2020-09-15_Install_a_Success_Operating_System_in_Your_Children
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00:00:30.620 | - Welcome to Radical Personal Finance,
00:00:31.920 | a show dedicated to providing you with the knowledge,
00:00:33.720 | skills, insight, and encouragement you need
00:00:36.060 | to live a rich and meaningful life now,
00:00:38.400 | while building a plan for financial freedom
00:00:39.940 | in 10 years or less.
00:00:41.340 | My name is Joshua Sheets, I am your host,
00:00:43.000 | and today I want to share with you a simple idea
00:00:46.000 | to help you to coach your children
00:00:50.480 | to acquiring the skills and ability and knowledge
00:00:53.020 | that they will need to be successful and effective in life.
00:00:59.060 | And then in the latter part of the show,
00:01:00.320 | I will introduce briefly a series of episodes
00:01:02.960 | that you'll hear coming in the coming days.
00:01:05.260 | One of the goals that we all have as parents
00:01:09.800 | is the success of our children.
00:01:12.900 | If you have children and you've set goals,
00:01:16.240 | I'm sure that on your list of goals,
00:01:18.380 | you have goals related to the success of your children.
00:01:21.300 | But as with many things in life and in money,
00:01:27.620 | it seems that we often gravitate to the goals
00:01:31.180 | that are the easiest to enumerate in clear numbers.
00:01:35.680 | I've worked with many people who say,
00:01:36.920 | "I have a goal of saving $50,000
00:01:39.660 | "for my children's college education,"
00:01:41.460 | or "I have a goal of sending my child
00:01:42.820 | "to a private school," et cetera.
00:01:44.600 | These goals are useful because they're easily identified.
00:01:49.660 | You can understand if you're hitting them or not.
00:01:51.900 | And yet, as with many things that I've observed
00:01:54.840 | related to money, while not wrong,
00:01:58.620 | they're sometimes not the most effective way
00:02:00.580 | of accomplishing what you're really trying to accomplish,
00:02:02.740 | what you really want to make happen.
00:02:04.820 | What you really want is for your children
00:02:09.100 | to be successful, not to have a college degree.
00:02:11.540 | Now, to the extent that the college degree
00:02:14.900 | helps them to be successful in life,
00:02:16.780 | to live the life of their dreams,
00:02:18.000 | to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be competent,
00:02:20.260 | to be effective, to be provided for, et cetera,
00:02:22.980 | then it fits into that.
00:02:24.060 | But the fundamental plan is that you want
00:02:27.580 | your children to be successful.
00:02:29.900 | And you know, and the reason why I'm talking
00:02:32.020 | about this on a personal finance show,
00:02:34.060 | that not only do our children consume
00:02:36.940 | a tremendous amount of financial resources,
00:02:39.340 | but there are few pains greater for a wealthy person
00:02:44.340 | than if that wealthy person has to survey
00:02:47.700 | children who are failures in life,
00:02:51.020 | in whatever sense you consider someone
00:02:53.420 | to be a failure in life.
00:02:54.580 | It's very painful, very, very painful.
00:02:57.260 | And yet we have a few precious years
00:02:59.480 | where we can make a tremendous difference
00:03:00.900 | into our children's lives.
00:03:03.460 | Now, during those years, especially in the younger years,
00:03:09.700 | we do a number of important things with our children.
00:03:12.700 | But at its core, what we do is we install
00:03:16.780 | into our children, in some ways, an operating system.
00:03:22.460 | I don't believe in the tabula rasa theory,
00:03:25.900 | the idea that children are just a blank slate.
00:03:29.180 | It's a little bit,
00:03:31.180 | I think that's a little bit excessive.
00:03:36.860 | But in many ways, children are a blank slate.
00:03:40.480 | And as parents, we install into them
00:03:44.060 | the operating system that makes them tick.
00:03:46.540 | They have all the basic hardware,
00:03:49.260 | but it's the input that they receive in their life
00:03:52.700 | that will largely determine what they think about life.
00:03:56.500 | Now, a lot of that input is not accidental,
00:04:00.560 | but it's out of your control.
00:04:02.740 | I've often imagined,
00:04:04.500 | you know, what do people,
00:04:07.180 | you know, a child who's raised in the war-torn,
00:04:09.720 | in the middle of a civil war,
00:04:12.460 | where at eight years old,
00:04:13.420 | somebody puts an AK-47 in their hand and says, "Go kill."
00:04:16.500 | Right, that's a devastating virus to install
00:04:20.500 | into the software set of a child.
00:04:22.480 | And yet, we infect our children so many times
00:04:28.780 | with viruses that are unnecessary.
