During our last class period together, we began talking about some of the questions that could be asked in gathering good information, gathering good data, asking appropriate questions, listening carefully. And we gave you some examples from a problem-centered approach and that is questions, the whole series of questions that are zeroed around particular problems that husbands and wives have and that they face.

Now, we're transitioning to questions of more positive perspective. And let's take a look at a few of these. These are very helpful in counseling as well. What ways do you seek to show that you care or love or appreciate your spouse or that other member of the family, your parents, if you were addressing the children, or your children if you're addressing the parents.

What ways do you seek to show that you care, you love, and you appreciate that particular person? This is also a good question if you have parents who are favoring one child over another. And that happens frequently. The child that's not being favored, and what ways do you seek to show that you really favor or at least love that person?

Well, let's go back to the marriage. Then what attracted you to your spouse is another question. What were some of the things that attracted you? I mean, at this particular point in your marriage, maybe all you see is that which is negative. You see all the negative things that's going on in their life and that's repulsive to you.

So you have a difficulty respecting them and you have a difficulty loving them. And I think we've talked about a little bit how respect in romantic love, this is only in romantic love, respect always precedes love. All right? Respect always precedes love in romantic love. Now, that isn't true in other types of love because the Bible says that we can, Jesus says there on the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, 43 through 48, that we can even love our neighbors, not just love our neighbors, but love our enemies.

And I don't know anybody that respects their enemies. So in that particular case, that kind of love, which is not a romantic type of love, doesn't necessarily assume or preclude, is precluded by respect. However, romantic love is. If there's going to be a romantic love, you always respect that person before you love them.

There are some marriages, however, who a husband or a wife or possibly both of them have lost respect for one another. And so it's very difficult for them to think about anything positive about their spouse. Now, that hasn't always been true. They wouldn't have married that person if there wasn't something positive about them.

So way back, what was it that you saw in your spouse that was positive? What did you like? What attracted you to that particular individual? That's a good question. Number three, tell us some fun times that you've had or fun things that you've done. What have you done that has been fun in the past?

Sometimes in my undergraduate classes, I try to encourage inter-gender relationships there at the college. And so I tell them I give extra credit for girls and guys who date master's college students, all right? And they always want to know how much that credit is and, you know, and how many points do I get if I do this?

What's it? >> I'm dating one. >> You are. Yeah, you're dating one also, see? See, they get extra credit. But usually what I'm referring to is life credit, not points. They get life credit. They get a lot of credit. That's pretty serious credit for doing that. Now, don't tell them that.

Yes, you both are dating one of them, okay? See, there you go. And they'll get a lot of life credit for that. So when they look back upon their relationship, every couple at one particular point or another had some really fun times. Well, what happened during those fun times?

What did you do? What -- and there are some people that are just in this mindset of thinking so negatively about their spouse, it's very difficult for them to remember those times. But once you get them thinking back through those times and remembering some of those good times, that doesn't solve all the problems.

But that does help them to begin to think that, yes, there is a possibility where this relationship is worth saving. It certainly would be a God-honoring thing for me to save this relationship and to work hard at making sure it was saved. And then, again, while we still have our mind thinking about what has happened in the past, looking back, what have you appreciated about your marriage or your spouse?

What have you appreciated about them? Well, they've always told me the truth. That's good. Always told me the truth. Even though I haven't liked it, I'm good. I don't think they've ever lied to me. That's good. That's a good thing. They've always been faithful to our marriage, at least physically.

I'll say to you, well, that's good. That's a positive thing. What have you really appreciated about them? Well, he or she has a good head for figures. They keep the books. They keep the finances of the home. And I appreciate that because I'm not so good at that. Or he or she is a mechanic.

Or they love to fix things. And I really appreciate that because I'm not really good at fixing things, like the automobile or the car. Or he or she has a good sense of style. I never know what to wear, and they always help me what I need to wear out in public.

So they have a good sense of style. Do you help Andrew out with his style? Oh, yeah. You do. That's a good seminary wife. You'll be doing that a lot in ministry. You say, you're not going to wear that to that conference. No, no, no, not that tie and coat combination.

There's got to be something in it. You made him change his tie today? That's good. That's good. That's really good. And that almost borders on a sin thing, doesn't it? I know, when it clashes. But it's not sin, but it borders on it. That's right. So let them look back.

Let them point out those areas of their spouse that they really like, some things that they really appreciate. Let them think those things through. That sometimes is really helpful in getting them to think good thoughts instead of the negative, pessimistic, God-dishonoring thoughts about their spouse that they seem to get stuck in.

Or here's another one. What's the nicest thing that your spouse ever did for you? What's the nicest thing they ever said to you? If they have a problem, then I start talking about, what about birthdays? What about Christmas holidays? What about early on during your anniversary? They ever do nice things for you?

They ever do special things for you? What were they? We're zeroing in and taking a look at some of these positive things. Or number six, in what ways have you seen your marriage relationship grown since you were married? Now, hopefully, they're going to point to something that's good. Well, I've seen it grow in this area.

We're stronger off financially than we used to be, they may say. We have more kids. That's certainly true. I've seen our family grow. So in what ways? Or I have a better understanding of sin because of my spouse. They may say that. I've had people say that. Or number seven, in years that you've been married, what have you done to make marriage successful?

Now we, in a sense, put the shoe on the other foot. It's not what their spouse has done for them. Now we're sort of asking them, what have you done in order to make your marriage successful? Well, I've tried to do the right thing, you'll hear. I've prayed an awful lot about the marriage.

Well, that's good. I've tried to remain faithful at church. Well, that's good, too. What other things have you done in order to make your marriage a success? I've tried not to return evil for evil. That's good. What is successful? And what's successful in your eyes, but then what's successful in God's eyes?

