that somebody else loves.

01:18:57.520 | - Leanne gave everyone in our family COVID.

01:18:59.840 | She came up to me and she gave me a hug after Christmas

01:19:04.040 | and gives me a hug.

01:19:07.720 | I said, "What's the matter?"

01:19:08.560 | And she goes, "I think I have COVID."

01:19:09.960 | I go, "Bitch, six feet.

01:19:11.760 | "The fuck you doing?"

01:19:12.760 | Back it up, Fauci.

01:19:13.760 | Like fucking, and then she, we went,

01:19:16.240 | we went, oh, and then she had it and it went away

01:19:19.440 | and we're all fine.

01:19:20.440 | And we're like, "Okay."

01:19:21.720 | We're like, "We can still go to Park City."

01:19:23.200 | So we all go to Park City.

01:19:24.500 | Then Georgia gets COVID.

01:19:26.200 | And then Georgia starts crying.

01:19:27.320 | And she goes, "I think I gave you COVID."

01:19:28.760 | And I was like, "I'm fine."

01:19:29.600 | She goes, "You're at high risk."

01:19:30.600 | And I'm like, "What?"

01:19:31.420 | She's like, "You're a fat alcoholic."

01:19:32.720 | I'm like, "Whoa, easy.

01:19:33.560 | "Where the fuck, what about feelings?"

01:19:35.480 | And then Georgia got COVID.

01:19:37.040 | Me and Isla were still in Park City.

01:19:38.600 | Leanne had it.

01:19:39.680 | My tour bus came up, picked George up.

01:19:41.640 | George and Leanne took him back to LA.

01:19:42.880 | And I was, Isla and I were there and I tested.

01:19:46.120 | And then we get on the plane and I cough

01:19:49.440 | and Isla's got her mask on.

01:19:50.800 | Isla just looks at me, you know, the best.

01:19:52.520 | The one thing we miss are the eyes over masks.

01:19:54.800 | The, and then we get home and I had COVID.

01:19:57.960 | And Isla's like, "If you gave me fucking COVID."

01:20:00.960 | And then she never got COVID.

01:20:02.200 | She never got COVID.

01:20:03.200 | - You mentioned IPAs.

01:20:06.560 | What's the lay of the land of great beers

01:20:09.680 | in this expansive world of ours?

01:20:12.760 | - I like pilsners.

01:20:13.720 | I'm a pilsner guy.

01:20:14.600 | I'm an ice cold beer guy.

01:20:16.360 | - Ice cold pilsner.

01:20:17.600 | - I like an ice cold beer.

01:20:19.320 | I like an ice cold.

01:20:21.640 | One of the best beer buzzes I ever had is,

01:20:24.700 | we had bought a new house, but we weren't building it.

01:20:28.280 | And over COVID, I didn't drink for like three months,

01:20:30.740 | four months, until we decided to go back out on tour.

01:20:34.320 | And we figured that out.

01:20:35.520 | And I was in the backyard and Leanne came back

01:20:37.160 | with like two tall boy, German pilsners and cracked them.

01:20:41.520 | She goes, "Let's have a beer."

01:20:42.960 | And I was like, "Fuck yeah."

01:20:44.880 | And man, that second, that beer buzz

01:20:47.880 | is different than anything.

01:20:49.440 | The second it touches you, you feel the sparkle

01:20:52.960 | and you're just like, "Yeah, baby, I'm back."

01:20:56.680 | And then she's like, "You want another one?"

01:20:58.360 | I'm like, "Fuck yeah."

01:21:00.120 | And then we have another one.

01:21:00.960 | And then that beer buzz is,

01:21:03.360 | especially afternoon beer buzz, is just so pretty.

01:21:07.560 | It's different than a night beer buzz.

01:21:08.840 | A night beer buzz is like, "Oh, I guess we'll have a beer

01:21:11.040 | and then I'll have a couple.

01:21:11.880 | I gotta go to work tomorrow.

01:21:12.700 | All right."

01:21:13.540 | But that afternoon, irresponsible beer buzz, pilsner.

01:21:18.040 | Pilsner, I don't mind an IPA,

01:21:20.120 | but I gotta be at somewhere.

01:21:23.560 | I gotta be at somewhere.

01:21:24.680 | They gotta have an IPA, like a local IPA.

01:21:27.160 | There's gotta be food involved.

01:21:28.940 | And then I'm enjoying an IPA.

01:21:31.120 | I threw up an IPA in a bathtub in Salt Lake City one time.

01:21:36.120 | It was bad.

01:21:38.280 | - What do you mean?

01:21:39.100 | Oh, you threw up in the bathtub, okay.

01:21:40.280 | - No, no, no.

01:21:41.120 | I was drinking in the bathtub.

01:21:42.360 | - Like bathtub with some water in it?

01:21:44.280 | - No, no, no, no.

01:21:45.200 | - You're sitting in a bathtub.

01:21:46.120 | - No, I'm getting ready to take a shower.

01:21:47.880 | And I had a growler of IPA.

01:21:49.800 | It's about six in the morning.

01:21:51.600 | I have to fly that day to Vegas

01:21:53.200 | to jump off the stratosphere.

01:21:55.280 | All I need is a little bit of a buzz

01:21:57.260 | to get myself on this fucking plane.

01:21:58.920 | I have anxiety going through my fucking head

01:22:01.320 | 'cause I'm gonna be the first person

01:22:02.640 | to jump off the stratosphere.

01:22:04.340 | And so I'm drinking an IPA out of a growler

01:22:06.880 | in a bathtub at six in the morning.

01:22:09.880 | And it just didn't sit right.

01:22:11.720 | And I threw it up.

01:22:12.640 | And I was off IPAs for like 10 fucking years.

01:22:16.080 | I didn't have another IPA until I was like 46.

01:22:19.640 | 'Cause I was like, all I could think about

01:22:21.440 | was throwing up that IPA in a bathtub,

01:22:24.420 | in a shower and being like,

01:22:25.760 | "I'm gonna throw up thinking about it."

01:22:28.720 | But yeah, I didn't fuck with IPAs for a while.

01:22:30.680 | And then during the pandemic, I got back into IPAs.

01:22:33.680 | - I was that way with Jack and Coke,

01:22:35.480 | Jack Daniels and Coke.

01:22:37.060 | - Really?

01:22:37.900 | - I was so drunk many, many years ago

01:22:40.020 | that just couldn't look at it for a few years.

01:22:43.820 | - I can't touch, what's Janis Joplin's drink?

01:22:48.620 | Southern Comfort.

01:22:49.460 | I can't touch Southern Comfort.

01:22:50.580 | - She's just drinking straight?

01:22:52.340 | But Southern Comfort is at 40%.

01:22:53.660 | That's hard, right?

01:22:54.500 | - No, it's almost like a liqueur.

01:22:56.220 | Honestly, it's really sweet.

01:22:57.860 | Jack, Double Jack on the Rocks, lots of rocks.

01:23:01.340 | I mean, I had a quote that,

01:23:02.340 | I got a video that went viral about,

01:23:04.740 | "I'll never quit drinking."

01:23:06.360 | And I have not gotten on a plane since that

01:23:09.620 | without having a flight attendant

01:23:10.860 | not even ask what I want.

01:23:12.580 | Walk up with a Double Jack on the Rocks, lots of rocks.

01:23:15.060 | I mean, it happens.

01:23:16.300 | So on times I don't wanna drink.

01:23:18.660 | - Yeah.

01:23:19.500 | - I flew to Austin the other day,

01:23:20.320 | I was like, "I'm not drinking."

01:23:21.220 | On the plane, 'cause I felt sick.

01:23:23.500 | And man, he walked up and he goes,

01:23:25.880 | "Double Jack on the Rocks, lots of rocks."

01:23:27.340 | I was like, "Fuck, you know it."

01:23:28.700 | - Yeah.

01:23:29.540 | - But yeah, that's my drink.

01:23:30.920 | Wait, what's your drink?

01:23:33.940 | I thought you'd be a vodka guy.

01:23:36.480 | - Well, vodka I associate with a lot of moments

01:23:41.480 | in my life of happiness.

01:23:43.040 | Because vodka is associated with shots and camaraderie.

01:23:47.280 | And there's Eastern Europe in general.

01:23:50.240 | A bunch of guys get together

01:23:52.720 | and you celebrate life intensely.

01:23:55.320 | - Yeah.

01:23:56.160 | - People fight, people just feel,

01:23:58.600 | people experience life in a deep way.

01:24:01.120 | You just get too drunk for a reason.

01:24:05.620 | But I don't see that as drinking drinking.

01:24:09.380 | That's like a journey towards a destination.

01:24:13.100 | To me, drinking is like whiskey neat.

01:24:17.160 | Or beer, like you said, ice cold beer.

01:24:18.980 | - Yeah.

01:24:19.820 | - There's that afternoon beer.

01:24:21.180 | For a person like me,

01:24:22.140 | who's extremely regimented and disciplined,

01:24:25.340 | sometimes you get to a situation.

01:24:28.380 | I just remember, I mean,

01:24:29.300 | I remember there's a bar at MIT

01:24:31.740 | where I just remember in the afternoon,

01:24:33.580 | there was a business meeting.

01:24:35.100 | I sat down, we started with a beer.

01:24:37.380 | And they were really crisply cold, some kind of lager.

01:24:41.860 | And then just one beer and two beers.

01:24:43.860 | And all of a sudden you say, fuck it.

01:24:46.100 | Let's just, the rest of the day, this is what this is.

