2024-05-01_Framework_to_Find_and_Attract_the_Spouse_of_Your

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00:00:30.400 | Welcome to Radical Personal Finance, a show dedicated to providing you with the knowledge,

00:00:33.160 | skills, insights, and encouragement you need to live a rich and meaningful life now, while

00:00:37.240 | building a plan for financial freedom in 10 years or less.

00:00:40.080 | My name is Joshua Sheets.

00:00:41.080 | I am your host.

00:00:42.080 | And on today's episode of the podcast, I want to share with you a fairly comprehensive

00:00:47.720 | outline of how to find and attract a very high quality spouse.

00:00:54.680 | That is my goal, to give you a formula, a list of things that you can do that will help

00:00:59.440 | you to attract and find, find and attract, let's get it in the right order, find and

00:01:03.920 | attract a high quality spouse.

00:01:06.600 | Now you might be quickly hastening to say, Joshua, but Joshua, this show is called Radical

00:01:11.680 | Personal Finance.

00:01:13.200 | What does this have to do with personal finance?

00:01:16.080 | And my answer here as I begin is quite a lot, quite a lot.

00:01:21.100 | Now I could take, if I were more courageous, I could take the track to say that one of

00:01:26.200 | the best and most reliable pathways to your wealth and financial independence is to find

00:01:31.760 | and marry a rich person.

00:01:34.360 | I would like to do that show because it's certainly something that people talk about.

00:01:38.560 | We know that it's true.

00:01:39.720 | We know that some people do find and find love and marry for money.

00:01:45.520 | And tell you what, there's a lot of thing that seems really attractive to it, of finding

00:01:50.200 | somebody rich and marrying that person.

00:01:52.640 | I'm not quite courageous enough to tackle that subject.

00:01:55.240 | I'll let you do that, simply because I don't consider that to be an ideal soul quality

00:02:01.840 | to judge someone by and I don't necessarily know how to do it.

00:02:05.960 | I don't know how to go out into the world and attract and find, you know, a rich heiress

00:02:11.440 | of some kind who can support me in my lifestyle.

00:02:14.800 | I've known a couple of men who have done this.

00:02:17.520 | Being from Palm Beach, Florida, I have known a couple of men who, a friend of mine who

00:02:22.380 | ran a stationary shop had married a very wealthy lady and he ran the shop, could give him something

00:02:27.520 | to do but she supported him and did really well.

00:02:31.800 | But my reticence just comes down to being a man and I would have a hard time respecting

00:02:35.480 | myself of going after that.

00:02:37.160 | I think there's a difference between men and women in this regard where finding and marrying

00:02:42.080 | a rich man seems to be a little easier for women to accomplish in some cases than it

00:02:46.240 | is for men.

00:02:47.240 | I think the kind of man who's going out looking for a rich woman is often not very attractive

00:02:51.580 | to the rich woman in question.

00:02:54.240 | So I'll let someone with more courage than me tackle that.

00:02:56.640 | On a more mundane level though, I want to tell you why this is a financial topic and

00:03:00.520 | there are two things related to it.

00:03:02.240 | Number one, on its face, it's obvious that your marriage decisions will impact all of

00:03:08.920 | your financial planning.

00:03:10.560 | We know that the amount of income that you earn, the amount of wealth that you accumulate,

00:03:15.320 | the specific expenses and obligations that you have throughout your lifetime, all of

00:03:19.480 | these are going to be affected by your decision to marry or not marry.

00:03:23.160 | We know that on the positive side, marriage is a very good indicator that is reliably

00:03:29.000 | going to be one of the factors that means you're likely to wind up in the top cohort

00:03:33.640 | of your peers in terms of wealth accumulation, income, all of the financial statistics are

00:03:38.360 | very strongly in favor of those who marry.

00:03:41.180 | On the contrary, we know that those who divorce often experience an enormous financial destruction

00:03:47.080 | and it's one of the biggest risks that you can face in your life and so it's certainly

00:03:50.560 | one of those things that matters.

00:03:53.040 | The reason I like to talk about it and want to talk about it is that I always have an

00:03:57.680 | interest of going basically a level back, going a step upstream and that's how I think

00:04:03.520 | about a topic like this.

00:04:05.760 | I want you to pretend for a moment that you were part – you grew up in a tribe of Indians

00:04:14.040 | in the Amazon somewhere and you have zero contact with the modern world, you're living

00:04:18.900 | out in a rural environment and you decide for some reason to take up an interest in

00:04:24.320 | personal finance.

00:04:25.520 | Well, the first thing that would happen would be you would simply have to figure out some

00:04:31.000 | reason to take an interest in personal finance because in a primitive setting like that,

00:04:36.720 | the whole concept of finance and money and everything like that is just not applicable.

00:04:42.440 | It's only applicable in the modern world.

00:04:45.400 | So let's pretend that you were going to take good financial advice.

00:04:48.160 | Well, the first thing that you would do would be to start to engage in the modern world.

00:04:53.840 | You wouldn't engage in the modern world at the level of saving money into a retirement

00:04:58.600 | account or lowering your tax bill.

00:05:00.920 | You would engage in the modern world on the level of learning how to earn money, learning

00:05:05.560 | how to earn income for wages, learning how to spend money.

00:05:08.800 | But if we take it a step back further, we can see that behind all of these decisions

00:05:12.800 | there's always one more level, one more level, one more level, one more level.

00:05:17.480 | And so if we look at somebody who is, let's say, a stereotypical aristocrat born and raised

00:05:24.520 | with a silver spoon in his mouth, and we go back to the very beginning, what we'll see

00:05:29.080 | is that there are so many levels that ultimately produce that aristocrat that if we plumb the

00:05:36.760 | depths of those we can learn from them.

00:05:39.760 | We can go all the way back to the foundation of a civilization.

00:05:43.240 | We can go – and what I'm saying here is we can go back before genetic seed, right?

00:05:48.440 | The topic of genetics is an important component of personal finance because we are all a basic

00:05:54.480 | product of our genes.

00:05:56.160 | And so the ability that our parents had to find and attract one another and produce intelligent

00:06:02.120 | and handsome children is a fundamental aspect of our long-term financial success.

00:06:07.640 | We can even go back to the society, the society that is stable and holds us.

00:06:13.000 | And so my point is that when we talk about finance, if we exclusively restrict our conversation

00:06:20.080 | to those things that are covered on the CFP exam, we can approach one level of success.

00:06:26.400 | But for everything that is covered on the CFP exam, if you go back one more level, you

00:06:31.920 | can often find a factor that, if it's optimized, can sweep everything else away.

00:06:38.640 | Again, the example I always like to use is simply you can practice frugal living and

00:06:45.120 | savings and good investing over time, but if you just have an enormous income or build

00:06:49.880 | an enormous business, then all of the need for the day-to-day penny-pinching stuff goes

00:06:54.580 | out the window.

00:06:55.840 | So it would behoove us to spend time focusing on the things that are one level up.

00:07:01.080 | And today's podcast is one of those things.

00:07:04.560 | And so I believe that this is a financial topic, and that's why I want to present it

00:07:09.200 | to you in the context of radical personal finance, because it's one of those foundational

00:07:15.040 | topics that most people don't cover.

00:07:17.200 | But if you get this right, it can go really well.

00:07:21.200 | Back to the marrying a rich spouse is simply that my wife got it right.

00:07:26.160 | She married me, and I've paid every bill, and she's had as much money as she needed

00:07:30.920 | ever since that time.

00:07:32.760 | And so her pathway to financial independence, in her case, depended very much on her getting

00:07:40.900 | the marriage thing right.

00:07:42.040 | And we didn't have an easy road into marriage, but once we got on that road, then everything

00:07:47.760 | worked out well enough for her, at least so far.

00:07:50.000 | Now, that's not to say that things couldn't go wrong in the future.

00:07:53.400 | We have to protect against that.

00:07:54.900 | That's why we talk about life insurance and health insurance and proper divorce planning

00:08:00.920 | and all the stuff that goes with everything, so that it continues to go right with her.

00:08:07.200 | But that these concepts and what I'm going to share is fundamentally important.

00:08:12.040 | And so if you want to marry rich, you want to marry a rich man or a rich woman, I'm going

00:08:16.840 | to describe to you in this podcast a formula as to how you can accomplish that and get

00:08:23.200 | you on the road to that if that's something that you are interested in.

00:08:27.720 | If you are just interested in marrying somebody who has other qualities that you admire, I'm

00:08:31.320 | going to give you a formula in today's podcast to help you accomplish those personal goals.

00:08:36.960 | Before I get to that formula, I want to also give one quick apologetic for marriage.

00:08:43.540 | There are two basic decisions that shape the actual experience you have of life over the

00:08:48.380 | long term.

00:08:50.600 | Decisions to marry or not marry and decisions to have children or not have children are

00:08:55.240 | two of those basic decisions.

00:08:57.040 | There are a couple others, but those are two fundamental decisions.

00:09:00.880 | Now separately in other episodes of the podcast, I've talked about the decision to have children.

00:09:04.760 | I've tried to make an apologetic for that most people should consider having children.

00:09:09.180 | I want to make a quick apologetic here for marriage.

00:09:13.280 | And I want to talk about why I feel such a burden to share this formula and help you.

00:09:18.360 | It has to do with, frankly, the success of our culture on a broad macro level all the

00:09:24.560 | way down to a personal level, the just simple happiness that you and I will experience by

00:09:29.760 | being well-partnered in life.

00:09:32.320 | Historically all successful and enduring societies have built some kind of social construct that

00:09:39.920 | naturally funneled most young people into marriage and procreation, family growth.

00:09:46.600 | If a society is not able to accomplish that, it will fail in the fullness of time.

00:09:52.240 | Every society that is not able to create a stable population that stabilizes the needs

00:09:57.000 | and the desires of young men and women ultimately falls to some influence.

00:10:02.380 | You oftentimes, for example, if you have a polygamous society, you'll often have so much

00:10:06.440 | unrest by the unwed men in society who aren't able to compete with the high value men who

00:10:12.600 | take all the wives that results in social decay over time.

00:10:18.560 | You have societies in which there's men and women are kept separate, just they collapse

00:10:24.260 | over time.

00:10:25.260 | And then ultimately if a society doesn't have children, doesn't maintain high birth rates,

00:10:29.040 | it gets subsumed by some other society that does.

00:10:32.840 | So our society, the one that you and I live in, also previously had such a social construct

00:10:40.400 | that naturally funneled most young people into marriage and family growth.

00:10:45.000 | But speaking broadly of Western civilization, U.S. American culture that I come from, and

00:10:51.320 | perhaps the various subcultures and microcultures that I represent and you represent to some

00:10:55.960 | degree, our society once did that, but that's broadly collapsed.

00:11:00.920 | We have replaced the shaping power of marriage as an institution that forms people with the

00:11:08.920 | false belief that only perfect and perfectly self-actualized human beings should marry.

00:11:17.040 | We have replaced raising children as a natural and normal life goal with alternative goals,

00:11:22.760 | such as making money and retiring early as the primary life goals to pursue.

00:11:28.160 | So if you and I desire for our families, our cultures, and our societies to continue and

00:11:33.560 | to flourish, we have to change some of these problems.

00:11:38.360 | And because this is all upstream of finance, if we don't get it right, our financial lives

00:11:44.960 | are much, much more difficult.

00:11:46.860 | If we live in a society of increased cultural conflict due to poorly partnered men and women,

00:11:55.680 | if we live in a society that is old, growing older, graying, even all of our welfare programs

00:12:01.680 | fall apart, our social security and other government benefits that would see to us in

00:12:05.820 | our old age, these are all predicated upon a young and growing society.

00:12:09.880 | And so we would have much bigger problems.

00:12:13.820 | And so we want to talk about this stuff and we want to deal with it straight on.

00:12:17.720 | And we want to focus on dealing with it straight on so that we can develop strategies to help

00:12:23.520 | ourselves and also our children so that our society becomes one that is expanding and

00:12:28.980 | growing and spreading out and subsuming other inferior cultures in the fullness of time.

00:12:36.840 | The decision to marry is largely based upon your meeting an acceptable marriage partner

00:12:43.440 | at an appropriate phase of life and then being able to successfully attract and woo that

00:12:50.440 | person into a committed marriage with you.

00:12:53.800 | I think the default natural evidence-based desire or decision for most people should

00:13:00.480 | be to marry.

00:13:01.980 | That should be the default choice.

00:13:04.460 | And we should not shy away from installing that default choice, that default ambition

00:13:10.680 | into our children, into our neighbors, into our society around.

00:13:15.600 | We know that all of the sociological data that we have shows that whether by objective

00:13:20.800 | metrics such as health, health span, life span, or subjective metrics such as self-reported

00:13:28.120 | happiness and satisfaction with life or various other self-reported metrics, that married

00:13:32.760 | people outperform unmarried people on, I want to say all, I'd say most because I haven't

00:13:38.760 | seen all, all the ones that I've ever seen.

00:13:41.060 | I don't know of a metric that married people don't outperform unmarried people on.

00:13:48.220 | Now we obviously need to think carefully about survivorship bias because divorced people,

00:13:52.980 | especially recently divorced people, tend to have a very low opinion of marriage.

00:13:56.460 | And they want to contradict all of the data and statistics that I have just said.

00:14:01.420 | Although their opinion of marriage somehow tends to change over time.

00:14:05.020 | I've lived long enough now to work with and talk with a number of people who have gotten

00:14:10.300 | married then gotten divorced and there's a remarkable chain of events that tends to happen.

00:14:16.580 | Within the months and sometimes years immediately after divorce, you'll hear people swear by

00:14:22.820 | everything that is dear to them that they will never ever again marry.

00:14:26.940 | And then something happens sometime later.

00:14:29.140 | Usually they meet a certain someone or a certain series of someones and they kind of soften

00:14:33.320 | up and then all of a sudden they're married again and they're proclaiming the benefits

00:14:37.300 | of their best decision ever.

00:14:39.780 | There are some who go the other way and follow through on that long-term vow not to marry,

00:14:43.580 | but there are few and far in between.

00:14:45.600 | And so we should be careful here.

00:14:47.780 | Obviously I don't want to deal flippantly with any of these things.

00:14:50.620 | These are important.

00:14:51.820 | But our bias should be that all of the evidence is that most people should marry.

00:14:56.140 | And that, again, the metrics that we can measure indicate that they're better off in the fullness

00:15:00.780 | of time.

00:15:01.940 | And we shouldn't be ashamed to study those metrics, learn from them, and then share them

00:15:06.100 | with others.

00:15:07.300 | Because even when talking about divorce and its damaging effects, what I'm talking about

00:15:12.540 | in this podcast is going to be fundamental to avoiding that.

00:15:16.900 | Divorce does not happen accidentally or randomly.

00:15:19.500 | It's not randomly distributed.

00:15:22.020 | There's an effect that comes from certain causes.

00:15:25.060 | And while not all causes of divorce can be avoided for all people, many or at least I

00:15:30.900 | would say most or at least many of them can be avoided by better attention to the formula

00:15:37.540 | that I'm going to give you here in this podcast.

00:15:40.740 | We know that other lifestyles really don't work in the long term.

00:15:45.020 | For example, singleness, or let's just start with celibacy, single celibacy is not a long-term

00:15:52.140 | winner for most people just due to their basic biological urges.

00:15:56.820 | There are some people who have been able to master those urges, but in general long-term

00:16:01.740 | celibacy is not a lifestyle that most people have pursued voluntarily.

00:16:06.280 | We know that promiscuous sexual behavior outside of marriage is empty and/or hollow for most

00:16:14.660 | normal people after some amount of time.

00:16:18.140 | Sometimes it's empty and hollow very quickly.

00:16:20.300 | Some people go on for a decade living a promiscuous lifestyle of fornication and then they realize

00:16:25.920 | that that really wasn't a big winner and they ultimately change and walk away from that.

00:16:32.000 | There are some people who don't.