What would God say would be successful? What would he say, wow, this was really something positive that you contributed to this marriage? Number eight, tell me about some of your first time experiences. Maybe it's when the two of you began to see each other, or you began dating, or you began courting.

Tell me about some of those first time experiences. What happened? Earlier, I was teaching a class over at the college today, and it's actually a classroom full of girls. We've got mostly girls in the class. And they were really curious on how my wife and I met each other.

And so I told the story of how we met each other. Actually, my wife knew my sister in college. And she needed a ride to a nearby town, Springfield, Ohio, actually, not far from where we went to school, in order to catch a bus to go home for the weekend.

Now effectively, she was going home to break up with her high school sweetheart. But at that particular time, I didn't know that. So she said to my sister, you know, I need a ride to this town. My sister said, well, you know, I think my brother has a car.

And I had a really fancy 1963 Ford Fairlane with big fins. It was robin's egg blue, and it leaked oil like a sieve. I had some kind of semblance of a vehicle. It was a glorified go-kart, is what it was. So one day when I was walking through the cafeteria line, Janie, who is now my wife, was standing behind the cafeteria line.

And she says to me, I need to go to Springfield to catch a bus to go home for the weekend. Would you be willing to take me there at this particular time so I can catch this bus? Now, I was faced with a horrible dilemma at that point, because part of my major was pastoral studies at the time.

So I was taking a Greek class. And the very time that she wanted to go was during that Greek class. And the professor was a guy by the name of Dr. George Lawler. And Dr. George Lawler was one of those old-fashioned professors. He always wore a three-piece suit and cuff links and always had a really nice tie on.

And he'd never stand up and teach. He always sat down and teach. And when we translated Greek, it was a Greek exegesis class, he would always require the student-- and he never referred to the student as by their first name. He always referred to them by their last name.

Mr. Street, would you please stand and translate the next 10 verses for us? Parse all the verbs and participles. And you're going, oh. So you'd stand up with your Greek text. And your Greek text would be shaking like this. And you'd go through and start translating and parsing all the verbs and the participles.

And he would always let you know when you messed up. So you never, you never skipped Dr. Lawler's Greek class. So I had this huge dilemma. Pretty girl, Greek class. Pretty girl, Greek class. Which do I choose? This is horrible. This is very, very difficult to make a choice.

Well, pretty girl won out. There you go. Pretty girl ran out. Yes. Won out. And when she won out, I ended up taking her to Springfield. And on the way up there, we had such a great conversation. I'm thinking to myself, wow, I really need to ask her out.

I don't know how to do this. And so we went to the bus station. And there were some kind of unseemly guys there. And so I just sat with her until the bus showed up and made sure she got on the bus. And as she's getting on the bus, I somewhat said in a clumsy way, oh, by the way, I'll send you a bill for this.

And she kind of looked really surprised. She says, OK. So she went ahead and got on the bus and headed home for the weekend. So I drove back to the dorm, and I thought, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? So I got a piece of paper and made out in hand calligraphy, do one date for John Street's taxi service.

All right. Put it in a little envelope and sent it to her in inter-campus mail. And after I sent it to her, I thought, oh, this is really corny. Oh, this is really corny. She's going to think this is really crazy. So I went back to the inter-campus mail.

I said to the guy, listen, I need that thing back. All right. You need to give it back to me. And the guy says, I'm sorry, sir. I can't do that. I said, this is not the US mail system. This is just a little inter-campus mail system. Give me my envelope back.

No, I'm sorry, sir. It's got to go through. Once you put it in there, it's got-- oh, I'm going. Oh, man. OK. Well, that's the last time I'll ever hear from her. So the weekend went by, two or three days into the next week. And all of a sudden, I get this thing in the mail.

And it's an envelope. And I open it up. And there's a check for a million dollars worth of fund at the next basketball game. And that was our first date. And we still have those two pieces of paper. All right. I'm still cashing that check. So that was our first date.

And then our second date, we doubled with my roommate in college. My roommate was engaged to be married. And we went out to get pizza. And on the way there, back in those days-- this was early 1970s. That really dates me now, doesn't it? And you thought I was only 25.

I know. Well, early 1970s, and we were on our way to get pizza. And back in those days, you didn't even have to wear your seat belt. And they had bench seats in the car. And so his fiance is sitting real close to him in the front of the car.

And he's driving. And Janie and I are in back seat at either ends of the back seat, OK? So we're on the way. And his fiance leans over to him and says to him, I love you. Just loud enough where we could hear it in the back seat. And so I kind of looked over to Janie and I said, what did she say?

And Janie looked at me and said, I love you. No, no, no, what did she say? So on the second date, she told me she loved me. I figure I had to marry her after that. So that's our first two dates. That's what happened. Now, every-- don't cry. Every couple has stories like that.

They have stories like that. And I'm sure if we went around, you guys could share your own stories with your wives on stuff that you remember and how you guys got together, and some of the fond things that you remember and some things you remember for the rest of your life.

Those are really great stories. Well, when you're counseling a couple, they usually have stories like that. And it's really good to get to know their history. So ask them, tell me about some of your first time experiences. Describe them for me. What were you thinking at that particular time?

Well, I thought that she was really, really a gorgeous gal. I believed that he was really, really handsome guy. Now look what's happened to him. But what was going on? What happened in your relationship that helps you to get to know where they're coming from? That's not bad. That's a good thing.

Then once you're able to establish some of those things that are more positive, then you can move slowly in the history of their relationship to where things began to go wrong. Where did this relationship start to get derailed? There are probably signs way early in the relationship, maybe even back before they were married, and how they were dealing with their problems that were signs or indicators of how they were going to derail a relationship later on.

Well, what was going on? Help them to identify those patterns. Because if they're able to identify those patterns, then that will help to ensure the fact that they won't fall into that in the future if they're aware of them. This is the way we would wrongly deal with these patterns.

