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RPF0526-Stupid_Pickup_Truck


Transcript

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You idiot! You bought a stupid pickup truck! And a new one! Brand new! Look at this stupid thing! Oh, here you are at the dealership. Oh look I got a... Oh my goodness. I'm flipping through Facebook here and I see your stupid post about you standing there with that goofy smile on your face about "Hey guys, we bought a stupid pickup truck!" Well you didn't say stupid, you thought it looked nice.

"Had some problems with the other car and decided it was time for a change." Pfft! You freaking idiot. I cannot believe it. And you'd be so stupid as to post it on Facebook. Arrgh! Man! Do you not have a brain? Do you not think? Do you not... Arrgh! I wish I could tell this to your face but you're so stupid you would think I was being mean to you.

Do you have no brain? Does your brain not work? Have you never thought about your finances? Have you never considered a single financial decision in your life? Maybe I'm being too hasty. After all I mean... Hold on. I don't know everything about your finances. After all I'm not your banker.

There might be something I don't know. Maybe... Did anybody die? No, I don't see any. Nobody died. Did somebody give you a big gift? No, that's a big gift. You would have... I know you pretty well. You would have told me about it. No. You freaking idiot. I cannot believe it.

You financed a stupid thing. Oh, it makes sense. Eighty-five percent of people who go out and buy a new car use financing because they're idiots and have no money. You know who uses financing to buy consumer crap? Like cars and trucks and motorcycles and all the other stupid consumer-grade crap?

Idiots. And idiots wind up broke every single time, all the time, because they're idiots. Yes, that includes you. Thank goodness. Let's go see. I wonder if... Is there... I wonder how... Fifty-one thousand... Hold on. Which model is it? Fifty-one thousand dollars. Fifty-one thousand dollars. That's what this stupid thing costs.

Here I am on trucar.com and... Hold on. Did I get the... No, it's the other... Yeah, there we go. Okay. I got to get the crew cap. Fifty-one thousand dollars. Was it last... No, it's this year's model. You couldn't even be smart enough to go and buy last year's model at the dealership or go at the end of the year when you could have...

Come on. Fifty-one thousand dollars. Do you know what you could do with fifty-one thousand dollars? How do I know? Trucar.com, duh. Oh, I forgot. You're so stupid you didn't even think of shopping around. You didn't think, "Oh, maybe I should go and actually do some research and pit a dealer against each other and use the internet.

After all, what is this internet thing that actually gets me good deals on stuff?" Yeah, no. You wandered into the truck dealership and you wandered out with a truck. No plan, no negotiating, no prearranged financing. You didn't go to your bank, your credit union. You took the stupid loan that they sold you in the dealership, you idiot.

They saw you coming and they started laughing. They put you over their knee and they haven't stopped laughing yet. Man, could you not be a little bit more intelligent? I am so sick and tired of hearing about your problems and then you do something like this. I thought it was bad, but now it gets worse.

My goodness. Okay, I get it. Your car broke down. Did you not think of fixing the car instead of buying a fifty-one thousand dollar pickup truck? I've spent a decent amount of money at the mechanic in my day, but I've never spent fifty-one thousand dollars there. Oh, of course, you didn't have the money to fix it.

Yeah, because you're an idiot and you've never thought about saving money. Did you never think about the fact that cars might break? You know what? Cars cost money. Vehicles require repair and your body requires food. My goodness. My four-year-old has better forethought than you do. Thank goodness. Fifty-one thousand dollars.

Yeah, I know you're tired of trying to figure out a ride or figure out how to borrow a car, but man, you could rent a car for cheaper than this thing. Okay, hold on. Let's see here. Fifty-one thousand dollars. So in the first year you own this thing, this stupid truck is going to lose twenty percent of its value in the first year.

Maybe even more because after all it's a pickup truck. Okay, well maybe I guess there's a little bit of an argument that a pickup truck sometimes ... No, not this brand. At least a Toyota pickup truck. If you bought a new one, it would have been a better buy than in the used market, but no, you bought a domestic pickup truck.