00:16:34.300 | Our society is full of psychopaths and sociopaths and perverts and we can go through the names

00:16:41.580 | of P. Diddy in the news right now or Jeffrey Epstein or Harvey Weinstein or Kevin Spacey

00:16:47.260 | or Oscar Wilde or Marquis de Sade or all of these perverts that throughout history have

00:16:52.660 | been around.

00:16:53.660 | We know that sociopaths and psychopaths will continue in their destructive behavior and

00:16:57.660 | we have to restrain them as a society.

00:17:00.340 | But generally speaking, most arrangements other than one man, one woman marriage don't

00:17:06.940 | work in the long term.

00:17:09.060 | So it's better for us to give attention to what we know does work effectively, what should

00:17:15.620 | be the default option for people, to teach our young people that this should be the default

00:17:20.300 | option because we know that it's the best default option and then try to solve the issues

00:17:25.940 | that arise from that.

00:17:28.820 | So rather than sacrificing a generation to wander around with a lifelong pursuit of self-actualization

00:17:35.180 | and arrive at the end of life wondering if it was worth it, since we can measure that

00:17:40.100 | stuff pretty effectively, we should focus more on solving the problems with marriage

00:17:45.780 | itself and then our next generation will be in a stronger place.

00:17:53.500 | And so how do we solve some of the issues with marriage?

00:17:56.020 | Well some of them ultimately are legal and there's many layers that some are cultural,

00:18:01.180 | some are social, but at its core we have the best chance of solving the problems that are

00:18:06.020 | closest to us.

00:18:07.620 | And I think there are a couple that I want to really focus on.

00:18:10.620 | First we diligently prepare people for marriage, especially by making sure that individuals

00:18:18.140 | have a good exposure to the world, a good sense of who they are and what they're looking

00:18:22.920 | for in life.

00:18:24.420 | And then we give individuals, unmarried individuals, the tools to attract a high-quality spouse

00:18:31.020 | so that they would have the best possible chance of building an enduring and high-quality

00:18:35.820 | marriage relationship.

00:18:37.820 | So I'd like to talk about how do we prepare young people for marriage.

00:18:42.340 | Because if you start doing what I'm doing and you talk about what I'm about to do, you

00:18:46.380 | speak about marriage while young, you will quickly hear and receive a well-intended,

00:18:52.580 | well-meaning objection.

00:18:54.420 | Someone will say, "We don't want people to get married too young.

00:18:57.860 | After all, young people don't even know themselves or they haven't even had a chance to get to

00:19:01.140 | know the world in some way.

00:19:03.700 | Marrying too young is a problem."

00:19:05.640 | And I'm inclined myself to agree with this objection.

00:19:09.420 | I don't want to encourage marriage that is too young.

00:19:14.200 | But before I agree with the objection, let me point out the hypocrisy of this objection

00:19:20.620 | in our current moment.

00:19:23.860 | In most of our societies, we have decided to treat 18-year-old men and 18-year-old women

00:19:29.460 | as competent humans.

00:19:32.940 | We consider them competent to cast a vote in a democratic election.

00:19:37.500 | We consider them competent to go to war and die, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

00:19:44.780 | We consider them competent to get tattoos, to go through a sex change surgery, to commit

00:19:50.740 | crimes and be held fully responsible for their actions and the results of their actions.

00:19:57.740 | We consider them competent to get themselves euthanized in some countries.

00:20:02.380 | And we consider them competent to marry.

00:20:05.260 | Now, of that list of things, and you could expand the list into many other things, but

00:20:10.940 | of that list, marriage, in my judgment, is probably the least harmful possible decision

00:20:17.500 | of any of those things.

00:20:19.140 | Now, the tattooed among us would argue with that and the voters would argue with that,

00:20:24.620 | but I think you could extrapolate out and say, "Well, is it really harmless to have

00:20:30.060 | a bunch of 18-year-olds voting when they're so easily swayed by whatever?"

00:20:34.460 | I don't know.

00:20:35.460 | The point is that marriage is a relatively – we know that the long-term outcome of

00:20:39.980 | marriage is a relatively positive and strong.

00:20:43.500 | And so, basically what I'm saying is that if we're going to automatically have the

00:20:47.660 | response that 18-year-olds shouldn't marry, then they definitely shouldn't do any of

00:20:54.420 | the other stuff on that list as well.

00:20:56.660 | Now, we know from the data that, at least in our current paradigm, that there's a higher

00:21:02.820 | rate of divorce for people who marry at 18 as compared to people who marry at 25.

00:21:09.700 | I don't know why that is the case, but I would say that that's why I'm inclined to agree

00:21:14.300 | with the objection.

00:21:15.340 | I'm not trying to get my own children to marry at 18.

00:21:20.460 | But I think that we can do a lot more in the direction of solving this.

00:21:24.020 | First, some of those other things, those other decisions, should be deferred beyond the age

00:21:28.700 | of 18.

00:21:29.980 | If I understand from the medical personnel among us, they say that people's brains – that

00:21:34.900 | people don't even fully mature from an intellectual or mental standpoint until at least mid-20s.

00:21:41.920 | And so, I'd like to tell young people, I tell my own children, that if you're going

00:21:46.020 | to engage in some life-altering decision or behavior, it's probably best to wait until

00:21:52.420 | you're something like 30.

00:21:53.580 | You want to get a tattoo?

00:21:54.740 | Get a tattoo.

00:21:55.740 | But just wait until you're about 30.

00:21:57.740 | People I've noticed who are happiest with their tattoos are the ones who started when

00:22:01.140 | they were fully formed adults, not the ones who went out and impetuously made a decision

00:22:06.540 | when they were as young as possible.

00:22:08.940 | I tell my children, if you want to consume alcohol, that's fine.

00:22:11.860 | Just probably wait until you're 30.

00:22:14.540 | You make smarter decisions.

00:22:16.540 | If your decisions are not encumbered by your inebriation, just wait.

00:22:21.860 | Wait until you can make more mature, intelligent decisions.

00:22:25.060 | And so, most things in life are better off to defer until a later time.

00:22:30.060 | And we could argue that that's the case for marriage.

00:22:33.100 | Now, the problem with marriage is that there are certain periods of life in which certain

00:22:42.980 | things happen better.

00:22:44.860 | And I frequently talk about money-bound goals and time-bound goals.

00:22:48.300 | And with marriage, and especially with procreation, younger tends to have better long-term outcomes.

00:22:55.220 | If you wait until you're 30 to marry, you can still marry well, and you can have children

00:23:00.860 | potentially.

00:23:02.140 | But the statistical likelihood of your marrying your dream partner and/or your having children

00:23:08.860 | is much, much lower.

00:23:10.320 | It's much more likely that most of the dream spouses that you would have loved to be married

00:23:15.780 | to are long gone by the age of 30.

00:23:19.620 | And if you're going to have children, if you start having children at 30 and later, when

00:23:25.060 | your brain is fully matured and fully formed, then you are going to, number one, not have

00:23:32.660 | as much time with those children as you otherwise might have.

00:23:35.140 | Number two, you are probably going to have a more difficult time conceiving and birthing

00:23:39.900 | those children than you otherwise would have.

00:23:41.780 | And number three, you probably won't be able to have enough time to have as many children

00:23:46.220 | as you otherwise would have.

00:23:48.380 | And so marriage is one of those decisions in where, because we have a biological component

00:23:52.660 | of the effect of marriage, we want to be thoughtful about arbitrarily setting a certain age.

00:23:58.500 | And so one of my questions is, how much of this kind of preparation for marriage is cultural

00:24:06.980 | as compared to biological?

00:24:09.220 | I will concede the point that perhaps 18-year-olds are better off having more time for their

00:24:16.220 | brains to develop and for them to grow.

00:24:18.740 | But I also think that we can affect some of these things from a cultural perspective.

00:24:23.300 | Why aren't our 18-year-olds prepared generally for marriage?

00:24:28.740 | Why would you and I shudder if most 17 or 18 or 19-year-old young men and women came

00:24:34.000 | to us and said, "All right, I'm engaged."

00:24:36.340 | And we say, "Is that really a good idea?

00:24:39.140 | Why would both you and I do that?"

00:24:42.620 | And could we do a better job of preparing our young people effectively for marriage?

00:24:49.300 | I think that cultures throughout history have done so.

00:24:52.320 | So why can't we, or at least why couldn't we if we wanted to?

00:24:56.660 | Is it the fact that there's some magical age, for example, is 25 the magical age at which

00:25:03.020 | it makes sense to marry because then you're going to have the statistically lowest chance

00:25:07.300 | of divorce, or is it just that our culture has accomplished certain things that happen

00:25:13.020 | by and around the age of 25 that winds up in that being a good solution?

00:25:19.300 | So I think a good amount of this is a cultural phenomenon.

00:25:22.860 | And so we could change our culture either on a micro level, our family culture, or on

00:25:27.980 | a macro level if we wanted to.

00:25:30.660 | So reasons not to marry young, I've already mentioned maturity, emotional and psychological

00:25:38.100 | maturity.

00:25:39.100 | Certainly, some expressions of maturity are biological, but not all.

00:25:46.140 | It's not uncommon for you to encounter a 30 or 40-year-old who, though his chronological

00:25:52.780 | age has advanced, his psychological and emotional maturity seems stunted for various reasons.

00:25:58.900 | Sometimes there's been some kind of trauma that has stopped the maturing process.

00:26:02.960 | Sometimes it's just disuse, nobody was forced to mature.

00:26:06.220 | And so I think that we could encourage our young people to stronger emotional and psychological

00:26:11.220 | maturity before their biological age would indicate that it's possible.

00:26:17.960 | What about financial stability?

00:26:19.780 | One of the great problems of marrying at 18 would be that very rarely would a young man

00:26:24.060 | or a young woman have any measurable financial stability.

00:26:27.420 | But that's something that we've done.

00:26:29.260 | We've created that system by freezing young people out of the job market, freezing young

00:26:33.760 | people, making it illegal for them to work in many cultures prior to that certain age.

00:26:38.860 | We've created cultures that are very sophisticated and require advanced levels of education and

00:26:43.100 | skills and training before someone can be productive.

00:26:46.460 | And so we could go back and think through the educational process that we use and help

00:26:52.140 | people to be more prepared at a younger age.

00:26:54.900 | Youngers can earn money even in a complex society just like anyone else can.

00:27:00.500 | Or education and career development, our training and educational processes could be adjusted

00:27:06.660 | if we wanted to.

00:27:07.660 | What about life experience?

00:27:09.100 | I think one of the most powerful ones for many people is just to say that at 18 you

00:27:13.260 | don't know yourself because you've had a very constrained life experience.

00:27:17.300 | A natural way that many people would grow up would be to live in one town where their

00:27:23.220 | families from, have one life experience of going through a local school system, and their

00:27:29.620 | only experience of life comes from what they've learned from vicariously through textbooks

00:27:35.220 | or reading or movies or some other thing like that.

00:27:37.880 | And so the young individual will turn 18 years old, go off to college, and it's basically

00:27:43.220 | the first time that that young man or woman has experienced freedom and independence,

00:27:48.180 | the ability to choose who he or she socializes with and interacts with, and you start to

00:27:53.460 | say yes to different kinds of life experience and no to other things.

00:27:57.140 | And it's that process of gaining exposure to varied experiences that often help a young

00:28:03.340 | man or woman to form his or her perspectives on life and help him to be more confident

00:28:08.300 | in what he likes and what she's not into.

00:28:11.900 | But why does that life experience have to begin at 18?

00:28:16.180 | One of my ambitions as a parent is to expose my children very broadly to a diverse experience

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00:28:56.860 | And so this is why I travel and why we try to read very broadly and why we try to interact

00:29:02.660 | with different cultures and different people and have different situations.

00:29:06.320 | And then even that experience of going off at 18, I don't think that that should be the

00:29:10.500 | first time that young men and women experience freedom and voluntary association.

00:29:14.940 | I think it's smart for high schoolers to study abroad in high school rather than just waiting

00:29:18.700 | until 18.

00:29:19.700 | I think that teenagers should go and spend their summers working at jobs where they're

00:29:24.820 | not at home so they experience the maturing effects and all of the things that come.

00:29:29.500 | It shouldn't be delayed until 18.

00:29:31.980 | I think that if we do a better job of exposing our young people to diversity of experience

00:29:39.340 | and diversity of philosophy, then there's probably a stronger possibility that an 18

00:29:46.420 | or 20-year-old would feel confident that, "I know who I am.

00:29:49.660 | I know what I want.

00:29:50.660 | I know what I want to do," and be more ready and more mature with a varied life experience

00:29:58.220 | to move into marriage.

00:30:00.460 | And so there are other factors we could go on.

00:30:02.580 | My point was just to pique your interest and to say, if you don't believe that 18-year-olds

00:30:07.000 | should marry, why don't you believe they should marry?

00:30:11.780 | And take those factors and say, "Are these things that are biological realities that

00:30:19.660 | are unalterable, or are these factors things that could be changed if we molded and adapted

00:30:26.360 | and reshaped our cultures in some way?"

00:30:31.100 | And my answer is that there are a few of those things that fall into Category A, and some

00:30:36.980 | also.

00:30:37.980 | I don't want to create a counterculture that is forced—certainly not one that's forcing—but

00:30:42.540 | I don't want to create a culture that's just mindlessly sweeping young men and women into

00:30:48.060 | marriage as young as possible, but I want to work hard to create a culture in which

00:30:53.980 | there are easy pathways for young men and women to marry when they are young.

00:30:58.800 | Why is youth such an important component?

00:31:00.940 | Why do I care about when young?

00:31:03.180 | In addition to all of the factors that I've alluded to and mentioned—things that marriage

00:31:08.820 | is a transforming influence on young men and people, it has an amazing maturing influence,

00:31:14.020 | that when you marry young you have more time with your marriage partner, with your spouse,

00:31:18.860 | you have more time with your children, everything—when you're younger it's easier to couple up because

00:31:25.020 | you're more malleable, you have that less life experience—has a converse benefit in

00:31:29.660 | that you can adapt yourself to your spouse in a way that's much harder if you come together

00:31:34.420 | when you're both fully formed, mature adults at 32 years old, and you're set in your ways.

00:31:39.780 | It's easier to be malleable, and that can form a stronger bond.

00:31:44.660 | And then everything related to children, childbirth, and time with children, all of those things

00:31:49.140 | matter.

00:31:50.140 | But the reason I want to emphasize this in today's episode has more to do with your ability

00:31:57.980 | to find and attract the highest quality spouse, and this is why this is applicable for those

00:32:05.140 | of us who are raising children to be thinking about, and it's applicable if you're listening

00:32:08.680 | to me and you're 20 years old or 30 years old, 40 years old, 70 years old, and you're

00:32:12.900 | unmarried and you're trying to think about, "How do I go about this?

00:32:16.580 | I'd like to change this.

00:32:17.580 | What do I need to do?"

00:32:18.940 | So the key point is simply, the younger you are when you decide to pursue marriage, the

00:32:27.860 | better the potential outcome because you have the widest possible pool of high-quality potential

00:32:36.780 | mates.

00:32:39.580 | When you are young, you have the widest pool of high-quality potential spouses that you

00:32:46.140 | will ever, ever have, and I would submit to you that this is a mathematical fact.

00:32:55.060 | Let me demonstrate it to you.

00:32:56.900 | Let's assume that you are a young man or young woman and you have a sample set of 100 potential

00:33:05.860 | spouses that are available to you, that you're exposed to.

00:33:10.060 | These could be the girls that are in your high school or the boys that are in your college

00:33:15.260 | or the co-workers you have or the people you meet at the tennis club or whatever you do

00:33:19.500 | or the matches that you get on whatever app you're swiping on at the moment.

00:33:23.860 | So you have a sample set of 100 persons.

00:33:28.980 | Not all 100 of these individuals are equally appealing to you, and so we could create a

00:33:36.060 | grading system of some kind for these individuals.

00:33:40.380 | We could choose and create our grading system for simplicity on a scale of 1 to 10.

00:33:46.260 | Now let me hasten to add that this is your grading system.

