Why Your Inner Voice Is So Cruel & How To Declutter Your Life

00:00:00.880 | - All right, next question is from Tanya.

00:00:03.000 | I find my inner voice very cruel

00:00:05.000 | and I struggle with negative thoughts.

00:00:06.960 | Do you have any advice on how I can overcome these

00:00:09.040 | on a daily basis?

00:00:10.440 | - So Tanya, this is a very common thing.

00:00:14.680 | I'm gonna start with that.

00:00:16.680 | I think this is misunderstood about mental health issues

00:00:19.840 | from people who don't suffer from them

00:00:21.800 | is how often the common source of the mental health issues

00:00:26.480 | is these inner voices.

00:00:28.160 | So psychologists will call this negative rumination.

00:00:31.000 | It's a voice in your head that is constantly

00:00:32.760 | pointing out negative things.

00:00:35.040 | So for anxiety, the negative ruminations

00:00:38.120 | are those looking to the future with concern.

00:00:41.060 | What about this?

00:00:41.900 | What about that?

00:00:42.720 | What if this doesn't go well?

00:00:43.560 | What if this disaster happens?

00:00:44.380 | What if, you know, it's looking to the future

00:00:46.120 | and constantly pointing out things that it's worried about.

00:00:49.080 | For depression, it's the same voice.

00:00:51.120 | It's just often looking to the past.

00:00:53.280 | Why did you do that?

00:00:54.600 | Oh my God, that was the wrong thing to do.

00:00:56.200 | You're so worthless.

00:00:57.840 | People are thinking about that.

00:00:59.280 | I'm sure people are talking about it.

00:01:01.400 | No one, look at that event.

00:01:03.200 | That guy who snubbed you,

00:01:04.040 | yeah, it's because no one respects you.

00:01:05.800 | So it's just looking back at your life so far

00:01:10.160 | like a, you know, upset movie critic

00:01:12.720 | just pointing out everything that went wrong.

00:01:14.760 | That's why there's such a connection

00:01:15.860 | between anxiety and depression.

00:01:17.340 | They go back and forth.

00:01:18.180 | It's your ruminative voice

00:01:19.560 | and it's just kind of where it's aimed.

00:01:20.680 | And once that voice has a really strong foothold

00:01:23.500 | in your head, it's got a real comfy chair

00:01:25.960 | and it knows that, oh, I'm gonna be listened to.

00:01:27.360 | Then it can change its, you know, themes,

00:01:29.240 | but it's in there screwing around with your brain.

00:01:30.800 | And that's why we often find

00:01:32.240 | those two particular mental health issues

00:01:33.920 | so tightly intertwined.

00:01:35.320 | So it's a very common, well-understood issue.

00:01:38.760 | I think of it a lot like knee pain.

00:01:41.360 | You know, it's a, oh, I have this thing.

00:01:44.480 | It's really common.

00:01:45.300 | It's really annoying.

00:01:46.140 | I should do something about this

00:01:48.200 | because otherwise, it makes my life really hard right now

00:01:50.600 | and my knee hurts, but also because it hurts.

00:01:52.840 | It's making me walk differently

00:01:53.980 | and I might get like even bigger problems going forward.

00:01:56.800 | Let's get it treated.

00:01:57.720 | And that's the right way to think

00:01:58.680 | about overwhelming negative ruminations.

00:02:01.000 | Your knee's hurting you.

00:02:01.840 | It's time to get it fixed.

00:02:03.120 | There is a lot of good approaches to fixing rumination.

00:02:08.460 | In particular, second wave and third wave psychotherapy

00:02:13.920 | are essentially focused like a laser

00:02:17.700 | on ruminations and how to dissipate it.

00:02:19.660 | With first wave psychotherapy, which is talk therapy,

00:02:23.740 | the Freud influence therapy and analysis,

00:02:26.040 | this is what people think about from Woody Allen movies

00:02:28.400 | and is talking about your kids

00:02:29.720 | and your childhood and your life.

00:02:31.480 | Second and third wave psychotherapy

00:02:32.940 | are much more evidence-based

00:02:34.160 | and it says we need to tackle ruminations.

00:02:36.360 | So second wave psychotherapy

00:02:37.960 | is from understanding my history correctly,

00:02:40.560 | and I hope I'm getting my terminology correct.

00:02:42.720 | Second wave psychotherapy is defined most notably

00:02:46.880 | by cognitive behavioral therapy.