01:24:49.740 | And you said, Bright,

01:24:51.020 | nature is beautiful out there.

01:24:54.940 | And you just said, fuck it to all the meetings.

01:24:57.460 | Fuck it to everything else.

01:24:59.260 | Just the camaraderie,

01:25:01.620 | the just talking about life, being silly,

01:25:04.580 | being all of that.

01:25:06.020 | - See, you're describing something I'll never get.

01:25:08.900 | 'Cause I'm not regimented.

01:25:10.220 | I would love, I would love,

01:25:13.780 | I would love, only for the moment that you get to have.

01:25:16.660 | You get the most precious little angel's breath

01:25:19.220 | that anyone's gonna get.

01:25:20.500 | Because you live this life that's dialed in

01:25:23.740 | and it's scheduled.

01:25:25.060 | And so when you say, fuck it,

01:25:27.300 | it's like, that's like me doing coke.

01:25:29.380 | Like, it's like, oh, fuck it.

01:25:31.020 | And you can just do that with beer.

01:25:33.500 | That is fucking amazing.

01:25:35.980 | I would love to live a regimented life

01:25:39.140 | just to get the chance to go,

01:25:41.660 | hey guys, I'm not performing surgery today.

01:25:44.740 | Fuck it.

01:25:46.380 | Hey guys, this bus full of kids,

01:25:48.740 | kid's gotta drive itself home.

01:25:50.700 | Fuck it.

01:25:51.860 | I couldn't even tell you,

01:25:53.940 | you know what's so interesting about me and you

01:25:56.740 | is like, you know I'm a fan of yours.

01:25:58.900 | I couldn't even, I don't really know what AI is.

01:26:01.380 | Other than like, dildos are AI, right?

01:26:05.300 | - Like if it has some electronics in it.

01:26:08.940 | - Yeah, if it has electronics it's--

01:26:10.500 | - No, I don't think a dildo classifies as a robot.

01:26:13.300 | - 'Cause I thought that's how they were gonna take over

01:26:14.980 | fucking mankind.

01:26:16.180 | Well, they start with the fucking womanizer

01:26:19.540 | that knows how to eat a pussy

01:26:20.580 | and then they're like, we don't need men anymore.

01:26:22.220 | But it's so interesting that I couldn't even,

01:26:24.980 | like I can barely tell you what my dad does for a living.

01:26:27.460 | He's a lawyer, I could kind of,

01:26:29.180 | like he's called me and said,

01:26:30.140 | hey man, you gotta stop talking about what I do

01:26:31.580 | 'cause you're not doing it right.

01:26:33.220 | I go, what do you mean?

01:26:34.060 | He's like, whatever you're saying I do, I don't do.

01:26:36.940 | And so, but like I couldn't even begin

01:26:40.060 | to explain your job to my daughter.

01:26:42.180 | - Well, I think there's the way you do the job

01:26:45.700 | which is the way you experience life,

01:26:47.820 | the regimented, even just a nine to five job, right?

01:26:51.940 | - Do you work nine to five?

01:26:52.900 | - No, but I work much more than that.

01:26:55.900 | But there's no, every kind of lifestyle

01:26:59.460 | has its complexities.

01:27:00.820 | I think nine to five means you have to wake up

01:27:03.020 | at a certain time every day.

01:27:04.540 | - Do people tell you to pull it back

01:27:06.540 | and they're like, hey, you're working too hard?

01:27:07.940 | - Yeah, a lot of people.

01:27:09.260 | What I want in my life, what I love in my life,

01:27:11.820 | especially people close to me

01:27:13.020 | are the ones that say work harder.

01:27:15.180 | 'Cause everybody--

01:27:16.220 | - How do you get them?

01:27:17.300 | - How do you get them?

01:27:18.140 | - I don't have anyone in my life that does that.

01:27:19.780 | - Everybody's always worried about me.

01:27:21.740 | - Yeah, everyone's worried about me.

01:27:24.260 | Everyone's always worried about me.

01:27:25.180 | The only thing, no one ever says,

01:27:27.500 | if I showed you my DMs right now, my texts,

01:27:30.220 | all it is is like, hey man, I'm worried about you.

01:27:32.420 | Like Joe, I love Joe to death.

01:27:35.060 | Not once has he, he always,

01:27:37.700 | I don't know if you've seen the caring Joe eyes

01:27:40.020 | where like, I'm worried about you.

01:27:41.700 | Where it's like,

01:27:42.540 | and you're like, hey man, don't do that.

01:27:46.900 | And he's like, I'm worried about you.

01:27:48.420 | And you're like, don't fucking worry about me.

01:27:49.940 | I'm working, I'm just working.

01:27:51.900 | I love working, I love what I do.

01:27:54.300 | I love what I do.

01:27:55.860 | I can only imagine that you love what you do

01:27:57.900 | as much as I love what I do.

01:27:59.380 | Because that's all I ever wanna think about.

01:28:00.700 | It's all I ever wanna talk about.

01:28:01.740 | It's all I ever wanna be like,

01:28:03.340 | when my wife wants me to take August in,

01:28:08.740 | whatever the, August, whatever the fucking other month is.

01:28:11.300 | - September, that's coming after August.

01:28:13.140 | - No, but like July and August off,

01:28:14.860 | after we do fully loaded.

01:28:16.660 | And I was like, no.

01:28:19.860 | I was like, what do you mean?

01:28:20.700 | Like, so like, well, I'll just,

01:28:22.180 | am I gonna like sit in a chair and stuff?

01:28:24.420 | She's like, no, you can do, like take up a hobby.

01:28:25.940 | I go, writing jokes?

01:28:28.100 | Can I get on stage?

01:28:28.940 | Can I do sets in the city?

01:28:30.420 | 'Cause I'm not gonna fucking,

01:28:31.940 | do you want me to like,

01:28:33.020 | like, I don't understand people who don't,

01:28:35.060 | I don't understand people who don't have the drive

01:28:36.660 | to work all the time.

01:28:38.500 | I don't understand that.

01:28:39.660 | I envy it.

01:28:40.500 | I envy it 'cause I go, I would love to just be like,

01:28:43.220 | I'm gonna play video games.

01:28:44.660 | I can't play a video game.

01:28:46.700 | If I did, I'd be on Twitch trying to make money.

01:28:48.780 | Like, I love, how do you find someone who goes,

01:28:51.340 | you need to work harder?

01:28:52.580 | - Yeah, especially when they see like,

01:28:55.100 | I don't know what you look like,

01:28:56.380 | but I look tormented when I'm working very hard.

01:28:59.700 | Like, it means, like, it's easy to worry for my wellbeing.

01:29:04.460 | It's not like I'm happy go lucky,

01:29:06.220 | but I'm happy underneath it.

01:29:08.380 | - My working too hard is like on a plane

01:29:11.820 | every other day or every day,

01:29:14.220 | getting up at six, working out,

01:29:16.500 | and then going until like two in the morning

01:29:19.500 | or one in the morning, and then going to sleep,

01:29:21.380 | and then getting up at six, working out,

01:29:23.300 | getting on a plane, going to another place.

01:29:25.860 | Like, that's what my working,

01:29:26.860 | it's just a lot of travel in mind.

01:29:28.900 | If I didn't drink on planes,

01:29:29.780 | I don't think anyone would probably worry about me at all.

01:29:31.540 | They'd be like, no, you're doing great.

01:29:32.740 | - But the working out is there.

01:29:34.100 | So I gotta ask you, 'cause you and I seem to have

01:29:36.300 | a similar relationship with running.

01:29:38.180 | I like this idea of a slow treadmill.

01:29:40.740 | I like running slow.

01:29:44.460 | Like a 10 minute mile or something like this,

01:29:46.780 | I'll just run forever.

01:29:48.540 | Just listen to an audio book, listen to brown noise,

01:29:51.380 | think, I love it.

01:29:53.300 | - What's brown noise?

01:29:54.620 | - It's actually brownian noise, but short brown noise.

01:29:58.220 | It's kind of like white noise, but deeper.

01:30:00.020 | So it's just noise like, shh, that.

01:30:03.660 | - Oh, wow.

01:30:04.500 | - It kind of sounds like a waterfall.

01:30:05.940 | And I'll just listen to it and something happens to me.

01:30:08.180 | I think there's, you can ask Huberman about this,

01:30:10.340 | I don't know, but apparently there's some science

01:30:12.460 | that kind of focuses the mind and so on.

01:30:15.020 | - It's funny, 'cause I think sometimes

01:30:17.540 | what people don't get about running is they go,

01:30:20.820 | they get on and they put it on like a six right away

01:30:23.180 | on like a treadmill, and they go,

01:30:24.660 | I can't do this for fucking 30 minutes.

01:30:26.860 | But you can if you build yourself up to your six

01:30:30.300 | and you play games, I play games with myself a lot.

01:30:32.420 | Like I'll play games where I go,

01:30:34.020 | and I can do this, I can do this,

01:30:37.380 | I can do this almost, not all day long,

01:30:39.340 | but I can do this a lot longer.

01:30:41.100 | Like I did it for two hours the other day

01:30:43.340 | before my workout, or no, hour and a half

01:30:45.100 | before my workout, where I started at 3.5 walking,

01:30:49.580 | and then I get my jog up to like a five,

01:30:53.460 | and then I'm like 5.5, then I go six,

01:30:55.620 | and then I go, and once I'm at a six,

01:30:57.340 | my body's really loose.

01:30:58.860 | And so then I'll go, all right, bring it down to a 3.5.

