back to indexBFM Retreat 2017 - Session 3
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And up to this point, the theme of the retreat is marriage in light of eternity. 00:00:08.000 |
And so I initially, my first message was really wanted to try to give you guys a perspective 00:00:09.000 |
from an eternal perspective with respect to marriage. 00:00:10.000 |
And that's what I meant through Ephesians chapter 5. 00:00:11.000 |
I just tried to bring that whole entire text together. 00:00:12.000 |
And the climax for me is that I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:13.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:14.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:15.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:17.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:18.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:19.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:20.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:21.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:22.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:23.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:24.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:25.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:27.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:28.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:29.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:30.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:31.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:32.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:33.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:34.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:35.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:36.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:00:57.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:01:19.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:01:47.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:01:54.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:05.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:17.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:18.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:19.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:20.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:21.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:22.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:23.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:24.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:25.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:27.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:28.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:29.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:30.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:31.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:02:52.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:03:20.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:03:27.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:03:38.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:03:58.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:04:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:04:33.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:04:42.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:04:48.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:13.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:42.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:43.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:44.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:45.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:46.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:47.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:48.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:49.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:50.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:51.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:52.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:53.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:54.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:55.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:56.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:05:57.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:06:18.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:06:42.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:07:10.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:07:17.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:07:28.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:07:48.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:08:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:08:23.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:08:34.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:08:40.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:08:47.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:08:54.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:00.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:06.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:11.