How to Navigate Relationships as a High Performer | David Goggins & Dr. Andrew Huberman
00:00:00.000 | There's a question I've been wanting to ask you since we started.
00:00:05.820 | And I thought about coming in here and I've been thinking about it in the weeks ahead
00:00:08.540 | of this.
00:00:09.540 | And I'm gonna just come clean and say I don't exactly know how to ask the question.
00:00:14.120 | So it's about relationships.
00:00:16.600 | Oh, do it man.
00:00:18.120 | So I know in myself that my discipline is much higher when it's just me, but that's
00:00:26.160 | because I had certain things early on, but then I was a terrible student, barely finished
00:00:31.440 | high school.
00:00:32.440 | But then when I got serious, I got serious, but I did that by staying away from everybody.
00:00:37.840 | And anyone who's ever had a relationship of any kind, but in particular, romantic relationships
00:00:43.920 | knows that yes, you can derive tremendous support from those.
00:00:47.840 | Like you got this baby, you can go in and you're like, yeah, I got this.
00:00:51.040 | She said, I got this, you know.
00:00:52.960 | It's great to finish something and share with someone, share a meal, you know, get the hug.
00:00:57.800 | But there's another side to all of that that I'd like to learn more about from you, which
00:01:02.300 | is there's a warm body next to you in bed in the morning.
00:01:06.320 | You don't want to get up.
00:01:07.580 | They also have needs.
00:01:09.680 | You've got your mission that people sometimes need things from us.
00:01:14.960 | But also oftentimes the people that love us most, that truly love us and that want to
00:01:19.840 | support us, don't understand this thing.
00:01:24.520 | And they're the first people to tell us like, listen, take a day off.
00:01:30.360 | And then this whole cycle, at least in my head goes off, like you just want a vacation.
00:01:34.320 | And then it's almost like a paranoia.
00:01:36.440 | I'm not saying anything nice about myself right now.
00:01:38.280 | Right.
00:01:39.280 | Oh, good.
00:01:40.280 | Former girlfriends are gonna be like, yeah, like, you know, they remember that.
00:01:42.920 | And so support of people close to you is critical.
00:01:46.480 | This could be friends, could be romantic partners, whatever.
00:01:49.060 | But they're also, the knife cuts both ways.
00:01:52.500 | It can be the thing that can really undermine this thing that you're talking about, because
00:01:56.760 | the people that care about us also want to see us comfortable.
00:01:59.360 | Right.
00:02:00.360 | They want to see us happy.
00:02:01.360 | They want to see us peaceful.
00:02:02.360 | They want to see us wake up from a great night's sleep.
00:02:04.280 | And they want things too.
00:02:05.760 | Right.
00:02:06.760 | So how do you untangle that whole bit?
00:02:09.000 | Well, it's funny, man.
00:02:10.160 | I'm unbalanced, but I'm mostly unbalanced towards the family side.
00:02:13.560 | People don't get about me.
00:02:15.700 | I start being unbalanced.
00:02:16.700 | I get all my stuff in.
00:02:18.260 | But what I do is I make sure that my family has everything they need.
00:02:23.200 | Everything they need.
00:02:25.280 | Those who want to be part of my family.
00:02:27.760 | Some don't.
00:02:28.760 | Some family members don't want to be part of David Goggins.
00:02:30.960 | I get it.
00:02:31.960 | I got it.
00:02:32.960 | That's life.
00:02:34.120 | Those who are part of my family, I give them everything they need so they can leave me
00:02:39.160 | the fuck alone.
00:02:41.780 | I make sure you're happy as fuck because I got to go to work.
00:02:44.880 | And I don't mean smoke jumping.
00:02:47.660 | I don't mean running.
00:02:49.480 | I mean all of it.
00:02:51.560 | It takes every...
00:02:52.560 | I can't have you in my fucking shit.
00:02:55.320 | Can't.
00:02:56.560 | So I know for me to have a family, I got to make sure that you realize I'm going to give
00:03:01.000 | you everything you need.
00:03:02.000 | So when you start bitching at me, I'm going to say, "Look, hang on.
00:03:05.720 | I dedicated my life to give you everything you need.
00:03:08.080 | I need this time right here for me to be the best I can be because this journey started
00:03:13.160 | without anybody."
00:03:15.040 | And I make sure everybody knows that because in my life, I've been left...
00:03:18.880 | Think about it.
00:03:20.440 | I was left alone at a young age to figure this shit out.
00:03:26.800 | I figured it out for myself and it's been very successful for myself.
00:03:31.860 | No one's going to come in here and fuck with my shit.
00:03:34.840 | That's why I make sure I will take care of whatever you need.
00:03:36.920 | Whatever you need from me, you got it.
00:03:39.080 | Money, house, my love, my support, I'm going to give you everything you need.