These things are ... Come on. All right, so fifty-one ... Let's just keep it simple. Fifty thousand dollars. Twenty percent of that truck's value means that you're going to lose ten thousand dollars this year. Ten thousand dollars. Are you such an idiot that you didn't stop and calculate the fact that you're going to lose ten thousand dollars this year on this stupid pickup truck?

That's over eight hundred dollars per month. Every single month. Now let's do some math. You earn thirty-four thousand dollars per year. Yes, I know exactly how much you earn because the idiot leaves your personal documents lying around your house and of course I happen to care about money, so when I see ...

Anyway, whatever, you really should take better care of your stuff. Thirty-four thousand dollars per year. That's because you make sixteen dollars an hour because you spend all your time hanging out on Facebook and hanging out on YouTube, reading car magazines and hadn't spent enough time open a book and learn how to get a decent job.

This month you're going to spend ... Let's see. How many hours? Okay, so thirty ... Ten thousand dollars. Eight hundred and thirty-three dollars per month divided by sixteen dollars an hour. That means that this month you're going to spend fifty-two hours working a job that you hate so your fat, shiny truck can sit there in the parking lot in the hot sun all day getting its paint messed up because you bought this stupid domestic truck.

They can't even put a paint job on the things. You never looked around and looked at ... Okay. But wait, it's worse. You bought this thing with post-tax dollars. That's because after all, thirty-four thousand dollars a year, sixteen dollars an hour, you're actually only making about thirteen dollars an hour if we factor in your employment taxes and your income taxes.

Oh, and it's worse than that because not only are you losing over eight hundred dollars a month on depreciation, but we have to add in financing costs because you bought a new one and we got to add in high insurance because you got to pay this big old insurance.

Oh, and gap insurance. I forgot about that because you didn't put any money down. I bet you we're over a thousand bucks a month here. Very conservative. It's probably more. Okay. A thousand dollars a month. Be conservative. Be conservative. Over a thousand dollars a month in flat costs plus the cost of fuel and you bought a pickup truck.

Well, whatever. A thousand dollars a month. Okay. Thirteen dollars an hour. A thousand dollars a month. Do you know what that means? That if you're making thirteen dollars an hour and spending a thousand dollars a month on this stupid piece of junk, that's over seventy-six hours this month that you're going to be working to pay for that stupid thing.

Man, do you not think? Seventy-six hours. Over seventy-six hours. That's almost two weeks of your life this month spent working to pay for this truck. Do you realize that you only have about four weeks a month to work and you're spending almost half of them to pay for this truck?

Let's do this. How many hours are you going to drive the truck this month? Let's say you live about twenty minutes from work. Let's say that you drive one hour every single day. One hour of driving every single day. Seven days per week to work, to the lake, whatever.

Seven days per week. That's thirty-one days per month. At thirty-one hours of driving per month, you're going to be spending more time at your job working at a job you hate to earn the money to pay for a pickup truck that sits in the parking lot and gets destroyed by the sun than you are going to be actually driving that thing.

You know, that's probably even too conservative. That's less than that. You're spending more time. That's insane. You are an idiot. You bought a pickup truck. Okay, fine. Okay, I know you needed a car, but you bought a pickup truck? Do you know how stupid that pickup truck is? That is like the dumbest vehicle in the world for a dude like you to drive.

You live in Florida. You have no ice, no snow, and it barely rains. And when it does rain, it's during the day when you're at work anyway because you're an idiot and you drive a pickup truck. You don't need a pickup truck. You live in a townhouse. You don't live at the top of a mountain where you need a high-clearance, four-wheel-drive vehicle to get you up the mountain.

You live in a townhouse in Florida on paved roads. My grandmother on her tricycle could get across the lawn. You think you need a pickup truck? Well, at least you bought a two-wheel-drive truck. That was smart. After all, two-wheel-drive truck has less issues. It's a little more efficient to own, costs a little bit less.

But you know what? The whole reason you bought this truck was to make yourself feel like a man, and you bought a two-wheel-drive truck, so now you look like a dweeb. If you bought the thing for sex appeal because you wanted to drive a pickup truck, at least you could have been a self-respecting man who went all the way and bought a decent-looking pickup truck.