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:21.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:31.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:36.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:41.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:46.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:51.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:09:56.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:01.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:06.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:11.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:21.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:31.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:36.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:41.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:46.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:51.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:10:56.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:01.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:06.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:11.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:21.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:31.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:36.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:41.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:46.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:51.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:11:56.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:01.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:06.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:11.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:21.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:31.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:36.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:41.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:46.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:51.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:12:56.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:01.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:06.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:11.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:21.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:31.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:36.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:41.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:46.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:51.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:13:56.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:01.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:06.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:11.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:21.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:31.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:36.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:41.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:46.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:51.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:14:56.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:01.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:06.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:11.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:16.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:21.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:26.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:31.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:36.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:41.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:46.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:51.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:15:56.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:16:01.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:16:06.000 |
And I'm going to be talking about the first message. 00:16:11.000 |
In the Journal of the American Medical Association, 00:16:16.000 |
276 volunteers were infected with a virus that produces the common cold. 00:16:21.000 |
And the study found that people with strong emotional connections did four times better fighting off illness. 00:16:28.000 |
These people were less susceptible to colds, had less viruses, 00:16:33.000 |
and they produced significantly less mucus than relationally isolated people. 00:16:45.000 |
Basically, people in isolation are snottier than people who are in common. 00:16:50.000 |
Psychology is just catching up here with the wisdom of God. 00:17:00.000 |
He understood the profound nature of whom He had created, 00:17:05.000 |
namely Adam and the image of God, and how to bring that into culmination. 00:17:10.000 |
And so how does God respond to this aloneness? 00:17:15.000 |
When in verse 22 of chapter 2 we see exactly what He does. 00:17:20.000 |
"And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man He made into a woman, 00:17:30.000 |
And the man said," he starts rapping poetry for you ladies, "This is at last bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. 00:17:37.000 |
