How Do I Care for My Depressed Wife?

00:00:00.000 | On this podcast, we talk a lot about joy and of course, that means that we field a lot

00:00:08.840 | of necessary questions about joylessness.

00:00:13.720 | We've also talked in the past about how husbands take the leading role in seeking to grow the

00:00:19.160 | joy of their own homes.

00:00:21.000 | I'm thinking back to APJ 255, I believe it is.

00:00:25.600 | Dad's role in homemaking, one of my favorites in the history of this podcast, APJ 255, dad's

00:00:31.640 | role in homemaking.

00:00:34.320 | But what about when this task seems especially impossible?

00:00:37.840 | It's a question from an anonymous man who writes this.

00:00:40.160 | "Hello, Pastor John.

00:00:41.160 | I praise God for your ministry.

00:00:43.080 | Thank you for staying in the course and serving the church so well for so long.

00:00:46.480 | I would love your advice for my marriage.

00:00:49.160 | My wife and I have been married for nearly 18 years and have three young children.

00:00:53.780 | By her own admission, my wife is an Eeyore type personality.

00:00:58.760 | There are seasons where her gloominess and maybe borderline depression persists and has

00:01:04.560 | a significant impact on the joy in our home.

00:01:08.640 | I feel helpless to help.

00:01:10.720 | When I try to address the issue with her, she ends up feeling like a failure and sinks

00:01:14.880 | even lower.

00:01:16.120 | What can I do to help her, Pastor John?

00:01:18.200 | I'm committed to our marriage covenant and desire that she and our family flourish."

00:01:24.060 | As I thought and prayed over this situation, and I know several marriages like this, long

00:01:31.940 | marriages like this, marriages where there's been hospitalization over and over again for

00:01:39.140 | a depressed spouse.

00:01:41.100 | I thought of 10 words of counsel that I would share to this anonymous husband.

00:01:49.260 | And some of them are very short and others are a little longer, so let me just go through

00:01:52.860 | them quickly.

00:01:54.460 | One, join me, brother, in thanking God for giving you the grace for 18 years of faithfulness.

00:02:04.780 | It is a beautiful Christ-honoring thing.

00:02:07.420 | That's my first word of counsel.

00:02:09.020 | God is amazing that He has brought you this far and that you care for her and want to

00:02:14.620 | be a blessing to her.

00:02:16.900 | Number two, put out of your mind every thought that you may be married to the wrong person.

00:02:23.100 | The best way to know whether you are married to the right person is to look at the name

00:02:27.860 | on your wedding certificate.

00:02:30.380 | If it's her name, that's God's will for your life.

00:02:34.540 | Number three, recognize that some Christians will never in this life grow beyond certain

00:02:42.740 | limitations.

00:02:43.740 | I don't say this because God can't do it and indeed might do it, but because 1 Thessalonians

00:02:50.780 | 5.14 says, "Admonish the idle, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with

00:02:59.460 | them all."

00:03:00.460 | Paul seems to say that there will always be this kind of diversity of weakness among

00:03:06.140 | believers—not that there should be, but that there will be.

00:03:11.540 | God assigns faith and growth according to His own inscrutable wisdom.

00:03:16.900 | Paul says that in Romans 12.3.

00:03:19.340 | In other words, it may be God's plan for you to shepherd your wife not out of her depression,

00:03:28.380 | but with her depression to the end.

00:03:31.860 | Number four, there's a principle of patience under God's sovereignty in 2 Timothy 2.24.

00:03:38.900 | The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently

00:03:46.480 | enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness.

00:03:52.260 | God may perhaps grant them repentance.

00:03:56.220 | In other words, even though that's not talking about marriage and depression, there's a principle

00:04:04.100 | here.

00:04:05.100 | Isn't there?

00:04:06.100 | Kindness, patience, gentleness, willingness to endure sorrow might bring about change.

00:04:15.020 | Whether it does or not, it's our calling to be that way.

00:04:19.900 | Number five, our calling as husbands is clear from Colossians and Ephesians.

00:04:25.980 | Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

00:04:32.060 | It's Colossians 3.19.

00:04:34.740 | Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.

00:04:39.300 | Ephesians 5.25.

00:04:41.300 | This is our calling, no matter how little effect it has on our wives.

00:04:48.580 | Let this sink in.

00:04:50.580 | Christ is married to a wife, the church, including us husbands, that falls far more short of

00:05:00.500 | the command to love him with all our hearts, far more short than our wives fall short of

00:05:08.020 | any expectations we have.

00:05:10.700 | In other words, we fall more short of what Christ deserves from us than our wives fall

00:05:20.460 | short of what we deserve or hope for.

00:05:25.220 | No husband is promised a cheerful wife.

00:05:28.440 | It's not in the Bible, no matter how prayerful he chooses at the front end of that relationship.

00:05:36.420 | Number six, stay with her as a patient, gentle leader in the disciplines of grace, no matter

00:05:45.420 | how seemingly dull her emotional response may be.

00:05:50.220 | That is, read the scriptures with her, speak promises from God to her every day, not criticisms,

00:05:59.420 | but promises, pray for her gently and out loud for her joy and strength, but not in

00:06:06.940 | a teachy way or a condescending way.

00:06:10.700 | Don't use prayer as an indirect way to chastise her or teach her.