00:02:48.920 | This is where you directly address ruminations

00:02:52.400 | and point out the distortions in the thinking.

00:02:55.080 | You give names to the distortions.

00:02:56.680 | You separate yourself from the rumination

00:02:58.560 | and you try to diffuse their power.

00:03:00.320 | Tanya, if you're looking for an introduction

00:03:03.480 | to second wave psychotherapy,

00:03:04.720 | the proper book to look at is titled "Feeling Good."

00:03:08.980 | Big bestseller from either the 1970s or the 1980s

00:03:13.560 | that walks through all the principles

00:03:15.480 | of cognitive behavioral therapy.

00:03:17.300 | Third wave psychotherapy is best defined

00:03:21.720 | by ACT, acceptance commitment therapy.

00:03:25.020 | It's similar, again, it's rumination-based,

00:03:27.820 | but here it has more of an Eastern-motivated approach

00:03:32.740 | of noting all the negative ruminations,

00:03:36.000 | not resisting them, but also not entertaining them,

00:03:40.820 | and persisting with committing

00:03:42.660 | to useful value-driven behavior regardless.

00:03:44.660 | So it's a sort of diffusing of,

00:03:47.100 | it's just this thing that's,

00:03:48.700 | there's this voice and I have a name for it

00:03:51.060 | and I have a name for the character

00:03:52.700 | and he's just in there doing all this chatter

00:03:54.480 | and I sort of like, okay, I'm good to see you there,

00:03:56.300 | but I'm gonna go on and do this thing I think is important.

00:03:59.020 | So you see like ACT, for example,

00:04:02.500 | ACT is very effective for anxiety-related issues,

00:04:07.380 | panic attacks, for example, where it's like,

00:04:09.060 | well, yeah, bad things could happen,

00:04:10.700 | but this stuff matters, I'm just gonna go forward with it.

00:04:13.180 | Cognitive behavioral therapy tends to be very good

00:04:15.640 | for more of a negative rumination

00:04:17.820 | on your sort of depressive ruminations.

00:04:20.620 | So you can intervene, it's like, no, that's stupid.

00:04:23.260 | Not everyone was embarrassed by me.

00:04:25.620 | And the fact that that guy said this thing at the meeting

00:04:27.740 | doesn't mean that everyone thinks I'm dumb.

00:04:29.220 | So CBT is very good for that backward-thinking rumination.

00:04:32.180 | ACT is very good for forward-thinking rumination.

00:04:34.860 | It's like, that stuff could happen, probably won't,

00:04:37.580 | but I'm gonna live my life and you get used to it.

00:04:40.280 | So they have different approaches.

00:04:43.880 | If you're looking for the good consumer public-facing book

00:04:46.860 | on third-wave psychotherapy, look at "The Happiness Trap,"

00:04:50.780 | which we talked about in a recent book as well.

00:04:53.820 | So Tanya, buy those books first.

00:04:56.640 | See which of these resonates more with you.

00:04:58.780 | And I would read both of these books

00:05:00.140 | and see which of these resonates more

00:05:01.700 | with your particular brand of rumination.

00:05:03.740 | It's possible that just the ideas in these books themselves,

00:05:07.640 | you start doing the exercises

00:05:09.060 | and you immediately see improvement.

00:05:10.700 | This happens with a lot of people.

00:05:12.420 | If you're not seeing improvement immediately,

00:05:14.240 | then you get a professional therapist involved.

00:05:16.180 | What do they do?

00:05:17.020 | They're professionals that are administering

00:05:18.660 | these evidence-based ideas on minimizing rumination.

00:05:22.340 | They're the brand equivalent of the knee doctor.

00:05:24.900 | The reason why I'm suggesting you buy these books first

00:05:27.220 | is that when you're looking for a therapist,

00:05:28.860 | now you know what type you're looking for.

00:05:31.140 | And so if you're dealing with negative ruminations

00:05:33.560 | on your past and CBT really resonates,

00:05:35.660 | then you're looking for a cognitive behavioral therapist.

00:05:38.340 | If you're dealing with anxiety and forward-facing ruminations

00:05:41.300 | and the ideas from ACT are resonating,

00:05:44.140 | then you look for a therapist

00:05:45.380 | that says they're an ACT practitioner.

00:05:46.580 | So now you can be kind of selective in who you're choosing.

00:05:49.500 | One of our sponsors, for example, BetterHelp,

00:05:52.060 | is an easy way to get involved in professional therapy

00:05:55.380 | that's cheaper and more flexible

00:05:56.700 | than trying to find someone who happens to be open nearby,

00:05:59.040 | but maybe you also just know of someone nearby.