She shall be the woman because she was taken out of man." 00:17:40.000 |
Verse 24, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, 00:18:05.000 |
The very revelation of who God is that was revealed to us from the beginning. 00:18:18.000 |
And so now what we see is a representation of them imaging God even more so. 00:18:31.000 |
He describes to us that He made us to be in verse 18 of chapter 2. 00:18:37.000 |
"And the Lord said, 'It is good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit.'" 00:18:52.000 |
And that's a very hard word and scholars are all over the place with it. 00:18:57.000 |
But one of the best, it seems like, and what most people kind of come together with, 00:19:02.000 |
as far as the translation and understanding of that word, is a "helper companion." 00:19:10.000 |
So verse 18, "The Lord said, 'It's not good that man should be alone.'" 00:19:15.000 |
And it fits because He's talking about His loneliness. 00:19:18.000 |
"And so I will make him a" what? "a helper companion." 00:19:28.000 |
One to come alongside Anna in her journey through life. 00:19:32.000 |
Pursuing together God's passion for His world. 00:19:39.000 |
What is the foundation for true compatibility? 00:19:50.000 |
How can you know if you've married your soulmate? 00:20:00.000 |
It's seeing in your spouse that they are your BFF. 00:20:13.000 |
Keller says this, "When I met my future wife, Kathy, 00:20:17.000 |
we sensed very quickly that we shared an unusual number of books, stories, themes, 00:20:22.000 |
ways of thinking about life, and experiences that brought us joy. 00:20:27.000 |
We recognized in one another a true kindred spirit 00:20:31.000 |
and the potential for a bond of deep friendship. 00:20:37.000 |
But this is not what many young adults mean when they speak of "compatible" soulmates. 00:20:49.000 |
Because we get infiltrated so much by the world and how they define 00:20:56.000 |
And then we begin to look at our marriages and say, 00:20:58.000 |
"Well, if the world is saying this is what compatibility is, 00:21:01.000 |
and I'm not seeing this form of compatibility in my relationship, 00:21:07.000 |
Or we need to go get some counseling because we've got to fix it." 00:21:12.000 |
That was something that even we, in our own journey, my wife and myself, 00:21:15.000 |
as we were in marriage, and the honeymoon stage kind of begins to dissipate. 00:21:23.000 |
And there was a point where we were kind of talking and just saying, 00:21:27.000 |
"You know, all of the romantic things that we all used to feel about one another, 00:21:32.000 |
this kind of doesn't seem like it's there anymore. 00:21:36.000 |
And it just feels like you're just kind of my best friend." 00:21:39.000 |
And we just kind of hang out, we're roommates, we do everything together. 00:21:43.000 |
We hang, we eat potato chips, we joke, and we watch movies. 00:21:47.000 |
And we both kind of looked at it like, "Man, that kind of sucks." 00:21:53.000 |
Where's the chemistry? Where are things exploding in our marriage? 00:22:01.000 |
And it started to cause for us to say, "Man, maybe there's something wrong here. 00:22:13.000 |
And the more we have biblical categories, the more we can actually make and decipher 00:22:16.000 |
just where our relationships really are and who they aren't. 00:22:20.000 |
For decades, researchers have explored what is at the core of the best marriages. 00:22:25.000 |
While studies have found many factors predict stable, happy marriages, 00:22:30.000 |
all of the research converges on one thing--friendship, not romance. 00:22:37.000 |
Now, fellas, that doesn't get you off the hook. 00:22:40.000 |
So ladies, I'm not trying to get your husbands off the hook. 00:22:42.000 |
You've got to romance your wives, man. You've got to always do that. 00:22:45.000 |
For wives, don't be discouraged when you just feel like, "Man, I just feel like the romance isn't there. 00:22:53.000 |
Man, I don't know if he's a--we have some males, too, that are romantics." 00:22:57.000 |
And you're saying, "Man, I'm just not feeling it." 00:23:02.000 |
I'm not going to leave you all out. That's right. 00:23:08.000 |
Don't start to allow for that to make you question the depth of your relationship with your spouse. 00:23:17.000 |
Yesterday, as we were talking about sex and marriage, there's something that I wanted to talk about 00:23:24.000 |
and I'm in light of that, and I like the way the Kellers really put--because you can understand 00:23:31.000 |
the parallel between the way that their relationship developed over time, how it moved into friendship, 00:23:38.000 |
and the effect that it had on their sexual relationship. 00:23:42.000 |
And he says this. He says, "In our early days," as I was looking at some of my notes, 00:23:47.000 |
"it reminded me that in those years when we first started our marriage, we dreaded having sex." 00:23:53.000 |
"Kathy, in those remarks, said that if she didn't experience an orgasm during lovemaking, we both felt like failures." 00:24:00.000 |
"If I asked her, 'How was that?' and she said, 'It just hurt,' I felt devastated, and she did, too." 00:24:07.000 |