00:04:32.040 | And a lot of times, it happens accidentally,
00:04:34.540 | happens based upon the inputs and the influences
00:04:36.720 | that we allow into their lives,
00:04:38.520 | which is why, as parents, we have a responsibility
00:04:41.020 | to be so extraordinarily careful and picky
00:04:45.940 | about what we allow into their lives,
00:04:48.780 | to make sure that, in essence,
00:04:51.260 | the operating system that they receive,
00:04:53.400 | the way of looking at the world,
00:04:54.620 | the way of thinking about things is appropriate,
00:04:58.500 | is as correct, is as useful as we can possibly make it,
00:05:02.380 | is as genuinely,
00:05:05.080 | is as close to truth as we are able to accomplish.
00:05:11.060 | So how do you do that?
00:05:15.180 | Well, I think first, it involves
00:05:17.500 | living an examined life yourself,
00:05:19.620 | doing your very best as a parent
00:05:22.360 | to understand what you believe and why you believe it,
00:05:25.500 | doing your best to live as a model before your children.
00:05:29.300 | Ideally, all of us who are parents
00:05:30.940 | should be able to say, "Follow me, do as I do,
00:05:34.740 | "model me, imitate me, copy me."
00:05:38.300 | I've often found, I think,
00:05:41.020 | some of the most compelling words in scripture,
00:05:42.860 | "Follow me as I follow Christ."
00:05:45.420 | That was, of course, the Apostle Paul,
00:05:46.740 | or to put it into a more modern translation,
00:05:48.740 | "And you should imitate me just as I imitate Christ."
00:05:52.140 | I think that, at its core, as parents,
00:05:54.940 | our goal should be to lay before our children
00:05:57.780 | an example that is worthy of following,
00:06:00.740 | and that, to the extent that we can do that effectively,
00:06:03.900 | we can make an enormous impact in their lives.
00:06:06.760 | We all know that none of us will be perfect,
00:06:09.140 | none of us will live perfectly,
00:06:10.300 | none of us will do things perfectly for them,
00:06:13.020 | but we know that if we can do that effectively over time,
00:06:18.020 | then that'll be the strongest influence in their lives.
00:06:22.660 | They're going to want to be like you.
00:06:24.940 | They're going to want to do the things that you do.
00:06:29.860 | And as a man, I find that incredibly motivating,
00:06:33.260 | because I often look myself in the mirror,
00:06:35.740 | and I think, "Would I want my child to do what I'm doing?
00:06:42.500 | "Do I want my son to model me, to copy me?
00:06:45.220 | "Do I want my daughter to live as I'm living?
00:06:48.040 | "What do I want them to see?
00:06:49.520 | "And if so, I'd better make it real,
00:06:51.780 | "because I can't fool my children.
00:06:53.160 | "I can't tell my children that I am something,
00:06:55.780 | "or I believe something, and it not be the truth,
00:06:57.980 | "'cause they will know, and worse,
00:07:00.400 | "not only will they know that I was wrong about that,
00:07:02.840 | "that I lied about that,
00:07:03.800 | "but now they'll know that I'm a liar.
00:07:05.480 | "They'll know that I'm an inauthentic liar,"
00:07:08.020 | which would, of course, be devastating
00:07:10.980 | to their image of me and what things would happen.
00:07:15.980 | But in addition to that,
00:07:18.740 | I think we need to install into our children positive ideas,
00:07:23.300 | ideas that have served the test of time,
00:07:25.420 | ideas that will help them in life,
00:07:28.300 | ideas that are empowering to them.
00:07:31.340 | And I believe that if you're a parent,
00:07:33.800 | you're nodding your head with me.
00:07:35.020 | I can't imagine anybody would brook disagreement
00:07:38.780 | with what I'm saying.
00:07:40.380 | But the question is how, how do you do that?
00:07:43.900 | Well, I think at its core,
00:07:49.020 | ideally, you do it intentionally.
00:07:51.300 | And where I see the biggest weaknesses in life
00:07:56.340 | is often with regard to philosophy,
00:07:59.900 | instilling philosophy, a way of thinking,
00:08:02.260 | a way of living, a way of being into children.
00:08:07.800 | If you participate in the mainstream school system,
00:08:10.940 | your child will receive basic instruction in math facts,
00:08:15.940 | basic instruction in literacy,
00:08:18.740 | basic instruction in basic knowledge of the world,
00:08:22.820 | perhaps an appreciation of some bare facts of history
00:08:25.600 | and geography, et cetera,
00:08:27.240 | maybe an appreciation of how to wield a paintbrush
00:08:29.440 | or how to do a breaststroke.
00:08:32.180 | But at the end of the day,
00:08:33.380 | the philosophy that is going to be articulated
00:08:35.860 | to your child in a formal school setting
00:08:39.460 | is often not a philosophy with teeth.
