Is My Husband’s Porn a Marriage Deal-Breaker?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - Pastor John, this question comes on the heels

00:00:06.960 | of a question we addressed in episode 122,

00:00:09.240 | which was one of the most popular episodes

00:00:11.080 | we've ever released.

00:00:12.680 | Is my boyfriend's porn a marriage deal breaker?

00:00:16.360 | And now we have an email from a listener

00:00:18.080 | who wants to push this sin into marriage

00:00:20.240 | and ask the question,

00:00:21.160 | is my husband's porn a marriage deal breaker?

00:00:24.760 | What would you say to this question, Pastor John?

00:00:27.240 | - My answer is no.

00:00:30.240 | Your husband's struggle or compromise with pornography

00:00:35.240 | is not a marriage deal breaker.

00:00:41.080 | And I would say the same thing,

00:00:43.520 | that a wife's compromise with pornography

00:00:47.740 | is not a husband's deal breaker.

00:00:50.280 | That's not to be assumed in our day,

00:00:53.160 | because it cuts both ways.

00:00:55.380 | I don't wanna be hard on the women here.

00:00:57.400 | I want, what I really wanna say is,

00:01:01.020 | marriage is a covenant created in heaven,

00:01:06.920 | sealed with a vow of lifelong commitment

00:01:09.640 | between a man and a woman,

00:01:11.600 | consummated in sexual union.

00:01:13.380 | That's my definition.

00:01:14.720 | I believe it's a biblical definition of what marriage is.

00:01:17.840 | So my answer to the question of what can break the marriage

00:01:21.680 | is based on what marriage is.

00:01:24.800 | So let me just work that out for a minute or two.

00:01:27.920 | It's a covenant, it's covenantal.

00:01:30.480 | The foundational text for marriage is Genesis 2:24.

00:01:34.400 | A man shall leave his father and his mother

00:01:36.680 | and hold fast, cleave to his wife,

00:01:38.660 | and they shall become one flesh.

00:01:39.920 | And when Paul picked that up in Ephesians 5,

00:01:42.760 | he interpreted it, this is a profound mystery.

00:01:47.600 | And I am saying it refers to Christ and the church,

00:01:50.160 | which means God created marriage

00:01:54.520 | to be a picture of the covenant commitment

00:01:58.360 | Christ has to his church and his church to him.

00:02:01.680 | Therefore, marriage is fundamentally covenantal

00:02:06.240 | and covenantal to the max.

00:02:09.040 | Namely, it is a model of how Christ is bonded

00:02:13.560 | to his church in the new covenant relationships.

00:02:17.560 | And he is really, really bonded to his church.

00:02:21.120 | So the first thing I wanna say is we have a covenant

00:02:24.040 | and that's what marriage is.

00:02:25.840 | The second thing is it's created in heaven.

00:02:28.840 | When we stand in front of a crowd of people

00:02:31.440 | and we say, I do, or make our vows,

00:02:35.040 | we're not ultimately creating a marriage.

00:02:37.360 | God is creating a marriage.

00:02:38.760 | And I based that on Mark 10, nine.

00:02:41.800 | What therefore God has joined together.

00:02:45.480 | Let not man separate.

00:02:49.040 | Those are amazing words.

00:02:51.240 | In this moment of covenant making through vows,

00:02:56.240 | God is doing something and we have no right

00:03:01.200 | to undo it as mere people.

00:03:04.200 | And the third thing I would say is it's lifelong.

00:03:07.480 | It's till death.

00:03:09.320 | Romans 7, a married woman is bound by law to her husband

00:03:13.360 | while he lives.

00:03:15.320 | But if her husband dies,

00:03:17.040 | she is released from the law of marriage.

00:03:20.320 | Accordingly, she'll be called an adulteress

00:03:22.320 | if she lives with another man,

00:03:24.480 | or he'll be called an adulterer

00:03:25.840 | if he lives with another woman while her husband is alive.

00:03:29.880 | This is for life.

00:03:32.800 | Till death do us part.

00:03:34.560 | You know, when I do marriages,

00:03:36.240 | I let people put a lot of things in vows that I don't write.

00:03:40.600 | But one thing I insist is always there,

00:03:43.480 | namely till death do us part,

00:03:47.400 | or something exactly meaning the same thing.

00:03:52.080 | And then it's, fourthly, it's consummated in sexual union.

