back to indexSession 2: Deeper Discipleship: Counseling the Bitter
00:00:00.000 |
And so today what our goal is, and I'm actually, the way I'm going to approach this is I want 00:00:12.320 |
I want you to see, or hear at least, what I do when I counsel people that are struggling 00:00:19.380 |
in these particular areas because you need to come away from this conference with tools 00:00:24.500 |
in an effort to not only counsel your own heart, but in an effort to come alongside 00:00:33.880 |
I always use case studies, so we'll start with a case study. 00:00:37.460 |
And my case studies aren't really one person. 00:00:40.220 |
It's really kind of a combination of people, but you kind of make it into one case study, 00:00:46.580 |
So that you can kind of identify with who I'm talking about because again, scripture 00:00:54.500 |
Many many many people in the body of Christ struggle with bitterness. 00:01:03.620 |
So anyway, I hope this will just kind of facilitate some good discussion in your groups later. 00:01:07.420 |
I noticed on your schedule that you have to listen to two talks before you get into your 00:01:13.700 |
And so you've got lots of questions to go through, and obviously you probably won't 00:01:17.660 |
get through them all, but at least it will just kind of facilitate this good interaction 00:01:23.980 |
that I love so much in an effort to help you apply. 00:01:30.520 |
By way of introduction, I'll talk a little bit about Polly. 00:01:38.860 |
When she came to me for help, she needed some counsel because she explained that her husband, 00:01:45.600 |
who is an unbeliever, so you know, difficult marriage to begin with, she's married to an 00:01:49.960 |
unbeliever, had become very self-destructive in his life. 00:01:56.480 |
Most of that was due to the fact that he was really enslaved to alcohol, and this was starting 00:02:02.360 |
He was able to hide it for a while, but of course anybody that's enslaved to alcohol, 00:02:09.560 |
And so it had an impact in his life, in his marriage, at his workplace, and all of the 00:02:17.400 |
And so over time, it became evident that when Polly came to me for help, what was really 00:02:24.420 |
going on, what is kind of a common thing that women will do, is they look for a way of escape. 00:02:31.720 |
Do you think she really wanted help for her bitterness, or do you think she wanted help 00:02:43.760 |
She wondered if I could give her counsel on how to get out of this marriage. 00:02:49.680 |
And so in the process of meeting with this dear soul, who was really hurting, you know, 00:02:54.640 |
I mean, sure, she's struggling with bitterness, no doubt, but she's also a sufferer, right? 00:03:01.000 |
And so you've got to have compassion for people like that. 00:03:04.320 |
And in an effort to just kind of minister to her soul, I just said, "Hey, you know, 00:03:12.880 |
Let's just meet for a while, and let's just explore what God's Word has to say. 00:03:17.720 |
And let's just allow the Spirit to do a work, and allow me to be sort of your stretcher 00:03:22.880 |
bearer, you know, someone who comes alongside and just really encourages you to that end." 00:03:28.360 |
And so that's kind of how we started our relationship. 00:03:31.560 |
I was not going to give her any kind of indication that she could get out of this marriage, you 00:03:39.360 |
She needed to try to, you know, just endure if she could. 00:03:43.440 |
It's difficult when a person, especially a believer, I would say, finds herself bitter. 00:03:53.920 |
It points out that bitterness just has the potential to cause so much trouble in our 00:04:00.520 |
lives, and not only in our lives, but in the lives of people around us. 00:04:06.400 |
You know, when you think about it, I mean, just think of a bitter person right now that 00:04:10.960 |
Just think of how much trouble their life is, because it's just so heart deep. 00:04:17.000 |
And it has the potential, when we're bitter, to defile so many. 00:04:22.320 |
And so you can imagine that when someone is stuck in bitterness, the consequences of that. 00:04:27.720 |
I know of churches that have divided over this issue of bitterness. 00:04:33.560 |
Of course, I know of marriages that have dissolved. 00:04:36.080 |
I know of friendships that have been broken, all because of this bitterness issue that 00:04:42.520 |
they struggle with, and the lack of forgiveness that ensues. 00:04:48.400 |
This is such a common thing amongst roommates in dorms, you know, when they get on the wrong 00:04:55.040 |
So again, it just causes so much trouble in a person's life. 00:04:59.400 |
And so I kind of have a four-fold goal that I'm going to go over with you this morning, 00:05:03.760 |
a way that I would approach this in counseling. 00:05:15.240 |
And I've used extra biblical resources to define that, because the three people that 00:05:20.800 |
I've quoted on your outline are people that I trust, people that love God's Word, and 00:05:27.320 |
And it kind of just gives you a picture of what it is. 00:05:31.040 |
And then we're going to examine some evidences of bitterness in a person's life. 00:05:36.400 |
Bitterness, the way that we would describe it as counselors is you've got behaviors and 00:05:41.560 |
actions, and we call that the above-ground fruit, what I see in your life, what is coming 00:05:48.080 |
And then we've got what's driving the behavior. 00:05:53.340 |
And so we'll look at the evidences of bitterness, how I know that you're struggling that way, 00:05:58.640 |
and then we'll look at the heart behind it, what you really need to be repenting of. 00:06:03.280 |
Bitterness is a behavior or an attitude, but what is causing that? 00:06:11.680 |
That's the difference between biblical counseling and psychology. 00:06:16.800 |
We really need to look at a soul level as to what is driving some of these issues in 00:06:30.560 |
And so at the soul level, what's happening there? 00:06:33.680 |
And then finally, we'll just kind of look at some biblical and practical steps, things 00:06:36.840 |
that I would do as a friend to someone that's struggling. 00:06:41.000 |
How would I practically walk her through the scriptures? 00:06:53.080 |
We actually know from the book of Romans that we who know the Lord, we can come alongside 00:06:59.360 |
This isn't just for someone like me that has a lot of degrees in counseling and all of 00:07:04.920 |
This is actually something that all believers can do in the body of Christ. 00:07:08.440 |
So let's begin with that definition, or a few definitions, really. 00:07:15.800 |
So on your outline there, the first one that you have that defines bitterness is actually 00:07:23.000 |
He's a wonderful biblical counselor and Christian, and he's done a lot of work in this area. 00:07:28.640 |
And he says that bitterness is a perpetual, intense hostility and resentment that leads 00:07:37.600 |
to harsh treatment and unloving opinion of others. 00:07:49.800 |
It's a resentment, and from that leads to a certain kind of action in a person. 00:07:56.080 |
The second definition is another biblical counselor, a friend out in St. Louis. 00:08:01.640 |
She's written lots of articles about this topic, and she says that bitterness is unresolved, 00:08:13.280 |
It is the result of anger changing from an experience to a belief, and bitterness is 00:08:21.960 |
Bitter people carry the same burdens as angry people, but to a much greater extent. 00:08:26.800 |
And I think she says that because bitterness is an attitude. 00:08:30.080 |
You know, it's something that we're thinking upon. 00:08:32.720 |