But now, no, you bought a two-wheel-drive pickup truck, and now you don't have the money to make it actually look cool. You look like every other idiot driving a two-wheel-drive pickup truck. Maybe you can lower it. Oh, you're white. You're not going to lower it. That doesn't work. You're going to have to get yours and put on some stupid mud tires.

Call up Fabtech or Fastech or whatever. Maybe you could put a topper on it, at least make it semi-useful. I'll try you out with that stupid pickup truck. No, no, because if you put a topper on it, you'll look like a dweeb. You're going to go and get some stupid tonneau cover, and you bought a new one, so now you can't just go on Craigslist and pay $100 to get something that some other idiot is selling.

Maybe you're going to go down to A.R.E. or whatever and pay $1,000 to get a custom-matched paint cover. No, you don't have $1,000. Oh, you're going to buy some stupid rubber thing that a thief can slice with a nail clipper. Steal all your stuff because you bought a pickup truck.

Oh, you put the stupid boxes in the thing. Yeah, because the pickup truck is the most worthless vehicle ever. It has no place to put things, and so you've got to buy extra boxes that look like they were manufactured in 1962 to put them in the bed, actually have a place to lock it up.

At least you bought a crew cab. I'll give you that. After all, you aren't married. Your wife wants kids. Then again, have you never in your life tried to put a kid in a car seat? Have you never in your life tried to actually accomplish the contortions that are required with the giant car seats to get the kid into the thing when you got the stupid little weird door on the back of a crew cab of a pickup truck and you curled around it to buckle the kid in?

There's a reason many vans have sliding doors, just saying. You idiot. Don't you know Home Depot rents pickup trucks? If you actually needed a pickup truck, you could just trot down to Home Depot or Lowe's and rent the stupid thing. It's $19 plus what? $50 will get you everything you need to know.

If you need a bigger one, uhaul.com, duh. You won't even use the stupid new pickup truck because you're scared to scratch the bed. Either you're not going to use it or you're going to wander down and pay $1,000 to protect the bed. That's how worthless these things are. Or you could have bought a trailer.

My goodness, $300, $400. You could buy yourself a cheap utility trailer and it would have worked great. Whole lot smarter than a stupid pickup truck. Come on, man. At least if you were going to buy a pickup truck, you could have bought an intelligent one. I will give you that you bought a crew cab.

That was good. Okay. But you could have at least bought a smaller one. Dude, you're not a contractor. You're not a farmer. You don't haul tractors. What do you need? A pickup truck that'll haul a 24,000 pound trailer or carry 7,000 pounds of cargo in the bed? You're a dude who drives to work from your little townhouse and you bought a pickup truck.

At least buy a smaller one or a cheaper one or a used one. Or at least if you're going to buy a pickup truck, buy a sexy one. You could have bought one that was more fuel efficient. You don't need a V8. You're not towing anything. You could have bought one that was actually going to last you a long time, hand it down to your kids.

Grandkids have a useful vehicle around the house, but no. You bought a Chevrolet. Well, I can't keep a company out of bankruptcy. At least they're making better cars than they used to. But any of those options would have required a little bit of forethought, a little bit of planning, which my friend, I love you, but this is not your forte.

I wonder how much your interest payment is. I wonder, are they doing any deals? I don't see no 0%. No special end of the year closeouts, no holiday sales. Why did you buy this now? Oh yeah, your car broke. Oh. I wonder, did you, no, you're not a member of a credit union.

Could have gotten a cheap loan from a credit union, but no, you're an idiot working with a bank. You know what? You don't make enough money to qualify for this loan. Your wife's got that dead end job and you've got this $34,000 a year, mostly dead end job. You don't make enough money to, I bet, you know what?

Tell me you didn't. You co-signed it, didn't you? Who was it? Who? Your dad? No, he would be smarter than that. Your wife's dad co-signed for you. Are you kidding me? What a sucker you are. You have no self-respect. This whole giant financial system wants to throw money at you and you're such an idiot.