Here's the right way to deal with these patterns. So number four. Then respond to your counselees in such a way that fuller disclosure and understanding really is facilitated. And this is what we call sometimes facilitated responses. There's nothing technically or biblical about that term. It's just a descriptive way of saying those kind of ways that you deal with your counselees to cause them to open up, to be more genuine with you, to share more of their lives with you.

To the degree that they trust you is the degree that they'll share their lives with you. To the degree that they believe that you have their long-term welfare in mind is the degree that they will share their life with you. That's when you know that they are really seeking help is when they're being genuinely open.

Let me describe for you the general description of facilitated responses. What we're talking about here is they are responses which the counselor communicates verbally and non-verbally, that he's heard what the counselee has said, he's heard what the counselee means, and he's heard what the counselee feels, how they're experiencing their problems.

He's heard what they've said. He's heard what they've meant. And he hears what they feel. Facilitated responses are really characterized by three basic things. One is empathy, reflecting accurately and fully the counselee's surface feelings. That's really empathy. This person is discouraged, or this person is hopeless. There's a sense of hopelessness that abides.

This person is deeply regretful, or maybe even full of guilt over what has happened in their marriage or happened in their home. Another aspect of it has to do with the issue of respect. We come back to that issue again. It communicates the acceptance of the counselee as a person, as a person created in the image of God.

So we're not going to demean anyone. We're not going to run them down. We're not going to let other people run them down during this counseling. And that's easy to do, because you get a very verbal husband or get a very verbal wife. And sometimes they'll want to spend-- they use counseling as a means to vent all of their hard feelings.

And you cannot let that happen in counseling. You're not going to get your counselees back if you let that happen. Counseling is not to be turned into something that's destructive. Counseling is always to be aimed in that which is godly or constructive, not destructive. And you're demonstrating respect for both that husband and wife or the people that are members of that particular family when you accept them as a real person and that they have every right to contribute to what's going on here in this counseling process.

I remember not long after I had finished training, my first training course on biblical counseling, I was a very young associate pastor. And I had a man and his wife come in with their 25-year-old daughter. And there was a major division between that daughter and her parents. And during that counseling session-- in fact, you can research this in the Journal of Biblical Counseling.

It's all written up there for posterity's sake. It was written up back in the mid-1990s. That counseling session was an absolute total failure from God's perspective and from my perspective because I let that father totally and totally, verbally destroy that daughter in that counseling session. And I shouldn't have let that happen because I didn't communicate any kind of respect for her by letting that happen.

He used the counseling session as a way to vent all this bad feelings. And she had enough faults. There's no doubt about that. But she wasn't the only one. The parents had plenty of problems themselves. They had contributed to what had gone on here. But if you would have listened to that particular session and walked out, you probably would have concluded that she's the only one that's at fault here.

And the parents have not contributed anything to this. Yes? How would have I changed, you mean, my response to them? I would have-- the greatest word in counseling, by the way, at least in English, is whoa. All right? You may have a similar expression in Italian. What? All right.

Well, in English, it's whoa. I love that. It's the greatest word in counseling because I would have said, whoa, stop, halt. All right? We're not going to do that to one another in counseling. In fact, from that point on, I don't think I've ever-- after that first counseling point, I've ever allowed that to happen again.

Because I lost that gal. I lost her when that happened. Now, was the father saying things that were true about her? Yes, majority of things that he was saying was true. But the way that he was saying them was all wrong. He was using this to beat her into the ground with it.

And it shouldn't have happened. And I shouldn't have allowed it to happen. So you say, stop. We're not going to do that. This is a violation of Ephesians 4:29 that says we're only supposed to say things that build up one another, not tear one another down. And I don't care whether you believe what you're saying is true or not.

That's not the issue at this point. It's the way that you're saying things that makes this so wicked. So you stop right now. Now, if I would have done that in that counseling session, I think that I probably would have won that gal's heart. And I would have been able to work through a reconciliation with her parents.

But I didn't do that. I let that father intimidate me. I let him command the session. And that shouldn't have happened. Because he had major problems himself. So this is why you've got to respect your counselees. And that means sometimes you have to stand up for them. If you have someone who is being ganged up on or piled up on in a counseling session, you've got to go after the members who are doing this.

Say, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going to accomplish anything by piling up on this person. And I think there's plenty of biblical evidence for this. God cares for the helpless. And in this particular case, this is a person who is helpless. And you're letting someone gang up on them.

The last area of facilitated response is the concept of warmth, showing attentiveness and caring through nonverbal means. You've got to be willing to do that. Showing them that you care. If you're constantly reading your Bible or taking notes or distracted by other things, and you're not involved with what's going on, you're not making eye contact with your counselee, and letting them know that you empathize with what is happening in their life, you'll lose them as a counselee.

There has to be a certain nonverbal means of showing them that you really care. I think this is expressed in the little phraseology that's used in Ephesians 4.32, when he talks about being tender-hearted. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted. The word tender-hearted there is literally the Greek word tender-bowled, but it has to do with emotions.

Good Christians are tender emotionally. That's good. I think good pastors have a tender emotion. That's a good thing. They're not the CEO types who aren't unaffected by anything around them. No, no, no. The CEO types do not make good shepherds. Where they're hard, cold, factual. No, no, no, we have to be tender-hearted, tender-bowled.

Sometimes some translations translate it compassionate, and that speaks to the issue of emotions. We have to be warm with people. Some people have a problem with that. They have a problem with being warm with other people. Sometimes this is true of all of us. We want to communicate a biblical concept or some kind of teaching from Scripture so bad that we push aside all the emotional elements of the counseling and drive right after the opportunity to teach this truth.

And we're basically in the process, I don't care how good that truth is, you're basically communicating to your counseling, I don't really care about you. I just want to care about dumping my truckload of truth on you. I don't care about you. That does not create facilitated responses. In fact, you'll see your counselees close up.