But again, she's kind of majoring on the fact that it's a resentment. 00:08:39.960 |
We now believe, we feel justified in our bitterness, which people often do. 00:08:45.560 |
And then the third one, Lou Priolo, he authored a book. 00:08:49.480 |
It's going to be in the resources at the end of our talk, a booklet really that's called 00:08:56.720 |
And interestingly, I think it's an excerpt out of a bigger work that he did when someone 00:09:01.440 |
breaks up in a dating relationship, How Not to Grow Bitter. 00:09:05.800 |
But nonetheless, it's just a great little pamphlet that you could take anybody through 00:09:11.680 |
that just helps you to think about it biblically. 00:09:14.720 |
And he says that bitterness is a resentful, unforgiving attitude which cuts and pricks 00:09:22.480 |
To put it another way, bitterness is the result of responding improperly or unbiblically to 00:09:31.020 |
And bitterness is also the result of dwelling too long on a hurt. 00:09:39.720 |
Well, from these definitions, it isn't too hard to see. 00:09:46.500 |
It begins to take root in our hearts when first, we've been hurt in some way. 00:09:52.720 |
So just kind of think about how it all gets started. 00:10:10.360 |
And then, you know, you don't deal with it biblically. 00:10:13.060 |
You either don't go to the person to let them know that they've offended you or you don't 00:10:18.980 |
choose to forgive them from the heart and you just continue to kind of keep a list of 00:10:26.040 |
And so that can obviously lend itself to a lot of harsh treatment of others as a result. 00:10:31.760 |
Now, I know that you're thinking, "Well, I'm a Christian. 00:10:35.220 |
And I know intellectually and I know biblically that when I'm offended or sinned against by 00:10:39.680 |
someone that I'm called by Christ to handle it, but biblically." 00:10:48.000 |
And when we say biblically, what that means is that I am saying that I'm resolved to ultimately 00:10:57.680 |
And instead, for love's sake, kind of release that offender from his obligation to suffer 00:11:06.660 |
And that's kind of what we would call attitudinal forgiveness. 00:11:10.680 |
But even though we know this biblically, and even though that we know because of Christ 00:11:14.760 |
we have the capacity to forgive and even trust Christ for the outcome, too often we don't 00:11:25.360 |
And instead, we keep that record of wrong and we kind of grow anxious over it. 00:11:32.480 |
I'd like to say the battle starts in the mind. 00:11:34.720 |
Because when you start thinking unbiblically about something, you know, eventually the 00:11:40.000 |
seeds of that begin to take root in the heart and it sprouts all kinds of bad fruit like 00:11:48.440 |
And again, you know, it has the potential to destroy marriages, to destroy friendships. 00:11:54.040 |
Let me just ask you, just to kind of get you involved a little bit, how many of you know 00:11:57.600 |
friendships that have suffered because of bitterness? 00:12:09.600 |
I mean, it's really, really something that's important to talk about. 00:12:13.400 |
And so there are just going to be so many women that will need your love and your care 00:12:19.560 |
So in Polly's case, kind of getting back to our gal now, really what was happening with 00:12:25.720 |
her, she kind of just had certain desires and expectations of her husband when they 00:12:33.480 |
And when those desires were unmet, these expectations that she had when they were unmet, she began 00:12:41.360 |
to retaliate towards her husband in a particular way. 00:12:48.640 |
And so when she began to retaliate, she just started to believe that what was happening 00:12:53.200 |
to her was unfair and unjust because he had claimed he was a Christian, apparently, when 00:13:04.520 |
And so she began to believe that her bitterness was justified because he, in a sense, defrauded 00:13:12.960 |
And of course, it's a difficult situation and it can feel unjust, but it doesn't give 00:13:17.760 |
you justification, right, to grow bitter against somebody. 00:13:23.000 |
And so when she came to me for counsel, it just really kind of gave me an opportunity 00:13:37.280 |
I take some notes and then I can kind of begin to open up scriptures and to help her to understand. 00:13:45.520 |
But, you know, even though this is happening, you didn't learn Christ this way. 00:13:50.920 |
Christ doesn't teach us to grow bitter against people just because you're not getting what 00:14:01.080 |
And so that's what I'll invite you to do now. 00:14:18.520 |
Of course, he's under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. 00:14:26.080 |
And when you get to Ephesians 41, beginning in 31, he says, really the last two verses 00:14:33.520 |
of this chapter, he says, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander 00:14:47.720 |
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has 00:14:58.060 |
One thing that I do when I meet with someone and I'm taking them to the Word, I actually 00:15:03.380 |
You know, I'll say, "Hey, let's look at Scripture and just go ahead and go to Ephesians 00:15:06.680 |
4 and why don't you read out loud verses 31 to 32?" 00:15:10.280 |
And the reason why I do that is because I firmly believe in a sufficient Word and the 00:15:15.880 |
And so I know that the Holy Spirit is going to use that to convict their heart. 00:15:19.640 |
So I have a really firm conviction that way and you ought to as well. 00:15:24.160 |
You don't have to, you're not the Holy Spirit, you know, you're not going to make people 00:15:35.800 |
And so Polly did read it and I just reminded her of a few important things after she finished 00:15:41.760 |
I reminded her that this is an exhortation for believers, you know, and Polly said she 00:15:49.720 |
And this is part of the section in Ephesians, if you're familiar with the letter, that is 00:15:55.200 |
part of our responsibility as believers to one another. 00:16:00.000 |
You know, if you've spent any time here, maybe your pastor has preached through the book 00:16:04.920 |
of Ephesians, but you know, in this section, Paul is exhorting believers to put away or 00:16:12.440 |
abandon all of the different sins that are mentioned in here. 00:16:16.800 |
Even if you go back to verse 1 of Ephesians 4, if you look there, that very first word, 00:16:23.440 |
typically in most, well if you have the ESV translation, I think it says "I therefore" 00:16:28.200 |
or if you have NASV, it says "therefore I," it just kind of reverses the words. 00:16:36.760 |
And the "therefore" is there because Paul is basing his exhortation in this section 00:16:42.580 |
of Ephesians on all of the doctrine that he's just taught in Ephesians 1 to 3. 00:16:51.800 |
It's as if he is saying, "Beloved, you know, here is what your Savior's done for you." 00:16:59.120 |
It talks about all the things that God has done for us in terms of salvation. 00:17:06.680 |
So in light of this great salvation that's been bestowed upon you because of God's great 00:17:11.080 |
mercy and great love, you ought to live like the new creature that you are. 00:17:19.480 |
He's trying to show us positionally we're in Christ and so we have this capacity to 00:17:26.360 |
I mean, after all, don't we believe that we're no longer dead in our trespasses and 00:17:33.400 |
And we believe that because we know that it's only because of God's mercy. 00:17:38.460 |
We know, we just celebrated the resurrection, that we're believers are also alive in Christ. 00:17:44.200 |
We're not dead in our sin, we're alive in Christ. 00:17:46.600 |
We're dead to sin, but we're alive to walk in a new life. 00:17:51.160 |