00:06:01.740 | But this is what I would say.

00:06:02.580 | Take this seriously.

00:06:04.420 | What you're facing is incredibly common,

00:06:06.700 | but you do want to get on top of it.

00:06:08.300 | We have a lot of tools to get on top of it.

00:06:10.140 | Learn the tools, and if needed,

00:06:11.860 | find a professional to help you administer them.

00:06:15.520 | - All right, let's do another question, Jesse.

00:06:18.760 | - Next question's from Mark.

00:06:20.880 | I have a good routine in place for my deep work.

00:06:23.520 | My desk is cleared from all documents,

00:06:25.680 | same for my computer.

00:06:27.180 | I set out exactly what I want out of the session

00:06:29.240 | and how long it should take.

00:06:30.560 | I then do a deep, do a loop around the inside

00:06:33.440 | of the building twice, clearing my head

00:06:35.520 | while listening to binaural beats.

00:06:38.500 | I then do two minutes of breathing exercises outside.

00:06:41.660 | Then as soon as the door opens, it's showtime.

00:06:44.360 | My problem is shower work.

00:06:46.280 | When I block off even to do specific shower work,

00:06:49.600 | my mind wanders all the time,

00:06:51.080 | and I find it difficult to get things done.

00:06:53.400 | Do you do anything ritual-wise before shower work?

00:06:56.440 | - Well, first of all, I like this deep work ritual.

00:06:59.320 | - Yeah.

00:07:00.160 | - What do you have?

00:07:00.980 | Okay, let's summarize.

00:07:03.160 | Clean desk, clean computer desktop,

00:07:06.140 | lay out a plan for the deep work session,

00:07:10.260 | what I'm going to do and how long it's going to take,

00:07:12.680 | a loop around the inside of the building twice

00:07:14.680 | while listening to these, I don't know what this was either,

00:07:17.480 | binaural beats.

00:07:19.480 | - I think you guys are from Huberman.

00:07:21.440 | - Oh, okay, excellent.

00:07:23.120 | So it's probably a specific,

00:07:24.800 | what's this, like a white noise type thing?

00:07:26.520 | - Yeah.

00:07:27.360 | - Okay.

00:07:28.400 | Two minutes of breathing exercise outside,

00:07:30.680 | and then opens the door and goes into work.

00:07:33.080 | Cool deep work ritual.

00:07:34.960 | We talk about these all the time.

00:07:36.720 | Deep work is unnatural,

00:07:38.480 | and so we have to sort of trick our brain

00:07:40.100 | into wanting to do it.

00:07:41.120 | So having a really multimedia, multi-sensory,

00:07:46.120 | highly repetitive ritual that comes right before deep work,

00:07:50.280 | eventually your brain builds

00:07:51.760 | this automatic reflexive connection

00:07:53.960 | that you finish this ritual and it's ready to execute.

00:07:57.260 | There's a good question.

00:07:59.160 | Should we be doing something similar for shallow work?

00:08:02.720 | And I think it's a good question

00:08:03.960 | because I think we don't treat shallow work

00:08:06.880 | with enough respect,

00:08:08.680 | at least from the standpoint of cognitive preparation.

00:08:13.620 | Now, something we've been talking about

00:08:14.800 | more and more on this show

00:08:16.440 | is the cost of loading up a cognitive context

00:08:19.960 | and how this is difficult and takes time.

00:08:21.720 | So like before you're doing deep work,

00:08:23.880 | one of the reasons why these rituals are helpful,

00:08:26.000 | like Mark just talked about,

00:08:27.040 | is not just because it reflexively puts your mind

00:08:29.240 | into a deep work mode,

00:08:30.680 | but you're clearing out,

00:08:32.080 | you're giving your brain time

00:08:34.200 | to clear out unrelated old cognitive context

00:08:37.240 | and load up the context of the work you're about to do.

00:08:40.120 | Part of what's effective about this ritual then

00:08:42.000 | is that Mark reviews everything he's going to do

00:08:44.080 | at the beginning of the ritual,

00:08:45.920 | initiating the loading of that context.

00:08:48.400 | And this ritual takes enough time

00:08:50.600 | that he can start clearing out the context

00:08:52.440 | of whatever email or Zoom nonsense

00:08:54.840 | he was doing right before the deep work session.