You can't figure out how to get your own money. Now you got to go into business with your father-in-law? What a sucker he is. He'll be paying that debt. He's not realized that you're an idiot. You can't seem to pay your bills. You can't seem to think ahead. Thank goodness.

You're screwing up your marriage. Man, I want so much better for you, but dude, you are screwing up your marriage by making stupid decisions like buying a pickup truck. I've seen this again and again and again. Why can we not say something? No, if I put this, it'll just start an argument.

Dude, listen to me. Your wife wants to have a baby. She says that all the time. She wants to have a baby. Most women do. But she feels insecure about it because you can't afford it. Do you know why you can't afford it? Because your stupid pickup truck is stealing all your money.

Do you want to know why your sex life sucks? Because the insecurity that she feels makes her feel unsafe. When she feels unsafe, this hurts her self-confidence. The loss of self-confidence makes her feel unattractive. When she feels unattractive, she's not sexually confident. When she's not sexually ... You finish the rest.

Why is she not attracted to you? Because you're an idiot and you don't give her any decent reason to do it. Your wife wants 2.7 children, or at least that's what every other woman reports. I don't know what her exactly, that's between you and her, but on average, she wants 2.7 children.

But you don't have the money to pay for them. So you'll send mama off to work because you're too impotent to earn a decent income and too much of an idiot to make a plan for the future. You know what she finds sexy? A man with a plan. There was a time in which you actually had a plan.

You actually tried, but now you're an idiot and your plan goes as far as, "Oh, our car broke so let's go buy a pickup truck." You ain't got no plan because you're acting like a childish idiot. At least a child is cute. At least a child can be encouraged and directed, but you're a grown man.

You're not cute. You're an idiot. You wonder why she doesn't find you attractive? Because you don't make a freaking plan. You know who has a plan, buddy? Mama's boss. After all, why do you think he's a boss? Because he actually made a plan and followed it. You know what mama finds sexy?

A man with a plan. Not a man with a pickup truck, a man with a plan. Do you see where I'm going here? Oh, Joshua, too strong. Tell me, have you never in your life sat down for a beer with a divorced man and asked him how it happened?

Oh, wait, I forgot you can't afford beer because you have a pickup truck. Have you never turned on the internet? Have you never listened to a country song? You never wondered why country songs are filled with guys with pickup trucks who come home to find their wife in bed with another man and thought there might be a connection?

Stupid pickup trucks. Hey, she likes it. Oh, you say she likes it. She likes it because she's hoping it'll make you happy. She's likes it because she's hoping it'll make you feel more self-confident so that you'll actually make a plan, go for a promotion, get a better job, because all those things would actually increase your sex appeal and she wants you to be happy.

She's thinking maybe a pickup truck would be fun, maybe it'll help you. But dude, listen, when you bought a pickup truck, she wasn't seeing it sit in the parking lot, get destroyed by the sun. She was thinking of it hooked up to a wakeboarding boat, parked down at the boat ramp.

She was imagining herself out on the wakeboarding boat and imagining how great you'll think she looks in her bikini on the tube behind. But you didn't think about that when you bought the stupid pickup truck. You could have paid $2,000 and bought a pickup truck that was cheap and that was old and could tow your boat down to the boat ramp and you would have had enough money to buy a boat.

But now you're broke. You have no money to buy a boat because you're broke because you bought the stupid pickup truck. Heck, if you'd made a plan, you could have realized that there are a bazillion ways where you could actually go out and enjoy a Saturday together that don't cost you a ton of money.

You actually have some time with her. A little bit of time not spent complaining about your stupid dead-end job would sure help your marriage. Have you never read a book on foreplay? It doesn't start five minutes before, it starts the morning before. Do you know that they rent canoes down at the lake for $15 an hour?

You don't need a pickup truck to buy a canoe. I know you were thinking that. You were thinking, "I got to actually own a pickup truck so I can buy a canoe." Just go rent the stupid thing. But actually invest some effort. Rent the canoe, $15 an hour. Want a wakeboarding boat?