They'll withdraw. You can almost physically see the barriers going up when that happens. One of the things I do when we're supervising counselors, especially for certification, is we require them to turn in DVDs of their counseling. They have to at least produce four DVDs where I have an opportunity to watch them counsel and watch how they interact with counselees, which gives me more than just a written statement.

It helps me to see how they are dealing with people and whether or not people believe that the counselee is really there for their welfare and all of those nonverbal issues show up. How warm are they? How caring are they? How respectful are they? How empathetic are they? All of that encourages facilitated responses.

Now generally, that's what we're talking about. Let's talk about this specifically. Specific descriptions of facilitated responses. They are responses that include instances in which the counselor's reflection of the counselee's statements are so similar to the counselee's statements that the two could be interchanged. They're not identical, you understand, but they are similar.

And I'll do this frequently in counseling where if a counselee shares something that's going on in their life and I've labored fairly hard to try to understand what's happening, then I may say to them, okay, pause for a minute. Whoa, again. Let me share with you what I hear you saying and you tell me whether I'm right or wrong.

Here's what I hear you saying. And I'll put it in my own words. I won't try to repeat verbally, word for word what they say so that they know that I'm kind of, in a sense, pouring this through my own grid. I'm thinking through it myself. And they may say to me, oh, yeah, that's right on.

That's exactly it. In fact, sometimes a counselee will say to me, you said it better than I did. That's it. Well, it's because I've had an opportunity to listen to them and I've synthesized what they're saying down, make it more succinct and concise. Or sometimes a counselee will say to me, no, no, no, that's not it.

That's not it. You missed it. This is what I'm saying. And that's very helpful to me. I'm very open to that. I want them to give me that feedback. Because I may be totally thinking in a different direction based upon their words, which is an entirely different meaning that they have.

Their meaning is this direction and I'm going this direction. And all of a sudden now I realize I've got to turn around and head this direction. All right, now tell me how that is. And then the counselee corrects me. And then I repeat back to them what I hear them saying.

Oh, yeah, now you got it, they'll say. That's a facilitated response. Now you say, now I'm beginning to see that counseling is much more than just sitting down with somebody, praying with them and sharing the Bible. Oh, yeah. It has to, real good counseling. It actually takes place within the context of a broader established relationship that we have shared together in Christ.

That's where good counseling takes place. Furthermore, facilitated responses begin with listening and observing, responding to verbal and nonverbal clues. Listening and observing and responding to verbal and nonverbal clues. At some particular point when I begin to talk and share with the counselee what's going on and I see them grimace, they kind of get this look on their face like, I'll say to them, okay, what did I just say that made you do that?

Which shows that I'm immediately responsive to what's going on. Or they kind of look at me like, huh? What's going? Then I'm immediately saying to them, did I say something you don't understand? Oh, yeah. Well, let me correct that. So I'm right there. There's immediate feedback that they receive that I understand that they're lost.

I've totally lost them. I'm not being clear. Also, facilitated responses provide nonthreatening atmosphere for the counselee to express himself. They know that they can say just about anything they want and I'm not gonna come down on 'em. Or I'm not gonna start pointing at 'em and say, you're a sinner.

No, no, they can share whatever they want and then we're gonna patiently and carefully and lovingly go to the word of God and see what the word of God says about this. Furthermore, facilitated responses avoid the use of certain verbal behaviors such as sarcasm, ridicule, or mockery. You know, there are some people who have developed sarcasm as an art form in communication.

You can almost see them, oh, really? I just thought you were the most intelligent person on the earth. Well, they mean that sarcastically. They've developed it in an art form. It's hard for them to talk without sarcasm. Other people have done that also with ridicule. They know how to politely ridicule another person or mock another person and they blame it on trying to be funny.

Well, that's an area that you as a pastoral counselor must avoid. Don't do that. Sarcasm, ridicule, mockery is something that will drive your counselees off. In every case, a counselor who does that is really coming from a high, exalted, lifted up position. It's a very condescending way to deal with people.

That's not the way that people who are good counselors should respond to their counselees. Fifth, facilitated responses also encourage self-exploration, discovery, and understanding. And this is such an important point because on this particular point, this essentially says that your counselees don't always know everything that's going on in their lives.

But through the process of counseling and being very open with you, they actually stumble on and discover things about themselves that they never knew before. They actually discover that on their own. That's one of the things that makes Rogerian therapy work. Carl Rogers' premise is that the counselor doesn't give any directive counsel at all, but just allows the counselee to sort of express his or her own internal thoughts.

And eventually, they'll discover the answer to their problem within themselves. They don't know what it is, but the counselor helps them to get in touch with that kind of thing. Now, we believe that the answer is in Scripture, in God, so I'm not advocating the ends of that therapy.

But part of the, truth is always parasitic, or error is always parasitic on the truth, I should say it like that. Error is always parasitic on the truth. There's a little bit of truth to the system, and a little bit of the truth of the Rogerian system is the fact that people, through their own talking and expressing themselves and feeling free to express themselves, do learn things about themselves that they never knew before.

And sometimes that's the case. Facilitated responses, feeling free to express themselves without being condemned, without being judged, without being ridiculed, without being mocked, enables a person to discover certain things about themselves that they never thought would be true. So, so make sure that these facilitated responses sort of encourage self-exploration.

Number six, not only that, but facilitated responses give people the rare experience of being understood by another person. Some people never had that type of relationship before, especially in the church with someone else who's a Christian or who comes along and wants to biblically counsel them, or even a pastor.

The rare experience of being understood by another person. Some people have been raised in households where their opinion counted for absolutely nothing. Their mother didn't appreciate their opinions, their father didn't appreciate their opinions, their siblings didn't appreciate their opinions, or maybe they're in a marriage where their spouse or other people in the family don't appreciate their opinion.