00:08:43.300 | It's often not a fully well-rounded philosophy.
00:08:45.740 | There will be a philosophy accompanied by it
00:08:47.700 | because facts don't exist in a vacuum.
00:08:49.780 | Facts are always laden with a philosophical worldview.
00:08:53.580 | And that's why you and I have a responsibility
00:08:58.060 | to be so cautious and so careful as to the teachers
00:09:00.540 | that we allow into our children's lives.
00:09:03.580 | But at its core, since that kind of training
00:09:06.460 | and instruction is fundamentally religious in nature,
00:09:11.460 | it's difficult for avowed non-religious schools to do it,
00:09:16.420 | which means that children often pick up their philosophy
00:09:18.420 | from their friends or from popular sources.
00:09:20.500 | And we don't install a better operating system.
00:09:22.420 | We don't install a better philosophy.
00:09:24.220 | So I wanna give you some suggestions
00:09:27.140 | on how I think you should install a better philosophy.
00:09:31.920 | At its fundamental level, you'll of course wanna begin
00:09:35.180 | with a religious worldview.
00:09:37.180 | You'll wanna begin with the great questions of life,
00:09:40.040 | the meaning of life, the purpose of life, et cetera.
00:09:44.040 | And so if you ascribe to a particular religious tradition,
00:09:46.840 | it's made simpler for you.
00:09:48.920 | It's made easier for you because you say,
00:09:51.560 | hey, this is what we believe,
00:09:52.900 | and we're going to install this operating system,
00:09:55.860 | these ideas, this philosophy into our children.
00:10:00.720 | For someone who comes from a structured background,
00:10:03.600 | who's part of a structured religious tradition,
00:10:06.640 | many times there are catechisms or family instruction
00:10:11.080 | manuals that you can use,
00:10:12.280 | and that can be very, very helpful.
00:10:14.040 | That may form the base.
00:10:18.160 | But there are a lot of other philosophies
00:10:21.460 | that would not be taught in that kind of religious tradition
00:10:25.480 | that you'll want to pay attention to,
00:10:28.880 | especially philosophies and points of thinking
00:10:31.480 | with regard to money, life, success,
00:10:36.480 | how much control you have over what happens to your life.
00:10:40.520 | And I believe that you can install from a very early age
00:10:45.520 | philosophies that will make a big difference.
00:10:49.600 | You can do this in many ways.
00:10:50.800 | You might just be a purveyor of pithy proverbs,
00:10:54.520 | and as such, you drop these little gems
00:10:58.320 | into your child's heart.
00:11:00.160 | These are the classic things
00:11:01.240 | that perhaps your grandmother said.
00:11:03.120 | A person convinced against their will
00:11:04.460 | is of the same opinion still.
00:11:05.640 | There's a great truth and meaning in that axiom
00:11:10.040 | that if a child grasps it can make a big difference.
00:11:14.020 | Or related to money, profits are better than wages.
00:11:17.200 | Profits are better than wages.
00:11:18.960 | A simple statement like that,
00:11:20.840 | repeated hundreds of times throughout a child's life,
00:11:23.760 | whenever appropriate, will have a profound impact
00:11:27.160 | on the financial philosophy of a child.
00:11:30.160 | Profits are better than wages.
00:11:31.840 | Pay yourself first.
00:11:36.920 | Whatever your little sayings are,
00:11:41.540 | they make a big impact in your children's lives.
00:11:45.560 | There may be things that you don't say.
00:11:47.240 | For example, I'm very cautious to never say
00:11:50.280 | something like, I can't afford that.
00:11:52.960 | I never use those words, either to myself
00:11:55.480 | and especially not in the presence of my children.
00:11:57.280 | I never say, I can't afford that.
00:11:59.280 | Because I know that I can afford anything
00:12:02.880 | that I choose to afford, it's just a matter
00:12:05.160 | of am I willing to pay the price
00:12:06.320 | to accumulate the resources necessary
00:12:08.640 | to be able to afford it.
00:12:10.240 | And so I'll use language of responsibility,
00:12:14.200 | such as, we choose not to spend money on that.
00:12:16.920 | Or, I don't think that's worth spending money on.
00:12:19.480 | I don't think that's a good buy.
00:12:20.600 | I don't think that's worth it.
00:12:22.940 | Similar things.
00:12:23.900 | I never say, I don't have time.
00:12:26.100 | I might say sometimes, I feel like I don't have time,
00:12:29.260 | but I don't say, I don't have time.
00:12:31.780 | And I especially am never gonna say that to my children.
00:12:33.820 | I don't have time.
00:12:35.380 | The answer is, I have the same amount of time
00:12:37.380 | as anybody else, so it's not the matter of having time,
00:12:41.340 | it's a matter of my personal priorities.