00:33:50.700 | I'm not saying that, for example, the way this, you know, she's a 10 is commonly used

00:33:55.420 | as based upon looks or he's an 8.5.

00:33:59.500 | This has become somewhat vulgar because I think the factors that people are often using

00:34:04.440 | in the grading system are not very well thought out, but the reality is we all have a grading

00:34:09.560 | system.

00:34:10.560 | We all have some kind of system that we grade other people on.

00:34:14.260 | Whether it's explicitly expressed and we could actually point to it, write it down on a sheet

00:34:19.300 | of paper, plug it in a spreadsheet and rate our potential candidates based upon each of

00:34:24.500 | the factors that are involved or whether it's just an implicit unexamined attractiveness

00:34:30.500 | scale that I'm generally attracted to this person.

00:34:33.820 | We all have a grading scale, and I think that's a good thing.

00:34:39.360 | If you go through your grading scale and you divide these 100 potential spouses into 10

00:34:45.140 | different categories, you would probably get, at the outcome of your grading, you would

00:34:50.700 | probably get something like a bell curve.

00:34:54.120 | And so if we applied the standard numbers to kind of a standard bell curve to this group

00:34:58.760 | of 100 individuals that you know, again, think of the 100 girls you graduated with from high

00:35:05.260 | school or college or the last 100 matches you've matched with on your social media app,

00:35:11.260 | then of that, at either extreme, you would have a small number.

00:35:15.520 | Let's say you would have—I'll give you the numbers.

00:35:17.520 | So on your scale of 1 to 10, you would have 2 people who are rated as 1, very undesirable.

00:35:24.520 | You would have 5 people that you would rate as a 2.

00:35:27.200 | You would have 9 people that you would rate as a 3.

00:35:29.840 | You would have 14 people that you would rate as a 4, 20 people you would rate as a 5, 20

00:35:34.380 | that you would rate as a 6, 14 as a 7, 9 as an 8, 5 as a 9, and on the very high end of

00:35:40.240 | the most attractive desirable people for you, there would be two 10s in that sample set

00:35:45.400 | of 100 people.

00:35:49.120 | Now you have that sample set of 100 people.

00:35:52.560 | Fast forward one year.

00:35:56.120 | Of that 100 people, at the end of one year, there will be fewer available spouses to you

00:36:04.980 | of that sample set of 100 people than there were one year before.

00:36:08.660 | Why?

00:36:09.660 | Well, some people will die perhaps, not many if you're very young, more if you're older,

00:36:14.100 | but maybe one would die.

00:36:16.300 | Some people will marry, and this would be the most frequent category as to why someone

00:36:22.040 | would no longer be available to you as a potential spouse.

00:36:25.820 | Some people would just simply age out, that some people might get too old or too young.

00:36:31.280 | You would age out.

00:36:32.280 | You would get older and you would say, "It's not appropriate now for me to be interested

00:36:35.480 | in someone who was 13 years younger than me or 14 years older than me."

00:36:42.400 | Time and life decisions are going to naturally cause many of those 100 people to be unavailable

00:36:48.880 | to you.

00:36:51.280 | Now here's my question.

00:36:55.140 | Of the people, let's say that in a given year, let's say 20 of the 100 people naturally are

00:37:03.000 | no longer part of your available sample set.

00:37:06.380 | Are those 20 likely to come from the top half of the curve, the fives and ups, or from the

00:37:12.600 | bottom half of the curve, the lower than fives?

00:37:18.060 | I would say that since the biggest factor in people not being part of your 100-person

00:37:26.520 | sample set is likely to be that those people are married or in a committed relationship

00:37:32.360 | leading to marriage or something related to that, that they're probably going to be coming

00:37:38.180 | from the most desirable candidates, the fives and over.

00:37:43.620 | Every year what's happening is the best candidates for marriage are quickly becoming fewer and

00:37:52.140 | fewer.

00:37:53.920 | That doesn't necessarily mean that the most beautiful women are no longer available or

00:37:59.320 | the most attractive men are no longer available.

00:38:02.240 | Remember, these are your figures, these are your ratings levels, but the best candidates

00:38:10.960 | for marriage, if you're interested in marriage, are continually being taken by other people

00:38:17.320 | who are able to attract those people into a marriage relationship.

00:38:23.600 | If you're not paying attention to this, it's very easy for you to wind up in an unintended

00:38:31.320 | place.

00:38:32.320 | It's very easy for you to wind up older than you ever intended to be and with many fewer

00:38:37.780 | marriage candidates.

00:38:40.400 | You're looking around at the available guys and you're just thinking, "Ah, these guys

00:38:43.240 | are all losers."

00:38:44.240 | You're looking around at all the girls and you're thinking, "Ah, I don't want to marry

00:38:47.040 | these girls," and this is a natural, normal part of life.

00:38:55.000 | Now, the answer to this is be as aggressive as possible at a young age about being prepared

00:39:05.960 | for marriage and pursue it as a focused goal.

00:39:10.320 | We can't predict exactly when you will meet someone that is an ideal fit for you, but

00:39:18.120 | if you are open to meeting that person when you are younger and if you've been intentional

00:39:22.680 | about preparing yourself to be able to attract that person when younger, everything will

00:39:28.560 | work out.

00:39:30.280 | When you are young, you have the most possible people that you will ever have.

00:39:37.440 | Now, I've talked about the first thing about population, the potential candidate pool of

00:39:44.360 | unmarried individuals that you could potentially attract into a marriage relationship being

00:39:48.400 | small, but there are other things as well.

00:39:50.920 | Every year that you get older, you might face challenges in being able to attract a partner

00:39:58.520 | that's of your ideal age and this affects men and women differently.

00:40:05.320 | The traditional normal marriage contract between men and women recognizes a frustrating reality.

00:40:14.600 | Generally speaking, women are the most attractive marriage candidates when they are very young

00:40:21.800 | because women who are young have the maximum peak of their physical beauty and attractiveness

00:40:29.240 | and alluring qualities and they have the maximum ability to have babies when young.

00:40:37.880 | As a woman gets older, her physical beauty generally declines and her ability to have

00:40:43.360 | babies generally declines.

00:40:46.440 | Now for men who are younger, their opportunity and ability to provide a warm and comfortable

00:40:53.680 | home and provide financially and provide emotional stability and be good fathers, generally when

00:40:59.560 | a man is young, that ability is only in its infancy.

00:41:06.040 | Twenty-year-old guys are not generally becoming multimillionaires and having all the money

00:41:10.080 | to support their wife in FERS and Mercedes and in luxury.

00:41:15.200 | As a man gets older, his ability to provide those things generally increases and so he's

00:41:22.980 | in his 40s and 50s, it is in his max earning years and he's able to provide those comforts

00:41:28.360 | of home.

00:41:29.560 | And so the normal history of the marriage contract that is one man, one woman for life

00:41:34.760 | has been wife comes to the table and says, "I will give you my youth, my beauty and my

00:41:42.080 | childbearing ability and child raising ability.

00:41:45.360 | I'll give you these most valuable decades of my life in exchange for you giving me the

00:41:51.560 | comfort and security and stability during the time when you are the most attractive

00:41:57.400 | and I'll invest in you when you're young and not particularly attractive so that you stay

00:42:03.000 | invested in me when you are older."

00:42:07.080 | Well in the marriage environment we've created today in which the marriage contract has been

00:42:10.760 | weakened and destroyed legally by no fault divorce and culturally with basically saying

00:42:17.520 | it's no big deal, this has turned into a really bad system for women and for men because women

00:42:24.440 | don't have the enduring confidence in the marriage relationship and men after now a

00:42:30.680 | lot of that and decades of that, men are now realizing, "Wait a second, I can go out and

00:42:35.760 | I can attract multiple women who are young and beautiful and raise children for me."

00:42:42.040 | And this is an immoral system that we have to end and it's a very frustrating system

00:42:47.440 | and it can be frustrating for both people.

00:42:50.460 | The example I think of is there was a friend of mine when I was in school who was incredibly

00:42:57.640 | beautiful.

00:42:58.880 | She was a beautiful girl.

00:43:00.860 | She was physically beautiful, she had a lovely personality, she was very athletic, total

00:43:07.840 | class A model, wonderful girl.

00:43:10.680 | When we were in school, my friends and I, those of us who came from a school where we

00:43:16.600 | had a peer group, I remember talking with a friend of mine about what she was doing.

00:43:20.240 | She was in college and she was dating professional athletes.

00:43:24.520 | She was dating professional athletes who were current professional athletes who were showering

00:43:29.200 | her with money and experiences and everything in the world.

00:43:33.400 | And I remember thinking at the time, "How on earth could I compete with a professional

00:43:38.000 | athlete for this beautiful girl, this amazingly attractive young lady?

00:43:43.040 | How could I?

00:43:44.040 | What could I offer her?

00:43:45.040 | I couldn't offer her anything.

00:43:46.040 | I was a broke student and, you know, maybe I could have prospects but not the kind of

00:43:51.480 | prospects that a professional athlete had and I just thought, "Well, she's just totally

00:43:55.680 | out of my league.

00:43:56.680 | There's nothing that I could offer her."

00:43:58.560 | But what's interesting is fast forward to today, that girl is now a middle-aged woman

00:44:05.120 | and she's a single mother and when I look at her now, I don't have anything near of

00:44:10.880 | that feeling that I once had of inferiority to her because now as a man, I am coming into

00:44:20.840 | my prime in many respects of my life and now I feel like I have a lot to offer.

00:44:29.320 | But now the question would be if I weren't married, well, would she be the one that I

00:44:33.480 | would pursue and that's the question that a lot of men face and it's a very frustrating

00:44:38.240 | problem for men and women.

00:44:40.480 | And so the best solution to this is to try to be married to somebody who is close in

00:44:48.840 | age to you because while it's possible to marry outside of your kind of standard age

00:44:54.040 | range, it creates more and more problems in life and in marriage as that age gap extends.

00:45:03.680 | And as you get older, the age gap becomes much more important.

00:45:07.360 | And so if you marry when young, you can marry a very high quality candidate and your age

00:45:11.840 | gap is together and you start to build a lot of amazing aspects of your life together.

00:45:19.520 | Now and the older you get, the 10s, the 9s, the 8s, the 7s, most of these are taken off

00:45:28.640 | of the table.

00:45:29.640 | They're no longer available to you.

00:45:32.000 | Remember by the way, for the fourth time, this is your own ranking system.

00:45:36.580 | If you wanted to create a spousal candidate ranking system that was numeric like this,

00:45:43.000 | you could do it.

00:45:44.180 | You would sit down and you would list all of the qualities and characteristics that

00:45:47.940 | you consider important in a potential spouse.

00:45:52.220 | You would create a numeric rating, really the numbers don't matter, but you would create

00:45:55.520 | a simple numeric rating, 0 to 10 works fine.

00:45:58.760 | You would say, "Okay, I'm going to rate her physical beauty, 0 to 10, give her X, X number

00:46:04.340 | 8 points.

00:46:06.300 | I'm going to rank how I feel when I spend time with her, 8.

00:46:10.880 | I'm going to rank how much respect she shows to my parents, 3."

00:46:17.120 | You create any number of categories you cared about, give them a ranking and you can come

00:46:21.460 | out the other side with a weighted score based upon how important you characterize things

00:46:26.840 | are and you could rank a potential wife or a potential husband based upon these scores.

00:46:32.100 | My point is simply that we all have some ranking system and some of us have one or two factors

00:46:38.000 | on it, some of us have 102 factors on it, but all of us have a ranking system and if

00:46:43.920 | your ranking system is optimized towards marriage, not optimized towards fornication or something

00:46:49.240 | else, then the candidates who would be the best husbands and the best wives, your pool

00:47:00.400 | shrinks naturally every year that goes by.

00:47:05.560 | Now assuming that's true, what you want to do is be serious about marriage but not obsessed.

00:47:16.560 | Serious but not obsessed.

00:47:18.120 | What I mean by serious is don't set this aside and say, "This is not important to me," because

00:47:24.440 | if you're having a hard time today finding and attracting a suitable spouse, then it's

00:47:31.080 | not going to be easier five years from now.

00:47:33.900 | There is no metric by which it's easier for that to happen.

00:47:37.460 | The key is to focus on changing whatever needs to be changed to make it easier now and be

00:47:42.560 | serious about it.

00:47:44.380 | And what I often tell people is if you need to spend money on this, this is a good use

00:47:48.920 | of money.

00:47:50.020 | So be serious about it.

00:47:51.740 | One thing that's very different for my being middle-aged as compared to being as young

00:47:57.380 | as I once was is that today it's very easy for me to talk about serious things in life

00:48:02.540 | in a straightforward manner.

00:48:04.800 | And I think this is one of the cultural things that we need to change.

00:48:09.100 | Older people, especially older married people, have a generally easy time talking about marriage,

00:48:17.700 | pursuing marriage, entering into marriage.

00:48:20.580 | It's just easy because we understand how important this is in life and how fundamental it is

00:48:26.100 | to our experience of life, to our happiness in life and satisfaction and enjoyment.

00:48:30.680 | And so when older people talk to younger people about their romantic relationships, we want

00:48:37.140 | young people to win.

00:48:38.300 | We want young people to experience the joy that we've had.

00:48:41.460 | And we understand that running away from the subject or talking in riddles is not a way

00:48:46.180 | of accomplishing that.

00:48:48.600 | For whatever reason, in our youth culture it often doesn't tend to be that way.

00:48:53.860 | Our parents often didn't facilitate a culture in which talking about matters of the heart

00:48:58.020 | was easy with us.

00:48:59.860 | They often didn't prepare us for what we were going to experience.

00:49:03.100 | They didn't talk about things seriously and straightforwardly and openly, talk about the

00:49:06.900 | good and the bad, the benefits, the downsides, the difficulties, the things that are easy.

00:49:13.460 | And I want to change that.

00:49:15.340 | And so my ambition with all of my children, like one of the things that I never permit

00:49:21.040 | is I never permit people in personal conversation to make comments that would cause a young

00:49:30.300 | person, a young man or young woman, to feel weird or funny about experiencing romantic

00:49:38.680 | attraction for other people.

00:49:41.120 | And usually it happens with other fathers and a father will say something about "I want

00:49:44.840 | her boyfriends but that's going to be five years off" or "No, that's going to be ten

00:49:47.880 | years away" and I always confront this, it's a big deal to me.

00:49:52.140 | Matters of the heart should be normal and appropriate conversations between parents

00:49:58.260 | and children.

00:49:59.260 | They are private, they need to be respected and don't ever cause young people to feel

00:50:03.280 | bad about it.

00:50:05.140 | And so my ambition as a father is that when my children all experience their first crush,

00:50:11.320 | I want to be the first one they talk about it.

00:50:14.120 | When they are totally infatuated with someone, I want to be the first one that knows about

00:50:18.040 | it because I've prepared them for that, I've told them it's going to happen, we've talked

00:50:21.460 | about it and so when it happens they come to me and they trust me and they know that

00:50:26.040 | I never betray their confidence and I'm right there to celebrate these experiences they're

00:50:31.520 | having, the attraction and to coach them in managing them in an appropriate and healthy

00:50:36.160 | way.

00:50:37.160 | That's my ambition as a father.

00:50:38.540 | Time will tell whether it works out but that's my ambition as a father.

00:50:41.120 | And so recognize that we need to deal with these things on a straightforward basis and

00:50:45.760 | we need to take away the weirdness of the situations in order to improve them.

00:50:53.940 | How do you attract a high-quality spouse?

00:50:59.100 | Well I think that it is in a significant way a math equation.

00:51:07.400 | Now that's probably a shocking statement for some people to say that attracting a world-class

00:51:13.420 | spouse is a math equation.

00:51:15.760 | I think first we need to deal with our terms and talk about love and marriage being something

00:51:22.960 | that happens to you rather than something that you do.

00:51:28.140 | In general, I think the idea of finding the one is silly.

00:51:34.920 | It's a riskable concept and it should be mocked mercilessly in our society.

