and she looked over and she goes if you love me you'll go I went I'll go do psychedelics with my friends in Mexico sure I never thought it would do anything because I had messed up so much until that point all the pharmaceuticals all the mistakes I had made the infidelity everything had led me up to that point and I had that secret inside me and I did not have the strength to tell her I didn't want to break her heart about all the things I had messed up and for me if you think me going down to Mexico is going to save our marriage I will 100% do it but I never thought for a chance it would never and I went down there with a bunch of guys that were legends inside of the community and you know Ambio Trevor Jose Jonathan Brianna everybody Ambio Life scientists they run the best facility I've ever been a part of in any facility that medicine is so strong and I think that's why guys get such relief it's the only thing stronger than your ego because you've turned yourself into this vessel you think represents the essence of what being a Navy SEAL is you're hard you're determined you'll never lose like you you'll sacrifice everything right now if the group asked you to do it but you won't do it for yourself you'll never put your individual needs above the needs of the group and this is one point where you have to you have to go for the good of the group I have to suck up my ego got to suck up my pride and I have to try to kill it right now and we went down there and took that medicine and I have a combatives instructor his name's Tom Kyer from SEALC tactical group if you've ever watched the movie The Hunted with Denicio Del Toro the knife fighting that's what they do and they are the best in the world and Tom Kyer is a knowledge transfer specialist he's changed my life in mindset more than anybody else on the planet and he told me a quote the other he goes if you understand no explanations needed if you don't understand no explanation is possible and that came from Dave Joyce and other SEALC disciple and it's the truest thing I've ever heard unless you've done Ibogaine unless you've done psychedelics in a therapeutic setting you'll have no idea how powerful it is and when I woke up that next day everything I had ever done negative positive erased everything negative every conversation every bad deed every time I've hurt anybody every time I've made my wife cry every time I've not been present was in the forefront of my mind and I felt absolutely terrible I felt like a monster for everything I had done every time I had not been present every time I had sacrificed them for this thing I didn't want to go home and at the same token it was the only time in my life I'd ever been homesick I wanted to teleport and wrap my arms around those three but I was so embarrassed at everything that I had done there's no way I can do it I can't go home and break their heart and you have the gray day after you do Ibogaine I mean it feels like you got hit by a freight train just in your fields dudes are throwing up all day depending on how your experience is the next day you do 5 MEO DMT and that's the ego death you know comes Sonoran Desert Toad they milk out the poison glands and that's essentially what you're smoking it's pretty intimidating looks like you're smoking crack rock and that experience when you smoke that it must be like either we're finding religion or what dying's like well you almost died with the electrocution and we had a very accomplished neuroscientist on the podcast Christophe Koch who talked about he's been studying consciousness for a long time and he talked about his experiences on 5 MEO DMT total dissolution of self total dissolution of space and time but he described that he that his mind was still there but nothing else was there and again if someone hasn't done it I've never done it but if someone hasn't done it I'm guessing that no description will will suffice I've heard it like from another team guy being described as being strapped to the shockwave of an atom bomb I feel like you know I've heard a bunch of different descriptions sounds when you come out of that experience however how did that reframe the electrocution the loss of I mean we could spend three days talking about every single guy that you know that's been killed and still probably only touch on a small number of them sadly you know so how does all that get reframed coming out of an experience like that the biggest concern doing Ibogaine was that you were going to be stuck inside of your own thoughts everybody you had lost you were just going to relive it you were going to be in the back of that helicopter you were just going to have to relive that for 24 straight hours and I will tell you that not a single person that I have ever done Ibogaine with has ever had any military experience it's always been your childhood and then a reflection of what you've done to your wife and kids it gaps it so I've done Ibogaine four times I have never had a singular military experience ever nothing childhood childhood and then in in the actual medicine it would allow me to relive past events with my father with with my mother hard conversations you know blow-ups arguments scream things you had forgotten things I'd forgotten things that were never on my conscious mind and now I'm reliving them and then it would shift and it would be me doing that exact same thing to my wife to my kids and then it'll put you in their position so when I'm screaming I'm projecting just this hate and this venomous shooting out of me I can be that seven-year-old little girl and I can feel how frightened she is by what she's watching her father turn into so real empathy that is what it is you become so empathetic to everyone and everything and it's the forefront of your mind like I don't want to go home because now I know what I've done I can't mask it anymore there's no more compartmentalization I've done I've done all those things I've said that terrible stuff and I'm never going to be able to re-earn my seat at the table and it's one of those weird predicaments where I want to go home but I don't because I don't want to face that I actually did and said that it's like out of every good thing I've ever done it all got erased on that moment the only thing we're going to focus on is all the bad stuff you've ever done and said so when we came into 5MEO I did six rounds of 5MEO my first time down there every single one is the most painful thing you've ever been a part of it feels and Trevor says it beautifully down at AMBO he said whatever's going to happen let it happen if you think you're going to explode explode if you think you're going to die die if you think you're going to drown or blast off in the stratosphere do it don't try to control it that medicine will take you exactly where you need to go you just have to let it and every time I would I would start I would scream and then I would cry and convulse throw up and I'd wake up and I'd look around and he'd look at me again hit him again and I'd do it again and I'd do it again and it was the very last time I did 5MEO you gotta understand I was super depressed and I was most certainly suicidal I did not want to come home and face reality and I took that last one and right before I did I can't remember if it was the nurse or because we used to have