00:12:43.580 | But this goes far beyond.
00:12:47.060 | This goes far beyond to things like complaining.
00:12:50.980 | It goes to, how do you talk about other people?
00:12:54.060 | It goes to the respect that you use
00:12:55.500 | to talk to other people.
00:12:57.580 | The example that we set before our children
00:12:59.800 | makes a tremendous difference in how they think
00:13:02.780 | about life and how they think about others.
00:13:04.940 | I think there's still a need, however,
00:13:10.580 | to install deeper level philosophies.
00:13:15.580 | And I want you to think about how to do that
00:13:20.560 | in your child's life.
00:13:21.420 | If there's something that you think is important,
00:13:23.060 | how are you going to install it into their life?
00:13:25.380 | How are you gonna cause them to think what you think?
00:13:28.540 | What it's core, you're gonna have to tell them
00:13:32.900 | what you think and why you think it.
00:13:34.820 | And that's our responsibility as parents to say,
00:13:38.580 | this is what I believe is correct.
00:13:40.100 | This is what I believe is right.
00:13:41.300 | And here's why I believe it's correct.
00:13:43.340 | Here's why I believe it's right.
00:13:48.260 | One of the most powerful ways to do that,
00:13:50.640 | in addition to your personal example,
00:13:52.280 | in addition to your personal stories
00:13:56.700 | and your personal instruction,
00:13:59.000 | is to invite other people who are qualified teachers
00:14:02.620 | into your home to give those lessons.
00:14:05.280 | And so this is what you do when you're helping your child
00:14:10.520 | with their numeracy.
00:14:11.440 | This is what you do when you're helping your child
00:14:13.080 | with their piano.
00:14:14.560 | You invite a teacher into your home.
00:14:17.660 | But how do you invite the teachers that can speak broadly?
00:14:22.660 | I would say the simple and obvious answer to that
00:14:26.480 | is read to your children.
00:14:28.180 | The books that you choose to read to your children
00:14:32.240 | will make a tremendous difference in their life
00:14:34.440 | and it will shape their thinking.
00:14:36.280 | It will shape their way of operating.
00:14:41.280 | And if you'll give them the tools that they need
00:14:46.640 | to be successful in life,
00:14:48.760 | both through your direct instruction
00:14:50.760 | and by passive instruction with books
00:14:53.720 | and things that you put before them,
00:14:55.340 | you'll help them to be able to navigate situations.
00:14:59.460 | Now this is intensely practical.
00:15:00.920 | At an early age, there are so many things you can do.
00:15:05.920 | You know, I just recently, a while ago,
00:15:09.200 | I found this wonderful book for children.
00:15:12.380 | It's not in English, it's in Spanish,
00:15:14.660 | but it's called Mis Palabras.
00:15:16.080 | And it's written by someone who's a Montessori teacher.
00:15:20.000 | And it's this really well done story
00:15:22.600 | where it involves a boy and a girl
00:15:25.280 | having an argument on the playground.
00:15:27.440 | And in the first example, they have an argument.
00:15:30.400 | They wind up kicking each other,
00:15:31.880 | they wind up throwing sand at each other
00:15:33.160 | 'cause they're angry 'cause they don't know
00:15:34.180 | how to use words to communicate,
00:15:35.520 | to solve their problems thoughtfully.
00:15:38.780 | And then the protagonists in the book
00:15:42.640 | teach the Montessori method of using
00:15:45.140 | basically a speaking stick where you speak
00:15:48.040 | and you listen to one another.
00:15:50.000 | And then of course, magically in the storybook,
00:15:51.800 | the children work it out and they resolve their problems.
00:15:54.800 | Now it's a great kid's book.
00:15:56.720 | But it teaches a lesson that if we teach our children
00:16:00.160 | and we give them the tools,
00:16:01.160 | or here's how you settle conflict
00:16:02.560 | and you do it in a peaceful, nonviolent way,
00:16:04.900 | it's extraordinarily helpful.
00:16:07.120 | It helps tremendously.
00:16:08.620 | And yet, do you do that?
00:16:14.180 | Are you giving your children the tools that they need?
00:16:17.200 | The simple everyday tools of society matter tremendously.
00:16:22.060 | I'll give you a simple example.
00:16:25.560 | I teach my children with very modest success
00:16:29.020 | at this stage of their life,
00:16:30.180 | but I aspire to be able to do this
00:16:34.360 | with more success in time.
00:16:36.220 | But I teach my children how to talk to people.
00:16:38.280 | And a simple tactic, for example,
00:16:40.260 | I teach my children that when somebody finishes talking,
00:16:43.080 | you should wait three to five seconds.
