(upbeat music) Hey guys, today I wanna talk to you about something that's kind of near and dear to my heart and that's the topic of struggle and failure. My struggle ranged from self-doubt, self-confidence issues. There was issues with the market, job market was just terrible. It was just kind of mirroring what we're experiencing now in 2023.

I've had managers that were very demeaning and very combative and all these things broke me down. And I wanna talk about like, what was I thinking or dealing with at the time? And then on a flip side, if I had mentorship, what advice would have been helpful at the time?

I wanna be just transparent with you today. I wanna walk you through everything I'm experiencing and hopefully some of this will be helpful for you. I got a job at a company called Design Reactor and I was a project manager. This is an example where I stepped into something that I had no idea, I had no experience around ad agencies or creative agencies, digital marketing, I knew none of that.

Then I started realizing, oh, you know, like I had good communication skills, which I didn't know how to put on resumes in the past, but now it's actually turning into relationship building and I'm starting to build good rapport with clients and started to find a sweet spot. You know, this, hey, this digital marketing thing, web marketing, hey, it's pretty, pretty cool.

And then I decided to take a swing and bet on myself and I transitioned to another agency. That's where I really started to experience the struggle. Have you ever stepped into a situation before where you always feel like the outsider? Like you're not a part of the OG crew.

And so people don't intend to treat you differently, but especially from the leadership team, I always felt like I was never fully welcomed in. I always struggled with wanting to belong and trying to earn my place and not, unable to break into some of the groups made it kind of difficult.

And the nature of my job at the time was it was account management, meaning I was both creating new business as well as project managing my own work. And the cycle that started becoming difficult was the more successful I was at bringing more business, the more work I added to my own plate 'cause I didn't manage that.

You know, if I had a mentor at the time, they probably would advise me to raise my hand and articulate things more clearly around how to ask for resources like getting my own project manager, for example. But I didn't have that guidance. So I just struggled with internally and I worked crazy hours.

I think I was averaging like 60 hour weeks and then it started impacting my work. The general manager came back and I started feeling from that moment on that I was undermined at every corner. Now, some of that I will agree and admit that it was probably just between my ears.

You know, but again, I didn't have a mentor to help me understand that I'm not necessarily just a victim of my situation, but some of it is self-created. However, the mentor could have also helped me understand which parts I was legitimately a victim and I didn't know how to deal with that.

So I feel like my manager at the time was sabotaging me. And then my manager would pull me aside often with comments that were unfair in nature. It's not like your tough love kind of a thing. It was really the language and vocabulary she used was demeaning. It felt very unfair.

And she used words that made me question why I was even employed. And it got to the point where I was listening to self-help books, tapes at that time, on the way to work. And I would always have the anxiety that built up 'cause like anxiety stepping into the office was it just triggered whenever I saw this individual.

And I had to listen to these self-help tapes for about 15 minutes in the car before I walked out the office. I went in, did my 10, 12 hour day, came back broken. And I sat in the parking lot every day in the car, listening to the self-help tapes again before I went home because I didn't want to take that and unfairly project frustrations onto my then girlfriend.

And it was just a really dark time. I really, really struggled. And she ended up letting me go. The sin of mine, I was at that point, was I thought I was a good project manager. I'm not. I thought I was good at building relationships. I can't. I thought I knew web marketing.

I don't. I thought I could manage a cross-functional team of designers and developers. No, you can't. And so I, but that was like my living. Like digital marketing was a thing I chose to do. And I didn't know how to pivot. I didn't know if I should pivot. And so I went through a period of unemployment.

I had the stress of needing to pay a mortgage. So I was trying to rent out my rooms, claiming unemployment and just doing all these odds and ends to just try to make it meet. And as a matter of fact, to this day, I can't eat oatmeal anymore because that's what I ate straight for like probably like five or six months.

I just ate oatmeal with either salt or sugar because adding toppings costs money. And I didn't want to buy dried fruits 'cause that could be $4. And that's $4 I might need for something else. And so I was living as bare minimum as I could, just barely scraping by.

I then took a lot of contract work in the digital marketing space. And then I landed a contractor role at Logitech. And it was there that I started kind of rediscovering my love for digital again. But then I was converted to full-time. And it was great. And I was like, I love Logitech.