00:03:44.360 | That said, I do it the highest level possible and I'm saying it with Jennifer in the next
00:03:49.760 | room.
00:03:50.760 | So please come in and say something.
00:03:51.760 | If it's wrong, Jennifer, I don't give a fuck.
00:03:52.760 | Say what you got to say.
00:03:54.800 | So then when it's time for me to go to work, I expect you to do the same for me because
00:04:00.680 | it takes every bit of me to do what I have to do.
00:04:05.160 | So I make sure that I'm very unbalanced for my family so I can be exactly that unbalanced
00:04:11.680 | for myself and that's how I do it.
00:04:14.920 | I let people know right up front, I'm not what you want in a man.
00:04:23.080 | I guarantee that.
00:04:24.080 | There's going to be a lot of late nights, a lot of early mornings, a lot of times where
00:04:28.280 | I got to be by myself thinking about the process that is next in my mind.
00:04:33.640 | I can't have aggravation, I can't have this, I can't have that.
00:04:35.600 | There's a lot of things, but I let them know up front.
00:04:38.440 | I'm very vocal about that.
00:04:41.080 | Sometimes relationships work for me, sometimes they didn't, but that's who I am.
00:04:45.360 | One thing I did wrong in my life was I tried for so many years to please people and I did
00:04:52.480 | it at the expense of myself.
00:04:57.020 | I was leaving a lot in the tank and when you do that, you stop living, but the person in
00:05:03.600 | your life is happy as fuck because you're giving them everything they want.
00:05:08.620 | Your life is full, but you feel empty and that's not a relationship to me.
00:05:15.320 | For me, it's important that you know exactly who I am because this is what life made and
00:05:22.320 | I'm not trying to change it because I just figured it out.
00:05:27.560 | I'm not trying to compromise David Goggins.
00:05:30.560 | I will never, ever compromise David Goggins.
00:05:34.400 | That doesn't mean I won't give you what you need and what you want and what you desire,
00:05:39.300 | but I don't need money, I don't need fame, I don't need shit, so I give it all away.
00:05:45.560 | What I do need is to make sure that that willpower is worked on every fucking day and every night
00:05:52.380 | for the rest of my life because that's the one thing that's going to keep me feeding
00:05:56.860 | you, keeping you where you need to be because once that willpower is gone, 300 pound David
00:06:02.540 | Goggins, he may not look like it, but I will walk around with it.
00:06:08.180 | So the things that are important to you in life, you must do always or you're nobody
00:06:14.140 | and that's how I handle relationships.
00:06:17.180 | Amen to that.
00:06:18.680 | Something I could personally work on is that upfront clear communication because it resonates
00:06:24.380 | that feeling of like there's something inside that's not getting worked out that when I'm
00:06:28.540 | on my own, it's a lot easier, but then of course, wanting relationships and family,
00:06:33.900 | I think that's a healthy part of being human too.
00:06:36.500 | Obviously you've worked it out, so I appreciate you sharing that.
00:06:38.980 | I don't think I've ever heard you talk about it that way before.
00:06:41.060 | No, people are scared of that, man.
00:06:42.260 | People are scared of that conversation with their wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend,
00:06:47.900 | but why are you scared of it?
00:06:50.380 | Why are you scared to tell a motherfucker, your wife, your husband, who you are?
00:06:57.180 | Who you are, exactly who you are.
00:06:59.380 | And that was a problem I had.
00:07:00.620 | That's a problem that a lot of us have in life.
00:07:03.260 | No one knows who you really are.
00:07:06.240 | No one knew who I really was.
00:07:09.260 | I went to a school where there were a lot of black kids.
00:07:11.460 | A lot of black kids didn't want to be in special ops.
00:07:15.060 | I never talked about special ops to black kids.
00:07:17.940 | Why?
00:07:18.940 | I was wondering what, I'm not going to fit in.
00:07:24.020 | That's not what they do.
00:07:25.020 | A lot of black kids don't do that kind of shit.
00:07:28.520 | Whatever I wanted to do, no one really knew the real me growing up because I never wanted
00:07:33.060 | anybody to know the real me.
00:07:34.820 | I was always afraid of what you might say or how you're going to feel or whatever.
00:07:38.840 | You got feelings.
00:07:41.220 | You have a life that you have to live.
00:07:43.820 | So it's important that whatever's on your mind, you let that person know.
00:07:47.740 | Therefore, you're giving them the option to be with you or not.
00:07:51.620 | This is who I am.
00:07:52.620 | If you don't like it, that's good, man.
00:07:54.540 | I got it.
00:07:55.540 | But this is David Goggins.
00:07:57.820 | So that honest conversation is very important, man, so everybody knows where they stand.
00:08:02.860 | That person may not be for you, and that's all good.
00:08:06.660 | [Music]