01:31:00.940 | And then I go, punch it to a 7.5 for a quarter of a mile.

01:31:03.860 | And then let's walk at a four, let's jog at a five.

01:31:07.580 | I can do that.

01:31:08.540 | I love, they're called fartlets, I think.

01:31:11.900 | And I love those, like where it's like,

01:31:14.740 | it's regimented running and sprinting at certain levels.

01:31:18.640 | I love that.

01:31:19.480 | And I love also, when I work out,

01:31:22.180 | to listen to music, but put on

01:31:23.540 | foreign language cooking shows on Netflix.

01:31:26.540 | - Can you explain that?

01:31:27.460 | - They just put it on mute, you don't need to hear it.

01:31:29.620 | For some reason, they're sexier,

01:31:30.980 | the way they're shot, they're sexier.

01:31:32.780 | And it's like, street food Asia,

01:31:35.180 | and they're just watching them make street food in Asia.

01:31:37.340 | There's one called broth.

01:31:38.420 | It's called broth, the nation of broth.

01:31:40.820 | And they're just making broths.

01:31:42.180 | And you're like, fuck, I want some broth.

01:31:44.300 | - So this is South America, this is Asia.

01:31:46.260 | - South America, Asia.

01:31:47.580 | They do one on pizzas.

01:31:50.340 | I've watched this one on pizzas, that I've watched it.

01:31:53.580 | There's like four episodes.

01:31:55.020 | I've watched every episode so many times

01:31:56.860 | that my trainer goes, God, that's that fucking,

01:31:59.740 | I could watch that again.

01:32:00.980 | I love watching foreign language cooking shows on mute

01:32:05.780 | when I work out.

01:32:06.620 | - While blasting music.

01:32:07.700 | - While blasting hip hop.

01:32:08.540 | - She's there.

01:32:09.380 | All right, well, I usually run outside,

01:32:13.380 | but I do this.

01:32:14.220 | - Oh, I can't.

01:32:15.060 | I don't mind hiking.

01:32:16.140 | And I like, I do, like, you know what my fun thing,

01:32:18.220 | the fun thing I would do, and this is ripped off

01:32:21.380 | totally from Kam Haines, is I like to go,

01:32:24.500 | there's a great hike called Framing Canyon

01:32:28.020 | out in the valley where I live.

01:32:30.140 | And I'd be like, all right, I'm gonna run to Framing Canyon,

01:32:32.580 | I'm gonna jog to Framing Canyon,

01:32:33.740 | I'm gonna hike Framing Canyon,

01:32:35.020 | and then I'm gonna jog back.

01:32:37.420 | And then I go, I wonder how long that is.

01:32:39.460 | And I go, don't think about it.

01:32:41.220 | Just know that that's your thing.

01:32:42.700 | Just know that that's your thing.

01:32:44.340 | And then all of a sudden you're like, shit,

01:32:45.300 | that was eight miles?

01:32:46.740 | You're like, that's a fucking beast.

01:32:48.420 | The hike doesn't even feel like anything.

01:32:50.220 | The hike, once you do the jog, is the hard part there.

01:32:52.500 | The jog home is a fucking cakewalk.

01:32:56.340 | I had the best jog when I was in Serbia.

01:32:58.740 | I had the best jog, I think it was in Hyde Park,

01:33:01.300 | I think the name of the park's Hyde Park.

01:33:03.620 | It was, get this, it was 80% downhill.

01:33:07.420 | - Wow.

01:33:08.260 | - So this jog, you start at the park,

01:33:10.620 | and it was like, and I'll do it like this for you.

01:33:12.460 | You went like, downhill like this,

01:33:15.260 | downhill like this, downhill like this,

01:33:18.380 | and then it was like a little steep incline

01:33:20.820 | to get to the beginning of it.

01:33:22.220 | So it was like a little nice lower back pain,

01:33:25.780 | and you're like, okay, okay, and then the jog was perfect.

01:33:28.980 | And you did it four times, it was four miles.

01:33:30.620 | I loved it.

01:33:31.460 | And then the very first day I did it,

01:33:33.060 | a butterfly got in front of me,

01:33:35.200 | it's like six in the morning,

01:33:36.820 | yeah, six in the morning,

01:33:37.820 | and a butterfly got in front of me.

01:33:39.540 | And it ran the whole first mile in front of me,

01:33:41.420 | and I just, it was like so surreal.

01:33:43.180 | It would disappear, and then it would show back up

01:33:44.940 | in front of me.

01:33:45.780 | - You sure it was real?

01:33:46.620 | - Yeah, definitely real.

01:33:47.820 | And then the next day, and so I go, I'm on the right path.

01:33:50.620 | I'm on the right path.

01:33:51.780 | The next day I go for a jog, six in the morning,

01:33:53.900 | and it rained, and as I'm doing this steep uphill incline,

01:33:58.020 | a tree collapsed in front of me.

01:33:59.540 | Just went, and I went, whoa, a tree fell in the woods,

01:34:03.620 | and I was here to see it.

01:34:05.140 | Shut the fuck up.

01:34:05.980 | I was like, that's crazy, and it didn't hit me.

01:34:07.980 | I'm on the right path.

01:34:09.340 | And then I started getting over thinking it.

01:34:10.780 | Like the next day I saw Condom,

01:34:11.860 | and I was like, this is a good place to go.

01:34:13.700 | I was like, people fucked here last night.

01:34:14.940 | But yeah, that was one of the best jogs I've ever had.

01:34:17.540 | I could do that, I could run that park every single day.

01:34:19.340 | No one jogged that park in Serbia.

01:34:21.560 | - I actually recently had Condom on my doorstep,

01:34:25.660 | and I wanted to ask whoever is up there above

01:34:29.660 | what that means, what the story behind that is.

01:34:34.660 | - Yeah.

01:34:36.900 | Just a pissed off UPS guy.

01:34:39.800 | Was it compromised?

01:34:42.460 | - What do you mean compromised?

01:34:43.460 | - Like was there stuff inside it?

01:34:44.900 | - Oh, I didn't look.

01:34:45.740 | - I mean, very few people put on the Condom

01:34:47.820 | and go, it's not for me, I'm gonna take it off.

01:34:49.660 | It's a little tight.

01:34:50.500 | - Well, it could be to send a message,

01:34:52.420 | like a horse's head kind of thing.

01:34:53.860 | - Oh yeah.

01:34:54.700 | I don't know what the message is exactly.

01:34:56.740 | - Do you use Condoms?

01:34:57.580 | If you had a one night stand, would you use a Condom?

01:34:59.380 | - I don't know what a Condom is.

01:35:00.700 | I never heard of it.

01:35:01.540 | - Good call.

01:35:02.540 | - I'm learning.

01:35:03.380 | - Good call.

01:35:04.900 | - I've learned about sex from you today.

01:35:06.980 | - If my wife dies, there's no Condoms in my future.

01:35:09.460 | I'll get it, I don't care.

01:35:10.460 | I have babies, I don't give a shit.

01:35:12.220 | - You're a man of principle, I like it.

01:35:16.040 | Mark Maron wrote something about your book

01:35:18.140 | many, many, many ages ago, "Life of the Party".

01:35:21.700 | I think there's an interesting question in there.

01:35:23.760 | So first of all, wrote eloquently about you.

01:35:26.860 | "Burke Kreischer is one of the great American wild men.

01:35:31.860 | "A gonzo warrior driven not by cynicism

01:35:34.300 | "or a desire to reveal a dark truth,

01:35:35.940 | "but instead by a deep, almost essential need

01:35:38.700 | "to have a good time, no matter what.

01:35:41.180 | "His stories track the trials and tribulations

01:35:43.620 | "of a big hearted dude trying to fit in,

01:35:46.240 | "help out and party and find himself.

01:35:48.560 | "After all is said and done,

01:35:50.220 | "we arrive with him at the true humility of joy."

01:35:53.420 | So when was this desire for pure joy born in you?

01:35:58.100 | It seems like you are driven towards this joy.

01:36:03.100 | - Yeah.

01:36:05.660 | I think,

01:36:08.660 | I think I arrived at it in college.

01:36:13.260 | I wasn't always the guy I am.

01:36:14.540 | I was really a pretty serious dude when I got to college.

01:36:17.620 | - Like dark brooding serious?

01:36:19.540 | - Yeah, I wanted to be like Eddie Vedder.

01:36:21.620 | I wanted to be like a poet and a fucking lead singer.

01:36:24.420 | And I wanted to be taken seriously

01:36:26.300 | and I wanted to be attractive.

01:36:27.420 | And I wanted to be, you know, like,

01:36:29.280 | I wanted to be wanted by chicks and respected by dudes.

01:36:34.460 | And, you know, and slowly but surely,

01:36:39.220 | I think the bird eye really am chipped away at that

01:36:41.700 | and was like, "Hey man."

01:36:43.980 | Like I would say funny,

01:36:45.220 | I would say funny things that would surprise me

01:36:47.180 | they were so funny.

01:36:48.260 | Meaning like in my fraternity,

01:36:49.940 | I'd say things that were the funniest thing that I go,

01:36:53.500 | "How did I think of that?"

01:36:55.340 | And then slowly I was like,

01:36:56.740 | and I remember as I chipped away at that

01:37:01.060 | and as I got older,

01:37:02.320 | I would lean towards that.

01:37:08.340 | We would go on a bus trip to like Clemson

01:37:10.940 | and I would get on the walkie talkie on the bus

01:37:14.460 | and I would do standup for like an hour.

