What Does Good Parenting Entail? | Dr. Becky Kennedy & Dr. Andrew Huberman
00:00:00.000 | I'd like to start off by just asking for all of us, are there some simple or perhaps not
00:00:08.900 | so simple questions that we can reflect on that give us a sense of, you know, how good
00:00:15.080 | a parent we are or would be based on, I don't know, our previous parent-child relationships,
00:00:22.640 | our relationship to self, you know, like what kind of things come to bear when we think
00:00:27.600 | about really healthy relationships?
00:00:30.440 | I can, you know, start rattling off a list of what I imagine they could be.
00:00:35.280 | But what are your thoughts?
00:00:36.280 | Like, what are the – what's the parameter space, as we say?
00:00:39.800 | How should we think about relationships besides just, oh, you know, I either like this person
00:00:43.640 | or don't, or I feel good around them or I don't, or separating how I feel about them
00:00:47.560 | versus how they make me feel, you know, maybe we can drill a little deeper below the kind
00:00:53.200 | of more superficial stuff that we often see out there.
00:00:56.560 | The first thing that comes to mind when you say that is this word "sturdiness."
00:01:00.480 | And to me, when someone says like what is good inside is an approach, and that's always
00:01:03.920 | the first word that comes to mind.
00:01:05.520 | And I know that's like an odd word.
00:01:06.520 | It's not a word we like use a lot, although I do think most people when you say that person's
00:01:09.560 | like a really sturdy person, I think we all have some connotation or feeling at least
00:01:13.320 | of what that means.
00:01:14.320 | And I use it a lot, being a sturdy parent, being a sturdy leader.
00:01:17.280 | I talk a lot about the similarities to parenting and kind of being a pilot of a plane.
00:01:22.480 | And that word "sturdy" always comes up.
00:01:24.080 | And so I remember a little while ago, someone pushed me, they're like, what's your definition
00:01:26.840 | of what that means?
00:01:27.840 | And at that point, I thought, wow, I should probably have a definition given I use it
00:01:31.160 | a lot.
00:01:32.160 | But what I think it really means is an ability to be connected to yourself and to someone
00:01:37.700 | else at the same time.
00:01:39.720 | And I think that is really the definition of sturdy leadership.
00:01:43.160 | And that is the key thing that's present in a healthy relationship, that at once I kind
00:01:48.840 | of know my values, what I want, what I need.
00:01:52.120 | I feel like I can be true to that.
00:01:55.080 | And at the same time, I can kind of connect to someone else who probably has different
00:02:00.840 | wants and needs and maybe even slightly different values at the same time.
00:02:04.360 | And the thing that that leads me to next is what I think about is like family jobs and
00:02:10.560 | a parent's job.
00:02:12.720 | So in almost any other place, you could assume if I'm getting a new job at this company,
00:02:19.560 | like there's just no way I could do my job well if I don't know what my job is, right?
00:02:24.800 | If you go to your desk and your boss is like, have a good day, do a good job, and there's
00:02:27.840 | no job description, you'd be like, I think that's impossible.
00:02:31.340 | But over and over with parents, if I say to them, well, what is your job with your kid?
00:02:36.080 | Or when your kid is having a tantrum or they hit or they're rude or they lie to your face
00:02:39.200 | or anything, what is your job in that moment?
00:02:42.200 | Most people, very well-intentioned, educated people who would never, ever take a job if
00:02:46.640 | they didn't have a job description, they look at me like, I have no idea.
00:02:51.720 | So how can we do it well?
00:02:53.100 | How can we then perform it to a place to get to the outcomes we want if you don't have
00:02:56.640 | the foundation of what your job is?
00:02:58.400 | And to me, I've thought a lot about it.
00:03:00.160 | I think parents actually have two jobs, and it relates to sturdiness, so you'll connect
00:03:04.240 | it where one of our jobs is boundaries.
00:03:09.360 | And to me, boundaries are things we tell people we will do, and they require the other person
00:03:16.840 | to do nothing.
00:03:17.840 | And that's really important, because a lot of times we think we're setting a boundary
00:03:22.760 | when actually we're making a request.
00:03:25.040 | And boundaries keep us connected to ourselves.
00:03:28.040 | They represent our values and our wants and our needs.
00:03:31.800 | And in a parent-child relationship, they also keep our kids safe.
00:03:35.200 | I just know, in a simple way, my kids watched enough TV today, and they really have to get
00:03:39.920 | to bed.
00:03:40.920 | And I know that.
00:03:41.920 | I don't want them to stay up late.
00:03:43.400 | I kind of know what my family needs.
00:03:45.640 | I have to set a boundary.
00:03:47.640 | But the other part of my job is empathy and validation, which is a way of connecting to
00:03:53.020 | someone else, where you see someone else's feelings and experience as real.
00:03:58.460 | You don't agree with it, probably.
00:04:00.920 | You don't necessarily condone the behavior that's the representation of the feelings.
00:04:07.080 | But the feelings themselves, you need to connect to.
00:04:10.160 | And I feel like those are our two jobs as parents.
00:04:12.120 | And that's really the way to be a sturdy leader and to be in a sturdy, healthy relationship
00:04:16.520 | with your kids.
00:04:17.520 | Wow.
00:04:18.520 | So much there.
00:04:20.520 | And I love it.
00:04:21.680 | And here's one of the reasons I love it.
00:04:24.080 | This notion of sturdiness, something that I don't think we hear enough about.
00:04:29.240 | We hear about resilience, grit, also important terms.
00:04:34.600 | But sturdiness, as you've described it in the job of parenting, really seems to include
00:04:42.760 | a lot of verbs, not just nouns and adjectives.
00:04:47.240 | And I'm a huge fan of verbs because biology and to some extent psychology, yes, also psychology,
00:04:53.960 | is all about verbs.
00:04:55.360 | And so the labels often are mysterious.
00:04:59.040 | But sturdiness just sends a clear message of something that doesn't budge easily.
00:05:05.840 | But then as you describe the job of being a parent, having boundaries, and I'd like
00:05:09.360 | to drill into that a little bit more, how you view boundaries.
00:05:12.440 | But also empathy, it's not a walled off picture.
00:05:17.280 | It's one that is semi-permeable.
00:05:18.520 | Also, and I confess I'm a bit obsessed with old school psychoanalytic theory, not as the
00:05:27.420 | be-all end-all of psychology, but it also suggests this other relationship.
00:05:34.600 | Like I'm a person, I have a self, you're a person, you have a self.
00:05:38.000 | This is the opposite of codependency, where obviously dependency and two people being
00:05:42.880 | "codependent" can be healthy in the context of relying on one another.
00:05:47.160 | But as I understand it, when one person has a self and another person doesn't have a
00:05:51.520 | self or this notion of merging, not just in romantic relationships, but child-parent relationships,
00:05:57.840 | you know, I'm best friends with my mom or dad.
00:06:00.480 | Is that a good thing?
00:06:01.480 | I don't know.
00:06:02.480 | But this notion of other-other relationships, it's like I'm a self, you're a self, and
00:06:06.960 | we each see each other as another.
00:06:09.720 | Anyway, I think there's so much to explore here, so valuable.
00:06:14.600 | Thank you for tuning in to the Huberman Lab Clips channel.
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