00:16:45.700 | I make them count to four.
00:16:47.000 | You know, three, four, five seconds
00:16:49.200 | to make sure that they're really done with their speech.
00:16:52.620 | It's an incredibly valuable technique
00:16:56.460 | that you and I use every day,
00:16:58.780 | that when someone speaks,
00:16:59.680 | you just simply cultivate the habit
00:17:02.140 | of not responding immediately, not interrupting,
00:17:05.380 | not correcting immediately, but stop and wait
00:17:10.100 | just three to five seconds to see if they're fully done.
00:17:13.400 | And it's a powerful tool in communication
00:17:15.420 | to help you become a better conversationalist.
00:17:17.680 | And yet, were you ever taught that as a child?
00:17:20.920 | Did your teachers ever say,
00:17:21.820 | "Let me teach you how to be a conversationalist?"
00:17:24.220 | Years ago, I used to go to networking events
00:17:29.720 | and cocktail parties,
00:17:30.640 | and it's often been hard for me to talk to people
00:17:32.320 | that I didn't know.
00:17:33.480 | And I stumbled across in a book
00:17:34.960 | a list of 10 conversation starter questions,
00:17:37.360 | just general, normal stuff
00:17:39.460 | that some people don't have to study.
00:17:40.780 | Things like, "How did you get involved in this business?"
00:17:44.100 | Just simple things like that
00:17:45.520 | that are simple, open-ended questions
00:17:47.440 | that facilitate and lubricate the early stages
00:17:50.580 | of a conversation in that kind of context.
00:17:53.060 | I memorized them, and I just practiced using them.
00:17:56.280 | Well, one of the things that I will do
00:17:58.480 | as my children get older
00:17:59.360 | is I'll give them similar questions.
00:18:01.140 | Here are ways that you start a conversation.
00:18:03.780 | I remember my wife, when she was younger,
00:18:05.540 | she tells me that she felt just very awkward.
00:18:07.740 | She didn't know how to talk to people
00:18:08.840 | because she didn't know how to start a conversation.
00:18:11.300 | And yet, if you just simply input
00:18:14.620 | into your children's operating system,
00:18:16.680 | read them a book on how to be a great conversationalist,
00:18:21.180 | and then have them memorize, as part of their education,
00:18:24.900 | 10 questions that you can use to start a conversation,
00:18:28.620 | and then have them practice,
00:18:30.040 | you can help your child to be a great conversationalist.
00:18:33.680 | And that little bit of practice
00:18:36.860 | in their operating system is incredibly valuable.
00:18:40.280 | Now, I think your basic tool
00:18:45.560 | is simply to have your child read books.
00:18:49.220 | But I think many people wait too long
00:18:53.340 | to start to have their child do it.
00:18:55.540 | They wait until their child is 15 and say,
00:18:56.740 | "Okay, when you're 15, I'm gonna give you a book on money,"
00:18:59.700 | instead of starting earlier.
00:19:02.060 | And so I think that we should start earlier.
00:19:04.520 | I think that we should read our children useful books
00:19:07.360 | that teach them lessons.
00:19:08.800 | Now, the best way to do it
00:19:09.840 | is usually in the context of a story.
00:19:12.260 | A story or a parable that has a lesson,
00:19:17.260 | a moral lesson, a practical lesson embedded within it,
00:19:21.080 | is the most powerful teaching device that we have.
00:19:23.600 | And so you can choose and should choose carefully books,
00:19:28.560 | resources, et cetera,
00:19:29.720 | that are going to help your children to learn lessons.
00:19:32.580 | And you should read them intentionally to your children.
00:19:36.220 | What I would encourage you today, however,
00:19:39.220 | is don't stop with children's books.
00:19:41.940 | I see no reason not to take the very best resources
00:19:46.940 | for adults and then share them with your children
00:19:50.500 | and to do it from a very early age.
00:19:53.160 | So I'll give you an example
00:19:54.000 | and I'll tell you how I'm doing this.
00:19:55.660 | And you can watch over the years
00:19:57.260 | and we'll see how effective this is.
00:19:58.780 | But sometimes I like to say things in advance
00:20:01.000 | so that if it is effective and if it works,
00:20:03.480 | you know it's not by accident.
00:20:05.000 | Kind of like when you're playing pool, you call your shots
00:20:07.160 | so you know it wasn't just slop.
00:20:09.460 | I read all kinds of books to my children.
00:20:14.460 | And I try to choose lots of books, storybooks,
00:20:17.180 | first of all, that are perfectly clean,
00:20:18.660 | that have model character, model behavior,
00:20:20.780 | that have the values that our family stands for.
00:20:25.020 | And it's very difficult,
00:20:26.780 | but we actually work very hard often
00:20:30.020 | to weed out the most, the bad example.