01:37:16.560 | I just make jokes for an hour.

01:37:18.780 | And I loved the impulse of like, you know,

01:37:22.500 | you get on the bus and everyone's like,

01:37:23.500 | "We're gonna drink."

01:37:24.340 | And you get that one group of girls

01:37:25.180 | that wasn't gonna drink and then to break them.

01:37:27.740 | And they're like, "Oh, fuck it, fine, let's drink."

01:37:29.640 | And then that, to watch that happen.

01:37:33.140 | And I think then once I, and then when I went to Russia,

01:37:36.220 | this is so cliche for me to say,

01:37:38.720 | but interacting with those young banditi,

01:37:41.900 | they were pretty serious dudes.

01:37:45.640 | They didn't have like, they were pretty stoic dudes.

01:37:48.760 | And when you could make them laugh,

01:37:51.580 | it was like a real, it was a real joy.

01:37:54.020 | The silliest things.

01:37:55.180 | I remember, you know, we were told there was a club,

01:37:58.620 | it's called, it was called Cafe Europa

01:38:01.940 | or maybe Cafe Americana.

01:38:03.780 | There's where everyone really hung out.

01:38:05.180 | Like all the real dudes, the real dudes

01:38:07.260 | in St. Petersburg.

01:38:10.700 | And they had told us that like,

01:38:12.860 | they told us in our class that Russian women

01:38:16.100 | didn't have tampons.

01:38:17.780 | So they were like, "Bring tampons

01:38:19.880 | to give to the babushka, the dvuchka that ran the floor."

01:38:24.000 | - After all this time,

01:38:25.440 | the fact that you're Russian sucks is awesome.

01:38:27.960 | - Yeah, it's--

01:38:28.800 | - 'Cause you keep mispronouncing words horribly.

01:38:31.120 | - Horribly, I'm so fucking bad.

01:38:33.280 | I am so bad.

01:38:34.520 | You know, that's how I got the name of the machine, right?

01:38:37.000 | - Yeah.

01:38:37.840 | - I was trying to say I'm a man.

01:38:38.660 | - Yeah.

01:38:39.500 | - And I said I'm a car.

01:38:40.320 | - Yeah.

01:38:41.160 | - And they just were like, "Huh?"

01:38:42.760 | And so I came into the room one night

01:38:45.320 | with a top pocket full of tampons.

01:38:47.680 | - Yeah.

01:38:48.520 | - And they were like, "What are those for?"

01:38:49.800 | I said, "Girls, we're gonna pick up girls."

01:38:51.760 | And the look on their face was so,

01:38:55.160 | it was so pure joy.

01:38:56.940 | I remember the first night I pulled out lemons.

01:38:58.720 | And this is, it sounds make-believe now to say it

01:39:02.200 | 'cause it's been in the movie.

01:39:03.040 | And I brought out lemons, we were in lemon drops.

01:39:05.520 | I had vodka and lemons and sugar and a pocket knife

01:39:08.760 | and a fanny pack.

01:39:10.200 | And I put out lemons and this guy Igor goes,

01:39:13.240 | "Oh, the machine runs on lemons?"

01:39:15.720 | Like it was just so foreign

01:39:16.800 | that you would need lemon for them.

01:39:18.480 | - Yeah.

01:39:19.320 | - And so I think, and I made friends with those guys.

01:39:21.600 | Like friends, whatever you can.

01:39:23.760 | But definitely me and that guy Igor were legit friends.

01:39:27.440 | Legit friends.

01:39:29.280 | - But from a place of joy, like rejoicing in life.

01:39:31.840 | - It was like real.

01:39:32.760 | - Seeing them light up.

01:39:33.840 | - And then I remember backpacking through Europe after that

01:39:36.560 | and realizing I could bring a spark of fun

01:39:40.120 | to like a campfire.

01:39:41.680 | And I had little tricks.

01:39:42.760 | I learned all the currencies around the world.

01:39:45.320 | And so I'd challenge people to a currency game.

01:39:48.240 | I go, let's go head to head.

01:39:50.160 | You say, you name a country in the currency

01:39:52.640 | and I'll name a country in the currency.

01:39:54.600 | And I would slow roll them.

01:39:56.240 | I just do all the dollars, right?

01:39:58.080 | The Chinese dollar, the American dollar,

01:39:59.440 | the Australian dollar.

01:40:00.280 | I'd run through all the dollars

01:40:01.120 | and they'd be like, "You only know the dollars."

01:40:02.720 | And then I'd start getting really deep.

01:40:05.360 | I could make an event out of a night.

01:40:08.840 | In Europe, I could make an event.

01:40:10.520 | I remember we were in Strasbourg

01:40:13.480 | and the bar was supposed to close,

01:40:15.560 | but I had friends coming to the bar.

01:40:17.280 | The train hadn't gotten in yet.

01:40:20.880 | And I said, "Don't close the bar.

01:40:24.320 | "I'll stand on the bar

01:40:25.760 | "and I'll entertain everyone in this room.

01:40:27.280 | "I'll dance, I'll do whatever

01:40:28.600 | "if you just keep the bar open."

01:40:30.200 | And the guy goes, "If you can keep me laughing,

01:40:32.600 | "I'll keep the bar open."

01:40:34.080 | And I danced and made this guy laugh on a bar

01:40:39.080 | for legit, I'm not even, like legit 30 minutes

01:40:43.720 | until my friends walked in and they're like,

01:40:45.180 | "What the fuck's going on?"

01:40:47.080 | I had this ability to, without humility,

01:40:51.840 | I didn't mind looking like a fool

01:40:53.440 | and doing, and they were really stupid jokes at the time,

01:40:56.680 | just very base American frat boy jokes.

01:41:00.420 | But I had a spark and when I came back,

01:41:01.880 | I feel like I learned how to do that

01:41:05.240 | and do funny things that were fun.

01:41:07.720 | We'd go to a football game

01:41:09.240 | and I brought a camera around with me a lot.

01:41:11.560 | I like to take pictures.

01:41:13.420 | And I remember one of the jokes I'd go is,

01:41:15.680 | I'd go, "Hey, everybody,

01:41:16.960 | "I told my parents I have a lot of friends.

01:41:18.500 | "Can you guys gather around and we'll take a picture?"

01:41:20.840 | And so, 50 people would lean around like, "Hey!"

01:41:24.200 | And just the dumbest, silliest things.

01:41:27.280 | And I wasn't a big self-promoter,

01:41:31.120 | so these would happen and I was just doing them

01:41:33.680 | for me and my friends.

01:41:35.920 | I'd bring a guitar out and I'd just make up songs.

01:41:38.480 | So I think in watching this serious Bert

01:41:46.320 | get chipped away at until my six and a half year of college

01:41:49.640 | where it was just this silly guy

01:41:52.200 | and then Rolling Stones written about me

01:41:54.520 | and I'm like, and I remember a couple serious dads going,

01:41:58.500 | "Yo, you got a chance to turn this into something.

01:42:01.020 | "You need to go to, you need to follow your dream."

01:42:02.920 | And I tried to stand up the first night

01:42:04.720 | and I was like, maybe not wasn't the funniest guy,

01:42:07.440 | but man, they laughed and we had a good time

01:42:09.880 | for 30 minutes and it worked

01:42:11.320 | and it was stream of consciousness.

01:42:13.360 | And I was like, yeah.

01:42:14.200 | And then of course, that same little path you take

01:42:16.820 | gets convoluted in New York

01:42:18.720 | 'cause you wanna be a serious comic

01:42:19.960 | and you wanna be taken seriously

01:42:21.440 | and you wanna be edgy and you wanna say the,

01:42:23.160 | and then slowly but surely,

01:42:24.720 | the real Bert chips away at it

01:42:26.000 | and he's like, "Yo, man,

01:42:27.040 | "just fucking take your shirt off and kill a beer.

01:42:29.060 | "Like fucking tell the machine story.

01:42:30.240 | "Tell a story about your stupid kids.

01:42:31.960 | "Like just, you don't need to be

01:42:33.080 | "the fucking edgiest dude in the room.

01:42:34.220 | "Leave that to the good ones.

01:42:36.060 | "Let Bill and fucking Joe and Tom,

01:42:39.740 | "those are the legit fucking gangster comics.

01:42:42.760 | "I mean, those are the fucking,

01:42:45.160 | "you're never gonna out fucking Chappelle.

01:42:48.340 | "Those guys are fucking gangsters.

01:42:50.160 | "Do what you do, have fun, make life fun

01:42:52.580 | "and seize the day and fucking try to bring a spark

01:42:55.340 | "to people and let them forget about their fucking day."

01:42:58.160 | - And the interesting thing about alcohol

01:43:00.680 | that I've, I don't really like drinking

01:43:03.560 | in terms of the actual physical,

01:43:05.040 | like how it makes me feel,

01:43:06.380 | but there's the camaraderie that happens.

01:43:08.940 | I wish there was another way to get there,

01:43:12.180 | but I don't think there is.

01:43:13.380 | That joy you get of just everybody getting together

01:43:16.420 | and taking shots or drinking,

01:43:18.340 | not the polite kind of drinking,

01:43:19.620 | but just everybody just the fuck it kind of drinking.

01:43:23.220 | - Yeah, and when someone goes, "All right, I'm in."

01:43:25.740 | Like that's the funnest.

01:43:27.940 | And then especially when you have a big group

01:43:30.300 | and there's like a big group.

01:43:31.380 | And like we were at the premiere the other night

01:43:33.100 | and I was working, I was legit working.

