Should My Boyfriend and I Travel Alone?
00:00:00.000 | Is it wise for a girlfriend and a boyfriend to travel together?
00:00:08.580 | To stay in the same hotel?
00:00:10.400 | Should they?
00:00:11.400 | It's a question we regularly get, and this time it's from a young woman.
00:00:14.440 | "Hello Pastor John, my boyfriend and I plan to leave in three weeks for a trip we scheduled
00:00:18.840 | five months ago.
00:00:20.320 | My mother said she fears for us and for the temptations that could arise during the trip.
00:00:23.880 | I have assured her that while we have fallen into temptation in the past, we have desperately
00:00:28.840 | sought God and other Christians' counsel to confront that pattern, and we truly have
00:00:33.140 | laid it at the foot of the cross.
00:00:35.440 | After discussing this respectfully and in full, we concluded that all would be fine.
00:00:40.800 | Today my mother again confronted me and tells me that she believes we are dishonoring God
00:00:45.000 | even though we will be staying in separate rooms the entire week.
00:00:49.440 | While I am frustrated, I also do not want to dishonor my parents' wishes.
00:00:53.160 | I am troubled and wondering if we are dishonoring God by traveling together before marriage."
00:00:59.000 | Well, you know, I've thought about this question and I've got ideas that I'm going to give
00:01:04.440 | in just a minute, but just listening to you, Tony, read the question again, I kind of get
00:01:11.160 | my back up about this guy.
00:01:13.160 | Yeah, sure.
00:01:14.560 | Absolutely.
00:01:15.560 | I mean, ask what to say to the young woman, I'll say it, but as you read it, I just want
00:01:21.040 | to say, "Guy, come on, come on, show your respect for this mom, save this trip."
00:01:28.880 | Okay, that's enough of that.
00:01:29.880 | Let me get to my answer.
00:01:30.880 | That's good.
00:01:31.880 | That's important.
00:01:32.880 | Let me give you three reasons from the Bible why I think the ethical instincts of your
00:01:40.600 | mother are right.
00:01:43.160 | I think it's unwise for an unmarried couple to take a trip like this together.
00:01:49.760 | And not only unwise, but contrary to three biblical guidelines.
00:01:56.320 | But first, let me suggest why I think this is even an issue between you and your mother.
00:02:05.680 | Probably 50 years ago, when I was 20, taking a three-week trip as an unmarried couple would
00:02:13.440 | have been more unthinkable than it is today.
00:02:17.040 | Now, why is that?
00:02:19.280 | For two reasons, at least.
00:02:21.880 | One is that sex outside marriage is considered normal today by the world, and so avoiding
00:02:31.720 | situations where it might more easily happen is pointless in the wider culture.
00:02:38.540 | So there's less cultural support for the conviction that such trips are unwise.
00:02:45.200 | That's the first reason it's even an issue.
00:02:48.840 | Cultural change like that.
00:02:51.400 | Not a healthy change.
00:02:53.760 | The other reason is that for 50 years there has been a growing pressure culturally to
00:03:00.960 | treat men and women as though they were the same, which means that it should be just as
00:03:09.140 | legitimate to take a trip with a young woman as it is with a young man.
00:03:13.280 | Otherwise it's unjust.
00:03:14.280 | Now, I regard both of these cultural transformations as tragic and leading toward much sin and
00:03:21.520 | much sorrow, hurt, damage in all kinds of ways and relations.
00:03:29.320 | It requires a strong confidence and courage for a young person to swim against such cultural
00:03:38.580 | tides.
00:03:39.920 | And I hope that you will be that kind of strong, confident, courageous person, and I hope this
00:03:47.880 | boyfriend will be as well.
00:03:51.440 | So that's the setting.
00:03:52.720 | That's the setting that I think creates the present conflict.
00:03:55.960 | Now, here are the three biblical teachings that I think should cause you not to take
00:04:03.240 | that trip and save it for when you're married.
00:04:07.200 | Number one, God has created the human body and mind in such a way that those who are
00:04:13.160 | in love desire very strongly to touch each other and move toward sexual climax together.
00:04:20.320 | That's normal.
00:04:22.720 | It's inevitable that that desire would happen.
00:04:25.560 | And God has made provision for the joy of that relationship, that satisfaction in marriage
00:04:34.240 | and nowhere else.
00:04:36.840 | You have already discovered, you said so, that extended time together, especially in
00:04:42.000 | private, makes those desires very strong.
00:04:44.680 | They've led you already into sexual activity you regret.
00:04:48.440 | If you love to please the Lord in purity of mind and body, here's the guidance that God
00:04:54.080 | gives from Romans 13, 14.
00:04:56.580 | Put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh to gratify its desires.
00:05:05.020 | That term, "make no provision," means don't put yourself in an unnecessary position
00:05:13.440 | that will likely stir up desires that you cannot control.
00:05:18.440 | If you say, "Well, we can control them," I would remind you of two things.
00:05:23.640 | One, God warns us that desires are deceitful, Ephesians 4, 22.
00:05:30.560 | They're deceitful.
00:05:32.480 | And sin is deceitful, Hebrews 3, 13.
00:05:37.000 | This means that the desires of the body have a huge power over the mind and the will to
00:05:45.120 | make you think and will foolishly.
00:05:49.880 | That's their power.
00:05:51.360 | And some temptations, therefore, are to be avoided, not just resisted.