I love the product. And this was fantastic. And that's where the nature of the relationship started to kind of rub a little strange. My manager brought on another manager to manage me. I thought my previous manager was the most difficult I've ever had. This one, she was probably the worst up to that point.

If I had a mentor, those discussions would have been around how do you understand my manager and how to manage my manager, all that kind of stuff. But I didn't have any of that. And so all I could deal with was what was in front of me. And the leadership style of this manager, and I was her only direct report.

And I'm not sure if this is her first time managing or whatnot, but it was a very confrontational nature. And in an effort to maybe exert or exercise her authority, like my previous manager, she chose to use her vocabulary to do that. And there were times where we would have our one-on-one in the cafe and there's plenty of people around and she would raise her voice and yell at me and berate me in front of people.

She would call me an idiot. She would say like, what the F are you doing? Like, this is unacceptable. And quite frankly, and some of the things that she's bringing up like has nothing to do with me. And so I'm processing all of these things. And I'm like, I'm trying to help her understand that, hey, like what you're talking about isn't necessarily me or there are maybe some dependencies that cause things to maybe not line up that maybe you as a manager can help me off kind of figure out.

But the response was always me being the failure. So again, if I had a mentor at the time helping my manager understand how to fix some things to set her up to manage the issues, well, probably would have been good, but I didn't have any of that. That was a brutal year where like the previous one, I just started questioning everything.

And I broke down several times, those self-help tapes came back out. But that's when I decided to make a stand. I was like, you know what? I know I'm doing good work. Regardless of what my manager is saying to her manager, I know I'm delivering. And as a project manager, I'm building good schedules.

I'm holding people to it. The political stuff I have no influence over, but I was doing a kick-ass job. As a matter of fact, the people around me knew I was doing good work. So I made a decision at that point. I was like, you know what? Okay, I can't control how my manager is gonna manage me.

What I can control is my work. So I made a decision to just work hard. And I looked at all my work, figure out like, hey, how can I do something better? How can I do it more efficiently? And I decided to just let my work speak for itself.

There's gonna be an intersection where someone's gonna question the validity of everything that I do. And I want my proof to be there. So I did that. And eventually that won out. I don't know the politics or decisions around her departing the company, but I remained. Now this individual, now she has since reached out and apologized.

So I'm very appreciative of that. And I think there's a lesson there around self-awareness. If you know that you've done something in the past to someone that may not have been the right thing, and you're wondering if you should go back and talk to them, you probably should. Because there is a door in their heart that they want to close and resolve.

And you may be the only one who has the key to open that door or help them close it and lock it. She and I, we're not friends. I don't talk to her regularly, but when I think about her, I don't have anxiety. When I think about the two managers prior, when I think about her, I still have anxiety.

And so that is always going to be there, regardless of how many therapists I talk to, until one day I somehow maybe reach out to her and talk about it. But from there on, the idea of taking control of what I have started laying the groundwork to success. There was interest to bring me over to the B2B side of the business.

And so I did that, and that's when I started to grow. I learned that, hey, I can own something from strategy to execution and own it soup to nuts and be my own GM of a web entity. And that was the first time where I discovered, hey, I can do this thing, like I have value.

And it was a lean team, and it was a fun, fun time in my career at Logitech. And it was great, we built great relationships. I think that was the jumping off point where my career went from just absolute struggle and feeling like I'm a failure to myself constantly and shifting the dialogue to, hey, I've got value.

From there, I went on to NetApp, to LinkedIn, and LinkedIn became the most transformative experience in my career. People talk about empathy. Up to that point, empathy, compassion, it felt like a loosey-goosey topic, you know? Like, it's like, how do you measure that? Well, LinkedIn operationalized that. And they took something like compassion, and they preached it 'til the sun went down.

And from an ESG point of view where, not even just ESG, but like internal poll surveys where they looked at employee satisfaction and grading leadership, whatever, it was all very transparent. And compassion and relationship building was part of those scores. And it was the first time I saw a organization from the top all the way down.

So it was Jeff Weiner at the time, preaching compassion and empathy constantly. Hold leadership accountable to that. That was very cool. Now, I will say, though, that my first year on the job was a struggle again, 'cause it was a different kind of struggle. Imposter syndrome became the thing for me that first year.