00:20:35.020 | I don't have any data,
00:20:36.460 | I've never really been able to prove this,
00:20:38.300 | but I don't think it helps children
00:20:40.140 | who don't have a very good filter
00:20:42.620 | to see examples of badness, whatever that badness is.
00:20:46.540 | I'll give you a silly example, you'll laugh.
00:20:48.780 | But it's a true example.
00:20:52.940 | A number of years ago,
00:20:54.380 | my wife kicked Curious George out of our house.
00:20:59.020 | Now, it's hard to find anybody who's gonna say,
00:21:01.660 | Curious George is not,
00:21:03.500 | is anything wrong with Curious George?
00:21:05.660 | You got this classic book that's just fun about a monkey.
00:21:09.160 | But if you look at the Curious George stories,
00:21:11.020 | in every single story, Curious George is basically naughty.
00:21:15.100 | He disobeys almost everything that he's told,
00:21:17.580 | he gets into problems that are very significant problems,
00:21:20.740 | and then through some great stroke of life,
00:21:23.140 | stroke of luck, he escapes by the skin of his teeth,
00:21:25.660 | and everything is fine,
00:21:26.820 | and he bears no consequences for his behavior.
00:21:30.260 | And I loved Curious George when I was a child,
00:21:32.500 | and she pointed out to me,
00:21:33.340 | like, no, but I like Curious George,
00:21:34.620 | and then I realized, you know what, she's right.
00:21:37.180 | This is nothing but an example of a naughty monkey
00:21:41.180 | who never pays for his misdeeds,
00:21:43.620 | who's never held accountable.
00:21:45.980 | Now, is that going to turn my child into a delinquent?
00:21:50.660 | I don't think so.
00:21:51.620 | But in that same time,
00:21:55.580 | where we're reading a negative example,
00:21:58.860 | that's just, oh, this is fun, this is harmless,
00:22:01.340 | I could be using a positive example.
00:22:04.340 | And instead of filling my child's mind
00:22:06.700 | with the idea of a naughty monkey,
00:22:09.620 | who's forever causing problems
00:22:11.560 | and getting away with his mischievousness,
00:22:17.300 | I could choose to do an example of kindness,
00:22:21.780 | of love, of people being obedient,
00:22:25.620 | of people behaving properly,
00:22:29.580 | because the examples that are held in front of us
00:22:33.060 | impact us to a very high degree.
00:22:35.820 | So think carefully about what you allow into your life
00:22:41.820 | and into your children's lives.
00:22:43.060 | So practically, that's an example
00:22:44.740 | of getting rid of the negative.
00:22:46.940 | Now, if negative comes in,
00:22:48.340 | I think you can mitigate the negative by talking about it,
00:22:50.660 | by discussing it.
00:22:52.340 | And this is something I think that we need to continually do.
00:22:55.340 | You will not be able to as a parent,
00:22:58.700 | nor necessarily should you always shelter your child
00:23:02.380 | from negative things.
00:23:05.820 | But what I think we need to do is when they come in,
00:23:09.480 | we need to think critically about them
00:23:12.260 | and learn how to engage with them in an appropriate way.
00:23:17.100 | Number of years ago,
00:23:17.980 | my children were playing with another boy,
00:23:19.720 | and this boy told them
00:23:22.140 | that if you did such a certain thing,
00:23:24.140 | I'll give you a piece of candy when you get to the car.
00:23:27.140 | And so my children happily complied.
00:23:29.260 | And then they got to the car
00:23:31.260 | and they asked him for the candy.
00:23:32.580 | And he said, "Oh, I don't have any candy."
00:23:34.780 | And the boy had blatantly lied to them
00:23:36.860 | and really hurt them.
00:23:38.860 | They didn't know that at that time,
00:23:40.660 | they were fairly well-protected.
00:23:41.980 | They didn't know that people lied.
00:23:43.020 | They didn't know that people would lie to them.
00:23:44.580 | And so it really hurt them.
00:23:46.140 | And of course they responded,
00:23:47.380 | "Well, I'm not gonna be your friend, et cetera."
00:23:48.860 | And so those are kind of examples are inevitable
00:23:51.580 | and they're important.
00:23:52.420 | Our children need to face conflict and problems, et cetera.
00:23:56.260 | But then they're an opportunity to say,
00:23:57.780 | "How do we respond?
00:23:59.020 | "What's the proper way?
00:24:00.140 | "And how can you understand things like this in the future?
00:24:02.680 | "How do you understand the real world?"
00:24:04.620 | I think one of the most valuable things you can do
00:24:08.980 | with young children is read them the kind of books
00:24:11.900 | that you read and you should be reading,
00:24:14.060 | especially as it relates to life skills.