01:43:35.660 | I'm trying to sell the movie to outlets, media outlets

01:43:40.420 | and busing with the boys.

01:43:42.500 | My wife flew them in to surprise me

01:43:44.620 | and they're over on the red carpet

01:43:46.320 | and they're like, "Yo, let's scuttle beer,

01:43:47.820 | "let's kill a beer."

01:43:49.120 | And I was like, "Oh," and then I'm like,

01:43:50.840 | "Oh, fuck it, I don't give a, this is what life's about."

01:43:53.660 | And that moment where they're like,

01:43:54.600 | "Yeah, that's the funnest fucking."

01:43:57.700 | Especially when I can get Leanne to do it.

01:43:59.340 | When I get Leanne to get a drink

01:44:01.260 | and she's like, like I wasn't supposed to drink last night.

01:44:04.820 | And she was like, "You wanna just,

01:44:06.320 | "we should go have a glass of wine in the front yard."

01:44:08.180 | And you're like, "Oh, my heart skips a beat."

01:44:10.960 | I go, "Glass of wine in the front yard?

01:44:12.380 | "Are we gonna talk wild?

01:44:13.420 | "Are we gonna say crazy shit to each other?

01:44:15.040 | "Like fuck yeah."

01:44:15.880 | - In the front yard.

01:44:16.860 | - Front yard, yeah.

01:44:17.700 | - What are you doing in the front yard?

01:44:18.540 | - Let the dogs play.

01:44:19.820 | Big trees in the front yard.

01:44:21.140 | - Why are you sitting on the, where were you sitting?

01:44:22.860 | - Sitting in the Adirondacks on the front porch,

01:44:25.300 | letting the dogs play,

01:44:26.480 | letting the dogs rest in the front yard.

01:44:28.320 | Maybe go over, pick some cherries,

01:44:29.920 | look at the fucking trees,

01:44:31.340 | hear the wind going through the front yard.

01:44:33.180 | And then you go to the backyard,

01:44:34.340 | that's where the cigar comes out, a little more privacy.

01:44:36.740 | But yeah, glass. - Red wine?

01:44:38.440 | - Red wine, I'm all back.

01:44:40.300 | Keep our sulfites low.

01:44:41.580 | - Yeah, wine is a whole 'nother one too.

01:44:45.100 | I feel sophisticated.

01:44:47.180 | - Oh, yeah.

01:44:48.300 | - I traveled, before Ukraine,

01:44:51.340 | I went to Paris for the first time and I drank wine there.

01:44:54.300 | And I felt like I was a sophisticated man.

01:44:59.660 | - Dude.

01:45:00.820 | - I didn't speak much French, but.

01:45:04.160 | - You don't need to.

01:45:05.000 | - You don't need to.

01:45:05.820 | - Just start smoking too, just have a fucking cigarette.

01:45:09.360 | - I was gonna start writing poetry, reading Hemingway.

01:45:12.400 | - There's a glass of wine in Italy,

01:45:15.880 | and we went, oh, the most beautiful fucking day of my life.

01:45:25.520 | Just outside Florence, they have all the vineyards and stuff

01:45:30.000 | and we took a Vespa tour.

01:45:31.640 | - Nice.

01:45:32.480 | - And it was fucking, and Isla's too young to ride,

01:45:37.480 | so she's on the back.

01:45:39.000 | And now everyone can drink there, you know?

01:45:41.540 | You're not supposed to drink and drive Vespas,

01:45:43.320 | but they go, a glass of wine is nothing.

01:45:46.200 | And you're like, okay, I guess I'll have a couple then.

01:45:49.200 | If you think one's nothing, then I think two's nothing also.

01:45:51.520 | - So this is drunk Bert on a Vespa?

01:45:53.720 | - Not even drunk, but just lightly feathered.

01:45:58.220 | And it's beautiful.

01:46:01.320 | My wife hasn't been drinking.

01:46:03.320 | Georgia's too young, Isla is too young.

01:46:06.360 | But at dinner we had a couple,

01:46:08.960 | and we're going through these hills and it starts raining.

01:46:12.200 | And it starts raining.

01:46:14.240 | And I go, Isla, what are we missing?

01:46:16.920 | And she goes, music, big boy.

01:46:18.800 | And I go, what do you wanna hear?

01:46:19.920 | And then she just starts going,

01:46:21.640 | ooga, shocka, ooga, ooga, ooga, shocka, ooga, ooga.

01:46:25.720 | I can't stop this feeling.

01:46:28.520 | She's screaming it behind.

01:46:30.160 | And then I hear Georgia screaming it.

01:46:32.360 | And then Leanne singing it.

01:46:33.480 | And then Sandy and her two daughters are singing it.

01:46:36.000 | We're all on these Vespas and we're all singing it.

01:46:38.720 | And I swear to God, if I hadn't been lightly feathered,

01:46:43.320 | I don't know if I would have been like,

01:46:44.520 | Isla, what are we missing?

01:46:45.520 | 'Cause you know, alcohol will give you that thing

01:46:47.520 | like what's next, what's bigger?

01:46:49.440 | How do we take this to the next level?

01:46:51.200 | And then I got this little girl

01:46:52.920 | who's still my little girl at that moment

01:46:55.080 | when she's singing, sing it.

01:46:57.400 | All the good times,

01:46:59.440 | even up so high.

01:47:01.280 | Yeah.

01:47:02.120 | Even up girl.

01:47:02.960 | And then we stop at the light

01:47:04.080 | and all of us are looking and it's pouring rain.

01:47:06.440 | Ah, ooh, ooh.

01:47:09.280 | Don't do the feeling, don't.

01:47:11.120 | It is, I mean, I remember sobbing, crying,

01:47:14.800 | sobbing, crying, sobbing, crying.

01:47:17.080 | And then I was like, let's get these fucking Vespas up

01:47:19.280 | and get to a vineyard.

01:47:20.680 | And then we went to a vineyard

01:47:22.320 | and all the girls tried a little wine,

01:47:23.960 | no one got buzzed or anything,

01:47:25.520 | but you're just sitting there with your family going like,

01:47:28.280 | fuck dude.

01:47:30.400 | And I'm not certain you get that without a little bit of.

01:47:33.040 | A little bit, but then a lot is also interesting.

01:47:35.760 | I had a lot of whiskey with Rogan once.

01:47:39.280 | I think I saw that.

01:47:40.160 | Yeah.

01:47:41.000 | I think I saw that with Whitney too.

01:47:42.360 | You with Whitney.

01:47:43.200 | In the pushup concert contest.

01:47:44.240 | With David Goggins.

01:47:45.440 | The only time I met David Goggins in person,

01:47:47.920 | one of the great embarrassments of my life

01:47:50.200 | is trashed out of my mind.

01:47:53.440 | I'm trying to say how much of a fan I am.

01:47:55.480 | And I could tell by the look in his eye

01:47:57.120 | that what is actually coming out of my mouth is not good.

01:48:00.800 | It's not good.

01:48:01.640 | And his wife is embarrassed standing right there also.

01:48:04.480 | Just everybody's embarrassed for me.

01:48:06.740 | Man, I'm trying my best.

01:48:08.000 | And then somehow I find myself a minute later

01:48:10.760 | doing pushups with him as a challenge.

01:48:13.480 | I didn't, it wasn't counting.

01:48:15.040 | All I knew, I'm not stopping.

01:48:18.800 | And he was polite enough to stop.

01:48:20.200 | I think probably like 50, I don't know.

01:48:22.600 | There's a gift someone gives you when they get drunk

01:48:25.280 | and they allow, they get drunk and they lower their guard

01:48:28.080 | and they allow you to see them that way.

01:48:29.720 | It's a gift.

01:48:30.540 | It's a real gift.

01:48:31.600 | It's just as cool as like pulling someone aside

01:48:33.600 | and going, yo, I'm into anime.

01:48:36.040 | Like, are you cool with that?

01:48:37.080 | And then they're going, yeah, I'm, oh, yeah.

01:48:39.480 | Can I show you some cool anime?

01:48:40.920 | And then you're like, that's not my thing.

01:48:42.320 | But it's like a cool thing.

01:48:43.640 | It's like sharing cool music with someone

01:48:45.280 | or like telling them something about your childhood.

01:48:47.360 | When you get drunk, like real drunk around someone,

01:48:51.120 | you're giving them a gift.

01:48:52.560 | And that gift is, I want you to see me for everything I am.

01:48:55.680 | You're not gonna get any lies.

01:48:57.480 | You're not gonna get any bullshit.

01:48:59.080 | This is me at my absolute worst.

01:49:01.200 | I have a rule.

01:49:02.280 | I will never, never get mad at someone

01:49:05.240 | for getting too fucked up.

01:49:07.200 | 'Cause they're giving you a gift.

01:49:08.600 | They're saying like, yo, I did this on accident,

01:49:11.360 | but I trust you enough to let you know

01:49:13.540 | that this is who I am and this is what you're getting.

01:49:16.560 | I love it.

01:49:17.400 | I love it.

01:49:18.220 | Especially when it comes from someone you don't expect.

01:49:20.200 | Like you, shut the fuck up.

01:49:22.800 | David Goggins should have hugged you and said,

01:49:24.800 | thanks for showing me this.

01:49:26.240 | - Yeah, I guess that really, you're right.

01:49:29.440 | I haven't thought of it that way.

01:49:30.640 | There's an intimacy to that.

01:49:32.400 | That is a gift of like fragility.

01:49:34.320 | Like this is me.