00:51:41.600 | I don't do very well with the mocking but I think I would be happy if I heard more people

00:51:45.520 | mocking the concept of I'm just going to find the one, the one person who is right for me.

00:51:51.640 | There is no the one.

00:51:54.200 | In a world of eight billion people there is no just one person in the universe who is

00:51:58.400 | right for you.

00:52:00.080 | There are simply people who are a great fit for you when you are ready to marry and then

00:52:05.800 | you stop looking.

00:52:08.000 | So you find someone who is a good fit for you at an appropriate phase of life and then

00:52:11.860 | you stop looking.

00:52:13.360 | I don't consider my wife to be the one, as in she's the only one in the world who could

00:52:18.920 | possibly be for me.

00:52:21.840 | Rather she is the one because she is the one that I have chosen.

00:52:29.200 | And because of that choice, she is the only one in the world for me.

00:52:35.040 | Now I understand that sounds like blasphemy in a world formed by Disney princesses and

00:52:40.360 | Hallmark movies but it's not.

00:52:42.860 | It is true, it is the truth that we go through life and even if you look at the most ridiculous

00:52:50.320 | rom-com that you are aware of, you will see this played out.

00:52:54.340 | You will see that even in a ridiculous movie that is predicated upon finding "the one",

00:53:00.700 | you simply have two people that go through life, all of a sudden they encounter one another

00:53:04.540 | at a phase in life at which they are open to the relationship.

00:53:08.160 | Then something clicks, they realize we're a good fit, sometimes that happens quickly

00:53:12.400 | and is well judged, sometimes it happens slowly and I just needed this event to happen to

00:53:17.040 | convince me that he was the one for me.

00:53:19.680 | But they realize that this is a good fit and then they get together and then they stop

00:53:23.920 | looking.

00:53:25.580 | Now if you don't stop looking, then you wind up committing adultery against your spouse,

00:53:29.480 | you wind up divorced and you wind up going through a long series of relationships.

00:53:33.760 | But your spouse becomes the one when this is the man or the woman that you choose and

00:53:42.000 | then because of that choice, he or she is the one for you.

00:53:51.160 | To illustrate this, I thought of the example of athletics.

00:53:55.560 | I think there are many professional athletes who could effectively compete in various sports.

00:54:02.560 | If you look at natural athletic ability, it seems to be significantly important to very

00:54:07.960 | high level athletic accomplishment.

00:54:11.320 | Is somebody who plays professional football, is his life great because he magically chose

00:54:17.960 | the right sport for him or is his life great because he worked hard at the sport that he

00:54:24.080 | chose?

00:54:26.680 | I think that if we think about that metaphor, we see analogs in romantic relationships.

00:54:33.380 | We can see, for example, that there are some sports that are good natural complements for

00:54:39.180 | certain athletes and some that aren't.

00:54:41.960 | There are some sports in which you do better if you are very small and there are some sports

00:54:46.720 | in which you do better if you are very big.

00:54:49.040 | There are some sports that you do better at if you're very fat and there are some sports

00:54:52.960 | you do better at if you're very skinny.

00:54:55.680 | And so there is a natural component of selection among athletes similar to how there are certain

00:55:01.400 | people who just are a good fit and who aren't a good fit for you.

00:55:05.580 | But then within the group of sports that are a good natural complement for an athlete's

00:55:09.560 | raw innate characteristics, the athlete becomes great at the sport because he chooses that

00:55:16.000 | sport.

00:55:17.000 | I guess probably the most famous example would be a guy like Deion Sanders.

00:55:20.280 | Deion Sanders, I think, is the only athlete to date to have played in both a Super Bowl

00:55:25.500 | and in a World Series, played in the NFL and in Major League Baseball.

00:55:30.480 | But I would say that many athletes who play in the NFL could also play in the NBA and

00:55:36.280 | many athletes who play baseball could also play football.

00:55:41.000 | Marriage is similar.

00:55:42.000 | What happened?

00:55:43.000 | But why don't they, right?

00:55:44.000 | Well, because they picked a sport at a certain point in time and they specialized in it and

00:55:48.480 | then that specialization allowed them to achieve the highest levels.

00:55:52.560 | And marriage is similar.

00:55:54.100 | You choose someone who is a good fit for you and then as you build your life together,

00:56:00.400 | you wind up becoming world class because you have so many shared memories, so many shared

00:56:06.680 | relationships, you have a shared vision, you just have a shared life.

00:56:11.440 | So then the idea of anyone else being right for you is unthinkable.

00:56:17.320 | It's basically unthinkable to me that there would be someone else out there in the world

00:56:22.600 | who would be a better wife for me because of the shared experience that I have with

00:56:28.560 | my wife.

00:56:29.800 | We've had so much of our life together that to not be married to her and to then try to

00:56:37.320 | build a relationship with someone else, I would be walking away from decades of my own

00:56:44.480 | life experience.

00:56:46.760 | And so that's the point is that you can't, if you have 10 years of experience playing

00:56:51.240 | football at a high level, you can't just automatically walk away from that and compete with someone

00:56:56.480 | who has 10 years of experiencing baseball at a high level.

00:57:02.560 | The specialization becomes intense.

00:57:05.240 | So recognize that the one is not because you just got to magically find a person in the

00:57:11.480 | world who is the one for you, but rather that you are going to choose one person from potential

00:57:18.280 | candidates and then as you enter into and pass through a maturing relationship, then

00:57:24.840 | that person will be the one because of the choice that you made and become quite literally

00:57:29.260 | the only one in the world for you.

00:57:33.120 | What is the math equation for attracting a spouse?

00:57:35.640 | Well, it's not math, but I think it's basically this.

00:57:39.880 | You have to find a suitable, high-quality potential spouse at the right time of your

00:57:46.600 | life and then successfully woo and attract that person into marriage.

00:57:54.560 | If any of those three things aren't working, then your marriage prospects are dimmed or

00:57:59.960 | doomed.

00:58:02.040 | And so to maximize your marriage prospects, you want to work on all three of these to

00:58:06.400 | the best of your abilities.

00:58:09.260 | What are the three?

00:58:10.260 | Again, you have to find a suitable, high-quality potential spouse, find.

00:58:14.540 | That is a whole process of the potential candidates that are available, your interaction with

00:58:21.000 | those candidates and the screening ability that you have to find a suitable, high-quality

00:58:26.720 | potential spouse at the right time of your life.

00:58:30.800 | What is the right time of your life?

00:58:32.080 | Well, you decide, but it's an important component and many people say, "Well, it's not the right

00:58:37.200 | time right now and it's not the right time because it's going to be eight more years

00:58:41.080 | because I'm going to build my career or four more years because I'm going to graduate from

00:58:44.560 | college or whatever the right time is," but then your candidate pool becomes smaller.

00:58:50.960 | And so I'm pleading with you to not ignore the importance of age and be open to it at

00:58:56.440 | many times in life while also acknowledging that sometimes you got to do certain things

00:59:02.080 | and make changes and change takes time.

00:59:04.600 | So you have to find a suitable, high-quality potential spouse at the right time of life

00:59:08.040 | and then successfully woo and attract him or her into marriage.

00:59:11.880 | You have to be attractive enough to the person that you want to be attracted to you in order

00:59:19.100 | to actually engage in a relationship that leads to marriage.

00:59:23.940 | Notice my emphasis on engage in a relationship that leads to marriage.

00:59:27.460 | That's hard to do.

00:59:29.860 | There's a wide pool of candidates of people that you could be friends with.

00:59:35.280 | There's a smaller pool of candidates of people that you could have some kind of romantic-ish

00:59:42.040 | relationship or situationship with.

00:59:44.600 | There's a wide pool of people that you could have a sexual relationship with.

00:59:50.100 | But to attract someone into a marriage relationship and then actually see it through to consummation

00:59:56.840 | is a different proposition and it requires a different approach.

01:00:03.120 | So you should be careful in this who you take advice from.

01:00:06.880 | One of the things that I find interesting as a cultural observer is how few people there

01:00:13.520 | are who are happily and successfully married who are talking about how they accomplished

01:00:20.880 | that.

01:00:25.680 | What I'm doing at the moment is a little unusual.

01:00:29.520 | There's a world of dating coaches available to you who will teach you how to date.

01:00:37.640 | There aren't so many people who are in long-term enduring relationships who are trying to teach

01:00:45.380 | you how to build a long-term enduring relationships.

01:00:49.680 | Most of us who are in that situation, it's just not important to us.

01:00:52.120 | I don't want to go and do that.

01:00:53.520 | So I'm doing my best because I care about it.

01:00:55.320 | But recognize that if you want to know how to get married, you should spend your time

01:00:59.080 | asking married people how that happened for them.

01:01:02.360 | If you're a young man and you want to get married, you should spend more time with married

01:01:05.800 | men as compared to single men and find out what those married men did.

01:01:10.760 | If you're a young woman and you want to spend time with married women and find out how did

01:01:15.360 | this happen, what did you do, what advice do you have for someone like me?

01:01:19.360 | And notice, by the way, that our society is generally structured in a way to make that

01:01:22.920 | difficult.

01:01:23.920 | So you've got a church and you have the singles groups and the married groups.

01:01:29.080 | But if you're single and you want to be in the married group, you need to spend time

01:01:32.120 | in the single group because that's possibly where your potential spouse might be, but

01:01:36.560 | you need to get the advice from the married group.

01:01:38.360 | So you've got to create it for yourself.

01:01:41.000 | Here is my advice for you if you want to follow this through.

01:01:47.800 | Assume that today you're listening to me and you're saying, "Joshua, I'm single.

01:01:52.160 | I would like to get married.

01:01:53.400 | What can I do?"

01:01:55.280 | Here is my advice.

01:01:58.200 | Step one, I want you to create a comprehensive image of what you would consider to be someone

01:02:12.000 | that would be your dream spouse.

01:02:14.520 | If you're a man and you're sitting there and you're thinking, I want you to create in your

01:02:19.080 | mind a picture of the perfect woman that you would run down the aisle to marry with zero

01:02:27.720 | reservations, zero hesitation, no holding back whatsoever.

01:02:33.980 | I want you to picture her in your mind.

01:02:37.160 | Now, picturing her is not enough.

01:02:40.560 | What we need to do is we need to get that picture out of your mind and onto paper where

01:02:46.040 | we can analyze it.

01:02:48.520 | You do this in whatever way is comfortable for you.

01:02:51.120 | Take out a sheet of paper in your journal and write, "My perfect wife" at the top of

01:02:55.200 | it.

01:02:56.560 | Pull out a note on your phone and title it, "My perfect wife."

01:03:00.120 | If you're a lady, sit down and record a voice memo and say, "My perfect husband."

01:03:06.480 | Make it out.

01:03:07.480 | You're going to transcribe it.

01:03:09.240 | Some way of getting this on paper.

01:03:11.320 | Then I want you to spend time writing down every feature, characteristic, quality, attribute.

01:03:21.280 | Write down everything that you can think of that you would dream about of the perfect

01:03:27.600 | man or woman for me.

01:03:30.120 | Again, put yourself in a mental frame in which you would experience zero hesitation to move

01:03:36.920 | towards marriage.

01:03:38.640 | Get a crystal clear picture as much as is possible of every attribute, feature, characteristic,

01:03:44.840 | quality, everything related to this person.

01:03:48.440 | Do not censor yourself in any way.

01:03:53.880 | What I mean is all of us live under social obligations and we experience some form of

01:04:00.920 | censorship.

01:04:02.220 | We all would censor our words.

01:04:04.440 | We would provide some kind of characteristic of disclaimers or whatever if we actually

01:04:09.480 | expressed what we really wanted.

01:04:12.040 | The censorship that we would generally apply to our words applies also to our thoughts

01:04:17.480 | because when we've experienced the social pressure that we all experience, even in our

01:04:23.280 | own thoughts, we're always censoring ourselves and saying, "Well, I want this but I shouldn't

01:04:27.880 | want that," or, "It's just not right for me."

01:04:30.680 | I'm going to encourage you, do not censor yourself at all.

01:04:35.160 | If this should be your thing, put it in lock and key, put it in an encrypted note.

01:04:39.480 | No one else is ever going to read this thing.

01:04:41.360 | You write down every characteristic that you want, every dream that you have of an absolute

01:04:48.680 | 10 out of 10, an absolute dream spouse for you.

01:04:54.800 | Take multiple days, multiple weeks.

01:04:56.840 | Takes as long as you want.

01:04:57.880 | Make it a running list.

01:04:59.240 | Anytime you observe someone, let's say you're over at dinner at a friend's house and you

01:05:05.440 | observe his wife doing something, write that down.

01:05:09.080 | I have this video I show to people of this couple that I randomly found, and I just was

01:05:14.000 | amazed at how the woman looked at the husband while they're recording the video.

01:05:17.960 | I thought, "That's something that I never would have thought of writing down.

01:05:22.080 | She looks at me a certain way when recording a video," but you can just see that expression

01:05:26.500 | of the way that woman looks at her husband.

01:05:28.560 | It's amazing.

01:05:29.960 | Write down every feature, attribute, everything you can imagine and make a comprehensive list.

01:05:35.680 | Make it as long as possible and don't censor yourself or judge yourself or criticize yourself

01:05:40.600 | on any of these things at this stage.

01:05:43.640 | That's step one.

01:05:45.920 | Now, set that list aside.

01:05:49.040 | Let it percolate for an appropriate amount of time, days, couple of weeks, whatever.

01:05:55.040 | Then bring out that list and read it carefully.

01:06:02.160 | Print it out, put it on your desk, read it carefully.

01:06:05.920 | And then you're going to make another list.

01:06:09.160 | Say while you're imagining this perfect person, I'm going to use a man's example, you're imagining

01:06:15.360 | your perfect wife.

01:06:17.340 | Put that list of all the characteristics and attributes that she has on one sheet of paper.

01:06:22.320 | Put the second sheet of paper and say, "I'm going to now describe the perfect man that

01:06:29.000 | this perfect woman would be attracted to."

01:06:34.320 | So for every feature or attribute or characteristic, quality that you described about your perfect

01:06:41.640 | wife, she's going to have a corresponding character, feature, or attribute that would

01:06:48.560 | correspond to what you wrote down.

01:06:53.760 | You wrote down that my ideal wife is a woman who is honest.

01:06:59.720 | She's honest.

01:07:00.720 | Well, is she going to be attracted to somebody who is dishonest?

01:07:04.600 | No.

01:07:05.600 | So you write honest.

01:07:08.880 | Let's say that she's physically beautiful, she dresses well, she looks stunning at all

01:07:13.360 | times.

01:07:14.360 | Well, is a woman who dresses well and is very physically beautiful?

01:07:18.120 | Is she likely to be attracted to somebody who dresses like a slob?

01:07:22.400 | Probably not.

01:07:23.760 | So you would say, you know, dresses well, dresses suitably.

01:07:27.000 | And there is texture that is necessary in this, because most relationships that are

01:07:34.040 | successful involve a man and a woman who complement one another.

01:07:41.720 | The word "complement" does not mean are the same as one another.

01:07:44.920 | And so if she dresses like a prima donna at all times, just absolutely and totally into

01:07:50.200 | fashion, does that mean that she's automatically into the guy who dresses like a dandy at all

01:07:54.000 | times?

01:07:55.000 | My answer would be no, she's not necessarily.

01:07:58.240 | Now sometimes you see those kinds of couples and they seem to get along together, but there

01:08:02.320 | is a range of appropriateness that if she cares about the way that she dresses, then

01:08:08.120 | at the very least a man that she's likely to be attracted to is presentable and is not

01:08:14.080 | completely thoughtless.

01:08:16.280 | And so you figure out what the range is for each characteristic.

01:08:19.480 | You know, let's say that you wrote down someone who's very intelligent.

01:08:22.160 | Well, is she likely to be attracted to somebody who's not intelligent?

01:08:27.240 | Write down all of the attributes of it.

01:08:31.720 | Picture this woman and write down the perfect man that she would be attracted to.