00:08:57.160 | And the ritual is all activities

00:08:58.780 | that aren't gonna trigger other types of context as well.

00:09:01.340 | It's listening and walking

00:09:02.720 | and nothing that's related to work.

00:09:04.560 | And so part of why this deep work ritual is effective

00:09:06.960 | is that he shows up loaded from a brain perspective

00:09:09.640 | to do exactly that work.

00:09:10.960 | Now I think a shallow work often requires

00:09:13.680 | those contexts as well,

00:09:15.840 | but we don't treat it with the same respect.

00:09:18.660 | So it might seem like the most shallow thing in the planet

00:09:20.960 | that I'm gonna answer emails.

00:09:23.360 | This isn't deep work.

00:09:24.280 | I'm not writing the great American novel.

00:09:25.840 | I'm answering emails.

00:09:26.960 | But from a cognitive standpoint,

00:09:28.440 | each of those emails has this complicated social,

00:09:31.480 | professional context that you need to fully load

00:09:34.560 | to figure out how to carefully word your response.

00:09:38.240 | And if you just haphazardly just jump in

00:09:40.080 | and start typing emails,

00:09:41.040 | your brain's like, I am not ready for this.

00:09:43.440 | And then when you switch to another email

00:09:45.520 | from a client that's completely unrelated

00:09:47.240 | to what you were just doing,

00:09:48.080 | your brain plays the comic break squealing sound,

00:09:51.520 | like, wait a second, we're not ready to do this either.

00:09:54.400 | And you feel that real resistance.

00:09:56.240 | And I think that's what Mark is pointing out here.

00:09:58.920 | It's because you don't have the right stuff loaded up.

00:10:00.840 | You're trying to force information out of your brain

00:10:03.040 | that it's not ready to do.

00:10:04.340 | And so this is a good time to declare

00:10:07.040 | that for certain types of shallow work,

00:10:08.560 | yeah, let's ritualize some of that as well.

00:10:10.720 | So for email, let's start with that example.

00:10:14.740 | Let's take your email inbox,

00:10:17.680 | and I'm gonna give you a ritual right now.

00:10:20.100 | Let's go through the single threading exercise

00:10:22.000 | we talked about earlier in the show.

00:10:24.200 | Break up the emails

00:10:25.320 | into different cognitive context subject matters.

00:10:28.540 | If you're using Gmail, you can label and archive them.

00:10:31.380 | So they're all with a common label.

00:10:33.820 | By the way, here's another hack on that.

00:10:35.420 | You don't have to actually give content specific names

00:10:39.720 | to these labels, because there could be over time,

00:10:42.100 | dozens and dozens of different relevant cognitive context.

00:10:46.040 | Just label them context one, context two, context three,

00:10:48.220 | context four, context five, up to context 10.

00:10:51.120 | Doesn't matter what the names are.

00:10:51.960 | It's just you have some way of, okay,

00:10:53.460 | oh, there's a bunch of emails about this very specific thing.

00:10:55.500 | I'll call that context three.

00:10:58.340 | So do that, right?

00:10:59.180 | So figure out like what are the different topics

00:11:01.220 | I have to answer in my inbox?

00:11:03.080 | Label them, put them together and get them all out of sight.

00:11:06.960 | Now you can say, what am I gonna tackle first?

00:11:09.100 | Context one.

00:11:09.940 | Now I'm gonna do the two laps in the building

00:11:11.540 | that I did before my deep work.

00:11:13.540 | But now the point of these two laps is to begin loading up

00:11:18.100 | the relevant circuits for context one.

00:11:21.300 | And just think in your head while you're walking,

00:11:23.140 | okay, these emails are all about a conference

00:11:25.540 | that's coming up.

00:11:26.500 | Let's start thinking about the conference.

00:11:27.980 | What's going on?

00:11:28.820 | Let me get that context loaded.

00:11:29.860 | You sit down at your desk, load up just that context.

00:11:32.580 | Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:11:33.420 | Answer those emails.

00:11:34.260 | All right, what's context two?

00:11:35.220 | I'm up two laps around the building.

00:11:36.980 | Switching to that context, starting to think through,

00:11:41.020 | okay, these are all emails about a project.

00:11:43.620 | Where am I on the project?

00:11:44.780 | Well, you know, what do I really need to do here?

00:11:47.220 | You know what?

00:11:48.040 | We're really behind.

00:11:48.880 | I think maybe we need to do a more drastic reset.

00:11:50.580 | Start thinking about it as a way to get the context shifted.

