My Girlfriend Is Pregnant — What Do I Do Next?

00:00:00.000 | On Wednesday, Pastor John, you answered the question over whether or not a premarital

00:00:08.800 | pregnancy nullifies the unequally yoked prohibition of a believer marrying an unbeliever if they

00:00:16.080 | have a child together.

00:00:17.800 | Today the scenario changes.

00:00:19.380 | Today we talk about a pregnancy between two professing believers who sinned together.

00:00:24.120 | The question comes to us from William.

00:00:26.040 | Hello, Pastor John, I became a Christian about two years ago, even though I grew up in a

00:00:31.000 | Christian household.

00:00:32.840 | I am now greatly troubled to admit that I had sex with my girlfriend who I met at church

00:00:37.860 | a few months ago.

00:00:39.140 | We are devastated at the sin that we have committed together, despite the times we said

00:00:45.560 | we would not do it.

00:00:47.440 | Now I fear my girlfriend is pregnant.

00:00:49.960 | I have frantically listened to every podcast about abortion, and I'm such a hypocrite to

00:00:55.480 | let my mind even entertain this as an option, when for years I declared that I never would.

00:01:03.000 | But here I am, scared.

00:01:06.740 | If it is true and my girlfriend is pregnant, what do we do?

00:01:10.400 | How have you counseled couples who are broken and fearful and find themselves in our situation?

00:01:16.960 | William, I don't know your age.

00:01:20.720 | I don't know your maturity or spiritual condition or your parents or your church.

00:01:29.120 | So all of my counsel here will have to be general, and the best I can do, not knowing

00:01:38.880 | your situation more closely.

00:01:41.700 | We are going to get to the point where I'm going to say, "Don't lean only on my counsel.

00:01:49.440 | Go to your pastor."

00:01:51.800 | But let's get there.

00:01:53.280 | It seems to me that you are genuinely contrite, and since the magnitude of the sin and the

00:02:00.480 | heartache that you have caused is huge and may even get worse, yes, let me begin with

00:02:09.600 | a few encouraging things first.

00:02:13.040 | The fact that you, as the man in this couple, have written to me and you didn't dump that

00:02:22.320 | responsibility onto your girlfriend is a good sign.

00:02:27.040 | You have taken responsibility and initiative, and that's good.

00:02:32.680 | And I'll come back to that in just a minute, because your manhood is a huge issue right

00:02:37.800 | now and what you make of it.

00:02:41.080 | "Do not entertain any thoughts that you have sinned your way out of Christ or out of heaven."

00:02:51.000 | Those would be thoughts of the devil and his accusation.

00:02:55.560 | If you confess your sins and humble yourself before Christ as your Lord and Savior and

00:03:02.280 | treasure, you will be forgiven, and you will be given strength to do what is right in this

00:03:11.320 | situation.

00:03:12.480 | Your life may be very troubled short-term or even long-term because of this sin, but

00:03:20.480 | God will turn all those troubles for your sanctification if you will trust Him and turn

00:03:28.760 | from sin and devote yourself utterly to Jesus.

00:03:33.240 | So here's what I would recommend.

00:03:35.440 | And yes, I have spoken to others in your situation and told them these very things.

00:03:41.640 | First, you, you, William, are a man.

00:03:48.160 | That means that you bear a peculiar and primary responsibility for leadership in this relationship.

00:03:56.640 | That means that your sexual sin is aggravated by your failure to steward this leadership.

00:04:04.880 | I'm not at all denying that your girlfriend bears responsibility and complicity in the

00:04:09.880 | sin.

00:04:10.880 | She should have said no and kicked you out.

00:04:13.560 | But I am saying that the man, the man, you, bears a greater responsibility and is charged

00:04:25.000 | by God to protect and care for and lead.

00:04:30.160 | So even if she did in some way lure you into this, that's irrelevant when it comes to your

00:04:38.920 | unique God-given responsibility as the man in this relationship.

00:04:45.840 | So now that you have misused that calling as a man, you have failed to steward that

00:04:56.640 | special responsibility, you have a chance in this terrible situation to redeem at least

00:05:04.360 | your role as a courageous, initiative-taking, humble leader in doing what is right, which

00:05:12.400 | will be very difficult.

00:05:15.240 | Believe me, the temptation will be to do just the opposite.

00:05:19.240 | It will be blame-shifting, self-pity, fear, pouting, moodiness, withdrawal.

00:05:28.200 | That's what men fall prey to, and they abandon their manhood and they abandon the path of

00:05:33.920 | Jesus when they do that.

00:05:36.080 | These are all failures of Christian manhood.

00:05:40.640 | Don't go there.

00:05:41.920 | Take the initiative in doing the right thing.

00:05:45.560 | Now that means first that you are the one who will say, "We will not kill this baby,

00:05:53.800 | period.

00:05:55.160 | We brought this baby unlawfully into the world, and we will not add to the unlawfulness of

00:06:02.940 | our creation the unlawfulness of its destruction.

00:06:07.040 | No, we won't."

00:06:08.760 | Take the lead, be courageous for the cause of justice and mercy and life.

00:06:16.960 | Next, leadership here means leadership in repentance, setting the tone for not minimizing

00:06:26.320 | the sin and taking the lead to go to both sets of parents.

00:06:33.560 | I am saying this, going to both sets of parents, confessing your sins, and then go to your

00:06:41.960 | pastor and confess your sin.

00:06:45.840 | Because membership in a local church implies a lifestyle that is exemplary, which this

00:06:51.200 | isn't, confessing to her parents will probably be the hardest thing.