01:08:35.920 | Similarly, if you're a woman and you're doing this exercise, you wrote down the perfect

01:08:39.680 | man, write down all of the attributes of the perfect wife that he would just be thrilled

01:08:44.040 | to marry from everything that you know, you've observed, you've heard about, you've learned

01:08:47.280 | about, you've asked other people about.

01:08:50.240 | That's step two.

01:08:53.240 | Take as much time as necessary, days, weeks, months, doesn't matter, just take time and

01:08:57.360 | get a clear clarity on it.

01:08:59.440 | But hopefully this is days and weeks.

01:09:00.960 | Then come back to that list, give it a short time, days or weeks, come back to that list

01:09:05.280 | number two.

01:09:07.920 | And now here's the hard part.

01:09:11.020 | You need to grade yourself on how well you match up to that perfect person.

01:09:21.160 | So again, using a man's perspective, I made list A was my perfect wife.

01:09:26.120 | Every feature attribute I could do.

01:09:27.520 | List B was the kind of man that this woman is likely to be attracted to.

01:09:32.200 | What kind of man would she run down the aisle to meet?

01:09:35.400 | And now I'm going to grade myself on those things.

01:09:38.040 | Zero to ten works fine.

01:09:41.000 | You say, well, she's going to be attracted to someone who's, you know, I wrote down that

01:09:45.000 | she's beautiful and athletic and we like to do runs together.

01:09:49.360 | And so she's going to be attracted to someone who's beautiful and athletic, great.

01:09:52.560 | So I'm a ten out of ten out of ten.

01:09:54.640 | Then, you know, she's going to be attracted to someone who has a lot of money so that

01:09:57.960 | he can provide for her.

01:09:59.780 | But I'm flat broke, so I'm one out of ten.

01:10:02.160 | Or she's going to be attracted to somebody who has good social skills and is able to

01:10:05.760 | interact with her in a positive way or makes her feel good and whatever the things are

01:10:11.080 | that you wrote.

01:10:12.080 | I just, I don't have those skills.

01:10:14.320 | And you grade yourself and compare yourself to that perfect man as best you can imagine

01:10:19.760 | him to be.

01:10:22.040 | You now have your to-do list, your self-improvement list.

01:10:26.520 | After I finish this line of thinking that I'm going down, I'll come back and give you

01:10:31.400 | some suggestions for what should be on that list if you yourself can't come up with that

01:10:37.320 | list.

01:10:38.320 | But I don't want to do that here because I want to emphasize this is your list.

01:10:43.120 | These are the things that you can change about yourself and you get started on changing those

01:10:47.320 | things.

01:10:48.760 | And there's no reason to wait.

01:10:50.120 | Get started on changing those things.

01:10:53.280 | You can't coerce someone into a marriage with you.

01:10:57.480 | You have to attract a person into a marriage with you.

01:11:02.160 | You can't guarantee for certain what is likely to attract a specific person.

01:11:09.040 | We all have strange and unusual things that for us are individual.

01:11:14.760 | But you can start to create an appropriate level of commonality by imagining what you

01:11:21.120 | think is your ideal marriage partner and then by starting to become what you think would

01:11:28.600 | be the ideal marriage partner for that person.

01:11:32.320 | And so while the individual expressions on a very small level will be very negotiable,

01:11:38.840 | the big things aren't.

01:11:40.480 | Just a goofy example.

01:11:42.100 | I drink coffee.

01:11:43.180 | My wife doesn't drink coffee ever.

01:11:44.800 | She doesn't like it.

01:11:45.800 | Never has.

01:11:46.800 | Never will.

01:11:47.800 | My wife drinks tea.

01:11:48.800 | Okay, I'm fine with drinking tea.

01:11:50.760 | You could sit down and you could say, "Oh, the ideal woman that I would want to be in

01:11:55.320 | a relationship with would be – would match me for my interest in coffee.

01:12:01.880 | And so I'm going to become super" – whatever the expression of it.

01:12:05.000 | The point is that this is a minor unimportant thing.

01:12:08.120 | It just doesn't matter at all whether someone likes coffee or doesn't like coffee or shares

01:12:14.100 | your taste in wines or doesn't share your taste in wines.

01:12:17.320 | What is a big deal is wants to have children, doesn't want to have children.

01:12:21.680 | Things like that are non-negotiable, like non-starters.

01:12:24.880 | You can't – that has to be key.

01:12:27.820 | And so you will ultimately rank these things and a lot of this will just work out in the

01:12:32.600 | wash and you'll say, "Oh, I put down that she must like coffee but after all, here's

01:12:36.480 | this great girl that doesn't like coffee.

01:12:38.160 | No big deal."

01:12:39.400 | But you want to start moving yourself in the direction of being someone who's likely to

01:12:44.440 | be attractive to the kind of person that you want to attract.

01:12:47.800 | I'm not going to dictate these things to you and no one else should either.

01:12:52.400 | But the person that you are in reality should attract the kind of person that you want to

01:13:00.480 | be with and repel the kind of people that you don't want to be with.

01:13:07.360 | And you can do that by making a list, number one, of your ideal spouse.

01:13:13.400 | Number two, making a fantasy list of the kind of person that your ideal spouse is likely

01:13:18.000 | to be attracted to and then measuring yourself as compared to that person that you've made

01:13:23.160 | up and saying, "What do I need to change?" and then get busy changing it.

01:13:29.160 | Now after you've done that and while you are busy changing it, the next thing that

01:13:33.200 | you want to do is go back to that image you've created, the avatar you've created of your

01:13:40.520 | perfect wife or your perfect husband, and then make another list.

01:13:44.920 | And the list is, "Where is this person likely to be?"

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01:14:18.320 | games.

01:14:22.600 | Where does this person spend time?

01:14:28.080 | If you wrote, "I want someone who is Christian like me," then there's a bigger chance

01:14:34.520 | that she's in church on Sunday morning than at the club on Saturday night.

01:14:39.600 | If you wrote down, "I want someone who is athletic," there's a bigger chance that

01:14:44.440 | she's in the hiking club that is going out on Saturday morning than in the chess club.

01:14:52.120 | If you wrote, "I want someone who is intelligent," there's a bigger chance that she is in college

01:14:57.480 | than that she's working in a factory.

01:15:00.960 | You get the point.

01:15:02.560 | Where is this person?

01:15:03.560 | And here I think you should also consider what online communities is this person a part

01:15:08.040 | of.

01:15:09.040 | There's going to be a difference between, I don't know, meetmyhusband.com versus Tinder.

01:15:16.560 | There's going to be a big difference in different apps and different platforms that people are

01:15:20.720 | likely to be.

01:15:21.720 | And so you need to ask yourself, where is this person likely to be?

01:15:27.640 | Then next step is go back to your calendar.

01:15:31.520 | After you've made the list of where is this person, go back to your calendar and count

01:15:37.680 | up the number of times in the last month that you have actually been in the place that your

01:15:45.200 | ideal husband or wife is or could be found.

01:15:52.040 | There are a couple of things that can go wrong in the process of finding and attracting a

01:15:57.600 | suitable spouse, and we can analyze these things under those three layers that I said.

01:16:03.800 | What is the equation for attracting a spouse?

01:16:06.280 | You have to find a suitable high-quality potential spouse at the right time of life and successfully

01:16:11.120 | woo and attract him or her into marriage.

01:16:13.540 | So we've spent some time on successfully wooing and attracting him or her into marriage.

01:16:18.700 | We've talked about becoming the kind of person that would be attractive to this spouse.

01:16:23.260 | We've talked a little bit about the right time of life.

01:16:25.520 | If you're 15 years old and you want to get married, there aren't that many people in

01:16:29.480 | your high school classroom that want to get married, not the right time of life.

01:16:34.280 | So we're going to be at the right time of life.

01:16:36.440 | But then you have to find the suitable spouse.

01:16:39.640 | And so you say, well, where's the problem?

01:16:41.440 | Is the problem that I'm not attractive or is the problem that I'm just not spending

01:16:44.960 | any time finding and I'm not spending time looking?

01:16:47.740 | And a lot of people that I interact with tell me, Joshua, I want to get married.

01:16:50.960 | If I ask you the question, how many potential candidates did you meet in the last month?

01:16:55.320 | The answer is zero.

01:16:56.800 | So we don't need to automatically assume that the problem is because you're unattractive.

01:17:01.080 | Maybe the problem is that you're just not actually meeting anybody.

01:17:04.520 | And this is understandable, by the way.

01:17:06.200 | No one would find fault with you.

01:17:10.400 | You're frustrated.

01:17:11.400 | You had a bad breakup.

01:17:13.800 | You're annoyed with not getting matched online or whatever it is.

01:17:17.560 | That's all understandable.

01:17:19.580 | But understandable doesn't mean that you're actually going to get the outcome if it doesn't

01:17:23.000 | happen.

01:17:24.000 | There's a lot of people that go through life expecting that magically someday the wonderful

01:17:29.760 | girl from heaven is going to knock on the front door and propose to me on the doorstep

01:17:33.160 | never having met me.

01:17:34.240 | And it's absurd.

01:17:35.640 | It's an absurd concept.

01:17:37.200 | And we need to recognize it's absurd and then change it.

01:17:39.700 | So if you're working on your personal attractiveness and you're at the right time of life in which

01:17:45.680 | you want to marry, then you need to be out meeting potential candidates.

01:17:49.840 | You need to be meeting people.

01:17:51.800 | And then we can try to figure out what's working and what's not working.

01:17:55.900 | And so how many times in the last month have you been in these places where your ideal

01:18:01.020 | spouse is?

01:18:02.600 | How many available women have you met?

01:18:07.720 | Or how many available men have you met?

01:18:09.040 | Or how many available attractive men and women have you met?

01:18:12.160 | People that you think are appropriate for you based upon your values and your list,

01:18:16.760 | have you met?

01:18:18.040 | And if the answer is two in the last six months, the chances of you being married two years

01:18:22.840 | from now are very low.

01:18:24.600 | On the other hand, if the answer is 10 in the last six weeks, then now we've got pretty

01:18:30.320 | good odds.

01:18:31.320 | And we can go back and we can analyze those numbers and say, "Well, what's going well?

01:18:35.360 | What's not going well?"

01:18:37.180 | And this is where you could be coached further with appropriate texture.

01:18:42.520 | If you're a guy, I met 10 women who were unmarried, seemed like the kind of people that I would

01:18:47.400 | be interested in getting to know and dating to see if there would be a relationship there.

01:18:53.640 | I asked 10 women out and all 10 said no.

01:18:55.880 | All right.

01:18:56.880 | Well, something's wrong.

01:18:58.480 | Why did 10 out of 10 say no to you?

01:19:01.460 | And are you a weirdo?

01:19:03.280 | Do you come across as obsessive?

01:19:04.760 | Again, serious, not obsessed.

01:19:07.380 | We don't want to be a weirdo.

01:19:08.380 | We don't want to pull off bad vibes.

01:19:11.240 | Are you – and I'm not going to go down, but you can analyze it.

01:19:15.100 | What you can't do necessarily is have any luck if someone says, "I've met zero women

01:19:21.000 | in the last six weeks and I don't care."

01:19:22.840 | Well, you're not going to be married six years from now if you don't change that.

01:19:27.200 | So you need to change, number one, who you are, if there's something unattractive about

01:19:31.320 | who you are, to your ideal spouse.

01:19:33.840 | Number two, you need to change where you are and be spending time in places where your

01:19:38.160 | potential candidates are likely to be.

01:19:41.300 | Remember the saying, "What gets measured gets managed."

01:19:45.000 | If you can see that something – that if you did something, that that could likely

01:19:51.480 | lead to better outcomes for a goal that you are seeking.

01:19:55.280 | And if it's something that you're capable of measuring, then it's something that you

01:19:59.800 | should measure so that you could manage it.

01:20:03.280 | And measuring yourself against the attributes that you think your perfect potential spouse

01:20:10.120 | would value in you so that you can manage them is good.

01:20:14.160 | And then measuring the number of potential candidates that you meet through your activities

01:20:19.720 | and through what you're doing in life, that's also something that could lead to the initiation

01:20:26.160 | of a relationship.

01:20:28.080 | Not everything is math, but you can develop the skills that are necessary.

01:20:32.960 | And if you can measure these things, then you can coach yourself into what skills do

01:20:37.360 | you need to do.

01:20:38.560 | You may need to develop social skills of meeting people, striking up a conversation, asking

01:20:43.560 | someone out.

01:20:44.560 | You may need to develop social skills of creating an intimate communication in relationship.

01:20:50.680 | You need – there's all kinds of skills, but all of these are projects.

01:20:53.900 | These are things that can be done.

01:20:55.280 | And there is no person in the world who with time, practice, focus, a little bit of outside

01:21:01.560 | analysis and good coaching and focus on skill set development can't develop all of the

01:21:06.840 | skills necessary to initiate a successful romantic relationship, lead it into and through

01:21:13.720 | marriage, found a family.

01:21:15.800 | All of those things are totally possible.

01:21:17.840 | So regardless of whether it's as easy as it once was or not, it is possible and it

01:21:24.040 | can be done and it can be done by any person.

01:21:27.520 | There are certain factors that make it naturally easier and you may or may not have those factors,

01:21:33.400 | but it doesn't matter.

01:21:35.080 | You have the factors that you have and you should focus on moving them forward.

01:21:39.780 | By way of review, what I suggest, step one, make a list of your perfect ideal spouse and

01:21:46.880 | all of her characteristics, attributes, qualities, features, everything.

01:21:52.600 | Number two, make a list of the kind of person that your ideal spouse would likely be attracted

01:21:59.720 | to, everything that you can think of, especially based upon what you described as important.

01:22:05.440 | Number three, compare yourself as objectively as possible to that ideal man or ideal person

01:22:12.440 | and figure out where your strengths are and where your weaknesses are and work on your

01:22:19.040 | weaknesses as best you are able to.

01:22:22.180 | Number four, make a list of where your ideal spouse spends time and is in this moment and

01:22:29.860 | then ask yourself, how much time am I actually spending in that place?

01:22:36.060 | Then track the number of potential candidates that you are meeting by being in that place

01:22:44.380 | and then track the results of what happens.

01:22:48.060 | An example that is really good for younger people, especially I want to speak to younger

01:22:52.220 | men for a moment.

01:22:53.660 | If you are a younger man, there is a very high probability that the woman that you would

01:22:59.960 | consider to be a dream wife is in a college somewhere.

01:23:06.580 | In our current environment, most intelligent, capable, hardworking women are going to go

01:23:12.340 | to college.

01:23:13.780 | Women are going to college at a rate twice as high as men and they are likely to be in

01:23:18.740 | college.

01:23:20.020 | You can filter colleges based upon ideology.

01:23:25.260 | Many colleges will attract certain kinds of people and repel certain kinds of people.

01:23:28.780 | If there is a certain type of woman that you are looking for, she is probably going to

01:23:33.060 | be in a certain college.

01:23:36.540 | The best thing to do, especially when you are young, is probably to be in that kind

01:23:40.340 | of environment.

01:23:41.900 | I don't want to focus on a long discourse of this, but this is important because remember

01:23:47.420 | back to phases of life.

01:23:49.340 | If you are 18, 20, 22 years old, 24 years old, 27 years old, it is relatively easy for

01:23:56.100 | you to be in college and for you to naturally interact with dozens and dozens and dozens

01:24:03.580 | of people who might be a high quality spouse for you.

01:24:06.860 | On the other hand, if you are 40 years old, it is much more difficult for you to be in

01:24:10.460 | that environment.

01:24:12.380 | So this is one of the things that timing matters.

01:24:14.820 | So my point of spending time in it is one of the strategies that I think is a good strategy

01:24:19.260 | for people to consider, especially for men who often have a very difficult time with

01:24:23.660 | online dating, is how can you get yourself into an appropriate college environment.

01:24:28.900 | Go ahead and take a master's degree, work out at the on-campus gym, make sure you have

01:24:33.420 | a legitimate non-creepy reason to be in the college environment and then meet lots of

01:24:38.100 | people.