"We had a great deal of trouble until we started to see something," as Kathy says in her notes. 00:24:13.000 |
"We came to realize that orgasm is great, especially climaxing together, but the awe, the wonder, 00:24:19.000 |
the safety, and the joy of just being one like friends is stirring and stunning even without that." 00:24:27.000 |
Even when we stopped trying, and when we stopped trying to perform, and just tried to start simply loving one another, 00:24:35.000 |
sex actually started moving ahead. We stopped worrying about our performance, and we stopped worrying about what we were getting, 00:24:42.000 |
and started saying, "Well, what can we do to just give to one another?" 00:24:48.000 |
This concept also has implications for the typical problem that many couples experience in their marital relationship, 00:24:54.000 |
namely that one person wants it more than the other. If your main purpose is sex and giving pleasure, not getting pleasure, 00:25:01.000 |
then a person who doesn't have as much of a sex drive physically can give to the other person and just give it to them as a gift. 00:25:07.000 |
Because that's my friend. This is a legitimate act of love, and it shouldn't be denigrated by saying, "Oh, no, no, no, no, don't do that." 00:25:16.000 |
Unless you're going to be all passionate, don't do it. No. Do it as a gift. 00:25:23.000 |
That's friendship. That's a companion. I just want to tell you, and this is kind of how it works from what I've seen, as I've kind of seen it. 00:25:34.000 |
Initially, guys, we have a whole lot of testosterone, so we're chasing y'all. We're chasing the women. 00:25:40.000 |
And so you guys are like, "Back up, back up. Get them off me. Leave me alone." It reverses. 00:25:46.000 |
So ladies, be ready, because you guys are going to start doing like this, and he's going to start doing like this. 00:25:53.000 |
And what I've been finding is, is with older couples, they're having complaints because they're like, "My husband, I'm trying to get to him, 00:26:00.000 |
and he don't want to do nothing at all." And she's like, "Ready to go." And so why do I bring that up? 00:26:06.000 |
Because that area, if that's going to be the barometer for the depth of your intimacy, I'm sorry. 00:26:13.000 |
It's going to go like this all throughout your relationship. 00:26:18.000 |
And that's why friendship has to be the center for which you guys develop the depth of your relationship toward one another. 00:26:28.000 |
Gottman is found, and he's a world-premier marriage scholar, summarizes more than two decades of research 00:26:35.000 |
and dozens of studies, and he says the simple truth is this, the happy marriage is based on deep friendships. 00:26:41.000 |
He also found that the quality of a married couple's friendship is the most important predictor of satisfaction with sex, romance, and passion. 00:26:51.000 |
As simple as it sounds, happy marriages are based on a foundation of friendship. Period. 00:26:59.000 |
And that's what we see here in Genesis. God's main focus in relationships was to create companionship. 00:27:10.000 |
And that's where true happiness comes, in marriage. 00:27:14.000 |
So secondarily, how can you experience the benefit of true soulmate compatibility? 00:27:19.000 |
I'm going to give you three ways to reach BFF status, if you will, in your marriage. 00:27:49.000 |
And this second thing you do, you cover the Lord's ultimate tears with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. 00:28:03.000 |
So what's the context here? God is not accepting their worship. He's not accepting their sacrifice. 00:28:08.000 |
He's not embracing their attempts to demonstrate just how much they're dedicated, committed to, and love God. 00:28:19.000 |
But you say, why does he not? Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she was your, ESV, what's that word you guys? 00:28:36.000 |
Companion and your wife by, what's that next word? Covenant. 00:28:45.000 |
God helps us to understand companionship by defining it as covenant. 00:28:54.000 |
So the first way that you reach BFF status in your marriage is constancy. 00:29:03.000 |
That's the first C. I'm going to do three C's. 00:29:05.000 |
Constancy. I've used the other word permanence. 00:29:13.000 |
Basically, you can't have friendship without covenant. 00:29:16.000 |
You can't have true friendship without promise. 00:29:20.000 |
This text also supports God's intention for making women in the first place. 00:29:34.000 |
He's severed a friendship that caused God to feel the way he feels. 00:29:42.000 |
You see, here's the value in covenant and constancy. 00:29:47.000 |
Is that when you look at me and you tell me there is nothing that you can do that's going to keep me from loving you. 00:30:07.000 |
And it diminishes my pressure to perform for you in order to gain your favor. 00:30:15.000 |
See, a lot of times in marriage, when I first started, that's all I was trying to do. 00:30:28.000 |
If I don't live up to these standards that she's looking at, then she's going to look at me one day and say, you know what? 00:30:36.000 |
I'm hitting the door because you haven't fulfilled anything. 00:30:40.000 |
But what covenant does is it says, I already know you're not going to fulfill all these things. 00:30:47.000 |
