How do you suggest parents deal with retorts and rudeness? And again, let's extend this to all relationships. So you get in your best mindset, and by the way, I love this I am thing. Two of the most important words in any language when translated to other languages. I am blank, I am a good this, or I am whatever role identity is key to the brain.

We know this. You go in and you say, I'm really sorry. I struggle to regulate my emotions. I believe that you're really upset. And the kid says, I hate you. Now, earlier you said that good boundaries are about not expecting a change in behavior from someone else, they're about our own boundaries.

So, or maybe the I hate you comes from, listen, we're not gonna go to so-and-so's house for a play date today. - Great example, I hate you. - I hate you. So is there ever a case for no response? - I mean, to me, the most underutilized parenting strategy is doing nothing, literally.

It's one of my most used strategies, 'cause there's like really good reason for it, especially in this situation. So I always, to me, I would say we have to understand before we intervene. So I know every parent's like, what do you do in that situation? But it's like trying to fix someone's tennis swing before you look at their tennis swing.

There could be a lot of problems. So again, why is a kid saying I hate you? And I would ask every parent to just keep this in mind. It's a tool, and you can't use it in real time. Eventually you can, but we have to say it at the end of the night.

When my kid said I hate you, what is my most generous interpretation of why he would say that to me? And if you're like any human, me included, by the way, like your least generous interpretation is immediate. You're like, because he's a sociopath. Like that's what we say all the time.

We're like, wow, or because he's like a horrible kid, 'cause he's spoiled, 'cause he's nasty. It comes easily, so that's fine. But what is my most generous interpretation? And when I don't know, I'll push myself to say, okay, well, like I was in a situation with my husband. What would lead me to say that?

I don't know, what would lead you to say that to someone? - That I hate them? - Yeah, like they say something to you like, hey, Andrew, we're not gonna be able to do this dinner. - It would have to be some sort of deep betrayal of trust. And I have to acknowledge that if I said that to somebody that I really care about or love, as I'm saying I hate you, what I'm really saying is I love you so much, and that hurts unbelievably at such an unbelievable intensity that what's coming out of my mouth says, I hate you, because if you didn't love them.

- That's right. - It would have no effect. It would be a meh, it would be a meh, but instead it's a, ugh, it hurts. So we somehow there's a neural circuit in there that goes, you know, I whatever, insert expletive, hate you. - That's right. - But what you're really saying is I love you so much.

- Yeah. - And as a consequence, that thing you did or said hurts so much. - That's right. And so I think that's like exactly what's going on for a kid. Or like, to me, my most generous interpretation in a simple way is my kid, when I said we couldn't go to this friend's house that he thought we were going to, his friend he was gonna sleep over, he had like so built it up in his mind.

He'd like, probably like kids do, like they have this whole image. Oh, and then we're gonna do this and this. And like the letdown was so intense. And again, I go back to kids have all the feelings we have and they're born with none of the skills. So it takes a lot of, it takes like a pretty well-developed skill to be really disappointed, by the way, and surprised, right, in the moment, and like manage it in like a mature way.

I'm sure we both know adults who aren't really capable of doing that, right? So the fact that my seven-year-old is doing that. So if I think about it that way, we latch onto our kids' words as if they're the truth. They're not the truth. It's not to say they don't matter, but they're not the truth.

The truth is whatever world is under the words. Like I'm disappointed and I don't know how to manage that. So if I think about the outcome, like where do I wanna be? What I would love in that situation. 'Cause the truth is when I say to my kid, sorry, we can't go to Bobby's house.

I wouldn't even want, it's not normal for my kid to be like, oh, no problem. Because like, I'm just picturing my 25-year-old like trying to get a job and being like, mom, oh, I didn't get it. And then he's like, no problem. I'm like, that's kind of weird. Like, really?

Like, that's weird. I'd want you to be disappointed. And so what I want my kid to be able to do is to be like, I don't know, what's the best to get? It's like, oh man, I was really looking forward to that. That's like ultimate maturity. So how do I get from I hate you to, oh man, I was really like, you know, looking forward to that.

All the things we wanna do just like don't even make sense. Like sending my kid to their room saying like, you're such a nasty kid. I've never seen any of your friends say that to their parents. And I'm good at acting these things out. Because of course, I say these things too.

But all I'm doing is basically telling my kid the version of themselves I don't want them to be. So now I'm further away from that outcome. Just not effective. My kid obviously literally needs to learn some of those skills and practice them. We don't think about simulations with kids nearly enough.

We know that in sports. People practice all the time. We don't do that with emotion regulation. So what do I do in the moment? I think the best question here is what do I do outside the moment to help my kid build the skills so they actually have more of a skill the next time that moment comes?

Still, I'm a pragmatist. What do I do in the moment? I hate you. I probably would do nothing first. When someone is rude to you and they say something nasty, I don't know, I just like this is one, this is my son, this is me. My son just hurled I hate you.

It's like sitting between us. When we say back to them like, you know, I hate you or like go to your room. We take all the energy from what they said and we just like throw it. And then like we have this ping pong match. When you do nothing, I always picture if this is like I hate you, it just sits between us.

My kid has a much higher chance of kind of reowning what they just said because I'm just kind of sturdy in that moment because I didn't just take it from them and say something to them, which just gives them the opportunity to like take what I said and have no responsibility for the first thing they said.

It's always true in adults. When someone says to you like something nasty, if you actually just stay there, they're kind of like, oh, shoot. Like I shouldn't have said that because like it's right there. So I'd probably say nothing. Now, a couple, I don't know if I'd really do that, but I'd want to do that.

Let me be clear. Something else you can say in that moment, which takes a lot of presence so it's not gonna happen right away, is just something like, whoa. Like clearly you're disappointed. I get that. I believe you. And I know there's another way you can say that to me.

That's actually right back to family jobs. I'm validating and I'm setting kind of a boundary in some ways. Like I know maybe there's a hope there too. Like I know there's another way. If my kid keeps saying, I hate you, I hate you. You're the worst, you're the worst.

I'm gonna say, listen, I love you. You're a good kid. You're having a hard time. I really won't stay in your room while you keep saying this to me. And part of that is 'cause it's not good for you either. Like this isn't a good dynamic. I'm gonna step outside.

I'm gonna come back. And we can talk about it when we're both in a place where we can be a little more respectful or something like that, right? I don't have to be a punching bag. But at least now I'm helping my kid see that he is having a feeling under these words.

If I can't differentiate the feeling from the behavior, how can I expect my kid to ever learn to differentiate those two? Which is how my kid can actually get to a more regulated place. - Thank you for tuning in to the Huberman Lab Clips channel. If you enjoyed the clip that you just viewed, please check out the full length episode by clicking here.