01:24:39.100 | It's relatively easy as a guy to meet a dozen new girls per week around the college environment,

01:24:46.140 | whereas if you're 35 years old and you're working 70 hours a week, it's much more difficult

01:24:50.220 | for you to meet a dozen new girls per week without some other elaborate system of introductions.

01:24:57.220 | So go through this process and check yourself, meaning rate yourself, track how many people

01:25:03.620 | did I meet, what happened in those conversations.

01:25:06.140 | I met a girl at the gym, we had a short conversation, it was pleasant, it was great, but here's

01:25:12.540 | what happened and then see what is happening in terms of moving the relationship forward.

01:25:18.700 | That's the process that is useful and if you go through that process, probably by now,

01:25:23.980 | even in your mind, you automatically know some things that you could or would change

01:25:28.460 | that might help you get a better outcome of a potential spouse.

01:25:33.540 | I would love it if you would stop now and do those exercises before you hear what I'm

01:25:39.340 | about to say.

01:25:40.340 | Let me tell you what I'm about to say so that you can stop if it would be appropriate.

01:25:43.140 | I'm going to give you some specifics that are broadly applicable, specifics for men

01:25:48.740 | and specifics for women, that are things that will help you to be generally more attractive

01:25:54.300 | and I'm doing this because this is what I wish that I had had when I was younger.

01:25:59.400 | When I was younger, I was not serious about finding a wife, just happened because I ended

01:26:03.900 | up in the natural environment and I met a woman that I clicked with and it happens naturally.

01:26:09.660 | That's what happens for most people and what happened in the past, but I didn't come from

01:26:15.980 | a culture that was as broken around dating as the current culture and so I didn't need

01:26:19.420 | this strong plan.

01:26:21.820 | The current dating culture is increasingly broken and it's broken a lot since I was in

01:26:26.380 | college.

01:26:27.460 | It's gotten much more difficult for young men and women and that's why I'm spending

01:26:31.500 | more time on it, but I wish still in hindsight I look back and I think why didn't somebody

01:26:37.060 | tell me how important some of these factors were and so I try to do my job to coach young

01:26:43.660 | men and young women on some of the factors that while not any one of them is the factor,

01:26:49.380 | it's the collection of these traits and features that are probably going to influence the outcomes

01:26:56.020 | that you have and when I interact with people who are not successful with women or not successful

01:27:03.900 | with men, it's rare to find people who are maximizing these characteristics and attributes

01:27:12.420 | that are having that level of success.

01:27:13.980 | I want you to listen to what I'm going to continue on with, but I would love it if you

01:27:18.620 | would make your own lists first.

01:27:20.220 | So if you're going to do this exercise, you're the kind of person who does it, pause the

01:27:24.620 | episode, go through, spend the next three or four weeks doing these exercises that I've

01:27:29.100 | described for you and then come back and listen to what I'm about to say.

01:27:34.460 | If you're the kind of person who never stops when someone says stop, then just listen,

01:27:38.420 | but just know that I'm going to probably pollute your mind a little bit with giving you attributes

01:27:42.580 | and characteristics that are broadly influential on most male and female relationships.

01:27:50.080 | Listening now so you can stop the episode, five, four, three, two, one.

01:27:59.460 | I'm going to give you a list of characteristics and what I'm going to share with you is not

01:28:03.780 | original with me.

01:28:06.420 | It comes from an awkwardly titled YouTube channel called Ho Math.

01:28:13.260 | Ho Math has become a very large producer on TikTok and on YouTube and is increasingly

01:28:20.540 | growing.

01:28:21.540 | And back around last year in December, which is actually when the video that I'm referencing

01:28:28.940 | and drawing from came out, I came across this channel and I immediately saw that this particular

01:28:35.680 | channel in our current moment is an extremely useful and somewhat balanced perspective on

01:28:43.560 | relationship formation in the current world.

01:28:48.480 | If you're looking for coaches or guides on relationship formation, we face an enormous

01:28:53.200 | problem.

01:28:54.200 | And let me describe the problem to you so that you can understand where to go for advice.

01:28:59.360 | The first problem is that the dating marketplace, the sexual marketplace for young people who

01:29:05.080 | are dating has been completely transformed in the last decade for a variety of features.

01:29:12.820 | And so many older people, my generation and older, who are not paying attention, they

01:29:17.760 | don't understand how much things have changed, genuinely changed.

01:29:23.920 | There are many reasons for this, but just something as simple as social media has completely

01:29:30.240 | transformed male and female relationships from being kind of a natural thing where you

01:29:36.480 | interacted with people who were in your social sphere to now young men and women are accessing

01:29:41.760 | people from all around the world.

01:29:44.520 | In former times, it was very normal that you went to high school, you went to college,

01:29:49.160 | you had your social circle was limited by those you were in high school with and those

01:29:53.200 | you were in college with, and that the people that you interacted with were drawn from that

01:30:00.520 | limited social circle.

01:30:01.920 | Well, today that's entirely different.

01:30:04.440 | Today, any man and most importantly any woman can go online, create a profile, and instantly

01:30:11.480 | – generally the women – receive male attention from people all around the world.

01:30:16.480 | And so this has dramatically changed relationship dynamics for young men and women that now

01:30:23.160 | as a young man you're not just in competition with the people in your high school class

01:30:28.520 | or your college environment, you're now in competition with people from all around

01:30:32.040 | the world at all different ages.

01:30:33.800 | And so this has changed the dynamics.

01:30:37.760 | Older people generally, unless they're paying attention and asking young people for their

01:30:43.680 | experience, don't have an accurate view of where things are at the moment.

01:30:48.200 | The next thing that you have to filter for is basically ideology or philosophy.

01:30:53.880 | We are becoming a more segregated society where people of an intense ideology are congregating

01:31:00.720 | together.

01:31:01.760 | And so you can have this for men and for women.

01:31:04.720 | I'm most familiar with the male space.

01:31:07.100 | But let's say that I become a red-pilled, in-cell MGTOW guy.

01:31:13.160 | And so I spend all my time consuming MGTOW, which is an acronym MGTOW, men going their

01:31:18.080 | own way.

01:31:19.200 | And I'm spending all my time with the red-pilled MGTOW folks.

01:31:21.800 | And that's all I listen to.

01:31:23.440 | I can do this when I'm young, I can do this when I'm older.

01:31:26.240 | Usually with the younger guys it winds up being the pickup artist space and basically

01:31:31.400 | the sleep with as many women as possible and abuse them space.

01:31:36.000 | Andrew Tate and many people in his sphere would be emblematic of this.

01:31:42.100 | If you're an older guy then it becomes the divorced folks, it becomes the entrepreneurs

01:31:47.320 | and cars people and all of the 40s and 50-year-old guys.

01:31:51.320 | And what happens is you get into this echo chamber, so you watch one video and the algorithm

01:31:55.600 | feeds you another video.

01:31:57.240 | And six months later you basically despise women and you just despise women and you become

01:32:02.880 | totally toxic to women because of your misogynistic despising of women.

01:32:09.760 | And you look at some of the people who talk about this, it just becomes a self-reinforcing

01:32:15.200 | expression of it.

01:32:16.200 | Whereas meanwhile guys who are happily married and appreciate women, they tend to be pretty

01:32:20.800 | attractive to women because they appreciate women and they don't just look down on women.

01:32:26.440 | And I'm sure that there's a similar effect in female circles where I'm generally pretty

01:32:31.280 | repulsed by like hardcore pink-haired feminist types.

01:32:35.500 | And it's fine, they want to repulse me, they want to repel me and so I'm repulsed by them.

01:32:39.800 | But what happens is that they're not receiving energy from people like me who I consider

01:32:47.400 | myself a fairly upstanding, virtuous man of integrity who appreciates and who is respectful

01:32:54.240 | of women.

01:32:55.240 | And I have opinions and ideas that she might disagree with, but I treat women with respect

01:33:01.320 | in all circumstances.

01:33:03.540 | And so she's repelling guys like me, but then she's going to create a sphere group of guys

01:33:09.360 | who don't have that perspective to her and who would mistreat her.

01:33:13.920 | And so it's no surprise that two or three years later she winds up hating men because

01:33:19.320 | of this.

01:33:20.320 | After all, that's what she's been exposed to.

01:33:22.320 | I watched this happen to a friend of mine that I graduated from, a friend of mine from

01:33:28.760 | school, moved to New York, wound up in kind of this super ambitious culture that was very

01:33:36.080 | unfriendly to marriage and kind of just natural relationships.

01:33:40.440 | Today she's a blue-haired lesbian, feminist type, and it's a totally natural thing.

01:33:46.700 | But she wasn't that way.

01:33:48.000 | There was nothing innate about her that was that way.

01:33:51.700 | It was that the culture that she got involved in changed her, and so we want to be careful

01:33:55.680 | of cultural influences.

01:33:57.680 | And today, since we all choose our cultural voices to a degree based upon who we choose

01:34:03.040 | to pay attention to, it's really important that we develop filtering mechanisms for people

01:34:06.960 | that have a balance, and an appreciation, a knowledge, and a balance.

01:34:11.920 | I say all that to say that I think Homath, as much as I don't like saying the name of

01:34:17.040 | his channel and his platform, is one of those guys who's probably a useful and insightful

01:34:23.480 | observer because of his own experience and because of what he's done.

01:34:27.700 | So he published this video back in December of 2023 called Zones Version 3, The Most Useful

01:34:33.580 | Relationship Map in History.

01:34:35.020 | I'll link to it in the show notes.

01:34:37.360 | And in this, he goes over a diagram that he drew that I think is broadly useful to understand

01:34:44.880 | male and female attraction.

01:34:47.500 | It's not—when I say—you're smart enough to understand words like broadly, like broadly

01:34:52.460 | this is useful.

01:34:55.340 | And because it's broadly useful, I consider it an important thing to discuss.

01:35:00.340 | You can watch the original version.

01:35:01.540 | I would encourage you to watch the original version.

01:35:03.420 | I'm just going to go over some of the factors that you might want to consider in terms of

01:35:09.060 | assessing why am I unable to attract the kind of person that I want to attract.

01:35:15.020 | And these factors are different for men and for women.

01:35:19.020 | I'm going to begin with what men are attracted to in women because they are somewhat simpler.

01:35:28.100 | When I say simpler, one of the insights that I think is useful from this particular relationship

01:35:35.580 | map is the introduction of texture to say that men analyze women differently than women

01:35:44.860 | analyze men.

01:35:47.420 | From my experience and observation, I think this is true.

01:35:53.180 | For the kind of woman that a man is attracted to, men basically have one scale.

01:36:00.380 | We can label it as 0 to 10.

01:36:04.180 | And in the actual video, HOMATH goes through different levels as far as the kinds of relationships

01:36:13.860 | that men will engage in with women.

01:36:17.020 | As someone who is mostly interested in marriage, I understand we need to be aware of this,

01:36:20.660 | but I'm mostly interested in helping people to get to marriage, not to just multiple relationships.

01:36:25.980 | But the point is that men could rate women and do rate women on a scale of 0 to 10 on

01:36:32.220 | a single scale and that the features in this scale are additive.

01:36:38.620 | Men have one meter to say, "Are you a keeper?

01:36:42.060 | Are you a seven and over that I'm going to commit to or are you not?"

01:36:47.260 | And if you're going to be a 10, it's the accumulation of these features.

01:36:53.900 | Now, going from most important to least important for men, we can factor these in.

01:37:01.580 | So according to HOMATH's chart, he would say that the most important thing for men where

01:37:05.780 | you get the most points is your body, is a woman's body.

01:37:09.980 | And so a body would include factors such as body type.

01:37:13.300 | She has a body type that I'm attracted to, her voice, how does she speak, fitness, level

01:37:18.780 | of personal fitness, the attractiveness of her face, her hair, pheromones or just a general

01:37:25.780 | sense and chemistry.

01:37:28.100 | Then you have personality.

01:37:30.260 | Generally men are attracted to women who are supportive, who are helpful, who are reliable,

01:37:37.060 | women who are interesting, who are talented, who are fun to be with, who have a high IQ,

01:37:43.180 | who are intelligent and who are emotional bonding.

01:37:48.580 | Then you have the factors related to purity.

01:37:51.740 | So is she a woman who is loyal to me?

01:37:54.380 | What is her history with men, her sexual history?

01:37:57.880 | What baggage does she bring to the table of her life?

01:38:01.360 | Is she modest?

01:38:02.360 | Does she express modesty?

01:38:04.080 | Is she innocent?

01:38:05.420 | Is she willing to be exclusive with me?

01:38:07.580 | Does she want children?

01:38:09.260 | Does she have a lot of guy "friends" that she indulges in her life?

01:38:14.140 | And then small factors that barely matter at all to men such as there's certain conveniences

01:38:19.700 | or possessions or quirks about her.

01:38:22.580 | And the idea is that these things are cumulative.

01:38:25.620 | Not any one factor is something that is going to be the factor.

01:38:30.820 | But for a man, if he looks at the overall package and says, "Okay, she's got a body

01:38:35.420 | type that I'm attracted to.

01:38:37.260 | She's in good shape.

01:38:38.340 | We seem to have good chemistry.

01:38:39.880 | She's got hair I like.

01:38:41.480 | Maybe her face is not naturally the most beautiful, but it's acceptable.

01:38:46.060 | She's super supportive.

01:38:47.180 | She makes me feel strong and confident in myself.

01:38:50.220 | She's really fun to be around.

01:38:51.780 | She's loyal to me.

01:38:53.140 | She doesn't have a lot of baggage.

01:38:54.660 | She's generally modest.

01:38:55.660 | She treats me well.

01:38:56.660 | She wants children."

01:38:57.660 | A man says, "She's great.

01:38:59.140 | I'm going to marry her."

01:39:00.140 | It's one dimension that is cumulative.

01:39:02.420 | So if you're a woman who is looking to attract a man, I would encourage you go through that

01:39:06.120 | list that I just read to you and look through the list and ask yourself, "How can I optimize

01:39:11.360 | each of these things?"

01:39:13.100 | And men will tell you if you ask them.

01:39:15.860 | The problem that many young women who desire to marry today is that they're optimizing

01:39:20.220 | for things that men don't value.

01:39:22.580 | They're optimizing for things that society is optimizing for men, and men are not generally

01:39:29.220 | attracted to men.

01:39:30.220 | They're attracted to women.

01:39:32.060 | And so this is why, if you're a woman and you're in good shape and you are encouraging

01:39:37.540 | to a man and you build his confidence and you're supportive of him and you wear a cute

01:39:42.380 | dress and you cook a great meal, good chance that he's seeing you as wife material.

01:39:48.620 | And he's not so impressed by the fact that you're the president of the XYZ Society and

01:39:53.500 | that you've written four books and published those things, because those things are not

01:39:56.980 | that big a deal to him.

01:39:58.780 | They're not unimportant.

01:39:59.780 | They're an expression of your IQ and your talent and things like that, but they're not

01:40:03.380 | that important.

01:40:04.700 | So consider these features and optimize for them.

01:40:07.660 | I think you can do both if you're a woman who is really interested in your professional

01:40:12.740 | development and you're very much focused on pursuing your career.

01:40:17.460 | All that is great, but you also need to adapt to the feminine qualities that men appreciate

01:40:23.060 | and bring those things to him for him to be attracted to you.

01:40:26.740 | The point is that there's one meter and it's a cumulative matter of these factors.

01:40:33.900 | So if you're lacking in one factor that is attractive to your ideal husband, if you can

01:40:40.620 | improve the other factors that are under your control, then you can do that and be fine.

01:40:46.740 | Now switching now for the male audience.

01:40:50.860 | Of the things that are attractive to women, especially someone to whom you're going to

01:40:57.540 | marry, because for men who want to marry a woman, it seems as though things can go wrong

01:41:03.820 | on multiple levels.