In my interview, the senior leadership would ask me questions that were very much in the weeds, meaning they understood it fundamentally. And I was like, wow. Like, I kind of feel like everyone can kind of do my job. (laughs) And then, I know, I got selected, and I was like so happy.

And that first year, I was like surrounded by people that I was just amazed at how intelligent they were. It's like, this is the cream of the cream of the crop. And then I started feeling, it's like, oh man, do I belong here? And then, imposter syndrome crept in, because my manager at the time, who, his name was Blake.

I love Blake, he's fantastic. He provided me one piece of really hard feedback that I really struggled with. And it was, not to use his words, but the idea was, we hired you because you are supposed to be good at everything. Strategy, analytics, UX, design, knowing development. You're supposed to lead us from end to end.

However, my ability to provide good analytics, I was falling far short. If I had a mentor, which I didn't yet at the point, they would have helped me realize that that was absolutely true. Like, up to that point in my career, I had always been the recipient of analytics.

So someone who'd pull the data. Now, understanding the data and mining it for insights was something that I had experience with, but pulling my own data? I had never had to do that. But now I have to go through BA tools, I had to go through Google Analytics, I had to go through Tableau, I had to go through SFDC.

I've never done any of those before. And my fear is always, if I pull the data wrong, or I'm looking at it the wrong way, then all the conclusions I get out of that will be wrong. If I pull the information in a way that's different than how anyone else is pulling the data, and they're all pulling it the same way, let's say, they're gonna say my data is biased.

And there were a lot of presentations where I did where I would show so much data, and maybe I would share an insight or takeaway on, let's say, slide two. And I would go all the way to slide 10, and then someone would be like, "Hey, you said something seven slides ago, "or however many." And these conclusions kind of conflict with each other, don't they?

And I'd be like, "How did you see that?" 'Cause those weren't even maybe, maybe some of them were like tertiary points, and they're just seeing these stuff. So again, I'm like, "Oh my God, "I don't think I should be here anymore. "I don't feel qualified." And that imposter syndrome started creeping into all the areas of my work.

And so it started with analytics, then it went to web strategy, it went to everything. Now I feel like, "Oh my gosh." I started having anxiety attacks. It's like, "I don't know if I even deserve to be here." And I was at my lowest point, I would say, emotionally at LinkedIn, when I had a change of managers.

And this is when the game changed for me. Because now he was an individual who was a lot more empathetic and understanding. He was actually experiencing some of this for the first time. He came from product marketing, and now he is doing digital and growth marketing. Now it's all new to him.

And so we were kind of figuring this out, and his name, by the way, is RJ Fox. And RJ is probably one of the best managers I've ever had in my entire career. And I owe a lot of things to him. Because his approach was, "We're all figuring this thing out together." And at that point, his team was really small.

It was just me and two others in the band, Jen. And he's like, "Look, help me get smart. "Help me figure this thing out." And it allowed me to reopen my box of expertise and say, "Hey, look, here's how I'm looking at things." And I took a leap of faith there.

And this is kind of a lesson to learn for all of you guys around being transparent with your manager. I said, "Hey, look, here's what I believe "the strategy should be for the website. "Here is what I am doing really well." And to be transparent, here are things I'm struggling with.

And I had a really open dialogue, and it kind of helped me understand, I'm struggling with it, but here's my approach. 'Cause again, when you're managing your manager, one of the most important things for them to understand is how you arrive at a conclusion, or your thought process, or how you work things out.

'Cause that is shapeable. It's more about the process and not the outcome. And so I talked to him and said, "Hey, look, I'm really struggling "with building data together in a way that makes sense. "And my dashboards have fallen flat with Blake, "and I'm trying to figure out how do I do this." And then I asked the one question that changed the game for me, which is, "RJ, what is it that you're looking for?" And it's an important question 'cause it changes the lens where now I'm trying to understand what my manager is trying to solve for, and then I'll do my work in a way that can build into that.

I ask a lot of questions on like, "Hey, what's important to you?" He'll say something like, "Well, what does that mean?" He'll answer that, "Okay, well, then what does that mean?" He'll explain that. So, "Okay, cool, if we did that, "then what does success then look like?" And we'll talk about that.