00:06:56.840 | In some settings, it could cost you your life.

00:06:59.240 | I'm not kidding.

00:07:00.560 | In some cultures, it would cost you your life to do this.

00:07:02.800 | It's the right thing to do.

00:07:04.880 | This is where you man up.

00:07:06.960 | You call her father on the telephone, and you tell him you need to talk to him face-to-face

00:07:12.120 | soon.

00:07:14.560 | You meet with him, and you look him in the eye, and you confess, "I failed to protect

00:07:20.400 | your daughter.

00:07:21.400 | I don't care if she took the initiative or somehow lured you into this."

00:07:25.480 | You tell him you failed to protect his daughter, and you inform him of the situation, and you

00:07:33.520 | take responsibility, and you don't make her the culprit.

00:07:38.520 | And you do the same with your parents.

00:07:41.520 | You own your sin.

00:07:42.800 | You do what is right.

00:07:44.720 | This is your mission.

00:07:48.880 | Then you become a listener, because you're going to get clobbered big time by parents,

00:07:56.840 | probably.

00:07:57.840 | Maybe not.

00:07:58.840 | I don't know.

00:07:59.840 | Don't know anything about them.

00:08:01.440 | Don't know if they're believers.

00:08:03.280 | You need to become a listener, not just to me as a distant counselor who knows very little

00:08:10.040 | about the situation or about you or your girlfriend, but a listener to her parents and your parents

00:08:16.280 | and your pastor.

00:08:18.000 | If parents are unbelievers and want you to get an abortion, you tell them in all meekness

00:08:25.760 | and strength that you don't support that, and as much as you have any say in it, you

00:08:31.360 | won't go there.

00:08:33.800 | And you give them your best biblical explanation.

00:08:37.360 | And hopefully when the shock and the initial anger eases, everyone will be able to put

00:08:44.080 | their heads together and think through a more just and merciful and hopeful future.

00:08:50.960 | And another thing that your leadership implies is the realization that your girlfriend will

00:08:57.220 | bear the greater weight immediately and practically for this sin, because she must carry this

00:09:02.400 | baby now, give birth to the baby, sustain the baby in those early months, and this will

00:09:09.000 | be a huge alteration in her life.

00:09:13.400 | This is why we have so many abortions, because mothers and fathers put their own plans ahead

00:09:18.360 | of the life of the child.

00:09:20.520 | As a mature Christian, a man, you will realize your girlfriend's heavy load in all this,

00:09:29.920 | and you will do everything in your power to lighten her load.

00:09:36.320 | And killing children doesn't lighten her load.

00:09:39.600 | It doesn't.

00:09:41.600 | And you will help her through this because you are the one who bear most responsibility

00:09:48.520 | for it as a man who didn't own up to your peculiar responsibilities.

00:09:56.480 | With regard to the possibility of marrying each other, I would say don't go there just

00:10:03.600 | for the baby's sake.

00:10:05.720 | I don't know enough about you and your girlfriend to know whether marriage is advisable or not.

00:10:11.560 | You've only known each other two months, at least when you wrote that question, that was

00:10:15.680 | the case.

00:10:17.920 | That's not enough to go on.

00:10:20.560 | You need time to know each other and whether a lifetime commitment would be advisable.

00:10:27.480 | If it turns out that marriage is advisable and your parents approve, that would probably

00:10:32.920 | be the best outcome.

00:10:35.320 | But in any case, don't despair because you don't know what the future holds.

00:10:42.320 | God calls you to faithful, obedient decisions right now.

00:10:45.720 | He does not assume that you can foresee all the consequences of those choices.

00:10:51.000 | That's his great work.

00:10:52.280 | He works everything together for good for those who love God, even when we can't imagine

00:10:56.820 | how that could be.

00:10:58.700 | So what I'm calling you to, William, is dig down deep into the resources of Scripture

00:11:04.760 | and the Holy Spirit and faith and do the kinds of things that God especially calls a man

00:11:13.440 | to do in a crisis like this.

00:11:17.360 | This will be the hardest season of your life, so far at least.

00:11:22.760 | It will be a huge test of your faith and your manhood, and you will discover that Jesus

00:11:30.040 | is a great Savior and a great friend and a sufficient counselor.

00:11:35.600 | Amen.

00:11:36.600 | Very good.

00:11:37.600 | Thank you, Pastor John, for that counsel.

00:11:40.400 | And William, thanks for your willingness to send in such a personal question, putting

00:11:44.840 | yourself forward willingly to help so many others out there who are asking that same

00:11:49.760 | question or who will ask that same question in the future.

00:11:53.960 | May the Lord use this episode to reach those couples.

00:11:56.800 | Thank you for listening to the podcast.

00:11:58.800 | Remember at our online home, you can explore about 1,300 past episodes, scan a list of

00:12:03.080 | our most popular ones, and read full transcripts.

00:12:05.200 | Even send us a question of your own, go to DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.

00:12:11.840 | Well if saving faith means treasuring Christ above all things, how do I know I was really

00:12:17.360 | saved when I think I was saved?

00:12:20.200 | We get this question quite a lot in the inbox.

00:12:22.400 | It's a great question.

00:12:23.400 | It's coming up on Monday.

00:12:24.400 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke, and we'll see you on the other side of the weekend.

00:12:28.080 | Bye.

00:12:28.580 | [END]

00:12:30.580 | 1

00:12:31.580 | Desiring God.org

00:12:32.580 | Page 1 of 8

00:12:33.080 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

My Girlfriend Is Pregnant — What Do I Do Next?

Chapters