Whatever the case may be, nobody takes time to really understand them. And so this is their first opportunity to really be understood by somebody else. It's a loving and caring response. Number seven, facilitated responses also largely avoid the use of closed questions, in that closed questions tend to, and then we have several responses to that.

Let's pick up here about these facilitated responses that largely avoid the use of closed questions, in that closed questions tend to be, first of all, they tend to create a dependency relationship. Closed questions artificially guide your counselee to answers, because they demand a yes or no answer. And so they become, your counselee that is, becomes dependent on those particular questions.

Oh, you're gonna guide me at this particular point. You're gonna show me what I need to do here, rather than them revealing what they are doing so that they can change and come in line with what the word of God says. We don't wanna create dependency relationships. That's not what we wanna do.

If anything, rather than teaching them to be dependent upon you, what you're trying to do is you're trying to teach them to be dependent upon the word. Now, I realize that early in counseling, when a person first comes in and they're having major marital problems, they'll cling to you as their hope, okay?

And that's okay, that's not bad at the beginning, for them to cling to you, all right? They've gotta cling to something, because they may be absolutely hopeless, and you are the one in the counseling room, you're the only one that has any hope. So they'll cling to your hope, that's okay.

But if they continue to remain clinging to your hope, then we've got problems. You gotta, in a sense, peel their fingers off of you and help them cling to the hope of the word of God. That's where they need to find their answers. Not from you, but from the word of God on their own.

So we're in, the counseling process is removing their clinging hands from you to placing it upon the word. So closed questions tend to undermine that. They tend to create a dependency relationship. That's not what we want. Furthermore, B, they also tend to produce unrealistic expectations on the part of the projects, or on the part of the counselee.

It projects the counselor as an expert and an answer giver. We're the expert, and we're gonna tell you what to do. Wow. I don't want my counselee to think of me as an expert. I want them to think of me as a fellow believer in Christ who has struggles, too, but hopefully knows a little bit more about the word of God and will help them to find the answers in the word of God.

I would far prefer that kind of a view. Now we've got something. But you're not the answer. You're not going to be the priest or the final authority that's going to give them their answers to all their problems. That's not what we're after. Furthermore, closed questions place responsibility for problem solving on the counselor instead of where it should be, that is on the counselee.

That's really where it should be. Responsibility for problem solving has to be on the counselee. You're not there to solve all their problems. In fact, you can't solve all their problems. They've got to learn to solve their problems using the word of God. So you're constantly having to shift that responsibility for problem solving where they're looking to you to solve all their problems back upon them, teaching them how to use the word of God the right way, hermeneutically, to solve their problems using the right scriptures, to think the right things, desire the right things, crave the right things, do the right things, as counselees.

Furthermore, closed questions tend to reduce active involvement of the counselee in the solution of his or her problems. They tend to reduce any kind of active involvement. It really, the bottom line is, when you have closed questions, it produces the type of a counselee who is really lazy and really leans on or relies upon you for all the answers.

We don't want that. Closed questions also reduce the counselee's acceptance of responsibility for his or her behavior. And when you do that, then that's what they carry back into life. Now, really, hope begins to return to a marriage that's willing, when you've got a husband and wife that's willing to accept responsibility for their own feelings and actions.

When that happens, a brand new freedom opens up to them to be able to respond to their spouse in the right way. But as long as they define their spouse or their home or their family or their children as creating an environment that forces them to act the way they do, as long as they keep defining the responsibility being upon my environment, my spouse, my kids, as long as that's the case, they will never ever really change.

And they will continue to lose hope because if everybody around me and what they're doing to me defines me, then I have no really hope for change because I'm totally at the mercy of what they do. But people don't define me. What really defines me is my choices, how I respond to what people do.

People can say unloving, hateful, mean things to me, and that can hurt, but how do I respond to that? I have a choice at that particular point. I don't have to respond to it in like manner, hatefully, mean, unloving, I don't have to do that. I can respond to them in a caring, loving way.

So when you have closed questions in a counseling context, it reduces the counselee's acceptance of responsibility for his or her behavior. Furthermore, closed questions reduce counselee self-exploration too, which is the opposite of what we talked about a little bit earlier, where the more open questions help them to explore, it encourages more facilitated responses, and it encourages more self-exploration.

Are there attitudes in my life that are harmful to our marital relationship that I don't even realize that I have? Ways that I respond to my wife, ways that I respond to my husband, they can become so habitual, I don't even realize that I'm doing that. What are those, and how can I see those?

How can I learn those things? So closed questions tend to inhibit that kind of exploration. Furthermore, closed questions create a lazy, inattentive counselee because the counselee doesn't have to think as hard. Now, I've already suggested that just a little bit earlier, but it sort of puts their mind in neutral.

Lazy counselees don't grow very much, and they don't grow very quickly, and it is a lazy counselee that will be a counselee for a long, long time. So make sure that you're going to use questions that facilitate good responses. They don't inhibit good responses. Furthermore, have couples or families then discuss controversial topics in the counseling room.

Boy, you'll really begin to see, once this family trusts you as a counselor, you'll begin to see what's really going on in that marriage or in that home when finally you throw out a controversial topic and you begin to see how all the biblical guidelines and all the rules of communication are thrown out the window.

We'll talk a little bit later on about four rules of communication that I think are real effective in just helping people that have fallen into habit, terrible habit patterns, helping them institute those things in the home. But bring up a controversial issue, a thing that they haven't settled that you know is hard for them and let them begin to discuss it in front of you.

You'll learn a lot about what's going on there. Then give data gathering homework that can be completed between sessions. You'll learn a lot from this homework. You'll learn a lot just by virtue of the fact that sometimes it's incomplete or they don't see the homework as important to their change.