So you can be your true self, which is broken, messed up, and jacked up. 00:30:53.000 |
And you can know even in your true self, I'm not going anywhere. 00:30:58.000 |
That creates the environment for competition. 00:31:07.000 |
Your deepest friends are the friends that know all your jerk, all of your failures, all of your foibles, and yet they still say, dude, I got your back. 00:31:18.000 |
I'm going to tell you when you're wrong and when you're tripping, I'm going to do that because I'm your friend. 00:31:25.000 |
Those are the people that you have for a lifetime. 00:31:31.000 |
Here's the mile moment, marriage and life in eternity, that I want to focus you in. 00:31:39.000 |
Image to image or reflect the companionship of the Trinity. 00:31:44.000 |
And girl, I'm always trying to take these concepts for you guys and bring them from the earth to heaven. 00:31:49.000 |
I want you to understand that the call that you have in marriage, I wanted to always help you to understand what it means for God to be God. 00:32:01.000 |
So when you walk out, you basically understand, man, the Father's relationship and Jesus' relationship is one of promise. 00:32:08.000 |
That's why they have such a deep, profound relationship. 00:32:11.000 |
They are covenanted and committed to one another. 00:32:21.000 |
We read this, but sometimes I think we don't connect it. 00:32:24.000 |
And proverbs are kind of hard because sometimes they are isolated statements. 00:32:52.000 |
And we can try to talk about all kinds of different things. 00:32:55.000 |
But if we keep it in the context, I want you to see something. 00:32:59.000 |
The poor use entreaties, but the rich answer roughly. 00:33:03.000 |
Verse 24. A man of many companions may come to ruin. 00:33:15.000 |
There's covenant glue who sticks closer than a brother. 00:33:34.000 |
But you have that one friend who sticks closer than a brother. 00:34:08.000 |
Now I'm just going to break that down in ways that candor looks. 00:34:12.000 |
The first area that candor looks like in your relationship. 00:34:24.000 |
You need to be engaged in encouraging and affirming one another. 00:34:34.000 |
And the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. 00:34:42.000 |
And I think this is a good description of candor. 00:35:31.000 |
Here's a discussion question that you guys can engage in as couples. 00:35:36.000 |
How open are you and your spouse to feedback when it comes to the truth about yourself? 00:35:43.000 |
How open are you about the areas of brokenness that are in your life. 00:35:49.000 |
That you are willing to allow for your spouse without being defensive to speak into. 00:36:02.000 |
That's another discussion question you guys can discuss. 00:36:05.000 |
You know honey the reason why I'm having a hard time receiving from you. 00:36:08.000 |
Is because when you come at me it doesn't feel like you love me when you do it. 00:36:13.000 |
It's hard for me to receive from you because you know what sometimes it's hard to hear it. 00:36:23.000 |
Forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you. 00:36:27.000 |
Galatians 6.14 we're familiar with it brothers. 00:36:31.000 |
You who are spiritual should restore him in what way? 00:36:38.000 |
Is gentleness a part of your interactions as a couple? 00:36:45.000 |
The other part of candor is that friends they sharpen one another. 00:37:02.000 |
The people that have been the most sharpening if you will to me are my friends. 00:37:07.000 |
And the one that has been best for me has been my wife. 00:37:16.000 |
And that's something that I've struggled with for years and years and years. 00:37:45.000 |
And the black family is one where just really family is just central in so many ways. 00:37:52.000 |
And so I spent a lot of time at my grandmothers house and there was a core of cousins that I had that were all around the same age of all the kids that my grandmother had. 00:38:12.000 |
And so as a result I didn't develop and grow as quickly as some of my other cousins did. 00:38:33.000 |
And so I always felt like I had to perform even better just to reach where everybody else was. 00:38:40.000 |
And that developed in me over time to where it just became a part of my makeup. 00:38:49.000 |
Even in high school wanting to play ball and still being so small where I was like 5'5", 5'4", like 110 pounds. 00:38:57.000 |
And again in high school everybody else there was 6'1", 6'2", 180. 00:39:06.000 |
And so throughout our marriage, when we got married I brought this into our marriage. 00:39:10.000 |
And I was always trying to avoid the presentation of my weaknesses. 00:39:14.000 |
I just didn't want my wife to just know where I was weak. 00:39:18.000 |
And so what I would do is when she would see something in me, what would I do? 00:39:25.000 |
And she used to get frustrated because I would put her in all these twisty ties because I'm a pastor. 00:39:29.000 |
So I started using my language like, "Mm, this and that." 00:39:31.000 |
And she's like, "I don't understand it. After 10 minutes you talk around it. Now it's my problem. 00:39:35.000 |
And it was your problem. How did you always do that?" 00:39:44.000 |
And my wife was trying to be that ironing, sharpening iron. 00:39:51.000 |