team guys who would sit there and hold space for you not taking the medicine just they were there to basically safeguard the house so you could just focus on you because it's hard to be put under essentially anesthesia in a foreign country and you don't know what's going to happen to you so just comfort in knowing there's team guys around you and he was either the nurse or one of the team guys goes you want to kill yourself right I said yeah and he goes then do it do it with this right here and I changed my intention for the medicine and I told myself it was this pink toxin this purple toxin I'm going to inhale it I'm going to coat my entire body with this I'm going to kill myself right here so I don't have to go home and that changed the entire experience for me everything shrunk down jet black and a single white pixel showed up and it exploded and it looked like it was Star Trek taking off all the tracers and everything it felt like your sternum broke open and your soul left your body and it was the true ego death and it went from screaming thrashing to complete bliss and love and affection and empathy and compassion and everything and I woke up and I looked at him and I could not believe the way I instantly I mean the most sober you've ever been you're not on any medication not cannabis not not an Adderall nothing you can't be on any medication when you go down there so this is true sobriety at its finest and when you wake up it's exactly like the electrocution everything is more vibrant the table edges are slick and clean like I can feel the taste and the texture and I can feel the energy coming out of everybody and it's like I can tell her I can go home and I can confess everything right now because I understand that I have done more good than bad and she's gonna see it she just has to see the new me and we went home and you know everything kind of unfolded and all my past indiscretions came to life and it was it was the darkest moment for me because I didn't think she was gonna take me back and she ends up pulling my sunglasses off she pulls them off and looks at me and essentially collapsed in my arms like I was back I'd been gone for 15 years and now I'm home and the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and if I wouldn't have gone down to Mexico there was no talk therapy there was no meditation there was no cold plunge it was gonna get me there it was something stronger than me and when you look back I'd been building that physical vessel this mental resilient vessel this entire time so nothing could break me and I needed something stronger than that to break me and the moment it did my whole life changed everything changed and I really became an advocate for the medicine because I'd been there I'd been sitting in my guest room with that pistol in my lap staring around the ceiling wondering where my brain matter is gonna go and what my wife's gonna see and how she's gonna have to clean it up and resell the house and just all the things I mean that's where you're at and that's where a lot of guys are and they don't believe they can get a breath of fresh air and that medicine will give it to you it is not a cure-all I mean you have to go back and restructure your entire life and cut out the toxicity and that was one of the most powerful things we did is I came back from that medicine I sit down the edge of that bed with my wife after we had gone through everything I had done and I went through my phone and we blocked and deleted about 150 people out of my life best thing I ever did like you're never coming back in here I've been trying to foster and save that relationship the better part of a decade I'm not doing it anymore you're robbing bandwidth and you're robbing the little time I have left on this planet that I'm gonna try to devote to my family because I have to re-earn this seat at the table every single day and it gave me the ability to do that and I came home started preaching about the medicine and then as I started to tell guys you'd see guys that were interested and they were like well if it worked for him because I'm a true believer I'm devout and they're like if it worked for him it'll work for me but they're scared to go so I was probably home maybe a month or two I went right back down and I essentially hosted one I'm cooking breakfast for the boys I'm cleaning snot off of them I'm doing the whole thing just trying to push them and slowly but surely you start saving guys 10 guys at a time over and over and you know that's really all because of Marcus and Amber if they would not have made that little infomercial airing out all their dirty laundry and how open and transparent he was like that is not the Navy SEAL way that is not how you're supposed to do it and when he did it it was so empowering to me I mean I looked up to him I mean he was on his second deployment when I came in and you know Marcus is larger than life to me so when you see that openness that transparency I can do that I can do that too and if I do that some kid going through the exact same thing as me that's stuck on that island alone will see me and go if he can do it I can do it you gotta want to change and you have to put steps in place to where you can live at a full value the morning routine I don't break it because I know what happens if I don't have it the worst I've ever been I wasn't living that morning routine I was still working out but it was chaotic at best right like my range wasn't there my combatives wasn't there I slowly let it drift away to where I was a shell of myself and once I got that breath of fresh air I am never going back I mean I just came back on Saturday I went back down again took down a bunch of veterans a bunch of civilians that were down there and it's so interesting to see because you have fighter pilots that are down there you have normal housewives that have drinking problems toxic marriage sexual abuse all this different stuff and everybody's ended up the exact same spot we've tried everything we tried the drugs we tried the talk therapy the cold plunges the saunas all that and it's helping but it's not getting us over the goal line and when those people wake up the very next day they are at total rock bottom and when they come out of that 5 MEO DMT their feet don't hit the ground for months you are on cloud nine and you cannot believe how good you feel I just want the world to be able to experience that it doesn't matter what trauma you have going on it's not a Navy SEAL medicine or a medicine for special operations this is a medicine to save humanity and if you were at the bottom of the barrel right now they'll save you I mean I went on 60 pills a day I'm not on anything not a single pain med I mean I've got more screws than me than Home Depot and I feel like a million bucks but you know for me my family deserved it and if I have to go down there and go through all that trauma over a 5 day period to give them a better version of myself I'll do it every single time that juice is so worth the squeeze I'll do it every single time and I'll do it every single time and I'll do it every single time and I'll do it every single time and I'll do it every single time and I'll do it every single time and I'll do it every single time and I'll do it every single time and I'll do it every single time