And so Paul is just saying, in light of all those things, I'm beseeching you now, I am 00:17:55.240 |
exhorting you now, I am encouraging you heartily now to walk in a manner worthy of your calling. 00:18:02.960 |
And if you read through the whole chapter of chapter four, you're going to learn that 00:18:10.000 |
He wants you to be, he's calling us to be humble. 00:18:17.160 |
He's calling us to love, to have unity, to be eager to maintain unity in the body of 00:18:28.880 |
And of course, here in our little two verses, he's calling us really to be forgiving. 00:18:35.440 |
And so bitterness, though, and all of those other things he describes, all of those other 00:18:39.520 |
attitudes and actions of anger, those things were to put away, you know, because it's connected 00:18:47.440 |
with your old man, that old self before Christ. 00:18:51.680 |
Because again, as believers, we're new creations. 00:19:00.440 |
It needs to reflect Christ in you, the hope of glory. 00:19:04.920 |
And bitterness is not a part of that character, okay? 00:19:09.000 |
So just kind of thinking through that a little bit. 00:19:12.280 |
In the original language, if you were to kind of look at that word when it was written in 00:19:17.600 |
its heart language, if you will, the word that Paul uses for bitterness is "procreia." 00:19:23.840 |
And it just means that when a person is bitter, what's happening there is they have this resentful 00:19:33.440 |
There's an unsettled hostility, and it's beginning to poison the inner man or the inner woman. 00:19:42.080 |
If you were to kind of literally translate what he is saying there, he's saying literally 00:19:46.920 |
that all manner of bitterness and violent outbreaks of wrath and anger and brawling 00:19:52.240 |
and slanderous speech needs to be put away from you together with all manner of malice. 00:19:58.160 |
And so the idea is for us as believers to abandon, you know, think about that word, 00:20:03.000 |
just to completely abandon any kind of bitterness or any kind of mental condition, really, that's 00:20:11.360 |
And instead, as verse 32 indicates, we are to be becoming kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving 00:20:22.040 |
each other even as and just as God in Christ has forgiven us. 00:20:26.520 |
And of course, that's connected, our characteristic of a true disciple. 00:20:31.120 |
If you're a true disciple of Christ, this positionally is what you are, and this is 00:20:37.680 |
I mean, we obviously, I'm not teaching perfection here. 00:20:43.560 |
You know, I have reformed theology like you do. 00:20:45.480 |
I know that there's a residue of sin, but we can still strive towards being becoming. 00:20:50.200 |
In fact, we'll look at it a little bit later, but he's saying you're not completely 100% 00:21:02.940 |
And so the point is we're to live new lives, and by God's grace, we do that when we begin 00:21:12.400 |
But in order to do that, it's really important, you know, maybe some of your friends that 00:21:15.520 |
you're thinking of right now, maybe they don't know that they're bitter. 00:21:22.340 |
And so sometimes what I'll do is I'll just point to some of the evidences that I see 00:21:27.160 |
in a person's life that are really common to people that are struggling with bitterness. 00:21:31.400 |
And I think that'll help you because it gives you a better picture of what you're going 00:21:37.960 |
So let's talk a little bit about the evidences now. 00:21:40.720 |
And one thing I want to point out, as a believer, you know, we can see evidences in a person's 00:21:45.320 |
life and kind of figure that this is probably what they're struggling with, but we're not 00:21:51.160 |
So I can't say 100% that's what it is, but fruit helps us to understand probably what's 00:21:58.400 |
And it's your job to ask a lot of questions and to ask the Holy Spirit to help you with 00:22:04.960 |
And that's the super, super helpful when it comes to helping people. 00:22:10.560 |
You know, Matthew 15, 19, Jesus says very clearly, "It's out of the heart that comes 00:22:15.920 |
evil thoughts and murder and adultery and sexual immorality and theft and false testimony 00:22:21.640 |
So he's just trying to point out that it's from the heart the mouth speaks. 00:22:24.760 |
It's from the heart behavior flows, that kind of thing. 00:22:28.000 |
So let's kind of look at some of these evidences. 00:22:32.640 |
The first one that I have on your outline there is withdrawing. 00:22:37.920 |
I put this at the top of the list because it's probably the most common one I see. 00:22:42.540 |
And I know because people are hiding when they're bitter and they're angry at people. 00:22:47.440 |
Sometimes when we're hurt, sometimes when we're offended by another person, we just 00:22:51.960 |
choose not to deal with that situation at all. 00:22:54.920 |
And so we succumb to retaliating in some particular way. 00:22:59.640 |
And one way to retaliate, quite honestly, is to withdraw from the relationship. 00:23:03.800 |
You know, you think that you're being a peacemaker, but actually you're being a peacekeeper because 00:23:14.640 |
And this is more or less what I call really passive retaliation because in a sense what 00:23:20.160 |
you're doing is you're just depriving that person who's offended you with your presence 00:23:26.200 |
rather than moving towards them in an effort to resolve conflict biblically. 00:23:31.240 |
In fact, you may even go so far as to plan all your activities avoiding that person altogether. 00:23:37.620 |
You're at church, someone you're mad at, and you do everything you can to avoid that person. 00:23:49.880 |
And we've got to be careful because that is what divides churches. 00:23:58.160 |
If you have a friend that's struggling in this way, you'll just see it. 00:24:01.480 |
It'll show up in their relationships and how they deal with people for sure. 00:24:05.920 |
My lady that I've been talking about, Polly, it was showing up in her marriage as well. 00:24:14.840 |
You know, whenever he did something she didn't like or said something that hurt her, she 00:24:18.440 |
just kind of defaulted to giving him the silent treatment. 00:24:22.240 |
And silent treatment, ladies, is a form of sinful anger. 00:24:28.080 |
It's just a way to say, "I'm not happy with you," right? 00:24:32.360 |
And so that's kind of how she retaliated against her husband, and it caused so much trouble 00:24:40.240 |
Another evidence of bitterness that you will often see in a person that's struggling with 00:24:45.200 |
bitterness is criticism or complaining or even slandering somebody. 00:24:55.160 |
It can be something like criticism as much as something like slander, but it's usually 00:25:01.320 |
And you know what I mean, because you hear it when someone's talking about somebody that 00:25:07.040 |
You hear them be very critical against that person or they're slandering them. 00:25:12.280 |
And, you know, for example, let's say that a person is embittered towards their friend 00:25:18.080 |
and you're just kind of hanging out with her and she begins to talk to you, and suddenly 00:25:23.520 |
you're just kind of noticing, "Wow, you know, her tone and what she's saying is very critical. 00:25:30.960 |
And what she's doing is she's trying to put that person in the least possible good light, 00:25:39.520 |
And if you really listen to her carefully, the criticism usually isn't helpful, right? 00:25:48.280 |
It's usually meant to tear the person down, so it's very destructive. 00:25:53.320 |
Or a person who's bitter may be caught up in complaining by venting her bad feelings 00:26:04.440 |