Sometimes there's published materials. Wayne Max has his homework volumes. Volumes, materials like preparing marriage for God's way. There's a lot of data gathering there, strengthening your marriage, your family God's way. Data gathering inventory forms. You can get this in the back of a lot of J. Adams books as well.

Yes. >> What kind of homework do you give them when you're pre-counseling? >> When you what? >> When you're pre-counseling. >> Pre-counseling? >> Yeah, when you know that the counselee is not saved and they come to you for counsel. >> Oh, oh, what kind of homeworks do we give during pre-counseling if the counselee's not saved?

All we send it around the gospel. We send them home studying passages about the gospel. Sometimes even the Roman's Road. We'll take them through the Roman's Road. Help them to understand it. We'll list a bunch of passages of scripture. In fact, many times I'll take a Bible. If they don't have one, I'll give it to them.

And then I'll take little sticky notes and I'll stick them in different places in the Bible and write references down. And I want them to read them this week and interact with them. And I'll give them good tracks like John Blanchard's material that's translated in several different languages. His tracks on ultimate questions.

So I'll give them material like that to go home and read. And I'll say to them, listen, I want you to read this through and I want you to take a highlighter and highlight maybe four or five of the most important statements in this particular booklet. And we'll come back together and discuss them.

So that's the kind of homework that we'll do with them. All right. Then we've got data gathering inventory forms as well, like there are common ways that husbands and wives sin against each other. You can actually develop some of these on your own or fail or offend. Deep friendship inventory.

Understanding marriage biblically. How to be your wife's lover. How to be your husband's lover. 50 questions for husbands and wives to ask themselves. 50 questions for husbands to ask. I think that repeats itself there twice. It shouldn't be there. Role concepts, how they view roles. Sometimes some of that homework you can also find in Wayne Mack's Preparing for Marriage God's Way, which is a really good book.

And I use that frequently in premarital counseling. So there's a host of different materials that you can use in order to gather good data. And you can customize a lot of material as well. Like you can send them home with lists, like thank lists. What are they thankful for?

Prayer lists or confession lists. Or there can be journals, like a heart journal or a thought journal or a fear journal. Or sometimes I refer to them as a hate journal. Grab your Bible just for a moment. Let's go over to Romans chapter 12. And verse nine. There Paul says, let love be without hypocrisy.

Abhor what is evil and cling to what is good. The word abhor is the word hate. It's the same word. It can be just as legitimately translated hate. And I like to use that as an acrostic. Let me see if I can show this to you on the board here.

H-A-T-E. Christians need to hate more, all right? That'd be a good sermon for you guys to preach. Christians need to hate more. Because everybody's preaching about Christians need to love more. We need to hate sin more. Now, when they get angry at their spouse, or they get irritated with their spouse, or frustrated with their spouse, or upset because of something their spouse has done, and they know that they respond to that in a very sinful way, then you need to help them to journal.

Number one, here. They need to answer the question in their journal. What happened? It's the first question they need to answer. What happened? Just tell us the circumstances. What went on? Number two. In their journal, you want them to also list how did you act? In their journal, you want them to also list how did you act?

How did you act? How did you respond to what happened to you when your spouse yelled at you? When you had that argument over finances? How did you act? Or, number three, get them to journal and answer this question. What? Well, it would be better to say here. What were you doing?

What were you thinking at the time? Or, kind of as a subset to that, what did you want? What did you crave? What do you desire more than anything else? That helps them to reflect upon their own mind, their own thought life. And then, last of all, you want them to answer what is excellent or praiseworthy.

This is based upon Philippians chapter four and verse eight. What is excellent or praiseworthy? In other words, you want them to answer the question, this is what happened, how should I have acted? What should have I been thinking? What should I have wanted in this situation? What should I have desired in this situation?

And then, what is excellent? That tells us what is excellent in this case. So, that's why we call it the hate journal. They learn to hate areas of their life that are evil and then cling to that which is good. Help them to do that. Hate what is evil and cling to that which is good.

So, help them do a heart journal. Help them do a thought journal or a fear journal or a journal of upsets. Or, you can call it a hate journal. But, get them answering questions like that, which gives you a lot of feedback about what's going on in their home.

Thirdly, study scripture passages. Where are they failing? In obeying the truth of the word of God. Or, record expenses. Maybe sometimes home software budgeting can help you here to keep track of expenses, especially if they have problems with finances or they have fights or disagreements about finances in the home.

Recording expenses. It can be as simple as just a series of envelopes where they have food expenses, transportation expenses, home expenses, and they just put their little receipts inside those little envelopes. So, it doesn't have to be anything complicated, even if they don't have a computer. But, if they have a computer, sometimes there's wonderful software and if they know enough, they can just take an Excel sheet and make their own track of expenses.

They don't even have to buy special software to do that. Or, 1 Corinthians 13, four through eight, help them to study, define, and create a plan to implement godly love for one another. Sometimes I have them divide a piece of paper into three columns lengthwise. In one column, I want them to define each term in 1 Corinthians 13, four through six, love is patient, love is kind.

I want them to define that in one column. In the second column, I want them to think about all the areas where they need to change. That is, all the areas where they fail. I want them to list as many examples of that as possible. Will I fail to be kind when I, whatever.

And then, in the third column, then I want them to list what do they need to do in order to change. If they're going to implement kindness, if they're going to implement patience, if they're going to implement gentleness as an aspect of love, then what do they need to do in order to change and be that way?

That's the third column. Yes. Yeah. The first column is the definition of all the terms there in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13. That's the first column. Definition. So, they're defining it as best as they can. The second column is all the areas where they're failing. And the third column is all the areas where they need to change and how they intend to change.

That's the third column. Then, number six. There's high points and low points record. What are the high points of their relationship this past week? What are some of the things that they look back on and say, "Wow, that was, you know, we had a good time. "That was good." And then, what were the bad times as well?