01:41:05.980 | What I mean is it can go wrong in the sense that you're just not attracted to women, period,

01:41:10.980 | and no woman wants to be with you.

01:41:13.860 | On the other hand, you can have a woman who wants to be with you, but she's not willing

01:41:18.140 | to marry you.

01:41:20.580 | Or you might find someone who likes to be with you, but she's not willing to be in a

01:41:24.340 | romantic relationship with you.

01:41:26.700 | And the insight that I appreciate from what Homath created is that according to him, there

01:41:33.100 | are two metrics by which women evaluate men.

01:41:38.620 | They are the metrics of security, or what we can call a good guy score, and the metrics

01:41:45.340 | of attraction, or what we can call a bad boy score.

01:41:50.180 | And both of these are generally important to women.

01:41:54.020 | If a man provides high degrees of security, meaning he's a good guy, but he doesn't provide

01:42:02.500 | high degrees of attraction, then he winds up friend-zoned.

01:42:08.660 | And that was one of the things that I didn't understand when I was in college.

01:42:11.660 | I was friend-zoned continually because I was always high security and low attraction.

01:42:17.060 | I didn't understand that you had to optimize for both of those things in order to attract

01:42:21.380 | the attention of women.

01:42:23.100 | Now I subconsciously optimized for both of those things with my wife based upon the way

01:42:27.180 | that our relationship emerged.

01:42:29.100 | Today I can look back and I can see that, but I was blind to it at the time.

01:42:33.420 | I thought, "Well, I want to be a good guy, and if I'm a good guy, then those would be

01:42:38.460 | the things that would be attractive to women."

01:42:41.060 | And I was a good guy who got friend-zoned continually.

01:42:44.280 | It's important for men to understand this because it's utterly maddening if you think

01:42:49.060 | that what women are looking for is just good guys, and you think, "I'm a good guy.

01:42:53.140 | I have lots of good guy characteristics.

01:42:56.820 | What is going on?

01:42:57.820 | What's wrong with me?"

01:42:58.820 | And you need to understand that's not the only thing.

01:43:01.060 | And I'm emphasizing this because there is a high correlation between the kinds of young

01:43:07.140 | men who are listening to what I'm saying right now an hour and 40 minutes deep into this

01:43:12.020 | podcast and the bad dating outcomes that some men are getting.

01:43:18.460 | It's because you are optimized for being a good guy, for providing high security for

01:43:23.940 | a woman, but you're not optimizing for attraction.

01:43:27.420 | You don't have a decent bad boy score.

01:43:30.100 | So if you are optimizing for high security but not for attraction, and you just have

01:43:35.580 | a good guy score and no bad boy score, then you wind up getting friend-zoned.

01:43:41.580 | Now if we pivot to the other dimension, and if any of this is confusing, just watch the

01:43:46.300 | video and you'll understand, but if we pivot to the other dimension, we have where you're

01:43:52.100 | optimizing for attraction.

01:43:53.100 | We can call this your bad boy score.

01:43:55.380 | Now here is what women are often attracted to.

01:43:59.660 | They're attracted to bad boys, men who have great sex appeal and express very masculinity

01:44:06.620 | and confidence in various ways that turn them on, but these relationships don't often wind

01:44:13.940 | up in marriage.

01:44:15.340 | You have just straight out sex appeal or some version of a situationship, which is what

01:44:20.940 | many women, at least if I listen to what they say, are in today, that is not resulting in

01:44:26.380 | marriage.

01:44:27.500 | And so they're choosing men who are very attractive, either for a purely sexual relationship or

01:44:34.140 | they become one of multiple women that he has available to him in some kind of situationship

01:44:39.740 | and they're hoping that, "Well, someday he's going to pick me," and in reality he never

01:44:44.540 | does because he doesn't provide that level of security that she would necessarily even

01:44:49.420 | say yes to him, and/or he's just not interested in marriage.

01:44:54.420 | If we can optimize on both of these scales, the good guy score and the bad boy score,

01:45:00.820 | if we can optimize on both of these as a man, then there's a much higher probability that

01:45:07.660 | you would be able to attract your ideal wife to you and see that relationship all the way

01:45:14.420 | through to marriage.

01:45:16.180 | So what makes up these scores?

01:45:18.580 | Let's start with the good guy score, and the idea here is that these things would be added

01:45:23.300 | up.

01:45:24.300 | So we'll start with the kind of higher level aspects.

01:45:29.020 | The first one is labeled by HOMATH as investment.

01:45:32.560 | So a big one is money.

01:45:33.940 | Do you have money?

01:45:35.380 | Do you have the ability to spend money on a woman?

01:45:40.380 | Do you have the ability to spend money on her and on her lifestyle?

01:45:44.580 | I want to quickly hasten to add this should not cause you to be embittered if you are

01:45:50.180 | a man.

01:45:52.460 | There is a common point of bitterness where men will say, "Well, she's just in it for

01:45:57.660 | money."

01:45:58.660 | And that is the case.

01:46:00.060 | Some superficial women might say, "Well, I just want him to spend lots of money on me."

01:46:04.780 | But money is a decent proxy for a woman for her future security.

01:46:09.900 | And so your ability to have money is a good guy score.

01:46:13.700 | This is your ability to provide security for her.

01:46:16.620 | If she is going to be in a relationship with you and she is going to give you her youth

01:46:21.180 | and her beauty and bear your children, then the amount of security that you can provide

01:46:26.180 | for her is an important component.

01:46:28.660 | And so it should be your ambition to have money so that you can spend money on her.

01:46:34.060 | And not all spending money or having money is just frivolous and superficial.

01:46:39.620 | It may be expressed differently at different times in a woman's life.

01:46:43.460 | But money is an important feature.

01:46:46.100 | Wealthy guys have a much easier time attracting women because of their ability to provide

01:46:50.260 | financial support.

01:46:52.180 | So investment means money.

01:46:54.380 | Quality time.

01:46:55.380 | Is he a guy who invests into her and provides quality time?

01:46:58.780 | Is a man supportive?

01:47:00.140 | Does he provide commitment?

01:47:01.780 | Is he emotionally available and emotional bonding?

01:47:04.700 | Does he change his lifestyle for her?

01:47:07.220 | These are very highly important things that a woman is probably going to consider to be

01:47:12.420 | very important.

01:47:13.900 | And it's very high on the good guy score.

01:47:16.780 | It gives you lots of points.

01:47:18.500 | Next you have your presentability.

01:47:19.860 | Your appearance.

01:47:20.860 | Do you dress well?

01:47:21.860 | Do you present yourself well in terms of your physical appearance?

01:47:24.260 | Do you have good social skills?

01:47:25.620 | Are you the kind of person who is comfortable in various situations and able to draw people

01:47:29.700 | out with good social skills?

01:47:31.700 | Likeability.

01:47:32.700 | Reputation.

01:47:33.700 | Are you thought well of by others in the community?

01:47:36.020 | Your reputation is very important to women and a woman is likely to draw some measure,

01:47:43.180 | some significant measure of her attraction to you based upon how attractive you are to

01:47:49.320 | other people in the community, both men and in many cases especially women.

01:47:54.100 | Then you have the category of loyalty.

01:47:57.620 | Are you a man who is trustworthy?

01:47:59.900 | Are you willing to be monogamous with her and exclusive?

01:48:02.940 | Are you a man who exercises and demonstrates self-control?

01:48:06.560 | And then there are the bonus factors which matter a lot maybe, I guess.

01:48:12.060 | Homa says they matter a lot to many women of conveniences and possessions and where

01:48:16.660 | you're from and little quirks and idiosyncrasies and about a bazillion different things that

01:48:21.660 | could cause you to be that special someone that she really likes.

01:48:24.620 | Now the important point here is that all of these are good guy scores.

01:48:31.400 | They're all things that you can and should optimize for and they're important on the

01:48:38.540 | good guy score.

01:48:39.900 | They are not sufficient, however, to move you into the husband zone or Prince Charming

01:48:45.060 | zone.

01:48:46.060 | So you have a separate set of metrics that are your bad boy score or your attraction.

01:48:51.700 | So what are those features of your bad boy score?

01:48:55.420 | And they don't have to be negative.

01:48:57.580 | Just to be clear, when we say bad boy, we're using a cultural meme.

01:49:00.880 | You understand what it means.

01:49:02.780 | It doesn't mean that you have to be a morally defective man to have a bad boy score.

01:49:10.540 | You can be an upright and morally righteous man and have a very high bad boy score.

01:49:17.900 | That's just a meme for it.

01:49:19.380 | So let's start at most important or kind of working from the hardcore end down and these

01:49:25.220 | are additive.

01:49:26.300 | So you have a man's body.

01:49:28.100 | Is he a body type that is attractive to her?

01:49:30.720 | What is his height?

01:49:31.720 | Very tall, not so tall, very short.

01:49:34.680 | What is his voice like?

01:49:36.180 | His muscularity?

01:49:37.180 | What are his hands like?

01:49:39.420 | His level of fitness?

01:49:40.820 | How attractive is his face?

01:49:42.660 | What's the amount of chemistry that you have together?

01:49:45.500 | What are the pheromones?

01:49:46.500 | Is he a man who has good hygiene, good posture, good fashion sense?

01:49:51.020 | These are things related to your body.

01:49:54.100 | Then you have factors related to your masculinity, your competence in something, your confidence,

01:50:00.380 | your personal confidence and your competence.

01:50:02.920 | Are you strong, tough, smart?

01:50:05.740 | Do you have a high income?

01:50:06.900 | Are you powerful?

01:50:08.020 | Are you fun?

01:50:09.100 | Are you very skillful, have a lot of talent?

01:50:11.380 | Are you a very high status man?

01:50:13.180 | Are you respected by others?

01:50:14.940 | Are you dominant?

01:50:16.060 | Are you funny, smooth, capable, sly, persevering, mysterious, popular?

01:50:22.280 | Are you comfortable to be around?

01:50:24.060 | Are you stoic?

01:50:25.060 | Do you have good leadership, a strong frame?

01:50:27.660 | Are you protective, aggressive?

01:50:29.980 | Or are you optimistic, self-assured, positive?

01:50:33.540 | Those are kind of the light traits or the dark traits, or I'm superior, I always get

01:50:36.740 | my way, nobody better mess with me, kind of these strong features.

01:50:40.620 | And so the point is to go down that list and just ask yourself, could I optimize for some

01:50:45.820 | of these other features?

01:50:48.180 | And if you're able to optimize on both scales, then the chances are good that you'll be broadly

01:50:57.340 | attractive to women generally, which will improve your ability to attract the highest

01:51:01.780 | quality woman.

01:51:03.460 | And back to your kind of sample set, your bell curve, let's say that you would like

01:51:07.380 | to marry a woman who for you on your metrics is an 8 or 9, 7, 8, 9, 10, something like

01:51:12.940 | that, well, if you can optimize for these things early in life, then you have the highest

01:51:16.900 | possible chances of optimizing or being able to see this through to fruition, to matrimony

01:51:23.780 | and beyond.

01:51:25.380 | So the key lesson is that I thought Ho Math did so beautifully at clarifying as something

01:51:31.780 | that I learned the hard way.

01:51:34.180 | It's not enough just to be a good guy.

01:51:36.020 | You want to maximize for both of those things, for both metrics, for your attraction factors

01:51:42.020 | and for your security factors.

01:51:44.580 | And if you will maximize or optimize for both of those things and find some expression that

01:51:51.100 | is appropriate for you, then it will be simpler and easier for you to catch the eye of an

01:51:58.460 | attractive woman, someone that you would like to pursue further to the next step of the

01:52:03.300 | relationship.

01:52:04.340 | She has to do her part to become an attractive woman, but you also have to do your part to

01:52:08.980 | understand how to be appealing to the kind of woman that you would like to attract.

01:52:15.560 | Some people have many of these characteristics naturally.

01:52:19.340 | I don't know if they're innate, but at least they didn't have to intentionally acquire

01:52:23.740 | these characteristics.

01:52:25.580 | Some people come by many of these characteristics just as a product of their upbringing or their

01:52:30.380 | parents or how they were trained, whatever the natural reasons are that they have them.

01:52:34.980 | But it's better, I think, to listen to people who've had to learn things the hard way and

01:52:39.060 | figure out, "Wait a second.

01:52:40.900 | I don't have that.

01:52:41.900 | What's going wrong?" and then figure out how to fix it so that you can make it go right.

01:52:46.500 | And I would suggest to you that this is a good place to start.

01:52:49.020 | I'll link the video in the show notes, but I think it's useful and a good list for you

01:52:52.980 | to work down.

01:52:53.980 | I close with just simply the encouragement that I want to leave you with.

01:53:01.740 | There are good reasons to want to be married.

01:53:04.960 | You want to be serious about it so that you can get good results, but not obsessed with

01:53:10.180 | it.

01:53:11.180 | Being obsessed with getting married winds up being creepy.

01:53:15.540 | So don't be obsessed with it.

01:53:17.940 | That creates a very kind of weird air for men or for women, both across, that winds

01:53:24.140 | up moving you into creep-ville.

01:53:26.020 | Don't be a creep.

01:53:27.620 | So be serious about it, not obsessed with it.

01:53:30.460 | The reason to be serious about it is simply that the ease of getting successfully married

01:53:38.060 | is it's much easier when you are younger and you get better long-term outcomes.

01:53:43.540 | And people are most likely to not be serious when they are younger.

01:53:48.780 | And so if you are younger, the best strategy is simply to be serious about it.

01:53:54.460 | A young man or woman who knows he or she wants to be married and is serious about it, and

01:53:59.820 | by serious I mean working hard on your own characteristics, meeting people, interacting

01:54:04.880 | with people, thinking about characteristics, and looking for a very high-quality potential

01:54:10.380 | spouse, and then being willing to move down the relationship pathway to marriage when

01:54:14.820 | that occurs, will get the best outcomes.

01:54:17.780 | You'll get the best outcomes for multiple levels.

01:54:20.520 | You'll get all the benefits of marrying when young in terms of the relationship built together.

01:54:25.380 | It's easier to marry young because you're not set in your ways, you're able to interact

01:54:28.740 | with your potential spouse.

01:54:30.300 | As long as you're not getting married too young, you know that this is what you want

01:54:33.840 | to do, you know that this is the pathway you go down, you have enough life experience not

01:54:37.140 | to feel like it's a ball and chain or any of that stuff.

01:54:39.800 | As long as you're ready and you know that, then being married young comes with enormous

01:54:45.060 | benefits for your marriage.

01:54:46.560 | It comes with enormous benefits for your ability to have children, and potentially more than

01:54:50.820 | a handful.

01:54:51.900 | It comes with enormous benefits for you in the long term.

01:54:55.260 | A man who marries young and who has a wife who believes in him and invests into him,

01:55:00.140 | I think is able generally to advance much more quickly in the world because of the transforming

01:55:05.640 | influence of that marriage.

01:55:09.900 | And a woman who marries young I think has a great opportunity, as long as she chooses

01:55:14.500 | someone of good moral character, has a great opportunity to have the best guy that she's

01:55:20.340 | capable of attracting.

01:55:21.840 | If she waits longer and she just optimizes for sex for some old professional athlete

01:55:29.180 | or something like that, then she loses out on the guy who would be the best guy to marry.

01:55:36.020 | And the whole marriage equation changes for men as they become more attractive and more

01:55:40.540 | competent and have more money, then a lot of things change as they get older.

01:55:45.100 | And so it's a very difficult mass of problems to work your way through.

01:55:51.100 | So optimizing for these things when young is really helpful and important, but not obsessing

01:55:56.360 | over them.

01:55:57.540 | And if you're getting good results and you see that, "Hey, I'm meeting people, I'm generally

01:56:02.040 | able to attract people who would be a good fit, and it's just a matter of finding the

01:56:05.420 | right person at the right time of life," just continue what you're doing.

01:56:08.340 | If you're not getting good results, you're not able to find a suitable or high quality

01:56:13.320 | potential spouse, or you're not able to attract people into dating relationships, something's

01:56:17.900 | going wrong, take a hard look and try to figure out where is the problem and identify it.