I mean, they're just spouting off, but it doesn't really help the situation. 00:26:10.560 |
And of course, slander is just another evidence in our speech, more embittered. 00:26:16.120 |
And you see this manifested, I think, in the body of Christ when people are just talking 00:26:19.480 |
behind each other's back and they're saying things that just are very negative. 00:26:25.640 |
They want to convince you of this negative stuff that they're saying about this particular 00:26:29.680 |
person and it's just so dangerous because it really divides the church or even a friendship. 00:26:36.440 |
Proverbs 16.28 says that a perverse man stirs up dissension and a gossip separates close 00:26:45.240 |
I mean, it's just so true when you think about that. 00:26:48.400 |
So again, with bitterness, it really divides people. 00:26:52.760 |
And what I want to say is that ultimately, you need to know that Satan, your enemy, is 00:26:58.480 |
very happy about this because his MO is to disunify the body of Christ. 00:27:06.580 |
So if he can encourage you to this end, then he's done his job. 00:27:12.960 |
But we live victoriously and we can overcome the enemy, sure, as believers, but I just 00:27:17.360 |
want you to know this is one of his biggest tools in his toolbox is to cause division 00:27:21.320 |
in the body of Christ and bitterness will help facilitate that for sure. 00:27:25.420 |
For Polly, how this manifested in her life was more like when she was with her husband, 00:27:31.360 |
it's more like biting sarcasm, you know, just saying things that are unkind, condescending, 00:27:36.560 |
being very caustic in her speech, treating her husband like he was a child. 00:27:42.480 |
She often complained that he had a limited intellect, so it's just not very respectful 00:27:47.560 |
and it kind of played into her sinning against him in this way. 00:27:52.780 |
Another one is just difficulty resolving conflict. 00:27:56.860 |
People that are bitter just have a difficulty here. 00:28:00.200 |
You know, it's kind of like Lou Priolo says, "Resolving conflicts with a person who's bitter 00:28:04.540 |
or a person who's unwilling to forgive is like trying to build a skyscraper without 00:28:12.040 |
And, you know, in other words, the bitterness is just going to doom the project before it 00:28:19.800 |
You know, and this is kind of the reason why. 00:28:22.460 |
When you're bitter, what you're doing is you're keeping a list of wrong. 00:28:27.280 |
You're constantly thinking about that person and you're just adding to the list all the 00:28:35.680 |
And when you bear a grudge against a person, when it comes time to working out the conflict 00:28:41.900 |
because you haven't dealt with your attitude of bitterness, it will still go unresolved 00:28:47.400 |
because you'll just think of other reasons why, you know, you think they should come 00:28:53.320 |
And so it just kind of goes on and on and it just becomes an occasion to add another 00:29:00.120 |
And typically the embittered person will take that list, that record of wrong, and just 00:29:04.640 |
rehearse it over and over again in their mind. 00:29:08.160 |
You know, that comes from 1 Corinthians 13 because we're not supposed to keep a list 00:29:13.400 |
We're supposed to love people by not keeping a list. 00:29:20.240 |
And so, you know, again, Polly struggled in this area as well. 00:29:25.040 |
She had gotten to a point where she wasn't really communicating to her husband at all. 00:29:28.320 |
And every time they'd sit down to try to resolve something, it would just blow up into this 00:29:32.480 |
big fight and someone would leave in a huff or withdraw from the situation. 00:29:44.000 |
And this kind of temptation plays out when a person who's bitter has been kind of dwelling 00:29:52.600 |
Even if the offender, someone that's, you know, offended them, comes to them and asks 00:29:56.920 |
for forgiveness, and they even extend forgiveness, sometimes if the offended is still hurt, she 00:30:05.680 |
will often just choose not to trust the person and still will be suspicious. 00:30:13.400 |
And you can imagine, this happens, right, when you're in a relationship, especially, 00:30:19.000 |
you know, if you're married and maybe one of the spouses has committed adultery, but 00:30:24.400 |
And so, you know, they're trying to reconcile their relationship, but the spouse that has 00:30:29.560 |
been sinned against is having a hard time trusting. 00:30:35.880 |
They need to build trust because the person's repented and, you know, she's extended forgiveness. 00:30:42.320 |
But you know, again, what happens is you're bitter, you're not dealing with that, and 00:30:47.880 |
what you're doing is you're choosing to create scenarios in your mind of what might be. 00:30:52.560 |
And that's not fair, because the person has repented at this point. 00:30:57.040 |
In Polly's case, where her distrust came from was just because of some other things. 00:31:03.480 |
She, I think the biggest thing for her is that early on in her marriage, she discovered 00:31:09.800 |
I think he just wanted to get married to her. 00:31:18.720 |
The first question I asked her, too, was, "Before you guys got married, did you get 00:31:25.280 |
Did you seek out your pastor before you made this decision?" 00:31:27.680 |
And of course, what do you think the answer was? 00:31:35.040 |
I think that probably would have caused them a lot of, well, it would have helped them 00:31:39.200 |
quite a bit because maybe the pastor perhaps would have seen some of these red flags had 00:31:44.640 |
they taken the time, but she just wanted to get married so bad that she went ahead and 00:31:50.520 |
And so now she's deeply disappointed because he's not the real deal, you know, and he's 00:31:58.800 |
Another evidence, I think, would just be acts of vengeance or repaying evil for evil. 00:32:05.320 |
You know, when you're deeply hurt, you know, maybe you know someone that's been physically 00:32:12.280 |
Sometimes a person just wants to get back at somebody. 00:32:16.720 |
You know, they've just been hurt at such a deep level. 00:32:18.980 |
Or maybe someone's gotten fired from work for no reason. 00:32:22.680 |
They don't know why they were fired and they want to get back at the company. 00:32:28.800 |
Or again, you know, maybe we could use the scenario that a spouse has been involved in 00:32:33.760 |
There's just lots of reasons that people use to motivate them to want to take action and 00:32:42.280 |
And really their hope is that their lack of forgiveness will cause the other person that's 00:32:49.200 |
They're not thinking about Christ at all, of course. 00:32:52.080 |
And, you know, of course, like I said, Polly, she wanted just to abandon the marriage. 00:32:58.720 |
That would be probably the biggest act of vengeance that she could probably do at that 00:33:06.880 |
Because she said the total weight of difficulties on her shoulders and she just wanted to get 00:33:12.800 |
She didn't want to live for the glory of God. 00:33:15.200 |
She wanted to live, she wanted to just have relief. 00:33:25.840 |
So these are just some things, some evidences. 00:33:29.360 |
This is just kind of the, what you would commonly see in a person. 00:33:33.660 |
Something that you need to be on the lookout for. 00:33:38.900 |
But I think a person who's bitter can also have a hard attitude that's intolerant or 00:33:44.760 |
hypersensitive, maybe very impatient, somebody that has a lot of contempt, maybe just rebelling 00:33:52.720 |
I might want to double check, come alongside my friend to try to find out why are you being 00:34:01.040 |