High and low points. Or, tapes of communication conferences. Audio, CD, DVDs. There's so much material available, so much more than when I first started in as a biblical counselor. You can get online, MP3 downloads. There's just so much material that you can get them to listen to. Say, "I want you to go to a website like soundword.com.

"And when you go to soundword.com, "I want you to look up underneath "the National Association of Euthetic Counselors "the following seminars or workshops "that have been done on marital communication "or marital strife. "I want you to listen to those. "I want you to keep notes. "And in our next counseling session, "I want you to bring those in." So, there's a host of other places that you can get materials.

For example, the counseling department here at Master College and Seminary on a yearly basis has a women discipling women's conference and a men discipling men's conference. And all the sessions, all the main sessions are not only audio recorded, but also recorded on DVDs. And then every one of the workshops are at least audio recorded.

And so, you can get a hold of those kind of things and use them for homework as well. The only thing I caution you on is not everything out there in the Christian bookstore or everything out there that purports to be Christian in terms of helping marriages is really biblical.

So, you've gotta be really careful. Be very, very careful that your source is a good source. All of this helps you to gather data, to get to know this particular couple a little bit better. Now, as you gather this data, this couple doesn't look like a happy couple here, look for evidence that would either confirm the presence or the absence of some of the most common marital problems.

You say, what are those? Well, let me give you a list of some of the more common ones. Look for stuff like this. Disagreements on concepts of marriage. What is his concept of marriage and what is her concept of marriage? Or, differing expectations. I expected him to be this way in marriage or I expected her to be this way in marriage.

How are those expectations different? Or, maybe either of them or maybe both of them come out of churches that were not taught well and so, they really don't have a biblical understanding of roles and responsibilities of the husband. Or, role and responsibility of a wife. So, how is their training, their biblical training in their background, contributing to their problems in their marriage or lack of biblical training?

How did they go about making decisions? Is it based upon rationalism? Is it based upon emotionalism? Is it based upon biblical criteria? Or, maybe a falsely understood biblical criteria, falsely interpreted Bible. How did they make decisions? How do they go about resolving conflicts when there is a conflict? Do they have the right kind of attitudes?

Do they see the goal at the end of this conflict resolution winning? Or, do they see the goal glorifying God? What is it? Do I have to win this conflict? Do I have to win this argument? Or, is my real goal here to glorify God? What is it? What kind of communication difficulties do they have?

Maybe you get one spouse that's very, very verbal and another spouse that is a person who clams up all the time. They're quiet. They hardly ever say anything. Or, what are their growth objectives? What do they really wanna do? We wanna work real hard so we can have a lot of money.

One of you came up to me during our break time and talked a little bit about a couple that was that way. And, it seems like their goal in their marital relationship is get as much money as they can. That's their goal. And so, they're sacrificing their relationship and they're sacrificing their kids on that altar.

They're really materialists, even though they profess to be Christians. They have the rich young ruler syndrome where they're interested in what they possess more than they are interested in following Christ. Then, there's occupational objectives. He has an idea of what he wants his occupation to be and how he's going to fulfill the responsibilities.

Maybe she has a desire to have an occupation outside of the home. That can cause a considerable amount of conflict in a Christian marriage. Maybe he wants her to have a job outside the home, or maybe he doesn't want her to have a job outside the home, or maybe she wants her husband to have a different job where it makes more money, but he's not really happy in the job that really makes more money.

He doesn't think he's gifted in that particular job. That can cause some difficulties. Then, there could also be intramarital marriage boundaries. Now, this has to do with what boundaries do we have with other couples that are close friends? How many boundaries do we have? What are they allowed to do in our home and not allowed to do in our home?

Where do they stay when they come to stay overnight in our home? How many boundaries are there with friends? He maybe grew up in a household where his parents allowed their friends to walk in any time, any day, any time, day or night. They didn't even have to knock.

Door's always open. Come on in. She grew up in a home where the door was always locked and people had to come (knocking) and knock on the door before they come in, or maybe a more Jewish or Mediterranean culture where you clap before you come in. Well, how are you gonna deal with that?

She thinks it's incredibly rude for people to just walk in on you. So, where are the boundaries there? What do you talk about? Maybe they're having problems in their physical relationship with one another, and she goes and talks to her girlfriends about those problems, and he's greatly offended about that.

Don't go sharing all of that, or maybe she's very private about those issues, and he goes and talks with his boyfriends about the problems that he's having, and she's greatly offended by that. What are the boundaries? Where are they? Or there are extended family boundaries as well. How much do we let mom and dad, aunts and uncles, other siblings, brothers and sisters, know about what's going on in our marriage?

He or she may think that there's no problem with that. So, I let my mom and dad know everything that's going on in our marriage. I let my siblings know everything that's going on in our marriage, and their spouse gets really offended at that. No, that's for us. That's private information.

You don't share that. That can cause a lot of problems. Or there could be religious spiritual issues. She likes this church over here, and he likes this church over here, and they're both Bible-teaching, conservative, Bible-believing, expository churches. She likes this one, and he likes this one. Could be a problem.

Or there's ethical standards. Maybe she was reared in a culture of situational ethics, where it's okay on very rare occasions to tell lies if you believe that's going to be for the good in the long run. And she uses examples of that. I mean, Rahab did that. She told lies about the spy, right?

About the spy, right? Sarah did that for Abraham. He told, she told lies. She said that she was his sister in order to save his skin. And the Bible doesn't say anything negative about Sarah for doing that, does it? And so, she came out of a situation where, or an environment where it was okay to tell a lie sometimes.

And he comes out of an environment where, no, it's not okay to tell a lie, ever to tell a lie. You shouldn't do that. So there's differences in ethical standards. There's differences in family life, in family life. I grew up in a home where my mother every Sunday, every Sunday had a big meal, Sunday afternoon.