00:03:57.080 | The two should become one flesh, be fruitful and multiply.

00:04:00.760 | Adam knew his wife, or 1 Corinthians 7,

00:04:04.880 | to because of temptations to sexual immorality,

00:04:08.160 | each man should have his own wife.

00:04:10.280 | And each woman, her own husband.

00:04:11.800 | The husband should give his wife her conjugal,

00:04:15.200 | that means sexual rights,

00:04:17.840 | and likewise the wife to her husband.

00:04:19.760 | So the implications of that definition of marriage

00:04:23.360 | is stay together.

00:04:25.240 | Stay together through hell and high water.

00:04:29.160 | Jesus said, "Whatever God has joined together,

00:04:34.960 | don't separate."

00:04:36.920 | Or Mark 10, 11, "Whoever divorces his wife

00:04:40.800 | and marries another commits adultery against her.

00:04:42.880 | And if she divorces her husband and marries another,

00:04:45.760 | she commits adultery."

00:04:47.360 | And Paul, to the married, I say,

00:04:49.800 | this is 1 Corinthians 7, 10,

00:04:52.400 | "I give charge, not I, but the Lord.

00:04:54.480 | The wife should not separate from her husband.

00:04:57.440 | If she does, she should remain unmarried

00:05:00.080 | or else be reconciled to her husband.

00:05:01.720 | And the husband should not divorce his wife."

00:05:05.880 | In other words, when we make vows,

00:05:08.440 | and I hope this young woman made this vow,

00:05:13.440 | for better or for worse,

00:05:15.520 | we don't mean for better or for worse,

00:05:19.200 | unless there's pornography,

00:05:20.880 | or for better or for worse,

00:05:22.960 | unless you turn out to be somebody

00:05:24.640 | I never dreamed you were.

00:05:26.280 | Which by the way, happens pretty much everybody.

00:05:29.320 | Wives and husbands do not stay the same.

00:05:32.800 | Marriage is risky business,

00:05:34.520 | which is why I think the disciples said,

00:05:37.360 | "Perhaps it's not wise to marry."

00:05:40.280 | And Jesus said, "Well, it's given to some and not to others."

00:05:44.680 | And Christians, it is given to.

00:05:46.960 | It is our privilege and right to be committed in this way.

00:05:51.960 | So, Tony, this husband is committing a grave sin

00:05:58.320 | against God and against his wife.

00:06:00.760 | I don't mean to minimize it at all.

00:06:04.240 | For reasons we've seen in podcasts gone by.

00:06:07.760 | But marriage is greater.

00:06:10.080 | It's greater than any sin.

00:06:13.760 | It is a picture of Christ and the church.

00:06:16.680 | And in that stunning framework, you go to Christ,

00:06:21.680 | you plead with him for the power and the grace

00:06:24.440 | and the wisdom to move towards repentance.

00:06:28.800 | And in her case, I would say, if necessary,

00:06:31.840 | involving the men of the church,

00:06:34.640 | going to the men in a small group,

00:06:37.640 | saying, "My husband won't listen to me.

00:06:42.120 | "Help me."

00:06:43.160 | And the church steps in and helps a wife with this.

00:06:47.040 | Marriage is not a trap,

00:06:50.240 | but like a powerful promise from the Lord.

00:06:53.040 | If he's ordained that his children

00:06:56.280 | stay in very hard marriages, which he does,

00:06:59.680 | it's because he stays in a relationship

00:07:02.320 | to his sinful church.

00:07:04.520 | And he means to do great things for us in those marriages

00:07:08.440 | to display glorious aspects

00:07:11.440 | of his merciful covenant keeping in this world.

00:07:14.840 | - Thank you, Pastor John.

00:07:15.800 | And thank you for listening to this podcast.

00:07:17.520 | Email your questions to us at askpastorjohn@desiringgod.org.

00:07:20.960 | You can visit us online at desiringgod.org

00:07:23.480 | to find thousands of free books, articles, sermons,

00:07:25.400 | and other resources from John Piper, all for free.

00:07:28.600 | I'm your host, Tony Ranke.

00:07:29.440 | Thanks for listening.

00:07:30.440 | (upbeat music)

00:07:33.020 | (upbeat music)

00:07:35.600 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Is My Husband’s Porn a Marriage Deal-Breaker?

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