01:56:23.840 | Because it will not be easier for you down the road.

01:56:27.100 | It is not easier when you're older, especially men.

01:56:31.180 | Hear me clearly.

01:56:33.940 | There is an entirely false idea that is being spread right now for young men.

01:56:41.980 | The false idea is this, "Well, as a man, you're more attractive to women when you're older

01:56:46.500 | and wealthier and more established and everything is going well, and so therefore it's no problem.

01:56:51.460 | You don't need to be serious about getting married.

01:56:53.840 | It's no problem at all."

01:56:55.500 | This is false, and it will give you a false sense of security if you're not serious about

01:57:01.140 | it.

01:57:02.140 | Now, it can be something that is a matter of hope.

01:57:05.700 | At any point in time, a man or woman could marry or can marry.

01:57:09.860 | There's no age at which you can't do it.

01:57:12.440 | As you proceed throughout life, it's good to have that hope alive and say, "What's going

01:57:16.340 | on?

01:57:17.340 | Why am I not married?"

01:57:18.340 | Again, is it a matter of my attractiveness to an ideal candidate?

01:57:22.420 | Is it a matter of finding where these people are, or is it a matter of the ability to see

01:57:26.980 | them through?

01:57:29.600 | But young men especially are having this false hope, and they're saying, "Hey, it's going

01:57:34.460 | to be easier for me down the road."

01:57:36.140 | This is not true, and it's not true for multiple reasons.

01:57:39.620 | Yes, you can attract various—you may be able to attract women into a sexual relationship

01:57:44.900 | with you.

01:57:46.420 | In today's world where promiscuity is widely accepted and where it's relatively easy to

01:57:52.400 | fornicate with women, fine.

01:57:55.340 | That can be good, but optimizing for marriage is not better when you're older.

01:58:02.180 | It's harder because there's a bigger age gap.

01:58:04.100 | It's harder because the most likely marriage candidates are often going to be taken as

01:58:10.300 | you get older, and it's harder because your experience of life changes, and the amount

01:58:16.220 | of time that you have to build a long enduring marriage just becomes much more difficult.

01:58:20.380 | Then even the decision to marry becomes more difficult.

01:58:24.020 | If you marry when you're young, a lot of times as a man, you generally don't have that much

01:58:28.860 | money.

01:58:30.020 | If you are able to attract a high-quality woman, I think of it like that she's basically

01:58:34.300 | getting shares in a startup.

01:58:36.340 | She is joining an enterprise that can be great rather than one that is great, and so she's

01:58:43.820 | getting shares in a startup.

01:58:45.740 | It's all about potential, who you might become as a man.

01:58:49.460 | She can affect you and influence you enormously.

01:58:53.000 | It is so powerful to have a woman who believes in you and a wife by your side, especially

01:58:57.940 | through those early years.

01:58:59.760 | If you wait until you are older, number one, there's no guarantee that you'll be old and

01:59:05.860 | attractive.

01:59:07.420 | Some men have this idea.

01:59:08.420 | "When I'm 45 years old, I'm going to be a multimillionaire and have a six-pack and live

01:59:12.780 | on the beach, and I'm going to be dating Joshua's friend from college who's this beautiful 19-year-old

01:59:18.300 | girl."

01:59:19.300 | Okay, maybe.

01:59:20.300 | But there's a decent chance that that doesn't work out at all.

01:59:22.540 | It's a decent chance that you're completely broke and you declared bankruptcy for the

01:59:25.820 | second time when you're 45 years old, and now you don't have any of those attractive

01:59:30.820 | qualities.

01:59:32.420 | But even if you do, even if you do have those attractive qualities, imagine yourself now

01:59:37.100 | as a 45-year-old man, multimillionaire, living on the beach, great shape.

01:59:42.220 | You have access to any woman that you want to for a sexual relationship, but now you

01:59:46.860 | want to marry.

01:59:47.860 | Who are you going to marry?

01:59:50.620 | Are you going to marry a 45-year-old woman like you, who has a similar understanding

01:59:55.580 | of life and experience in life, but is unable to bear you any children or probably unable

02:00:01.660 | to bear you any children?

02:00:03.780 | That doesn't seem super attractive.

02:00:06.820 | So now let's imagine, are you going to marry a 30-year-old woman who's 15 years younger

02:00:10.660 | than you are, but hey, maybe she can have some children and she's younger and that's

02:00:16.300 | okay because I'm older and she's younger.

02:00:18.100 | Well, maybe you will, but now what's your financial risk in marriage?

02:00:21.580 | The first thing you're thinking about when you've got millions of dollars is, "Well,

02:00:25.060 | she's going to divorce me and take half my money and ruin it," and that's a genuine objection,

02:00:29.820 | a genuine problem.

02:00:30.900 | You come to me and I'm going to be talking to you about your prenup, but then are you

02:00:34.860 | so committed to marriage?

02:00:35.860 | Is she so committed to marriage that it's no problem and it absolutely makes sense?

02:00:39.980 | And that's to say nothing of finding a 30-year-old that you even want to marry.

02:00:43.220 | If she's 30 years old and she's not married, it's because she either is not an attractive

02:00:47.460 | marriage candidate or she's not chosen to optimize for marriage.

02:00:51.220 | So maybe she's lived the last 12 years of her legal adult life doing something else,

02:00:56.780 | but in 12 years, an attractive woman wasn't able to get married.

02:01:03.180 | An attractive woman who wants to marry, who's optimizing for marriage, can marry.

02:01:08.340 | And so what's wrong?

02:01:09.700 | Why was she not married?

02:01:11.100 | Why is she not?

02:01:12.100 | So I'm going to go back to a 20-year-old and I'm going to marry a 20-year-old.

02:01:15.460 | Come on.

02:01:16.460 | You're 45 years old.

02:01:18.140 | You're going to marry a 20-year-old?

02:01:20.140 | For what?

02:01:21.140 | You have no shared culture, nothing in common.

02:01:23.820 | It's the strangest relationship.

02:01:25.300 | Oh, it's physical.

02:01:26.300 | Okay, fine, but it's weird.

02:01:29.280 | And why would a 20-year-old want to marry you, especially a marriage-minded 20-year-old,

02:01:35.420 | for something other than your money?

02:01:37.820 | So don't fall into this false idea that somehow it's all going to be easier when I'm older

02:01:42.680 | and richer.

02:01:44.160 | It's not necessary to be rich to marry.

02:01:48.200 | And so if you weren't able to attract someone when you're younger, go back and figure out

02:01:51.480 | what it is.

02:01:53.080 | A younger woman who is marriage-minded is going to understand that you're not rich yet,

02:02:03.760 | but she can see ambition and she can see character and she can rate you on that stuff knowing

02:02:09.060 | where you're likely to wind up.

02:02:11.580 | The fact that you're able to get rich at 45 is not generally a surprise to an insightful

02:02:16.260 | woman who stops and thinks about it.

02:02:18.360 | Does this guy have the characteristics that he's likely to do it?

02:02:22.020 | My point is there is a false idea that is going out there and people are saying, "Well,

02:02:27.300 | it's just going to be—for men especially—oh, it's easier when you're older."

02:02:31.000 | And again, there is an element of truth to it in that you may be more attractive when

02:02:35.540 | you are wealthy.

02:02:36.980 | That is certainly something that is true, but that doesn't optimize for marriage.

02:02:42.500 | It may optimize for promiscuity and fornication, and that does not lead you to a happy life.

02:02:48.920 | Do you really want to go and trade places with Leonardo DiCaprio or Dan Bilzerian?

02:02:56.900 | Are these guys your role models of where you want to be at 45 years old or 50 years old?

02:03:03.020 | Dating some 19-year-old model for three years and then sending her down the road to replace

02:03:08.000 | with another?

02:03:09.340 | I think there's an element in which we can all acknowledge that, "All right, well, that

02:03:12.380 | sounds kind of fun, I guess, but if you stop and listen to them, I'll play an audio here

02:03:17.020 | for you in a moment.

02:03:18.020 | I was expecting this for a long time, but I finally got it from Bilzerian," and it just

02:03:24.160 | shows it.

02:03:25.160 | By the way, you can separate the money from the lifestyle.

02:03:29.960 | Would you rather be Pierce Brosnan, married to a woman for decades and have all of that

02:03:37.260 | shared life experience, or Leonardo DiCaprio, just a pathetic old man with lots of money

02:03:44.320 | continually cycling through and using young women?

02:03:47.360 | Let me play you a clip that came out I think about a month ago, and I've expected this

02:03:52.000 | for a while, but it's interesting.

02:03:54.040 | This clip is important for us to listen to from some of these guys and understand you

02:03:57.920 | don't want to wind up like them.

02:04:01.100 | Minor parental warning here, this clip is a little bit vulgar, but it's important.

02:04:06.060 | Here's just a clip from a recent podcast interview with Dan Bilzerian.

02:04:11.620 | How many women have you slept with in your life total?

02:04:15.300 | Thousands.

02:04:16.300 | Like Will Chamberlain levels?

02:04:18.060 | Not 20,000.

02:04:19.060 | 20,000 is a bit ambitious, but I mean, like I said, I was having sex with three girls

02:04:24.700 | a day on average at least at a minimum.

02:04:27.420 | If I only had sex with two girls in a day, that was like we're having some real off day

02:04:32.860 | or something.

02:04:33.860 | Some days four, sometimes whatever, five, seven.

02:04:37.620 | The most was nine, but I don't know.

02:04:43.940 | It didn't really seem to matter that much.

02:04:46.740 | I don't know.

02:04:47.740 | Ten some, or ten some, I guess, you count yourself, ten some.

02:04:52.620 | I don't know.

02:04:53.620 | I don't know.

02:04:54.620 | They're just waiting.

02:04:55.620 | It's just like having sex with one girl, they're just waiting.

02:04:58.300 | I don't know.

02:04:59.300 | There's a lot of obligation for you to have sex with nine girls.

02:05:04.140 | I had this image in my mind when I was growing up of how awesome this would be.

02:05:08.660 | I don't know.

02:05:09.660 | What I kind of landed on was I think it's better to have a monogamous relationship.

02:05:12.940 | As strange as that is coming from me, because I think if ... You've got two choices.

02:05:20.500 | You can just do whatever you want and be free and allow the women to be free and just use

02:05:25.700 | condoms with all the girls and not care about if they hook up with other guys and it's just

02:05:29.300 | like purely sexual and whatever, or I think you can find a girl that you enjoy spending

02:05:35.580 | time with and that you actually trust each other.

02:05:38.940 | I think it's hard to have that ... I'm not saying it's impossible, but I think it's unlikely

02:05:46.300 | to find a woman that is going to be okay with you sleeping with other women that actually

02:05:51.920 | cares about you for the right reasons.

02:05:53.980 | It is possible.

02:05:54.980 | If you find a bisexual, very open, whatever, I'm not saying it's impossible.

02:06:00.940 | It's very unlikely.

02:06:02.380 | I also think that even if the girl is okay with it, I think that you cause internal damage

02:06:08.580 | to her and I found that with Andrea and it didn't feel good to me, but like I said, I

02:06:15.220 | do think that one cool girl that does stuff with you that you actually have a mental connection

02:06:20.820 | with, I think the sex is better.

02:06:23.140 | I think you're more relaxed.

02:06:25.580 | I think you have less things to deal with, less distractions.

02:06:29.500 | Your energy is not being pulled in a bunch of different directions.

02:06:32.340 | That's one of the complications of polyamory is the amount of logistics that you have to

02:06:37.380 | like if you're in relationship in some way, even if there's like a hierarchy to the polyamory,

02:06:42.360 | you have like six different schedules you have to manage.

02:06:44.660 | You run a company.

02:06:45.740 | There's trying to do other things.

02:06:47.180 | It's draining.

02:06:48.180 | Yeah.

02:06:49.180 | Like you have to do like a lot.

02:06:50.180 | You have to do like 30 or 50 or 100 or whatever, or you have to ... I don't know.

02:06:55.660 | In my opinion, I think the one, but I really don't like the dynamic of three girls.

02:07:01.860 | I think it's like guaranteed to cause competition.

02:07:04.420 | I don't think the girl's going to be happy.

02:07:07.140 | Maybe two could work if they were into each other, maybe, but then if you're just hanging

02:07:11.780 | out with one, the other one's just sitting there.

02:07:13.580 | I don't know.

02:07:14.580 | I haven't found too many dynamics that were super successful long term.

02:07:18.740 | Short term, I have, but not for any like indefinite period of time.

02:07:25.540 | Don't take my opinion for it.

02:07:27.860 | Just understand.

02:07:28.860 | Again, not everyone, there are wackos who don't ever get introspective like Bilzerian,

02:07:34.460 | but they're sociopaths.

02:07:36.860 | And you don't want to be a sociopath, but all non-sociopaths that go down that pathway,

02:07:42.940 | that Bilzerian or DiCaprio or whatever, eventually they wind up in a similar situation.

02:07:47.900 | What was the point?

02:07:48.900 | What was the point of this?

02:07:50.100 | But you don't see that reflected in other people.

02:07:52.300 | So in summary, don't be the guy who just says, "Well, it's going to be easier when I'm older

02:07:57.340 | and richer."

02:07:58.580 | It's not.

02:07:59.580 | It's never easier down the road.

02:08:02.200 | You don't want to marry poorly.

02:08:04.300 | You don't want to marry a low quality woman.

02:08:07.520 | You don't want to marry the wrong woman.

02:08:11.360 | What you want to do is marry the right woman, a high quality woman at a young age, if possible.

02:08:20.900 | So you want to be serious about preparing yourself to be able to attract her at a young

02:08:25.180 | age and then move into marriage at a young age.

02:08:29.060 | And if you can get both of those things right, you can choose a high quality woman because

02:08:34.540 | you were thoughtful and careful in your analysis and you chose someone that was optimized for

02:08:39.420 | marriage rather than optimized for some other factor.

02:08:43.340 | And you marry at a young age, that's when you get the best long-term outcomes.

02:08:47.600 | So be serious about it and recognize that we don't want to get into a situation in which

02:08:52.220 | we feel pressure, "I just got to marry whoever's available."

02:08:55.080 | That's not the best long-term outcome.

02:08:57.260 | There are lies that are told to women consistently and repeatedly.

02:09:00.960 | The most common one that is happening right now is that there's always time, you always

02:09:06.740 | have time, you always have time, and that's simply not true.

02:09:10.280 | And there are lies that are told to men and those lies are emerging.

02:09:13.900 | We need to combat them, both of them.

02:09:16.100 | And the way to optimize is as I have described, take it seriously, not obsessively, don't

02:09:21.300 | be a weirdo, but recognize that you can change yourself.

02:09:25.020 | You can optimize your personal qualities to be attractive to your ideal spouse candidate.

02:09:30.540 | You can go out and you can interact with and meet many potential spouses in a forum or

02:09:35.260 | format that's appropriate for you and one of those relationships with a high-quality

02:09:40.240 | potential spouse can move towards marriage.

02:09:43.540 | Even though it may be difficult or more demanding in our current era and we need some kind of

02:09:47.760 | weird long two-hour and ten-minute podcast about it that we wouldn't have needed 80 years

02:09:53.300 | ago, it's still possible and it's still doable.

02:09:57.260 | So I've done the podcast, now you have to do the hard work and I wish you well.

02:10:01.780 | I really do.

02:10:02.780 | I hope that it works.

02:10:03.780 | I want to see our culture optimize again towards preparing young people to be ready for marriage

02:10:08.480 | at a young age, build strong families that endure.

02:10:11.460 | I want you to have a 70-year, an 80-year, a 90-year marriage.

02:10:15.500 | I want our children to see that and for us to establish that and create those kinds of

02:10:21.140 | long-enduring families rather than the kind of situations that we see around us.

02:10:27.260 | I hope that this has been a useful way for you to think through some of these issues.

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2024-05-01_Framework_to_Find_and_Attract_the_Spouse_of_Your_Dreams