00:24:16.880 | So whatever you think is necessary
00:24:19.920 | for the success of your children, read them that book.
00:24:23.080 | So I read my, right now, as an example,
00:24:26.460 | right now I'm reading my children,
00:24:27.380 | "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.
00:24:30.380 | That's a book that is appropriate for a 70-year-old man
00:24:34.700 | and a seven-year-old child, in my opinion,
00:24:37.080 | because it basically gives useful things to think about,
00:24:40.900 | useful principles of getting along with people,
00:24:43.700 | how to win friends and influence people.
00:24:46.020 | And what we do, what I do, is number one,
00:24:49.220 | I fill the house with books,
00:24:50.620 | and I try to make sure that those books
00:24:53.140 | are all quality books, that all have some benefits.
00:24:56.940 | Some of them are technical books,
00:24:58.140 | some of them are stories, et cetera,
00:24:59.660 | but they're all gonna have some significant purpose to it.
00:25:02.360 | So there's lots of books available
00:25:04.120 | that the child can read on their own.
00:25:07.100 | I also wanna make sure that I read to them.
00:25:10.540 | And so I do this in a couple different ways.
00:25:12.100 | Number one, at the breakfast table,
00:25:14.180 | I always read at the breakfast table,
00:25:15.820 | about 15 to 20 minutes,
00:25:17.340 | something that's going to be specifically helpful
00:25:19.580 | and instructional to my children.
00:25:21.700 | Most of the time, this is materials
00:25:23.820 | that are aimed towards children, parables,
00:25:25.980 | stories about so-and-so, and with a lesson,
00:25:28.180 | an important lesson of a character quality,
00:25:29.940 | et cetera, associated with it.
00:25:31.540 | Right now, I'm using that time to read an adult book,
00:25:34.260 | "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
00:25:36.260 | In time, I'll use it to read books
00:25:37.860 | on how to be a conversationalist,
00:25:39.660 | how to read, how to speak, how to listen,
00:25:41.860 | how to be a friend, how to handle money.
00:25:45.860 | And if you would be, I mean,
00:25:48.820 | I guess I shouldn't say you'd be amazed,
00:25:50.060 | but it's impressive how much adds up
00:25:52.940 | with 15 or 20 minutes of reading
00:25:54.580 | right at the breakfast table.
00:25:56.180 | And what I like about it is by having a focus
00:25:58.680 | at the start of the day, at the breakfast table,
00:26:00.740 | on one specific thing that we're focusing on,
00:26:03.020 | as a parent, that now gives me a tool
00:26:05.100 | to point out to my children
00:26:06.820 | some way that we're doing a great job on it,
00:26:09.980 | or some way that we're not doing a great job on it.
00:26:13.740 | So, you know, principle one
00:26:15.220 | on how to win friends and influence people,
00:26:16.540 | never criticize, condemn, or complain.
00:26:18.900 | And so we're working hard in our family
00:26:20.480 | on complaining at the moment.
00:26:21.780 | There's never a reason to complain about anything.
00:26:24.820 | Nobody wants to hear you complain.
00:26:26.660 | And yet it's hard to get that through to children
00:26:28.340 | without examples and whatnot.
00:26:30.740 | When I read to them chapter one
00:26:32.540 | of "How to Win Friends and Influence People,"
00:26:34.380 | then we had enough examples
00:26:35.880 | of showing how complaining,
00:26:36.820 | but now there's a more clear example.
00:26:40.620 | My children are starting to catch themselves.
00:26:41.820 | Oh, I was gonna complain.
00:26:43.140 | Well, there's no reason to complain.
00:26:44.420 | So there's never a point to complaining.
00:26:46.540 | So let's just move on.
00:26:47.940 | And it's great.
00:26:49.180 | Principle two, right?
00:26:50.060 | Give honest and sincere appreciation.
00:26:52.380 | And so by reading it over the course of several days,
00:26:56.460 | now I can remind, again,
00:26:57.740 | honest and sincere appreciation.
00:26:59.140 | Then I work to catch them.
00:27:00.060 | We do sticker charts in our household.
00:27:01.420 | So let me catch you appreciating somebody,
00:27:03.660 | selling someone, you know what?
00:27:05.300 | You know, brother or sister.
00:27:06.760 | I appreciate this about you.
00:27:08.360 | I appreciate you for this.
00:27:09.640 | I appreciate this.
00:27:11.200 | And getting them in the habit
00:27:12.620 | of expressing appreciation to other people.
00:27:15.300 | And if you can instill that habit when a child is young,
00:27:17.560 | it just becomes a part of who they are.
00:27:18.900 | They're accustomed to expressing honest
00:27:21.700 | and sincere appreciation of other people.