I mean, she would kill the fatted calf. She would have mashed potatoes, gravy, roast beef, green beans, corn, you know, she would just lay it out. Sunday afternoon was always the big meal of the week. My wife grew up in the type of a family where her mother would set out loaf of bread, bologna, ketchup, mustard.

You were free to go by and get anything if you were hungry or you wanted. So, you get married. The first Sunday we're married, what is this bologna sitting on the table? Where's my roast beef? What is this? So there can be differences when people get married in family life and expectations.

Sometimes I talk with this when I'm doing premarital couple, counseling with couples, and what's gonna happen the first holiday that comes up? Like Christmas. Well, she automatically thinks we're gonna go to my parents' house for Christmas, and he automatically thinks we're gonna go to my parents' house for Christmas.

And then sometimes the parents throw different incentives to come to their various houses in there, all right? If you come to our house, then whatever. Well, that can cause problems in terms of family life. Then there's social involvement and friendships. How involved should he get with his golfing buddies and his friends or his friends where he goes fishing, and how involved should she get with the girls that she goes out to movies with, and how involved is all of this?

They're married now, this is different. Their primary relationship is to each other. Or there's also different ideas about finances, too. She grows up in a home where, boy, mom and dad pinched every penny, pinched every penny. And you never buy anything, anything, unless you can find the absolute cheapest thing to buy.

And so you look for the cheapest thing. And he goes out and takes the money, and he buys something kind of frivolously, and gets home, and she just erupts. What have you done? You can't do this with our money. You're gonna bankrupt us. What did I do? I didn't do it, I just, you know.

I saw it, it was on a pretty good price, and I thought it would be good for us. He thought he was doing something good. Could be a pretty big problem. Different view of finances. Different view of sexual relationships. When you teach them, and later on we'll talk about this from 1 Corinthians chapter seven, but when you teach them that their role in a sexual relationship is the fulfillment of their spouse, even with that biblical understanding tucked under their belt that they take into the physical relationship, still a Christian couple will have a tendency to pass each other in the, they're like ships passing in the night.

Why? Because she will try to fulfill him sexually the way that a girl would be fulfilled, and she, or he, would try to fulfill her the way a guy would be fulfilled, and they're like two ships totally missing each other. Different views of the physical relationship in marriage. That can become a problem.

Or there's different views, especially in terms of priority, of finances and material things. How important are finances? For him, it may be vitally important. For her, it's not as important. Material things are really important. I've got to keep up the Joneses. I've got to keep up this lifestyle. This isn't, but for her, that's not important, or vice versa.

Or sometimes there is even recreational concerns. What are we gonna get involved with recreationally? The things that he enjoys is different than the things that she enjoys. What can they enjoy together? - She's not gonna sit on the couch and watch football. - She's not gonna sit on the couch and watch football.

No, I don't think that's gonna happen. Unless she really likes football. Maybe she had a father and brothers who were really into football, and so she grew up learning to like football, or she really likes baseball, or she really likes soccer, whatever. What's that? - She's gonna like soccer.

- She's gonna like soccer. You want me to quiz her and see if that's true, or? All right, or there's also just lifestyle nitty gritty issues, like for example, this. Let's say that she grew up in a home where everybody in the household ran around the household in their underwear.

Everybody in the household ran around like that. That's the way everybody did. The girls and the guys all ran around in their underwear. It was no big deal. He did not grow up in that kind of a household. He grew up in a household where once you leave the room, that wherever you sleep at night, you're fully dressed.

None of this running around in underwear, right? So, her parents come to visit, and she shows up outside her room in her underwear, and so do her parents, and he's horrified. What is this? This is in my house. This is not gonna go on in my house. This is terrible, right?

Well, to her, it's nothing. That's what? What is the big problem? Wow, are you uptight, she says. I'm not uptight. This is the way I was raised. You don't walk out of your room unless you have clothes on. That's the way it goes, but that can cause quite a bit of conflict, you see.

Difficult issues. She maybe was raised in a household where you could talk about kind of girly things right out in the open in front of the brothers and everybody. He was not raised in that kind of a house, and so one day, she's there sitting with extended family members and talking about all these things in public, and he's horrified at what his wife is saying.

Or maybe it's vice versa. Maybe he's the one that's talking about all the kinds of womanly things out in public in front of the extended relatives, and she's the one that was raised in a household. You don't talk about that. Why, only the women talked about this among themselves.

She's the one that's horrified at what he's saying, and she can't wait to get him behind closed doors and say, what are you doing? All those little nitty gritty things that come up in marriage that bring out our sinful nature, our depravity, what we really want, what we're really craving for.

We have a conception of the way that we want our marriage to be, and somehow that person is not fitting our expectations or our conception. That can cause a lot of difficulty, and you need to find that out in your counselees. What's going on there? What's happening there? Because this is where the word of God tremendously changes people in the nitty gritty, in the little details of life.

This is what makes marriages really, really improve to God's honor and glory, but you've got to get down on that level and know how to address the specifics of that level if you're gonna see any success in ministering the word of God. Now, if all you're interested in is dispensing the Bible, then you're not gonna get into the nitty gritty, but if you really wanna minister the word of God, that means minister it in such a way that it gets down to the fine details of their life, then you're gonna need to know some of those things, not because you're curious.

I tell people, boy, God got rid of my curiosity years ago. I know way too much about way too many people. I don't have one bit of curiosity left in my entire body. It's nothing. I don't wanna know anything about anybody, but I will if I'm gonna help them.

I don't have any curiosity left. I really don't, but I want to hear because for one reason, I can't help you if I'm operating in the dark. I gotta know what's going on in your home. I gotta know what's going on in your marriage. I've gotta know what's going on on a day-to-day basis, and that helps me to put all the pieces of the puzzle together and then diagnose the problem from the word of God and find God's answers to those problems.

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