And then say, "Okay, cool, then here are the top 10 things "I'm working on that I believe support that. "Do you agree that the priorities "are aligned to achieve that? "And here's my own personal assessment." And we'll kind of work through that. At the end, I walk away with a plan that I know supports his strategy and his objective.

It was around that time that I started having RJ as my mentor. And I remember early on, he gave me the first great piece of advice when he knew I was wrestling with imposter syndrome. "You were hired because we saw value "in what's between your ears. "We hired you because you knew how to do your job "and we can't.

"The only person who's telling you "that you can't do your job is you." Oh, that was so impactful. 'Cause it changed my perception of everything. And if the problem is coming from me, I can control that. I can fix that, you know? And if I can separate my emotions from objectively what is going on, I can impact that and improve my emotions.

And so that feedback changed everything. Now, I will say imposter syndrome is something that always exists. Doesn't matter if it's in your personal life or at work, there's always gonna be something that you feel like you see someone else doing that you feel like, oh man, they're doing so much better, or maybe I should do differently.

But coming back and reminding yourself that, hey, you have value. It's important. If I were to go back in my career, what I would have told myself was, "Hey, don't worry that you don't have the experience "right now to qualify for this job. "Dig deep, don't be afraid to take any job you can.

"Take those jobs and know what you wanna learn from it "so no job is ever beneath you." Doesn't matter if you're a content entry, barista, lead strategist, VP, doesn't matter. Go into that job knowing what you wanna get out of it. And that experience will always be valuable. Your experience that you need for these jobs, it will catch up to you.

And it'll catch up to you at the right point where you're able to package it in a way to describe the context of why you're relevant for a job position, and that'll separate you. These days when I do interviews, my conversation looks a lot different now. I used to go in and say, "Hey, look, "here's your checklist of things that you're looking for.

"Here's my checklist of things that I can do. "Let me tell you about how they kinda get together." It's like, no. My conversations now look something like this. We can absolutely talk about how the dots connect, and we probably should, and I'll come equipped with examples of things I've had to overcome, whether it's a success or a failure.

Talking about failures is totally fine. But let me tell you a little more about how I'm wired and how I process these things as I'm going through success or failures, how I'm thinking about the journey and how I'm solving it. Let me tell you about that. And let me tell you about why things like compassion are so important to me and how that influences how I relate to my coworkers, to my direct reports, to my peers.

If that's something that you want in your organization, let's go. If it's not, then you might have given me some insight about a company that I don't want to work for. 'Cause if transparency, honesty, being genuine, and having compassion and empathy, if you're not able to show me that the company actually values those things based on what I'm sharing, maybe that's not the right company for me.

And now the interview becomes truly two-way where you're interviewing them as much as they're interviewing you. So it just kind of leads me to where I am today. After all these years, I no longer kind of question what I bring to the table. If someone gives me a critique, there's always a nugget of truth behind a critique, even if the package is terrible.

And so I'm at a point now where I try to figure out the truth in every single piece of feedback, both positive and negative. And that's my baseline for how I improve. I no longer let that drag me down. Now, that's not to say I'm not human and I don't get emotional.

Absolutely, when you receive tough feedback, it's, you gotta deal with that. And sometimes you need to go for a run or maybe sometimes you just need to talk to somebody. But I think the way I process these things now, thanks to mentors I have in my life now or close people that I use as a sounding board, that has been really, really helpful.

And if I can provide one piece of advice to you watching this, don't find your mentor solely based on job title. Find one based on life experience, meaning your mentor doesn't have to be in your line of business or work. It could be someone whose life experience took them somewhere and how they solve something is what gives you value.

Cool, so I hope this was helpful for you guys. I just wanna leave you with a thought. You are valuable, you are. And you have experience regardless of how old you are. You have life experience. And all of that will build you and continue to build you into the person who you are now and who you're going to be.

You're valuable, you bring something to the table. You're amazing. Don't be afraid to take risks. Don't be afraid to bet on yourself. 'Cause when you know what, you're awesome. And if you don't know it already, you'll discover that. (upbeat music)