01:49:35.680 | I mean, I'm a very loving drunk,

01:49:37.600 | but boy, am I a dumb drunk.

01:49:40.080 | I'm just dumb.

01:49:40.920 | - I bet you haven't seen "Dumb Drunk."

01:49:43.600 | - Well, dumb in terms of the eloquence of the words

01:49:46.760 | that are coming out of my mouth.

01:49:48.440 | So like, you're just not stitching words together correctly

01:49:52.080 | to make sentences.

01:49:53.120 | - No.

01:49:53.960 | - I turn into Hemingway lost in translation.

01:49:57.000 | Like I'll start saying random words,

01:49:59.600 | but like translated to Japanese and back to English.

01:50:02.800 | It's not making any sense, but there's love.

01:50:05.760 | Like I think what you feel is this kind of desire

01:50:08.760 | to connect that I think I always feel towards other people.

01:50:11.560 | But when I'm drunk, I'm just say, fuck it.

01:50:13.520 | I don't need to be polite.

01:50:14.920 | I'll just be loving fully.

01:50:17.160 | - Yeah, yeah.

01:50:18.000 | It's cool when people let you see that in them.

01:50:22.320 | 'Cause some people are really like measured.

01:50:25.200 | Like no one drink and then I'm done.

01:50:26.440 | I don't want it, no, no, no, no.

01:50:28.000 | And you're like, oh, show me a little more.

01:50:30.160 | And then like, it's cool.

01:50:31.520 | And I never like, and I love,

01:50:33.360 | my favorite moments in the next morning

01:50:34.800 | when they're like, did I make an ass out of myself?

01:50:36.960 | And you get to say, not at all.

01:50:38.960 | - Yeah.

01:50:39.800 | - Not at all.

01:50:40.640 | That's the coolest thing.

01:50:41.460 | - And some people, bad people will leverage that over you.

01:50:45.420 | You can see it's a bully tactic.

01:50:46.660 | They'll leverage that.

01:50:47.500 | The bad interactions I've had in this business

01:50:51.020 | that we were talking about earlier,

01:50:52.940 | they were people that when you got fucked up,

01:50:56.660 | they used it against you.

01:50:58.180 | They held it over your head and they said,

01:51:00.060 | listen, man, I don't know what the fuck,

01:51:02.660 | but if you want, and you're like, hold on.

01:51:05.500 | And then they made you, they gaslight you

01:51:08.420 | into thinking you were the only one that was fucked up.

01:51:10.980 | And you're like, okay, I guess I know who you are now.

01:51:13.940 | And I was like, didn't you get fucked up a little bit too?

01:51:16.820 | Like, I know we smoked weed and I thought we ate Xanax,

01:51:18.620 | but like, what about the, I know I had a couple beers,

01:51:21.020 | but like, I wasn't that fucked up.

01:51:23.140 | - Well, Whitney's really good at that

01:51:24.380 | 'cause she's the person, I woke up next morning

01:51:26.860 | and she said, yeah, you were wonderful.

01:51:30.380 | You were eloquent, you were great.

01:51:32.140 | I'm sure she was making that up completely.

01:51:34.780 | - It was funny, I got blackout drunk

01:51:36.120 | at Whitney's roast of me, like blackout drunk.

01:51:38.100 | Don't remember any of it.

01:51:39.700 | And don't remember any of it.

01:51:40.780 | I don't remember speaking on the microphone.

01:51:43.020 | I don't remember talking in the microphone.

01:51:45.460 | And I did the set apparently.

01:51:47.900 | - Yeah.

01:51:48.820 | - And I said to Whitney,

01:51:50.340 | like in a real moment of vulnerability,

01:51:51.900 | Whitney's like a sister to me, like a legit sister.

01:51:54.860 | My daughters call her Aunt Whitney,

01:51:56.500 | Leanne's like a sister to Leanne.

01:51:58.980 | If she comes over to do a podcast,

01:52:00.340 | Whitney will show up an hour early

01:52:01.860 | and sit with Leanne out in Leanne's rose garden

01:52:04.020 | and just talk.

01:52:05.060 | And Whitney, I said the next day, I called Whitney

01:52:10.300 | and I was getting on a plane and I knew I was hungover.

01:52:14.100 | I said, how bad was I last night?

01:52:15.500 | She goes, you were fucking fantastic.

01:52:17.980 | And just didn't let me sit with it.

01:52:19.340 | And then I watched the video and I was like,

01:52:20.380 | oh, I was fucking out of control.

01:52:21.860 | I was way out of control.

01:52:22.700 | Thank you for lying to me.

01:52:23.900 | - Yeah, so while being a wild out there comic,

01:52:26.880 | she's also this like caring and loving human being.

01:52:29.500 | So interesting.

01:52:30.340 | - She is the most nurturing sensibility.

01:52:35.100 | She sends my daughters gifts out of nowhere,

01:52:39.380 | just out of nowhere, just send Georgia gifts up at college.

01:52:42.300 | It's just a gift box.

01:52:43.380 | Like she is just, she takes care of people.

01:52:45.620 | - That's her love language.

01:52:46.780 | And she's also the person that taught me

01:52:48.460 | what the hell love language even means.

01:52:51.260 | Apparently there's a book and there's like five of them.

01:52:53.540 | - You and Whitney, I would love to sit in a fucking room

01:52:56.340 | and watch you two talk.

01:52:57.540 | - Yeah, she has a robot that looks like her.

01:53:00.860 | And that's the future, that robot.

01:53:04.460 | - I told her she should have that robot do porn.

01:53:07.460 | Let someone fuck that robot.

01:53:09.620 | And then, and she can deep fake the face if she wants,

01:53:12.940 | but I go, promote a special that way.

01:53:16.200 | - Like a full on, not like Showtime, softcore porn,

01:53:21.220 | like full on porn porn.

01:53:22.820 | - Full on like the dude like,

01:53:24.940 | she's like, hi, welcome inside.

01:53:27.900 | You look tired, do you need a drink?

01:53:30.780 | Oops, I'm stuck in the dryer.

01:53:33.300 | - What's the promotion you're most proud of

01:53:34.980 | that you've done?

01:53:37.100 | - Without a doubt, it's gotta be when I took dance lessons.

01:53:40.020 | - Yeah, that was epic.

01:53:40.980 | - Because I tried to get Joe and Tom and Ari

01:53:43.660 | to do it for Sober October.

01:53:45.140 | - I was rooting for you.

01:53:46.300 | - And they said no, so I was like, absolutely not.

01:53:48.300 | - You knew Joe was gonna say no.

01:53:49.740 | - But Joe's a legit dancer, like he can legit dance.

01:53:52.900 | He took like dance lessons for a movie

01:53:54.900 | and is apparently an amazing dancer.

01:53:57.060 | And so--

01:53:58.020 | - You're right, he could have said yes.

01:54:00.660 | He could have said yes, 'cause I remember listening

01:54:02.380 | to that podcast where you really made the pitch.

01:54:04.420 | - Yeah, and I said, we all take hip hop dance lessons.

01:54:06.900 | Your cardio's through the roof.

01:54:08.900 | And you do an hour dance lesson,

01:54:10.820 | then we all do a hip hop dance,

01:54:12.060 | and then we all put our hip hop dances against each other

01:54:14.660 | and we see who has the best hip hop dance.

01:54:16.580 | It's different than the typical stuff we do.

01:54:19.100 | It's fun, and we can also work out,

01:54:20.700 | we can do everything, but let's do hip hop dance.

01:54:23.260 | And Joe adamantly was like, that's a horrible idea,

01:54:26.100 | I will not do that.

01:54:27.460 | And then Tom and Ari just whatever,

01:54:29.980 | they were like, yeah, I side with Joe,

01:54:31.580 | we'll do something else.

01:54:33.020 | And then I was like, but I knew I liked hip hop dance.

01:54:36.100 | And so I was like, I'm gonna take hip hop dance lessons

01:54:37.740 | anyway, I'm gonna just do it over Sober October,

01:54:39.980 | and I'm just gonna fucking do it.

01:54:41.740 | And then maybe I'll do a hip hop dance video,

01:54:44.860 | and then show it to them and let them rate me.

01:54:47.540 | And then we did it, and it was $1,200 for hip hop dance

01:54:52.540 | lessons for a month or whatever, for a couple weeks.

01:54:55.900 | And then when we did it, I thought, you know what,

01:55:00.180 | I bet we could put tour dates next to this.

01:55:02.460 | 'Cause it turned out being kinda good, but kinda funny.

01:55:06.600 | But we could put tour dates next to this.

01:55:08.160 | And it was the beginning of me figuring out the whole,

01:55:11.600 | my promos were short and quick,

01:55:13.240 | and they were always like something silly.

01:55:14.800 | What's up guys, it's your boy, Bert Kreischer.

01:55:17.560 | And then that one blew up, and immediately,

01:55:20.480 | I was announcing the tour, and immediately,

01:55:22.440 | every tour date sold out.

01:55:23.960 | And then every, we added shows that day,

01:55:26.580 | we added shows, and every one of those sold out.

01:55:29.360 | And I was like, whoa.

01:55:30.280 | And then Tom was like, the fuck was that?

01:55:33.000 | And I was like, I think I just sold out

01:55:36.360 | my whole fucking tour.

01:55:38.280 | And then when Tom did his one like that,

01:55:43.280 | and put his tour dates on it.

01:55:45.000 | - Yeah, went over the top.

01:55:46.400 | - He sold out his tours.

01:55:47.920 | And he was like, whoa.