00:11:54.020 | Do a couple laps around the building.

00:11:55.300 | Sit down, boom, email, email, email, email.

00:11:57.220 | So why don't we do the same type of rituals

00:12:00.160 | around this particular shallow work task?

00:12:01.620 | I like that.

00:12:02.460 | Let me give you another shallow work ritual

00:12:04.220 | 'cause I'm on a roll now, Mark.

00:12:05.180 | I like your idea.

00:12:06.900 | I've got a Zoom meeting.

00:12:08.860 | All right, well, here's what I'm gonna do.

00:12:10.020 | I'm gonna put that Zoom meeting on my calendar

00:12:11.740 | and I'm gonna put 20 minutes

00:12:13.020 | after that Zoom meeting on my calendar right after.

00:12:16.220 | As soon as I put that meeting on my calendar,

00:12:18.020 | I extended that appointment by 20 minutes.

00:12:20.680 | And so as soon as this meeting is over,

00:12:24.300 | I'm gonna write down all my notes

00:12:26.300 | and I'm gonna just walk and think about that meeting.

00:12:29.620 | Laps around the building, walk around the block.

00:12:31.940 | All right, what just happened there?

00:12:33.940 | What do I really need to do next?

00:12:36.220 | You know, was that really a good idea?

00:12:38.020 | Are we missing some information?

00:12:39.540 | What are the right steps here?

00:12:40.820 | Actually, I should not do those steps

00:12:42.180 | and just talk to Paul and like,

00:12:43.780 | we probably need to just...

00:12:45.860 | This is gonna be a longer conversation

00:12:47.280 | and maybe we...

00:12:48.120 | And you just start thinking about it.

00:12:48.940 | You're loading, you know, you're thinking about it.

00:12:51.000 | You're trying to make sense of it.

00:12:52.100 | You sit down and you send out the emails.

00:12:54.860 | You update all your to-do list.

00:12:56.580 | You go in your calendar.

00:12:57.540 | You're like, this is great.

00:12:58.760 | This is all out of my mind.

00:12:59.940 | And I still have 10 minutes left.

00:13:01.540 | Now I can just reset.

00:13:04.180 | All right, what's next?

00:13:05.460 | So we have a ritual there following shallow work

00:13:07.680 | to process all the details, close all the loops

00:13:09.680 | and give your brain a breather.

00:13:11.180 | So again, a shallow work ritual that could be important.

00:13:16.020 | I'll give you one more as long as we're thinking about it.

00:13:18.300 | What about physical tasks?

00:13:21.140 | I gotta get this thing from the store and mail this letter.

00:13:24.700 | Put those all together.

00:13:26.500 | Say, great, I put these all together.

00:13:27.900 | I have a whole hour.

00:13:29.100 | I'm listening to, you know,

00:13:30.620 | I have a book I'm excited to listen to on tape

00:13:32.820 | and I'm just gonna use this almost meditatively.

00:13:35.700 | Just I have this big list.

00:13:36.740 | I can start checking things off while I'm here.

00:13:38.260 | I'll go to this store, then I'll go to that store

00:13:39.700 | and just sort of feel this feel of just physical progress

00:13:41.980 | of tasks being checked off your list

00:13:43.700 | while you're listening to an interesting book or something

00:13:45.540 | and make that into a whole organized ritual

00:13:48.740 | of I'm now in task mode and I'm really leaning into it.

00:13:51.640 | So I think the bigger point here, Mark,

00:13:54.300 | which you've sparked in me, which I'm liking,

00:13:57.180 | is this notion that shallow work can be

00:13:59.140 | as cognitively demanding as deep work in certain aspects,

00:14:02.700 | in particular, when it comes to the complexity

00:14:04.980 | of the context surrounding different types of shallow work.

00:14:07.460 | So having some rituals that respect that

00:14:09.540 | might make the same shallow work seem much easier.

00:14:12.040 | So we shouldn't be dismissive about shallow work.

00:14:15.100 | Well, that's just something you can do whenever

00:14:16.500 | and it's easy and all I care about is the deep work.

00:14:18.380 | I really need to care about my mind.

00:14:20.100 | We gotta care about our minds for everything we do

00:14:22.380 | in the knowledge for context, deep and shallow combined.

00:14:26.540 | Hey, if you liked this video,

00:14:27.660 | I think you'll really like this one as well.

Why Your Inner Voice Is So Cruel & How To Declutter Your Life | Cal Newport

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