Depression can be a result or an evidence because, just think about it for a minute. 00:34:09.200 |
And I know that you've all done it at least once. 00:34:12.240 |
Do you remember how much energy it took to hold a grudge? 00:34:17.440 |
And that will manifest into depressed feelings. 00:34:21.800 |
It's just a lot of emotional energy and it just depletes over time and it spirals. 00:34:26.760 |
And of course, obviously, I'd be remiss if I didn't say that bitterness sometimes is 00:34:34.280 |
You know, you just might be dealing with a person that just isn't a believer. 00:34:37.820 |
You know, you don't know until you spend time with her, until you just ask questions and 00:34:43.440 |
you try to understand if she knows the gospel very well. 00:34:47.080 |
Not only knows it, but has she truly embraced Jesus as her Lord and Savior? 00:34:53.520 |
When I come alongside and help others, counsel others, one of the first things I do is I, 00:34:59.840 |
aside from asking a lot of questions, we go over the gospel together. 00:35:04.320 |
I really know that there are people that will come in and say, "I've been a believer for 00:35:08.840 |
Well, praise the Lord, but we're still going to go through the gospel together. 00:35:12.680 |
Because I want to make sure that she has embraced the gospel and that she knows it. 00:35:17.640 |
And you know that like seven times out of ten, people cannot articulate the gospel well. 00:35:23.500 |
And so it just gives me an opportunity to try to help them to understand it a little 00:35:29.080 |
But so that would just be something I would encourage you to do. 00:35:31.240 |
Let's just take a moment to go over the gospel and just see where it is that maybe there's 00:35:40.520 |
Okay, so that's just kind of some evidences, okay? 00:35:43.800 |
Just to kind of get you thinking a little bit. 00:35:45.360 |
If you were to help somebody, this is some things that you would look for on the surface 00:35:49.920 |
level, but we have to get a little bit deeper than that. 00:35:52.960 |
So now we're going to look at the heart driving bitterness. 00:36:03.880 |
I mean, it would be wonderful if we could just stop here and just tell our women friends 00:36:15.320 |
I would love it if that were something we could do, you know, and I just want you to 00:36:24.200 |
So it's important that we look to God's Word and look at a few things. 00:36:28.480 |
So now what I would like you to do is turn to James 4, and we'll just take a little bit 00:36:38.520 |
James 4, and we're going to look at, let's see, I think I want to do 1 to 3. 00:36:50.280 |
So James 4, beginning in verse 1, "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among 00:36:59.560 |
Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? 00:37:04.420 |
You lust and do not have, so you commit murder. 00:37:07.480 |
You are envious and quarrel, oops, sorry, you are envious and cannot obtain, so you 00:37:17.920 |
You ask and do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, so that you spend it on 00:37:25.760 |
So when a person is bitter, it can cause so much conflict in their lives, and a lot of 00:37:32.960 |
times the root of it, what's happening at the heart level, is it can be traced back 00:37:38.480 |
to a person's desires, you know, what they're desiring, kind of like expectations, you know, 00:37:55.080 |
How many of you in this audience who are single would like to be married someday? 00:38:09.780 |
How many of you, yes, it's a great desire, we're all praying for you, we want you to 00:38:13.080 |
get married, how many of you that are married who don't have children right now, but would 00:38:21.520 |
like to have a child, or would like to have children, right? 00:38:26.520 |
Or more children, you know, that kind of thing. 00:38:33.340 |
Children are a blessing, and of course we would want to have that happen and realize, 00:38:43.520 |
You know, it's all in the Lord's timing, right? 00:38:45.280 |
What if that desire goes unmet for a while, for a long time, or maybe not at all? 00:38:58.680 |
Or do we choose to respond in profound disappointment, which leads to bitterness of the soul? 00:39:09.120 |
Do we continue to find ultimate fulfillment in Christ? 00:39:14.080 |
Or do we allow these unmet good desires to rule the day, and then eventually grow bitter 00:39:22.920 |
You know, I see this in college students too, where they are panicking because they're a 00:39:27.320 |
senior and they want to do a particular something in their life vocation-wise, or they have 00:39:33.520 |
a lot of hopes and dreams, and so they have these great desires, but maybe they're not 00:39:39.700 |
And so they're struggling with trusting the Lord, and they're beginning to grow profoundly 00:39:45.160 |
disappointed, and bitterness can pursue that or ensue that. 00:39:52.280 |
But when we do that, when we're not trusting God and we are not finding our ultimate fulfillment 00:39:57.700 |
in Christ, what happens is this interesting little spiral. 00:40:02.560 |
And as you dwell on those things that you think you deserve, those desires, what happens 00:40:08.360 |
is it has the potential to work deeper into your heart, and when this happens, your spiral 00:40:15.040 |
downwards begins to think that it deserves or needs these desires, and eventually you 00:40:26.480 |
begin to think that if I don't have this good desire, I'm never going to be happy or fulfilled 00:40:33.800 |
And that is what we would say has now manifested into a demand. 00:40:37.920 |
So your desires have now turned into a demand of the heart. 00:40:42.040 |
It was a good desire to begin with, but now it's a demand. 00:40:48.120 |
And so the dialogue kind of goes like this, just to kind of make it real in a practical 00:40:55.720 |
I've worked very hard in my job, and I've done everything that my boss has asked me 00:41:04.440 |
Well, there might be some validity to that statement, but what if she doesn't get that 00:41:10.240 |
Does she grow bitter towards her boss, or does she trust the Lord with that decision? 00:41:15.920 |
You know, there is a reason why he didn't allow that to happen. 00:41:21.120 |
These are simplistic, but just to kind of get you thinking. 00:41:31.120 |
But what if your husband says you can't afford it right now? 00:41:34.800 |
What if he says that you need to wait another year until your finances are in a good place, 00:41:40.160 |
It's kind of funny, because I just had this conversation with my youngest daughter. 00:41:43.840 |
She wants to buy a new car, and this is exactly the conversation that we had, come to think 00:41:48.440 |
So, yeah, she forgets when you're 20, you forget that there's insurance involved. 00:41:57.520 |
So I told her, for example, her name is Hannah, you'd have to wait. 00:42:03.920 |
I don't think you can afford that, because you're not considering the reality of the 00:42:08.640 |
So does she hold that against me, or does she choose to trust me and trust the Lord 00:42:17.040 |
She has a car, but she just thinks she needs a better car, right? 00:42:21.840 |
But the point is, is the more we think about something, and the more we want it, the more 00:42:28.160 |
we succumb to thinking that if only I had this, you fill in the blank yourself. 00:42:32.120 |
If only you had whatever that is that just came to your mind, then you would be happy 00:42:39.800 |
And when it gets to that point, that good desire again has grown so strong in your life, 00:42:45.660 |
it's beginning to rule your thoughts, and it's beginning to rule your actions. 00:42:51.040 |
When something rules us, what's the biblical terminology for that? 00:43:07.000 |