Rent one of those for $150 a day, gas included and you don't have to wash the thing out when you're done. If you did that every single Saturday, four days a month, that would still be less than your stupid pickup truck is costing you this month. My goodness. I'm being too hard.

No, I'm not. If you don't get busy, your stupid pickup truck is going to cost you your life and it may cost you your wife. That would be a good thing, you have a pickup truck because you need some place to sleep when she walks off with all your money, your house, half your income for the rest of your life because of your emotional abandonment and abuse.

Doubt me? Good grief. Grow a pair of balls, walk down to the local bar and actually talk to some guy who's been there. Or if you can't do that, go online. Yes, indeed. When you spend all your time working to pay for your stupid pickup truck because you thought she wanted a pickup truck, she now interprets that as emotional abandonment and believes it gives her a rock solid reason to get a wee bit closer with her boss.

Think about it. He's not tired from working a job to pay for a pickup truck that's rotting in the parking lot. He is emotionally available. He's not an idiot with no plan. He's got a plan. He's not some broke loser who can't afford to have a baby. He actually has money and he has a clue about life.

You don't. Now listen, dude, I'm yelling at you because I love you and I hurt for you and this is just like one thing. Do you not see the connection? Do you not see that you've been doing this for a decade? You've never sat down and thought about your money.

You've never made a plan. She wants to buy a house, wants to redecorate the kitchen. I got no money. It's because you bought a freaking stereo and then you bought a motorcycle and now you bought a $51,000 pickup truck. You're screwed, buddy. You got no way out. You're upside down.

This loan, you'll never sell the thing for what you owe on it. I don't know, maybe if you returned it today, you might get your money back. No, hold on. When did you post this on Facebook? No, too late for that. You're screwed, buddy. There's no escape plan. You've been so stupid.

It's all your fault. You're going to reap a long, long harvest of pain. You could get it together. You could sell the thing, recognize your loss, stroke a check, chalk it up to stupid tax because you've been stupid, or you can keep going through this pain for a very long time.

Dude, listen, don't get me wrong. I think pickup trucks are fine if you're a trucker or a cowboy or you actually need the thing. If you want to buy one for fun, go for it, but get rich first, then get a pickup truck. Please, dude, I beg you. Stop doing stupid stuff with your life.

Please, stop it. You keep doing stupid stuff like this again and again and again, and you're going to wind up getting screwed again and again and again. I got no idea what to tell you about this stupid truck, but dude, what are you going to change? When are you going to think?

This is all related. It's not like pickup trucks and your money are not related. The reason you're broke is your pickup truck, but the reason you bought your pickup truck is because you don't think about the future. You can't delay gratification. You can't make a plan to actually save 500 bucks to go to the mechanic because your car is going to break down.

The fact that you can't think and can't plan ahead is what keeps you from getting educated enough to get a decent job or at least getting a certification so you can add an extra couple bucks an hour. Come on, man. This is all related. You're trying to spend money to make up for your emotional problems, and trust me, I know I stepped over the bounds a little bit in talking about your sex life, but a weak, emotionally impotent dude is not generally very attractive to women.

Now if you fix that, your wife will be fine. She loves you, dude. She cares about you. You don't have to worry about her boss, but as long as you keep acting like an idiot, well, if he doesn't, you've got competition. Then you come crying about how you're broke because you get divorced.

Think you're broke now? You'd be a lot broker then. Oh, well, if only you'd ask a question. I could help you, but I've learned stupid people like doing stupid stuff. They don't ask people for help. I'll just keep on being my boring old self and enjoy my little pickup truck that actually pulls something that was cheap.

I'll enjoy having money in the bank. My wife and I will have great sex. We'll enjoy a nice house. Actually, the time and the money to use the thing, your problem. Whatever. Make your bed and lie in it. It's a free world. Libraries exist. Internet exists. Dude, there's freaking podcasts, YouTube channels all over the place.

But listen, could take an interest. Anyway, better stop while I'm behind. Whatever, dude. Wish you all the best.