00:27:24.300 | And of course the principles go on.
00:27:26.860 | So I would encourage you,
00:27:28.100 | as I wind down today's episode,
00:27:33.200 | these things that we're talking about,
00:27:35.960 | if you do them, as I want to say,
00:27:39.600 | if you do them,
00:27:41.480 | you'll often save yourself the money on the backside
00:27:45.000 | to have to pay someone else
00:27:46.080 | to try to make up for what you didn't do.
00:27:48.260 | So financially, for example,
00:27:51.740 | I have the blessing that when I sit down
00:27:54.000 | at the breakfast table,
00:27:55.540 | I can sit down, we have breakfast,
00:27:57.400 | I can read for 20 minutes.
00:27:58.680 | It's a leisurely thing.
00:27:59.520 | And then I go to work.
00:28:00.820 | But you can do that too.
00:28:02.760 | Maybe for you, that's what financial independence means.
00:28:05.360 | It means adjusting your work schedule
00:28:07.300 | so that you can have breakfast with your children
00:28:08.880 | and dinner with your children every day.
00:28:11.120 | Maybe it means changing to a business so you can do it.
00:28:12.860 | Maybe it means you cut back your hours
00:28:15.080 | so that you have more of that time available
00:28:16.760 | during those important years of parenting
00:28:18.560 | and plan to make it up later with hours.
00:28:20.680 | Think about it.
00:28:21.820 | But if you can spend 20 minutes a day
00:28:24.840 | of specific focused instruction on the moral character,
00:28:29.480 | the operating system, the personal philosophy
00:28:32.720 | of your children,
00:28:33.920 | that makes all the difference in the world.
00:28:37.600 | And I would encourage you,
00:28:39.120 | go out and look for the books
00:28:41.560 | that make the difference for you.
00:28:43.480 | Look for the books that are gonna help you
00:28:45.560 | to do this effectively.
00:28:46.980 | Maybe in the days to come,
00:28:48.780 | I can do something like a YouTube video
00:28:50.200 | and share with you some of the books
00:28:51.280 | that have been useful in our family
00:28:52.760 | and then solicit your recommendations,
00:28:54.320 | things that have been useful to you in your family.
00:28:57.600 | But go out and look for them, buy them.
00:28:59.680 | Start reading them to your children.
00:29:01.920 | Read to them in the morning, read to them at night.
00:29:04.560 | And what you'll find is that that will help you.
00:29:07.640 | The best way to learn something effectively for yourself
00:29:09.960 | is to teach someone else.
00:29:11.720 | So if there's something that you wanna get better at,
00:29:14.080 | get a book on it and start reading it to your children
00:29:16.640 | because now you'll have the motivation
00:29:18.460 | to get better together.
00:29:21.080 | And don't be scared of older books,
00:29:23.360 | meaning books that are aimed at older children.
00:29:26.240 | Again, I'm reading currently
00:29:28.160 | "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
00:29:29.680 | to a six-year-old, a four-year-old,
00:29:31.400 | a three-year-old, and a one-year-old.
00:29:34.360 | Now, a one-year-old will give him a pass, right?
00:29:36.680 | But on the other hand, the others,
00:29:38.640 | they absorb some of it.
00:29:41.720 | And what I like about also reading adult-level books,
00:29:44.560 | and I don't recommend nor do I exclusively
00:29:47.320 | read adult-level books.
00:29:48.240 | I like to read children's books
00:29:49.540 | because I don't want my children to be so lost
00:29:52.360 | that they don't understand and then they just tune out.
00:29:54.640 | And so I read lots of stories and children's stories.
00:29:57.380 | But I think it's important to even read adult-level books
00:29:59.200 | to your children so they understand there's more.
00:30:01.080 | And it helps with their vocabulary development.
00:30:03.040 | And they'll ask you questions about,
00:30:04.360 | oh, this word and that word, et cetera.
00:30:05.920 | And it helps them to think and see things
00:30:07.720 | from a mature perspective, even from a young age.
00:30:10.420 | So don't be shy about
00:30:14.320 | reading adult-level books to your children.
00:30:18.920 | It's worth it and it can really help.
00:30:21.240 | Read to your children, instruct your children,
00:30:24.440 | engage with them, and install a philosophy
00:30:27.200 | that will lead to success in their heads.
00:30:29.440 | Don't teach them to be victims.
00:30:31.200 | Teach them to be victors.
00:30:32.680 | Think through carefully what a philosophy
00:30:35.240 | that will lead to success is, what it looks like,
00:30:38.240 | and then get engaged and teach that to your children
00:30:40.440 | and you'll set them apart in life
00:30:42.300 | in a really powerful and profound way.
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