Martin Luther puts it this way, "To whatever we look for any good thing and refuge in every 00:43:15.400 |
To have a God is nothing more than to trust and believe in Him from the heart." 00:43:20.920 |
And so to whatever you give your heart and to whatever you entrust your being to, that 00:43:29.880 |
Anything that we worship, we're worshippers, right? 00:43:32.560 |
We're worshiping Christ, but sometimes we worship other things. 00:43:36.200 |
So whatever you're giving your full devotion to, that in that moment is your God. 00:43:46.800 |
How can we discern whether these good desires that we have have become demands or maybe 00:43:54.320 |
And I've got some questions on your outline that you can use in your own reflection time, 00:43:59.520 |
that you could use to just encourage somebody with if you're having this kind of a dialogue. 00:44:06.120 |
Right out of the gate, I would just say, what is it that you're preoccupied with these days? 00:44:12.240 |
Is this something that's been on your mind morning and night? 00:44:14.440 |
Is this something you constantly think about? 00:44:20.800 |
If only I had blank, then I would be fulfilled, happy, and secure, satisfied, that kind of 00:44:30.440 |
When a certain desire is not met, how do you respond? 00:44:34.040 |
Do you respond with frustration, anger, bitterness, depression? 00:44:40.700 |
And is there something that you desire so much that you're willing to hurt others or 00:44:50.360 |
Yeah, I'm kind of getting in your grill, right? 00:44:55.560 |
That's why it's so different, because I want to get into your life, and I want to help 00:44:58.720 |
you for those that are off track with Christ to get back on track with serving your Savior 00:45:04.960 |
with a whole heart, not a divided heart, not a distracted heart, which is something we'll 00:45:09.760 |
talk a little bit more about in our next talk. 00:45:13.560 |
So when good desires go unmet, and we find ourselves frustrated and angry and bitter, 00:45:20.080 |
we can easily fall into the trap of judging others. 00:45:25.780 |
And the reason for this is because those unmet desires are failing to be satisfied, and so 00:45:30.880 |
we default to criticizing and nagging and attacking people, just condemning them for 00:45:36.200 |
not living up to our expectations or even fulfilling those desires. 00:45:40.880 |
And that's sinful, because when you judge people like that, what you're doing is you're 00:45:44.960 |
presuming upon them and you're questioning their motives. 00:45:55.080 |
But when we get here, we get kind of just very judging in that sense. 00:46:00.780 |
And then unfortunately, when others fail to live up to our expectations or give in to 00:46:05.880 |
our desires, we simply find ways to hurt or punish other people. 00:46:10.400 |
And all of those evidences we went over already is kind of that form of evidence that I'm 00:46:15.080 |
talking about, you know, the things that we do. 00:46:21.000 |
And really, at the end of the day, it's just a very controlling and manipulative tactic, 00:46:27.640 |
because when you don't give me what I want, you know, I'm going to punish you by imposing 00:46:33.320 |
guilt and shame and saying mean things and things like that, because I want to send a 00:46:38.440 |
message that I'm not happy, because it's about me, right? 00:46:54.660 |
If we don't deal with that, we can easily turn into a judge of others, which can easily 00:46:59.760 |
-- we can easily turn into a person who punishes. 00:47:03.360 |
So if that's you, those -- there's some great tools there for you to kind of think about. 00:47:07.960 |
And I use James 4 as a way to really filter through my heart. 00:47:14.160 |
That is kind of an expanded idea behind James 4. 00:47:19.480 |
So now that we know just a little bit more about unmet desires and how that connects 00:47:23.160 |
to bitterness, it's really important, once you kind of are working with somebody and 00:47:27.920 |
you're trying to help them understand the heart level, what's going on, what's ruling 00:47:32.360 |
her, it's really important that we just help her to spend time looking to the Lord, right? 00:47:39.080 |
A lot of the music we sang this morning was so beautiful. 00:47:41.520 |
We have to remind ourselves who we are in Christ, because we can get pretty discouraged 00:47:45.920 |
if all we did all day long is just focus on our sin. 00:47:54.140 |
But it's not just about abandoning or laying aside or repenting of your sin. 00:47:59.880 |
It's also about walking in a manner worthy of your calling. 00:48:05.980 |
And so we kind of need to look at some of those things as well. 00:48:10.180 |
And of course, you know, I always tell people, you know, there's hope. 00:48:14.820 |
That's why I balk at medical models, like when people call themselves alcoholics. 00:48:20.440 |
I say, you know, the problem with that is if you call yourself an alcoholic, the world 00:48:28.680 |
But if we use biblical language and say that you're a drunkard, there's always hope for 00:48:34.940 |
And so I just, you know, try to help people reorient their language, because there is 00:48:49.140 |
And so what's the first thing that we can give people? 00:48:57.380 |
The first thing I'm going to tell this woman is God has provided a Savior who has lived 00:49:04.060 |
that perfect life that you should have lived, and who's experienced the punishment that 00:49:09.700 |
we've all deserved because of our sin and for sin like bitterness. 00:49:14.600 |
And I'm going to remind you that there is always forgiveness in Christ, always, you 00:49:21.200 |
And so let's kind of work out the root of bitterness with that in mind. 00:49:25.840 |
And so I'm going to encourage her, once we kind of understand what the root issue is 00:49:32.640 |
You guys have heard the word repentance, right? 00:49:37.400 |
That's a grace that God gives us to turn from, you know, our old life to the gospel for salvation. 00:49:45.320 |
But I'm talking about the kind of repentance that's continual. 00:49:48.600 |
We should be every day repenting of sin and, or confessing and repenting of sin. 00:49:54.560 |
That's just a continual act that should go on in our life every single day. 00:49:57.880 |
And I just gave you something pretty practical there from an old dead guy, Thomas Watson. 00:50:07.640 |
And this is just really helpful, but he says that, this is like the six practical ingredients 00:50:13.440 |
for repentance, but he says that first, when we're dealing with sin and repentance, there 00:50:22.640 |
In other words, a person must see herself as a sinner and nothing but a sinner. 00:50:32.080 |
And so we see ourselves this way and we need to acknowledge that we're bitter. 00:50:37.360 |
And we need to acknowledge that ultimately, you know, we're being unforgiving at the heart 00:50:42.720 |
level and just to kind of give it away, not to beat around the bush, what really is happening 00:50:49.120 |
Wouldn't you say, when you're bitter, would you say you have a love problem? 00:50:52.960 |
We're not loving God with our whole heart, mind and soul. 00:50:58.000 |
And those are the two most important commandments in scripture. 00:51:00.960 |
So when you're bitter and you're unforgiving, you've got a love problem. 00:51:05.820 |
It's not getting you any closer to those two goals. 00:51:09.440 |
We need to talk to the Lord about these things. 00:51:11.800 |
The second is that there is a sorrow for sin. 00:51:20.880 |
It's more like I am broken because I have sinned against a holy God, mainly as you're 00:51:36.420 |