But when she would talk about issues in my fatherly, I would get defensive and try to explain it away 00:39:59.000 |
When it came to my pastoral leadership, she would say, "Ah, maybe you need to look at this." 00:40:05.000 |
When it came to my role as a husband, I just couldn't recede from her. 00:40:09.000 |
And she would point this sin out in me constantly, day after day after day, year after year after year. 00:40:18.000 |
And it was really as I began to find and discover it was a result of my insecurities. 00:40:23.000 |
Just being an insecure man, that little boy still, that's trying to perform so that I can be recognized 00:40:38.000 |
And like an onion over the years, the Lord just used my wife to just peel away 00:40:48.000 |
And it really was like, "Man, oh wow. Okay. Oh, there's another one. Man, there's another one." 00:40:56.000 |
And I give my wife a lot of credit because a true friend sticks closer than a brother. 00:41:01.000 |
Now, with somebody like me, she was already done after year one. 00:41:06.000 |
She was like, "Dude, you are such a prideful individual." 00:41:13.000 |
And just presently there's an issue in our church where we're looking for a church move. 00:41:17.000 |
And a lot of complaining, a lot of where we're going to be, 00:41:21.000 |
and why is it that the leadership hasn't stepped up in the way that it should have. 00:41:25.000 |
And you guys should have been seeing this a long time ago and should have planned for it. 00:41:29.000 |
And now we're scrambling because of you guys' poor leadership. 00:41:32.000 |
So I'm just hearing a lot of things. And I'm feeling this sense of, "I've got to perform. 00:41:38.000 |
I'm going to show you guys. I'm going to show you guys. I can do this. I can do this." 00:41:43.000 |
And my wife, again, just paused and she said, "Ray, it's coming up again." 00:41:51.000 |
And I just remember looking. We were in my room and we were talking. 00:41:59.000 |
And I just said, "Honey, I'm more prideful than I realize. 00:42:04.000 |
And I'm telling you right now, I can't do this." 00:42:07.000 |
And for the first time, really, after 19 years of her walking me through this, 00:42:14.000 |
she looked at me and she says, "Now you got it. Now you got it. 00:42:19.000 |
And I still love you in your weakness, in your pride. 00:42:24.000 |
You don't have to perform for me. You just need to be who you really are." 00:42:30.000 |
And so I got up in front of the church and I told her the same thing. 00:42:35.000 |
I said, "You know what? I just have to tell you, I'm not the pastor that you guys think I am. 00:42:39.000 |
I'm just another. I'm so broken. I have so many limitations. 00:42:44.000 |
And I'm so weak. And so I'm telling you guys right now moving forward, 00:42:48.000 |
you just got to trust in the grace of God and His power in your weakness. That's it. 00:42:55.000 |
You see, if I didn't have a friend like my wife, who stuck with me, 00:43:03.000 |
a lot of my pride hurt her so deeply, so deeply. 00:43:09.000 |
And yet she still said, "I'll go to you. I got your back." 00:43:24.000 |
You see, I'm a better version of who I am today because of my wife. 00:43:33.000 |
I was always trying to fit in being a better dad, being a better husband, being a better pastor. 00:43:41.000 |
But as God began to remove the layers of pride, I began to be able to receive from my wife 00:43:57.000 |
And it was hard to hear the things that she had to say about my fatherhood. 00:44:01.000 |
I didn't have a father who really engaged me. He was there. 00:44:05.000 |
And I gave him credit for that. But he didn't engage me. 00:44:08.000 |
And my wife used to beat on my head all the time. 00:44:11.000 |
Like, "You got to go out there and throw the ball with that boy. 00:44:15.000 |
You got to go and take the girls out on dates. 00:44:20.000 |
I used to be like, "Man, why are you always on my head?" 00:44:25.000 |
My son, for Father's Day, just gave me a gift. 00:44:33.000 |
I just wanted to share with you. He wrote this. 00:44:38.000 |
I grew up in the '90s. He called it the '90s dad. 00:44:45.000 |
He said, "I grew up with a '90s dad, the best friend I ever had. 00:44:53.000 |
I said some stuff I regret, and boy, I get mad. 00:44:57.000 |
Thought about the arguments, too, but everything's put in perspective 00:45:02.000 |
when I remember that I'm nothing without you. 00:45:06.000 |
My pops was my mellow man, and I was always a fan. 00:45:11.000 |
I'll forever remember the good times, starting up the car, 00:45:19.000 |
My dad and I were like statics, constantly hitting equilibrium 00:45:26.000 |
Sometimes life was hard, with school and chores. 00:45:30.000 |
But Dad would always remind me that the world was yours. 00:45:33.000 |
Always wanted to wear his shoes, shorts, and his hats. 00:45:45.000 |
Anyone who'd come against us was biggity, biggity whack. 00:45:59.000 |
I love my old man, the little things he would do, even on Easter. 00:46:08.000 |
We will all be remembered for something one day, and that's true. 00:46:22.000 |
We come from the same blood, and I ain't talking about kindred or gang. 00:46:27.000 |
So one day, Dad, you're going to see how much I grew. 00:46:30.000 |
I ain't going to be perfect, but I'm going to be the best man people ever knew. 00:46:34.000 |