00:05:58.580 | God could indeed catch Jesus if he jumped off the temple.
00:06:02.600 | He could.
00:06:03.600 | Easy, easy, easy.
00:06:04.600 | God can do that.
00:06:05.880 | Just like he could keep you from fornication.
00:06:09.960 | But Jesus said to Satan, "I'm not going to jump," period.
00:06:14.480 | And his reason was what yours should be.
00:06:18.400 | You shall not put the Lord your God to the test, Luke 4, 12.
00:06:24.480 | God could, if he willed, keep you pure on such a trip, but his warnings are such that
00:06:31.720 | you should say, "I'm not going to put the Lord to the test on this one."
00:06:36.160 | That's number one.
00:06:37.420 | Number two, here's the second biblical teaching that should cause you to save this trip for
00:06:45.200 | when you're married.
00:06:47.000 | Most of the people in the world, both religious and irreligious, assume that if you are traveling
00:06:53.680 | together, you will sleep together.
00:06:56.280 | Most who see you will not even know you have separate rooms, and the others will think
00:07:02.200 | that separate rooms are not going to keep you from sleeping together.
00:07:05.680 | After all, for most young people today, sex before marriage is normal.
00:07:10.500 | They would see you as just fitting in.
00:07:12.400 | That's what they would assume.
00:07:14.080 | So to the biblically formed people, they will assume you're careless, if not sinning, and
00:07:20.640 | to the non-biblical people, the ones you should care about a lot, will assume you are having
00:07:25.920 | sex.
00:07:26.920 | That's what they're going to assume.
00:07:27.920 | There's no other way they can think about you as they watch you.
00:07:32.360 | But here's what God says about these kinds of observations from the world.
00:07:37.600 | He says, "Walk properly."
00:07:39.800 | It's a very interesting word, "Euskemonos," uprightly, properly, fittingly, suitably.
00:07:49.600 | Walk properly before outsiders, 1 Thessalonians 4.12.
00:07:55.320 | Or give thought to what is honorable in the sight of all, Romans 12.17.
00:08:01.880 | Or we aim at what is honorable, not only in the Lord's sight, but also in the sight of
00:08:07.280 | man, 2 Corinthians 8.21.
00:08:11.040 | So if you love Christ more than the fun of such a trip, and you want your lives to speak
00:08:18.360 | clearly about his standards of purity, I don't think you will prioritize this trip over your
00:08:26.080 | commitment to communicate clearly the beauty of Christ's standards of purity.
00:08:31.520 | And that trip does not communicate that.
00:08:35.000 | Number three, by taking this trip or not taking it, you weaken or strengthen the standards
00:08:44.440 | of other Christians, especially younger ones, who may be even weaker than you are and are
00:08:51.600 | looking for more justification to do what you're about to do.
00:08:55.840 | Paul says, "If food makes my brother stumble, I'll never eat meat, lest I make my brother
00:09:01.560 | stumble."
00:09:02.560 | Now, how much more would he avoid a three-week trip that will further normalize a practice
00:09:11.280 | that most people will simply not be able to carry out with sexual purity?
00:09:16.440 | Let me say that again.
00:09:18.840 | How much more would Paul say, "I'm not going to take a three-week trip that will further
00:09:25.340 | normalize a practice that most people will simply not be able to carry out with sexual
00:09:30.840 | purity"?
00:09:32.280 | Do you have a right to take this trip in your Christian freedom?
00:09:36.640 | Probably.
00:09:37.640 | That's just not the issue, Paul would say.
00:09:41.240 | Paul said, "We put no obstacle in anyone's way so that no fault may be found with our
00:09:47.520 | ministry," 2 Corinthians 6:3.
00:09:50.720 | For Paul, this meant not doing things that he had every right to do.
00:09:56.360 | The issue is not rights.
00:09:59.560 | The issue is love and purity and whether you will participate in a cultural pattern that
00:10:06.360 | is destructive in the long run.
00:10:10.720 | So because of those three biblical teachings, I think your mother's moral instincts about
00:10:18.120 | this trip are right, and I would encourage you, save the joy of that kind of extended
00:10:23.880 | togetherness for marriage.
00:10:25.760 | You won't regret it.
00:10:28.440 | Solid wisdom.
00:10:29.440 | Pastor John, thank you.
00:10:30.440 | These are the questions we really appreciate.
00:10:32.120 | You know, tricky life situation that calls for biblical thought to process carefully.
00:10:37.480 | And if you're in such a situation, send us your question by going to our online home,
00:10:40.600 | it's desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn, and click on the box that says "Submit a question."
00:10:46.520 | We do our best to address the principles of those situations while asking you to also
00:10:51.240 | lean on the Christian friends and parents and pastors God has put around you.
00:10:56.240 | We are no replacement for those people.
00:10:58.080 | We seek to supplement them with some considerations from Scripture.
00:11:02.080 | Well, in the last third of the book of Proverbs, the theme of the quarrelsome wife is brought
00:11:07.480 | up five times in Proverbs 19, 13, 21, 9, 21, 19, 25, 24, and 27, 15.
00:11:15.780 | And those references lead some to conclude that a husband is encouraged to separate from
00:11:20.160 | such a wife.
00:11:22.080 | But is he?
00:11:23.080 | That's the question up next on Friday.
00:11:25.360 | I'm your host Tony Reinke.
00:11:26.960 | We'll see you then.
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