01:55:49.320 | He's like, dude, I sold out every fucking show.

01:55:50.920 | We've added shows, I'm doing an arena here.

01:55:53.600 | And this is before we were doing arenas.

01:55:54.880 | I was like, shut the fuck up.

01:55:56.240 | And that changed my game where I was like,

01:55:58.320 | all right, so everything's gotta be,

01:56:00.920 | and then I was like, I don't mind spending a little money.

01:56:03.140 | And then the next one I did was the marching band.

01:56:06.080 | And I was just like, but it was real crazy.

01:56:08.460 | I just said, can you guys get me a marching band?

01:56:11.560 | And they were like, yeah, it's like 2,400 bucks.

01:56:13.640 | I go, cool.

01:56:14.700 | And they're like, what do you want them to do?

01:56:15.540 | And I go, I don't know, we'll figure it out.

01:56:17.320 | And they came over, and they had outfits,

01:56:19.820 | and they were like, so what do you want us to play?

01:56:21.920 | I go, what song do you guys know?

01:56:23.680 | And then they didn't even know each other.

01:56:25.080 | They were all hired people.

01:56:26.720 | And they were like, Rubber Band Man?

01:56:28.600 | And I was like, oh, sure, yeah.

01:56:30.640 | And then we just scripted it out.

01:56:31.840 | I was like, all right, I'll pretend it's a regular thing,

01:56:34.080 | lifting weights, I'll walk out, and then I'll blow a whistle.

01:56:36.400 | And then you come out with the (imitates drumming)

01:56:39.800 | And then we got like two videos out of that,

01:56:42.680 | and that sold out dates, and I was like, fuck.

01:56:45.180 | And then the real baller one, the fucking real one,

01:56:52.580 | the real one was I tore all the muscles in my arm

01:56:58.640 | going into shooting the movie,

01:57:01.000 | and I ripped all the tricep muscles off,

01:57:02.600 | and they were retracted, so I had to go in for surgery.

01:57:05.720 | And the anesthesiologist said to me the night before,

01:57:10.480 | he's like, what music do you want going under?

01:57:12.520 | And I was like, what?

01:57:13.360 | And he goes, you can pick your music going under.

01:57:15.200 | I said, wait, hold on, is it like,

01:57:17.520 | I go, is it like casual?

01:57:18.800 | And he was like, yeah.

01:57:20.240 | I said, I'm doing a promo read going under.

01:57:22.720 | He goes, what do you mean?

01:57:23.560 | I said, I'll explain it to you tomorrow,

01:57:25.160 | but I'm not gonna count backwards.

01:57:27.040 | I'm just gonna do a promo read until I pass out,

01:57:29.760 | and my phone's gonna fall on the ground.

01:57:31.760 | All I need you to do is hit stop record.

01:57:35.640 | And so they rolled me into surgery.

01:57:38.160 | I had Red Rocks.

01:57:39.000 | I'd only sold like 75% of Red Rocks,

01:57:41.580 | which is the biggest, 10,000,

01:57:42.720 | the biggest venue I'd ever played in.

01:57:45.300 | And I rolled in with my thing,

01:57:47.520 | with CCR playing in the background,

01:57:49.800 | and I just was like, as I lay here on this mat,

01:57:52.360 | or on this steel, I was terrified as I go into surgery,

01:57:56.000 | I want you to know one thing.

01:57:57.640 | I'm playing Red Rocks September 10th.

01:57:59.800 | And then I started doing my promo read,

01:58:01.520 | and he was like, yeah, I go,

01:58:02.480 | Jimmy Buffett's there the night before

01:58:03.920 | and the night after.

01:58:04.760 | He's like, for real?

01:58:05.580 | I go, yeah, you wanna come?

01:58:06.420 | He's like, hell yeah.

01:58:07.260 | He's like, all right.

01:58:08.080 | He's like, you're going under.

01:58:08.920 | And he hits it.

01:58:09.960 | I go, oh, sure.

01:58:10.800 | And I dropped the phone, woke up out of surgery,

01:58:14.040 | and the first thing I said is, where's my phone?

01:58:16.240 | And he goes, you got it.

01:58:17.400 | And Leann's like, I've already watched it, it's good.

01:58:19.040 | And I went, for real?

01:58:20.240 | And so that was a big one.

01:58:24.920 | That was a big one too.

01:58:26.000 | - Yeah, that was genius.

01:58:26.880 | But that was sort of opportunity,

01:58:28.280 | kind of jumping at an idea.

01:58:29.560 | Have you ever met Mr. Beast, Jimmy?

01:58:31.560 | - No.

01:58:32.800 | - So I got to hang out with him for a day,

01:58:35.840 | listen to him brainstorm with the team ideas.

01:58:38.480 | He kind of sounds like you,

01:58:39.460 | but on steroids in terms of like,

01:58:41.940 | first of all, willing to spend any amount of money

01:58:45.040 | on an idea.

01:58:46.720 | Like anything, anything is allowed.

01:58:49.740 | Anything is allowed.

01:58:50.580 | - I love that energy.

01:58:52.280 | - The only thing is no like rated R stuff.

01:58:55.880 | So he's really trying to go like,

01:58:58.800 | for the broader audience, for kids and so on.

01:59:00.740 | So that's the limitation.

01:59:02.020 | So you can't do, like most of the ideas

01:59:04.160 | that pop into my head when anything's allowed

01:59:05.960 | is kind of dark.

01:59:08.240 | But the point is to really aggressively brainstorm

01:59:10.800 | every single day at the whiteboard.

01:59:13.040 | Like what, and he does that for YouTube shorts too,

01:59:16.720 | for one minute videos.

01:59:18.120 | - Really?

01:59:18.960 | - And just like, really,

01:59:20.360 | like what is the coolest thing we could possibly do?

01:59:22.600 | - I love that.

01:59:23.440 | I love that energy.

01:59:24.680 | - And that energy, most people don't do that.

01:59:28.040 | And they should.

01:59:29.280 | Basically YouTubers do that

01:59:30.400 | 'cause they're obsessed about this particular YouTube algorithm

01:59:33.000 | and so on.

01:59:33.840 | And Jimmy is the best at that.

01:59:35.720 | But like that can benefit you if you're a scientist,

01:59:38.520 | if you're a comedian, if you're whatever.

01:59:41.000 | Just go all out.

01:59:43.080 | - There's something really authentically fun

01:59:45.280 | about just coming up with a really stupid idea

01:59:48.780 | and just going, let's see what happens.

01:59:50.120 | Who gives a fuck?

01:59:51.280 | We've had those like,

01:59:52.660 | I thought I could catch an arrow one time

01:59:55.320 | and my wife's like, absolutely fucking not.

01:59:59.760 | And I go, I really think I can.

02:00:01.120 | I go, let's just get really close, shoot it,

02:00:03.960 | and then I'll see if I can catch it.

02:00:05.240 | And she's like, no, that's not what you're doing.

02:00:07.920 | And then my cousin's like,

02:00:09.200 | hey, we could cheat it to make you look like

02:00:10.520 | you caught an arrow.

02:00:11.360 | And I went, what?

02:00:12.500 | He was like, okay, let's do it like this.

02:00:14.280 | And so we did it.

02:00:15.480 | They got sold a ton of tickets.

02:00:16.880 | It looks like I really caught it.

02:00:17.960 | Everyone knows I didn't catch an arrow.

02:00:19.440 | I mean, for the movie, we did a promo.

02:00:21.560 | Legendary was like, you do all the promos.

02:00:23.760 | And we did a promo and I thought I could slide out of my car

02:00:26.400 | like Tom Cruise did in a helicopter and with roller skates

02:00:31.400 | and get behind the car and then skate behind the car.

02:00:34.600 | And we just ran over my foot.

02:00:36.800 | And it was real and it was scary,

02:00:39.480 | but we just caught it all.

02:00:41.240 | And in doing it, my cousin's like, give me the read.

02:00:45.280 | And I'm like, duh, my movie comes out Memorial Day weekend.

02:00:48.680 | I think we have to go to the hospital.

02:00:49.840 | And then we went to the hospital and I'm in the Speedo

02:00:51.640 | with a helmet on, one broken roller skate.

02:00:54.200 | And then that did really well.

02:00:56.520 | And so like, I said, the whole thing

02:00:58.360 | is just turn the camera on.

02:00:59.480 | You never know what's gonna fucking happen.

02:01:01.760 | - And don't be afraid to look stupid

02:01:03.560 | and all that kind of stuff.

02:01:04.400 | Just go all out.

02:01:05.220 | - Fucking ego's the death of comedy.

02:01:07.920 | Like when you really give a, like,

02:01:10.120 | it's hard to be the coolest guy in the room

02:01:13.600 | and still wanna be a comedian.

02:01:15.780 | It's just let yourself be whoever you are.

02:01:17.360 | And you'll see the great ones, they're like that.

02:01:19.560 | They don't, they're just regular fucking dudes.

02:01:23.920 | And you get some real slick ones.

02:01:25.040 | Like Dave's probably might be the coolest guy

02:01:26.880 | in the fucking room.

02:01:27.720 | He really might be.

02:01:29.040 | But I think that's just who the fuck he is.

02:01:31.480 | - Who are the, outside your close friend group,

02:01:34.280 | who are the greats to you, top five?

02:01:36.960 | - Outside of my friend group?

02:01:39.240 | - So like for me, probably Norm MacDonald, Mitch Heidberg,

02:01:44.760 | George Carlin, Tom Segura, number one.