Some other words are just kind of give you a bigger picture. 00:51:41.680 |
When you're repentant, just kind of think of your heart being rendered or broken. 00:51:46.840 |
That's what he's, that's the idea that he's trying to give. 00:51:51.720 |
Whenever you confess sin, it should always be voluntary. 00:52:00.720 |
And confession of sin should include a resolution never to do it again. 00:52:05.320 |
Thankfully, the gal that I'm talking about today, when she became convicted over her 00:52:10.520 |
sin as we were talking through these issues, she did. 00:52:15.400 |
You get overwhelmed when you start thinking about these kinds of things. 00:52:18.240 |
And she realized that her unwillingness to forgive her husband was just causing a lot 00:52:26.140 |
And so she ended up going to him and talking to him and asking for his forgiveness. 00:52:30.080 |
And that became a witnessing tool anyway, because remember, he's an unbeliever, right? 00:52:34.520 |
And so she's killing her witness by what she was doing. 00:52:38.080 |
But now she's going to try to win this guy without a word, like 1 Peter talks about. 00:52:42.900 |
And so she confessed her sin, which was just amazing. 00:52:45.740 |
That's how you know that someone's truly repentant. 00:52:47.580 |
They get humble and they want to do these things. 00:52:54.200 |
You know, your sin should cause a holy bashfulness. 00:52:58.960 |
In other words, you realize that your sin is not just against this person, but ultimately 00:53:06.680 |
That's what David realized when he was convicted over his sin of adultery. 00:53:14.400 |
Someone that's truly repentant is what I call a sin loather. 00:53:19.920 |
In other words, they dislike their sin, not only in judgment, but they hate sin in the 00:53:27.280 |
And again, Polly realized that as well, and she began to hate her sin. 00:53:32.680 |
And then finally, a person turns from their sin. 00:53:36.200 |
And as we kind of talked about yesterday, dying to self is really kind of the life of 00:53:42.920 |
You know, you've got to deny yourself in order to continue on with this repentance journey. 00:53:52.440 |
She confessed it to her husband, and then eventually they went together to the pastor 00:53:56.380 |
of their church to help them kind of continue. 00:54:01.040 |
I didn't hear if, in this particular case that I'm thinking of, if the husband got saved, 00:54:06.720 |
So some good things could have happened there. 00:54:09.120 |
For you, I would say that even though I'm giving you these little tips from the Puritans, 00:54:13.320 |
I think Psalm 51 probably shaped a lot of what Thomas Watson's talking about here. 00:54:18.720 |
So I would just encourage you, if you really want to really dive into this issue of repentance, 00:54:28.440 |
The context there is David has been, Nathan has basically called him out on his sin of 00:54:36.360 |
adultery and making a situation where Bathsheba's husband got killed in battle. 00:54:44.160 |
And so when he recognizes that, just really quickly, you'll notice in Psalm 51 that he 00:54:49.680 |
goes to God first, that he has a side of sin, he has a genuine sorrow over his sin, he confesses 00:54:57.080 |
it to God with sincerity, and he's ashamed of his sin, and he has a hatred for it, and 00:55:06.320 |
And that's largely due to the fact that he has a strong desire to reconcile his relationship 00:55:15.880 |
Okay, so we would talk a little bit about repentance, because that's important, and 00:55:20.920 |
then we would kind of move over to renewing your mind. 00:55:25.560 |
Another thing that I would encourage my friend in is I would say, "Look, you know, one of 00:55:31.480 |
the great graces that God gives us to help us identify our sin and ungodly desires will 00:55:38.240 |
also deliver us from those things in his word." 00:55:40.840 |
And that's where kind of Hebrews 4.12 comes in. 00:55:43.360 |
It talks about how God's word is living and active. 00:55:47.720 |
It's not just a two-dimensional, you know, piece of literature. 00:55:51.120 |
It's obviously living and active, and when we read it, we feel conviction. 00:55:58.400 |
And so I would just find opportunities to have my friend do some studies in his word. 00:56:03.880 |
I had Polly study through the book of Ephesians and just meditate on aspects of it. 00:56:09.520 |
I'd make sure that she's coming to church regularly and sitting under the solid preaching 00:56:14.600 |
that you all get to enjoy every Sunday, because when you meet with people, you want to make 00:56:18.360 |
sure that they're listening to the same things you're listening to so you can continue to 00:56:26.440 |
Jesus says, too, that, you know, we need to abide in his word. 00:56:29.480 |
He calls us to abide in him, and that's just talking about a relationship, being constantly 00:56:35.920 |
aware of our total dependence upon him, because bitterness, in large part, has to do with 00:56:46.040 |
And so you're trying to help a person go from the self-focus to a Christ-focus, and you 00:56:50.320 |
do that by helping to renew their mind in Scripture. 00:56:54.480 |
Don't use psychologized ways to help people, please. 00:56:58.680 |
You've got everything you need here for her life and for godliness. 00:57:02.280 |
I would have her think through gospel truths. 00:57:07.000 |
You want to remind people of their position, because, again, people get very discouraged. 00:57:11.800 |
So I would talk through the gospel and all its implications, how it keeps us humble because 00:57:16.820 |
it forces us to admit that we're a sinner in need of God's grace every day. 00:57:21.960 |
I would have them meditate upon gospel truths. 00:57:24.280 |
I already mentioned Ephesians 1 to 2 in particular, but I would take her to Colossians 1 to 3 00:57:30.920 |
And I would have a dialogue about the preeminence of Christ. 00:57:33.160 |
I think that would be really encouraging to her. 00:57:36.080 |
I'm sure that your pastor has probably taught on that before. 00:57:39.040 |
I might even do a careful reading of Romans 1 to 11. 00:57:42.200 |
That's something I'm actually studying again this year, because I'd want to help people, 00:57:47.520 |
help her be reminded that she's dead to sin but alive to Christ, and that she's now a 00:57:56.720 |
Those are just some really encouraging things. 00:57:59.000 |
And then after that, I might have her just spend some time thinking through Matthew 7, 00:58:07.840 |
You know, Matthew 7 talks about taking the big old log out of your own eye before you, 00:58:13.120 |
you know, dwell on the speck in your brother's eye. 00:58:16.640 |
And I just want her to think through that carefully because maybe in the course of her 00:58:22.800 |
being bitter, maybe she has something, maybe she needs to take responsibility for something. 00:58:28.320 |
Maybe it's not all 100% on the other person's end, right? 00:58:32.000 |
So she might have something she needs to deal with and just confess her sin and all of that. 00:58:38.560 |
And the third thing as far as renewing the mind, just have her go to key scripture. 00:58:44.600 |
I think key scripture could be like Romans 6, just looking at that whole issue about 00:58:53.960 |
I would take her to Galatians 2.20, which reminds her that she has been crucified with 00:58:58.880 |
Christ so it's no longer she who lives but Christ who lives in her. 00:59:03.480 |
And then after we've kind of dialogued through some of those things, I would then take her 00:59:14.640 |
Going back to Ephesians 4 where we started, remember, we put off bitterness and anger 00:59:22.960 |
and clamor and slander and all of those things, but we put on a heart that is kind and tenderhearted 00:59:32.520 |