00:06:16.500 | Take her to church and sit with her in worship.

00:06:21.380 | Point her to passages of scripture that show that the saints go through darkness like Micah

00:06:28.060 | 7, 8, "Rejoice not over me, O my enemy.

00:06:31.340 | When I fall, I shall rise.

00:06:32.900 | When I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me."

00:06:37.060 | You have no idea what the long-term effects of steady-state spiritual disciplines of grace

00:06:45.060 | may accomplish.

00:06:46.380 | Number seven, do not fail to feed your own soul with the Word of God.

00:06:52.380 | Do it alone and do it with a band of brothers, not a big one.

00:06:56.580 | A few trusted friends who can pray for you and hear your sorrows and bear your burdens

00:07:03.740 | and exhort you to stay the course with joy.

00:07:07.220 | Number eight, if it seems appropriate and if she's willing, encourage her to seek help

00:07:14.140 | from a wise, Bible-saturated, prayerful Christian counselor.

00:07:20.620 | He or she may be able to discern obstacles to her joy that you might have missed and

00:07:28.340 | she might have missed.

00:07:30.380 | Number nine, learn from scripture and from the stories of difficult marriages that the

00:07:36.460 | Lord has reasons for your trials.

00:07:40.100 | Take for example the marriage of Abraham and Mary Lincoln.

00:07:45.820 | It was not a happy marriage.

00:07:47.980 | He brought many flaws.

00:07:49.380 | We could talk about those in another APJ, but let me just focus for a moment on the

00:07:55.660 | question at hand.

00:07:56.940 | God's purpose for Abraham Lincoln in a very difficult marriage with a woman who, according

00:08:04.260 | to Mark Knoll—so these are now quotes from an article by historian Mark Knoll—Mary

00:08:10.260 | often flew into rages.

00:08:12.660 | She pushed Lincoln relentlessly to seek high public office, and she complained endlessly

00:08:18.100 | about poverty.

00:08:19.620 | She overran her budget shamelessly, both in Springfield and in the White House.

00:08:25.100 | She abused servants as if they were slaves and ragged on Lincoln when he tried to pay

00:08:30.680 | them extra.

00:08:32.480 | She assaulted him on more than one occasion with firewood, with potatoes.

00:08:39.220 | She once probably chased him with a knife through their backyard in Springfield, and

00:08:44.820 | she treated his casual contacts with attractive females as a direct threat while herself flirting

00:08:52.840 | constantly and dressing to kill."

00:08:57.460 | But the two stayed married.

00:08:59.540 | What was the gain?

00:09:00.900 | Knoll asks this question.

00:09:02.380 | What was the gain?

00:09:04.140 | And he gives two historical suggestions.

00:09:06.680 | How was it, he says, that Lincoln, when president, could work so effectively with the rampant

00:09:13.620 | egos who filled his administration?

00:09:17.360 | The long years of dealing with his tempestuous wife helped him prepare for handling the difficult

00:09:26.580 | people he encountered as president.

00:09:28.940 | In other words, a whole nation benefited from his embracing this pain.

00:09:35.740 | And second, over the slow fires of misery that he learned to keep banked and under heavy

00:09:43.740 | pressure deep within him, his innate qualities of patience, tolerance, forbearance, and forgiveness

00:09:50.740 | were tempered and refined.

00:09:53.900 | In other words, embrace what God has given you and be made strong in the slow heat of

00:10:02.780 | the refining fire.

00:10:04.620 | Finally, number 10, picture the thankfulness of your wife in the resurrection.

00:10:12.500 | When she has been set free and thinks back over the remarkable patience and kindness

00:10:20.300 | that you showed her for decades.

00:10:24.540 | Right now, she does not even have the emotional wherewithal to respond to you as she should

00:10:34.500 | and as you desire that she would.

00:10:37.140 | But one day in the resurrection, she will have that capacity and her memory of your

00:10:45.580 | patience will be part of your joy.

00:10:48.780 | Thank you for putting this entire situational challenge within an eternal perspective, Pastor

00:10:54.460 | John.

00:10:55.460 | Thank you.

00:10:56.460 | And at the top of today's episode, I mentioned one of my favorite episodes of all time, APJ255,

00:11:01.940 | Dad's Role in Homemaking.

00:11:03.380 | You can find it online.

00:11:04.540 | That's APJ255, Dad's Role in Homemaking.

00:11:09.620 | Whether you listen in the car, at the gym, doing chores, thank you for inviting us into

00:11:13.820 | your busy day.

00:11:15.220 | If you have not yet done so, you can subscribe to Ask Pastor John in your favorite podcast

00:11:18.940 | app in YouTube or in Spotify, and you can find other episodes in our archive or submit

00:11:24.060 | a question of your own, even a marriage question of your own.

00:11:27.060 | You can do that by going online to DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.

00:11:33.460 | Well just about every Christian wants to be used by God to transform the lives of others.

00:11:38.980 | But what is the cost of ministry?

00:11:41.340 | What's the key to effective ministry?

00:11:45.180 | That question is up next.

00:11:46.580 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:11:48.220 | We'll see you on Wednesday.

00:11:49.100 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

00:11:57.420 | you

How Do I Care for My Depressed Wife?

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