02:01:47.920 | - Oh yeah?

02:01:48.760 | - No.

02:01:49.580 | (laughing)

02:01:50.420 | I just wanted to say that.

02:01:51.800 | - That's an interesting pairing.

02:01:53.200 | (laughing)

02:01:54.240 | No, Mitch Heidberg, Dave Attell.

02:01:56.800 | - Dave Attell.

02:01:57.640 | - Dave Attell.

02:01:58.480 | - Everybody deeply respects Dave Attell.

02:02:00.600 | More than even his comedy.

02:02:01.840 | I love the show where he was--

02:02:03.720 | - Insomniac.

02:02:04.560 | - Insomniac.

02:02:05.720 | He's so good at just the natural comedy

02:02:09.280 | of human interaction.

02:02:10.520 | - He's a brilliant comic.

02:02:11.960 | He's just a brilliant fucking mind.

02:02:14.200 | Norm MacDonald's a fucking genius, an absolute genius.

02:02:17.880 | I mean, look, Chappelle and Bill Burr

02:02:21.560 | are the two best in our generation, in my opinion.

02:02:25.560 | And that's understanding that I'm still friends

02:02:28.400 | with some of the best in our generation,

02:02:29.980 | but just the way their brains work

02:02:31.880 | is really on the next level.

02:02:34.520 | Those are guys, Stan Hope is the same way,

02:02:36.840 | just fucking genius.

02:02:38.340 | Rogan, Segura, those are my friend group.

02:02:41.040 | That's my really close friend group.

02:02:42.820 | But those other guys I'm friends with,

02:02:44.720 | but they're not like, that's like, yeah.

02:02:48.360 | - Louis C.K.

02:02:49.200 | - Oh, Louis C.K., fuck, he's amazing.

02:02:51.440 | It's hard to do because you start forgetting people

02:02:55.160 | and then it's almost like people go,

02:02:56.640 | oh, so you didn't like that person?

02:02:57.640 | You're like, no, I fucking love that person.

02:02:59.000 | - Yeah, yeah.

02:03:00.840 | I mean, there's, for me, Robin Williams,

02:03:03.640 | which is a whole 'nother thing.

02:03:04.800 | - Oh, yeah, Sarah Silverman, fucking, I love Janine.

02:03:09.800 | I'm a fucking big Janine fan.

02:03:12.520 | I love her brain.

02:03:13.360 | Maren's fucking hilarious.

02:03:14.740 | Patton's brilliant.

02:03:17.680 | David Cross, I mean, there's like,

02:03:19.600 | it's really, to ignore those guys,

02:03:21.400 | and those guys were like the whole forefront

02:03:22.740 | of the alternative comedy front.

02:03:24.880 | They're fucking amazing.

02:03:26.760 | - Yeah, and the people that have like Maren or Joe

02:03:29.460 | that have podcasts, it's interesting.

02:03:31.000 | It's an interesting pairing

02:03:31.960 | 'cause you get to know everything about them,

02:03:33.880 | but then they're also comedians.

02:03:35.600 | And I've gotten, I've gone to Joe's club a lot.

02:03:39.720 | Listen, Joe and just that whole group of comics

02:03:42.280 | do comedy and go to the same set over and over and over

02:03:45.640 | and to see how it changes.

02:03:46.960 | It's really cool.

02:03:47.800 | - It's the coolest thing when I first started to watch,

02:03:49.640 | someone like Attell was really brilliant at it

02:03:51.240 | 'cause you'd watch him tinker with a set.

02:03:53.080 | - Yeah.

02:03:53.920 | - And he'd have an idea like hitting someone

02:03:57.480 | over the head with a hammer from behind,

02:03:59.400 | and then he'd work it nine different ways,

02:04:02.160 | you know, and you'd be like, whoa.

02:04:03.520 | So the hitting hammer in the head

02:04:05.120 | is the thing that he's working on.

02:04:07.680 | - I hope Eddie Murphy comes back.

02:04:10.520 | He's one of the greats.

02:04:11.640 | Chris Rock, Chris Rock's fucking,

02:04:14.080 | "Bring the Pain" is like the reason I got into comedy.

02:04:16.560 | - Yeah.

02:04:17.400 | Do you have advice for young folks?

02:04:20.720 | You seem like a stellar example of a successful human being,

02:04:24.840 | or more seriously, a very kind of nonlinear life.

02:04:30.200 | Do you have advice for young people

02:04:31.360 | in high school and college?

02:04:32.840 | How to have a good life they can be proud of?

02:04:37.200 | - Don't worry too much about what you do when you get older,

02:04:41.440 | but when you do start worrying,

02:04:45.560 | find the thing you love and it'll never feel like work.

02:04:48.840 | To fucking, I can't imagine what it must feel like

02:04:53.360 | to be a lawyer and have to read papers

02:04:55.760 | or whatever they do all day,

02:04:57.760 | and know that that's my day.

02:04:59.520 | I mean, it must feel like what school felt like for me.

02:05:02.480 | If you find that thing you love to do,

02:05:07.120 | you will work endlessly, effortlessly,

02:05:10.600 | and hard as fucking shit every day,

02:05:12.680 | and you'll love every day of your life.

02:05:14.800 | - "Find what you love and let it kill you,"

02:05:16.680 | Bukowski said that.

02:05:19.280 | - Then that's the fucking thing,

02:05:20.400 | 'cause that's what I'm doing.

02:05:21.880 | I'm letting it fucking take,

02:05:23.320 | I'm on that fucking bullet train to fucking nowhere

02:05:28.320 | on this fucking comedy journey.

02:05:29.920 | I love it, I love it.

02:05:31.800 | - So it's like the Hunter S. Thompson thing,

02:05:33.600 | what is it, however you put it,

02:05:35.440 | basically you're not supposed to be,

02:05:37.720 | end up in a well-preserved box,

02:05:40.000 | you slide in sideways, smoke, just beat up.

02:05:44.160 | - Yeah.

02:05:45.000 | - Just a giant mess.

02:05:47.040 | - I love those guys that can really live that life

02:05:49.280 | that are like, "Yeah, man, I'm breaking it,

02:05:51.680 | I'm breaking it down," like a guy like Tony Hawk

02:05:53.520 | or Matt Hoffman, who's like, "Yeah,

02:05:55.720 | if I don't fucking break the fuck out of this thing

02:05:57.600 | before I, then I'm not doing it right."

02:05:59.920 | - Then again, there's also Churchill,

02:06:01.280 | who tried to break the thing and he couldn't,

02:06:03.200 | lived into his 90s, a bad motherfucker.

02:06:06.040 | - Just a bad motherfucker.

02:06:08.040 | - So I guess the only hope we can have for Bert Kreischer

02:06:10.840 | is that you're gonna be the Winston Churchill of comedy.

02:06:13.320 | - My life is lived perfectly if I'm 95 years old

02:06:18.320 | and all my friends are dead.

02:06:20.720 | (laughing)

02:06:22.960 | - Yeah.

02:06:24.640 | - And they're like, "Can you believe that wolf got Rogan?"

02:06:27.920 | - Yeah.

02:06:28.760 | - "Can you believe Segura, 600 pounds,

02:06:32.080 | and they had to carry him out in a crane out of that house?

02:06:35.320 | Can you believe that it's just Bert Kreischer

02:06:39.200 | and Joey Diaz left?"

02:06:40.520 | (laughing)

02:06:42.280 | - Just standing there in October,

02:06:44.600 | super October, just the two of you left, just laughing.

02:06:47.840 | - October is just, I'm 95 at the Mark Twain Awards

02:06:51.480 | and they're like, "Bert Kreischer's still fucking here.

02:06:54.760 | Who saw that coming?"

02:06:57.200 | - I hope so.

02:06:58.040 | Bert, I'm a huge fan of yours.

02:06:59.800 | It meant so much to me when you said that you knew who I was

02:07:03.400 | like we were talking about.

02:07:04.480 | It just, it's so cool, it's so cool.

02:07:06.840 | Thank you for putting so much joy and love

02:07:08.480 | out there in the world.

02:07:09.520 | I'm a huge fan and thank you for the love you've given me.

02:07:12.360 | - Thank you, man.

02:07:13.200 | I am a huge fan of yours.

02:07:14.440 | You keep doing you, I'll keep doing me,

02:07:16.600 | and then let's see if we can meet in the middle sometime

02:07:18.360 | and have a cold beer in the afternoon.

02:07:19.880 | - Love you, brother.

02:07:20.720 | - Love you.

02:07:22.080 | - Thanks for listening to this conversation

02:07:23.480 | with Bert Kreischer.

02:07:24.640 | To support this podcast,

02:07:25.880 | please check out our sponsors in the description.

02:07:28.440 | And now let me leave you with some words

02:07:30.160 | from Hunter S. Thompson.

02:07:32.040 | Life should not be a journey to the grave

02:07:34.760 | with the intention of arriving safely

02:07:37.000 | in a pretty and well-preserved body,

02:07:39.280 | but rather to skin in broadside in a cloud of smoke,

02:07:43.680 | thoroughly used up, totally worn out,

02:07:46.680 | and loudly proclaiming, "Wow, what a ride."

02:07:50.680 | Thank you for listening.

02:07:52.960 | I hope to see you next time.

02:07:55.000 | (upbeat music)

02:07:57.600 | (upbeat music)

02:08:00.200 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Bert Kreischer: Comedy, Drinking, Rogan, Segura, Churchill & Kim Jong Un | Lex Fridman Podcast #382

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