You know, we've learned that the believer is to put away bitterness, but now we're going 00:59:38.320 |
And so as much as we're abandoning all of those other things, putting off that old self 00:59:43.000 |
and renewing our mind in the scriptures, now we need to step out in faith and we need to 00:59:47.000 |
actually live like the women were called to be in Christ. 01:00:02.020 |
It just simply means to be gracious to people instead of being harsh. 01:00:10.280 |
And when we're kind to others, we're loving people, even if they're the offender. 01:00:18.280 |
And so when we're extending kindness, we're really just choosing not to say unkind things 01:00:22.980 |
about those who have hurt us and not to be excessively passive either, like withdrawing. 01:00:32.720 |
I'm helping my friend to actively look for ways to honor the Lord by blessing those who 01:00:42.880 |
Romans 12 at the end there talks about don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with 01:00:51.000 |
And so this command to be becoming kind is actually in the present middle imperative. 01:00:55.680 |
And so that just means that we're to keep on becoming kind. 01:00:59.680 |
It's something that we're human becomings, you know, this side of heaven. 01:01:04.560 |
We've got to strive towards and continue to do that. 01:01:08.880 |
And the second one is instead of being bitter, we're exhorted to keep on becoming tenderhearted. 01:01:18.860 |
We find the same exhortation in 1 Peter 3, 8 to 9. 01:01:23.080 |
Instead of paying evil for evil, we're to have a unity of mind and we're to be sympathetic 01:01:26.980 |
and we're to have brotherly love and a tender heart towards others. 01:01:30.860 |
In fact, compassion or tenderheartedness, kind of the same word, is the mark of a Christian 01:01:37.380 |
That's something that we're to have as a fruit of the Spirit. 01:01:42.260 |
So how do you extend compassion towards those who hurt you? 01:01:47.300 |
Because sometimes people hurt us so much that to have a compassionate attitude is really, 01:01:54.580 |
And so, but one thing I can tell you is, you know, you never know. 01:01:58.100 |
Your compassion and your kindness towards people that are unlovely, as it were, can 01:02:09.940 |
When I stopped being bitter towards my father and started realizing he was my mission field, 01:02:15.960 |
instead of it being all about me and how he hurt me as a young person, and I started seeing 01:02:21.180 |
him through the eyes of Christ, I was able to change my view. 01:02:27.440 |
And my, it's, you know, you're winning people without a word. 01:02:32.280 |
You're being a billboard for the gospel, in a sense. 01:02:34.980 |
And that's what won him over, because I wasn't bitter anymore. 01:02:39.060 |
And I also asked him for forgiveness, kind of a thing. 01:02:42.140 |
So that very thing can be the thing that God uses. 01:02:46.580 |
And then finally, you know, we're exhorted to be forgiving. 01:02:51.040 |
And so Paul is just talking about that kind of forgiveness that just really bears up with 01:02:56.900 |
It's the idea of forgiving in the sense of treating the offending party very graciously. 01:03:02.260 |
Paul talks about it in Colossians 3.13 as well, that we are to bear with one another, 01:03:08.180 |
even if someone has a complaint, you're to forgive them. 01:03:11.620 |
And you know, Paul knows that the believer's going to offend and hurt one another, but 01:03:15.460 |
what he's urging us to do is just forgive for the sake of maintaining unity in the church. 01:03:20.260 |
And remember I told you yesterday, is the church a building? 01:03:28.420 |
And so, you know, we could be talking about this church right now, or we could be talking 01:03:42.400 |
How can we not forgive these little offenses against, that we dwell on so much? 01:03:48.700 |
So in summary, I would just say that the believer is to lay aside the sin of bitterness once 01:03:57.220 |
And we're also called, though, to continue to walk or to be becoming kind and tenderhearted 01:04:02.040 |
and forgiving as God in Christ has forgiven us. 01:04:05.580 |
And really the last part of that verse of 32, one thing I want to point out is that, 01:04:09.860 |
you know, God has in your life once for all forgiven your sins. 01:04:16.860 |
And so maybe that can be your motivator when you start thinking about how much forgiveness 01:04:22.540 |
Could you allow that to motivate you to forgive others from the heart? 01:04:30.540 |
So forgiveness is just something that needs to be done in the heart before God. 01:04:34.260 |
It kind of makes me think of the prodigal son. 01:04:38.380 |
You know, when you think about the prodigal son in that whole scenario, after that son, 01:04:44.260 |
you know, asked for that inheritance and he went away and he squandered that inheritance, 01:04:51.740 |
But did you notice in that parable that when he repented and he came back, did you notice 01:04:58.860 |
And do you remember also that when he saw his son, he went running towards his son? 01:05:06.020 |
That is an eager attitude that's ready to extend forgiveness towards another person. 01:05:13.620 |
We're to be that kind of forgiving person from the heart instead of being bitter. 01:05:18.780 |
Well you're probably wondering what happened to Polly. 01:05:36.260 |
But once she began that process of repentance, she did begin to respond to her husband in 01:05:41.540 |
a manner that was consistent with who she says she is. 01:05:44.420 |
You know, when scripture talks about walking in a manner worthy of your calling, it means 01:05:49.660 |
So who you profess to be needs to be equal with how you live. 01:05:55.940 |
And she began to learn how to live in that way. 01:05:59.700 |
She began to learn how to abandon her bitterness and be compassionate towards her husband like 01:06:09.020 |
And actually, over time, instead of being sort of a victim, because that's kind of how 01:06:13.260 |
she saw herself, of a terrible circumstance, she saw herself as somebody that was able 01:06:22.540 |
She was able to see her husband through the Lord's eyes as a very needy man who just needed 01:06:27.980 |
And, you know, praise God for the work that he does. 01:06:31.620 |
Praise God for the transforming work that he does in our lives. 01:06:34.280 |
Can you imagine if we had a God that did not work in our lives that way? 01:06:38.500 |
I mean, we serve a God that we're in relationship with. 01:06:46.280 |
This is a God that we have a personal relationship with and he will do the work if you will surrender 01:06:53.580 |
Okay, so on that last page there, you've got some resources. 01:07:00.980 |
Bitterness, the root that pollutes, I already talked to you a little bit about that. 01:07:05.700 |
I just had a counselee just finish reading that more recently, another discouraging marriage, 01:07:10.820 |
but she got so much out of that resource and she repented. 01:07:16.860 |
The second one, unpacking forgiveness, biblical questions and deep wounds by Chris Bronze. 01:07:21.780 |
I think that's the most balanced view I've ever read on the topic of forgiveness. 01:07:26.700 |
I would highly encourage you to order that on Amazon or whatever just because it's such 01:07:34.700 |
From Forgiven to Forgiving, another great book that's not as long as the second one 01:07:41.940 |
And then the fourth one is just a little booklet entitled Help, I Want to Change, which kind 01:07:48.860 |
of takes you through the put-on process using Ephesians 4. 01:07:52.580 |
It's a very balanced view, I think could be super, super helpful.