And one day, when you cross to the other side, 00:46:37.000 |
just know I'll be rolling with my kids, listening to "Far Side." 00:46:43.000 |
And boy, I'm going to have stories to tell when I reminisce over you. 00:47:05.000 |
My little girls, teenagers, they still kiss me. 00:47:12.000 |
I took my girls out on dates when they were little girls and told them, 00:47:15.000 |
"I'm your man. I'm always going to be your man." 00:47:23.000 |
And they still want to go out with Daddy to this day. 00:47:48.000 |
is to look at one another and get a glimpse of what God is creating and say, 00:47:52.000 |
"I see who God is making you, and it excites me. 00:48:04.000 |
And when you get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 00:48:12.000 |
I got glimpses in on her, but now look at you.'" 00:48:22.000 |
And that's what candor provides in a marriage. 00:48:32.000 |
if you're trying to perform in your marriage, just stop. 00:48:49.000 |
and create an environment where Adam and Eve had, 00:48:56.000 |
Allow for your spouse to be the broken self that they are. 00:49:00.000 |
Don't create an environment where they have to perform 00:49:03.000 |
so they can be free to say, "You know what, honey? 00:49:06.000 |
I know I have been falling short in this area, 00:49:08.000 |
but I'm just struggling and I'm having a hard time. 00:49:29.000 |
that will give you BFF status in your marriage. 00:49:49.000 |
We see in Genesis chapters 1, 26 and 28 as we read it. 00:50:07.000 |
and spread the glory of God to the rest of the world. 00:50:29.000 |
and it is not as easy to put into simple words. 00:50:39.000 |
This means that friendships are discovered more 00:50:58.000 |
and he gave an example, and he talked about that. 00:51:00.000 |
Having a common passion and how it brings you together 00:51:06.000 |
He goes on to say, "Lewis insisted that the essence 00:51:09.000 |
"of friendship is the exclamation, 'You too?' 00:51:14.000 |
"While erotic love can be depicted as two people 00:51:17.000 |
"looking at one another, friendship can be depicted 00:51:34.000 |
That's my question as you guys go into even questions 00:51:40.000 |
What is it that you are entranced by together 00:51:44.000 |
that is of eternal significance in your marriage? 00:51:54.000 |
because sometimes you've got to stop looking at each other. 00:51:58.000 |
Sometimes you're so busy looking at each other 00:52:00.000 |
that it's always this, "Well, you're not this," 00:52:06.000 |
and "Not like that." Stop doing all that and just do this. 00:52:10.000 |
What have we got that we can run after together 00:52:16.000 |
You see, God placed Adam and Eve in the garden, 00:52:25.000 |
And it drove their waking and their sleeping. 00:52:28.000 |
It occupied their heart, soul, and mind and strength, 00:52:31.000 |
and a common passion to spread the image of God 00:52:49.000 |
One of the most attractive things to her, for me, 00:52:55.000 |
and she wanted to live for Christ and Christ alone. 00:53:00.000 |
When I came side by side and my wife aspired, man, 00:53:03.000 |
it was like, "Okay, we're going to do this together 00:53:36.000 |
after everybody's out and everybody's flown to coop, 00:54:12.000 |
to live out a Genesis 1, 26 through 28 purpose? 00:54:29.000 |
The question is, how is he calling you guys together 00:54:42.000 |
As I conclude, what do we see Adam and Eve having? 00:54:47.000 |
They have a common passion, not an eternal one. 00:55:07.000 |
What does that help us to see, even in Genesis? 00:55:26.000 |
it's not going to be determined by sexual chemistry. 00:55:29.000 |
It's not going to be determined by common interests 00:55:32.000 |
like we like watching movies or we like going on hikes. 00:55:38.000 |
You want to have one that will last for a lifetime 00:55:47.000 |
Let that define your relationship and nothing else. 00:56:04.000 |
And if you guys can look at each other and say, 00:56:25.000 |
that you would deepen the friendships in this world. 00:56:30.000 |
That husband and wife would gain greater levels of friendship 00:56:37.000 |
And that you would do that by power of the Holy Spirit. 00:56:41.000 |
And that, Lord, for those that are wondering, 00:56:50.000 |
that you would begin to birth a common passion 00:56:59.000 |
the way you are uniquely calling them together 00:57:14.000 |
that are saying, "Yeah, I'm kind of waffling. 00:57:21.000 |
"Or, you know what, I'm just going to check out 00:57:23.000 |
"mentally and emotionally from this relationship. 00:57:28.000 |
"I'll stay married, but I'm not going to stay engaged." 00:57:32.000 |
God, I pray, Lord God, that you would move upon 00:57:43.000 |
than they have ever experienced of a constancy 00:57:47.000 |
in their resolve and their love toward their spouse. 00:58:00.000 |
to be a hallmark in every relationship you handle. 00:58:19.000 |
And so, God, I pray you break down whatever needs to 00:58:22.000 |
in every single heart to just be their true self. 00:58:25.000 |
But then, God, the second thing has to happen, 00:58:34.000 |
"I'm going to love you no matter how lovely you look." 00:58:37.000 |
And so, God, I pray that there be a heart of just acceptance, 00:58:43.000 |
"No matter what you look like, I'm going to be there."